1509 posts • joined Friday 11th December 2009 10:15 GMT
I'd nominate whoever invented the shop doorway and the late-night kebab shop! Both essential public infrastructure if you ask me!
If only someone would create a vomit repellent road surface we'd almost be civilised! Still some work to be done here, so very important we start cranking out more boffins in this country so that such essential inventions can be created before we lose all relevance on the global engineering stage!
In my expeirnce, most dudes from 'merica working in IT/computing who find themselves doing a bit of business over here will be spending most of their time in one of three places only - the office, a dull backstreet aparthotel, and airport terminals.
Or at least the ones who end up in the Reading area do!
Re: All Bets Are Now Off
Looks like we got ourselves a couple of jokers here!
Re: Don't be evil unless there's money to be made by being evil
I wonder if instead of the ol' cost benefit analysis, Google do evilness benefit analysis instead? They must do really when you think about it!
I can imagine big projectors showing "evilness matrices" with words like "rss, personal info, cookies, MONEY$, advertisers, slave-units (users)" plonked about it and a load of choc factory decision makers lounging around on bean bags stroking their chins whilst making important decisions for the company!
I'm sorry people but Google reader scored a poor "Goodness to Money" ratio so its going!
I can imagine that thing coming to attention of lifeforms hovering about in the sky with all the heat it generated - police helicopters! "Looks like we got another ganja farm down 'ere gov!"
Good work though, especially for a one bed flat!
"This is an urgent appeal on behalf of the Groupon fund for starving fish.
As a loyal customer, we urge you to consider the fate of the many hundreds of little Japanese fish that live locally to you in beauty salons, who are desperately hungry and in dire need of human foot flesh on which to feed upon. For just 50% of the normal cost, you could do your bit for fish kind and feed these desperate fishies while at the same time removing dead foot skin and revitalising your lowest of extremities."
Re: You know on Time Team how they...
I just assumed it used up tons of space or something - its Windows lol
Man imagine what Time Team would say if they happened to excavate an Apple store - lots of talk about it being a cult worship location and ancient tablets baring the words of god Steve with strict instructions to followers on how to hold stuff up against their ears!
Not supprised, ebay
You seem to spam up goggle with ads for every possibly conceivable combination of search terms. I'm sure if you googled "Victorian lead pipe plumbing replacement gender reassignment surgery cupcake mistress Soho sausage meat suppliers in Stevenage grief counselling for dummies" that ebay would have brought an ad for that exact phrase!
Re: eight drives every second...etc
It used to be said years ago that if you brought a car built on a Friday afternoon in the factory, it would be unreliable and not up to standard. Maybe the 8th drive of each second comes out dodgy too! They will have to state date stamping them with not just which year and month they were built the fraction of a second too!
Actually that lass in Manchester, looking at it more closely, as you do, I'm not sure she actually is smoking a ciggy. It looks more like she is pointing. In fact it looks as if she's pointing to one of the nearby railway viaducts and lecturing the punter on the history of Manchester's railway infrastructure! I guess when you work in such historic surroundings you start to pay attention to the local history and take an interest!
I didnt realise that street was in Vulture territory - shame its not really called that, I can imagine you guys having offices above Corner Hoe Street for some reason!
You know on Time Team how they...
...used to always find old clay smoking pipes in the soil continuously no matter where they dug...
Well in a thousand years time (if they bring back Time Team that is) all they will find when they dig up the ground is manky old Seagate drives full of Windows system restore backups, cat pictures and porn!
I love how shes got a fag on whilst she's sorting him out with the over hand!
Reminds me of this silly bit of picture stitching - nowhere near as rude but appropriate as a compliment to your main course!
I use soundcloud
It's good in a sucky sort of way. I think they could be doing more with it as like that article says, its vulnerable to someone else coming along and doing a better job of it or it falling out of fashion like MySpace.
I will look forward to more wanky new media speak from them in the near future! *sigh*
Paris because she has been known to look up at the clouds while enjoying someone's latest release herself!
"Put that in this"
The actual words Steve used in his email to the head of product engineering at Foxcon referring to both that prototype and an attached GIF of a rounded rectangle he drew a few minuets earlier in Illustrator.
Roxanne, you don't have to put on the red light...
...'cus it's been programmed to switch itself on according to your work calendar!
Re: "Fashion Sense".
"A friend of mine" has had a go on these - one look at me and it they ID'ed me as an old mail sack, a Victorian table cloth and a frayed carpet!
Re: Anon Coward votes not counting towards pretty badges
I like the thumbs up'n'down, its fun to monitor how my corny jokes go down with the forum readers who can be bothered to click. I must admit though, my 5:1 ratio of up to down does make me wonder at times that I cannot surely be that funny - I think people are less likely to click on thumbs down than up unless you say something really dumb.
I wonder if an ignore button will be a good or bad thing for my "score"? hmmm
Re: A tesco value processed cheese slice.
Totally off topic but you can get Tesco Value Stilton now - Its obviously the same old Stilton you know and love (it would be illegal to sell it if it wasnt) but its wedge is somewhat crumbled at the apex you could say, hence they are flogging it off a bit cheaper.
This is actually not one of my dumb joke comments either. And yes I know it's off topic but seeing as the topic is a bloke who uses shit cheese metaphors its a valid point to make I feel!
Paris cos I heard she smells Stiltony.
Take care and bye
I got a lot of upvotes for my dodgy jokes in the comments of your Apple stories over the years (well year and a half).
Have a farewell Paris for old times sake!
Re: That's why....
Nice one! And it is too why I save all my shit talking for here as well - I think El Reg should be provided to these dudes as part of their occupational health/stress relief regime.
Where will they stop?
They'll be doing fertility treatment, divorce law services, call girls and contract gang hit killings before you can say every little sucks! Which coincidently is actually the slogan their call girls service will use!
And by the way, Blinkbox seems to me to be quite a naff and silly name, why not change it to something less weird.
Oh Lordy Lodry!
I hope he left trailing behind him a wheelie suitcase full of broken Amstrad Sky Boxes and Animatronic Alan Sugar head prototypes, then hopped into the back of a waiting black cab and drove through the streets of London moaning about how he's the best but was set up by his team-mates!
I wonder if now he's gone, Des is going to re-brand from YouView to ScrewView and to use a phrase made famous by Diane Abbott - "Pornify" the platform offering somewhat?
Mines the one with a dubiously shaped YouView box remote that looks a bit dildoey poking out the top pocket.
Late night cup of tea spat all over keyboard at seeing this....
WTF? Is my plonker being pulled here?
Oh well, if its true at least the American rights collecting rackets can go shouting "If you download a movie, you're downloading terrorism directly into your home!" and all the rest. I can't wait for the public service announcement showing Korean terrorists jumping out of computer screens and nuclear missiles shooting out of iPads!
Yes, a rare chance to slag off Clippy like its nineteen-ninty-nine, again
I cant think of any jokes now, all the good ones were done years ago....
"I see you are trying to dis me on an internet forum - would you like any help with that?"
Updates will be available
I'm half asleep but if I'm reading this right, you're saying there's going to be an update released for a cable?
Do you take it down the Apple shop and plonk it in a special update socket or something to do that?
Please dont tell PC World about this, they'll start claiming SCART sockets have computers inside them in order to justify flogging them for three times as much as a crappy old freeview box to pensioners with old tellies!
It's not that crazy you know...
There was a time just a few years back when it was trendy for people (well some people) in this country to put their phones in knitted socks! So we shouldn't laugh!
Paris 'cus were talking undies here and she's the obvious icon
I think you made your point guys! Torturing him mentally aint really going to get you any further with your case against him so give him a window for Christ's sake at the very least!
Re: chipboard organic
Have Waitrose started selling DIY stuff or something? Organic chipboard!? What next, free range Polyfiller?
Just been on there to look at todays best deals...
...same old stuff really: 50% off a fish foot-spa treatment, 70% off a 'celebrity experience' evening at a top London night club with Alan Tichmarsh, 65% off gastric bypasses... but what really caught my eye was this: 25% off Groupon shares!
Seems like a good deal to me!
Sod that - imagine spending months of your life in and out of court with a load of DM people and their lawyers.
Maybe just a caption that says "The Daily Mail thinks Romanians are great and we highly recommend that all our readers enter into gay marriages with as many Eastern Europeans as possible in order to strengthen the EU economy!"
Third joke about this story from me - I'm on a roll baby! or just bored / a sad git
New twitter rip off for dead people - Harper its called (harp as in what angels play) - their version of tweets are called 'harps' and its customary to describe someone who harps a lot as "harping on a lot" or to say "what's he harping on about now?". Of course its all 'cloud' based to boot!
Re: Don't understand the downvote, have an upvote, Sir :)
I don't mind the odd downvote or six - my votes are up and down like Paris's knickers anyway!
Re: Reporting from inside the prc
Be careful what you wish for - if the Chinese did suck your cock, all 1.something BILLION of them, you'd be red raw with nothing but a fleshy lolly stick of a knob by the time they've finished.
Who said the 1979 Autumn/Winter version of the Freeman's catalogue wasn't still setting the trends! Just look at those mugshots!
Plonk a 24 hour stream of the current top 50 cat videos doing the rounds on there and it will be basically be Youtube.
Oh the irony
They are moaning about someone else censoring their output - how about you remove those black rectangles from that Savil report thingy before you start whining like bitches about this eh!
Re: What Paxo shoud do
And you just know those black rectangles are hiding some really good shit from Paxman. Bloody BBC bastards!
Paris because you don't have a Paxo icon but they both begin with a P so its kind of a redacted version of a Paxo icon in a sense, sort of!
He's missing a track here!
Don't change the bloody name - instead get a local scrumpy maker to do some fanboi themed ciders and up-sell it to the irate and confused callers looking for fondleslab fixes!
I have suggestions for the name of this fruity new scrump; Jobsworth, iPissed, Giz-a-Jobs, Olde Steve, BlowJobs, One Eyed Mouse, FireWire Port, Gooey GUI, Siri-ously Strong Cider (Export Super Tramp Strength),
and last but not least a really poor quality industrially made tipple called Windows 3.1 for Piss Artists!
Re: Ask Jeeves is "currently experiencing an unusually large number of Web searches"
Yeah right! I find it hard to believe they have had a large number of searches this side of 2002
That is Heinz's new slogan for their new ketchup made with raw ingredients from a compromised food chain - it has 57 opportunities throughout the production process for horse-meat to find its way in!
Bloody Microsoft nicking other peoples ideas again! They'll be putting horses in Windows phones next just to get publicity!
Re: Only Redmond left drinking out of own browser plumbing
He said they are the only major player with a closed source rendering thingymabob did he not?
Maybe your browser didn't render the text properly and you missed that bit?
Hehe classic! Shame I missed this it sounds funny!
If it had of been my site they'd nicked a pic off, I'd have made an image with text in the same font and size saying something really libellous (but only in the context of it appearing on their page) or admitting that DM hacks like to do naughty things or something!
It reminds me of those PBS TV shows that are "underwritten" or "sponsored" by companies and organisations...
"This hacking attempt is brought to you by - North Korea! For all your nuclear testing needs you can rely on North Korea! Part of the Axis of Evil group of countries."
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