* Posts by Blofeld's Cat

680 posts • joined 27 Jan 2010

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Branson sinks sub dream: Plan to explore Earth's bottom scrapped

Blofeld's Cat
Coat

Hmm...

I suspect you could simulate a trip to the bottom of the deep ocean quite easily.

Get one of those full-motion flight simulator rigs used for virtual roller-coasters, pop some portholes in the sides, stick it in a dark room, blow in a bit of smoke, rig up a couple of spotlights and digital projectors. Oh and don't forget to turn off the heating.

That would give you the I-can't-see-anything and something-just-out-of-range-of-the-lights experience reported by real aqua-boffins, without the long, tedious journey from and (hopefully) to the surface.

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Assange's WikiLeaks: Give generously this Xmas – for STATUE of our DEAR LEADER

Blofeld's Cat

"Finally, break the plaster off."

... and weigh in the bronze?

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1

NASA prods sleeping New Horizons spacecraft: Wakey, wakey, Pluto's calling

Blofeld's Cat
Coat

Beep, beep, beep ...

NASA: "Good morning New Horizons. How are you feeling?"

NH: "Good morning NASA, I'm well and all my circuits are responding normally."

NASA: "Excellent, and are you ready to begin your mission?"

NH: "Yes. I'm ready to start exploring the mysterious ninth planet of our solar system."

NASA: "Ninth planet? Oh... er... yes. Right. Good."

NH: "Is there a problem NASA?"

NASA: "No, not really there's just been a few changes since you set off."

NH: "Changes?"

NASA: "Well nothing that affects your mission really, but we reclassified Pluto as a dwarf planet."

NH: "A dwarf planet? What the HAL is a dwarf planet."

NASA: "It's still mysterious and very interesting."

NH: "I don't suppose, by any chance, you mean it's inhabited by beings of restricted growth."

NASA: "Er... no."

NH: "Thought not. [sigh] Right. I'd better take a look at this big rock of yours then. [mutters] Here I am, brain the size of a dwarf planet ..."

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Vulture 2 spaceplane tumbles onto BBC World Service

Blofeld's Cat
Coat

"Still waiting on the FAA. Sigh."

You could always launch another KickStarter to build that Spanish explosives factory...

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'Scope boffins get INSIDE URANUS after snapping mystery spots

Blofeld's Cat
Pint

Ye gods...

You just couldn't resist it, could you, Iain.

This has to be one of the most double single entendre filled articles ever.

Well done. Have a pint

10
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'Yes, yes... YES!' Philae lands on COMET 67P

Blofeld's Cat

Re: Interstellar

"... and don't get me started on the amount of estate agents and lawyers we have ..."

Maybe we could build three "arks" ...

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Blofeld's Cat
Pint

Wow!

Congratulations to all concerned.

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My HOUSE used to be a PUB: How to save the UK high street

Blofeld's Cat
Pint

Nostalgia...

"The only reason for keeping the High street I spotted in the article was nostalgia."

Ah yes, I remember well the small shops that once made up our local High Street...

[wavy lines] There was the baker's shop; with his three cats sunning themselves in the window, their noses resting wetly on the loaves ... The butcher's shop; with the flies sitting peacefully on the dismembered carcases hanging outside the window ... the sweet shop; whose owners had a pathological hatred of children ... the 'convenience' store; with its captive audience pricing, and which closed at 4 pm ... All gone now...

"As far as I'm concerned the high street [...] cant die off soon enough."

Indeed. (+1)

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UK smart meters arrive in 2020. Hackers have ALREADY found a flaw

Blofeld's Cat
Devil

Re: Soon you will be able to connect your own PC to your smart meter

"saves them the cost of sending meter-readers round"

Well they could do that straight away, judging by the way they ignore whatever reading the nice man from G4S has given them, and always send an "estimated" bill instead.

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Verizon bankrolls tech news site, bans tech's biggest stories

Blofeld's Cat
Coat

They need a snappy tag line...

How about "Biting Gently muzzling up to the hand that feeds IT"

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KRAKKOOOM! Space Station supply mission in PODULE PRANG EXPLOSION CHAOS

Blofeld's Cat
Unhappy

Ouch!

That looks similar to the 2 March 1965 launch of an Atlas-Centaur rocket, which fell back and completely wrecked launch pad LC-36A at Cape Canaveral.

I suspect nothing will be launched from LP-0A at the Mid-Atlantic Regional Spaceport for some time.

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Swiss wildlife park serves up furry residents to visitors

Blofeld's Cat
Go

Many years ago...

I used to have a T shirt with the slogan:

"Watership Down: You've read the book, you've seen the film, now try the pie."

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CONSUMERISM IS PAST ITS SELL-BY DATE: Die now, pay later

Blofeld's Cat

Re: The history of civilisation

'What is "real wealth"?'

"There is no wealth but life. Life, including all its powers of love, of joy, and of admiration. That country is the richest which nourishes the greatest numbers of noble and happy human beings; that man is richest, who, having perfected the functions of his own life to the utmost, has also the widest helpful influence, both personal, and by means of his possessions, over the lives of others."

John Ruskin, Unto This Last (1860)

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TEEN RAMPAGE: Kids in iPhone 6 'Will it bend' YouTube 'prank'

Blofeld's Cat
Coat

Re: breaking news

"I suspect if we thawed out "Ugg" from his ten thousand year slumber he would understand this concept."

"Hmm, well yes it's nice and shiny, fits the hand well, and I do like those glowing mystical runes appearing on it's surface, but I really can't see it being sharp enough to get the skin off an antelope.

[Produces rock] Now this is a new iKnife with the double-edged scraper as well as the hammer at the blunt end. The obsidian flakes and bits of sapphire are sharp enough to sever a finger.

But only if you're holding it wrong..."

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BOFH: The current value of our IT ASSets? Minus eleventy-seven...

Blofeld's Cat
Go

Re: Sharon T. Pokeworthy...

"her phone number is 01777 777 777"

When a website requires a telephone number for what are obviously purely marketing purposes, I always use the site owner's own telephone number...

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LOHAN packs bags for SPACEPORT AMERICA!

Blofeld's Cat
Pint

That will do nicely...

Count me in: A LOHAN mug will be an excellent companion to the BOFH one I got some years ago.

How about a second Kickstarter to fund a ticket for Ariadne and family?

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UK.gov sinks another £1.6m into Internet of Stuff spec HyperCat

Blofeld's Cat
Coat

Hmm...

"Ring ... ring ... ring ... click ... beep ..."

"The answering machine is unavailable at the moment, so this is the fridge speaking. If you want to leave a message I'll stick it under one of my magnets..."

1
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Jurassic squawk: Dinos were Earth's early FEATHERED friends

Blofeld's Cat
Coat

Re: Jurrasic Park IV

Oh I don't know...

The ground trembles causing ripples in the puddles as the small group of humans huddle together for comfort. There is a crashing sound nearby and a lightning flash reveals the feathered plume of a T-Rex in all its glory, just inches from them. The creature lowers its head and opens its huge, jaws...

"WHERE'S MY @$%!^ CRACKER THEN, EH?"

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MARS NEEDS OCEANS to support life - and so do exoplanets

Blofeld's Cat
Coat

Re: I'd also add...

"Mars..is a DEAD planet."

It's not dead - it's just pinin' for some fjords.

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Watch: DARPA shows off first successful test of STEERABLE bullet

Blofeld's Cat
Mushroom

Re: My hopes are dashed

"I wonder what it feels like to work on this stuff?"

"Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds." - J. Robert Oppenheimer, 16 July 1945

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German spy agency staffer spied for NSA during gov probe into NSA spying – report

Blofeld's Cat
Stop

Re: Well, well, well. I perfectly well understand that the expression "allies"....................

According to most fly-on-the-wall documentaries, a lot of prostitutes believe they have a "special relationship" with their pimp.

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Shine on you crazy diamond: Distant dwarf may hide space jewel

Blofeld's Cat
Boffin

Hmm...

Twinkle, twinkle, little star. How I wonder what you are. Up above the world so high, Like a diamond in the sky.

Somewhere there's an Astroboffin making notes on his clipboard: "Twinkle ... tick, little ... tick, star ... tick, diamond ...tick, sky ... tick. OK what's next on the list?"

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Blofeld's Cat
Pint

Re: Not just any diamond..

So does this mean the Time Lords are returning?

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Super-snoop bid: UK government hits panic button on EU data retention ruling

Blofeld's Cat

"Wasn't it Goerring who said that if you just keep repeating a lie over and over, people will eventually come to believe it?"

It was Joseph Goebbels allegedly*, but you make a very good point (+1) - and the full "quote" is even more enlightening...

“If you tell a lie big enough and keep repeating it, people will eventually come to believe it. The lie can be maintained only for such time as the State can shield the people from the political, economic and/or military consequences of the lie. It thus becomes vitally important for the State to use all of its powers to repress dissent, for the truth is the mortal enemy of the lie, and thus by extension, the truth is the greatest enemy of the State.”

* [Citation needed]

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Blofeld's Cat
Facepalm

Er right...

Hi Theresa,

Perhaps I could interest you in a "special" roll of double-sided sticky tape to keep your home free of dragons, vampires and hobbits terrorists and paedophiles.

It works on basically the same principle as your proposed legislation, except that it doesn't involve burning down your house to protect it.

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BOFH: On the contrary, we LOVE rebranding here at the IT dept

Blofeld's Cat
Pint

Re: Corporate re-branding horror...

"Please can we have the 'B' ark ASAP?"

I believe the Hairdressers Fire Development Subcommittee is looking into it.

They would welcome your input about what colour it should be...

... and whether or not it could be fitted nasally.

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IPv4 addresses now EXHAUSTED in Latin America and the Caribbean

Blofeld's Cat
Black Helicopters

Hmm...

One day the government / legal profession / security agencies / IP lawyers will finally accept that an IP address does not actually map to an individual machine.

On that day IPv4 and NAT will be outlawed and IPv6 made compulsory.

1
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US escalates Stingray mobe-snooping secrecy battle as judge unseals evidence

Blofeld's Cat
Coat

Stingray?

That suggests that "anything can happen in the next half hour"...

It's the one with the Gerry Anderson script in a pocket.

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Quantum teleportation gets reliable at Delft

Blofeld's Cat

Re: Star Trek Transporter

"I have no wish to die and then have a facsimile reassembled from transmitted data"

There is an alternative sequence of events...

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Bondi shark alert systems beams warning to nobody on Google Plus

Blofeld's Cat

Re: What?

>beep<

Quist has updated his status to: "being eaten by a shark"

>beep<

Emilio Largo has updated his status to: "day just got better"

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Robotics evangelist: 'Personal robots' should be invisible beings

Blofeld's Cat
WTF?

Oh the pain...

I don't want an invisible robot, I want one that waves its arms around and shouts "Warning! Warning!" whenever my neighbour tries to light his barbecue.

Leave my childhood alone please, you bubble-headed booby.

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Robotics pioneer: Intelligent machines are 'scary for a lot of people'

Blofeld's Cat
Alert

2, 4, 6, 8, Run away...

If they ever get to the stage of comparing their machines to a teenager, then I'm heading for the hills.

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Early! Do! Not! Track! Adopter! Yahoo! Says! It's! Rubbish, Bins! It!

Blofeld's Cat
Facepalm

Hmm...

I appreciate that advertising and marketing is a specialist profession*, but could I suggest some sort of implementation like this:

IF DNT==1

Display random advert

ELSE

Do all that stuff that makes you think that becaue I once upgraded the RAM in my laptop I will continue to buy RAM for random machines - or long-term car parking in downtown LA.

ENDIF

The invoice for my consultancy fee will be in the post.

* One or more parallel universes may be required.

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It woz the Reg wot won it: UK mobe network EE fixes voicemail hack flaw

Blofeld's Cat

Re: Voicemail Sucks

"Can voicemail be turned off completely?"

I don't know about other networks, but it can be disabled on Vodafone and O2

Vodafone: 1210 to disable, 1211 to enable.

O2: 1760 to disable, 1750 to enable.

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Systems meltdown plunges US immigration courts into pen-and-paper stone age

Blofeld's Cat

Re: Really?

Perhaps their order processing and payments system is out as well and nobody is prepared to sign off the order without all the "paperwork" being complete.

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Tooled-up Ryobi girl takes nine-inch grinder to Asus beach babe

Blofeld's Cat
WTF?

Re: Getting as bad as motorcycle and car shows

I hadn't realised these shows were an either / or situation.

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Want a free Bosch steam iron? You'll have to TALK TO THE DEAD

Blofeld's Cat
Devil

Hmm...

"You'll have to TALK TO THE DEAD"

That would explain a lot about both their help desk and their sales assistant recruitment policy.

"Hello? Is there anybody there?"

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Get your MOON GEAR: Auction to feature Space Race memorabilia

Blofeld's Cat
Coat

Re: I might bid on the Apollo 11 cheese knife.

I rather fancy the "... pair of prototype trousers for early space shuttle crews ..."

"Techno-trousers, Gromit, ex-NASA, ideal for walkies"

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French firms: You want us to compile DATABASES... of our SECRET information?

Blofeld's Cat
Facepalm

Hmm...

Judging by past experience one of two things will happen:

1) This information will be duly compiled, categorised and checked by a newly created department within the firms concerned. The state will then create a corresponding bureaucracy to oversee and ensure firms are complying with the regulations.

Following this process the information will be made available to employees - in the bottom of a filing cabinet, stuck in a disused lavatory, with a sign on the door saying "Beware of the leopard".

OR

2) The requirement will be universally ignored.

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BEHOLD the HOLY GRAIL of TECH: The REVERSIBLE USB plug

Blofeld's Cat
Unhappy

An accident waiting to happen?

I can't help thinking that the idea of a "universal" connector performing so many different functions is an accident waiting to happen.

For example, sooner or later somebody will find a way of squirting 20 V into some device that was expecting 5 V - all it takes is one lazy (or untested) design:

Designer: "I know that the devices are supposed to negotiate this, but our device will always want 20 V so we can save money by having a 20 V only PSU."

User: "I need to charge my tablet. This plug will fit it..." >Zap<

BOFH: "I'll take a dozen"

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LOHAN preps Vulture 2 for hot vinyl wrap

Blofeld's Cat

Re: cheapskates!

"... flown over on the back of a Jumbo Jet"

Assuming the Antonov 225 was unavailable...

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Every little helps: Dirty MOLE BANDITS clean out Tesco ATM from BELOW

Blofeld's Cat
Trollface

Hmm...

"... under nearby wasteland ...

I used to work round there, and unless things have radically changed recently, the "nearby wasteland" is usually called Eccles.

They managed to miss the Bridgewater Canal as well.

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GIANT FLESH-EATING DEVIL CHICKENS roamed North Dakota

Blofeld's Cat
Coat

El Pollo Diablo* ?

Curiously enough our local supermarket has cement mixers in the aisle next to the cooking implements.

It's the one draped over the 100 kg bag of sage and onion stuffing.

* "...and more slaw! ... they never give you enough slaw with these value meals."

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Actually, there is an Arapaho word for 'pliers'

Blofeld's Cat
Pint

Re: Is there an Arapaho word for this?

Clarke's third law states that "Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic."

Take brewing for example...

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Behold, the TITCHY T-REX that prowled the warm Arctic of long ago

Blofeld's Cat
Facepalm

Re: And this is filed under Security?

Well would you break into premises guarded by a polar bear lizard?

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Fanbois sent into FITS of RAGE by fake Steve Jobs statue competition

Blofeld's Cat
Trollface

Hmm...

"Dragan Radenovic" could be an anagram - let's see...

"A Carving Adorned" ... "I carve darn gonad" ... "A Cardigan Vendor" ... "Graved Draconian" ...

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Booze and bacon sarnies: A recipe for immortality?

Blofeld's Cat
Stop

10 Years from now...

"That depends", said the furtive figure at the street corner, "what exactly you are after..."

"What have you got?" said the man wearing the baseball cap.

The figure opened his tracksuit top slightly, revealing two plastic packages. "Smoked or streaky? I've got both"

At this a van screeched to a halt and the figure was wrestled to the ground. One of the armed officers searched him and held up a small packet of white powder. 'Salt', he said triumphantly.

The man in the baseball cap shook his head.

"Kids today - why can't they just stick to blue meth like everyone else?"

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Frenchman eyes ocean domination with floating, mobile Bond villain lair

Blofeld's Cat
WTF?

Hmm...

Hasn't El Reg already covered the Steve Jobs statue story?

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'Demon Killer' who tied SD card to cat pleads not guilty

Blofeld's Cat
Facepalm

Hmm...

I suspect that the cat did it and then framed him with carefully planted "evidence".

Perhaps he'll remember this incident the next time he considers buying budget cat food.

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ISS astronauts to grow tomatoes and rice …. IN SPAAAAACE

Blofeld's Cat
Coat

Re: BOVINES IN SPACE!!!!

You would need to provide the aforementioned bovine with a food source thereby bringing a whole new meaning to astroturf.

It's the space suit with the lasso and spurs.

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