Phone and bedrooms do not mix - like the time I accidentally called my mum while I was in bed with someone.

This is a really crap forum comment

But you are not allowed to downvote me for it for 15 years - mahahahaha

This is the whole reason print media still isint dead

...Those classified ads in the back pages for 'massage' and 'executive relief'! We can't have smart phone apps coming along and stealing the very lifeblood of local newspapers can we!

I played programming Bingo once

It was very confusing - two fat ladies 88, yeah I understand that - but it got very confusing when the bloke plucking the balls out shouted - two fat fucks - FF! - programming Bingo uses hexadecimal in turns out!

The greasiness of birds native to Surrey

I've actually once seen, and again once heard, bird on glass bonking action myself!

First one was seagull vs seafront sash window - the bird ended up dead in the light-well. The second one was an unidentified bird on a window in an unoccupied room. Judging by the huge smear of grease it left behind, I suspect it was a dirty pigeon as I am led to believe pigeons are greasy birds - do we have any Bill Oddieians here who can confirm the greasiness of birds native to Surrey?

Ban UK users from using it then

It will have an upside in that the internet will no longer be polluted by Stephen Fry's textual raw sewage.

I saw 'meth'

and was expecting a bee version of Breaking Bad - I'm now left thoroughly disappointed!

Icon is of course a meth lab exploding like at the end of season four.

intelligent walls

What is one of those?

I have these bits of wall in my house that are quite clever, they are like normal walls but they give you the option of seeing through them, due to them being made from a transparent material. They are also quite smart in that they give you the option of 'opening' them, thus turning them into a wall that is temporarily non-wall like. Quite handy for letting in fresh air I find! And if none of this functionality takes your fancy, simply close it again, and use a special accessory called a curtain to cover the see through area. And there you have it! It becomes a plain old wall once again!

Oh yeah, they're called Windows! So Apple wants us to use their voice tech to control Windows does it!

"We will feed you beer, hug/high-five you up and down (pick your poison), give you merch and thank you mightily for adding to the big noise we are planning to make,"

Beer, hugs and big noises? What is that, an invitation to an orgy or something?

I live in Surrey but am originally from Berkshire - does that make me a unicorn too?

True story

I know someone who as part of his work, was acting on behalf of a client who was a former employee of that council. Anyway, this person I know needed some info on his clients pension, so he called up the council to enquire - they told him to go look in the bins round the back of ASDA and if he couldn't find it there, try the bins outside Lidl!

I have the soultion to this

Just ignore the trolls.

You should ignore what I just said I was trolling.

pop-up MS xmas shop

So are they going to be selling Windows 8 branded tinsel, XBox ball-balls and Office themed novelty light-up father Christmas ornaments?

I've been waiting for this.

"Not true at all" hahahaha, I'm going to need to start wearing Attends pads if you make me laugh any more than this!

OMG el Reg, you are like so totally liars and stuff, cos the Menshster says you are cos they've got SSL and encryption and they know how to google stuff and everything!

Oh man, reading that is making me want to throw up, seriously, that is totally gross!

I feel sorry for anyone who's in prison, school or eats fast food in fifteen years time. I would say go veggie but they'll probably be printing out carrots by then too at this rate!

Bloody nora!

I just went out, and across the street from the pet shop were a load of Trading Standards Puppy Swat team officers about to do an armed raid!

As I neared the said pet shop, I heard the commanding officer on his radio say "okay guv, were going in, over" and with that - the whole team, all 20 or 30 of them, with riot shields, semi automatic weapons, and small dog cages stormed the tiny animal filled shop unit!

As the officer leading the charge smashed the door down using a battering ram, he shouted through his megaphone "By the power invested in me by RIPA, I am conducting a test purchase of a small puppy on behalf of your local Trading Standards department!". The shop then quickly became filled with thick clouds of tear gas that, along with the terrifying screams and barks of human shop staff and live canine shop produce, spewed out into the midday street!

I thought it was slightly heavy handed to be honest!

GPO 2.0

Booze if you ask me, is the most dangerous drug in use in this country - the sheer numbers of deaths, assaults, broken homes, abuse, fucked up lives it plays a part in is why I hold this view. Along with first hand experience of what I call "drunk twats" who have done a good job of ruining parts of my life - thanks dad!1

However - I am not someone who wants it banned, blames it for all social evils, wants minimum pricing, or any of that bollocks. I also do like a nice pint or glass of wine, and heck, even occasionally have been known to get sloshed.

I want a sensible approach taken to dealing with problem drinkers, the question of booze advertising, health costs - not yet more ill informed legislation. WTF is up with drink, drug and health policy in this country (well most countries)?

Do something to stop people like my dad killing themselves with drink - upping the price aint guna matter - just means more kids go without food like I did so their alky parents can get their fix!

I don't know what the answer is though - maybe its to kill all politictards with alcohol poisoning.

Nitnetndo and Sony...

Make phones with D-pads, shoulder buttons and analogue sticks...

And do a cheap one for young kids too, as I don't think you're average 7 year old is going to be signing up to a bloody two year contract just so he can play Pokémon or whatever shit they like these days!

Le Reg foreign desk,

That'll be google translate then?

I've met one the scientists involved in this...

I shook his hand and it was all sticky for some reason!

I can't wait until I can go to my GP and get an annual injection of Norton Internet Security for Human Brains! That'll be fun - especially the chronic upgrade reminder cluster headaches ten month's later!