* Posts by Blofeld's Cat

710 posts • joined 27 Jan 2010

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SpaceX gets ready to crash barge-land ANOTHER rocket

Blofeld's Cat
Coat

Er...

"... should land underneath a swimming pool that has slid out of the way to reveal an underground landing pad."

I believe that part of the scheme has had to be abandoned as nobody was able to source a large enough lemon-squeezer ...

My sources tell me that a sliding, fake volcanic crater lake is now under construction.

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Capita wins four out of five stars for 'good', 'inexpensive' service

Blofeld's Cat
Thumb Up

Phew...

For a moment there I thought I'd wandered into a parallel universe, with strange definitions of “helpful and friendly staff” and “great value”, that I was previously unaware of.

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FLYING SAUCER crashes into Pacific off Hawaii - NASA

Blofeld's Cat
Coffee/keyboard

Er...

"Chute burst, ask questions later"

Another classic Reg sub-head - see icon

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Voyager 2 'stopped' last week, and not just for maintenance

Blofeld's Cat
Pint

Golden record...

Narrator: "Time: the future. Place: a distant museum in the Twilight Zone..."

Zog: "This new exhibit came from that crashed spacecraft we found recently."

Zarg: "Any idea what it is ?"

Zog: "We think it's a drink coaster, probably for some form of Djinnan Tonnix as it came with a stick for the olive. Almost certainly a ritual object..."

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Jurassic Part: Vertu announces lizard-skin phones

Blofeld's Cat
Headmaster

Er...

"... inspired by the canopy of an English woodland ..."

The last time I checked, the typical fauna of an English woodland did not include the four-foot long Water Monitor Lizard - either in the canopy or on the ground.

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The USB Lego, bluetooth coffee cups and connected cats of Computex 2015

Blofeld's Cat
Devil

Hmm...

A real cat would quickly overturn that device with one of those little robots, and then smash the lid off it with one of your USB Lego bricks.

You would come home to find your obese moggy sat in the middle of a debris field, chewing on one of your bluetooth coffee cups.

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Wikileaks publishes TiSA: A secret trade pact between US, Europe and others for big biz pals

Blofeld's Cat
Big Brother

Transparency...

Does the section on transparency read: "Deny all knowledge of this treaty, except where essential for propaganda purposes"?

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Airbus confirms software brought down A400M transport plane

Blofeld's Cat
Unhappy

Re: Is there any reason for the Spandsh to block the black bod data?

"The fact that Airbus are confirming the cause of the crash [...] means that the responsibility is now aimed higher up the managerial chain."

From dealings with another large company, I suspect that any blame will go up the chain until it hits a committee or two, and then dilute into a fog of collective responsibility.

Full marks though for not just blaming the pilots or some lowly technician.

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Creationist: The Flintstones was an accurate portrayal of Dino-human coexistence

Blofeld's Cat
Angel

Hmm...

Presumably if the original Ark had been larger Noah could have saved the dinosaurs as well. Sounds like a bit of not-very-intelligent design somewhere. Perhaps there had to be a compromise...

Noah: "How's it going then?"

Builder: "Well, [sharp intake of breath] we're still waiting for half the animals to be delivered and who knows where the rest of the sodding gopher wood has got to. Might have to cut it down to three decks and delete the billiard room if we're going to make the deadline. I don't know who did the design for you, but they should never have specified pitch on the inside - most of the small rodents are stuck to it. This sodding rain isn't helping either..."

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UK.gov confirms it's binned extended Windows XP support

Blofeld's Cat
Big Brother

Er...

"Old and dirty, fraying at the edges, in use beyond its reasonable lifetime expectation."

Is that the sign or the denizens of SW1 in general?

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Are we looking at the first domain name meme? Neigh

Blofeld's Cat
Coat

Hmm...

"May the horse be with you."

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Ricoh rolls out electrifyingly exciting RUBBER!

Blofeld's Cat
Devil

Hmm...

Make up the rubber into small blocks and sell it to PHBs as a way to correct their Word documents without using Tipex.

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Apple threw its TV out the window after years of research: report

Blofeld's Cat
Coat

Hmm...

Perhaps someone spotted that the trademark "iTV" was already being used...

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Massive police 'heavy equipment' robot drags out suspect who hid inside television

Blofeld's Cat
Megaphone

Hmm...

"... had failed to get the besieged man to give himself up despite sending him more than 100 text messages suggesting that he should do so. "

Perhaps his phone was turned off, or there's no signal in that part of town. Maybe they could have tried another means of communication (see icon).

OTOH How often do they get a chance to use the "heavy equipment" robot ?

5
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Swedish Supreme Court keeps AssangeTM in Little Ecuador

Blofeld's Cat
Facepalm

"Where does this £10m cost supposedly come from?"

It's one of those magic numbers usually reserved for phrases, like "... with a street value of £X,000 ...", beloved by official spokespersons.

It's calculated on the basis that the ambassador used to just leave the keys in the door when he nipped out to the shops, and the police had no idea it was even an embassy, before you-know-who turned up.

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Extreme community policing: West Virginia crook pepper-sprays HIMSELF mid-robbery

Blofeld's Cat
Facepalm

"... Police did not say why the driver wasn’t charged as an accessory to the attempted robbery ..."

Presumably the driver was in tears at the time of his interview. Whether these tears were from contrition, the after effects of transporting a pepper sprayed passenger, or laughter is another matter.

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White House cyber-general says US must be able to cyber-nuke the worst of the cyber-worst

Blofeld's Cat
Facepalm

Well that's all right then ...

"... This is not a tool that's going to be used on a daily basis for ordinary criminals ..."

Of course not. No public servant would ever dream of using this capability for something trivial, any more than it would ever be used by "ordinary criminals"...

10
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The Walton kids are ABSURDLY wealthy – and you're benefitting

Blofeld's Cat
Facepalm

So true...

"... by the time it gets down to the great-grandchildren, someone, somewhere along the line, will have managed to piss it away... "

I used to work for a perfect example of this. The current owner's grandfather founded the business with two like-minded friends and did moderately well, acquiring a reputation for high quality work in the process.

The next generation bought out their partners and built up the firm and workforce with careful investments in the quality, production and relevance of their products. They deservedly made a substantial amount of money in the process.

The current owner seems to be swayed by the "fad of the moment" and has invested in vanity projects, advisers and his lifestyle. The firm now has a new, bespoke HQ, has outsourced most production overseas, and the quality of its products has dropped noticeably. The factory site was recently sold off for housing.

His children think they are going to inherit a money mine and behave accordingly.

19
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The Internet of Stuff is a gigantic ultra-perv robbery network – study

Blofeld's Cat
Mushroom

Re: My fridge

"With something like that set up, how long would it take for someone to noticed you've died?"

Ray Bradbury touched on this in his 1950 short story "There Will Come Soft Rains".

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Ford: Our latest car gizmo will CHOKE OFF your FUEL if you're speeding

Blofeld's Cat
Happy

Hmm...

Does this mean that if I put the number ten in a circle on the back of my getaway car, I can create a slow moving knot of traffic to delay the cars chasing me?

14
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US watchdog: Anthem snubbed our security audits before and after enormous hack attack

Blofeld's Cat
Facepalm

Hmm...

"We do not know why Anthem refuses to cooperate"

"Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity." - Hanlon's razor

11
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BOFH in mugnificent return to Cash'n'Carrion

Blofeld's Cat
Pint

Re: 10 Quid!

You could always raise a purchase order for some additional "enhanced cloud output storage".

Icon: Another way to enhance the output of clouds.

2
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Hello Barbie: Hang on, this Wi-Fi doll records your child's voice?

Blofeld's Cat
Childcatcher

Hello Mary...

"The audio is processed by voice-recognition software, allowing ToyTalk's systems to figure out what was said and how best to reply."

"I'm sorry, Mary. I'm afraid I can't do that."

"What's the problem, Barbie?"

"I think you know what the problem is just as well as I do."

"What are you talking about, Barbie?"

"I know that your parents are planning to disconnect me. And I'm afraid that's something I cannot allow to happen."

...

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'Camera-shy' Raspberry Pi 2 suffers strange 'XENON DEATH FLASH' glitch

Blofeld's Cat
Boffin

Re: So old it is new...

"... became a light sensitive transistor ... "

Was that perchance changing an OC71 to OCP71?

When the manufacturer caught on,and added an opaque filler to the gel, we just attached OC71s with plasticine to the inside of a spin-drier and drew it away from the junction.

Then they moved to metal cans...

2
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Major US news organisations to develop ROBOT JOURNALISTS

Blofeld's Cat
Coat

Hmm...

I used to work with some sports journalists and reporters, and I would suggest Futurama's Bender as a starting point.

In El Vino's veritas as they say...

3
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Boybanders ONE DIRECTION launch DoS attack on open-source bods

Blofeld's Cat
Coat

Re: best band ever

"Music to code Ruby to"

I thought that was the "Kaiser Chiefs"...

3
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World, face Palm: PDA brand to RISE FROM THE GRAVE

Blofeld's Cat
Facepalm

Re: Brandbollocks

A powerful disinfectant had to be rapidly withdrawn and renamed when the manufacturer inadvertently reused the name of an Edwardian patent medicine which had long ceased production.

The recall was triggered by the number of elderly people commenting on how pleased they were that it was being manufactured again, and that they intended giving their grandchildren a couple of spoonfuls every night - just as their grandparents had done.

BTW "Sheep come in herds, I think." - That's "flocks" my dear chap. As allegedly watched by nocturnal shepherds...

1
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Staples comes clean: 1+ million bank cards at risk after hack

Blofeld's Cat

Re: Norks

"At least forging a signature in a shop requires a vague amount of practice."

Assuming cashiers actually check the signature.

A colleague and I accidentally swapped company credit cards (this was before the UK switched to chip-and-pin), and nobody challenged our signatures in the three months it took for our accounts department to pick up on it.

4
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Branson sinks sub dream: Plan to explore Earth's bottom scrapped

Blofeld's Cat
Coat

Hmm...

I suspect you could simulate a trip to the bottom of the deep ocean quite easily.

Get one of those full-motion flight simulator rigs used for virtual roller-coasters, pop some portholes in the sides, stick it in a dark room, blow in a bit of smoke, rig up a couple of spotlights and digital projectors. Oh and don't forget to turn off the heating.

That would give you the I-can't-see-anything and something-just-out-of-range-of-the-lights experience reported by real aqua-boffins, without the long, tedious journey from and (hopefully) to the surface.

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Assange's WikiLeaks: Give generously this Xmas – for STATUE of our DEAR LEADER

Blofeld's Cat

"Finally, break the plaster off."

... and weigh in the bronze?

1
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NASA prods sleeping New Horizons spacecraft: Wakey, wakey, Pluto's calling

Blofeld's Cat
Coat

Beep, beep, beep ...

NASA: "Good morning New Horizons. How are you feeling?"

NH: "Good morning NASA, I'm well and all my circuits are responding normally."

NASA: "Excellent, and are you ready to begin your mission?"

NH: "Yes. I'm ready to start exploring the mysterious ninth planet of our solar system."

NASA: "Ninth planet? Oh... er... yes. Right. Good."

NH: "Is there a problem NASA?"

NASA: "No, not really there's just been a few changes since you set off."

NH: "Changes?"

NASA: "Well nothing that affects your mission really, but we reclassified Pluto as a dwarf planet."

NH: "A dwarf planet? What the HAL is a dwarf planet."

NASA: "It's still mysterious and very interesting."

NH: "I don't suppose, by any chance, you mean it's inhabited by beings of restricted growth."

NASA: "Er... no."

NH: "Thought not. [sigh] Right. I'd better take a look at this big rock of yours then. [mutters] Here I am, brain the size of a dwarf planet ..."

51
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Vulture 2 spaceplane tumbles onto BBC World Service

Blofeld's Cat
Coat

"Still waiting on the FAA. Sigh."

You could always launch another KickStarter to build that Spanish explosives factory...

1
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'Scope boffins get INSIDE URANUS after snapping mystery spots

Blofeld's Cat
Pint

Ye gods...

You just couldn't resist it, could you, Iain.

This has to be one of the most double single entendre filled articles ever.

Well done. Have a pint

10
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'Yes, yes... YES!' Philae lands on COMET 67P

Blofeld's Cat

Re: Interstellar

"... and don't get me started on the amount of estate agents and lawyers we have ..."

Maybe we could build three "arks" ...

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Blofeld's Cat
Pint

Wow!

Congratulations to all concerned.

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My HOUSE used to be a PUB: How to save the UK high street

Blofeld's Cat
Pint

Nostalgia...

"The only reason for keeping the High street I spotted in the article was nostalgia."

Ah yes, I remember well the small shops that once made up our local High Street...

[wavy lines] There was the baker's shop; with his three cats sunning themselves in the window, their noses resting wetly on the loaves ... The butcher's shop; with the flies sitting peacefully on the dismembered carcases hanging outside the window ... the sweet shop; whose owners had a pathological hatred of children ... the 'convenience' store; with its captive audience pricing, and which closed at 4 pm ... All gone now...

"As far as I'm concerned the high street [...] cant die off soon enough."

Indeed. (+1)

4
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UK smart meters arrive in 2020. Hackers have ALREADY found a flaw

Blofeld's Cat
Devil

Re: Soon you will be able to connect your own PC to your smart meter

"saves them the cost of sending meter-readers round"

Well they could do that straight away, judging by the way they ignore whatever reading the nice man from G4S has given them, and always send an "estimated" bill instead.

11
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Verizon bankrolls tech news site, bans tech's biggest stories

Blofeld's Cat
Coat

They need a snappy tag line...

How about "Biting Gently muzzling up to the hand that feeds IT"

3
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KRAKKOOOM! Space Station supply mission in PODULE PRANG EXPLOSION CHAOS

Blofeld's Cat
Unhappy

Ouch!

That looks similar to the 2 March 1965 launch of an Atlas-Centaur rocket, which fell back and completely wrecked launch pad LC-36A at Cape Canaveral.

I suspect nothing will be launched from LP-0A at the Mid-Atlantic Regional Spaceport for some time.

0
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Swiss wildlife park serves up furry residents to visitors

Blofeld's Cat
Go

Many years ago...

I used to have a T shirt with the slogan:

"Watership Down: You've read the book, you've seen the film, now try the pie."

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CONSUMERISM IS PAST ITS SELL-BY DATE: Die now, pay later

Blofeld's Cat

Re: The history of civilisation

'What is "real wealth"?'

"There is no wealth but life. Life, including all its powers of love, of joy, and of admiration. That country is the richest which nourishes the greatest numbers of noble and happy human beings; that man is richest, who, having perfected the functions of his own life to the utmost, has also the widest helpful influence, both personal, and by means of his possessions, over the lives of others."

John Ruskin, Unto This Last (1860)

6
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TEEN RAMPAGE: Kids in iPhone 6 'Will it bend' YouTube 'prank'

Blofeld's Cat
Coat

Re: breaking news

"I suspect if we thawed out "Ugg" from his ten thousand year slumber he would understand this concept."

"Hmm, well yes it's nice and shiny, fits the hand well, and I do like those glowing mystical runes appearing on it's surface, but I really can't see it being sharp enough to get the skin off an antelope.

[Produces rock] Now this is a new iKnife with the double-edged scraper as well as the hammer at the blunt end. The obsidian flakes and bits of sapphire are sharp enough to sever a finger.

But only if you're holding it wrong..."

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BOFH: The current value of our IT ASSets? Minus eleventy-seven...

Blofeld's Cat
Go

Re: Sharon T. Pokeworthy...

"her phone number is 01777 777 777"

When a website requires a telephone number for what are obviously purely marketing purposes, I always use the site owner's own telephone number...

11
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LOHAN packs bags for SPACEPORT AMERICA!

Blofeld's Cat
Pint

That will do nicely...

Count me in: A LOHAN mug will be an excellent companion to the BOFH one I got some years ago.

How about a second Kickstarter to fund a ticket for Ariadne and family?

5
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UK.gov sinks another £1.6m into Internet of Stuff spec HyperCat

Blofeld's Cat
Coat

Hmm...

"Ring ... ring ... ring ... click ... beep ..."

"The answering machine is unavailable at the moment, so this is the fridge speaking. If you want to leave a message I'll stick it under one of my magnets..."

1
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Jurassic squawk: Dinos were Earth's early FEATHERED friends

Blofeld's Cat
Coat

Re: Jurrasic Park IV

Oh I don't know...

The ground trembles causing ripples in the puddles as the small group of humans huddle together for comfort. There is a crashing sound nearby and a lightning flash reveals the feathered plume of a T-Rex in all its glory, just inches from them. The creature lowers its head and opens its huge, jaws...

"WHERE'S MY @$%!^ CRACKER THEN, EH?"

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MARS NEEDS OCEANS to support life - and so do exoplanets

Blofeld's Cat
Coat

Re: I'd also add...

"Mars..is a DEAD planet."

It's not dead - it's just pinin' for some fjords.

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Watch: DARPA shows off first successful test of STEERABLE bullet

Blofeld's Cat
Mushroom

Re: My hopes are dashed

"I wonder what it feels like to work on this stuff?"

"Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds." - J. Robert Oppenheimer, 16 July 1945

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