Ah so that's why one customer keeps asking me if his website is protected against "squirrel injection attacks".
736 posts • joined 27 Jan 2010
Ah so that's why one customer keeps asking me if his website is protected against "squirrel injection attacks".
Did anyone else read "immortal" as "immoral"?
OK, only me then - I blame a lack of caffeine.
Well that should reassure all the conspiracy theorists out there.
"... under contract from the German Government."
Tin foil - It's not just for wrapping the turkey.
I have always found that explaining the operation of my non-working code to one of the cats allows me to quickly find where I have cocked it up. This process is referred to as the "CAT scan".
The technique also works with dogs (the "Lab report") and random strangers ("user testing").
I remember my PHB at the time looking at Windows 1.0 and commenting that it would never catch on, and that we certainly wouldn't be bothering with it.
Our flagship software product at that date ran on DOS and used GEM, having recently moved over from CP/M.
When WFW 3.11 was getting well established the same PHB gave* another company the entire source code to produce a Windows version, on the basis that the few people who might use it didn't justify the cost of developing one in house.
* That's "gave" not "licensed", "outsourced" etc. as their lawyers pointed out when he tried to claim royalties on the Windows version.
"So how does that work then?"
It's complicated, and often sub-contracted out, but it essentially involves an orange jump-suit, a plank, some buckets of water and, occasionally, a short rubber hose.
May I complement you on your excellent and timely recipe.
Earlier this evening I discovered the memsahib at the front door being beset by a gaggle of "trick-or-treat" demanding hooligans,
This practice appears to be a repulsive transatlantic import, indistinguishable from our own "demanding money with menaces", but I digress.
Having decided to provide these ruffians with a "treat", rather than have the wing-mirror kicked off my Bentley, I instructed my man Harbinger to knock up a couple of platefuls of sarnies following the recipe described in your august journal.
Harbinger tells me that this proved highly successful and he will get Lecter, the under-gardener, to tidy up the flower beds in the morning.
I remain, sir, your obedient servant,
Colonel Buckfast-Guzzler (retired)
Meanwhile in a parallel universe...
"Thank you Judge for your detailed and interesting review of our surveillance activities. Maybe you would care to also review this other dossier before we pass it to the press ... Why yes it does appear to have your name on it, isn't that a coincidence."
My great-grandfather used to tell the local Tory candidate that he would like to vote for him, but was unfortunately too frail to go the the polling station.
The Tory candidate would then arrange transport for him, enabling him to get to the polling station - where he would invariably vote for the Liberal candidate,
"... Innocent Brazilian Plumbers ..."
Not quite. Jean Charles de Menezes was an innocent Brazilian Electrician.
His death might have been a terrible mistake by the officers concerned, but the cover-up and misinformation afterwards was absolutely inexcusable.
"... which are the summer months in the Southern Hemisphere ... "
The downside to this contract is that you will be paid by the day...
"Couldn't you just launch from international waters?"
Perhaps Elon Musk would lend you one of his Autonomous spaceport drone ships, while the Falcon is being reworked.
What about the man who hired an eighteen year old escort for the evening and was disappointed when a rusty Ford car turned up.
"... feature Benidorm and Loose Women’s Sherrie Hewson in the lead role ..."
I'd always thought Snow White was a young girl, not somebody on the verge of retirement. Mind you I suppose that's sexist, ageist or something like that now...
"I used to be Snow White, but I drifted" - Mae West
Does this mean that anyone who makes domains from two or more words, such as "theregister", are likely to suddenly find their domains being blocked?
I suspect the false positive rate will turn out to be rather more that 2%.
I think that as Mr Dabbs has disclosed the existence of Ikabai-Sital, it is time to reveal two of their fundamental principles...
If it doesn't move and it should - use WD40. If it moves and it shouldn't - use Duck Tape*.
Duck Tape is like the Force - it has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the Universe together.
* Other fauna are available.
"PTFE - Plastic Tape For Engineers."
AKA Plastic Tape Fixes Everything
"... a perky girl with ruby slippers skipping along with a dog and three freaks who look like they work in the advertising department."
Not quite. The perky girl and her dog are from Security - who are putting on their bi-weekly charm-offensive. The tin man with the axe is from HR looking to reduce headcount in his own heartless way. The straw man is a consultant brought in by the CEO, to boost his own views and position. The cowardly lion is from the legal department, ready to roar loudly at any member of the public he believes is infringing the company's IP, while playing the victim when a court tells him to stop being silly.
The important thing is to pay close attention to the man behind the curtain...
While I agree that private drones are "fair game" in these circumstances, it appears that some emergency services are using similar drones in trials to get a better overall view of the incident.
Presumably there will need to be some way of differentiating between these "legitimate" drones and the private ones, so that some
trigger happy bozo well meaning individual does not target them.
"Never mind air-gapped internally, why are any incoming connections accepted at all?"
But, citizen, you forget that it is essential that the agents of security can remotely neutralise the threat from paedoterrorists and rogue ninjas who might otherwise escape them.
You should not question these design decisions, citizen - they are for your safety..
"Can you imagine what it must be like to earn a decent living1 being paid to conserve art2, by the honest toil of your own hands, using your unique craft and completed at your own pace3, for clients who will always, without exception, be overjoyed with the results4 every time?"
Speaking as someone who repairs stained glass (amongst other things) may I politely point out that you have a somewhat rosy impression of what is involved, Alistair.
It's just like fixing other things, with the added delights of using materials that will cut, burn or poison you, given the slightest opportunity.
1 "I didn't realise there would be a charge, we are a charity you know..."
2 Plus a lot of mass produced Victorian tat.
3 "Could you just move the scaffolding, I have a wedding in a couple of hours..."
4 I've heard of this...
Some of those puns are veal-ly bad...
"The UK system works quite well when someone's garden is used to build new houses. The street's house numbers may be interpolated or extended - but the post code is already in place."
Occasionally this breaks down when the developer builds flats where a commercial building used to be.
I used to live in a flat with the same postcode as the rest of the street. This was absolutely fine provided senders put "9, Whatever Buildings, Whatever Street..." as the address.
Unfortunately some firms only store the postcode and house number which they later used to recreate my postal address - as "9, Whatever Street".
The Post Office knew about this anomaly and took the appropriate action, but it lead to some interesting discussions with courier companies...
... is one thing.
Understanding what you read is something else.
Icon: "You have seen, but you have not observed".
I can't help wondering if there have been more of these "hacking" incidents where the intruder has quietly taken the data and not left any traces. Surely serious players (such as a nation state), would want to retain their access to the data for further mining when necessary.
Maybe somebody simply got careless, or some amateur blundered in and gave the game away. On the other hand, somebody may be making a very embarrassing, and public, point.
"... It's punishable by hanging or at least by careening. ..."
Is that not the process where they are dragged over on one side and then have their barnacles scraped off?
Sounds a little harsh, even by government standards...
"... should land underneath a swimming pool that has slid out of the way to reveal an underground landing pad."
I believe that part of the scheme has had to be abandoned as nobody was able to source a large enough lemon-squeezer ...
My sources tell me that a sliding, fake volcanic crater lake is now under construction.
For a moment there I thought I'd wandered into a parallel universe, with strange definitions of “helpful and friendly staff” and “great value”, that I was previously unaware of.
"Chute burst, ask questions later"
Another classic Reg sub-head - see icon
Narrator: "Time: the future. Place: a distant museum in the Twilight Zone..."
Zog: "This new exhibit came from that crashed spacecraft we found recently."
Zarg: "Any idea what it is ?"
Zog: "We think it's a drink coaster, probably for some form of Djinnan Tonnix as it came with a stick for the olive. Almost certainly a ritual object..."
"... inspired by the canopy of an English woodland ..."
The last time I checked, the typical fauna of an English woodland did not include the four-foot long Water Monitor Lizard - either in the canopy or on the ground.
A real cat would quickly overturn that device with one of those little robots, and then smash the lid off it with one of your USB Lego bricks.
You would come home to find your obese moggy sat in the middle of a debris field, chewing on one of your bluetooth coffee cups.
Does the section on transparency read: "Deny all knowledge of this treaty, except where essential for propaganda purposes"?
"The fact that Airbus are confirming the cause of the crash [...] means that the responsibility is now aimed higher up the managerial chain."
From dealings with another large company, I suspect that any blame will go up the chain until it hits a committee or two, and then dilute into a fog of collective responsibility.
Full marks though for not just blaming the pilots or some lowly technician.
Presumably if the original Ark had been larger Noah could have saved the dinosaurs as well. Sounds like a bit of not-very-intelligent design somewhere. Perhaps there had to be a compromise...
Noah: "How's it going then?"
Builder: "Well, [sharp intake of breath] we're still waiting for half the animals to be delivered and who knows where the rest of the sodding gopher wood has got to. Might have to cut it down to three decks and delete the billiard room if we're going to make the deadline. I don't know who did the design for you, but they should never have specified pitch on the inside - most of the small rodents are stuck to it. This sodding rain isn't helping either..."
"Old and dirty, fraying at the edges, in use beyond its reasonable lifetime expectation."
Is that the sign or the denizens of SW1 in general?
"May the horse be with you."
Make up the rubber into small blocks and sell it to PHBs as a way to correct their Word documents without using Tipex.
Perhaps someone spotted that the trademark "iTV" was already being used...
"... had failed to get the besieged man to give himself up despite sending him more than 100 text messages suggesting that he should do so. "
Perhaps his phone was turned off, or there's no signal in that part of town. Maybe they could have tried another means of communication (see icon).
OTOH How often do they get a chance to use the "heavy equipment" robot ?
"Where does this £10m cost supposedly come from?"
It's one of those magic numbers usually reserved for phrases, like "... with a street value of £X,000 ...", beloved by official spokespersons.
It's calculated on the basis that the ambassador used to just leave the keys in the door when he nipped out to the shops, and the police had no idea it was even an embassy, before you-know-who turned up.
"... Police did not say why the driver wasn’t charged as an accessory to the attempted robbery ..."
Presumably the driver was in tears at the time of his interview. Whether these tears were from contrition, the after effects of transporting a pepper sprayed passenger, or laughter is another matter.
"... This is not a tool that's going to be used on a daily basis for ordinary criminals ..."
Of course not. No public servant would ever dream of using this capability for something trivial, any more than it would ever be used by "ordinary criminals"...
"... by the time it gets down to the great-grandchildren, someone, somewhere along the line, will have managed to piss it away... "
I used to work for a perfect example of this. The current owner's grandfather founded the business with two like-minded friends and did moderately well, acquiring a reputation for high quality work in the process.
The next generation bought out their partners and built up the firm and workforce with careful investments in the quality, production and relevance of their products. They deservedly made a substantial amount of money in the process.
The current owner seems to be swayed by the "fad of the moment" and has invested in vanity projects, advisers and his lifestyle. The firm now has a new, bespoke HQ, has outsourced most production overseas, and the quality of its products has dropped noticeably. The factory site was recently sold off for housing.
His children think they are going to inherit a money mine and behave accordingly.
Does this mean that if I put the number ten in a circle on the back of my getaway car, I can create a slow moving knot of traffic to delay the cars chasing me?
"We do not know why Anthem refuses to cooperate"
"Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity." - Hanlon's razor
You could always raise a purchase order for some additional "enhanced cloud output storage".
Icon: Another way to enhance the output of clouds.