1678 posts • joined Friday 11th December 2009 10:15 GMT
That's quite cool and it loads up el Reg too!
Well the home page at least, trying to read this article gave me an Error 500 whatever that means!
Re: I've got a top tip for all you pound a day guys who are smokers too...
Fags do suppress the appetite so it could be an aide to staving off the hunger of living on a quid a day. The other advantage is the high risk of an early death which will cut costs in the long run too!
You need to focus on the positive side!
Re: How to be a Politician...
No its not underpants, its oranges in the mouth inside a walk-in wardrobe or something similar I thought?
I've got a top tip for all you pound a day guys who are smokers too...
Just buy a pack of rolling papers but scrounge all your tobacco from the pavements outside commuter rail stations and at bus stops - there's always plenty of dogends about for the taking!
This top budgeting tip brought to you by Money Saving Paris
Yeah hurry up and die Flash!
It's time to hang up the suspiciously stained flasher's mac once and for all and head to the great tech cloud in the sky along with all your other shitty friends like Java Applets and GeoCities websites with scrolling text and animated GIFs!
Is their next device going to be similar to Google Glass? the iEye?
I've never even heard of this one!
Next April 1st you could run a 30 year look back at some totally made up machine and everyone under 30 would probably fall for it as there were so many genuinely obscure machines knocking about in the early 80s!
Paris because it's the 30 year anniversary of the launch of the Z80 based PARiS StD-6900
I wonder what the international sign for wanker does on Google Glass? Does it make the thing go into porn mode I wonder?
I heard that...
...Foreign cyber terrorists are planning on using these birds to knock out the UKs mobile comms infrastructure.
Think script kiddies meets Kes!
Everytime I take a dump...
...I have to pay a small licence fee to Microsoft. Reason: apparently they have patented producing shit!
He's the man with the golden Jesus Phone
Bloody nora, ten million, thats just bloody silly.
A pint because its golden in colour!
Re: What a lovely end to the perfect night.
I'm not an IT guy either, I just like this site for the shit they come out with! Like HIV testing DVD players!
Re: What a lovely end to the perfect night.
A johnny will make it all right though mate - it will greatly reduce any risk of catching it for most sex acts. Either that or you can continue to fuck people bareback and take their word for it that they don't have HIV.
HIV home testing kits have been around maybe nearly as long as fifteen years maybe more in various parts of the world. It dosnt matter if she tested neg anyway, that's no excuse to do it without a johny. If she was infected in the past 6 weeks she will not test positive anyway due to it being during the window period.
I'm not saying HIV dosnt suck, its seriously a fucker for those people with it. I do not have it myself but I am pretty well clued up on it. It's a shame many people are not and take such a Daily Mail attitude to it.
I'm thinking about creating Shitcoin - the worlds first currency made exclusively from recycled pavement excrement. I'm aiming to make using it a steady and reliable way to trade on the international markets. The only problem I can conceive is that if you put the actual coins in your mouth they can cause blindness!
Mine's the one that fluctuates wildly! Ooohh eeerrr!
I think my nan used to have the same rug as them back in the late 80s
Paris Brown, teen police commissioner
A story that actually has a Paris angle to it!
Oh and I live in Surrey and actually know a couple of rozzers. I'm not surprised they have time to waste a load of money pissing about with this thing, you should see their tea and biscuit bill.
They have recently shut loads of local nicks, I'm pretty sure the money pissed up the wall on this Siren crap could have kept a few open for a bit. I also happen to know one of their closed stations had its own cat. I hope they re-homed the bugger properly, I cant see it going down to well relocating him to the council offices with the rest of the staff!
I used to have a watch with a remote control built into it as a kid. It wasn't the 80s but the 90s and it was the iWatch of its day. In other-words if was bloody naff.
Re: What a lovely end to the perfect night.
You should be assuming anyone you pick up is completely riddled with all sorts and play safe. Slap a johnny on and you're good to go. If things get serious at a later stage, you can both go and get tested, if something is a miss, the clap clinic will sort you out. The good thing about HIV these days is that even if your partner did have the virus, by being on anti retroviral drugs, he/she will be barely infectious through intercourse so even if a johnny broke, you're probably okay. They even have post exposure drugs you can take now, as long as you start taking them within about 36-48 hours they will normally kill of any HIV that came yoru way.
Anyway, you then of course can get married, have kids and live a long and happy life together. These days the life expectancy for someone with HIV in the west is about 2 years less than normal, not the 5 years if you're lucky go cash in that pension, like it was in the 80's and 90s.. And yes, if your HIV positive partner is a woman, she can have your children and thanks to the drugs we now have, the chance of the baby being born positive will be less than 1%.
Get some bloody johnnies for crying out loud!
Paris for obvious reasons!
This employee is now 'always on' the dole, that's the world we now live in and I'm sorry but I don't get the drama.
Re: lap-top landing
But then again, I bet it happens all the time with Predator Drones!
Love that pic on the WeExchange site
If you buy some bit coin, you too could be happy and in love and have stupid hats!
Re: Manchester Style
That's the best one! It made an appearance just a few weeks ago on the El Reg user forums in fact.
I wasn't too sure she was actually smoking or not, either that or she is pointing to the nearby railway viaducts and telling the punter an interesting yarn about Manchester's fine railway and industrial heritage! I guess when you work in an area surrounded by so much history you start to take an interest!
Re: Why don't you...
You could go to one of those parks that do open air Shakespeare plays in the summer and put on your own show - open-air Corrie, Come Dine With Me and Gok Wang's 'get ya badboys out' How to Look Good Naked! I think this would be a great idea, it will add culture to the area and will gain you a reputation as one of the South East's more interesting up-and-coming Am Dram production companies!
WTF! STOP ABUSING YR POSITION GOOGLE LOL ;-)
Re: Teletext & Ceefax @LinkOfHyrule
hehe I was just thinking to myself, if I had the coding skill, I'd knock up an app or a website called "El Text" the teletext version of the Register. The average Andrew Orlowski article would probably run to 70 sub pages though and I'm not sure how flattering the forum icon for Paris would be having to be made from blocky magenta pixels either!
Someone please make this, it would be cool!
It reminds me of good old Teletext - that had a blink function too!
Someone should invent some HTML or CSS to reveal hidden text in quiz games and to make the screen double in size. Sod it just give all pages on the internet page numbers and then invent a <HOLD> tag - I miss the days when looking up Easter holiday railway engineering works involved taking half an hour out of your day and anxiously waiting for the right moment to press the hold button and having failed to do so, meant another half an hour of waiting for the page to come back round again!
Oh Mali not Mail
I misread the headline - I thought you were saying the Daily Mail were giving away free domain names! I thought for a moment this was a news story about some new scheme to create a virtual online version of middle England or something!
I dont know why the fuck I got some thumbs down, I said something very tame and not at all nasty about her - I must be getting it from both sides, I'm not a bloody lib dem you know, jeeze!
Re: Sadly, the under 40s
I'm only 29 but I do remember my grandparents having still into the 90s a hardwired phone with a big ass dial on it, connected up to a little box on the skirting board with probably "GPO" moulded into it!
This is of course the reason why they used to use the old acoustic couplers isint it!!
I'm not a Thatcher fan but yeah, maybe if it wasnt for her, you might be using broadband couplers to get online with your fondle slabs! Maybe someone should make an App in her honour - all it does is play her famous line "The lady's not for turning" whenever you turn the tablet to one side!
Paris because she's a lady who certainly does turn!
hehe I remember that too but I assume i'm remembering from the time when the older kids had already had their milk snatched as this was at nursery - they had these ickle cute toddler sized glass milk bottles and you'd plonk a blue plastic straw through the cap.
I remember the girls at school would sign in the playground "Margaret Thatcher, throw her up and catch her"!
Apparently though, she can't be turned! So I guess you had to be careful!
We are writing to you to inform you that the digital bits you borrowed from us on the 22nd of Jan 2013 are now two months overdue. As a result, you have occurred a late fee of £1,000,000 (ONE MILLION DOLLAR POUNDS).
We would kindly urge you to return the due bits to your nearest interwebz tubez or WiFi access point and transfer all fees owed to your local library via Western Union Money Transfer as soon as possible.
Surrey County Council Libraries department
Pics or didnt happen!
I want to see the room full of tiny telly aerials!
someone lying in bed to a scene of a pig relaxing in a dog basket
What did they nab pig for? Was he "double porked?"
We've had some good times together me and this old 'puter.
We've been through the same ups and downs as most couples - random blue-screens of death due to a dodgy video card driver, updates that took half a day in order fix more holes than a chuck of Swiss cheese, that annoying "doo-dong" sound it makes when you plug a USB device in, being accused of owning a pirated copy the operating system for no reason... ah memories!
I'm thinking of holding a funeral - maybe plonk my Windows XP install disc in a shoe box, dig a hole in the garden and lower the coffin down to the sound of the Windows XP shut-down jingle! I won't wear black, XP was a colourful chap and would rather we all celebrate its life by wearing the most garish green, blue and orange clobber we have available!
I might make it a headstone out of a 2008 vintage netbook, just have it poking out the earth to mark the spot so that well wishers can pay homage. *sobs*
"Folks who want porn can buy an Android phone."
The reason he said that was not because he has anything against porn, but because the iPhone is not seamen resistant!
Re: And what happened to the kid that got showered in money by Yahoo?
I think he's spending Easter round Stephen's. I hope he likes Twinings 'cus it's the only thing to drink round there!
Are you a total jerk? Your dress sense makes you look like a douche?
Chuck E. Cheese is now hiring and wants YOU to come and join us in one of many dynamic and exciting roles in our food creation and hygiene technician departments!
Paying for El Reg
I'd want a free gift, a El Reg tea mug or a wall calender with 12 of the best pics from the Playmobile reconstruction series, or something Paris-y at least!
Automated Google Van!
I can just imagine them flying down residential streets, bouncing violently over speed bumps and killing small children trying to cross the road as they rush deliveries of organic vegetables and the latest iWhatever to "trendy" people! No doubt they'll have cameras on them too so that Google can upgrade Streetview to be "real-time" and will probably hack passing wifi connections too I should think! And any passing pedestrians will be scanned and entered into the database of "Google Stalk" as well, which will be handy I'm sure!
I wish we could use three icons on posts, this one is definitely a "joke alert", a "your foster parents are dead" with a splattering of "big brother is watching you"!
I did my own version of this once...
Except I substituted the salesman/slime mould for Paris and nightclubs with VIP lounges with "seedy reputations" in a large world class capital city, represented the cities that needed visiting! It worked a treat and we got some good results, though it cost a fortune in chauffeur driven limos and we needed to have a "clean-up crew" on standby at all times!
Re: Tech company condoms
Oh yes, I can just imagine they would! The branding would look quite cool too I reckon with the vulture logo on the packet and a striking red design that's bound to stand out on any chemist's shelves!
I'm pleased to hear I win the internet too, I did start wondering that obviously I have too much time on my hands to have written that, it's good to know I'm making a difference! lol
Tech company condoms
iSheath - it's shiny, the packet has rounded corners, very well made, but too expensive for the third world.
Linux French Letters - it's free and open so you can never be sure who has used it before hand!
Windows For Love Makers 3.11 - Industry standard but very unreliable - best to use it with a third party spermicide.
Raspberry Pi-dom - Very affordable and extremely flexible but in order to cut costs there's no foil wrapper!
Java Johnnies - These have been recalled due to their poor viral resilience!
Adobe Ultra Sensitive - Thin and unreliable - used to be popular about a decade ago but rapidly declining in usage.
El Reg Rubber Ticklers - Strong premium quality latex with strategically placed pleasure notches. 8 out of 10 sex workers recommend them! or for the more demanding customer...
El Reg Paris Extra Safe - An Industrial grade prophylactic that's been clinically proven to provide the highest level of protection for the more adventurous consumer with a riskier lifestyle. You can rely on the El Reg Paris range of condoms for piece of mind no matter how debauched things get!
They spend more than that annually on lava-lamps!
Concrete council tower blocks are a girl's best friend!
The good thing about this is that dead hedgehogs you find on the street are normally flat so whoever finds it wont even have to stump up for Parcel Force to send it in. They can just stuff it in an A4 envelope, plonk on a couple of second classes and its good to go!
A bit of Blue for the dads!
Windows Blue - the sexy new operating system from Microsoft!
Get down and dirty with touchy-feely tiles, fondle about in the dark trying to find the desktop and squeal with delight at our new improved USB3 drivers that make inserting a small plug round the back an electrifying experience!
Available for download from microsoft.xxx or grab a physical copy which includes a free bottle of "Clippy Poppers" from all good licensed sex shops!
- Xmas Round-up Ten top tech toys to interface with a techie’s Christmas stocking
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- NSFW Oz couple get jiggy in pharmacy in 'banned' condom ad
- Exploits no more! Firefox 26 blocks all Java plugins by default
- Shivering boffins nail Earth's coldest spot