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* Posts by LinkOfHyrule

1678 posts • joined 11 Dec 2009

Privacy snafu as TOPLESS Mark Zuckerberg picture leaks online

LinkOfHyrule

apart from the grass obviously!

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LinkOfHyrule
Stop

Oh yeah and in case I get accused of being homophobic - I am actually am gay and was actually just joking that the party venue looks a little like a down-market gay sauna.

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LinkOfHyrule
Joke

I've been to that gay bathhouse!

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Microsoft: It was never 'Metro,' it was always 'Modern UI'

LinkOfHyrule
Joke

I don't know about all MS staff but...

I have it on very good authority that actually, Ballmer does indeed sit down at the end of everyday and peruse these very forums while enjoying a lovely glass of Buckfast tonic wine and a hand rolled Old Holborn cigarette. He's a very refined man, clearly!

Hi Steve!

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LinkOfHyrule
WTF?

Modern UI eh?

The 1960s council towerblock estate of UI do they mean?

Is Windows 9 going to have post-modern UI with exposed pipework all over the screen like the Lloyds building?

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AntiLeaks group claim responsibility for WikiLeaks attacks

LinkOfHyrule
Paris Hilton

I remember once accidentally smashing a hole in the ground that sort of wrecked an ant's nest - talk about an AntyLeak they were bloody spewing out everywhere!

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Google to skew search results to punish PIRATES

LinkOfHyrule

Well if this actually makes much difference, I'm sure sites like filestube won't be complaining. I also wonder if firing off a load of dodgy copyright complaints to google will become the latest SEO technique!

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Chinese man's six-ton balls save lives

LinkOfHyrule
Joke

A mate of mine works for TaylorWoodrowBarretWimpeyArsePipes the house builders, and he is reliably informed that the company is importing 300 of these balls for a new development! They will be sticking a slate roof and uPVC conservatory on each of them and then dumping them in the middle of the athletes village to form part of the regenerated East London's Olympic legacy!

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Microsoft: It's not Metro, it's Windows 8

LinkOfHyrule
Facepalm

Someone should send a cameraman into Redmond and film the Windows 8 development team at work - once it's over, package the footage up into thirty minuet episodes and market it as a spin off from "The Thick of It", as judging from what little information does spill its way out from there it sounds like its a right farce inside! Plus I can just imagine Ballmer going all Malcolm Tucker!

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Oooh-la-la! 'iPhone 5' bares all, strokes tiny nano-SIM in pics

LinkOfHyrule
Coat

Slave Identity Module

You gave us precise measurements for these new-fangled SIMs but no mention of whether they have sharp or rounded corners?!

Mines the one with a nano-SIM in the pocket...somewhere!

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Snap suggests Apple out to 'screw' hardware hackers

LinkOfHyrule
Pint

New name for diehard Apple lovers...

I suggest we call them "Apple Victims"

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LinkOfHyrule

Product marketing diversification opportunity...

Bic should package both the lighter and Biro together and sell them in B&Q shouldn't they!

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LinkOfHyrule
Happy

NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

I love all the Apple stories, 'cus they're a nice easy piss taking target for my crap jokes about rounded rectangles and I have literally got about 1,000 upvotes to 50 downvotes thanks to our fruity friends! I think that speaks for itself!

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LinkOfHyrule
FAIL

realise not release lol

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LinkOfHyrule
Joke

LMAO if they did do that, Microsoft might have the bright idea of making a custom screw for the xbox - in the shape of an X - and not release their balls-up until after the press releases and patent applications have been sent out!

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LinkOfHyrule
WTF?

If this aint fake, then why didn't they invent a screwhead in the shape of their very own apple logo? Or even better, they should have invented the turtle-necked screw!

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Deadly pussies kill more often than owners think

LinkOfHyrule
Holmes

Who did this research again? The University of the Fucking Obvious?

Cats kill small animals - its what they do, it says so on the tin etc - DUH!

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Amazon Kindle Touch Wi-Fi eBook reader review

LinkOfHyrule
Joke

outputs a 16-level greyscale

Does that mean this ebook reader is not compatible with the literary masterpiece that is Fifty Shades of Grey then?

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Apple, Amazon, close password door after horse bolts

LinkOfHyrule
Joke

This is how it actually happened!

Ring ring

"Hello banking customer services, how may I help you?"

"Hi, it's Kylie here, you know, Kylie Minogue!"

"Can I have your account number and password please..."

"Urm I can't actually remember my password as I am just so busy being Australia's best loved female solo artist - can I sing I Should be so Lucky to you instead to prove I am who I say I am?"

*Presses play on CD player*

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Virgin Media punters stung in mobile data bill cock-up

LinkOfHyrule
Joke

Bloody hell!

If they charge £1.99 for 0Kb I wonder how much a gigabyte costs using the same rate?

*gets calculator*

Bloody hell I make that infinite pounds and infinite pence! I'm glad I'm not a Virginyte as I don't think I could manage a repayment plan for a debt that steep!

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Microsoft retracts staffer's 'new Xbox' comment

LinkOfHyrule
Paris Hilton

I think they should do away with the product name xbox altogether - it's an absolute disgusting name I mean seriously it sounds like "ex's box" eeewwww!

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Office for ARM will lack features, report claims

LinkOfHyrule
Joke

ARM chips just cant handle the awesomeness of Visual Basic for Applications!

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Cloud backup drama: Mozy kicks Carbonite after ASA's had a go

LinkOfHyrule
Joke

I'm making a complaint to the ASA...

...about the 90s Dutch Eurodance band 2Unlimited - if you ask me they are both very limited in terms of talent and in terms of what constitutes an actual band of musicians! I'm expecting it to be fully upheld!

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Facebook touts gambling to 'responsible' Brits

LinkOfHyrule

real money gaming is a popular leisure activity in the UK

real money gaming is a popular way to piss away your family's income in the UK, if you are so desperate to do it you need it on facebook.

Corrected it for them

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Devon NHS trust left data of 1,373 staff online for MONTHS

LinkOfHyrule
Paris Hilton

Re: Sensitive?

I always put my sexuality as MILF curious

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HSBC brands EVERY Apple iPhone 'an insecure PC'

LinkOfHyrule
Joke

Re: And this comes

No, it's the world's local money laundering bank!

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Microsoft opens app store for Office 2013

LinkOfHyrule
Joke

I'm writing a new app for Office - it's a backwards compatibility plug-in to make Word97 macro viruses run in the latest version of MS Word! It's called Retrovirus!

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Woz: Cloud computing trend is 'horrendous'

LinkOfHyrule
Coffee/keyboard

it'd be easier than wiping your arse.

That made me lol as I can just imagine a new marketing slogan - "Linux Servers - Easier than wiping your arse" and a little picture of that penguin dude holding a bog-roll!

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LinkOfHyrule
Joke

Says something negative about Steam...

Why the hell did they name the thing after an East 17 song? What the heck is that all about? I assume the Gabe dude is a fan of theirs!

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LinkOfHyrule
Happy

it begins with 'C' and ends in 'sucker'...

Hahahaha it's true I tell thee!

These firefox boys think of everything! You'd never get that in MS word unless some programmer hid it in hex amongst a load of C code!

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MetroPCS waves wand, turns Samsung Galaxy mobe into a TV

LinkOfHyrule
Joke

Imagine if Sinclair were still knocking about - they would have totally already made this phone!

Oh I would love a SpecPhone - Android ported to the Zialog Z80, membrane touch-screen making use of flexible e-ink technology, built in PAL/Freeview tuner with long telescopic aerial, pocket sized thermal printer add-on, powered by non standard sized button cells and Microdrive data storage - it would kick arse! The ringtones would suck though with that poor quality and inflexible built in beep!

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God-botherers burst onto IPTV Freeview: The End is Nigh

LinkOfHyrule
Coffee/keyboard

Re: A quick heads up

Satanist - "thought for the day" lol

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LinkOfHyrule
Happy

Re: @Ledswinger

I remember in the late 80s even still, BBC2 used to close down for a little 10 minuet snooze with some shit Jazz music in the afternoons before Finger Mouse came on!

"that ghastly programme with Esther Rantzen...."

Which one dude? Everything she was in sucked hard! Actually the best thing she ever did was that advert for Ambulance Chasing Lawyers Direct - dozy mare ends up doing an advert for exactly the sort of company she spent years campaigning against - duh!

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LinkOfHyrule
Devil

Re: A quick heads up

Don't worry guys, the "fall lineup" as they call it over in NY and Hollywood is kick ass - literally, we have a show about kicking donkeys - part of a series called "Animals Hospitalised"

Also look out for our glitzy new talent show - "The Hex Factor" it goes a bit whitcrafty but our sponsors (an infomercial for a motivational self-help audiobook on cassette tape) insisted we widen the demographic a bit!

It's really exciting times for us, we even have our own miniature version of BBC TV Centre - its basically the same thing except it's in a small light industrial unit it Chigwell!

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LinkOfHyrule
Joke

A quick heads up

Just to let you all know, my new show "Piss Pot Makeover" is starting tonight at 9PM on GoatSlaughter TV - the new Satanist channel on Freeview HD!

Check it out, this week I will be wrapping a late Victorian era porcelain chamber pot with some offcuts of cheap textured wallpaper and also showing you how to snazz up a 1980s vintage plastic hospital bedpan!

I bet BBC1 are shitting themselves! I better send them one of my props!

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France's biggest Apple reseller shuts up shop

LinkOfHyrule
Joke

Can they not bat for other side and re-brand as "le pc worldé" or something?

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Wikipedia collapses threatening the very fabric of civilisation

LinkOfHyrule
FAIL

Re: It's actually quite good for...

Loads faster not loads fester - duh I FAIL lol Fitting considering the topic of discussion.

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LinkOfHyrule

It's actually quite good for...

...typing in the name of a movie and scrolling down to the subheading named "critical reception" - it loads fester than the other movie review websites, you can be in and out in less than 5 seconds if you just want to quickly know if something on Netflix sucks or not!

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For flock's sake: Scared sheep send SMSes to Swiss shepherds

LinkOfHyrule
Joke

baa out loud!

This gives me an idea for a new SMS adult service - chat live to bored sheep! X-rated woollen action! 09069 69CHOPS - £1 per text plus standard network rate.

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Size does matter: Outlook.com punters want meatier passwords

LinkOfHyrule
Joke

Joke alert

I got a spam email yesterday in my new outlook.com email inbox - it said...

"Worried, embarrassed, ashamed of the length of your password? Your password length fails to impress her? Feeling inadequate next to that fat nerdy dude in the IT office?....." etc

Then it went on trying to flog me "herbal password extenders!"

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Watchdog sets rules on ad-slinging in vid-streaming services

LinkOfHyrule
Paris Hilton

Can they please introduce a "stop showing ads for stuff I'm never going to buy in a million years" rule too? I remember a couple of years ago one VOD site that managed to evade my ad-blocker used to show me adverts for ladies shampoo a lot - I am not a bird I am a bloke! I don't care about split ends lol and so much for targeted advertising! Maybe they can program the flash player to overlay a message saying - "oi, mate, buy beer instead!" that would probably work!

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Apple plans extended iPad display through 'Smart Covers'

LinkOfHyrule
Paris Hilton

I can't wait to buy a knitted apple laptop

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Microsoft dumps Metro from Windows 8

LinkOfHyrule

Re: "It's not a Metro Lyn, it's a Rover 100!"

You've actually inadvertently made a really important point - Windows 8 is actually so bad, Allan Partridge will now start using a Mac! And he's the sort of dude who'd have thought Windows ME was the best OS ever...

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LinkOfHyrule
Joke

Re: Wow

I actually need to post nasty comments about MS for "technical legal reasons" - it's part of my remit to be seen as a beacon of impartiality. I've slagged Apple so much for their rounded rectangles that its only proper I slag MS for their very much non rounded rectangles too!

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LinkOfHyrule
Joke

I've got it...

Windows 8 | Judgement Day

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Airline leaves customer on hold for 15 hours

LinkOfHyrule
Joke

I think after 5 minuets of being on hold to any company, a message should kick in offering you the chance to press 1 and hear some free recorded phone sex stories to help relieve the stress while you're waiting! Then again, customers would start moaning, and possibly groaning too, when they're taken off hold, especially at the crucial moment!

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New target for 419 fraudsters: Struggling 'weak' banks

LinkOfHyrule
Joke

Might as well just merg the banks with the scammers old friend

NatWestern Union | Bank & Money Transfer

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Blame crap mobe apps for swap-by-bonk hacks, say NFC bods

LinkOfHyrule
Joke

At this rate, we will have scammers bonking into people on packed rush hour commuter trains.

Network Rail will have to run a public safety poster campaign - Beware of Bonkers!

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Facebook: 83 million IMPOSTERS stalk our network

LinkOfHyrule
Coffee/keyboard

Re: People still own cats?

Analogue cats! Upvoted!

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