1678 posts • joined 11 Dec 2009
Re: Best way to get to sleep...
One probalem with that.... weird dreams where you are chased down the High street naked by Sandi Toksvig!
Paris, cos she's a big fan of Sandi and I'd pay money (about £1.50) to see her be chased down Guildford High street by Ms Toksvig any-time! (well any-time except between 7.30am and 9am because that's when loading is allowed in the town centre so they'd be to many lorries and vans in the way and I wouldn't see the action!)
Re: I think it's safe to say
"But perhaps the device belongs in an ElReg Top Ten Medical Gadgets article"
That would actually be really cool! As someone who lived with a person who used loads of such gadgets I'd appreciate it!
Please El Reg masters do this, I want to know what the best sleep-apnea CPAP machine is and which bed-wetting alarm has the best iPhone app integration! I want to be told which stair-lift gets the thumps up (all the way to the second floor!) and which blood pressure monitor sets your heart racing!
I heard that the pizza delivery bloke couldn't get through - he couldn't find the office and needed to call back for directions so sadly one perfectly good stuffed crust peperoni with extra cheese has gone to waste thanks to teampoison - not to mention the poor terror call centre workers had to make do with a pot-noodle for their lunch!
This sort of chaos never happened to the cones hotline back in the day!
Re: Is this a tech site?
This place is a tech news site, it's just one you can make sense of while hungover and likes to get it's Paris out for the lads!
Ask an .adult
I hear that Blue Peter is setting up a new website for its model making projects that require the use of scissors and other tools that kiddies might need some assistance using...
Is it really a good idea!?
Re: Get your facts straight
"Apple is learning as they go" - they've been in this game a long time, I'd a thought they'd have a bloody clue by now!
"they are not professionals at malware/virus protection" - Clearly!
For the record I actually hate all those companies....
Google - for having a fucking stupid name.
Amazon - for having a fucking stupid name.
Samsung - for making noisy fridges.
Microsoft - for having a fucking stupid name and because one day they will probably make a Kinect enabled fridge and my bloody milk will go sour.
Apple - for having a fucking stupid name but they'd probably make a good fridge!
Re: Hah! - Do you really expect all MacOS users
I've got some oil pastels in a drawer in my living room (not pushed them much) and a Wacom tablet connected to my PC but I dont have a Mac - I'm confused - I feel like the computing equivalent of bi-curious! I need a tech agony aunt!
And you know you're quite as old when you can remember when the Simpsons was funny but didnt have Sky so were about 6 years behind watching it on BBC2.
Re: Would the "Waterfall Scenario"..
It would yes. Then the piss would go all over the iPhone and cause it stop working. The fanperson would then send it off to Apple for repair and be disappointed when greeted with the reply "Sorry but the little moisture sensor thingy inside the headphone jack has turned yellow - the Apple warranty dose not I am afraid cove piss related incidents"
Pint, because apart from ill health, pints are the leading cause of all piss related incidents in the home!
I have never heard of this game before so it comes as a cool surprise to find an interesting looking old game I know nothing about.
I must admit, and I'm not just making an obvious joke for once, I thought from the title it would be a Leisure Suit Larry style game with a frisky rabbit chap as the main character rather than a platformer. Jackrabbit sounds to me like a combination of the phrases "at it like rabbits" and "banging like a jack hammer" and of course jazz is an euphemism for porn - guess I just got a dirty mind though!
up/downvotes are the experience points!
I like to pretend that the comments section is an RPG game* - up/downvotes are the experience points!
If you're getting downvoted to much then need to level up by posting a few obvious comments and jokes, it's what I do.
*I don't really pretend that, I effing hate RPGs I'd rather be forced to watch Piers Morgan's god awful US chatshow whist being waterboarded with Buckfast! I guess I'm just good at talking shit and the majority of people who bother to vote like it, I worry about the Register readership demographic at times frankly!
Re: I can beat that
This is even better - courtesy of Ashens - As seen on TV (in some countries)...
Re: iPad - as seen on TV
In twenty years time when those programmes are repeated, the young people of that future generation will piss themselves with laughter at how bloody stupid and primitive those old fondleslab thingies look to them. It's the same as how I nearly wet myself at footage of yuppies using mobile brick phones when ever I see some documentary about how shit the 80s was!
Re: Faraday bag
If I ever write the trashy novel about the Tory MP and the dominatrix, "Faraday Bags" is the character name I'm using for her!
Customers of the UK's Nationwide Building Society...
... have suffered intermittent service to the bank's website since this morning,
...well they're not that bloody Nationwide after-all then are they!
If the interwebz existed in the 70s they'd be telling jokes like that down at the working men's club.
Re: I LIKE IT
"Where did this screaming troll come from? Did I take a wrong turn and end up at 4chan?"
Go easy on him mate, his comments always make me smile.* Even if he were a troll, you cant knock some free smilage can you!
*Yeah I know say's a lot about me, don't need to point that out I am well aware that I'm bloody weird. Not quite as weird as zero-g whiskey drinkers though.
Re: I LIKE IT
Aww I hope do too Big Dumb Guy!
You're my favourite comentard! This dude speaks sense.
"By the way, which adult hook-up website? You've got me interested now. LOL"
Seems like the Register is turning into a hook-up site at this rate!
Yeah, that's an idea - a lot of newspaper websites having dating services - how about "Register Fuck Finder"! You enter details like your age, location, operating system of choice and sexual preference and get matched up with a suitable partner!
Though I have a feeling the straight guys will be out of luck to be honest. Maybe I am wrongly assuming this place don't get many female readers though.
If there is a public interest in Sky News hacking a 'dead' canoe bloke's email, dose that mean it's in the public interest for The Register to hack my adult hook-up website accounts to see who I'm banging? Exacty, NO!
If Sky had reason to think it worth hacking his emails, why not call the police and relay their suspicions to them to do it legally?
His name is a reference to his raving days in the early-mid 90s. I remember him well, always stomping away at the front at the big events, asking the MC for a "shout out to all the Anonymous massive" a bit of a character! He went off hardcore around 96 when it got too cheesy and became more of a jungleist and then around 2000 got into UK garage. Good to see he's doing so well!
I buy in bulk and use the johnnys on sex toys mate, makes clean up a breeze. So yes, typical register reader here.
Re: 'Dubbed the “Playa” '
It might cause confusion with people with eye fetishes - I believe the more extreme ones are known as "eye-players" in the BDSM community!
You're hardly a "playa" if you only carry a maximum of two johnnys on you at any one time. Speaking as man who has to buy rubbers in bulk, this would cost me a fortune in iPhones!
Re: girlfriend named Cassandra?
Maybe the TV channel Dave, inspired by this plonker, could do a tech remake - Only Trolls and Hash-Tags...
Del-boy has a clapped out old Mac (one of those silly see through ones, in yellow) and he lives in the basement of a council flat with his uncle Albert who's always banging on about the war (the war between Commodore, Apple and the IBM PC - 'cus he's a geek veteran). Del-boy always has some dodgey scheme on the go, phising, hacks, DoS attacks, 419's etc - Rodney always ends up as the smuck who has to configure the TOR and remember the TrueCrypt passwords. Other common scenarios include, popping down the local boozer (The Nags Node) to buy dodgey second hand laptops from a used tech dealer with a pervy tash and swapping pirate DVDs with a geezer called Trigger who works for the local council as a sys admin.
This time next year we'll be tech millionaires! ...and talking shit to Robert Scoble.
"If the government stopped allowing half the world's terrorists and serious criminal claiming asylum here we would not need this legislation."
Damn, my browser must have just been hijacked or click-jacked or something. I swear I logged into theregister.co.uk but my browser seems to be displaying comments from the Daily Mail website for some reason?
WTF! If only the police were monitoring me in real time, they could catch the bastards who did this!
"the poses and facial expressions of David Beckham were mildly sexual at most".
"so I decided as a scientist to find out."
I've used that excuse in the bedroom many a time!*
*please note I don't need therapy, my other half is also a scientist.
So essentially I need to find a state with slack internet and pornography laws that is sympathetic to a bit of "Iron Lady Garden" and "Cottaging for badgers on Hampstead heath"!
I wonder where that could be?
And before I go, I must say I am very impressed to see that Firefox's spell checker includes the word "cottaging" in it's dictionary - you just dont get such perviness with closed source software products! It's a shame the word "Firefox's" isint in their dictionary though!
Re: "Theresa May, writing in The Sun"
"Well thanks a bunch - now I can't get that out of my mind. Arrghhh!!!!"
I can't work out if that is a good thing or a bad thing!
I still honestly believe there is a demand out there for a Tory fetish/porn website. Conservative-Contacts.com? Blue-Rinse-Movies.xxx? Tory-Chief-Whips.xxx? Two-Ministers-One-Policy.xxx? Just a few ideas I'm toying with.
The public is being so screwed by these guys, there's bound to be a few people idea who get off on it.
Re: "Theresa May, writing in The Sun"
Those of us who know even just a little bit about how computers and the interwebz tubes work clearly know she is talking out her USB socket.
However your average Sun reader sees the words "peado terrorist" and thinks "well yeah it's a good idea init guv, anything to catch those nasty peados, you get me!" while nursing off a stiffy caused by looking at some barely legal bint with her jugs out on page-three.
I'd like to see Theresa May on page-three, I'd use it as loo paper, then it'd be classed as extreme porn.
This is all like an episode of Yes Minister, if Yes Minister was shit. Shit Minister?
Also, "Home Sec"...? Is that the DIY division of Lulzsec or something?
"The company declined to comment on the news story that was "broken" by Sky News, an organisation owned by BSkyB."
That's like if the BBC News Channel had broke the news that George Alagiah had just farted in the lift at BBC TV Centre isint it? It's hardly fair to claim "BREAKING NEWS!!!!" like its some high example of journalistic endeavour when it's your own blooming company's news is it!
At least a fart actually breaks though.
Mine's the one with a faint whiff of egg.
Re: Thick eh?
I went to not one but two of those kind of schools - and now I stalk the el Reg forums for a non-living!
No offence meant to anyone, I actually did. I'd probably be hacking supermarket trolley coin-slots if it wasn't for these forums keeping me off the streets.
Re: I wonder if...
I dunno if he will kick up a fuss, but I'm kicking up a fuss 'cus you made the same obvious joke I was going to make! Damn beaten to it again! I have upvoted you in disgust, Goldmember!
I'm making a new app inspired by this... It scrapes social networking sites for dog owners, their GPS locations and cleverly figures out when and where they walk their dogs. The app is called "Dog Shit Around Me" a new handy tool for smart phones that enables users to avoid likely dog shit hot spots.
I'm hoping Paris will become the face of Dog Shit Around Me.
He has obviously chosen the wrong religion...
...This would have never happened if he had used a Mac.
You're not a Camronphile are you by any chance? Damn, I need to set up that Tory Fetish site I'm always dreaming about! I would do a Labour one but they are far less kinky. The naughtiest thing they do is watch lame cable TV softcore porn.
Eeeewwww, this is like having David Cameron riffle through your knicker drawer. Which he would enjoy.
Re: I have a genuine ITVDigital monkey :-)
Teabag monkey? Is this the Register or have I stumbled into some sordid sex chat forum?
Why not put one of those Occupy encampments outside it too? Pay a load of nouveau-hippies to be a human defence system. Just an idea - you gotta think outside the box in the tech industry after-all!
Is it just me or dose the name Kim Dotcom sound more suited to late 90s British Glamour model?
I remember that, he can't act for toffee. If only he tried to be a mainstream director instead - he could of easily been the man to bring us Avatar...
Ben Dover Films in association with SweetMeat and One Eyed Jacks Productions presents... Smurfette Dose Dorking - In glorious 3D!
In a world where people everywhere are blue and the movies are even bluer, one young woman defys all the odds and succeeds in her epic quest... to bang the entire population of a small Surrey commuter town!
Smurfette Dose Dorking - the movie event of the year, directed by the acclaimed master of meatslapping himself, Ben Dover! In cinemas now! Rated S for shit.
How to rejuvenate this stale online brand...
Maybe they can get some more users by introducing some new spin off sites...
Fens Reunited - The social network for those in the north Northfolk area
Shags Reunited - A handy tool for tracking down the source of that worrying rash
Socks Reunited - An online odd-sock swapping service - users upload pictures of their odd socks in the aim of finding another user with the same type of odd-sock in order to make a pair - kinda like a laundry based dating site
Paris Reunited - Speaks for itself (using single syllables obviously)
Re: I think I'd rather a robot went up my rectum
We're so lucky to get free fisting on the NHS in this country!
The effing cheek!
I would not work for anybody who wanted to log into my private accounts - absolutely no chance even if I was starving. The effing cheek!
If I am ever asked this in an interview I will laugh in their face. "You seriously think I am stupid enough to tell you my private log in details? Well in that case we have clearly established that I am over qualified for this position, I bid you good-day."
Re: No, LinkOfHyrule.
Damn, I've been doing it wrong. I better get me some of those new fangled teledildonic devices.
Actually joking aside, the internet did result in me having the best sex ever, its how I met my other half.
Internet sex is just a wank and a webcam. I tried it once but caught a virus, win.clap.exe
I saw that show - the faked eggs seemed way too far fetched - so being China it was probably totally true!
Re: Open your mind!
I had to scroll past about 25 comments to find this gem! And no, you are not the first person to think that - but are you like me, also thinking about three-breasted women?
I'm up-voting yo' ass! To Mars!!!!
Portsmouth TV - All the FAIL that's local to you
I had the (mis)fortune of being able to receive one of the old analogue local channels ten years ago - Portsmouth TV.
A days typical viewing...
8am-11am rebroadcasts of QVC - at some time around 11am the schedule changes to an hour of rebroadcasting Sky News - behold as before your eyes you witness the on screen display of the digibox that Portsmouth TV uses to receives these channels flashes up on screen during a live on air feed change! Slick presentation guys!
12pm-4pm - a live feed of one of the city councils traffic cameras showing a road - ground-breaking stuff! - well it would be if there happened to be some navies digging up the road to lay a cable!
4pm-4.15pm - locally made programs - an ultra low budget children's show staring a puppet rescued from an Oxfam shop and a female media studies student talking shite.
4.15-5pm - local show about the lives of people in Portsmouth - "I live in a tower block and my granddad used to be in the navy" - that sort of thing.
5pm-6pm - An hour of local news - lost cats, updates on previously lost cats and interviews with people who live in tower blocks about their granddad's life in the navy.
6pm - 11pm Prime Time - more rebroadcasts of QVC and Sky News, complete with live on air digibox reboots.
11pm - 8am Repeat all of the above for the few hours but in a different order and replace the kids show with a locally produced "high brow" studio discussion show produced by drunk students from Portsmouth Uni.
So the government think this sort of shit is a good idea do they? And they expect the BBC to buy some of the locally made programmes? The beeb need to set up a new channel then called "BBC Total Fucking Shite"... wait hang on, thats BBC1 aint it.
Paris, 'cus she's a big fan of Portsmouth TV, it inspired her career.
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- PROOF the Apple iPhone 6 rumor mill hype-gasm has reached its logical conclusion