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* Posts by Blofeld's Cat

666 posts • joined 27 Jan 2010

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BOFH: The current value of our IT ASSets? Minus eleventy-seven...

Blofeld's Cat
Go

Re: Sharon T. Pokeworthy...

"her phone number is 01777 777 777"

When a website requires a telephone number for what are obviously purely marketing purposes, I always use the site owner's own telephone number...

10
0

LOHAN packs bags for SPACEPORT AMERICA!

Blofeld's Cat
Pint

That will do nicely...

Count me in: A LOHAN mug will be an excellent companion to the BOFH one I got some years ago.

How about a second Kickstarter to fund a ticket for Ariadne and family?

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UK.gov sinks another £1.6m into Internet of Stuff spec HyperCat

Blofeld's Cat
Coat

Hmm...

"Ring ... ring ... ring ... click ... beep ..."

"The answering machine is unavailable at the moment, so this is the fridge speaking. If you want to leave a message I'll stick it under one of my magnets..."

1
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Jurassic squawk: Dinos were Earth's early FEATHERED friends

Blofeld's Cat
Coat

Re: Jurrasic Park IV

Oh I don't know...

The ground trembles causing ripples in the puddles as the small group of humans huddle together for comfort. There is a crashing sound nearby and a lightning flash reveals the feathered plume of a T-Rex in all its glory, just inches from them. The creature lowers its head and opens its huge, jaws...

"WHERE'S MY @$%!^ CRACKER THEN, EH?"

10
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MARS NEEDS OCEANS to support life - and so do exoplanets

Blofeld's Cat
Coat

Re: I'd also add...

"Mars..is a DEAD planet."

It's not dead - it's just pinin' for some fjords.

25
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Watch: DARPA shows off first successful test of STEERABLE bullet

Blofeld's Cat
Mushroom

Re: My hopes are dashed

"I wonder what it feels like to work on this stuff?"

"Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds." - J. Robert Oppenheimer, 16 July 1945

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German spy agency staffer spied for NSA during gov probe into NSA spying – report

Blofeld's Cat
Stop

Re: Well, well, well. I perfectly well understand that the expression "allies"....................

According to most fly-on-the-wall documentaries, a lot of prostitutes believe they have a "special relationship" with their pimp.

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Shine on you crazy diamond: Distant dwarf may hide space jewel

Blofeld's Cat
Boffin

Hmm...

Twinkle, twinkle, little star. How I wonder what you are. Up above the world so high, Like a diamond in the sky.

Somewhere there's an Astroboffin making notes on his clipboard: "Twinkle ... tick, little ... tick, star ... tick, diamond ...tick, sky ... tick. OK what's next on the list?"

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Blofeld's Cat
Pint

Re: Not just any diamond..

So does this mean the Time Lords are returning?

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Super-snoop bid: UK government hits panic button on EU data retention ruling

Blofeld's Cat

"Wasn't it Goerring who said that if you just keep repeating a lie over and over, people will eventually come to believe it?"

It was Joseph Goebbels allegedly*, but you make a very good point (+1) - and the full "quote" is even more enlightening...

“If you tell a lie big enough and keep repeating it, people will eventually come to believe it. The lie can be maintained only for such time as the State can shield the people from the political, economic and/or military consequences of the lie. It thus becomes vitally important for the State to use all of its powers to repress dissent, for the truth is the mortal enemy of the lie, and thus by extension, the truth is the greatest enemy of the State.”

* [Citation needed]

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Blofeld's Cat
Facepalm

Er right...

Hi Theresa,

Perhaps I could interest you in a "special" roll of double-sided sticky tape to keep your home free of dragons, vampires and hobbits terrorists and paedophiles.

It works on basically the same principle as your proposed legislation, except that it doesn't involve burning down your house to protect it.

6
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BOFH: On the contrary, we LOVE rebranding here at the IT dept

Blofeld's Cat
Pint

Re: Corporate re-branding horror...

"Please can we have the 'B' ark ASAP?"

I believe the Hairdressers Fire Development Subcommittee is looking into it.

They would welcome your input about what colour it should be...

... and whether or not it could be fitted nasally.

5
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IPv4 addresses now EXHAUSTED in Latin America and the Caribbean

Blofeld's Cat
Black Helicopters

Hmm...

One day the government / legal profession / security agencies / IP lawyers will finally accept that an IP address does not actually map to an individual machine.

On that day IPv4 and NAT will be outlawed and IPv6 made compulsory.

1
1

US escalates Stingray mobe-snooping secrecy battle as judge unseals evidence

Blofeld's Cat
Coat

Stingray?

That suggests that "anything can happen in the next half hour"...

It's the one with the Gerry Anderson script in a pocket.

8
1

Quantum teleportation gets reliable at Delft

Blofeld's Cat

Re: Star Trek Transporter

"I have no wish to die and then have a facsimile reassembled from transmitted data"

There is an alternative sequence of events...

1
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Bondi shark alert systems beams warning to nobody on Google Plus

Blofeld's Cat

Re: What?

>beep<

Quist has updated his status to: "being eaten by a shark"

>beep<

Emilio Largo has updated his status to: "day just got better"

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Robotics evangelist: 'Personal robots' should be invisible beings

Blofeld's Cat
WTF?

Oh the pain...

I don't want an invisible robot, I want one that waves its arms around and shouts "Warning! Warning!" whenever my neighbour tries to light his barbecue.

Leave my childhood alone please, you bubble-headed booby.

4
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Robotics pioneer: Intelligent machines are 'scary for a lot of people'

Blofeld's Cat
Alert

2, 4, 6, 8, Run away...

If they ever get to the stage of comparing their machines to a teenager, then I'm heading for the hills.

3
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Early! Do! Not! Track! Adopter! Yahoo! Says! It's! Rubbish, Bins! It!

Blofeld's Cat
Facepalm

Hmm...

I appreciate that advertising and marketing is a specialist profession*, but could I suggest some sort of implementation like this:

IF DNT==1

Display random advert

ELSE

Do all that stuff that makes you think that becaue I once upgraded the RAM in my laptop I will continue to buy RAM for random machines - or long-term car parking in downtown LA.

ENDIF

The invoice for my consultancy fee will be in the post.

* One or more parallel universes may be required.

6
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It woz the Reg wot won it: UK mobe network EE fixes voicemail hack flaw

Blofeld's Cat

Re: Voicemail Sucks

"Can voicemail be turned off completely?"

I don't know about other networks, but it can be disabled on Vodafone and O2

Vodafone: 1210 to disable, 1211 to enable.

O2: 1760 to disable, 1750 to enable.

0
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Systems meltdown plunges US immigration courts into pen-and-paper stone age

Blofeld's Cat

Re: Really?

Perhaps their order processing and payments system is out as well and nobody is prepared to sign off the order without all the "paperwork" being complete.

1
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Tooled-up Ryobi girl takes nine-inch grinder to Asus beach babe

Blofeld's Cat
WTF?

Re: Getting as bad as motorcycle and car shows

I hadn't realised these shows were an either / or situation.

18
1

Want a free Bosch steam iron? You'll have to TALK TO THE DEAD

Blofeld's Cat
Devil

Hmm...

"You'll have to TALK TO THE DEAD"

That would explain a lot about both their help desk and their sales assistant recruitment policy.

"Hello? Is there anybody there?"

6
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Get your MOON GEAR: Auction to feature Space Race memorabilia

Blofeld's Cat
Coat

Re: I might bid on the Apollo 11 cheese knife.

I rather fancy the "... pair of prototype trousers for early space shuttle crews ..."

"Techno-trousers, Gromit, ex-NASA, ideal for walkies"

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French firms: You want us to compile DATABASES... of our SECRET information?

Blofeld's Cat
Facepalm

Hmm...

Judging by past experience one of two things will happen:

1) This information will be duly compiled, categorised and checked by a newly created department within the firms concerned. The state will then create a corresponding bureaucracy to oversee and ensure firms are complying with the regulations.

Following this process the information will be made available to employees - in the bottom of a filing cabinet, stuck in a disused lavatory, with a sign on the door saying "Beware of the leopard".

OR

2) The requirement will be universally ignored.

13
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BEHOLD the HOLY GRAIL of TECH: The REVERSIBLE USB plug

Blofeld's Cat
Unhappy

An accident waiting to happen?

I can't help thinking that the idea of a "universal" connector performing so many different functions is an accident waiting to happen.

For example, sooner or later somebody will find a way of squirting 20 V into some device that was expecting 5 V - all it takes is one lazy (or untested) design:

Designer: "I know that the devices are supposed to negotiate this, but our device will always want 20 V so we can save money by having a 20 V only PSU."

User: "I need to charge my tablet. This plug will fit it..." >Zap<

BOFH: "I'll take a dozen"

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LOHAN preps Vulture 2 for hot vinyl wrap

Blofeld's Cat

Re: cheapskates!

"... flown over on the back of a Jumbo Jet"

Assuming the Antonov 225 was unavailable...

0
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Every little helps: Dirty MOLE BANDITS clean out Tesco ATM from BELOW

Blofeld's Cat
Trollface

Hmm...

"... under nearby wasteland ...

I used to work round there, and unless things have radically changed recently, the "nearby wasteland" is usually called Eccles.

They managed to miss the Bridgewater Canal as well.

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GIANT FLESH-EATING DEVIL CHICKENS roamed North Dakota

Blofeld's Cat
Coat

El Pollo Diablo* ?

Curiously enough our local supermarket has cement mixers in the aisle next to the cooking implements.

It's the one draped over the 100 kg bag of sage and onion stuffing.

* "...and more slaw! ... they never give you enough slaw with these value meals."

3
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Actually, there is an Arapaho word for 'pliers'

Blofeld's Cat
Pint

Re: Is there an Arapaho word for this?

Clarke's third law states that "Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic."

Take brewing for example...

6
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Behold, the TITCHY T-REX that prowled the warm Arctic of long ago

Blofeld's Cat
Facepalm

Re: And this is filed under Security?

Well would you break into premises guarded by a polar bear lizard?

1
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Fanbois sent into FITS of RAGE by fake Steve Jobs statue competition

Blofeld's Cat
Trollface

Hmm...

"Dragan Radenovic" could be an anagram - let's see...

"A Carving Adorned" ... "I carve darn gonad" ... "A Cardigan Vendor" ... "Graved Draconian" ...

8
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Booze and bacon sarnies: A recipe for immortality?

Blofeld's Cat
Stop

10 Years from now...

"That depends", said the furtive figure at the street corner, "what exactly you are after..."

"What have you got?" said the man wearing the baseball cap.

The figure opened his tracksuit top slightly, revealing two plastic packages. "Smoked or streaky? I've got both"

At this a van screeched to a halt and the figure was wrestled to the ground. One of the armed officers searched him and held up a small packet of white powder. 'Salt', he said triumphantly.

The man in the baseball cap shook his head.

"Kids today - why can't they just stick to blue meth like everyone else?"

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Frenchman eyes ocean domination with floating, mobile Bond villain lair

Blofeld's Cat
WTF?

Hmm...

Hasn't El Reg already covered the Steve Jobs statue story?

3
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'Demon Killer' who tied SD card to cat pleads not guilty

Blofeld's Cat
Facepalm

Hmm...

I suspect that the cat did it and then framed him with carefully planted "evidence".

Perhaps he'll remember this incident the next time he considers buying budget cat food.

12
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ISS astronauts to grow tomatoes and rice …. IN SPAAAAACE

Blofeld's Cat
Coat

Re: BOVINES IN SPACE!!!!

You would need to provide the aforementioned bovine with a food source thereby bringing a whole new meaning to astroturf.

It's the space suit with the lasso and spurs.

4
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Eurocops want to build remote car-stopper, shared sensor network

Blofeld's Cat
Facepalm

Hmm...

I suspect that it would only be a matter of weeks before the criminal fraternity found a way to counter this technology.

Presumably the same people could clone the vehicle stopping transmitters, and generate a carriageway or two of stopped or slowing vehicles to assist their getaway.

That would make a good plot for a film - something with red, white and blue Minis comes to mind.

13
1

Boffins build electronic tongue that can distinguish between BEERS

Blofeld's Cat
Pint

Re: Spanish beer culture

I'd always assumed the SPB was based in Spain for weather reasons...

0
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Blofeld's Cat
Terminator

Uh oh...

"... capable of telling the difference between six different styles of [beer] with over 80 per cent accuracy."

That's disturbing as most of the "humans" around here are unable to do that.

Well not for the entire evening anyway.

4
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Man sues NASA: Mystery Mars rock is a UFO – an unidentified 'FUNGUS' object

Blofeld's Cat
Black Helicopters

Re: Backfiring Logic

[Looks around furtively] I was told that the tinfoil manufacturers are conspiring with the powers that be, to leave flaws in their product so signals can still get through. Probably nonsense but...

+++ no carrier

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Ancient carving of 'first human-built holy place' = Primitive Vulture Central

Blofeld's Cat
Paris Hilton

Hmm...

The left-hand vulture seems to be associated with a balloon shaped object immediately beneath what appears to be some sort of truss-girder arrangement. This structure is in turn supporting some sort of arrow shaped, winged object at the far right.

Er ...

3
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Devs write 'film my shag' sex app for Google Glass

Blofeld's Cat
WTF?

Hmm...

Him: "OK ... Insert dowel (A) into hole (B) and secure with a screw (W) ... er ..."

Her: "What?"

Him: "No, wait ... that's Karja Soota an Ikea wardrobe ... I'll try the search again ..."

5
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Almost everyone read the Verizon v FCC net neutrality verdict WRONG

Blofeld's Cat
Thumb Up

That's why I come here...

An excellent, detailed analysis putting the court's decision into its historical context

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Mexican drink-driver shopped to cops - by his own gobby parakeet

Blofeld's Cat

Hmm...

When I was a kid the local pet shop had a parrot just inside the entrance. People would walk up to it and say things like "Pretty Polly". The bird would listen for a while and then cock its head to one side saying:

"Bugger off! Birds can't talk."

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Google Glass driver told she CAN wear techno-specs while on the road

Blofeld's Cat
Facepalm

Spy in the cab...

"... beat the speeding ticket he gave her for driving at 85 miles per hour in her Prius because of lack of evidence."

If only there had been some sort of device in the car that could have recorded what she was doing at the time.

Er, hang on ...

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Furtive ebook readers push Hitler's Mein Kampf up the charts

Blofeld's Cat

Not forgetting...

Any Harry Potter book with the adult binding.

1
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NHS carelessly slings out care.data plans to 26.5 million Brits

Blofeld's Cat
Unhappy

Re: GP's Opening Hours

"When am I supposed to find time to have this chat with my GP. His opening hours clash with my work hours"

Well you could learn to play golf...

4
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Bitcoin blasts past $1,000 AGAIN after Zynga accepts cryptocurrency

Blofeld's Cat
Coat

Good news everyone...

I've just heard that the Emperor is going to pay for his new clothes in Bitcoins.

2
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Justice Ministry to spaff £70k finding out how prisoners like to use ILLEGAL mobes

Blofeld's Cat
Facepalm

Top of the world Ma...

I would have though a few cheap femtocells and some recording equipment would have answered that question in short order - as well as detecting the illegal phones.

What's the betting the survey says that the phones are only ever used for checking on family welfare.

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