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* Posts by LinkOfHyrule

1678 posts • joined 11 Dec 2009

Osbo jacks up spending on spooks to keep us safe from TERROR

LinkOfHyrule
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Pint

Re: What terrorists?

As are all mums who shop at Iceland - total terrorist home grown lone wolf extremists the lot of them!

I've gone for beer instead of joke alert this time - actually joke alert, is that the next stage up from amber alert on the scare the public scale? Does it mean a joke about Robin hood airport on twitter is imminent?

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LinkOfHyrule
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Re: What terrorists?

Terrorists are everywhere silly - the government told me!

  • If you know someone with two mobile phones - terrorist
  • someone who keeps their curtains closed - terrorist
  • someone who uses encrypted email - terrorist
  • paedophiles - terrorists
  • people in wheelchairs trying to board EasyJet flights to Spain - terrorist
  • market traders who sell fruit and veg in imperial units - terrorist
  • people who make crap jokes on twitter - terrorist
  • people who appeal against wrongly issued penalty fares on commuter trains into London - terrorist
  • kids who take pictures of buses/trains/buildings/cats/squirrels - terrorist
  • people who switch energy supplier on a regular basis in order to get the best gas tariff - terrorist

These are all warning signs - this is why we NEED the PRISM system! Duh!

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A question of forum etiquette

LinkOfHyrule
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Happy

hehe I guess that's true! I've learned my lesson I don't want to be accused of that again in a hurry - otherwise it will be me, Eadon and Andrew Orlowski or someone from el reg all appearing on the Jeremy Kyle show for a paternity test and a fight if these rumours were to continue!

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LinkOfHyrule
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Happy

I made a little silly joke about Microsoft on here not so long ago.

Someone replied to it with this: "Eadon, your dad's here!" I cannot remember who.

That was far worst than calling me a cunt I can tell you!

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Think you're streaming Superman? Think again, punk

LinkOfHyrule
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Paris Hilton

Re: just....

or if you will do a google search / youtube search for films at least specify length >20 mins in the search filter or add the text "full movie" along with the name of the flick in the search box.

This film pirating tip is brought to you by Paris.

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Welsh gov beats off Canada to hand £1m to Nintendo dev

LinkOfHyrule
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Paris Hilton

Welsh gov beats off Canada

I was hoping this was going to be an exclusive behind the scenes story about what politicians get up to together in a toilet cubical in the gentlemen's lavatories at the UN!

What a let down! Cor! dam you el-reg with your saucy headlines!

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Bank details - PAH! Phishers want your FACEBOOK password

LinkOfHyrule
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Re: If someone steals your Facebook password, then...

No that's a good joke, I just upvoted it! It's better than the guff I come up with after-all!

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LinkOfHyrule
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Happy

Re: Hey phishers!!!!.... THINK AGAIN!

haha!

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LinkOfHyrule
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Paris Hilton

Hey phishers!!!!....

If you want my Facebook login you're bloody welcome to it - if you're that desperate to look at pictures of my sisters cats all day that is! Thought not!

But if you change your mind and you do fancy ogling some puss, then why not cut out the middle-man - instead of phising for Facebook logins just get a job at PRISM and fill your boots with as much puss as you can handle!

Paris because its too early in the morning and I'm talking shite to myself on the el-reg forums! Again!

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Latest Firefox boosts video chat, 3D graphics, JavaScript performance

LinkOfHyrule
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Re: Video chat?

The latest build of Firefox actually comes with a free strip of black electrical tape for you to plonk over your webcam - they'll send it to you in the post!

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Microsoft: Someone gave us shot in the ARM by swallowing Surface tabs

LinkOfHyrule
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Joke

Imagine if the Microsoft Welsh Male Voice Choir and the ARM Barbershop Quartet got together and recorded a single together - and then the MS boys made the ARM chaps go down the shops to buy a few thousand copies of it in a vain attempt to bump it up the "Alternative" music charts!

This is exactly what they're doing here!

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PRISM leaker strands hacks on booze-free flight

LinkOfHyrule
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Joke

I know where he is!

He's in the arse-end of nowhere - or the Assange of nowhere you might say!

b-boom tish!

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Glasgow subway's new smart tickets aren't, moan passengers

LinkOfHyrule
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Paris Hilton

Re: re. traditional seafood nomenclature

I reckon they should have called it "Crabz Card".

The slogan could have been "Itching to go somewhere? Then you've got Crabz!"

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Reg hack prepares to live off wondergloop Soylent

LinkOfHyrule
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Pint

Re: Actually, I have now thought of a proper forum post

If your plan comes to fruition, we'll all be teleporting kebabs directly to our stomachs using phone apps while still in the pub - and no doubt some of us will be directly teleporting said kebabs on to the pavement come closing time too!

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LinkOfHyrule
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Re: Pink wafer biscuits = Soylent Pink

I think the El reg Special Projects research thingy needs to do a full scale investigation into the effects of eating 200g of each type of biscuit in twenty minuets. Everything from Hobnobs to Jammy Dodgers including dead fly biscuits, Bourbons, Nice and even Fig Rolls!

Maybe get that turd examiner woman from Channel Four involved too if drunk.smile's experiences with custard creams are anything to go by.

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LinkOfHyrule
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Happy

Re: I ate a whole 200g packet in 20 mins

Blimey! I have never done that many myself, sounds like you might have ODed! I think you should have phoned 999 and taken the packaging to A+E with you!

I wonder what the antidote to pink wafers is? Fruit and vegetables probably!

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LinkOfHyrule
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Happy

Re: 1950s

Yes indeed old chap! My internet connection is a bit slow back here though but I keep hearing about a new invention called a "tranny" that will speed things up for me!*

*Transistor for those of you born after 1960 like myself who was born in the 80s despite working in the 1950s

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LinkOfHyrule
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Re: Pink wafer biscuits = Soylent Pink

They are blooming addictive - I've got a pack on my desk right now - they wont last long come tea break!

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LinkOfHyrule
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Paris Hilton

Actually, I have now thought of a proper forum post

...This has not only been done before but has been done better. You should look into Fortisip, PEG tubes and feed pumps.

If you are going to eat gloop - what better way than having it pumped directly into your stomach by a machine via a plastic tube sticking out your belly button?

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LinkOfHyrule
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Happy

Pink wafer biscuits = Soylent Pink

Sometimes life doesn’t afford proper forum posts.

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CIA spooks picked Amazon's 'superior' cloud over IBM

LinkOfHyrule
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Paris Hilton

Re: The real reason

Other customers who stored highly classified information also brought... Wolf howling at a full moon T-shirt... $9.99...

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I told you I'd be back: Arnie set for another career revival

LinkOfHyrule
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Paris Hilton

Get your ass to Mars, Get your ass to Mars, Get your ass to Mars, Get your ass to Mars

Still gets my vote as best line in a film ever!

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MySpace zaps millions of teens' tearful rants, causes wave of angst

LinkOfHyrule
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Timberland is a clothing brand and also a US hip hop producer

It's like how Vax is an old computer but also a wet and dry vacuum cleaner!

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LinkOfHyrule
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Joke

If Trouser Snake owns MySpace...

Does this mean Justin Bieber owns Bebo?

Beibo?!

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Young blokes blinded by video-game addiction: THE FACTS

LinkOfHyrule
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Joke

Little Timmy is playing XBOX One alone in his room...

Timmy: "Awesome I scored another Tetris! woot!"

xboxOne: "Hey Timmy listen up!"

Timmy: "hu?!!?"

xboxOne: "My name is Hans Brix LeBloc - CEO of Thermalite - Europes leading manufacturer of breeze blocks for the construction industry!"

Timmy: "what the.....!!!"

xboxOne: "I've been spying on your Tetris games these past few months Timmy and you really have skills me and the guys here at Thermalite think we could use down at our brick making factory!...etc.etc.etc."

Timmy: "Sod off you perv! MUM THE XBOX IS SPYING ON ME AGAIN!"

Mum: "It's okay Timmy, I'll call the NSPCC again!"

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LinkOfHyrule
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Joke

Little Johnny is playing XBOX One alone in his room....

Johnny: "Take that bitch!" < he says as he kills another terrorist in Call of Duty.

xboxOne: "Hey Kid... HEY KID!!!"

Johnny: "Woah wtf, is that you xbox? Are you talking to me?"

xboxOne: "Yeah it's me kid, Sgt Ballmer here, first XBOX battalion. We've been watching you for a while Johnny using the cameras in your XBOX Kinnect. We like your style kid, you really know how to kick some butt on Call of Duty!"

Johnny: "Woah thanks sir!"

xboxOne: "Say kid, how'd you like to come work for us and fly drones keeping 'merica safe? We could do with a sharp shooting patriot such as yourself..." etc. etc. etc.

etc!

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Interwebs taunt Sir Jony over Apple eye candy makeover

LinkOfHyrule
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Happy

So it was Jony Ive all along...

...who designed all those Happy Hardcore compilation CD covers back in the 90s!

Smiley face 'cus its the rave scene init.

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Patch Tuesday: And EVERY version of IE needs fixing AGAIN

LinkOfHyrule
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Joke

NSA Backdoors need updating

PRISM 2.0 bitches!

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Pandora to hit airwaves with terrestrial radio station buy

LinkOfHyrule
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Gimp

KXMZ-FM

Personally I'm more partial to KYJLY-FM - your smooth and slippery music mix!

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Microsoft in sexism strife again over XBOX rape joke

LinkOfHyrule
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Re: Has the video been edited?

It looks like the NSA must have edited the vid or something!

Two blokes in black suits and shades will turn up at the doors of all the people who did manage to see the unedited video and they will say "You DID NOT see this video, do you understand us, slave?!!" in threatening tones!

This is how life will be from now on under the XBOX Holy One!

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Sony sucker-punches Xbox on price, specs, DRM-free gaming

LinkOfHyrule
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Paris Hilton

Re: Waiting for "Kinect: PRISM"

It a well known fact that Al-Qaeda peado-terrorists are big fans of Kinect Sports!

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Crusading lawmen want more details on Apple's iOS 7 'Activation Lock'

LinkOfHyrule
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"Apple picking"

Or scrumping as we call it over here in blighty!

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AMD announces 'world's first commercially available 5GHz CPU'

LinkOfHyrule
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Happy

"Max Turbo" modes

AMD announces the return of beige box PCs with Turbo buttons on them!

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KEEP CALM and Carry On: PRISM itself is not a big deal

LinkOfHyrule
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Paris Hilton

P.R.I.S.M

Paris Really Is a Sexy Momma!

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Bill Gates slurps bigger share of Olympics bungle-boys G4S

LinkOfHyrule
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Re: Eadon

I was going to make some joke about how "Bill Gates likes owning companies with poor levels of security" etc. but I now live in a constant state of fear that I'm going to be compared to Eadon for doing so! So instead I'll just say Apple and Samsung are shit in the interests of impartiality!

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NSA PRISM deepthroat VANISHES as pole-dance lover cries into keyboard

LinkOfHyrule
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Joke

Booz Allen

He's our local park wino. Bloody great cover story though, never knew he was really a defence contractor!

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Techies finger Bradley Manning for US secret files database breach

LinkOfHyrule
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Paris Hilton

Re: Assange - and his extended diplomatic sleepover

I bet that embassy he dosses in has one hell of a knackered-out futon by now! Smelly too possibly!

At least he's not sleeping in a windowless cell like Mr Manning. Give the poor chap a window ffs and no I don't mean Windows 8! The dude has enough problems!

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PM Cameron calls for modern, programmable computers! (We think)

LinkOfHyrule
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WTF?

Hey kids, le'me give you an app-a-tunity!

He's just ripping off The Thick of It now (just like Labour used to) but this time he's going to go into a local school and tell "the kids" that he's "down with them" and that they are to make apps in school for free.

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Waving an Eye-of-Sauron pulsating mock cock? STOP IMMEDIATELY

LinkOfHyrule
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Gimp

Re: "dildo design agency"

Hehe I was only joking I don't really. I actually work for Apple designing iPhones - its a similar line of work though! Especially the new iDong they're soon bringing out - oops said to much!

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LinkOfHyrule
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Happy

New South Fucking Wales

or Not Safe For Work - basically its an aid to accidentally looking at rude things in front of your boss or customers. Luckily I work for a dildo design agency so I can safely ignore it!

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LinkOfHyrule
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Joke

It's not actually being recalled due to an electrical fault - Ann Summers QA department actually found they contained a back-door into the NSA Prism system!!!!

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Microsoft announces $499 price tag, new games for Xbox One

LinkOfHyrule
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Paris Hilton

Re: But??

But its a "Walled Garden" of Eadon!

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Boffins hide cute kitty behind invisibility shield

LinkOfHyrule
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Paris Hilton

Welcome to the world of...

INVIZIBELZ LOLCATZ!

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NSA PRISM-gate: Relax, GCHQ spooks 'keep us safe', says Cameron

LinkOfHyrule
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Paris Hilton

It would take a really dim terrorist

Don't forget all the terrorists who use twitter to spout out silly jokes when their flights are delayed because of snow!

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SEXY models clash at big bash over catty tweets: Yup, it's HTC v Samsung

LinkOfHyrule
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Paris Hilton

You could have warned us that this story contained "Winner" - I have a delicate constitution!

But back to the story at hand - which is better HTC or Samsung phones - there's only one way to find out........

FIGHT!

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How to spot a coders comment

LinkOfHyrule
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Joke

REM

I take it the BASIC guys were big fans of the yet to exist rock band!

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The toy of tech: The Mattel Aquarius 30 years on

LinkOfHyrule
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Paris Hilton

Whatever happens in the future will fit into this slot

Where did they get that advertising slogan from, did they nick part of it from one of those tart cards you used to get phone boxes in Soho?

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Reseller Computacenter LITERALLY smokes out squatters from offices

LinkOfHyrule
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Happy

Re: Boo

They're sqauters you wont have a choice!

I bet some of them sue for breathing difficulties, loss of camp beds and for being forced to feel "unnecessary panic and alarm" etc - It just proves Computacenter shouldn't mess with the Claims-Ambulance-Chasers-Direct boys!

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Culture Sec: You - Google. Where's the off switch for all this filth?

LinkOfHyrule
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Flame

What happens if...

... I want to download the song "Sex Dwarf" by Softcell or some early 90s breakbeat "Hardcore" the Prodigy for example? Or I want to google the track listing for the latest in the series of the tragically less exciting than it sounds "Clubland Extreme Hardcore" to laugh at how much it sucks etc...?

Google will simply think I'm into hardcore sex club porn featuring people with restrictive growth when I'm not, and this will make the internet a better place will it!?

How will the ministry of truth know how to filter out actual dwarf porn and not well known synth pop songs with similar sounding names?

Load of old effing stupid bollocks! And I supposed saying that will be blocked too!

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