1565 posts • joined Friday 11th December 2009 10:15 GMT
Re: Actually, I have now thought of a proper forum post
If your plan comes to fruition, we'll all be teleporting kebabs directly to our stomachs using phone apps while still in the pub - and no doubt some of us will be directly teleporting said kebabs on to the pavement come closing time too!
Re: The real reason
Other customers who stored highly classified information also brought... Wolf howling at a full moon T-shirt... $9.99...
Re: Pink wafer biscuits = Soylent Pink
I think the El reg Special Projects research thingy needs to do a full scale investigation into the effects of eating 200g of each type of biscuit in twenty minuets. Everything from Hobnobs to Jammy Dodgers including dead fly biscuits, Bourbons, Nice and even Fig Rolls!
Maybe get that turd examiner woman from Channel Four involved too if drunk.smile's experiences with custard creams are anything to go by.
Re: I ate a whole 200g packet in 20 mins
Blimey! I have never done that many myself, sounds like you might have ODed! I think you should have phoned 999 and taken the packaging to A+E with you!
I wonder what the antidote to pink wafers is? Fruit and vegetables probably!
Yes indeed old chap! My internet connection is a bit slow back here though but I keep hearing about a new invention called a "tranny" that will speed things up for me!*
*Transistor for those of you born after 1960 like myself who was born in the 80s despite working in the 1950s
Get your ass to Mars, Get your ass to Mars, Get your ass to Mars, Get your ass to Mars
Still gets my vote as best line in a film ever!
Actually, I have now thought of a proper forum post
...This has not only been done before but has been done better. You should look into Fortisip, PEG tubes and feed pumps.
If you are going to eat gloop - what better way than having it pumped directly into your stomach by a machine via a plastic tube sticking out your belly button?
Timberland is a clothing brand and also a US hip hop producer
It's like how Vax is an old computer but also a wet and dry vacuum cleaner!
If Trouser Snake owns MySpace...
Does this mean Justin Bieber owns Bebo?
Little Timmy is playing XBOX One alone in his room...
Timmy: "Awesome I scored another Tetris! woot!"
xboxOne: "Hey Timmy listen up!"
xboxOne: "My name is Hans Brix LeBloc - CEO of Thermalite - Europes leading manufacturer of breeze blocks for the construction industry!"
Timmy: "what the.....!!!"
xboxOne: "I've been spying on your Tetris games these past few months Timmy and you really have skills me and the guys here at Thermalite think we could use down at our brick making factory!...etc.etc.etc."
Timmy: "Sod off you perv! MUM THE XBOX IS SPYING ON ME AGAIN!"
Mum: "It's okay Timmy, I'll call the NSPCC again!"
Little Johnny is playing XBOX One alone in his room....
Johnny: "Take that bitch!" < he says as he kills another terrorist in Call of Duty.
xboxOne: "Hey Kid... HEY KID!!!"
Johnny: "Woah wtf, is that you xbox? Are you talking to me?"
xboxOne: "Yeah it's me kid, Sgt Ballmer here, first XBOX battalion. We've been watching you for a while Johnny using the cameras in your XBOX Kinnect. We like your style kid, you really know how to kick some butt on Call of Duty!"
Johnny: "Woah thanks sir!"
xboxOne: "Say kid, how'd you like to come work for us and fly drones keeping 'merica safe? We could do with a sharp shooting patriot such as yourself..." etc. etc. etc.
So it was Jony Ive all along...
...who designed all those Happy Hardcore compilation CD covers back in the 90s!
Smiley face 'cus its the rave scene init.
NSA Backdoors need updating
PRISM 2.0 bitches!
Personally I'm more partial to KYJLY-FM - your smooth and slippery music mix!
Re: Has the video been edited?
It looks like the NSA must have edited the vid or something!
Two blokes in black suits and shades will turn up at the doors of all the people who did manage to see the unedited video and they will say "You DID NOT see this video, do you understand us, slave?!!" in threatening tones!
This is how life will be from now on under the XBOX Holy One!
Re: Waiting for "Kinect: PRISM"
It a well known fact that Al-Qaeda peado-terrorists are big fans of Kinect Sports!
Or scrumping as we call it over here in blighty!
"Max Turbo" modes
AMD announces the return of beige box PCs with Turbo buttons on them!
Paris Really Is a Sexy Momma!
I was going to make some joke about how "Bill Gates likes owning companies with poor levels of security" etc. but I now live in a constant state of fear that I'm going to be compared to Eadon for doing so! So instead I'll just say Apple and Samsung are shit in the interests of impartiality!
He's our local park wino. Bloody great cover story though, never knew he was really a defence contractor!
Re: Assange - and his extended diplomatic sleepover
I bet that embassy he dosses in has one hell of a knackered-out futon by now! Smelly too possibly!
At least he's not sleeping in a windowless cell like Mr Manning. Give the poor chap a window ffs and no I don't mean Windows 8! The dude has enough problems!
Hey kids, le'me give you an app-a-tunity!
He's just ripping off The Thick of It now (just like Labour used to) but this time he's going to go into a local school and tell "the kids" that he's "down with them" and that they are to make apps in school for free.
Re: "dildo design agency"
Hehe I was only joking I don't really. I actually work for Apple designing iPhones - its a similar line of work though! Especially the new iDong they're soon bringing out - oops said to much!
But its a "Walled Garden" of Eadon!
Welcome to the world of...
It would take a really dim terrorist
Don't forget all the terrorists who use twitter to spout out silly jokes when their flights are delayed because of snow!
New South Fucking Wales
or Not Safe For Work - basically its an aid to accidentally looking at rude things in front of your boss or customers. Luckily I work for a dildo design agency so I can safely ignore it!
It's not actually being recalled due to an electrical fault - Ann Summers QA department actually found they contained a back-door into the NSA Prism system!!!!
You could have warned us that this story contained "Winner" - I have a delicate constitution!
But back to the story at hand - which is better HTC or Samsung phones - there's only one way to find out........
They're sqauters you wont have a choice!
I bet some of them sue for breathing difficulties, loss of camp beds and for being forced to feel "unnecessary panic and alarm" etc - It just proves Computacenter shouldn't mess with the Claims-Ambulance-Chasers-Direct boys!
What happens if...
... I want to download the song "Sex Dwarf" by Softcell or some early 90s breakbeat "Hardcore" the Prodigy for example? Or I want to google the track listing for the latest in the series of the tragically less exciting than it sounds "Clubland Extreme Hardcore" to laugh at how much it sucks etc...?
Google will simply think I'm into hardcore sex club porn featuring people with restrictive growth when I'm not, and this will make the internet a better place will it!?
How will the ministry of truth know how to filter out actual dwarf porn and not well known synth pop songs with similar sounding names?
Load of old effing stupid bollocks! And I supposed saying that will be blocked too!
I was just about to say "No matter what your opinion is, at least with it being called NOOBS it does exactly what it says on the tin." If we go with your idea I will have to change my statement to "it does exactly what it say on the silicone!" Which is technically a more accurate description either way when you think about it!
I'm sticking my thumps right up for BOOBS!
Re: Please stop...
Well they did rename his old TV programme "The Mark Thomas Comedy Product" to "The Mark Thomas Product". I'm guessing someone was pissed off under the trades descriptions act or something!
He's worth a watch though sometimes even if it is difficult to make a standup routine out of fucking with arms dealers or corporate bastards!
I can't believe you missed that pun for your headline chaps!
Or maybe... Firefox - it's a conn!
Or even.... "Becuase of falling sales of iPhones I am no longer needed to stand on the production line for 16 hours a day. In fact I have just been 'Fired' from 'fox'conn!"
I tell you what would be really funny...
..if the dodgy code that got injected was actually a modified iDevice ready version of Windows Phone 8 that would self install itself over iOS!
Imagine that - plugging your iPhone in for a juice top up only to find its running Windows when you get back! I think MS are actually considering it to get their usage numbers up!
Paris because she doesn't care who's plug it is!
Re: In a similar vein....
Woah dude I'm totally bluescreening on this dope dude!
re "hopeless relatives and in-laws"
It's always the in-laws with BT-Yahoo! It's as if the marketing people at BT sat down and said "we will target the clueless in-laws sector of the market" which probably aint far from the truth really!
Give the in laws some credit though - mine have just started using Chrome off their own backs! They're learning! Plus there's only so much shit you can take from IE before you start to act! haha
I remember my first day reading el Reg years ago - "oh thats weird putting loads of !s in that headline" I think to myself
Few weeks later "oh look more of those weird !s wtf" I think...
A year later "hang about, is it me or do these weird !s only turn up in headlines about yahoo!?"
You get used to it mate! Give it time!
Paris, because she's another Register institution we couldn't live without!
They should send Channel Four's Time Team to go dig it up. They would even get one of those beardie blokes to do a recreation of a genuine early 1980s living room complete with wood-grain Atari and black, red and grey wallpaper as was the fashion at the time! Meanwhile Tony Robinson will be down on his hands and knees scrubbing soil off of old ROM memory chips and talking to another beardie bloke about old things! ...as you do!
Man I thought you were going to review the Roland 808 drum machine...
...and praise it's contribution to Hip-Hop and Acid House beats and Oldskool Jungle basslines!
Re: I bet there's some hardcore fanboi Dell collectors ...
Actually there are collectors of old Dell machines - they're called landfill sites!
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