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* Posts by Marketing Hack

2100 posts • joined 18 Jun 2009

STONER SHEEP get the MUNCHIES after feasting on £4k worth of cannabis plants

Marketing Hack
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Happy

Could make for some very tender mutton....

"Our sheep are raised on a special stress-reducing diet, which you can taste in the final product."

Smiley face icon, because the sheep were no doubt feeling pretty groovy and copacetic afterwards...

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Ex-US Navy fighter pilot MIT prof: Drones beat humans - I should know

Marketing Hack
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Mushroom

Re: That had me worried

Until they got sucked into the engines!!

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Marketing Hack
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Boffin

Re: That had me worried@ Irongut

Given it's clarity, packing tape would have been a much better choice!

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Are you a gun owner? Let us in OR ELSE, say Blighty's top cops

Marketing Hack
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Black Helicopters

These police powers seem pretty extreme to me...

Whenever this stuff happens, I start wondering if the more militant gun enthusiasts (who claim that the citizenry needs firearms to keep the government honest) don't actually have a point...

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Routine WHAT NOW? Bank of England’s CHAPS payment system goes TITSUP

Marketing Hack
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Happy

@ kain preacher

You obviously didn't read the story, or you would know that this is all about hiding your CHAPS!

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Marketing Hack
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Joke

Everyone knows....

A few CHAPS that are just no good!!

/rimshot

Thank you! I'm here all week!! (No, you don't have to be happy about that)

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Origins of SEXUAL INTERCOURSE fished out of SCOTTISH LAKE

Marketing Hack
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Unhappy

Ouch!!

"Meanwhile, the paper explained, the female of the species developed small paired bones to lock the male organs in place for mating."

History's first recorded coupling is also the first confirmed account of "vagina dentata"? Poor guys!!

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Sophos to offshore American support operations

Marketing Hack
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Stop

Lots of corporate doubletalk here....

OK, I can understand why a company would offshore work to somewhere that it can be done more cheaply, but let's not dress up a financially-motivated decision with transparent PR about how no jobs will be lost (unless you happen to be holding one of the ones that is being offshored) and how this will improve customer support (By getting rid of the experienced support personnel and replacing them with offshored labor)

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Citizenfour: Poitras' doco is about NSA and GCHQ – NOT Snowden

Marketing Hack
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Black Helicopters

Well, as anyone who has read my comments on the whole NSA expose can tell...

I've never been a big fan of the NSA and their self-appointed and completely opaque role atop data access in the U.S. and the world. So I will watch this documentary with a high degree of sympathy.

What's more concerning is listening to the description of Glenn Greenwald's conversion from bemused skeptic to tinfoil-hatted paranoid (and I say that in the best sense, as that is now pretty much where I am) in the space of a week.

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French 'terror law' declares WAR on the INTERNET itself, say digi-rights folks

Marketing Hack
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Re: Err.. hummm..

Derogatory measures = they fart in the internet's general direction!

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Marketing Hack
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Trollface

Re: block websites deemed to “incite” or “glorify” terrorism.

Its France, so to comply with the new law they can just re-dub V for Vendetta so that V spends the film offing gauche foreigners who like their filet mignons well-done and their coffee instant!!

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Marketing Hack
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Big Brother

Considering the number of French muslims in ISIS' leadership...

I can see where the concern comes from, but a modicum of proportionality shouldn't be too much to ask. This sounds like legislation that is soon to be abused because you questioned racial relations I. France, or holiday lengths, or organized some labor action, or accused the police of excessive force, and so on....

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Experts brand LOHAN's squeaky-clean box

Marketing Hack
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Yes, please don't bring any ebola into the U.S.

We have our own airlines to do that!!

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FBI boss: We don't want a backdoor, we want the front door to phones

Marketing Hack
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Stop

I guess Comey is creating a new role as director of the asshole patrol...

Enough of the bullshit, Comey, we're not convinced that you can manage your current powers without letting them go to your head, much less responsibly use new ones!

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Prehistoric swingbelly KANGAROOS were TOO FAT to jump – scientists

Marketing Hack
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IT Angle

No, no need to tie it down....

Sounds like a bag of donuts would have the desired effect on these 'roos!!

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€2 BILLION: Steelie Neelie wants US to pay for her Big Data splurge

Marketing Hack
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Headmaster

The definition of "servility"

Probably has something to do with getting the inmates to pay for their confinement!

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To Russia With Love: Snowden's pole-dancer girlfriend is living with him in Moscow

Marketing Hack
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Happy

I for one am happy for the pair of them if they are happy!

I have no idea if it is true love or not, but if they are happy, I am happy. Personally, I think what Snowden did was a brave thing, and I hope his GF fully supports him in it, even if it is hard to get fresh pineapple in Russia!

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Dairy Queen cuts the waffle, says bank cards creamed in 395 eateries

Marketing Hack
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Facepalm

Re: P K

I don't know about Dickian, but certainly a dick move!!

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ROBOT TROUSER SNAKE stiffens to master slippery mounds

Marketing Hack
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Holmes

"After a good deal of investigation, which involved painting reflective spots on some surprisingly cooperative rattlesnakes and videoing them in action."

Its amazing how cooperative everyone gets when you tell them they are going to be on TV!!

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Wide-ranging UK DATA SHARING moves one step closer

Marketing Hack
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Joke

Re: so we're back to ID cards again ...

"Time to not be called John Smith. I, for one, am glad of my unique combination of names ...."

I suppose this is a bad time to tell you that this initiative involves replacing your name with a UPC code tatooed on your forehead?

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Marketing Hack
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Go

Oh come on, Reg...

Emperor Palpatine swears that he needs these powers to preserve the republic, and that he will sunset them after the emergency has passed. Who are we to not take him at his word?! :)

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SPLITTERS! Symantec cleft in twain

Marketing Hack
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Go

Good!!

I won't go into the details of my time at Symantec and what we found out about combining the IT security business with datacenter software/storage, but this is a good move--just 9 years too late is all.

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'MYSTERIOUS PYRAMID STRUCTURE' found on COMET beyond Mars: Landing planned

Marketing Hack
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Flame

Re: Pyramid like?

Hey, I am your first contact with Marketeering!! (Not to be confused with Mouseketeering)

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Hey, non-US websites – FBI don't have to show you any stinkin' warrant

Marketing Hack
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Unhappy

Re: If the FBI hacked the foreign server

The FBI can get evidence from outside the country, but even if you spend your whole life in Outer Mongolia, once you appear in a U.S. court then your constitutional protections kick in, just the same as the most American of American citizens, who has never left Iowa or Kansas in his whole life.

I'd think it was pretty dangerous to essentially say "Well, the accused lived outside the U.S., so the preponderance of the evidence of his wrong-doing was outside the U.S., so we just grabbed that evidence outside the U.S. using "whatever means necessary", and now the accused has been extradited to the U.S. and is in the custody of this court."

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Marketing Hack
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Stop

I don't know the established case law....

But I do know the principal that constitutional protections apply to you as soon as you land in U.S. jurisdiction, and I think that applies to investigations that get extradited or produce evidence that is used against you in court. So I kind of think that the defense has a point that the evidence against Mr. Ulbricht was illegally obtained.

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Chatting to Al Qaeda? Try not to do that – Ex spy chief defends post-Snowden NSA

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Devil

"Asked by El Reg through a vetted question system what he most regretted about his time at the NSA, Alexander said it was the media's representation of the NSA's activities as conducted by "rotten people". He said NSA bods were dedicated individuals who shirked higher pay packets for careers spent "protecting the nation"."

Or perhaps they kind of get off on being able to bend the rules and participate in digital voyeurism. Quite frankly, the whole NSA enterprise is so secretive that we really have no idea why NSA employees serve and are given such power.

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Adobe spies on readers: 'EVERY page you turn, EVERY book you own' leaked back to base

Marketing Hack
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Here I was wondering....

How Adobe knew to contact me with helpful suggestions like "You might consider "Waikiki One-piece Wonders", the long-awaited sequel to "Busty Brazilian Bikini Babes" and "Topless in Tonga".

Really, does Adobe NEED to know what I am reading? I know that Adobe is a global software giant that wants their intellectual property rights protected, but do copyright holders in general just plain have Adobe by the short and curlies to the point that it spies on its customers? And why transmit this data unencrypted? Given what we learned post-Snowden, how much do you want to bet that it is open knowledge among global sigint agencies that you can exploit what Adobe is doing to get an idea of what people are reading?

And of course right behind the sigint agencies are the hackers and internet scammers skimming this information and devising some social engineering attack. "Wow! You like romance novels too!! You know what, I have this great interview where novelist X really opens up about her experience writing her "Patricia the Passionate" series and how she chose to set it during the Napoleonic Wars! Here, I'll email it to you. Just click on the attachment when you get the mail!"

It's bad enough that Adobe is doing this, but to do this with such shoddy security in this day and age is just unforgivably crap corporate behavior.

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Countless Belkin routers go TITSUP in massive mystery meltdown

Marketing Hack
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Ooooooooooooo!!!!

Can I be the first to say that it was the NSA or GCHQ, conducting a test of their Belkin router back door across the whole of the internet???

(The sad part is that you have to view that as at least something of a possibility....)

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New EU data chief: 'We share common targets with the United States'

Marketing Hack
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Black Helicopters

And of course you have to rely on whether or not U.S. agencies would be truthful...

Yeah, sure!, sure!! We'd never let our agreement with the EU be broken in the course of highly classified programs of which us U.S. negotiators will never be made aware of!

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Man brings knife to a gun fight and WINS

Marketing Hack
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Terminator

Re: Police robots?!

Or the Simpson's episode where the police have a robot disposing a bomb, and the robot cracks under the "cut the green wire or cut the blue wire" pressure, pulls out it's service revolver and shoots himself in the head. As I remember, Chief Wiggum then mournfully comments that the robot "only had 2 weeks until retirement".

(Can't fool me though, the Everett robot is no doubt acting incompetently to lull us meatbags into a false sense of confidence. Either that, or the robot was reprogrammed by the human resistance in the future, and then sent back to our time with a new-found respect for human life.)

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Microsoft's nightmare DEEPENS: Windows 8 market share falling fast

Marketing Hack
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Windows

I feel a little sorry for Redmond....

I'm still operating under the belief that an unpublished part of MS' settlement of monopolist charges with the U.S. Department of Justice is a requirement that, starting with XP, every second iteration of Windows desktop OS must be confusing, resource-gobbling bloatware.

Otherwise, I just can't understand why, only 5 years later, MS would sign up to repeat so many of the mistakes they made with Vista.

Who says that the DoJ let Microsoft off easy!!

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JPMorgan Chase: 76 MILLION homes, 7 MILLION small biz thumped in cyber-heist

Marketing Hack
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Boffin

Re: Scary Math.

JPMorgan is as big as a bank gets. Any bigger and they would have their own currency!

From the first paragraph of the Wikipedia article on JPM. It's Wikipedia, so this may or may not be complete bullshit :) (But it's not)

"JPMorgan Chase & Co. is an American multinational banking and financial services holding company. It is the largest bank in the United States, with total assets of US$2.515 trillion. It is a major provider of financial services, and according to Forbes magazine is the world's third largest public company based on a composite ranking.[4] The hedge fund unit of JPMorgan Chase is the second largest hedge fund in the United States.[5] The company was formed in 2000, when Chase Manhattan Corporation merged with J.P. Morgan & Co.[6]"

The good news for those of you who are overseas is that this looks a lot like their retail clientele got hacked, so probably far fewer parties outside the U.S. are at risk than might have otherwise been the case.

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Marketing Hack
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Facepalm

So over 80 million JP Morgan customers had their data hacked....

And we have to find out from an SEC filing? Isn't JP Morgan required to notify all these people before the SEC is told? And isn't it a little rich that JP Morgan says that customers won't be liable for any related financial losses as long as they let JP Morgan know about the transactions promptly--and then JP Morgan does not promptly let these customers know that they might be at risk and should be on the lookout?

Oh well, it was getting to be time to sell my shares in JPM anyway.

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Apple, Google mobe encryption good news... for TERRORISTS – EU top cop

Marketing Hack
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Well, its nice to know that over-officious law enforcement is not just a U.S. phenomenon...

"Full encryption of communication and storage online will make life very easy for the criminals and terrorists and very difficult for law enforcement and law abiding citizens. "

Mr. Oerting, I'm a law-abiding citizen, and how is full encryption going to make my life very difficult? From my perspective, I love the idea that information regarding my personal plans, movements, associations, personal business and financial transactions and political and social interactions is going to be encrypted. I'll have much less to worry about from hackers who might seek to steal my identity or leverage my personal information for criminal purposes. And of course, I will have less to worry about that my perfectly legal actions and interactions within society will not get me inappropriately placed on some government watch list, with untold damage to my economic prospects, freedom of movement and political freedoms.

YOU and your buddies at various U.S. and European alphabet agencies brought this upon yourselves, when the onward march of Moore's law seduced you into thinking it was better to surveil large portions of society, rather than really look out for the small minority of extremists and organized criminals. Now that you have been caught with your hands in everyone's cookie jars, you bitch and moan about how people want their privacy and don't understand they are really asking for anonymity. As for me, I want anonymity, because without anonymity you can easily crush my privacy using the governmental resources the EU can call on within it's own membership, much less when things get sticky enough that Mama Europa has to call in Uncle Sam, Johnny Canuck, Israel, Interpol and God knows who else you have on speed-dial to kick my privacy's ass.

I'm not doing anything wrong, if you believe differently--prove it. In the meantime, get out of my face with your bureaucratic empire-building and take responsibility for the crap you pulled, instead of patronizing me with this "We know what's best for you, the honest citizen" bullshit.

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Biz coughs up even less for security, despite mega breach losses

Marketing Hack
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Re: File this story under "This will end in tears"

Yes, I am afraid that most boards don't drill down to the IT security level when they are looking at spending initiatives, just like they don't really look at datacenter spend, or remote connectivity spend, or spending at most any other level/component of IT.

However, I can dream.

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Marketing Hack
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Childcatcher

File this story under "This will end in tears"

To set context, I haven't been in a role where I was mostly involved in IT security marketing for several years now.

Second, I've read the comments above.

I agree that security is hard to monetize, and that if there is a breach most corporations will just offer affected customers a year or two of credit monitoring. However, the brand damage of a security leak is pretty severe if you are talking about various retail operations. Customers are not very understanding when they do what you ask (give you their credit card/shipping/email/some personal info and buy stuff from you) and then you don't protect that data. If you leak their data, they do start looking for other retail options, and it does change their spending behavior with you.

Some of these other recent breaches, like healthcare records, I can't say. Here there are complex relationships and lock-ins around insurance networks and doctors. However, leaking personal healthcare information (PHI) in the U.S. is an expensive matter if you get taken to court in a class action.

Given these huge breaches we have been seeing lately, reducing IT security spend seems like a dangerous bet. However, if these boards of directors weigh the options and decide that reduced spend is in the best interests of the company, then hopefully they will take some ownership if something bad does happen. My concern is that they are not looking at IT security spending, and just at the IT budget in general and saying "Yep, that budget only grows the 3% we asked you to meet for the coming year. So we approve". Then the board gets ambushed because IT security spending got pushed to the side so that some other more easily monetized IT spend could get prioritized.

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US Attorney Gen latest to roast Apple, Google mobe encryption

Marketing Hack
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Thumb Down

In a somewhat related story, the NSA's university recruiting/outreach person talks about hiring...

http://www.cnbc.com/id/102046408

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Marketing Hack
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Big Brother

"It is fully possible to permit law enforcement to do its job while still adequately protecting personal privacy."

Then fucking do that, Eric. So far, your primary interest seems to be in waxing various poles in the law enforcement and intelligence communities, instead of protecting the rights of the citizenry.

And I heard about your retirement. On your way out, don't let the door hit ya' where the dog should of bit ya'.

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Hey Brit taxpayers. You just spent £4m on Central London ‘innovation playground’

Marketing Hack
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Re: Toss...

If only those people living in cardboard could "Exercise world-class innovation to develop potentialities within the data value chain", they'd have a new place to crash!

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'This BITE MARK is a SMOKING GUN': Boffins probe ancient assault

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I guess the dinosaur should have listened to Matt Hooper...

But no, it waited until this particular problem swam up and bit it in the ass!!

(And yes, we're going to need a bigger boat!)

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DOLPHINS SMELL MAGNETS – did we hear that right, boffins?

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Joke

Well, of course the dolphins responded like that!!

They're smart, self-interested animals, and if given the chance to get a free tesla....

(The American Humane Society certifies that no animals were amused in the publishing of this joke)

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Scrapping the Human Rights Act: What about privacy and freedom of expression?

Marketing Hack
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FAIL

Re: Just Within The Law

"Just within the law" is a ridiculous reason for the state to surveil or suspect people. For example, my property tax bill is coming up. When I pay it, I will pay what it indicates that I owe the county--and not a penny more. I will literally be one penny away from underpaying my taxes and pretty much as close to skirting the law as is possible.

Should I be placed on some list of potential tax cheats because I pay exactly what the county says that I owe?

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Oracle plans German DCs to soothe NSA-ruffled nerves

Marketing Hack
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Black Helicopters

This is just like Oracle building Sun servers in Germany...

It just appeals to the "made in Germany" crowd. But until there is serious reform to the Patriot act and other laws, it's basically window-dressing.

And even if there is reform, I'm willing to bet paychecks that there is some serious hoovering of data being done by European sigint agencies. Either by themselves or as part of reciprocal arrangements with the NSA, NATO or other European sigint agencies. There is a lot of awareness among European spooks of what the U.S. is doing/has been doing, and a realization that the U.S. provides an outsized proportion of sigint that is available and useful to these agenies. Further, they know that if European sigint agencies want to keep that NSA feed, they need to contribute something back to their U.S. benefactors.

It's just that in Europe, there hasn't been a real Snowden-type figure to come forward and expose the local skullduggery. If there were, I think people would be alarmed by what they find.

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Larry: Oracle's now a CLOUDY biz. Ignore everything I said before

Marketing Hack
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Re: Ellison goes where he thinks the money is

Yes, I know more than a couple people who left Oracle last decade because they wanted to press cloud services, and Oracle finance in particular pushed back decisively on the grounds that "You're not going to cannibalize our maintenance stream". Of course, that leaves the marketplace to the then-insurgents like Salesforce.com, Workday and Netsuite, who don't care what happens to Oracle's maintenance revenue stream.

That being said, Oracle does seem to have a certain level of religion on cloud services now. But they are kind of a "me-too" offering at this point.

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Inequality increasing? BOLLOCKS! You heard me: 'Screw the 1%'

Marketing Hack
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Holmes

The fact is that in Western Countries where inequality is increasing...

Working-class, middle class and poor people want THEIR prospects and the prospects for THEIR loved ones to improve, and have a rather tangential "well, that's nice" take on whether or not equality in India or China is improving. That's a very natural and understandable human reaction, and people have some expectation that their leaders will do something to help THEM, and not just try to more efficiently manage the decline of the majority of the working population in the West.

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That glass of water you just drank? It was OLDER than the SUN

Marketing Hack
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Boffin

Since our solar system is only 4.5 billion years old....

And the universe is about14-15 billion years old.... And I have no idea how old he Milky Way is, but probably a lot older than the solar system....

I'd say the water came from the remains of previous long-dead stars from billions of years ago, plus some hydrogen that had also been floating through space for billions of year.

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Big dinosaur wowed females with its ENORMOUS HOOTER

Marketing Hack
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Re: American slang

And chicken wings. And yes, the chicken wings at Hooter's are actually pretty good!

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'Space bubbles' may have helped Taliban down 'copter in bloody Afghanistan battle

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Black Helicopters

Re: Just saying

The real explanation for MH370 is that maintaining the Bermuda Triangle off the coast of North America is kind of expensive, but Wipro and Tata offered a smoking hot deal to outsource the triangle to the Indian Ocean.

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'In... 15 feet... you will be HIT BY A TRAIN' Google patents the SPLAT-NAV

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Joke

Re: NoNoNo

But I am not sure what the demand would be like for the roasted nuts involved....

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Marketing Hack
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Go

Next year--Gfoodtaster!!

"Yes, I'd like to order the bacon double cheeseburger with extra mayonaisse and super-sized fries....Hmmm, my phone is vibrating...and no caller...hmmm......And hey, those deep-fried fishsticks look good too. Is the fish fresh?....No?? Well, no worries, give me a large order of those too!.....Damn!!, what is going on with this phone?!....."

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