* Posts by Marketing Hack

3376 posts • joined 18 Jun 2009

R2D2 delivery robots to scurry through the streets of San Francisco

Marketing Hack
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Happy

It just occurred to me...

That these robots are slow, and obviously do not have very high-powered locomotion skills. And San Francisco is probably the hilliest big city I know of.

I wouldn't count on that kung pao chicken arriving in time for anything other than a bad case of food poisoning if you live in a neighborhood like Twin Peaks or Bernal Heights. And if you live in Noe Valley or the Mission, order from somewhere nearby, or you might see the robot bearing your pizza go skating past your place at 30 mph as it comes down off the surrounding hills.

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Marketing Hack
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IT Angle

RobotWars: San Francisco! Download the control app on the Android and Apple stores!

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Marketing Hack
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Terminator

Screw the Jawas!!

I want to hijack a couple of these and make my own modifications.

Imagine answering your door and getting greeted with "If you ordered mushu chicken with hot and sour soup, I AM the droid you are looking for!" Or "Help me Obj-Wan, you're my only hope"

And perhaps a snide "What, no tip?" at the end.

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NASA's Europa surprise

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Alien

Updated alien instructions.

ALL THESE WORLDS

ARE YOURS EXCEPT EUROPA

ATTEMPT NO LANDING THERE (And no dumping your plastic crap in our ocean, we've seen what you've done to yours)

USE THEM TOGETHER

USE THEM IN PEACE

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Security man Krebs' website DDoS was powered by hacked Internet of Things botnet

Marketing Hack
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Go

In So-IoT Russia....

Refrigerator used to make choices about website!! :)

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High rear end winds cause F-35A ground engine fire

Marketing Hack
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Paris Hilton

Re: Dear F-35 first wave purchasers:-

Beta test? This is more like a highly paid alpha test!!

(Paris--because the F-35 program would be in better shape if she had been put in charge at the beginning.)

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Marketing Hack
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FAIL

Not marketing I am afraid. Just horrendous project management.

The good news is that the F-35 has succeeded in its primary mission--to keep Lockheed-Martin's shareholders happy.

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SpaceX: Breach in liquid oxygen tank caused Falcon 9 fireball ... probably

Marketing Hack
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Boffin

Re: 'an olympic swimming pool of trees'

Measured in official El Reg units, 4 double-decker bus eqivalents of shrubbery would also do the trick.

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And! it! begins! Yahoo! sued! over! ultra-hack! of! 500m! accounts!

Marketing Hack
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And Yahoo's management has been playing an even longer game to drive the share price down.

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US Homeland Security launches IoT willy-waving campaign

Marketing Hack
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IoT security theater!!

Run with the kind of professionalism and technical excellence you would expect from the people who brought you airline security theater and the $4.5 billion government firewall that doesn't even incorporate heuristics-based filtering.

At least they got rid of the perv-scanners in most airports.

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Despite IANA storm, ICANN shows just why it shouldn't be allowed to take over internet's critical functions

Marketing Hack
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Unhappy

Sad, just sad....

Where do we get these people, who are trusted with reasonably important public services. Instead, these keep getting turned into unaccountable, corrupt havens for status-seekers and junket-attendees.

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I want to remotely disable Londoners' cars, says Met's top cop

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Thumb Down

Creeping statism inches forward a little more...

We'll just keep compromising the technology you rely on each day. It doesn't matter if this work puts you at risk from now-insecure products, because what's at stake is the state's ability to detain you at will and without probable cause.

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Marketing Hack
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Yes, except John McClane never needed an ignition kill switch to catch the bad guys!

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Asian hornets are HERE... those honey bee murdering BASTARDS

Marketing Hack
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Re: Problem solved!

And I bet you're not worried about Asian hornets anymore, are you? Problem solved!

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Marketing Hack
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Coat

Problem solved!

"Asian honeybees surround them and cook them with their body heat as Asian honeybees can survive at higher temperatures than the hornets can."

Just need to colonize Britain with a few thousand Asian honeybee hives. What's the worst that could happen?

(Icon shows me getting into my sting-proof suit)

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Lethal 4-hour-erection-causing spiders spill out of bunch of ASDA bananas

Marketing Hack
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Devil

Re: re:natural habitat

Note to self--start shipping cages full of wolves, bears and wild cats to Britain.

Additionally, you guys can have the raccoons and skunks that live in my neighborhood.

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Re: If you sell someone edible goods, and they come with venomous spiders...

Murder?? Really?? I am no expert on British law, but in the U.S. you would not even get manslaughter. Depending on the jurisdiction, you MIGHT be able to get criminal negligence (if you can prove that the store/distributor willfully failed to properly fumigate said bananas), but for a crime, you need criminal intent. Missing a spider egg sac during fumigation and inspection procedures doesn't apply.

You could sue the crap out of the store and supplier for wrongful death, pain and suffering and product liability though.

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Marketing Hack
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Happy

Re: Is there an antidote?

So I can add "Honey! If we don't get to the bedroom right now, I'm going to die!!" to my sleazy, manipulative lines?

Spiders just moved a few spots up my personal "man's best friend" list.

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What the world really needs right now is more Comcast: US cable giant mulls wireless service

Marketing Hack
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Re: Comcast plus Verizon?

Just lock them in the room, turn off the ventilation and then flush the key!!

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Marketing Hack
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Devil

What the world needs really is more Comcast!!

Because shared suffering always brings people together!

More seriously, read this:

"If you are one of our better customers, we believe there will be a big payback with reduced churn, with more stickiness, with better satisfaction, more product purchasing from us,"

Three of the 4 positive outcomes mentioned here (reduced churn, more stickiness, more product purchasing) benefit Comcast, not its customers!! That Comcast would publicly state this and with a tone that portrays that it is doing this as some kind of favor for its customers this gives you a pretty good idea what their idea of customer service is like.

I'd encourage El Reg's readers from other nations to experience Comcast for themselves, but that probably be construed as some kind of U.S. declaration of cyber-warfare or economic espionage.

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Margaret Hodge's book outlines 'mind boggling' UK public sector waste

Marketing Hack
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Headmaster

I admire this lady's commitment!

"Called to Account: How Corporate Bad Behaviour and Government Wast Combine to Cost us Millions."

Government Wast? She even economizes on vowels!

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Naked, drunken Swede assaults chicken shed after 60th birthday

Marketing Hack
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Linux

CNN warned about the dangers of this a few days ago.

I guess this guy was having one last fling before settling into a life of salmonella-free righteousness?

http://www.cnn.com/2016/09/16/health/cdc-chicken-salmonella-trnd/index.html

(Tux--because he probably had friends in that coop.)

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World's largest internet exchange sues Germany over mass surveillance

Marketing Hack
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Unhappy

As I posted in response to another topic last week...

Anyone who thinks that this predilection for surveillance/tapping/data leakage is something that is unique to U.S. and British tech and telecoms companies is just kidding themselves. A few more mall shootings and jihadi suicide bombings and the German government will be quite happy to turn to the dark side, though perhaps they will hedge it with more hand-wringing and insincere apologies than other countries might.

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Rise of the Machines at Sea: The British firm building robot boats

Marketing Hack
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Terminator

Thanks a lot, ASV Global!

So much for the isolated island, where the last vestiges of mankind still live free...

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Swedish appeals court upholds arrest warrant for Julian Assange

Marketing Hack
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Its not all bad for Julian...

With a good agent, Assange could make a mint endorsing home furnishings, travel pillows, cable TV and video streaming services, hot plates, microwave ovens, potato chips, tanning beds, etc.

"Wesley-Barrell, the official sofa of Julian Assange!"

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Marketing Hack
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Re: None of you are asking the important question!

Thursday, June 23, 2016:

Not F'in chicken empenadas again!!

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Encryption backdoors? It's an ongoing dialogue, say anti-terror bods

Marketing Hack
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Stop

Re: The answer

If you think that the American and UK software industries are uniquely the problem and that there aren't problems using software solutions from Russia, Germany, India or elsewhere, you are kidding yourself. There are plenty of non-U.S. software vendors out there that are open to attack or data collection, either through relationships with intelligence agencies, relationships with criminal elements or snooping private interests, poor design and coding or poor storage of your data.

What is needed is open-sourced/easily audited end-to-end encryption. That's the only thing that will protect people's health records, military secrets, the Democratic Party's email servers and the intellectual property that your employer and its suppliers and partners rely on.

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Googler mad over cop scrap

Marketing Hack
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Headmaster

Re: A stacked deck

This isn't a criminal case though, it's civil. The drawbacks you cite won't apply. Civil judges don't really care to much about cops, there is no prosecutor and most civil juries give far less deference to police testimony than criminal juries. This is going to be about pain, reputational and emotional damage and inappropriate confinement.

The only criminal issue at hand is the driving without a seatbelt ticket, which isn't really even criminal.

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HPE: Come on in, cool cloud kids, we won't compete with you – unlike *cough* Dell

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Re: Leveraging synergies!

Events like this enable the establishment of win-win channel paradigms using enterprise-class offering to deliver value-added solutions to stakeholders across the value chain.

(At least that's what the press release said.)

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UK Science Museum will reconsider its 'sexist' brain quiz

Marketing Hack
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Phew! Thank goodness!!

I took that test and based on my score the it told me that my best hope for a future was marrying a nice doctor or lawyer and raising some kids. Glad to know that the problem was the machine!!

Now, if yoU'l exkuSe Me, i arE back To werk.

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US National Security Agency gets CREST smile

Marketing Hack
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Devil

Yes, lets introduce the NSA to new generations of IT security pros

It makes recruiting assets so much easier, and I'm always in favor of having the devil vet the clergy.

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Yelp wins fight to remain morally bankrupt

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Stop

Yelp are weasels, sounds like I should ignore their reviews.

Title says it all

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It actually will be Obama who decides whether to end US government oversight of the internet

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Devil

Re: I'm with the dickheads on this one.

Yes, I'm on the same side of an issue as Ted Cruz. I feel like I need a shower now.

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Edward Snowden's 40 days in a Russian airport – by the woman who helped him escape

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Childcatcher

Re: Snowden revealing methods security services use to covertly intercept terrorist communications

Snowden mostly revealed methods security services used to intercept OUR communications, and some terrorist chatter along the way.

Did it help terrorists and organized criminals to evade some interception? Yes it did, but but it also gave the 95%+ of internet users who are not criminals some pretty important insights into what was being done in their name and to their own data and free speech rights.

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Marketing Hack
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Headmaster

Re: Then there is "equal justice"

@Herby

What you pointed out goes a long way in explaining why Hillary Clinton is only a few points ahead of an obvious dim bulb/narcissist/loud mouth/fibber, and the gap is narrowing some.

And for the record, I'm not in favor of either of the two options offered up by the major parties.

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Marketing Hack
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Headmaster

"the judge would only have to prove that the information had been stolen and shared."

A lack of understanding of the U.S. legal system here. The judge does not prove anything, his job is to make sure that the letter and spirit of the law are followed. However, the Espionage Act does not allow for public service or personal conscience defenses, so if Snowden attempted one of those in U.S. court, the prosecution would most certainly object and the judge would be obliged to sustain their objection.

You can still have jury nullification, so the jury can be instructed to ignore Snowden's hypothetical public service defense, but whether or not the jury actually does during deliberations is another question entirely.

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HP Inc dumps Salesforce, adopts Microsoft's cloudy CRM

Marketing Hack
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Kind of surprised by that move

HP was Salesforce's biggest customer (at least when HP was a unified company). Well, perhaps the new PC side of the company felt the need to make nice with the PC software giant. All one big happy family, and MS Dynamics is a good CRM.

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VW Dieselgate engineer sings like a canary: Entire design team was in on it – not just a few bad apples, allegedly

Marketing Hack
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Holmes

Re: If the government had better tests...

Yes, but you have various car companies furiously lobbying to set the test parameters. You have to deal with a government agency that is responding to pressure they are getting because car company X has plants and parts suppliers in 60 congressional districts, and a good many of those Congresspeople are pinging Department of Transportation leadership about why these tests are endangering jobs and companies in their district.

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The next Bond – Basildon or Bass-Ass? YOU decide

Marketing Hack
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IT Angle

Larry Ellison needs to be a Bond villian--not Bond!

Yes, Mr. Bond, once Operation Red King is completed the ENTIRE WORLD will be paying me 22% for maintenance!!

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'Oi! El Reg! Stop pretending Microsoft has a BSOD monopoly!'

Marketing Hack
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Devil

Re: Linux BSOD on Aircraft?

@Voldand's Right Hand

You should have replied "Yes, Allah be praised!"

Especially if you wanted a long-term free Caribbean vacation.

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Curiosity rover likes big buttes but it cannot lie around

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Kicking Buttes?

Since we're taking names.

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US Congress blew the whistle on tax-dodging Apple, claims Europe

Marketing Hack
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FAIL

The U.S. needs to change its tax code.

So we don't tax overseas profits. This would help prevent these tax inversion scams as well.

However, reforming the tax code is a HUGE bear. It was briefly attempted and then dropped a few years back. The process of reforming the corporate income tax code started, but was quickly buried in lobbyists for this or that corporation or industry. So Congress decided to make the whole negotiation process secret, so the lobbyists wouldn't be on their doorstep complaining about the changes in the offing. Well, the lobbyists continued to deluge Congress anyway, and on top of that the move to secret negotiations alienated every tax reform/small business/government transparency group that had previously backed the attempt to reform the corporate code.

The result--complete collapse of the effort, since no matter what Congress did they could now only alienate powerful and/or vocal constituencies.

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US Marine Corps to fly F-35s from HMS Queen Lizzie as UK won't have enough jets

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Devil

Re: Harrier Jump Jet

That's crazy talk! And you if you think the Russians or ISIS are scary, wait until you tangle with the phalanx of lawyers, congresspeople and defense department personnel that Lockheed Martin has on retainer.

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Re: it's Pearl Harbor

RE: Pearl Harbor. Yes, PoS movie. However, Kate Beckinsale never looked better!

(Britain, can you name an aircraft carrier after Kate? Thank you.)

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Marketing Hack
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WTF?

To be fair, the U.S. didn't put a carrier near Libya because A) the U.S. was taking more of a back seat in that operation and B) Italy was right there to provide airfields.

So these new 70,000 ton British carriers will only carry 12 fixed wing aircraft each? Did I read that correctly? Not meaning any disrespect, but um, why bother? That's like building a penthouse so your dog can live there.

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Forget Khan and Klingons, Star Trek's greatest trick was simply surviving

Marketing Hack
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Re: Huh?

I really don't see how you can say that Star Trek is not science fiction. It may be more broadly written than your more favorite/eggheaded scifi writers, but it is a fictional series set in a future where technologies were different and scientific knowledge had increased well beyond the airing date of the episodes.

Sounds a lot like science fiction to me. Did H.G. wells explain how the Martians could produce heat rays or black poison gas in "War of the Worlds"? He pretty heavily intoned that the Martian attackers were launched to Earth out of great cannons on Mars, but he never explained how anyone, much less the large but physically very fragile Martians could survive the sudden massive acceleration that form of launch would create.

Likewise Jules Verne, who never explained what the "power of the universe" was that Captain Nemo had mastered to drive the Nautilus. You can't even say that Verne forsaw nuclear propulsion or power, because at the time nuclear physics was primitive to the point of being non-existant. More likely Verne thought of the Sun and thought "if we could just contain some of whatever makes stars work, we could drive a steamship with it!" For all Verne knew, what fired the stars was some special kind of combustion.

And yet, I challenge you to say that Verne and H.G. Wells were not science fiction writers.

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Call to kill FBI spying powers

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Unhappy

Yes, I'm not holding out a lot of hope here.

the average congressperson approaching re-election in November might not vote to allow this surveillance, but you're not going to see too many that are courageous enough to vote to stop the DoJ from changing their existing rules and enabling large-scale surveillance by default.

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Little boxes made of ticky-tacky: What Dell's record-busting $67bn EMC deal means

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WTF?

"current joint workforce is 140,000 – with 40,000 being sales staff."

I sincerely hope that 40K includes customer support, field marketing and perhaps a few other functions. Otherwise it sounds very sales-heavy and technologist-light.

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HPE crams unloved software down Brits' throats – then charges them $9bn to swallow it

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Unhappy

Sorry about that, Britain...

I think HP just gave you a "Pass The Trash" hand of an off-suited deuce/seven.

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You're guilty but broke, judge tells Wash.io – the 'Uber of laundry'

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FAIL

Webvan is a famous example. I still remember their commercial, which showed a couple hiking through the woods when one of them experienced nature's call but found out they had forgot to pack the toilet paper. Place your Webvan order and by the end of the commercial a van had showed up and the obliging driver packed one roll of TP out to the couple and saved the day.

The reason I remember that after 15 years? Because I was sitting there watching the commercial wondering how Webvan was dumb enough to think it was going to make money off people who needed things like 1 gallon of milk, or a pack of TP.

Wash.io sounds a lot like that.

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