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* Posts by Blofeld's Cat

644 posts • joined 27 Jan 2010

Page:

Want a free Bosch steam iron? You'll have to TALK TO THE DEAD

Blofeld's Cat
Devil

Hmm...

"You'll have to TALK TO THE DEAD"

That would explain a lot about both their help desk and their sales assistant recruitment policy.

"Hello? Is there anybody there?"

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Get your MOON GEAR: Auction to feature Space Race memorabilia

Blofeld's Cat
Coat

Re: I might bid on the Apollo 11 cheese knife.

I rather fancy the "... pair of prototype trousers for early space shuttle crews ..."

"Techno-trousers, Gromit, ex-NASA, ideal for walkies"

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French firms: You want us to compile DATABASES... of our SECRET information?

Blofeld's Cat
Facepalm

Hmm...

Judging by past experience one of two things will happen:

1) This information will be duly compiled, categorised and checked by a newly created department within the firms concerned. The state will then create a corresponding bureaucracy to oversee and ensure firms are complying with the regulations.

Following this process the information will be made available to employees - in the bottom of a filing cabinet, stuck in a disused lavatory, with a sign on the door saying "Beware of the leopard".

OR

2) The requirement will be universally ignored.

13
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BEHOLD the HOLY GRAIL of TECH: The REVERSIBLE USB plug

Blofeld's Cat
Unhappy

An accident waiting to happen?

I can't help thinking that the idea of a "universal" connector performing so many different functions is an accident waiting to happen.

For example, sooner or later somebody will find a way of squirting 20 V into some device that was expecting 5 V - all it takes is one lazy (or untested) design:

Designer: "I know that the devices are supposed to negotiate this, but our device will always want 20 V so we can save money by having a 20 V only PSU."

User: "I need to charge my tablet. This plug will fit it..." >Zap<

BOFH: "I'll take a dozen"

11
1

LOHAN preps Vulture 2 for hot vinyl wrap

Blofeld's Cat

Re: cheapskates!

"... flown over on the back of a Jumbo Jet"

Assuming the Antonov 225 was unavailable...

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Every little helps: Dirty MOLE BANDITS clean out Tesco ATM from BELOW

Blofeld's Cat
Trollface

Hmm...

"... under nearby wasteland ...

I used to work round there, and unless things have radically changed recently, the "nearby wasteland" is usually called Eccles.

They managed to miss the Bridgewater Canal as well.

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GIANT FLESH-EATING DEVIL CHICKENS roamed North Dakota

Blofeld's Cat
Coat

El Pollo Diablo* ?

Curiously enough our local supermarket has cement mixers in the aisle next to the cooking implements.

It's the one draped over the 100 kg bag of sage and onion stuffing.

* "...and more slaw! ... they never give you enough slaw with these value meals."

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Actually, there is an Arapaho word for 'pliers'

Blofeld's Cat
Pint

Re: Is there an Arapaho word for this?

Clarke's third law states that "Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic."

Take brewing for example...

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Behold, the TITCHY T-REX that prowled the warm Arctic of long ago

Blofeld's Cat
Facepalm

Re: And this is filed under Security?

Well would you break into premises guarded by a polar bear lizard?

1
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Fanbois sent into FITS of RAGE by fake Steve Jobs statue competition

Blofeld's Cat
Trollface

Hmm...

"Dragan Radenovic" could be an anagram - let's see...

"A Carving Adorned" ... "I carve darn gonad" ... "A Cardigan Vendor" ... "Graved Draconian" ...

8
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Booze and bacon sarnies: A recipe for immortality?

Blofeld's Cat
Stop

10 Years from now...

"That depends", said the furtive figure at the street corner, "what exactly you are after..."

"What have you got?" said the man wearing the baseball cap.

The figure opened his tracksuit top slightly, revealing two plastic packages. "Smoked or streaky? I've got both"

At this a van screeched to a halt and the figure was wrestled to the ground. One of the armed officers searched him and held up a small packet of white powder. 'Salt', he said triumphantly.

The man in the baseball cap shook his head.

"Kids today - why can't they just stick to blue meth like everyone else?"

13
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Frenchman eyes ocean domination with floating, mobile Bond villain lair

Blofeld's Cat
WTF?

Hmm...

Hasn't El Reg already covered the Steve Jobs statue story?

3
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'Demon Killer' who tied SD card to cat pleads not guilty

Blofeld's Cat
Facepalm

Hmm...

I suspect that the cat did it and then framed him with carefully planted "evidence".

Perhaps he'll remember this incident the next time he considers buying budget cat food.

12
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ISS astronauts to grow tomatoes and rice …. IN SPAAAAACE

Blofeld's Cat
Coat

Re: BOVINES IN SPACE!!!!

You would need to provide the aforementioned bovine with a food source thereby bringing a whole new meaning to astroturf.

It's the space suit with the lasso and spurs.

4
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Eurocops want to build remote car-stopper, shared sensor network

Blofeld's Cat
Facepalm

Hmm...

I suspect that it would only be a matter of weeks before the criminal fraternity found a way to counter this technology.

Presumably the same people could clone the vehicle stopping transmitters, and generate a carriageway or two of stopped or slowing vehicles to assist their getaway.

That would make a good plot for a film - something with red, white and blue Minis comes to mind.

13
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Boffins build electronic tongue that can distinguish between BEERS

Blofeld's Cat
Pint

Re: Spanish beer culture

I'd always assumed the SPB was based in Spain for weather reasons...

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Blofeld's Cat
Terminator

Uh oh...

"... capable of telling the difference between six different styles of [beer] with over 80 per cent accuracy."

That's disturbing as most of the "humans" around here are unable to do that.

Well not for the entire evening anyway.

4
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Man sues NASA: Mystery Mars rock is a UFO – an unidentified 'FUNGUS' object

Blofeld's Cat
Black Helicopters

Re: Backfiring Logic

[Looks around furtively] I was told that the tinfoil manufacturers are conspiring with the powers that be, to leave flaws in their product so signals can still get through. Probably nonsense but...

+++ no carrier

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Ancient carving of 'first human-built holy place' = Primitive Vulture Central

Blofeld's Cat
Paris Hilton

Hmm...

The left-hand vulture seems to be associated with a balloon shaped object immediately beneath what appears to be some sort of truss-girder arrangement. This structure is in turn supporting some sort of arrow shaped, winged object at the far right.

Er ...

3
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Devs write 'film my shag' sex app for Google Glass

Blofeld's Cat
WTF?

Hmm...

Him: "OK ... Insert dowel (A) into hole (B) and secure with a screw (W) ... er ..."

Her: "What?"

Him: "No, wait ... that's Karja Soota an Ikea wardrobe ... I'll try the search again ..."

5
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Almost everyone read the Verizon v FCC net neutrality verdict WRONG

Blofeld's Cat
Thumb Up

That's why I come here...

An excellent, detailed analysis putting the court's decision into its historical context

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Mexican drink-driver shopped to cops - by his own gobby parakeet

Blofeld's Cat

Hmm...

When I was a kid the local pet shop had a parrot just inside the entrance. People would walk up to it and say things like "Pretty Polly". The bird would listen for a while and then cock its head to one side saying:

"Bugger off! Birds can't talk."

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Google Glass driver told she CAN wear techno-specs while on the road

Blofeld's Cat
Facepalm

Spy in the cab...

"... beat the speeding ticket he gave her for driving at 85 miles per hour in her Prius because of lack of evidence."

If only there had been some sort of device in the car that could have recorded what she was doing at the time.

Er, hang on ...

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Furtive ebook readers push Hitler's Mein Kampf up the charts

Blofeld's Cat

Not forgetting...

Any Harry Potter book with the adult binding.

1
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NHS carelessly slings out care.data plans to 26.5 million Brits

Blofeld's Cat
Unhappy

Re: GP's Opening Hours

"When am I supposed to find time to have this chat with my GP. His opening hours clash with my work hours"

Well you could learn to play golf...

4
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Bitcoin blasts past $1,000 AGAIN after Zynga accepts cryptocurrency

Blofeld's Cat
Coat

Good news everyone...

I've just heard that the Emperor is going to pay for his new clothes in Bitcoins.

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Justice Ministry to spaff £70k finding out how prisoners like to use ILLEGAL mobes

Blofeld's Cat
Facepalm

Top of the world Ma...

I would have though a few cheap femtocells and some recording equipment would have answered that question in short order - as well as detecting the illegal phones.

What's the betting the survey says that the phones are only ever used for checking on family welfare.

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Private space truck ready for ISS trip as soon as NEXT WEEK

Blofeld's Cat
Coat

Hmm...

May I suggest that the boffin in the second picture has written on his clipboard:

"1 (one) ACME rocket sled ATK Castor 30 - ship to Wile E Coyote, ...".

It has the anvil and bird seed in one pocket.

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Joke no more: Comedy virty currency Dogecoin gets real in big Xmas heist

Blofeld's Cat

Re: Hmm... (A.C. 11:38)

"...he just gave her another £1 note in return..."

Yes, for many years now asking for your "pounds" has resulted in you being given another note of the same denomination - and a well-we-haven't-heard-that-one-before smile from the cashier.

Gold sovereigns are still produced by the Royal Mint, but a 2014 one will cost you 450 quid.

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Blofeld's Cat

Hmm...

English banknotes carry the inscription "I promise to pay the bearer on demand the sum of ... pounds", and at one time if you took a fiver into Bank of England they would give you five gold sovereigns in place of it.

Perhaps these virtual currencies could be backed by some sort of virtual metal...

Hang on a minute - who's had my El Reg Silver badge?

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2

Brilliant Brit bloke builds breakfast-belching BACON DRONE

Blofeld's Cat
Go

Excellent...

Perhaps now that the technology has been successfully demonstrated, funding will be made available to add the missing components of a true "Full English", such as the black pudding (or bubble), second cup of tea, and endless supply of toast.

I was also concerned that this technology might fall into the hands of the "Continental" faction, but I now realise that air-launched croissants would almost certainly boomerang back to their point of origin.

1
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Oz couple get jiggy in pharmacy in 'banned' condom ad

Blofeld's Cat
Flame

Bleaugh...

Sir,

I must object to the idea, expressed in your article, that anyone would wish to "... make buying condoms like buying a pair of shoes ...".

The memsahib already has countless pairs of shoes lying unused in her wardrobe waiting for a "suitable occasion", and I can only assume she would apply the same logic to the condoms.

I remain Sir,

Colonel Buckfast-Guzzler (retired)

8
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Blighty could put a (WO)MAN on MARS by 2040, says sci minister

Blofeld's Cat

Re: What the UK can bring to the table.

"We have a pretty impressive set of people who would improve the planet. By leaving it."

So what we need then is a set of three spaceships, let's call them the 'A', 'B' and 'C' Arks...

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OMG, Andrex KILLED the PUPPY! Not quilty, exclaim bog roll boys

Blofeld's Cat
Holmes

Re: Just wondering

Sir Thomas Urquhart recommended in 1653 "the neck of a goose, that is well downed".

Safety hint: If you are planning to use the neck of either a goose or a swan, it is essential to remove it from the bird first.

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Googlers devise DeViSE: A thing-recognising FRANKENBRAIN

Blofeld's Cat
Coat

Hmm...

Am I alone in feeling uneasy that the researchers are training it to recognise sharks?

It's the red-lined cape with the top hat containing a frikin laser.

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Customs cops shutter 700+ domains in global anti-piracy blitz

Blofeld's Cat

Hmm...

I notice that, purely by coincidence, this has happened just before the last-minute Christmas rush.

3
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Drone expert: Amazon's hypetastic delivery scheme a pie in the sky

Blofeld's Cat
Coat

Beacon...

"He suggests consumers could set up a landing pad-cum-beacon in their back gardens to help guide the drones into place.

There would have to be some way of getting such a beacon to the customer - perhaps they could mail it or use a courier.

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How your data loss prevention plan is killing your business

Blofeld's Cat

Hmm...

Perhaps the first question that should be asked is: "Do we need to store this data at all?

0
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Tiny, invisible EXTRATERRESTRIAL INVADERS appear at South Pole

Blofeld's Cat
Coat

Hmm...

For some reason I thought of a "small dog" when reading that headline...

It's the slightly muddy dressing gown with the towel in a pocket.

2
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Space tourist Dennis Tito begs US to BANKROLL HIS manned Mars flyby

Blofeld's Cat
Happy

Re: 501 days of fun..

Minnie: "I spy with my little eye something beginning with 's'."

Henry: "Space"

Minnie: "No"

Henry: "Space"

Minnie: "Yes. OK, it's your turn now."

Henry: "Hold on, Min, I have to go and top up the radiation shield."

6
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PlayStation 4 BLUE LIGHT OF DEATH blamed on power cords, TV sets, butterflies in China

Blofeld's Cat
Coat

Hmm...

If your console has a flashing blue light and is also making a strange whooshing noise, then you may have been sent a TARDIS by mistake.

The replacement unit will arrive yesterday.

16
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The right time to drink coffee

Blofeld's Cat
Devil

A religion, not a drink...

Coffee seems to be taken far too seriously by some people around our hollowed-out volcano, and believe me, when to drink it is just a side issue.

The heated debate about how long to grind coffee beans was finally settled by a colleague who immersed the aforementioned beans in liquid nitrogen and then smashed them with a hammer. This produced a very satisfactory drink and reminded all present that she had access to liquid nitrogen - and hammers.

The icon? Well somebody once brought in a bottle of "Camp coffee"...

3
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Build your own WORKING Sonic Screwdriver... for a UNDER A FIVER

Blofeld's Cat
Boffin

Greed LED

I believe it's a term from the financial services world* - as in the expressions: "green is good" and "banking reforms given a green light".

* A parallel universe version of Earth.

3
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Coroner suggests cars should block mobile phones

Blofeld's Cat
Terminator

Hmm...

Once again we have somebody proposing a technological fix for a human problem.

3
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Starboard Storage goes titsup: LeftHanders to leave the building

Blofeld's Cat
Pirate

Any red port left?

Perhaps somebody should have warned them that if a ship's starboard light appears to be on your left hand side, the ship is heading straight towards you. This is one occasion when "getting a green light" is not always a good thing.

1
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Brit bloke busted over backdoor blagging of US troops' data

Blofeld's Cat
Black Helicopters

Hmm...

"... the alleged hacking of thousands of computer systems in the US and other countries ... inserted backdoors into compromised networks to allow them to return at a later date to steal confidential data from those hacked systems... "

Oh dear. He will probably get the book thrown at him - for impersonating a member of the security services.

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US.gov - including NASA et al - quits internet. Is the UN running it now?

Blofeld's Cat
Big Brother

Hmm...

This will probably be a short lived event, but it could still lead to the people responsible being asked awkward questions.

Questions such as: "What is it you actually do all day?" and "Do we really need to employ you?"

The B Ark is now ready for boarding..

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NASA finds use for 3D printers: Launch them into SPAAACE

Blofeld's Cat
Go

Hmm...

Does this mean that the Playmonaut now has access to "transporter" technology?

1
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Google's robot army learns Spanish

Blofeld's Cat
Facepalm

Re: Can it handle a poor starting material

"Idioms and dialects can defeat ANY translator..."

I was once at a conference in Germany where a particularly long-winded was speaker expressing himself.

The simultaneous English translation went silent about half way through, and just as I thought it had broken, the translator came back on sounding somewhat exasperated.

"For god's sake man - get to the verb!"

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