Spot on Dabbsy, loving the Pamela Stephenson reference:
"Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen. Captain Wang and his crew welcome you aboard flight 1203 to Los Angeles.
We hope you’ll have a pleasant flight and that we don’t encounter any turbulence and crash the plane.
For your own safety and convenience please locate the instruction card in the seat pocket in front of you. It is situated between the crumpled magazine with the Robert Morley interviews and the piece of orange peel. We would like to stress that in the unlikely event of anything going wrong, any attempt to escape from the aircraft is futile.
Please fasten your safety belt and extinguish your cigarette, shame though it is to waste your last one. When disaster strikes there may be a slight loss of cabin pressure, and a reduction in the number of wings. In this event, a plastic mask will automatically drop down. Place it over your nose and pull hard to release the oxygen. Then attempt to fit the broken cord back into the hole from which the air is now pouring.
Please note that your lifejacket is under your seat. It is impossible to get it out, particularly with your seatbelt on, so we have one already prepared here. Place it over your head and tie the straps around you. To inflate pull the green tag, press the yellow button, unzip the toggle pocket, unscrew the air valve anticlockwise and yell “inflate you stupid bugger”.
Next, remove from your person any sharp objects, such as fragments of red-hot engine casing, and make your way to the escape routes. These are situated over the wings so you people there, there and there have absolutely no chance and we apologise for having wasted your time.
Well enough of this maudlin talk. This has been your chief stewardess speaking, and demonstrating the regulations was Lola, who’s a right little strumpet and willing to oblige you in any way at all. Captain Wang and his crew wish you a very short and pleasant flight."
Damn, can't find it on YouTube!