1509 posts • joined Friday 11th December 2009 10:15 GMT
Re: What a lovely end to the perfect night.
You should be assuming anyone you pick up is completely riddled with all sorts and play safe. Slap a johnny on and you're good to go. If things get serious at a later stage, you can both go and get tested, if something is a miss, the clap clinic will sort you out. The good thing about HIV these days is that even if your partner did have the virus, by being on anti retroviral drugs, he/she will be barely infectious through intercourse so even if a johnny broke, you're probably okay. They even have post exposure drugs you can take now, as long as you start taking them within about 36-48 hours they will normally kill of any HIV that came yoru way.
Anyway, you then of course can get married, have kids and live a long and happy life together. These days the life expectancy for someone with HIV in the west is about 2 years less than normal, not the 5 years if you're lucky go cash in that pension, like it was in the 80's and 90s.. And yes, if your HIV positive partner is a woman, she can have your children and thanks to the drugs we now have, the chance of the baby being born positive will be less than 1%.
Get some bloody johnnies for crying out loud!
Paris for obvious reasons!
This employee is now 'always on' the dole, that's the world we now live in and I'm sorry but I don't get the drama.
Re: lap-top landing
But then again, I bet it happens all the time with Predator Drones!
Love that pic on the WeExchange site
If you buy some bit coin, you too could be happy and in love and have stupid hats!
Re: Manchester Style
That's the best one! It made an appearance just a few weeks ago on the El Reg user forums in fact.
I wasn't too sure she was actually smoking or not, either that or she is pointing to the nearby railway viaducts and telling the punter an interesting yarn about Manchester's fine railway and industrial heritage! I guess when you work in an area surrounded by so much history you start to take an interest!
Re: Why don't you...
You could go to one of those parks that do open air Shakespeare plays in the summer and put on your own show - open-air Corrie, Come Dine With Me and Gok Wang's 'get ya badboys out' How to Look Good Naked! I think this would be a great idea, it will add culture to the area and will gain you a reputation as one of the South East's more interesting up-and-coming Am Dram production companies!
WTF! STOP ABUSING YR POSITION GOOGLE LOL ;-)
Re: Teletext & Ceefax @LinkOfHyrule
hehe I was just thinking to myself, if I had the coding skill, I'd knock up an app or a website called "El Text" the teletext version of the Register. The average Andrew Orlowski article would probably run to 70 sub pages though and I'm not sure how flattering the forum icon for Paris would be having to be made from blocky magenta pixels either!
Someone please make this, it would be cool!
It reminds me of good old Teletext - that had a blink function too!
Someone should invent some HTML or CSS to reveal hidden text in quiz games and to make the screen double in size. Sod it just give all pages on the internet page numbers and then invent a <HOLD> tag - I miss the days when looking up Easter holiday railway engineering works involved taking half an hour out of your day and anxiously waiting for the right moment to press the hold button and having failed to do so, meant another half an hour of waiting for the page to come back round again!
Oh Mali not Mail
I misread the headline - I thought you were saying the Daily Mail were giving away free domain names! I thought for a moment this was a news story about some new scheme to create a virtual online version of middle England or something!
I dont know why the fuck I got some thumbs down, I said something very tame and not at all nasty about her - I must be getting it from both sides, I'm not a bloody lib dem you know, jeeze!
Re: Sadly, the under 40s
I'm only 29 but I do remember my grandparents having still into the 90s a hardwired phone with a big ass dial on it, connected up to a little box on the skirting board with probably "GPO" moulded into it!
This is of course the reason why they used to use the old acoustic couplers isint it!!
I'm not a Thatcher fan but yeah, maybe if it wasnt for her, you might be using broadband couplers to get online with your fondle slabs! Maybe someone should make an App in her honour - all it does is play her famous line "The lady's not for turning" whenever you turn the tablet to one side!
Paris because she's a lady who certainly does turn!
hehe I remember that too but I assume i'm remembering from the time when the older kids had already had their milk snatched as this was at nursery - they had these ickle cute toddler sized glass milk bottles and you'd plonk a blue plastic straw through the cap.
I remember the girls at school would sign in the playground "Margaret Thatcher, throw her up and catch her"!
Apparently though, she can't be turned! So I guess you had to be careful!
We are writing to you to inform you that the digital bits you borrowed from us on the 22nd of Jan 2013 are now two months overdue. As a result, you have occurred a late fee of £1,000,000 (ONE MILLION DOLLAR POUNDS).
We would kindly urge you to return the due bits to your nearest interwebz tubez or WiFi access point and transfer all fees owed to your local library via Western Union Money Transfer as soon as possible.
Surrey County Council Libraries department
Pics or didnt happen!
I want to see the room full of tiny telly aerials!
someone lying in bed to a scene of a pig relaxing in a dog basket
What did they nab pig for? Was he "double porked?"
We've had some good times together me and this old 'puter.
We've been through the same ups and downs as most couples - random blue-screens of death due to a dodgy video card driver, updates that took half a day in order fix more holes than a chuck of Swiss cheese, that annoying "doo-dong" sound it makes when you plug a USB device in, being accused of owning a pirated copy the operating system for no reason... ah memories!
I'm thinking of holding a funeral - maybe plonk my Windows XP install disc in a shoe box, dig a hole in the garden and lower the coffin down to the sound of the Windows XP shut-down jingle! I won't wear black, XP was a colourful chap and would rather we all celebrate its life by wearing the most garish green, blue and orange clobber we have available!
I might make it a headstone out of a 2008 vintage netbook, just have it poking out the earth to mark the spot so that well wishers can pay homage. *sobs*
"Folks who want porn can buy an Android phone."
The reason he said that was not because he has anything against porn, but because the iPhone is not seamen resistant!
Re: And what happened to the kid that got showered in money by Yahoo?
I think he's spending Easter round Stephen's. I hope he likes Twinings 'cus it's the only thing to drink round there!
Are you a total jerk? Your dress sense makes you look like a douche?
Chuck E. Cheese is now hiring and wants YOU to come and join us in one of many dynamic and exciting roles in our food creation and hygiene technician departments!
Paying for El Reg
I'd want a free gift, a El Reg tea mug or a wall calender with 12 of the best pics from the Playmobile reconstruction series, or something Paris-y at least!
Automated Google Van!
I can just imagine them flying down residential streets, bouncing violently over speed bumps and killing small children trying to cross the road as they rush deliveries of organic vegetables and the latest iWhatever to "trendy" people! No doubt they'll have cameras on them too so that Google can upgrade Streetview to be "real-time" and will probably hack passing wifi connections too I should think! And any passing pedestrians will be scanned and entered into the database of "Google Stalk" as well, which will be handy I'm sure!
I wish we could use three icons on posts, this one is definitely a "joke alert", a "your foster parents are dead" with a splattering of "big brother is watching you"!
I did my own version of this once...
Except I substituted the salesman/slime mould for Paris and nightclubs with VIP lounges with "seedy reputations" in a large world class capital city, represented the cities that needed visiting! It worked a treat and we got some good results, though it cost a fortune in chauffeur driven limos and we needed to have a "clean-up crew" on standby at all times!
Re: Tech company condoms
Oh yes, I can just imagine they would! The branding would look quite cool too I reckon with the vulture logo on the packet and a striking red design that's bound to stand out on any chemist's shelves!
I'm pleased to hear I win the internet too, I did start wondering that obviously I have too much time on my hands to have written that, it's good to know I'm making a difference! lol
Tech company condoms
iSheath - it's shiny, the packet has rounded corners, very well made, but too expensive for the third world.
Linux French Letters - it's free and open so you can never be sure who has used it before hand!
Windows For Love Makers 3.11 - Industry standard but very unreliable - best to use it with a third party spermicide.
Raspberry Pi-dom - Very affordable and extremely flexible but in order to cut costs there's no foil wrapper!
Java Johnnies - These have been recalled due to their poor viral resilience!
Adobe Ultra Sensitive - Thin and unreliable - used to be popular about a decade ago but rapidly declining in usage.
El Reg Rubber Ticklers - Strong premium quality latex with strategically placed pleasure notches. 8 out of 10 sex workers recommend them! or for the more demanding customer...
El Reg Paris Extra Safe - An Industrial grade prophylactic that's been clinically proven to provide the highest level of protection for the more adventurous consumer with a riskier lifestyle. You can rely on the El Reg Paris range of condoms for piece of mind no matter how debauched things get!
They spend more than that annually on lava-lamps!
Concrete council tower blocks are a girl's best friend!
The good thing about this is that dead hedgehogs you find on the street are normally flat so whoever finds it wont even have to stump up for Parcel Force to send it in. They can just stuff it in an A4 envelope, plonk on a couple of second classes and its good to go!
A bit of Blue for the dads!
Windows Blue - the sexy new operating system from Microsoft!
Get down and dirty with touchy-feely tiles, fondle about in the dark trying to find the desktop and squeal with delight at our new improved USB3 drivers that make inserting a small plug round the back an electrifying experience!
Available for download from microsoft.xxx or grab a physical copy which includes a free bottle of "Clippy Poppers" from all good licensed sex shops!
Re: The ads don't work
Sorry, but the title of your post reminded me of a song...
"The ads don't work,
They just make you worst,
And I know I'll see your face again" hahaha
Joking aside, how long will it be till these advertising dudes come up with vocal changing "solutions" to change the lyrics of well known songs in real time in order to flog us sugar water and other crap?
Re: They forgot to mention that "Highlights in the History of Concrete"
I would like to "reinforce" the above statement!
I did wonder why there was scaffolding outside with a big sign on it saying...
Napalm Death Demolition LTD.
Re: Effectively another "cloud" failure.
I agree. Ebay or Amazon or anything similar for that matter, should be treated as a "bit on the side" business opportunity. It's too much of a risk to rely upon some huge mega cloud corporation for your humble business selling second-hand china tea cups with Beatrix Potter animals painted on them! The days when ebay was the saviour of small mail order businesses are long gone if you ask me, Now its all about squeezing as much from sellers as possible and if it goes on the wonk for a bit - fuck ya!
Re: Local Heroes
It was indeed, but that dude had some dodgy taste in Lycra!
This is a good idea by El Reg - maybe you could develop the idea further into a best-selling travel guide - something like - "Reg Round Blighty - by J. R. Paris"
Make and model lol
"The British company and the PSF locked horns"
Don't you mean - "They tried to squeeze the shit out of each other"!
Re: Oh! —you mean *actual* tadpoles
Me too! I was expecting this story to have been filed under "Fertility" but then again El Reg doesn't have a section for bun in the oven tech does it! I should have known!
oops edited 'cos I cant spell "Fertility"
Crapline.com eh? Not so much a social network more of a rival to Direct Line insurance or maybe Greenline coaches - I could imagine Crapline would do a roaring trade on the busy Bracknell-Slough-Heathrow-London route!
Back on topic - shitter.sh/it could work marketing wise as the homepage. It's poetic too as its a shit with a slash midway through!
Go for it I say! I promise to sign up and spread the shit amoung my friends and family! I think you're on to a winner here! Looking forward to being one of your first "shitizens"!
Re: Beer, because at 1p off, why not?
You forgot "Soggy Shoe Syndrome" caused of course by accidentally pissing all over your feet while intoxicated!
Re: Don't forget the beer.
I just heard on the news that 1p off the pint might be illegal under EU rules as it discriminates against the wine industry!
I think the other old adage about not being able to organise certain things in a brewery is actually true!
Mines the one with 1p at the bottom of the glass that I nearly choked on!
Re: I'm gonna start up my own social network
Now that's the social network for me!
I suggest a brown colour scheme and the logo should be a cartoon turd. Instead of "tweets" you could have "farts" and instead of the so called "fire hose" you should have the "Shitter sewer overflow".
If they do sue and you don't have the money to fight it - negotiate with them to buy you out - they could merge the two services together and create "Bird Shit" - the social network that drops 160 character messages directly on your head from the cloud!
send messages that don't have specific recipients
Junkmail in other words!
Roman goddess of physical health or door hinges
Sorry to go off topic but I just wanted to say, I worship her often. The ceremony involves copious amounts of 3-in-one oil!
Those google signs LMAO
I don't know why but they are just inherently funny! They remind me a little of those little balloon shaped markers you get on google maps! Maybe somewhere in the crowd there's a little orange chappy who's job is something to do with streetview?
He's actually doing a dot to dot. I'm not very good at ASCII Art but it's sort of this shape: 8== - - - -
I have watched Red Dwarf of course...
...but I have only ever watched the last three minuets of Hollyoaks - I'm sure other fans of Channel Four News will know the feeling!
Paris because I'm pretty sure she is an extra in Hollyoaks!
totally off topic this but funny!
To rude did not read
"Shrink their semis" - my first thought was a small building divided into two houses and my second thought... well lets just say, trust the Register to deliver tech news with knobs on!