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* Posts by Jo 5

66 posts • joined 21 Jul 2009

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IT jargon is absolutely REAMED with sexual double-entendres

Jo 5
Happy

yep that's part of the relief of the job

As a sysadmin for too many years most of this IT double entendre is what makes it just abotu bearable.

Examples:

Working with French guys on software releases which they insisted on calling not versions but virgins. That joke never got old. Ooo lala ziz is ze best virgin now. Or zat virgin is bugged etc etc.

Lots of "I have checked your box and its very dusty"...

Lots of multiplayer gaming with port issues and "have you fingered by port yet?" (yes i know finger is a unix email info tool but we mashed i into a double E anyway.

and lest we forget fat pipes, floppies, and gender benders.

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Alienware injects EVEN MORE ALIEN into redesigned Area-51 gaming PC

Jo 5

Re: Slanted hard disk bays???

erm no it doesn't matter anyway. Did you ever play with a gyroscope as a kid?

Also if you wish take a disk you don't care much for, run it loosely connected to a PC wait for it to spin up when reading it, then lift it up in your hand - it will act just like a gyroscope and will have a will of its own.

just saying.

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NSA man: 'Tell me about your Turkish connections'

Jo 5

that's nothing

i went thru memphis once (US wife, been to US maybe 25 times, Im an old hand at this stuff) and the finger print scanner decided to break at just the moment it was my turn. Much eye brow raising, retrying, examining my fingers under a magnifying glass, retrying, swabbing my fingers (shit scary as i might hve rolled the odd hashish joint in the preceding weeks) retrying, eventually sent to back room with some majorly sweating russians, chinese, and vietnamese rejects). 30 mins later called back, they'd fixed the scanner.

"So you doing any hunting over here while with your folks? " big cheezy grin.

I could have punched him.

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Catch cack-handed baggage handlers in the act with Ericsson's SPY SUITCASE

Jo 5

how much for the girl? 2 camel?

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Satisfy my scroll: El Reg gets claws on Windows 8.1 spring update

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Neil Young touts MP3 player that's no Piece of Crap

Jo 5

Is this not the equivalent of getting your hair styled by a bald hairdresser? I'd like to see him tell the difference between this an old cheap ipod.

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How a Facebook post by blabbermouth daughter cost her parents $80,000

Jo 5

Its cheque book not check book. FFS this is an English paper not American, sort your spellchecker out!

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I want SDN and I want it now!

Jo 5

Thats nothing

when we were kids we lived in a hole in t'middle of the road. And we only had 0's for bits, we were too poor to buy 1's.

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Brilliant Brit bloke builds breakfast-belching BACON DRONE

Jo 5

Didn't you mean "a breakthrough moment for hAmanity"?

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Microsoft hires Pawn Stars to shaft Google

Jo 5

Re: RT?

MS zombie. Anyone evangelical about MS gets pity from me and most others here.

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Jo 5

Love seeing MS butthurt. Their useful days are numbered. Most non innovative fair or interesting company in a good few decades.

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Jo 5

Megapedant

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'It's a joke!' ... Bill Gates slams Mark Zuckerberg's web-for-the-poor dream

Jo 5

yeah right

He said no one would be using paper in offices and all would be using MS tablets by now. Was he right?

No, he is laughably wrong.

So if all those 1st world teens using FB are busily self harming then lets not worry too much about some pot-bellied-covered-in-flies-malaria-cholera-stricken kids getting some FarmVille action in!

/irony alert.

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Billionaire Google founder splits with wife, allegedly beds Google Glass minx

Jo 5
Paris Hilton

fwwuuuaahhhh

I'd tap that.

oops sorry that i was on the dailymaul.com then.

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BALLMER TO RETIRE FROM MICROSOFT

Jo 5

Yeah riiighht. We remember when you said that about 3.11

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Jo 5
Coat

Ding dong the witch is d... oh sorry that was Thatcher.

/coat gotten

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Microsoft warns of post-April zero day hack bonanza on Windows XP

Jo 5

MS: "yeah all versions of windows are buggy flawed pieces of crap. But hey folks we are not gonna scrape the oldest crap off the sole of your shoe from now on OK!"

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Do you really want tech companies to pay more tax?

Jo 5

Author of article has misspelt 'grey' as 'gray'.

Sorry to be a language Nazi but i come here to get way from the misuse of our mother tongue by our colonial descendants. Site also ends in .co.UK.

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UK gov's smart meter dream unplugged: A 'colossal waste of cash'

Jo 5

quote: " 53 million smart meters into every home in England, Wales and Scotland by 2020"

- ho lee fuk! Wouldn't just one or two in every home be enough??? Think of the children!

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Samsung Galaxy S3 explodes, turns young woman into 'burnt pig'

Jo 5
Joke

Gives new meaning to the term 'thunder thighs' .

(I am not being unkind - I prefer a girl with big legs, oo oo suit you)

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Google staffing boss: Our old hiring procedures were 'worthless'

Jo 5
Windows

@The Man Who Fell To Earth

Oh god i love intellectual masturbation don't you!? Its great, its like regular wanking but harder and you really do feel smarter afterwards!

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Gates and Allen reshoot historic 1981 Microsoft photo

Jo 5

"both participants look considerably more stylish than they did 32 years ago." Not sure about that Iain!!

Bill now looks like one of those perma-unemployed blokes that hangs out in the public library all day long for the free heating and newspapers.

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Firefox: Use new stealth window to satisfy your wife, suggests Mozilla

Jo 5

Re: Mozilla invents system to help users used to single user system.

We know its you ComicBookGuy. No anoninimoty here or however you spell it! Get back to trollin the dailymail.com pls

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Jo 5
Windows

Re: Really?

When I require private prezzie shopping sessions i dont normally have both hands free...

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SimCity owners get free game, EA will get A NEW CEO

Jo 5
Childcatcher

Re: Not too shabby 'are you kidding?'

I nearly bought this game but then remembered that i had already boycotted EA for any future purchases. So saved myself some heartache there. I can say this with no fear of libel: EA are a bunch of fucktards rapidly sucking the life out of gamers and coders who have no passion for games themselves - hell i bet the CEO's are not and have never been gamers.

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Huawei USB modems vulnerable

Jo 5
Joke

oh rlly

Russian calls Chinese company a danger to their users...

"Hi Kettle? Just calling to say you is black man. Soooo black, oo you is black, blacker than a crow's bumhole on a moonless night! Yes i know. Whatever, fuck you. Yes it is Pot calling. bye"

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Big Blighty telcos ordered to block three BitTorrent search sites

Jo 5
Unhappy

Bit i use those sites for non copy righted material. And for game patches etc that are uploaded by game publishers. How bout we all go stand outside the media giant's offices and blockade them and interrogate every person going in and out asking if they are legitimate or not? tossers.

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Cambridge boffins reveal prehistoric prawn monster

Jo 5

pictures or it didn't happen

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Baby-boulder bowling burglar breaks Boulder Apple Store's $100k glass door

Jo 5
Devil

Re: Read into that comment what you will.

MS deserves all the criticism we can throw at it. They are pure evil.

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Jo 5
Facepalm

gaaahh

bean-counters said they needed to spend 100k on Windows and they said phuck no buy doors instead.

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Facebook burnout: 61% of users have needed a break

Jo 5
Facepalm

What have we learned today kids?

So young people are fickle and tend to bop around from trend to trend huh?

In other news... arboreal animals tend to defecate in the woods.

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BANG and the server's gone: Man gets 8 months for destroying work computers

Jo 5
Joke

we are going to...

cut off your Johnson and Johnsons, Sobolewski !!!

/Coat gotten

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Apple users: Only Apple can track us! Not Google

Jo 5
Thumb Down

Dear Appletards

Nothing is free on this planet. Even your death will cost your next of kin a bomb. If you don't want Google trying to make a living off supplying products and services to you then stop using all google products FFS.

Maybe you could try Bing?!

Queue maniacal evil laugh muhahahahahaaaaaa

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PGP, TrueCrypt-encrypted files CRACKED by £300 tool

Jo 5
Holmes

nested encryption

You can defeat this and any future vulns by having an encrypted operating system inside a encrypted partition, then within that create an encrypted partition, and then within that create what Trucrypt call a hidden encrypted partition. Use 4 different passphrases.

But if the russian mafia or the cia special interrogation unit want you to give up your passphrases with a hot iron and some pliers, or a wet towel, then even if you are andy mcnabb you will eventually be handing them over.

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Feds probe naked Scarlett Johansson outrage

Jo 5
Thumb Up

wt...?

Honestly I dont see what all the fuss is about. I've seen the pics online, shes a nice girl, shes got a lovely bum and great boobs. She should be proud that so many men and women want to ogle her. I cant write here what i woudl do with her assets but they would be done with the utmost respect.

End of...

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Facebook flashplodder to appeal against 4-yr cooler stint

Jo 5
Thumb Down

what is the world coming to

This is so wrong. People get a 3rd of this sentence - suspended - for wreckless driving resulting in death. How can this add up? Making an example of people is not proper justicve. Thats just political tokenism.

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Swede cuffed for cooking nuclear reactor on kitchen stovetop

Jo 5
Thumb Up

Something smells good!

Still looks more appetising and is probably more palatable than the Mrs' cooking!

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Apple recalls 1TB Seagate HDDs

Jo 5
Thumb Down

Seagate - recipe for misery

I've said it before and I will say it again - do not buy seagate hard drives. I have seen so many failed ones. They are the least reliable manufacturer of hard disks. Its not a good brand. Steer well clear.

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Hackers pierce network with jerry-rigged mouse

Jo 5
Meh

that figures

"Department of Homeland Security released results from a recent test that showed 60 percent of employees who picked up foreign computer discs and USB thumb drives in the parking lots of government buildings and private contractors" are epicly stupid. Even the Greeks aren't this dumb.

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Spooks' secret TEMPEST-busting tech reinvented by US student

Jo 5
Paris Hilton

ooer

Purile joke alert.

Should get ms Hilton involved as she is surely and expert in "hundreds of penetrations"

oh god

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YouTube punts filth to shocked Reg readers

Jo 5
Coat

Horrified!

I am utterly disgusted and offended. At least I think I am. Please can you post a link to this vid just so that I can be sure?

/i'll get it meself - its kind of stinky and the pockets are full of used tissues.

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Man found guilty of battery after ejaculating in co-worker's drink

Jo 5
WTF?

WTF??

Im a 40 old hetero male and I do not know what semen tastes like so there. Should i be sampling my own jugo de la vida? I think not. I have far too many other things to taste first thanks very much.

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Scareware mongers cough up $8m to settle fraud charges

Jo 5
FAIL

Personally...

personally - having seen this 4 times in my own house (2 infections completely inexplicable and not caused by internet newbies but power users) I would make these guys cut their own balls off with a rusty knife and feed them to pigs at gunpoint.

Harsh maybe but this kind of crime causes misery for millions.

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The cost of beating Apple's shrewd screws? £2

Jo 5
Coat

what a cutie

Shes a hot geek, i wanna give her some input and then process her output. hmm

yeah... the one with sadtard on the back, thnx

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Assange vows to drop 'insurance' files on Rupert Murdoch

Jo 5
Joke

what a gem

my youngest son, misunderstanding the telly news last week, said that "if his wiki leaks he should wear a bigger nappy."

lol

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PARIS concocts commemorative cocktail

Jo 5
Happy

erm

Just makes me thing Vomit Comet. Or Vulture Vomit? Or Vulture Liver Rupture or Vulture Spacer (looks like the old kids favorite sweeties Spacers) or Ozone Depleter or Death by Sugar being the most appropriate.

Ride of the Vulture?

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Brave new Boris-bikers banjaxed by broken boxes

Jo 5
Grenade

We cycle in clogs and laugh at you

What a bunch of wussies you are. It was minus 9c here in Holland and we all still cycle around on sheet ice covered cobbled roads with our clompjes (wooden shoes) on and on backpedal braking bikes and with no problem at all. Honestly - no wonder your country is in such a mess. Whatever happened to stiff upper lips and the churchill spirit?

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Facebook royal rant bishop suspended

Jo 5

We pay all those taxes...

...and they get married on a Friday. Only cheapskates get married during the week...

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BA slams stupid security checks

Jo 5
Grenade

war on flab

How dumb. Anyways - in my experience you DO have to take your shoes off at every US airport routinely and are subjected to over officious idiots at the airport asking if you have eaten a bomb for breakfast and racially stereotyping anyone with even a nice tan. When i fly out there from Schiphol there is no shoe business or degrading treatment at the Amsterdam end.

I do think we should make all yanks go through the same ESTA bollocks that they make all of their ancestor nations go through. Tit for tat etc.

And re the war on terror - maybe they should start a war on flab as their gluttonous and endemic obesity is killing far more yanks than Osama/Obama could ever hope to.

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