* Posts by Joefish

686 posts • joined 17 Jun 2009

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Lost WHITE CITY of the MONKEY GOD found after 500 years

Joefish
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Holmes

Re: White City of the Monkey God

Apart from the Gold Monkey...

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Money from apps? It's all about Apple iOS, says survey

Joefish
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Holmes

So, basically, there's bog-all money in apps.

Unless it's an e-commerce app, in which case the minute fractional kickback from all the sales/bookings that go through it is worth vastly more than the pittance you could hope to make off any of your own schemes.

As for platform, people who've bought an Apple product are slightly more easily parted from their cash, but then by publishing for it, all you do is demonstrate that you are as well.

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Ads watchdog: Er, what does woman in her undies have to do with ‘slim’ phone?

Joefish
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WTF?

At least a good design can make a product attractive and desirable.

Now explain to me how overtly sexualised dancing by a woman is the message you want to get across to shift some overpriced tins of sodding cat food...

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Post-pub nosh neckfiller: The Red Dwarf chilli chutney egg sarnie

Joefish
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Angel

Re: My egg butties were inspired somewhat by V's 'eggy-in-the-basket' skills...

It's harder with softer mass-market white bread to do the rather delicate horizontal slicing without the structure buckling and the odd thumb coming off here and there. Though feel free to start by baking yourself a fresh cob in a traditional style then continuing where you left off...

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Joefish
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Devil

My egg butties were inspired somewhat by V's 'eggy-in-the-basket' skills...

And a 'King Rollo' comic strip where Hamlet the cat steals a slice of cake undetected by ingeniously slicing it from the bottom.

- Take a large wholemeal bread roll and carefully slice horizontally into three, favouring the middle slice as the thickest. Roughly cut a circle out from the middle of the centre slice.

- Lightly fry the middle slice in oil, both sides, then (mayhap needing a dash more oil) crack an egg into the hollow, and again fry both sides in an 'over-easy' style.

- Very lightly toast the top and bottom crusts. Spread a little butter on them and add sauce / chilli jam / Polish supermarket 'pikanty' ketchup with a pinch of salt.

- Re-assemble the three layers of the original bread roll, now including egg and sauce.

- Consume loudly.

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GRUNTY CHIMPS 'blend in among locals' after moving to Scotland

Joefish
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Trollface

Maybe...

Maybe they just have a different tonal expression for deep-fried apples in batter.

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Post-pub nosh neckfiller: Sizzling sag aloo

Joefish
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Re: Looks tasty

No-one's deep frying anything.

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Joefish
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Pint

OK, I've optimised my Greek style Pork Gyros Pitta to avoid too many pans.

It's intended to go with three of those new-fangled rectangular pitta wraps (most UK supermarket wraps are too thin and weedy). You'll also need a garlic-y dip. Most supermarket tsatziki is too feeble, though onion and garlic is usually good.

You also need one big spud, a tomato, a small onion, and half a supermarket pork loin (about 200g of good lean pork).

Peel the spud and chop into long thin chips. Shallow fry in olive oil until browning a bit. Move to the side of the pan (yep, no need for a chip pan; surprisingly doesn't impair the result).

Slice off the tomato top and bottom and slice the rest thinly and set aside for garnish.

Slice the onion and pick out a few outer rings, about 1/3, cut them in half, and set aside for garnish. Chop the rest finely and fry with a little salt and garlic.

Slice the pork loin thinly, like you're doing sushimi. You can use the same knife as before. Add to the pan.

Add a couple of teaspoons of dried oregano, one and a half of parsley (or one, then a half of dill if you have it), one of paprika (regular/sweet, not smoked) and a third of a one of cayenne pepper (by all means meddle with these ratios - just don't skimp). Season with salt and black pepper. Stir around a lot.

With the meat cooked through, fold in the 'chips' to the mix.

To serve, lay out the pitta, long edge to the top. Add a desert-spoon sized dollop of dip and spread around the general middle area. Add some of those raw onion curls and slices of tomato, then a third of the meat and chips, in a vertically-oriented heap half-way across. Wrap up and eat.

Just beware of the odd drip from the bottom as the oil and dip mix and get too close to one end.

(In an authentic one, the meat is marinated for much longer, the chips are done separately, and there's some weird trick of twisting a circular pitta into a cone with the aid of a half-open paper bag. I have yet to master this final skill. Note the icon represents a pint of cold Mythos, recently imported by Morrisons).

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Joefish
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Re: Looks tasty

Yep, infuses the oil, the better to then get those flavours deeper into the spuds.

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Why Microsoft's 3D HoloLens goggles aren't for Google Glassholes

Joefish
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Facepalm

Lots of technical applications for this.

Very few in entertainment. Does anyone seriusly play the AR games on a 3DS more than once? Surely all it would take would be some sort of detachable blackened surround to do immersive VR?

But no, another fail from Microsoft.

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Sick of the 'criminal' lies about pie? Lobby the government HERE

Joefish
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Thumb Up

Completely agree

Just got served a 'pie' in our canteen that was a spoonfull of chicken remnants with chopped ham, then this ridiculous puffed-up flaky rugby ball dropped on top of it, that you then have to carry to a table on a tray hoping it doesn't just roll off onto the floor. Criminal indeed.

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Bloke in Belgium tries to trademark Je Suis Charlie slogan

Joefish
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Devil

Re: I'm 50/50 here / Spaghetti and Meatballs

Next time you're faced with the 'I don't support murder but they should have expected it' lunacy, simply ask the agitant if they drink coffee? Because to do so offends the prophet - Joeseph Smith, of the Mormon church. According to him, God forbids the taking of narcotics and stimulants. So, how are they going to change their behaviour now knowing that they offend the prophet several times a day? Are they going to stop doing it?

Because this insidious notion that everyone else has to conform to any one religion's blasphemy laws, so as not to cause offence, is not just offensive and hypocritical in itself, but is exactly the sort of 'religious law by-the-back-door' that the white supremacist loons are railing against.

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'F*** you', exclaims Google Translate app, politely

Joefish
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Trollface

Re: costly

Ah, but sadly not the 'Quarter Pounder'...

Surely the ultimate test of translation speed has to be to accurately render the full meaning of the expression 'Put mayonnaise on my chips muthaf*cka I dare you' in time before they press down that pump handle and ruin your one chance at half-decent food in that little clogged land 'neath the sea.

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'I've got a brick feeling about this' - El Reg's guide to the best Lego films + TV

Joefish
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Facepalm

One word:

Camelot?

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Don't panic, US Navy has only deployed a ROBOT SHARK (but where are the lasers?)

Joefish
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It may be the wedge shape and broad fins of the shark

are better as planes for diving and ascending in a smaller space, rather than the tuna, which is streamlined for speed in open water.

But most likely that for inshore operations, a shark is more easily dismissed than a fast oceanic fish like a tuna; not many tuna wander in and loiter around busy harbours.

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Social media data is RIDDLED with human behaviour errors, boffins warn

Joefish
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Holmes

Ah, the old favourite get-out clause of psychologists and economists the world over:

"...Ruths remained optimistic about researchers using social media in their studies, if they tackle the problems outlined..."

Translated:

"My findings [X] are entirely true for situations where [Y] is true."

(knowing full well [Y] is never going to happen in a billion years).

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US Navy's LASER CANNON WARSHIP: USS Ponce sent to Gulf

Joefish
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Pirate

Re: USS Ponce

Rest assured the US Navy (and much of the UK armed forces) were equally amused by the commisioning of F93 HMS Beaver (1984-1999). Although there was an affinity with the new Beaver-Scout movement, it was already the tenth RN vessel to be commissioned under that name.

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FORGET the CLIMATE: FATTIES are a MUCH BIGGER problem - study

Joefish
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Boffin

Someone selectively omitted 'having children' from that list, I notice.

That's if you really want to talk about social burdens...

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You think the CLOUD's insecure? It's BETTER than UK.GOV's DATA CENTRES

Joefish
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Flame

"Cloud providers live or die by their cloud security.”

Yes, Maude, and when they die, they take you with them, and there's fuck-all-on-toast you can do about it.

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Webcam hacker pervs in MASS HOME INVASION

Joefish
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Paris Hilton

Re: Erm..

Yep, it took me a good read down the comments before I even twigged what was going on. For a site like El Reg to compound the error in its headline is a rather embarrasing failure. Warrants 20 lashes from a multi-plug power lead and a dozen Hail Adas, at least.

NETCAMs, not WEBCAMs, OK?

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NXT: The first SPAAAACE cryptocurrency

Joefish
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Boffin

Well, no, it's not.

NXT is a LEGO Robotics Microcontroller. A real thing that actually exists and is actually worth something.

(Well, alright, it's been superceded by EV3, but I haven't opened mine yet; there's still 34 days to go...)

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ATTACK OF THE DRONES: ‘Nefarious’ private use rising, says top Blighty copper

Joefish
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Black Helicopters

'Paedoflies Everywhere Spying on Your Private Activities'.

Of course they're already being used extensively to invade leisure parks that ban childless adults for obviously being paedos. It must be true; you just read it right here on the internet. And to prove it, here's some pictures our reporter took earlier of two unsuspecting teenage...

Yep, you're ahead of me.

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Stephen King, William Gibson and The Quantum Moment

Joefish
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The problem I see with Stephen King

is he has his fans, and they keep buying his books, and they seem to like them getting longer each time, wrapped in the minutiae of revisiting the same settings under different circumstances over and over. For anyone who wants to dip in occasionally, or anyone new, the latest tomes come across as great turgid doorstops.

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Post-pub nosh neckfiller: The MIGHTY Scotch egg

Joefish
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I'm not convinced that airfyers are all that much safer -

Plenty of reports of them turning nasty when the fan packs up.

Anyway, seen some special scotch eggs in supermarkets with pork and apple in the mix. Also a nice crunchy coating, which I'd guess is made from crushed corn flakes. Tasty, though sadly not in a fresh-home-made still-warm sort of way.

As for American sausages claiming to be 'all meat', I've seen the expression heavily abused as there'll be ground meat in there, but a disproportionate amount of fat added later. In traditional dried sausage-making it's added (a) as a preservative (b) for calories for trail food and (c) no other bugger wants to eat it, but for frying sausages it's a con.

I know of putting rusk or breadcrumbs into burgers to absorb the flavoursome fat, but I'd have thought it's not so vital with sausages, which have a skin to do that. And as for criticising British sausages for such practices, a lot worse seems to go on on the continent, where so many 'regional specialities' were actually developed using all sorts of produce as filler and flavour to overcome a basic poverty of meat. British sausages were known for containing too much water (why they're called 'bangers' when fried - they could explode), but no-one accepts that any more and any decent butcher will let them hang for a bit to dry and shrink slightly.

As for snacks, I hope it's already on the list, but a Pork Pita Gyros has got to be tried.

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Sky: We're no longer calling ourselves British. Yep. And Broadcasting can do one, too

Joefish
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Re: It used to be that...

You can watch 'Pick' if you like, or get Sky1 through a cable package.

Though both largely consists of unending adverts for Ladbrokes, and, you guessed it, Sky Sports packages.

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Doctor Who trashing the TARDIS, Clara alone, useless UNIT – Death in Heaven

Joefish
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Trollface

So once again, all you need to defeat the Cybermen

is a crying baby...

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Greeks BEST in WORLD – at, er, breaking their mobile phones

Joefish
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Happy

Re: Okay, I'll bite...

*Good Grief*

Anyway, Donner Kebab? Someone needs to try a Pork Pita Gyros, and soon - you're missing out on a treat matey. Nom Nom. Mine's the one with a SqueezyJet return ticket in the pocket...

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Joefish
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Devil

Are there any statistics on how many TVs get smashed

whenever a certain patronising over-priced personal device insurance advert is broadcast?

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Joefish
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Joke

Now do...

...dinner plates.

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One hard ghoulie: 1985's Ghosts 'n Goblins

Joefish
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Re: The Speccy version was not that bad

If you can look past the lack of colour and farty sound, the Speccy version had the best translation of the original gamplay of any of the 8-bit home computer conversions. Dismissing it as 'crap' suggests someone had a quick glance at the various screenshots and thought 'that'll do'. Similarly Keith Burkhill's other Speccy masterpiece, Space Harrier, looks smudgy in a screenshot and lacks certain enemy sprites, but get it moving and the slickness is way ahead of the blocky character-based C64 translation - or the laughably vector-based Amstrad port.

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Arrrr GOSH! Argos website goes titsup to make it EVEN BETTER

Joefish
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Re: Ah Bless

Even more bizarrely, now when you click on offers or new items, it actually enters strings like "FABULOUS DISCOUNTS ON TOP TOY LINES" into the search text and just refreshes.

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Joefish
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Angel

Yep, long live Argos, long live LEGO 3-for-2 with online reserving!

Also they seem to uniquely have one of those Eco-Drive recharging watches with a digital display for the date, so you don't have to dick around with a dial thing every month to set it back to the 1st. Just put a bag over your head or something so you're not recognised at the Lizzy Dook counter.

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Peep peep! All aboard the £300m UK education IT procurement express

Joefish
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Because they have to be seen to be obtaining value-for-money, no matter what it costs to do so.

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El Reg spends One Night in Hell with Queen's Brian May

Joefish
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Meh

That image, along with most 'Magic Eye' (autostereogram) ones

rely on you looking past the image, with your eyelines approaching parallel, not cross-eyed.

Not sure what the fuss is about other than Brian May's involvement though, as I've seen Victorian stereogram cards reproduced in several autostereogram collection books (just not the actual 'Magic Eye' ones).

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HUGE SHARK as big as a WWII SUBMARINE died out, allowing whales to exist

Joefish
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Mushroom

Re: Oh no! // Another crappy SciFi channel movie

I think you'll find it's already been done. Several times in fact.

Even Nigel Marven had a go in a time-travelling yacht.

The suggestion there was that it was in fact the whales' increasing size that led to the Megalodon's extinction; it allowed them to migrate to the poles, where it was too cold for the shark to follow.

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MARS NEEDS WOMEN, claims NASA pseudo 'naut: They eat less

Joefish
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Re: Women are smaller, and thus consume less

It did also occur to me that the answer is then to select smaller men. That this logic escaped the author leads me to question the validity of other arguments.

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Ex-US Navy fighter pilot MIT prof: Drones beat humans - I should know

Joefish
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I think there's some missing reasoning here...

How do we get from 'it's more comfy to sit a hundred miles behind your own lines and remote-pilot a plane into a combat zone than to be sat in it taking fire' to 'it's similarly much better to be sat in a car you have no control over'?

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STONER SHEEP get the MUNCHIES after feasting on £4k worth of cannabis plants

Joefish
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"Look Shaun - I'm a cloud!"

There's a similar highly suspicious tale told on tours of the Greek island of Kefalonia, about a farmer who applied for permission to fence off the end of a gully to keep his goats off the road, and - so the tale is told - everyone agreed his goats appeared much happier behind the barrier. The reason being, the fence was actually keeping people out of his weed plantation and the goats were enjoying the side-effects.

Though doubt sets in when one wonders how much weed you'd actually be able to grow with a load of goats around munching everything in sight down to the ground. But it's not in the right spirit to raise such questions...

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SDI wars: WTF is software defined infrastructure?

Joefish
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Joke

Re: SDI - Suddenly I'm reminded of Ronald Reagan

Didn't you know? We ran out of TLAs in the mid-nineties. At least some of them are being recycled.

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Joefish
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Devil

So instead of buying a f***ton of cheap proven storage,

Or even renting a f***ton of forrin storage from some shady rep you've never met,

You buy a f***ton of new expensive unproven hardware to juggle your data and drag it around between lots of people you've never met without you really knowing where any of it is?

Does this remind anyone of the financial industry, where the trick is to invent some entirely new financial 'instrument' (as they call it) that seems perfectly robust, shift as many as you can, then run off with the cash before anyone has time to actually think about it for a bit?

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Apple KILLS SUPER MARIO. And Zelda. And Sonic

Joefish
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Paris Hilton

Re: What did people expect?

Since when were the ST and Amiga locked down? Anyone could code for them and loads did. And there were loads of 3rd party books, tools and compilers to help you do it. PC gaming then took off as 3D graphics cards came of age, which was simply the one bit of the ST/Amiga you couldn't easily replace.

Anyway, you'll find that legitimate emulators such as Spectaculator are still going strong on iOS with full permission of the hardware and software copyright holders. This is merely a final lock-out of piracy-based emulation.

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Oracle will 'kill MySQL' and steal its users? Ha ha, haha, ha. Seriously, we won't – Oracle exec

Joefish
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FAIL

It's not so much what Oracle intends to do with MySQL...

As what they will inevitably do with it simply by being Oracle.

But then MySQL had already poisoned the well with their FUD tactics to try and sell unwanted and unnecessary licenses, long before even Sun stepped in to the frame, never mind Oracle.

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SpaceX Dragon cargo truck flies 3D printer to ISS: Clawdown in 3, 2...

Joefish
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Re: what sort of 3d printer?

Looks like an additive type, the sort that feeds in plastic, softens it with heat at the print head, and builds up the model in layers. A fancy version of a hot-glue-gun. They mention a next iteration using 'higher temperature plastics'. There was some discussion before about printing metal parts, but the only way I know of of achieving that is with laser sintering of powder, which relies on gravity to keep the powder in a level bed.

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Virgin Media blocks 'wankers' from permissible passwords

Joefish
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FAIL

Re: Merde!

Exactly - it's almost as if they're worried that an unencrypted list of passwords may be leaked, or that perhaps an employee might be asked to read out a user's password over the phone...

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Boffins attempt to prove the UNIVERSE IS JUST A HOLOGRAM

Joefish
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Coat

Re: Problem I have with the hologram theory...

Doesn't matter how small something really is; there's a fundamental difference between a 2-D shell in 3-D space and a 3-D object. Then again, considering electron orbits, maybe it is just shells all the way down...

So we were at least partly right with the turtles...

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Joefish
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Boffin

Problem I have with the hologram theory...

How does a hologram encoded in two dimensions represent anything other than a 2-D surface projected into three dimensions? Holograms as we know them are merely infinitely thin projected surfaces; they're unable to encode any concept of solidity. One object hidden behind or placed inside another would cease to exist.

I supppose if you imagine everything to be at least semi-permeable to at least some form of radiation, you'd have the equivalent of nested coloured glass objects, which could be represented holographically. But still, is that enough information to represent the properties of everything intersecting a particular line of sight?

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Six of the best gaming keyboard and mouse combos

Joefish
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Yes, and if you read the post, I'm suggesting a single hand-held directional device in the left hand; this still leaves you free to use a mouse in the right hand as a targetting device for FPS games. It can also give you analogue directional control rather than the contorted digital input of your typical WASD settings. Perhaps you could address the actual suggestion rather than your own straw man.

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Joefish
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Some of those mice may be responsive, but frankly, they look ridiculous.

As for playing games with a keyboard - why would anyone do that?

Two alternatives for FPSs that are infinitely more responsive and don't leave you with arthritic claws at the ends of your arms; (1) USB/Wii adaptor and a nunchuk analogue stick in the left hand. (2) PS1/2 adaptor and an ASCIIWare Grip pad in the left hand. Very surprised there's no direct USB version of either of these. Even if you run out of buttons, you can still reach over and jab a keyboard key without taking your thumb off the directional control.

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