* Posts by Blofeld's Cat

846 posts • joined 27 Jan 2010

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Microsoft, IBM, Intel refuse to hand over family jewels to China

Blofeld's Cat
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Devil

Re: Greed will triumph

You mean ...

CEO: "Good morning Mr Chairman, before we begin our trade negotiations, my board has instructed me to raise with you all the issues we have with your company's record on ethics and human rights. [5 seconds of silence] Having done that ...."

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CERN concern: Particle boffins join backlash against Euro Patent Office's King Battistelli

Blofeld's Cat
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Devil

Hmm...

Inspector: "So did you see the president leave the room after his meeting with the particle physicists?"

Assistant: "No, but when I came in to get the post that was there."

Inspector: "I take it there wasn't a temporal rift in here yesterday."

Assistant: "Well there wasn't then, but there might be now."

Inspector: "[sighs] Ah. [calls out] Sergeant - when you've finished dusting those broken hadrons for prints, ask Dr Freeman to step in here for a moment ... [glances across room] ... and tell him to bring a crowbar."

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Give BAE a kicking and flog off new UK warships, says review

Blofeld's Cat
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Bleaugh!

Sir,

I have read with interest the article your august journal has seen fit to publish about the plight of our Royal Navy.

It seems a mere blink or an eye ago that mighty vessels like the Dreadnought, Ark Royal and Troutbridge flew the White Ensign far and wide across the seven seas, while these days we seem to have insufficient vessels to patrol the Severn Estuary.

A mere 120 years ago, if one of the local potentates was getting a bit uppity, we would send three cruisers and a couple of gunboats to help along our diplomatic negotiations. Should the potentate fail to take our advice, then 45 minutes later the locals would be sweeping up the rubble, while we invoiced them for the ammunition used. Now we can barely send a whining note by rowing boat.

In my opinion our politicians should spend more time on naval manoeuvres and less time navel gazing.

I remain,

Admiral Buckfast-Guzzler (retired)

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Adblock again beats publishers' Adblock-blocking attempts

Blofeld's Cat
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Re: Ad walls ...

"... have you mentioned your problems to the website? ..."

Yes. When the new ads first appeared I assumed there had been an error, and emailed them.

Their reply was essentially:

  • Advertising revenue pays for the site.
  • Subscribers are not shown any ads.
  • These are offers not ads, so we show them.

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Blofeld's Cat
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Flame

Ad walls ...

There are a couple of sites I use regularly where I have chosen to pay a small annual subscription to view them without advertisements.

One of these sites has recently started pushing increasingly intrusive "offers from our carefully chosen partners", which I believe to be simply greedy. Needless to say these offers cannot easily be disabled...

Guess who won't be getting their annual subscription renewed.

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Hackers crack Liechtenstein banks, demand ransoms

Blofeld's Cat
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Terminator

Hmm...

"... clients including politicians, actors, and wealthy individuals ... demanding up to 10 per cent of account balances paid in Bitcoin for the information to be withheld ..."

I suspect that some of these "wealthy individuals" might be able to seriously affect the life expectancy career prospects of the hackers for considerably less than that.

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'Data saturation' helped to crash the Schiaparelli Mars probe

Blofeld's Cat
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FAIL

Re: Welcome to embedded system engineering

" I'm not sure that there's any reason deploying parachutes at a negative altitude."

I believe Wile E Coyote has done this on numerous occasions.

It appears to be the standard failure mode for parachutes according to the rules of comedy. The parachute then floats down and completely covers the lander-shaped hole in the Martian surface.

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Surveillance camera compromised in 98 seconds

Blofeld's Cat
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Coat

Re: Yay for the apocalypse!

"Skynet may never get its chance!"

Indeed. Cue image of a terminator crunching his way across a field of sculls, just to enquire whether you would like a toasted teacake.

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Hyperloop One settles hangman lawsuit

Blofeld's Cat
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Thumb Up

Also ...

Bambi and Thumper (Lola Larson and Trina Parks) in Diamonds Are Forever are both definitely female.

Perhaps not the best role model though ...

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What a bee-lief! UK's asian hornet outbreak is over ... for now

Blofeld's Cat
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Childcatcher

Re: What does this remind me of?

<daily wail> ... coming over here with their dark brown or black velvety abdomens and decapitating our bees, just so their pregnant queens can get nests ... </daily wail>

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DRAMA ON MARS: Curiosity bot fires laser at alien metal object

Blofeld's Cat
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"and isn't generating the neutrons it once was"

I am told that getting a hadron does become more difficult with age...

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Vatican and musicians at odds over appropriate use of crematorium leftovers

Blofeld's Cat
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Devil

Hmm...

I intend leaving instructions that my remains, together with some specially commissioned artefacts, are interred in a manner designed to baffle future archaeologists.

"We don't know who he was, or why his ashes were placed in a concrete replica of a bouncy castle, and heaven knows what he did with that thing. We think it's probably a ritual object ..."

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Apple's Breaxit scandal: Frenchman smashes up €50,000 of iThings with his big metal balls

Blofeld's Cat
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Facepalm

Hmm...

" ... stormed into an Apple store and smashed up iPhones and MacBooks using a metal ball ... accompanied by someone videoing the scene ..."

Well that's this year's Turner Prize sorted out.

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What’s that Sooty? You want a girlfriend?

Blofeld's Cat
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Childcatcher

"and I think the little house knew something about it! Don't you?"

Ah those sweet, innocent days when "Muffin the Mule" was not a euphemism ...

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Blofeld's Cat
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Coat

A female panda if called a "sow" while a male is a "boar".

[slaps face] How the hell do I know this? Damned pub quiz questions distracting me when I should be concentrating on my drinking.

It's the anorak

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Dublin shopkeeper catches forecourt fouler with his pants down

Blofeld's Cat
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Coat

Er ...

Did he buy any of the loo roll - or just leave a deposit?

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Rosetta spacecraft set for smash landing

Blofeld's Cat
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Alien

Re: Contaminant detected

My first thought was "I wonder what the Clangers will make of that?".

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BOFH: There are no wrong answers, just wrong questions. Mmm, really wrong ones

Blofeld's Cat
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Pint

Ah...

This reminds me of the probably apocryphal story where someone was given a Rorschach test and responded with a sexual description for each inkblot.

At the end of the test the psychologist suggested he was obsessed by sex - to which the man replied:

"Me? You're the one with all the dirty pictures."

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Blofeld's Cat
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Re: 2B) or not.

'..."good news; you're not an axe murderer" ...'

Ah yes I remember going for interviews with all manner of these tests.

I don't know what the company got out of them, but they did warn you what to expect if you took the job.

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What a time to be alive: Nissan reveals self-driving chair

Blofeld's Cat
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Devil

Hmm...

Very interesting; but would these chairs survive being routed via the stairwell when BOFH mode is engaged?

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Ordinary punters will get squat from smart meters, reckons report

Blofeld's Cat
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Facepalm

Hmm...

"We were assured that consumers will own their data and be able to decide who can access it."

If that assured you then I have a bridge you may be interested in buying.

"Wider questions about processes for anonymisation and the ethics of data usage and consent will need to be considered carefully by the Data Services Ethics Council being set up by the Government following our big data dilemma report."

Government ethics have been unfavourably compared with those of an incontinent dog on a croquet lawn.

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Disney rollercoaster helps pop out kidney stones

Blofeld's Cat
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Coat

Subhead ...

"We're not even taking the piss"

But are you taking the Mickey?

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BBC to demand logins for iPlayer in early 2017

Blofeld's Cat
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Coat

Right ...

"... it will not be used for enforcement purposes ..."

"The thought hadn't even begun to speculate about the merest possibility of crossing my mind" - Douglas Adams, HHGTTG

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Narcissist Heidi Powell wants her dot-com and she wants it now, now, NOW!

Blofeld's Cat
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Angel

Hmm...

There seem to be a few other appropriate domain names still available: heidipowell.fail, heidipowell.gripe, heidipowell.lol and heidipowell.wtf to name but a few.

I see that, somewhat surprisingly, heidipowell.fitness and heidipowell.coach are still available - at the moment ...

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Conviction by computer: Ministry of Justice wants defendants to plead guilty online

Blofeld's Cat
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Facepalm

Hmm...

"... and you are further charged with performing an illegal operation at ..."

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NASA starts countdown for Cassini probe's Saturn death dive

Blofeld's Cat
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Alien

Hmm...

"Humanity's throwing away three space probes in the next 18 months."

Could they not have just put them on Ebay?

"L@@K space probe. High mileage but all original parts. $1 - buyer collects"

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The next Bond – Basildon or Bass-Ass? YOU decide

Blofeld's Cat
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Mushroom

Hmm...

I don't really care who plays Bond as long as Eddie Izzard plays the villain.

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Second 'dimmer switch' star spotted

Blofeld's Cat
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Coat

So ...

"... watching the early business of planet formation ..."

Presumably the next stage is to look out for the spontaneous formation and demise of an innocent sperm whale and a bowl of petunias.

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It's OK to fine someone for repeating a historical fact, says Russian Supreme Court

Blofeld's Cat
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Re: Fact-checking, we've heard about it

"Just look up what 'Pravda' means and what the publication of that name was used for in the time of the USSR."

There was a popular saying at the time that there was "no truth in Pravda and no news in Izvestia".

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Intel bags FAA pass to fly 100-strong drone armadas over US soil

Blofeld's Cat
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Unhappy

Hmm...

So 100 strong drone armadas get a waiver, but a single balloon/rocket has to go through the whole assessment process.

Nothing to see here, citizen, move along ...

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Australian geoboffin discovers 3.7 billion year old fossils after ice melts

Blofeld's Cat
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Angel

Re: 6000 years

"I don't recall stromatolites being mentioned... did I miss those verses?"

I believe they got omitted at one of the early editorial meetings, but will probably get reinstated in the "Director's Cut"...

"OK lads we need to get this wrapped up - is it the "stromatolites" or the "Song of Solomon"? For what it's worth I like the pomegranates metaphor ..."

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No, the VCR is not about to die. It died years ago. Now it's VHS/DVD combo boxes' turn

Blofeld's Cat
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Coat

Ah...

Ah yes I remember those days - you would look up the program you wanted to record in TV Times, lie on the floor to set the clock, spend five minutes getting the cellophane wrapper off a new E120 cassette and finally press "timer".

Later you would return to find that:

a) You had recorded the programme you wanted*

b) You had recorded a completely different programme

c) The TV station was running late so you got 20 mins of snooker and the recording ended just as Miss Marple was about to expose the murderer.

d) That was last week's TV Times

* In this case you would usually overwrite the tape before remembering to watch it

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Samsung spills beans on mystery username, password emails to devs

Blofeld's Cat
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Facepalm

Are you sure ?

"... that instant "oh, nooo" moment ..."

Yes - Been there, done that, recreated the database table...

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Microsoft's cringey 'Hey bae <3' recruiter email translated by El Reg

Blofeld's Cat
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Devil

Ah...

Some people just never learn ...

Innocent young college kid goes for a "meeting" with a stranger and then wakes up the next morning, in an unfamiliar box, with a massive, alcohol-induced headache and suddenly realises that someone has ...

... installed Windows 10 on their laptop.

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NASCAR team red-flagged by ransomware attack

Blofeld's Cat
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Facepalm

Re: to be fair

A former colleague went working for one major F1 team and they were air-gapping everything long before it became fashionable.

Nothing on the R&D side had any direct connection to the outside world and production software was kept away from development areas. Their race-day hardware was also completely locked down and triplicated.

Their primary concern was keeping confidential information away from other teams, but the systems they put in place would have laughed off malware attacks.

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Patriotic Brits rush into streets to celebrate… National Cream Tea Day

Blofeld's Cat
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Happy

Ah...

Thank you for drawing this to my attention. I will now go and celebrate in the appropriate way...

... by having a bacon sarnie with my mug of Yorkshire.

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PM resigns as Britain votes to leave EU

Blofeld's Cat
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Hmm...

"There's nothing in the streets

Looks any different to me

And the slogans are replaced, by-the-bye

And the parting on the left

Are now parting on the right

And the beards have all grown longer overnight

I'll tip my hat to the new constitution

Take a bow for the new revolution

Smile and grin at the change all around

Pick up my guitar and play

Just like yesterday

Then I'll get on my knees and pray

We don't get fooled again

Don't get fooled again

[...]

Meet the new boss - Same as the old boss"

Won't get fooled again - The Who (Released 25 June 1971)

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Lester Haines: RIP

Blofeld's Cat
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GNU Lester Haines

Sad news. Lester managed to hit that happy balance between information and humour which made his articles so enjoyable.

Condolences to his family, friends and colleagues.

The world of "garden shed" engineering will never be the same again.

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Cats understand the laws of physics, researchers claim

Blofeld's Cat
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Holmes

Hmm...

I am not surprised by these findings.

We used to house, feed and entertain* a cat that could determine the contents of a tin while either sleeping or stalking the local wildlife in the far reaches of the garden.

If the tin contained something it liked**, then the creature would be rubbing round your legs before the opener could dent the lid.

* Nobody ever really owns a cat.

** i.e. not cat food or peaches.

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'I am not a lizard' Zuckerberg proclaims in public Q&A

Blofeld's Cat
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Facepalm

Hmm...

"Mark Zuckerberg has denied that he is a lizard ..."

"Well he would, wouldn’t he?" - Mandy Rice-Davies, 28 June 1963

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Users fear yet another hack as TalkTalk services go down

Blofeld's Cat
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Headmaster

Re: Popcorn ready!

"... severe wheather conditions ...

That's the worst spell of weather we've had for some time.

Sorry I couldn't resist it.

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On her microphone's secret service: How spies, anyone can grab crypto keys from the air

Blofeld's Cat
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Coat

"... to deal with most situations ..."

Most situations yes, but presumably not the Noodle Incident.

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Leak: Euro Patent Office 'court of appeals' rails against King Battistelli

Blofeld's Cat
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Coat

"So who has the power to fire this guy?"

I think you have to throw his letter of appointment into a volcano.

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Earth's core is younger than its crust surface

Blofeld's Cat
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Coat

So ...

Dateline 22 October 4004 BC, about 3:30 pm: Place the planet Magrathea:

Two figures stand on a construction gantry surrounded by partly assembled dinosaur skeletons and surplus firmament.

"Right that's the crust finished, shall we call it a day?"

"Nah, we'll pour the core in before we go. It'll only take a couple of hours or so to heat it up."

"OK, but I'm taking tomorrow off for a rest."

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Queen's Speech: Ministers, release the spaceplanes!*

Blofeld's Cat
Silver badge
Devil

I can dream ...

I keep hoping one day we'll get a real Queen's Speech ...

"It is high time for me to put an end to your sitting in this place, which you have dishonored by your contempt of all virtue, and defiled by your practice of every vice.

Ye are a factious crew, and enemies to all good government. Ye are a pack of mercenary wretches, and would like Esau sell your country for a mess of pottage, and like Judas betray your God for a few pieces of money.

Is there a single virtue now remaining amongst you? Is there one vice you do not possess?

Ye have no more religion than my horse. Gold is your God. Which of you have not bartered your conscience for bribes? Is there a man amongst you that has the least care for the good of the Commonwealth?

Ye sordid prostitutes have you not defiled this sacred place, and turned the Lord's temple into a den of thieves, by your immoral principles and wicked practices?

Ye are grown intolerably odious to the whole nation. You were deputed here by the people to get grievances redressed, are yourselves become the greatest grievance.

Your country therefore calls upon me to cleanse this Augean stable, by putting a final period to your iniquitous proceedings in this House; and which by God's help, and the strength he has given me, I am now come to do.

I command ye therefore, upon the peril of your lives, to depart immediately out of this place.

Go, get you out! Make haste! Ye venal slaves be gone! Go! Take away that shining bauble there, and lock up the doors.

In the name of God, go!" - Oliver Cromwell to the Rump Parliament, April 1653

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Curiosity find Mars' icecaps suck up its atmosphere

Blofeld's Cat
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So ...

"Mars ain't the kind of place to raise your kids. In fact it's cold as Hell." - Elton John, Rocket Man.

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Researcher arrested after reporting pwnage hole in elections site

Blofeld's Cat
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Facepalm

Hmm...

Evidently somebody still believes the best way to protect their stuff is to train a crack squad of marksmen to shoot any messenger who comes into range.

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You can always rely on the Ancient Ones to cock things up

Blofeld's Cat
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Facepalm

Hmm...

"To add to the Twilight Zone feel to the day, the fridge blew a fuse and a lightbulb in the shower chose that moment to begin flickering."

Sounds like Murphy's Law in action ... or possibly O' Toole's corollary ...

"Murphy was such an optimist"

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Blofeld's Cat
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Coat

"... Roots are not the only thing that can block them ..."

When some of the drains at our hollowed out volcano backed up during a thunderstorm and flooded part of the offices, the boss called in a drain clearing company.

They traced the problem to a particular manhole under the stockroom floor. On removing the (approximately 240) bolts that secured the access cover, it was discovered that the chamber contained a donkey-jacket with the builder's name on the back.

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