* Posts by hplasm

3804 posts • joined 10 Jul 2009

Church organist nabbed for playing glory hole in excelsis

hplasm
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Happy

Need I say anything...?

"...my love of playing organ music and giving my gift back to God"

Ohhh God!!

fnarr!!

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Microsoft stops to smell the roses, creates the Shazam of flowers

hplasm
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Devil

Worth it-

To hear Cortana sing- "Daisy, Daiiisyyy...give...mee...youuurrr..aaaannnsseerrrr,,doooooo....."

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The very latest on the DNC email conspiracy. Which conspiracy? All of them, of course!

hplasm
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Happy

Re: Enjoyed it

Also +1 Intenet for the term 'goat rodeo'.

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Alleged hacker Lauri Love will learn his fate in September, says judge

hplasm
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Facepalm

Re: WTF?

"So, a "medical" history in which he admits he is just completely unable to act in a sociably-acceptable manner? Great, let him plead insanity and lock him in a padded room for the rest of his life"

So Mr Pot- you want a cellmate? Meet Mr Kettle.

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Free Windows 10 upgrade: Time is running out – should you do it?

hplasm
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Devil

Oh and where has safe mode gone ?

It's not safe- not secure.

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hplasm
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Facepalm

Re: yes i saw the icon, but still

"I think you need to recalibrate your notions of slavery."

When MS recalibrate their notions of 'upgrading'...

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hplasm
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Devil

Re: Why has there never been a reasonably priced upgrade path from Home to Pro?

Or get a pimp?

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hplasm
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Happy

Re: Just like to say . . . .

"You're not supposed to eat it!"

A million bluebottles can't be wrong...

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I don't like Mondays, Pokemon, Twitter or Facebook – Sir Bob Geldof

hplasm
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Meh

Angry young man

becomes moaning old fart.

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Microsoft ordered to fix 'excessively intrusive, insecure' Windows 10

hplasm
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Devil

"...it's the tools part which isn't working as well."

That's because the tools are in charge.

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Microsoft tweaks TCP stack in Windows Server and Windows 10

hplasm
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Meh

Re: Took their time

Microsoft Networking. Two words that do not ever belong together.

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Web meltdown: BT feels heat from angry punters

hplasm
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Unhappy

That was the dream...

Profit!!

That's the reality...

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Africa's MeerKAT looks at the sky, surprises boffins with 1,300 galaxies

hplasm
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Happy

Re: Universe, life and everything

"I don't need drugs to enjoy this- just to enhance it!"

Otto.

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Hackers steal millions from ATMs using 'just their smartphones'

hplasm
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Happy

Was it a cellphone-

- or an Atari Portfolio...?

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Debian: s/Chairman/Chair/g

hplasm
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Unhappy

Re: Debinane

Sadly, Ian has already been chopped.

Pity Systemd can't be chopped.

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One in five consumers upgraded to Win10 for free instead of buying a PC

hplasm
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Devil

Re: Why would they have bought a new PC?

Only a masochist would have installed Windows 8.

FTFY

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It's not our fault we don't hire black people, says Facebook

hplasm
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Thumb Up

Re: Numbers games, surely?

10e6 Internets for you, Sir!

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Graphene is actually self-folding origami, proclaim physicists

hplasm
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Happy

I've seen that picture before-

In the Andromeda Strain.

We are all going to die!

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It's 2016 and Windows lets crims poison your printer drivers

hplasm
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Devil

Re: Software contains bugs

What Microsoft actually said was "This new Windows must be built from the ground-up for a mobile-first, cloud-first world.”

Followed by-

"Ah, sod it. Release!"

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hplasm
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Meh

The headline-

-is not a surprise...

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You can buy Windows 10 Enterprise E3 access for the price of a coffee

hplasm
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Facepalm

Re: Cash shortage ?

Masochists will always find the money to get themselves abused. See the fanboi posts above...

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hplasm
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Gimp

Re: you pay 7 bucks for a coffee?

"Why is it not possible to have a single article...waaaaa."

Said a windows moron.

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Tesla whacks guardrail in Montana, driver blames autopilot

hplasm
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Happy

Easy solution-

"And what makes you think that a radar will see a wooden stake?"

Tie a vampire to the front bumper.

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hplasm
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Happy

Re: Idiots!

Warning: Do not taunt Traffic-aware cruise control!!

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Microsoft's cringey 'Hey bae <3' recruiter email translated by El Reg

hplasm
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Happy

Re: Every time I see "<3"...

"Yeah, it always looks like a cock and balls to me too. So what *does* it mean?"

Asshat?

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Physicists confirm X(4140)

hplasm
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It's colourful...

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Wannabe Prime Minister Andrea Leadsom thinks all websites should be rated – just like movies

hplasm
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Devil

Re: Andrea Leadsom...

She always said "I am proud to be Britain's first Prime Minister who is a ...chemist."

(Jack) Boots?

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hplasm
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Happy

Re: Andrea Leadsom...

"Which she put to good use in helping to invent "Mr Whippy"."

Douglas Hurd?

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Wannabe West Midlands gun smuggler jailed for ten months

hplasm
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Angel

Re: Serf's up

Sure he does- he's in jail for having (bits of ) one.

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Lauri Love at risk of suicide if extradited to US, Brit court hears

hplasm
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Childcatcher

Re: After Gary McKinnon...

Don't shout, you teat.

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No means no: Windows 10 nagware's red X will stop update – Microsoft

hplasm
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Gimp

Love Windows-

Or it will stalk you.

And rape your computer if you don't give in.

Nice.

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Those Xbox Fitness vids you 'bought'? Look up the meaning of the word 'rent'

hplasm
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Devil

Re: There's an old saying

How about a new saying?

Stop giving Microsoft money

then the problem will solve itself.

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My plan to heal this BROKEN, BREXITED BRITAIN

hplasm
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Pirate

Re: Missed a trick.

And then tow Britain outsideof its Territorial Waters* and run it as Pirate Britain!

* Possibly mooted by The Goodies?

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'I urge everyone to fight back' – woman wins $10k from Microsoft over Windows 10 misery

hplasm
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Gimp

Re: GOOD FOR HER!

"I think this person should have ANYTHING pertaining to Microsoft taken from any device he/she uses, and be banned from using it again, EVER"

She should be so lucky!

You have flecks of spittle on your screen. Did you know?

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Special delivery: Activists drop 100,000 net neutrality complaints on FCC

hplasm
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Happy

Re: What if our minds are more infinite than the Universe?

What if they are smaller than a pi meson? what then, eh?

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Holy Crap! Bloke finishes hand-built CPU project!

hplasm
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Coat

So-

It's von Newman architecture...?

Beer for you also, Sir!

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Utah sheriffs blow $10,000 on smut-sniffing Labrador

hplasm
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Coat

Re: Divine idea

Most guys have a porn divining rod...

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hplasm
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Happy

"How does one sniff out porn exactly ?"

Check the hedgerows...

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Netflix picks fight with internet exchange industry

hplasm
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Paris Hilton

$22,000 a year – a "pretty good hourly rate,"

Depends on how many hours they work, shurley?

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Microsoft joins battery-saving browser bandwagon with Edge claims

hplasm
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Devil

Re: Blegh

But it will save you battery- you won't want to use the device at all!

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Major Tim Peake comes home to a gastronaut's Sunday roast

hplasm
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Happy

Re: Ethnocentric reporting

Are you saying we have reached peak Peake?

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Official: Microsoft goes to pot, gives weed growers fix they need

hplasm
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Holmes

Hey buddy- try a puff of this-

Well?- what do you think of Windows 10 now...?

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Lester Haines: RIP

hplasm
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Unhappy

Damn!!

RIP.

What else can I say. Condolences to all who knew him.

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The Microsoft-LinkedIn hookup will be the END of DAYS, I tell you

hplasm
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Devil

Re: periodic flushing of the sub-floor

If the sub-floor is above HR/management you don't ever need to flush :)

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hplasm
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Devil

Re: I've worked out my way to quit IT and become a millionaire....

Don't trust tinfoil hats from Amazon or Ebay!! Fake!!! 111!!!

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hplasm
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Meh

Re: So that'll be another profile to delete then

Pity nobody irrelevant will know about them.

FTFY.

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'I am not a lizard' Zuckerberg proclaims in public Q&A

hplasm
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Happy

"...one of the Lizard People."

They all are. It's Lizards all the way down!

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Users fear yet another hack as TalkTalk services go down

hplasm
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Devil

Newsflash

TalkTalk to rebrand to HushHush.

Government express an interest, "Sounds very secure to me." said a minister.

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Forget Game of Thrones as Android ransomware infects TVs

hplasm
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Happy

Re: TV?

No, this thread is just in your imagination...

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Microsoft splashes Virtual Reality-slinging 'Scorpio' Xbox

hplasm
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Devil

Re: Maybe

Read that as:

"Same chip-fat going into the Surface Phone?"

Could be...

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