* Posts by hamcheeseandonion

77 publicly visible posts • joined 14 Apr 2010

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This Dianamania is a slur on Jobs

hamcheeseandonion
Holmes

Funny you should mention flowers, because...

...that links in to a pet theory of mine - no not the cat/buttered-toast-effect powered universe...this is far more logical.....

Celebrities(?) die, by various means - "accidents" in tunnels, aeroplanes crashing in the wilds of wherever, overdoses of booze or pills, even natural causes (whatever they are), but I ask you one important question.....

Who benefits when the news breaks?

I'll tell you....

INTERFLORA

Every....fecking....time..

Carpets of flowers, covering vast areas of the countryside (slight exaggeration, but when you're trying to walk on a pavement that looks like a slice of the Chelsea Flower Show has been dropped on it, you'll know what I mean).

INTERFLORA.........florists?....aye....right.

INTERFLORA.........very, very good assassins for hire.

I rest my case

Gay-bashing cult plans picket of Steve Jobs funeral

hamcheeseandonion
Flame

.....Sarnies with Mayonnaise..

....or how The French deliberatley corrupted and ruined a Great British Invention....

We, or rather the Earl of Sandwich, invent the eponymous article of heavenly fodder.

Les crapauds, furious that the world can now see how ridiculous their Haute Cuisine really is, come up with the vile, hideous weasel-vomit that is mayonnaise purely as a way to corrupt and demean the joy-that-is-a-sarnie.

I mean to say, if you need something like weasel puke to make yer food taste less horrible, then you are a nation in need of serious gastronomic aid.

<Flame Off>

Nokia offers $10,000 for new ring tone

hamcheeseandonion
Pint

For zis, ve will need.....

....ze bottomless wetsuit and ze bucket of soapy frogs, non?...Too much was it?...OK then, let me seeeeee...aha!

<Tomas De Torquemada sound effects dept>

<snap of rubber glove being fitted>

<squeek of lid being removed from Vaseline jar - buggrit...empty>

Now Mr Smith ...if you'll just bend over please?.....this won't hurt at all...

<extended Tarzan call, with added tremelo, length adjustable>

-----------------------------------

alternatively, my choice for a ring tone, apart from one that goes "ring, ring", would be a discreet cough.

Friday icon on a Tuesday?

WTF...why not..

DARPA wants a working manned starship for $500k

hamcheeseandonion
Coat

Oh Yes, Oh Yes indeed

"Customer Facing Liberty Vendor"?...sheer genius.

Words that should make us proud, yes Proud I say, to be human....

(when I said "us", I didn't really mean anyone south of Carlisle...sorry, didn't mean to get yer hopes up).

Oh...and just in case anyone who has seen my rants before thinks that I've forgotten.....

Project Orion....you know it makes sense.

Ok, OK, I'm going...

(mines the one made out of lead)

Spanish unfurl Benny 16 banana bog roll

hamcheeseandonion
Coat

re: Cool!

A rabbit?

hamcheeseandonion
Devil

Coloured bog roll.....

...I wonder if the pranksters among us have had the obvious thought....think bigger than the Pope.....bigger than Jesus <that sounds familiar>...think.....

turd coloured bog paper, in a variety of shades to suit your targets dietary peculiarities..

Just imagine all the people <wait a minute...who's channeling John Lennon?>

wiping away like mad, causing friction burns galore,

and never a sign of a skid mark to be seen...ohh the frustration...hehehehe.

It's friday...nuff said.

Icon?? If you have to ask......

Martian water slides caught on camera (maybe)

hamcheeseandonion
Mushroom

Re: Mars with water....

you sir, are a genius...OIL FOUND ON MARS....not true I know, but when has that ever mattered to our dear friends in the military/industrial juggernaut?

There's the funding sorted for a manned mission to Mars, with a bonus!...the man will be armed to the teeth, and he'll bring along a few thousand of his mates - who shop at the same armoury...sorry armory....

But what's gets my vote for this, rather than having me throw up, is what they'll "finally" have to build.....and those of you who know me can cover yer eyes now and go "lalalalalalalalaaa" at this point......ORION.

10,000 ton plus spaceship built of girders, filled with an armoured....sorry armored....division, and enough Irn Bru to last a decade....and lots and lots and lots of nukes.....(may have had a slight accident in me budgie smugglers there).....did I mention the nukes?...(buggrit, not again?)

Heaven...

icon???....only one that fits

Columbia debris emerges from Texas lake

hamcheeseandonion
Pint

How many Damaged Golf-Playing Texans do I know?

One would be enough I should think, which is one more than I actually know -

which is, when I think about it, rather pleasing.

Beer icon?

Just a wee toast to all those marvellously insane people who went up in those things, but especially to those who didn't come back downm in one piece.

Swede cuffed for cooking nuclear reactor on kitchen stovetop

hamcheeseandonion
Thumb Up

Re: One for the SPB?

Mini-Orion? Gimme, gimme,gimme,gimme,gimme.

....on one condition...it must be capable of launching next door's chihuahua into LEO...failing that, into a restuarant in Pyongyang.

Glow in the dark pooch, without the genetic messing about...sorted.

Orion....grow a set, just build the bugger will you?...someone??..anyone???

Jupiter spacecraft mounted atop bloody big rocket

hamcheeseandonion
Mushroom

When life gives you lemons.....

.....OK...I'm old fashioned, with a hankering for things that go bang...sorry BANG!!!!!....and leave the survivors/spectators with a healthy glow.

<stop wittering man, and get to the point>

OK...I'm stark raving mad, and I've found a use for Fukushima.....

Project Orion.

Come on folks...it's already radiated to hell and back, so who would notice the extra???

Waste(?) not, want not....You know it makes sense.

<icon??...what else.>

Bill seeks to decriminalise pianos in pubs and schools

hamcheeseandonion
Big Brother

Dear Sorry American.....

.....you may well be labouring under the mistaken belief that Monty Python was a bizarre series of comedic sketches - sadly, this is not the case.

It was a thinly veiled account of real life in these islands.

If you doubt me, watch the Spanish Inquisition bit again, or just read the text - then watch/listen to, if you can, Prime Minister's Question Time.

After you've recovered from the bout of hysteria that this will induce, take a minute to reflect on your good fortune.

Yours sincerely,

Even Sorrier Scotsman.

hamcheeseandonion
Big Brother

re: Psychopathic Beadleitis

Does it need a license?

If not can I have one please?

Hold on a minute....Beadleitis??

Not Jeremy Beadleitis by any chance?

hamcheeseandonion
Pint

Are we having fun yet????

You make an interesting point - in my lifetime I've seen the political makeup of this country change - once in the hands of a geriatric bunch of elitist aristocracy (right or left, take yer pick).

But now....oh yes, now....right this bloody minute....you should be afraid to utter two words that should freeze the marrow in yer bones...you should teach yer children to arm themselves, and build bunkers in the deepest wilderness that they can find...and to hide from these monsters that have arisen from the depths of our darkest nightmares....

Yes, my fellow meaningless ciphers, I mean...

PROFESSIONAL

POLITICIANS

(and no, I won't pay for the dry cleraning bill)

Be Pure

Be Vigilant

BEHAVE!!!!

<beer icon, because that's the only thing that lessens the pain of shattered dreams>

Actor Simon Pegg warns over banking Trojan Twitter hack

hamcheeseandonion
Devil

Puppies....

....lots and lots of puppies

hamcheeseandonion
Facepalm

Re: Awww

Two questions in one post??...Both attempts at sarcasm??...Whatever next?...oooh look...I've put 3 questions in one post.....dear Ms Bee...is that a record?..<damn that's 4 now>

hamcheeseandonion
Mushroom

One of these days.............

....we''ll all wake up to the pernicious load of crap that is "social networking"...con...con...con!

You use these pathetic excuses for communication? Well you deserve all you get in the way of tiny-minded little drones hacking your precious account!

You know what's happened, don't you? Ark-B really did arrive...damn you Adams

Yanks officially recognise the word 'boffin'

hamcheeseandonion
Alert

Oh dear me....a Scottish Person alert icon would be handy about now..

You can thank your lucky stars that they haven't started with the Scottish words of that ilk (similar to elk, but generally worn "inside" the kilt).

A selection:

Plook

Bampot

Bauchle

Teuchter

Nyaff

Muckle

Although sadly, none with an IT bent....(can you say that in public these days??)

Hoots mon, and get it right up ye!

Plague of US preachers falsely claim to be Navy SEALs

hamcheeseandonion
Coat

What if..........

...the preacher had covered himself in black boot polish and balanced a bright red beachball on his nose?

<i thank you>

Mine's the one with the fish in the pocket

Revealed: Secret security plan should Kate leave Wills at the altar

hamcheeseandonion
Pirate

"Kindly pass me that map constabule, there's a good lad!"

Right lads! Listen up!

I need PCs Dixon and Dibble to take Maud The Dinner Lady's white Fiat, and PCs Tubbs 'n Crackpot to filch the keys from That Pratt In Accounting's Honda Fireblade.

You'll need to move a bit sharpish lads, cause the bint's done a runner...and yes Doyle, i do know who's won the pool, you jammy git!

Anyway...enough of that cheering cobblers...get your fat arses down to the underpass pronto!

and remember......be careful out there.

Man arrested wearing hair scrunchie on short and curlies

hamcheeseandonion
IT Angle

Re: hmmmmmm.....

Never mind young Sarah, these things (I hesitate to ascribe any form of sentience here) are sent to try us.

Put the Sarah "Fist Of Death" Bee persona back in its wee padded cell for the moment.

Oh and BTW....it even neglected to use the proper icon.....bless...so here it is

New Taser made to take down angry bears, moose

hamcheeseandonion
Thumb Up

There are times...

....when I doubt my sanity in reading these comments.....and then a true gem pokes its wee head up out of the dross....."gun-juggling-burger-monkey"????....it's right up there with Ian M Banks description of a homicidal battle droid's avatar:

"a gorgeously tattooed limping albino dwarf, with a speech impediment and double incontinence"

AC?...you have my respect sir.

Russia wins World Cup bid in parrot-sickening travesty

hamcheeseandonion
Coat

As Cut-me-own-throat Dibbler might say......

It's all bread and circuses mate..have a pie!

Sarko to walk tall in factory visit

hamcheeseandonion
Pint

Telling it like it is - right on, far out and solid Bob

Four words:

Randy

Newman

Short

People

'Nuff said

Biz Linux needs Office license to run MS web apps

hamcheeseandonion
Flame

You are verrrrrrry close to the truth....just one tiny little ste.....?

...p. If we stop replying to these over-educated, and obviously under-utilised wee nyaffs, then they will just go away.

I'm with you on the Microsoft-hating little wazzocks - give it a rest you lot, and try to find some good in life...mmm??. Believe me, this life isn't a beta...it's the real deal...grow up...find a girl...(that translates as sheep in Wales)...and raise a pint to that day when your children ask what you did with your life....what are you going to tell them?

Now, about this Playboy 3-D centrefold then....

Neil Armstrong slams 'devastating' Constellation cancellation

hamcheeseandonion
Pint

In memoriam...

Ok...I've grieved...

I've mentioned our last, best hope..Project Orion....

but in truth, and much as it pains a lifelong stargazer and child of Heinlein/Clarke/Asimov/Niven, etc, we ain't going out there folks.

Not in my lifetime, not in yours, and your great-great-grandchildren will hopefully manage to survive on this small blue thing - I just hope they dream mighty dreams better than we did, and make them come true.

<glass of ale icon, because that's what I'm going to have a lot of when I get home - school night be damned>

hamcheeseandonion
Flame

Big badaboom!!

<engage rant mode> rockets?....boosters?...solid or liquid fuel??...get a grip, the lot of you!!...there's only ONE Project Orion...USA? China? whoever!! Just grow a set and build one!....<disengage rant mode>

hamcheeseandonion
Unhappy

I've lived too long...

and this makes me sadder than ever....buggrit! Am old enough, and a bit, to remember ALL of the space race, and the years of expectation...the Moon, Mars, Saturn and Jupiter...mining asteroids and maybe the Oort cloud...we could feckin' well do it!!...or so we thought.....buggerin' feckin' politicians...to see my boyhood heroes reduced to this??? shall now go into dark cupboard and cry for a bit.

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