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* Posts by LinkOfHyrule

1678 posts • joined 11 Dec 2009

BT doles out measly 2GB to customers in Dropbox-alike BT Cloud

LinkOfHyrule
Happy

Re: I claim prior art, see above.

But I came up with the sexy marketing and the cool name - yeah I should have read the full thread first but coming as I do from the Dragon's Den school of business - I didn't bother with any research or due diligence.

Okay me and my business partner partner/handler will let you in on the deal if you give us £2500,000 for 10% of the company - you in or out?

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LinkOfHyrule
Joke

Re: Now here's an idea:

They might do, see my post further down! but keep ssshhh! about it ;o)

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LinkOfHyrule
Joke

I'm setting up a rival service!

Me and some "strategic partners" are setting up GCloud-HQ!

It offers "government approved security" features and a BT's ball busting 2.5GB of free storage space! Perfect for storing pictures of your cats, confidential business documents or intimate details of your sordid sex life! And not only that, but we promise to keep your data for ever, you know, just in case we, urm I mean you, need it at some point in the future - for example as evidence in a court case etc.

Remember folks - GCloud-HQ for all your personal data storage needs!

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It's the software, stupid: Samsung Galaxy Gear smartwatch bags big apps

LinkOfHyrule
Flame

Re: £20 toaster will have 256GB of RAM and an 80-core processor

A processor that powerful would double up as the heating element - or to put it another way - the bread is the heatsink!

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Ministry of Sound sues Spotify over user playlists

LinkOfHyrule
Mushroom

Re: Reckon I'll copyright the sound of my farts.

In the UK, if you record yourself farting into a microphone, you will own the copyright of that recording. Like wise if you recorded me farting, you'd still own the sound recording copyright.

If you went one stage further and farted out an original melody, you'd own not just the sound recording copyright, but the copyright of the fart based musical work too!

Or something like that! It's complicated and I'm not dull enough to understand it completely - I think the laws about music and copyright were written to screw the artist - or in this case, the fartist!

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Walkie Scorchie Death Ray.

LinkOfHyrule
Joke

Re: Walkie Scorchie Death Ray.

Those people who crash cars deliberately in order to sue for whiplash. Here's an idea for you - go stand where that car was parked and then you could sue instead for having a scorched arse!

I hope it burns like a combination of piles and a Colman's mustard enema!

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Xbox One launch date REVEALED - and it's on the 360's birthday

LinkOfHyrule
Joke

you can get close to it, making the new Kinect more suitable for cramped apartment living rooms

Well the NSA were actually quite pissed off that the old version wouldn't work properly in Julian Assange's bedsit so I'm not surprised they re-jigged it!

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Twitter just got sh**tier: Natter emitter hit by code critter, fritters web glitter

LinkOfHyrule

Great headline - almost as long as the story!

Civilisation will probably end if they dont fix this.

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MPs blocked from ogling 'web smut' 300,000 times – WHILE IN PARLIAMENT

LinkOfHyrule
Coffee/keyboard

Why are they blocking the porn there?

If my local MP wants to wank himself silly in the privacy of the plush Westminster bog cubicals then I am jolly well all for it!

Anything to save me from having to look at those glum sexually frustrated backbencher faces every time I tune in for some PMQs!

Messy escape key for obvious reasons!

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Microsoft - do you really think you can take on Google with Nokia?

LinkOfHyrule
Joke

The best thing Microsoft could do is bring back Clippy and put him on £5 Nokia feature phones...

"I see you're trying to make a phone call - would you like any help with that?"

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Tat bazaar eBay takes a rest for 'scheduled maintenance', goes offline

LinkOfHyrule
Paris Hilton

Re: tech version of The Sun

El Reg has better jugs though!

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Happy birthday MIDI 1.0: Getting pop stars wired for 30 years

LinkOfHyrule

Great article!

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ULTIMATE cuppa contenders prepare to go mug-to-mug

LinkOfHyrule
Happy

Re: 12 Contenders - No, No only 11

This is worst then that blooming horse-meat scandal if you ask me! I think the media needs to investigate at once! I'm looking forward to seeing gormless BBC News reporters spending two months of their lives standing aimlessly outside the Twinings factory with nothing to say but the bloody obvious until it's all forgotten about!

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LinkOfHyrule
Happy

Re: Background

I have this recollection of accidentally watching some really naff 7pm BBC1 "consumer" telly show back in 1997 presented by *shudders* Vanessa Feltz, in which they rolled out some elderly cockneys to do a tea taste test just like this - the overriding winner - Tesco Value Tea Bags!!!??!!!

I am of coursed scared for life by watching Mrs Feltz in full slurping action but that aside, it has given me the idea that maybe El-Reg should launch it's very own LOHAN consumer lifestyle YouTube channel showing similarly naff shows, minus gobby blond lady?!

Think 'You and Yours' but with no over simplifications of internet technologies and instead, actual pictures and puns!

I can just see it now, the gleaming Vulture rosette heartily slapped on to a prize-winning, steaming, well used and totally spent, soggy bag!....

.....but enough about Mrs Feltz!

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LinkOfHyrule

Twinings Everyday

"New from Twinings - an everyday tea suitable for tradesmen and guests you are not too fond of!"

I have four of those brews in my cupboard - I can't decide which I like best, I just alternate week to week or cup to cup often depending on the special offer status of said brew!

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Cameron demands Brits BOYCOTT angry-troll-infested websites

LinkOfHyrule

Bit rich coming from a politician - they basically troll the heck out of each other in parliament day in day out (apart from all those days off they have of course!)

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Blogs with 'weakest of the weak' passwords hijacked for bot army

LinkOfHyrule
Joke

Fort Disco is named after one of the strings found in the executable metadata field

Really? I could have sworn it was name of the military themed 70s night at our local gay bar!

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Yahoo! announces! plan! to! change! logo! 30! times! this! month!

LinkOfHyrule
Joke

The Web Portal Formally Know As Yahoo!

They partly and design websites like its still bloody 1999!

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Can't agree on a coding style? Maybe the NEW YORK TIMES can help

LinkOfHyrule

Re: VALGOL

Everything I say as joke on these forums this week turns out to be true! First it was hackable smart toilets and now Paris based programming languages!

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LinkOfHyrule
Paris Hilton

Dont dis El Reg!

I use their new Objective Paris language for all my programming needs!

IF (!fucked_up) 8=={

Return ReallyRudy_greatSuck-cess;

}==8

It's a bit messy in places but sort of gets the job done - I think they are using it for the new digital dole cue system too!

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Horrific moment curvy mum-of-none Mail Online spills everyone's data

LinkOfHyrule

Re: @linkofhyrule

Please don't dis me for my 'there' 'their' and 'they're' screw ups - I do that on on many posts I make here but most of the time mange to use the edit post facility to fix them. This topic seems to be set to moderated by default (for obvious reasons!) and as such the edit function isn't available. If you want to blame someone, don't blame me, blame terrorists, asylum seekers or paedophiles!

By the way I do not hate middle class people either! This isint a class issue, its a shit choice of newspaper issue!

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LinkOfHyrule

Dunno, guess a lot of people really hate the Daily Mail or something! The funny thing is though those of us that do all visit the site for a good giggle now and then and no doubt some folk like looking at celeb ass their too - no wonder their so well read!

"The Register has very kindly done the legwork for the Mail by passing on the details of the blunder to the ICO"

That's jolly nice of you!

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End of an era as Firefox bins 'blink' tag

LinkOfHyrule
Joke

Meeeoooww Meeeeooowwwww *claw claw claw* MEEEOOOWWWW!

Schrodinger what the eff are you on about? That cat is definitely alive!

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Lumpy milk and exploding yoghurt? Your fridge could be riddled with MALWARE

LinkOfHyrule
Joke

Re: Milk from the shops

I need to urgently point something out - it was more of a rucksck on wheels - think bloody students going home on a packed Cross Country train type luggage, as aposed to an old granny shopper! I just need to clear that up, my reputation is at stake here!

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LinkOfHyrule
Joke

Re: Milk from the shops

Why are my milk buying habits such a big story on here today!

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LinkOfHyrule
Facepalm

Re: Just better hope the fridge doesn't have Bluetooth as well

You beat me to it!

i really must remember to check the thread to avoid saying things other have already said!

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LinkOfHyrule

Re: Milk from the shops

I will stick to online thank you. Unless the government filter out buying milk online because it comes out of breasts so it's deemed to be pornography! No doubt I will be marked down by GCHQ as a lactation fetishist into bestiality!

I've done the trolley business, it made me feel old (not that I have anything against that) but I'm only in my twenties, I felt a bit uncool to be honest! I would love an electric wheelchair they are awesome but I'm not disabled enough. A friend of mine has let me have a go on his mobility scooter in the past and it reminded me of the dodgems but it is still not as cool as a powered wheelchair! And why are mobility scooters always painted that horrid burgundy colour?

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LinkOfHyrule
WTF?

Re: My own post earlier about bogs getting hacked!

It's already happened - I found this on BBC news *spits*

"A luxury toilet controlled by a smartphone app is vulnerable to attack, according to security experts."

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/technology-23575249

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LinkOfHyrule
Gimp

Re: But it's the *future*

The cucumbers I get swing both ways - I'm not complaining!

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LinkOfHyrule
Happy

Re: Milk from the shops

Actually it is quite hard - milk is pretty heavy for me to carry (I love it, I get through a fair bit!) and the shops are twenty minuets walk away and I don't have a car. There is a milk bloke I hear tinkering about in the middle of the night but he's a bit pricey - probably because he doesn't screw farmers! Then again, he might do, its totally his business what he gets up to in bed (or the cowshed!)

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LinkOfHyrule
Happy

Re: Tin foil hat time

I already shop online so Tesco already know how much milk I drink. The online fridge is a totally stupid idea. I could argue why but I cant really be bothered, well okay a little then. It will have to be made law to connect fridges to the net for any of these crazy schemes that companies and spy agencies might have to actually work. But what are you going to do if people dont comply - lock them up for not connecting their crappy BEKO to their router! hahaha

Silly idea that comes up every few months for the past 15-20 years this one. Some old houses still have their larders, I guess people who don't have a fridge will be terrorists!

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LinkOfHyrule

I've already solved this problem

Don't connect the fridge up to the internet! I'm sure we will cope.

Personally I'm more worried about a future internet connected toilet going wrong - you hear the bloody thing flushing and back firing in the middle of the night so you turn to your other half in bed and say "Bloody hackers in the toilet again!" and then have to phone "Dial-a-Rod Internet Security Services" to get the bloody thing fixed!

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They don't recognise us as HUMAN: Disability groups want CAPTCHAs killed

LinkOfHyrule
Joke

I tried joining the thought police...

...I did really well in the exams until we got to the "mind captcha" as they call it - totally failed at that one!

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Jimbo Wales: ISP smut blocking systems simply 'ridiculous'

LinkOfHyrule
Happy

Re: @LinkOfHyrule

Well it would be if it wasnt for this bloody internet filter!

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LinkOfHyrule
Coffee/keyboard

Re: @LinkOfHyrule

Bloody hell I literally just laughed, chocked, cried and almost vomited and soiled myself to death at the thought of that! Which is probably the sort of thing these anti porn lot would be into seeing me do!

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LinkOfHyrule
Joke

These anti porn people are hot - I'm inspired to open up a porno site devoted to middle England moany types - they really get me going! Bet they are all secretly gagging for it, bound to be they're so repressed!

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Peter Capaldi named as 12th Doctor Who

LinkOfHyrule
Joke

Re: I haven't watched Doctor Who since I was a kid ...

Loose Women - with Malcolm Tucker

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LinkOfHyrule
Paris Hilton

Re: Malcolm Tucker's vocabulary!

If only! If they did I would actually watch the show. A time travelling Tucker with a sweary sonic screwdriver would be fuckity brilliant!

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Chubby-chasing SEX TROLLS ran me offline, says fashion blogger

LinkOfHyrule
Meh

Yep I did - normal people like this plumper fashion blogger don't know what rule 34 is. Also a bit of context to help put it into perspective helps - so yes a paragraph indeed!

For my next act I will write "Too long didn't read" to save you the trouble of replying back with TL;DR

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LinkOfHyrule
Paris Hilton

The internet is full of websites and people expressing fetishes for "odd" or not very obvious things - like someone said earlier it could be people in jeans, it could be cuddly jolly ladies, it could be slagging off Microsoft in capital letters. People need to remember that anything posted online is up for grabs and their aint really anything that can be done to stop that so don't be too suprised and outraged if it ends up on a tumblr blog named "Sexy El Reg MILFs dressed in bin liners" etc - its how the interwebz are. Sure ask them to take any pics down if you so wish if you own the copyright but there is nothing that can be done to stop people getting their jollies in ways that are a bit specialist!

As for trolls commenting - moderate comments, tell them to eff off, or just ignor them. These are sad people who cry themselves to sleep out of loneliness in their mum's cellar every night - sod 'em they aint even worth thinking about! If you are not a troll yourself then you can rest assured in the knowledge that your life is way better than their sad existence!

Paris because she is the original El Reg MILF - though I don't think she is a mother - but she might be, I only know her from her work here I do not follow her every move on twitter or anything!

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'Steve Jobs killed music biz', but Bon Jovi don't mind Google Glass

LinkOfHyrule
Happy

Re: I highly doubt this was the first time a concert was recorded from a performer's POV

Orbital would be good performers if they actually pressed play on their CD player in a gents toilet instead of an empty nightclub - I would genuinely pay to see that.

I think 20p is the going rate for bogs in railways stations aint it? Yep i'd pay 20p to see Orbital.

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LinkOfHyrule
WTF?

Re: I highly doubt this was the first time a concert was recorded from a performer's POV

Great, every band in the future is going to look like bloody Orbital!

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You're doing WHAT with friends? Zynga sues Bang With Friends maker

LinkOfHyrule
Happy

Re: I'm going out with friends tonight...

well at least its civil and not criminal or id be "banged up with friends" - then I'd be in trouble as then both those companies would have grounds to sue!

I can be quite defensive though so I don't take kindly to anyone "f!!!!king with friends" of mine so they'd be in for a fight!

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LinkOfHyrule
Joke

I'm going out with friends tonight...

...just got the news that I'm getting my arse sued off for it too!

*b-boom tish*

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Police probe IDIOTIC Twitter bomb threats slung at journalists

LinkOfHyrule

Re: Charge a tenner a year

Well I do not ever see ads either - most people are not blocking ads like us though.

And if people do act a cock, well if you only accept payment via credit or debit card they'd be easy to track down so if they misbehaved in a criminal way they'd be soon found - and even if they were just annoying trolls well you could block all cards from their address from signing up for accounts for say five years which should stop them signing up under a different name.

Just ideas of the top my head - I aint really given it much thought.

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LinkOfHyrule

Charge a tenner a year

Would mean no annoying pricks and could probably be ad free too - they should do it before someone else does and all the non trolls abandon them! Well it would be nice if it worked out like that but people seem to like everything being free even if it does mean no privacy and ad tracking.

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Apple kingpin springs to Beijing, pings telco kings: Flog our iPhone things

LinkOfHyrule
Thumb Up

Your headline writers are on a roll - their backs must be killing from all the whippings though! Keep it up!

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Google Glassholes to be BANNED from UK roads

LinkOfHyrule
Paris Hilton

Nobody knows the long term effects of Glass yet - drivers who used it could well be banned from driving in ten years time due to blindness for all we know - I'm sure google will have figured out how to pump tweets directly into your brain by then though!

Paris, 'cus she keeps giving me the Glass eye!

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Murdoch machinations mean Microsoft must rename SkyDrive

LinkOfHyrule
Joke

SeeDrive

I think that would be good - See because it sounds like C:\ and cannot be seen - a complete oxymoron that will baffle users in the way only MS can! They could even bring back good old Abort, Fail, Retry for when it goes tits up and set the website background colour to a nice deep blue when the servers go down!

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Wii U sales plunge: Nintendo hopes Mario and Zelda will shift some kit

LinkOfHyrule
Paris Hilton

Blimey - dunno if Zelda is going to buck the trend though - despite my name I still have two Wii Zelda games I don't have time to play that just sit on the shelf collecting dust - by my estimation I won't be getting a WiiU until 2025!

And I already have the Gamecube version of Windwaker - I got fed up with the bloody sailing so I'm only half way through that!

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