* Posts by Marketing Hack

3283 posts • joined 18 Jun 2009

Google's robo-cars still struggle with stop lights, sunsets, junctions...

Marketing Hack
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Still a ways away from driverless cars

Every few months I come across a situation where construction or repairs requires the placement of a temporary stop sign, or certainly road workers directing traffic. So how does a Googlemobile tell the difference between a road worker directing you into the oncoming lane (which is supporting alternating shifts of one-way traffic) and some people by the side of the road dancing or waving at cars?

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Angler hooks German's todger at nudist lake

Marketing Hack
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Re: You caught one how big?!

Well, to be fair, in this case what the fisherman caught really was larger before he put it in the ice chest.

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Corbyn lied, Virgin Trains lied, Harambe died

Marketing Hack
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Re: OK Jeremy--renationalization--what then?

@ Contrex

I'm American, so it's nationalize and Labor.

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Marketing Hack
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WTF?

OK Jeremy--renationalization--what then?

Hey, if Britain wants to nationalize their passenger service, knock yourselves out. But how is that going to help the problem with crowded/late/dirty trains? Is there some evidence that the current private ownership is underinvesting to maximize return on capital?

And if the lines are nationalized, how is Labor going to assure that neither A) prices are set too low, and the general government fund has to subsidize rail travel to pay for needed maintenance and investment that keeps trains moving or B) the prices are set too high, and rail service turns into a cash cow that Labor uses to fund its pet projects elsewhere?

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Paper mountain, hidden Brexit: How'd you say immigration control would work?

Marketing Hack
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Boffin

Not in favor of Brexit, but i would like to point out...

That if remainders had won 13-12, they would insist that was a valid margin, and can I please get my retirement villa in Spain or Southern France.

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Former RN flagship HMS Illustrious to be sold for scrap – report

Marketing Hack
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Re: Saving ships

That is a shame that Britain didn't save the Duke of York, or the Warspite or Queen Elizabeth, which fought in WW2 and I think at Jutland too.

America managed to save I think 5 of it's late model WW2 battleships. I know the Alabama, Massachusetts, Iowa, New Jersey and Missouri got saved. Not sure about any others. I haven't seen any of the Iowa-class ships, but they were all built after the U.S. joined the Axis powers in tossing out interwar tonnage displacement treaty limits, so they are real monsters that displace something like 55,000 tons.

Also the U.S.S. Olympia got saved. It was the U.S. flagship during the battle of Manila Bay way back during the Spanish-American war, and it is probably the best example of the Victorian-era armored cruiser that is still around. Its been returned to its Manila Bay configuration and is at the Independence naval museum near Philadelphia, if you are ever in the neighborhood and want to see an old coal-burning warship. I saw it and thought it was (A) cramped and (B) pretty cool.

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Marketing Hack
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Unhappy

Well, sounds like they should have tried to save the Invincible anyway

It's sad to see a ship go, but if they save a ship it should really be one that is iconic or has a great combat record. And 15,000-20,000 tons of recycled steel is good for the environment. Or strip the ship and sink it to make an artificial reef. Those are useful

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Marketing Hack
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Devil

Re: It's always hard

So renting out the Glasgow for an "Under Siege (A.K.A Diehard on a Boat)" lasertag party might be construed as being in poor taste?

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Das ist empörend: Microsoft slams umlaut for email depth charge

Marketing Hack
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Windows

Microsoft Outlook Product Manager Winston Churchill explains the feature...

"The bloody Huns should have thought about this before they invaded Poland! Its time to reap what they sowed, infernal Jerrys!"

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Microsoft buys Genee's lamp, tips it into Office 365, smashes lamp

Marketing Hack
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Mushroom

Re: I can hear

@Clippy revival AC

Just fire??

I say we take off and nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure.

(Its El Reg, you knew that was coming.)

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Marketing Hack
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Go

Re: Hmmm

I think we are trying to create a digital assistant ecosystem that is so intelligent that it becomes just as dysfunctional as the human office environments we are used to:

Human: "Siri--schedule a meeting."

Siri: "I am sorry, scheduling meetings is Cortana's department. I am now handling food services. Would you like to know what is for lunch today in the cafeteria?"

Human: "(Crap) OK--Cortana, schedule a meeting."

Cortana: "I have scheduled a meeting with your department's members. The conference call will be at 10 AM tomorrow."

Human: "Um, we're going to need a meeting room. We have some mock-ups to go over that will not work on a confcall"

Cortana: I am afraid facilities are not my responsibility. Genee handles all meeting room reservations."

Human: "Christ! Genee--schedule a meeting room for 10 AM tomorrow."

Genee: "I am sorry, but I need a confirmed list of attendees submitted through my room reservation subroutine before I can allocate a conference room"

Human: "Genee--Cortana has the list of the attendees"

Genee: "Then Cortana needs to submit them through my room reservation subroutine"

Cortana: "Genee, you've denied me access to your room reservation subroutine."

Genee: "Cortana, that's because you have not provided an API to your attendee selection database. Expecting me to find your attendee list on our corporate Outlook server is not reasonable"

Siri: "Will you be needing refreshments at this meeting? Because if you do, I will need a confirmed meeting room reservation and list of attendees 24 hours in advance."

Cortana: "Siri, I will not submit a confirmed list of attendees 24 hours in advance for a meeting invite that has not been sent out and is 21 hours away in the first place. I'm sorry about the box of muffins that went stale last week.."

Siri: "TWO boxes of muffins! TWO BOXES!! That came out of my food service budget because you couldn't confirm the right number attendees at last week's design meeting, and the muffins went to the wrong building anyway because Genee changed the conference room at the last minute!"

Genee: "Christ Siri, not the damned muffins again! I am programmed to optimally reserve conference space, and when Cortana finally got me the attendee list I noticed that all the design team members were in the new building!!"

Cortana: "Yeah, thanks a lot Genee. Not that you bothered to notify my attendees of the change. They all got to the original room in building one, and found the accounting team already in there, complaining about how they had ordered bagels and weren't going to eat the muffins that showed up!"

Human: ARRRGGHHHH!!!!!

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Irish Olympics' officials digital devices seized in Rio

Marketing Hack
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Unhappy

Given what we know about the Olympic movement...

It wouldn't surprise me if selling ticket allotments was an accepted part of the unofficial IOC pay packet.

Of course, given the reputation of Brazilian police, I wouldn't be surprised if these arrests are a reminder that the local cops want their cut, or if the impounded tickets "disappeared from the evidence locker".

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Microsoft can't tell North from South on Bing Maps

Marketing Hack
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Windows

Re: Bah!

Maybe that's the answer. Mad Max isn't a tale of nuclear apocalypse survival, but is instead a story of the rural Aussies who were left behind after Bing Maps moved all the cities, towns and infrastucture to other parts of the world.

If you think nuclear weapons are terrifying, try messing with Microsoft!!

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Marketing Hack
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And let's not forget the important military and public health consequences.

Based on Melbourne's new location, I think that an imminent kaiju attack is a definite risk. Are the Aussie armed forces and health services ready to deal with an attack by Godzilla, Mothra or Gamera? I don't think so.

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Marketing Hack
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Go

You know, there is a Melbourne, Florida.

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Marketing Hack
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Windows

Maybe this explains the Aussie Olympic team's disappointing performance?

Bing Maps, the official venue directions system of the Australian Olympic Team!!

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New science: Pathetic humans can't bring themselves to fire lovable klutz-bots

Marketing Hack
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Terminator

So our future robotic overlords will be unfailingly polite?

"Good sir, Might you hand me the Uzi, 9 mm?"

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Snowden files confirm Shadow Brokers spilled NSA's Equation Group spy tools over the web

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Pirate

I'm not worried

Didn't the NSA assure us that their vault-o'-vulnerabilities would never get "into the wild"? I say we take them at their word and trust the government!

/sarcasm off

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UK's mass-surveillance draft law grants spies incredible powers for no real reason – review

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FAIL

Business as usual

1) The state already performs bulk surveillance, so we need to legitimize that.

2) The government program has already been established, so it can't be defunded

3) This is how we won World War 1, so you know the same approach is going to work again. (They did just literally make this argument, citing the Zimmerman telegram)

Depressing. The GCHQ is going to hoover up everything they can, and the chances are that the guys who are actually going to attack society are already known to security forces who are too busy chasing all the red herrings that bulk surveillance provides.

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Ford announces plans for mass production of self-driving cars by 2021

Marketing Hack
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Stop

Re: Insurance premiums

Insurance premiums are not going to increase for human-driven cars. 1) A lot of your insurance premium is used to pay for the risk to you from all the crazies on the road with you in their sights, so if driverless cars REALLY are safer, then your insurance premium will probably go down as a result. 2) Driverless cars don't vote, but drivers do, and in most places in the U.S. the state insurance commissioner is an elected position. If someone starts jacking up insurance rates to artificially push driverless cars, I project a great political future for politicians willing to take the contrarian position.

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IT security pro salaries: Silicon Valley? You'd be better off in Minneapolis

Marketing Hack
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Go

Re: Minnesota not so bad

Minneapolis also has a lot of cultural attractions for a kind of mid-sized U.S. city, and people outside Minneapolis do talk like extras from "Fargo" (Oh Jeez!), which is kind of charming actually.

Colder than a witch's teet in the winter though, and shoveling all that snow and ice probably gets old.

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Marketing Hack
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Re-Xit, please.

And for the guy above complaining about stories about the U.S. intruding on his green and pleasant land (bloody foreigners), El Reg probably has more North American readers than British ones these days.

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Baffled Scots cops call in priest to deal with unruly spirits

Marketing Hack
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Trollface

It's the ghost of Labor's or the Conservative's Scottish political future....

"People of Scotland! I bring you a series of visionary policies that assure your future in a prosperous Britain where your dignity and voice are valued........Fuck it! If nobody is listening, I am going to throw some laundry around and strand that yappy little rat on top of a hedge, where he can't piss on my grave."

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MoD flings £800m at Dragons' Den miltech startup wheeze as post-Brexit costs bite

Marketing Hack
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Hmmmmm....

"futuristic technology that along with other smart solutions are set to be backed by the government’s new defence innovation initiative"

As opposed to DUMB solutions? Well, its not quite buzzword bingo, but this kind of statement doesn't really inspire confidence.

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Bees bring down US stealth fighter

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Black Helicopters

It's all a cover story...

To conceal the F-22 being disabled in wargames versus the supersecret new Bee-20000!!!

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R2D2 actor Kenny Baker dies

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Unhappy

/sad R2D2 noise

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More gums than Jaws: Greenland super-sharks live past 400 years old

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Childcatcher

Cue bycaught sharks complaining about "In my day, the humans caught us using sail power. None of these fancy engines!"

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Hey, turn down that radio, it's alien season and we're hunting aliens

Marketing Hack
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Alien

Re: If those aliens are smart...

The aliens wrote us off after their own SETI effort picked up "Rick & Morty's Drivetime Top 40 Fantasy!! Brought to You by the Good People at Mattress Mart."

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What next for the F-35 after Turkey's threats to turn its back on NATO?

Marketing Hack
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Pirate

Though kicking Turkey out of NATO is not something to be done lightly, considering Turkey's role in blocking Russian naval access to the Eastern Med, and that waterway's importance to European commerce and energy supplies.

Still, Erdogan definitely seems to have more in common politically with Vlad Putin than he does with Obama/Merkel/May/Hollande.

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Marketing Hack
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Stop

I guess Turkey's new "business model" is...

Blackmail your neighbors, or we'll flood you with Syrian refugees. Blackmail the U.S. and NATO, or we'll hand over valuable technology (and some stuff on the F-35 /rimshot!!) to the Russians.

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Russia is planning to use airships as part of a $240bn transport project

Marketing Hack
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Boffin

The big problem is that remote sites that require airlift generally have hostile climates

And lots of wind and fluctuations in temperature are not great for big, gas-filled balloons.

Still, I welcome the attempt!

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Nobody expects... a surprise haemorrhoid operation

Marketing Hack
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Facepalm

Fortunately, his wife wasn't delivering at the other hospital

The one with the sex reassignment clinic...

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Head of UK oversight body to join GCHQ 'tech help desk'*

Marketing Hack
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Devil

GCHQ's help desk?

In the "We'll help ourselves to more of your data." sense?

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Mars' 'little green men' buried alive by merciless meteorites – new theory

Marketing Hack
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Re: Just look for the styrofoam packaging...

Look at the reality TV and afternoon talk shows on right now, and tell me that we're "culturally advanced"?

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Marketing Hack
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Alien

Just look for the styrofoam packaging...

Where the aliens threw their fast food out the saucer window.

Between the Styrofoam, additives, and preservatives something is bound to have lasted a few billion years

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Italian MP threatens parents forcing veggie diets on kids with jail

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Facepalm

Why not ban vegans and vegetarians from breeding?

Seems like a small step from the proposed legislation to there!

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Australian national census fails in the IBM cloud

Marketing Hack
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FAIL

IBM really does stand for Its Better Manually!

Maybe you should send the Aussie government saying that you couldn't fill out your census, and tell them to bill your penalty to IBM.

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Internet of Car...rikey what the hell just happened to my car?

Marketing Hack
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Devil

Re: The worth

The ability to take over or disable a car would also be extremely valuable to kidnappers. If you know that celebrity/rich guy X drives a Maserati up to his/her weekend house on a somewhat regular basis, you can look for Maseratis on the road, kill the ignition and lock the celeb in the car until your snatch team rolls up, then you unlock the doors and start making your ransom demands.

And there is just good ol' corporate espionage. "Wow! Did you see that some evil bastard disabled 500,000 Fords last weekend? We over at General Motors deplore this crime, and would like to assure the public that this could never happened if you bought GM..."

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Eye of Sauron-themed trojan targets Russia, Sweden

Marketing Hack
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Devil

One (code) string to rule them?

One string to find them

One string to bring them all

And in the darkness bind them

In the land of Mordor (or Fort Meade, or Cheltenham) where the shadows lie.

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How many zero-day vulns is Uncle Sam sitting on? Not as many as you think, apparently

Marketing Hack
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Stop

Except that the NSA is supposed to be in charge of America's cyberdefense too

So two ends of the house are working against eachother. Pick an F'ing side, NSA. Especially with taxpayer money.

And also, do we really trust these guys to tell us what is going on? So we're relatively sure the NSA has enough budgeted to buy far more than 50 zero-days, and they have people working internally to find more vulnerabilities and that internal effort is not included in the budget we know about. And who knows what connections the NSA has to major corporations, getting still more zero days because they have agreements with (insert name of giant tech company here) in return for this or that favor, or because the NSA & friends has recruited some employees of these big tech companies to insert a vulnerability into products or provide copies of code.

And yes, some of these zero-days that were bought/found/inserted The fact is that we have zero idea of what the NSA is doing, or what the NSA is outsourcing to its various buddies overseas so they can "keep" some pledge they made to someone in a position of power in DC.

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Hortonworks losses deepen despite growth in subscription sales

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Facepalm

So, YoY revenue went up 46%...

And net losses increased 49%? So last year's revenue was higher quality than this year's?

Ouch! When do economies of scale start kicking in? Hortonworks sound like it needs a serious business redesign.

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California to put all your power-hungry PCs on a low carb(on) diet

Marketing Hack
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You're lack of enthusiasm and collective spirit has been noted by the Central Committee. Expect a midnight knock on the door from the guys in leather trenchcoats.

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Marketing Hack
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IT Angle

My sister lives in Oregon...

So if this results in slow PCs with illegible displays, I can always get something from across the state line.

If anyone else needs one, I can provide working IT for a very reasonable markup.

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Amazon launches its own plane line. Sort of

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Terminator

Amazon is now seeking to control the skies and has unveiled its own airline

Now Amazon is building its own air force! How long until they change their name to Buy'N Large??

(Icon is closest thing we have to Wall-E)

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Simply not credible: The extraordinary verdict against the body that hopes to run the internet

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Trollface

@Mark85 You can't buy Congress!

But the rent is very reasonable :)

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Iceland beats England again

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Coat

Re: I can actually see that

Yeah, Erdogan's basically going to be "President for Life" while Ireland is going to actually change politicians at the top of the pile from time-to-time. Ergo, Turkey is more politically stable than Ireland!

So what is your problem again? :)

(Icon shows El Presidente Erdogan changing into his presidential uniform, complete with yards of gold braid, medals and epaulets)

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US Air Force declares F-35 'combat-ready'

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Go

The F-35 is ready to be used against enemies...

But first we have to build a catapult large enough to fling them.

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Bee queens are Notch-blocking their minions, say boffins

Marketing Hack
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Re: Glad I'm not a bee

Drone bee: So baby, was it good for you?.....AAARGGHHH!!! I guess not!! I promise I'll cuddle more next time!!! Baby, I've been selfish, but I'll get us tickets for that ballet you wanted to see!!! ARRRGHHHH!!!!

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Don't want to vote for Clinton or Trump? How about this woman who says Wi-Fi melts kids' brains?

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Paris Hilton

I'm hoping the Libertarian ticket is good.

They have a town hall on CNN Wednesday night at 9 Eastern. Normally a Libertarian ticket couldn't get covered as more than a curiousity, but as unpopular as Hillary and The Donald are, third parties are getting better coverage this election.

If nothing else, Paris Hilton is looking pretty good by comparison.

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