1678 posts • joined 11 Dec 2009
Re: The ads don't work
Sorry, but the title of your post reminded me of a song...
"The ads don't work,
They just make you worst,
And I know I'll see your face again" hahaha
Joking aside, how long will it be till these advertising dudes come up with vocal changing "solutions" to change the lyrics of well known songs in real time in order to flog us sugar water and other crap?
Re: They forgot to mention that "Highlights in the History of Concrete"
I would like to "reinforce" the above statement!
I did wonder why there was scaffolding outside with a big sign on it saying...
Napalm Death Demolition LTD.
Re: Effectively another "cloud" failure.
I agree. Ebay or Amazon or anything similar for that matter, should be treated as a "bit on the side" business opportunity. It's too much of a risk to rely upon some huge mega cloud corporation for your humble business selling second-hand china tea cups with Beatrix Potter animals painted on them! The days when ebay was the saviour of small mail order businesses are long gone if you ask me, Now its all about squeezing as much from sellers as possible and if it goes on the wonk for a bit - fuck ya!
Re: Local Heroes
It was indeed, but that dude had some dodgy taste in Lycra!
This is a good idea by El Reg - maybe you could develop the idea further into a best-selling travel guide - something like - "Reg Round Blighty - by J. R. Paris"
Make and model lol
"The British company and the PSF locked horns"
Don't you mean - "They tried to squeeze the shit out of each other"!
Re: Oh! —you mean *actual* tadpoles
Me too! I was expecting this story to have been filed under "Fertility" but then again El Reg doesn't have a section for bun in the oven tech does it! I should have known!
oops edited 'cos I cant spell "Fertility"
Crapline.com eh? Not so much a social network more of a rival to Direct Line insurance or maybe Greenline coaches - I could imagine Crapline would do a roaring trade on the busy Bracknell-Slough-Heathrow-London route!
Back on topic - shitter.sh/it could work marketing wise as the homepage. It's poetic too as its a shit with a slash midway through!
Go for it I say! I promise to sign up and spread the shit amoung my friends and family! I think you're on to a winner here! Looking forward to being one of your first "shitizens"!
Re: I'm gonna start up my own social network
Now that's the social network for me!
I suggest a brown colour scheme and the logo should be a cartoon turd. Instead of "tweets" you could have "farts" and instead of the so called "fire hose" you should have the "Shitter sewer overflow".
If they do sue and you don't have the money to fight it - negotiate with them to buy you out - they could merge the two services together and create "Bird Shit" - the social network that drops 160 character messages directly on your head from the cloud!
send messages that don't have specific recipients
Junkmail in other words!
Re: Beer, because at 1p off, why not?
You forgot "Soggy Shoe Syndrome" caused of course by accidentally pissing all over your feet while intoxicated!
Re: Don't forget the beer.
I just heard on the news that 1p off the pint might be illegal under EU rules as it discriminates against the wine industry!
I think the other old adage about not being able to organise certain things in a brewery is actually true!
Mines the one with 1p at the bottom of the glass that I nearly choked on!
Roman goddess of physical health or door hinges
Sorry to go off topic but I just wanted to say, I worship her often. The ceremony involves copious amounts of 3-in-one oil!
Those google signs LMAO
I don't know why but they are just inherently funny! They remind me a little of those little balloon shaped markers you get on google maps! Maybe somewhere in the crowd there's a little orange chappy who's job is something to do with streetview?
He's actually doing a dot to dot. I'm not very good at ASCII Art but it's sort of this shape: 8== - - - -
I have watched Red Dwarf of course...
...but I have only ever watched the last three minuets of Hollyoaks - I'm sure other fans of Channel Four News will know the feeling!
Paris because I'm pretty sure she is an extra in Hollyoaks!
totally off topic this but funny!
I'd nominate whoever invented the shop doorway and the late-night kebab shop! Both essential public infrastructure if you ask me!
If only someone would create a vomit repellent road surface we'd almost be civilised! Still some work to be done here, so very important we start cranking out more boffins in this country so that such essential inventions can be created before we lose all relevance on the global engineering stage!
To rude did not read
"Shrink their semis" - my first thought was a small building divided into two houses and my second thought... well lets just say, trust the Register to deliver tech news with knobs on!
In my expeirnce, most dudes from 'merica working in IT/computing who find themselves doing a bit of business over here will be spending most of their time in one of three places only - the office, a dull backstreet aparthotel, and airport terminals.
Or at least the ones who end up in the Reading area do!
Re: All Bets Are Now Off
Looks like we got ourselves a couple of jokers here!
Re: Square Syndrome
At least she insist suffering from "pyramid syndrome" any more these days! I recall she was badly afflicted by this on certain parts of her body back in the mid-late 90s!
Re: Don't be evil unless there's money to be made by being evil
I wonder if instead of the ol' cost benefit analysis, Google do evilness benefit analysis instead? They must do really when you think about it!
I can imagine big projectors showing "evilness matrices" with words like "rss, personal info, cookies, MONEY$, advertisers, slave-units (users)" plonked about it and a load of choc factory decision makers lounging around on bean bags stroking their chins whilst making important decisions for the company!
I'm sorry people but Google reader scored a poor "Goodness to Money" ratio so its going!
I can imagine that thing coming to attention of lifeforms hovering about in the sky with all the heat it generated - police helicopters! "Looks like we got another ganja farm down 'ere gov!"
Good work though, especially for a one bed flat!
Sick of all this # stuff
I remember a time when hashtag was just a game of chase played very slowly with lots of snack breaks! Trust twitter to bugger up the meaning, dude!
"This is an urgent appeal on behalf of the Groupon fund for starving fish.
As a loyal customer, we urge you to consider the fate of the many hundreds of little Japanese fish that live locally to you in beauty salons, who are desperately hungry and in dire need of human foot flesh on which to feed upon. For just 50% of the normal cost, you could do your bit for fish kind and feed these desperate fishies while at the same time removing dead foot skin and revitalising your lowest of extremities."
Re: You know on Time Team how they...
I just assumed it used up tons of space or something - its Windows lol
Man imagine what Time Team would say if they happened to excavate an Apple store - lots of talk about it being a cult worship location and ancient tablets baring the words of god Steve with strict instructions to followers on how to hold stuff up against their ears!
Re: eight drives every second...etc
It used to be said years ago that if you brought a car built on a Friday afternoon in the factory, it would be unreliable and not up to standard. Maybe the 8th drive of each second comes out dodgy too! They will have to state date stamping them with not just which year and month they were built the fraction of a second too!
You know on Time Team how they...
...used to always find old clay smoking pipes in the soil continuously no matter where they dug...
Well in a thousand years time (if they bring back Time Team that is) all they will find when they dig up the ground is manky old Seagate drives full of Windows system restore backups, cat pictures and porn!
Not supprised, ebay
You seem to spam up goggle with ads for every possibly conceivable combination of search terms. I'm sure if you googled "Victorian lead pipe plumbing replacement gender reassignment surgery cupcake mistress Soho sausage meat suppliers in Stevenage grief counselling for dummies" that ebay would have brought an ad for that exact phrase!
Actually that lass in Manchester, looking at it more closely, as you do, I'm not sure she actually is smoking a ciggy. It looks more like she is pointing. In fact it looks as if she's pointing to one of the nearby railway viaducts and lecturing the punter on the history of Manchester's railway infrastructure! I guess when you work in such historic surroundings you start to pay attention to the local history and take an interest!
I didnt realise that street was in Vulture territory - shame its not really called that, I can imagine you guys having offices above Corner Hoe Street for some reason!
I love how shes got a fag on whilst she's sorting him out with the over hand!
Reminds me of this silly bit of picture stitching - nowhere near as rude but appropriate as a compliment to your main course!
Another good el-Reg exposé into old computer stuff! Ideal reading over my morning tea, not coffee! I am too young to know about stuff like this but its fun reading about it.
I use soundcloud
It's good in a sucky sort of way. I think they could be doing more with it as like that article says, its vulnerable to someone else coming along and doing a better job of it or it falling out of fashion like MySpace.
I will look forward to more wanky new media speak from them in the near future! *sigh*
Paris because she has been known to look up at the clouds while enjoying someone's latest release herself!
"Put that in this"
The actual words Steve used in his email to the head of product engineering at Foxcon referring to both that prototype and an attached GIF of a rounded rectangle he drew a few minuets earlier in Illustrator.
Roxanne, you don't have to put on the red light...
...'cus it's been programmed to switch itself on according to your work calendar!
Re: "Fashion Sense".
"A friend of mine" has had a go on these - one look at me and it they ID'ed me as an old mail sack, a Victorian table cloth and a frayed carpet!
Re: Anon Coward votes not counting towards pretty badges
I like the thumbs up'n'down, its fun to monitor how my corny jokes go down with the forum readers who can be bothered to click. I must admit though, my 5:1 ratio of up to down does make me wonder at times that I cannot surely be that funny - I think people are less likely to click on thumbs down than up unless you say something really dumb.
I wonder if an ignore button will be a good or bad thing for my "score"? hmmm
Re: A tesco value processed cheese slice.
Totally off topic but you can get Tesco Value Stilton now - Its obviously the same old Stilton you know and love (it would be illegal to sell it if it wasnt) but its wedge is somewhat crumbled at the apex you could say, hence they are flogging it off a bit cheaper.
This is actually not one of my dumb joke comments either. And yes I know it's off topic but seeing as the topic is a bloke who uses shit cheese metaphors its a valid point to make I feel!
Paris cos I heard she smells Stiltony.
Take care and bye
I got a lot of upvotes for my dodgy jokes in the comments of your Apple stories over the years (well year and a half).
Have a farewell Paris for old times sake!
Re: That's why....
Nice one! And it is too why I save all my shit talking for here as well - I think El Reg should be provided to these dudes as part of their occupational health/stress relief regime.
Where will they stop?
They'll be doing fertility treatment, divorce law services, call girls and contract gang hit killings before you can say every little sucks! Which coincidently is actually the slogan their call girls service will use!
And by the way, Blinkbox seems to me to be quite a naff and silly name, why not change it to something less weird.
Oh Lordy Lodry!
I hope he left trailing behind him a wheelie suitcase full of broken Amstrad Sky Boxes and Animatronic Alan Sugar head prototypes, then hopped into the back of a waiting black cab and drove through the streets of London moaning about how he's the best but was set up by his team-mates!
I wonder if now he's gone, Des is going to re-brand from YouView to ScrewView and to use a phrase made famous by Diane Abbott - "Pornify" the platform offering somewhat?
Mines the one with a dubiously shaped YouView box remote that looks a bit dildoey poking out the top pocket.
Late night cup of tea spat all over keyboard at seeing this....
WTF? Is my plonker being pulled here?
Oh well, if its true at least the American rights collecting rackets can go shouting "If you download a movie, you're downloading terrorism directly into your home!" and all the rest. I can't wait for the public service announcement showing Korean terrorists jumping out of computer screens and nuclear missiles shooting out of iPads!
Yes, a rare chance to slag off Clippy like its nineteen-ninty-nine, again
I cant think of any jokes now, all the good ones were done years ago....
"I see you are trying to dis me on an internet forum - would you like any help with that?"
Updates will be available
I'm half asleep but if I'm reading this right, you're saying there's going to be an update released for a cable?
Do you take it down the Apple shop and plonk it in a special update socket or something to do that?
Please dont tell PC World about this, they'll start claiming SCART sockets have computers inside them in order to justify flogging them for three times as much as a crappy old freeview box to pensioners with old tellies!
It's not that crazy you know...
There was a time just a few years back when it was trendy for people (well some people) in this country to put their phones in knitted socks! So we shouldn't laugh!
Paris 'cus were talking undies here and she's the obvious icon
I think you made your point guys! Torturing him mentally aint really going to get you any further with your case against him so give him a window for Christ's sake at the very least!
Re: chipboard organic
Have Waitrose started selling DIY stuff or something? Organic chipboard!? What next, free range Polyfiller?