* Posts by Field Marshal Von Krakenfart

1735 publicly visible posts • joined 13 Jun 2009

Google's 'clean' Linux headers: Are they really that dirty?

Field Marshal Von Krakenfart
Joke

crApple

What's apple got to do with any of this?

Microsoft compares Amazon cloud to 'horseless carriage'

Field Marshal Von Krakenfart
Joke

If MickySoft made horseless carriage

An Oldie....

1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT." But then you would have to buy more seats.

6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five per cent of the roads.

7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

9. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.

10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.

11. MickeySoft would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps, even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more.

12. Every time MickySoft introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

13. You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.

Santander mixes up 35,000 bank statements

Field Marshal Von Krakenfart

£200 for a 79p overdraft!!!!

Can I introduce to Mr Yorkshire Bank plc are Fascist Bastards?

In-flight fight for stubborn iPhone-loving teen

Field Marshal Von Krakenfart

Be fair....

Mandy was working hard..... memorizing the lines that the music industry had given him to learn

Apple patent endangers unbiased product reviews

Field Marshal Von Krakenfart
Joke

Nice...

I predict that I will not be buying crApple products.

If that prediction turns out to be true will crApple give me a an iPhone?

Microsoft 'sorry' as Hotmail bug hits 17,000

Field Marshal Von Krakenfart
Boffin

Shock, horror,

as MickySoft product fails to work.......

Anti-virus skulduggery - upgrade licence clock shock slammed

Field Marshal Von Krakenfart

Ah-ha

The politicians lie.... They don't lie to you, they just don't tell the truth

Supermarket techie in mega loyalty-point blag

Field Marshal Von Krakenfart
Boffin

Aardvark to zzzzzzzzzzzzzz

No, what happened is that the bank was going to run a promotion along the lines of "accounts for aardvark to ???????" and want to know what was the first and the last (alphabetically sorted) names of people in the bank and got suspicious when the found an account where the names was all Zs.

Can't have been a very good programmer, he forgot to check for boundary conditions i.e. when setting up bogus accounts, pick a common name (John Smith etc)

Calls for US nudie perv scanner 'opt-out day'

Field Marshal Von Krakenfart
Black Helicopters

No vested interests

Having read the Washington post article, it seems that Chertoff is using the fact that Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab was not on the suspected terrorist /no fly list as justification to put the perv scanners in airports.

That's Michael Chertoff, the second United States Secretary of Homeland Security under President George W. Bush and co-author of the USA Patriot Act, consultant to and shareholder in Rapiscan Systems, which has received $250 million in scanner orders, complaining that Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab was not on Homeland Security's no-fly list.

Conspiracy theorist, moi? never..

Project managers: fall-guys or heroes?

Field Marshal Von Krakenfart
Alert

PRINCE 2

The Independent recently stated that the UK taxpayer is currently saddled with £26.3bn of government IT projects that are deemed “not fit for purpose”.

But I thought all UK gruberment projects supposed to be managed using PRINCE 2 (PRojects IN a Controlled Environment)?

So who wrote the business case and the expected benefits and costs?

The business case is usually written by the senior business user (PRINCE 2 role), the project executive (PRINCE 2 role) is responsible for verifying that the benefits are achievable and represent value for money and the business case is used at each stage by the project board (PRINCE 2 role - comprises at least:- senior business user, senior supplier and executive) to ensure that the project is still on target.

Oh hang on I think I see the problem, the senior business user is a civil servant, the executive is a civil servant and the senior supplier is a large consultancy firm....

Therefore project manager = fall guy (or girl)

MS hits back in Security Essentials row

Field Marshal Von Krakenfart
Boffin

Hmmmm....

Why does the idea of a MickySoft antivirus not make me feel my PC is secure.... Possibly the same way the MickeySoft firewall does not block unauthorized communication with redmond and its minions.

My experience of MickeySoft is such that they are the last people I would go to to get anti-virus software. It would be a bit like going to PC world to get a PC

Vulture 1 rolls out of fab bunker

Field Marshal Von Krakenfart
Boffin

I have my doubts if it will fly

Blunt nose, high aerodynamic drag,

The crinkly wing covering is also bad for the laminar flow over the wing, by the way which NACA profile are you using?

I also note you do not provide any pictures of Paris's flaps, does Paris have any flaps? Plain flaps are the simplest, however fowler flaps would be more efficient, but more complex, as these flaps slide backwards before hinging downwards.

One last question, does Paris have a black box?

Field Marshal Von Krakenfart
Paris Hilton

Well....

the part where the pilot fits is called the cockpit....

WD thrusts forth its mighty 3TB internal hardness

Field Marshal Von Krakenfart
Boffin

Big numbers

It's nothing to do with than the CPU's ability to use big numbers, the limiting factor for disk sizes is the fact that the boot sector uses a 32-bit field for the count of the number of sectors on a disk, this limits the volume size to 2 TB regardless of whether you use FAT, NTFS of UFS.

Dixons risks future of humanity with Star Wars-themed ads

Field Marshal Von Krakenfart
Welcome

I for one...

welcome our tumble drier using smoothie making bread baking alien lizard overlords...

Ryanair wins ihateryanair.co.uk because of £322 ad revenue

Field Marshal Von Krakenfart
FAIL

Thanks

to swineair and michael o'dreary, I now have the site bookmarked.

4chan launches DDoS against entertainment industry

Field Marshal Von Krakenfart
FAIL

law abiding respectable entertainment companies

LOL, presumably you mean "law abiding respectable entertainment companies" like SONY that illegally installed rootkit software on peoples PC's that could be used by virus writers as well, just because somebody played a "protected CD" on their PC.

Once again the copyright mafia show that they feel they are above the law, a case of don't do as we do, do as we say.

Field Marshal Von Krakenfart
FAIL

What did this acheive?

I mean who on earth wants to look at the MPAA and RIAA webshites anyway?

Jailbreaker alert: Apple TV runs iOS

Field Marshal Von Krakenfart
Joke

"iProd"

is that what Ian Paisley uses to listen to his music?

Intel confirms HDCP copy-protection crack

Field Marshal Von Krakenfart

Copy protection doesn't work

The market has already decided what it will pay... my son lives in merkin-land and me has as part of his cable package he has netflix, which enables him to queue up the films he wants to watch, and he has access to then until he wants to remove them from his list.

And he's not limited to single films either, entire seasons wold count as 1 choice, e.g. South park season 8 would count as 1 choice.

And all for $9.99 a month, makes sky movies look fairly shit

Field Marshal Von Krakenfart
FAIL

Steam works?

Steam is a load of bollicks, I had the misfortune to buy a game that was stream protected, it installed a 60MB runtime that was ALWAYS loaded and was constantly STEALING my internet broadband, even when I was not playing the game.

Stream is not a DRM scheme, it is a marketing tool, it kept offering me free game demos.

Note that I speak in the past tense.

I've said it before, my PC, my Broadband, I own the battlefield, so THQ and every other games producer that uses stream, you can shove your fucking games up your arse while you are using that stream shit..... Don't you just love it when the one thing stream is supposed to prevent, is the one thing it helps promote!!!! What a bunch of assholes.

Police spent tens of thousands on failed BitTorrent probe

Field Marshal Von Krakenfart
Boffin

Yes, but....

The copyright media pay the politicians who tell the plods what to do....

Field Marshal Von Krakenfart

Ark Royal

Is it a Freudian slip? Wasn't the Ark Royal torpedoed while it was in a "safe harbor" (Scapa Flow)

Field Marshal Von Krakenfart
Thumb Down

Don't do as we do, do as we say...

Many years ago I was a BIG fan of a particular band and I bought all their albums on vinyl.

The band broke up in 1980 but interest in the band was maintained in part by word of mouth and, ironically, and a lot of music sharing

Unknown to the band (allegedly), their record company/management sold off all their back catalog to another company who a few years ago started selling the back catalog on CD at €9.99 each, and yes I bought quite a lot of them (for the second time).

The band then realised what was happening and started a long legal battle to regain their back catalog, and when they got control of it they immediately bumped the price of all their CDs to €18.99 (including the live "double album" which fits on 1 CD anyway).

Having saturated the marked with their back catalog, they are now re-releasing a lot of their CDs with the dreaded bonus tracks (i.e. spurious live recordings) for €18.99 as it's much more profitable to entice people into buying all their music for a third time rather than releasing a separate CD with all this co-called bonus material on it

It seems to me that some parts of the music industry, while they object to being ripped off, have no problem ripping off joe public.

As the saying goes, "what goes around, comes around"

Apple inks Ping trademark deal with golf gear maker

Field Marshal Von Krakenfart
Jobs Horns

Pancakes

So I guess it will only be a short time before stompenfurer jobs sues the International House of Pancakes aka the iHop.

Cyber-jihadists deface home of teddy bears' picnic

Field Marshal Von Krakenfart
FAIL

RE the 72 Virgins

'sfunny how everyone seems to assume that the 72 virgins are female, would a female jihadist/whack-job suicide bomber be met by 72 male virgins?

Does the jihadist /whack-job suicide bomber have to marry the 72 virgins, otherwise they'd both have to be stoned, and I don't mean on the whacky-bacy, for committing adultery.... well the women will be stoned for committing adultery.

And why do people refer to them as religious wars? Most "religious" wars are not between different religions but between sects of the same religion, the Iran-Iraq war was essentially between Sunnis and Shiites, Catholics and Protestants in northern Ireland have been fighting each other for about 600 years. Judaism, Christianity and Islam are all refereed to as the faiths of Abraham. they all worship the same god!

So whoever made the "your imaginary friend is better that your imaginary friend" type posting should have said "my version of our imaginary friend is better than your version of our imaginary friend"

All I can say is thank the flying spaghetti monster that I'm an agnostic.

Man sentenced for DIY gift-card cloning

Field Marshal Von Krakenfart
FAIL

Zepeda is a hero!

Most people are missing the point. Zepeda committed a computer crime, but lets be clear about one thing, this is not any clever computer hack, Zepeda just noticed a flaw in the existing human systems.

The companies concerned could have prevented the scam by the simple expedient of not placing the cards where they can be freely accessed (until a crooked employee becomes part of the scam), but no, the companies want to stick the cards in your face every time you go to the cash register, it's the cheap way to advertise them. You don't see banks doing the same thing with credit/debit cards do you? I wonder why.

Zepeda should not get a criminal record out of this, he should be rewarded and be offered a position as a security consultant to ALL of the companies he ripped off. Zepeda's error is that he only stole $6K, hardly a lunch bill for a senior executive and easily absorbed by any company, much cheaper to pay back the customers and maintain the status quo rather than introduce any real security measures.

I's love the mods to leave this thread open so we can all report how different companies have changed their procedures to combat this form of fraud, but we all know companies will do nothing to combat this sort of crime.

I hope somebody repeats this scam, I really do, except that they send the card to a executive who uses the gift card and the executive gets arrested. That would help focus their minds.

Malware gang steal over £700K from one British bank

Field Marshal Von Krakenfart
Boffin

£800 in your account is "substantial"

Since most banks adopt a daily limit on the amount of cash that can be withdrawn from an ATM in one day, usually 700, they want accounts where they can withdraw the maximum amount. No point in letting somebody know their account details have been compromised for just 20 quid, is there?

Air steward resigns via emergency chute

Field Marshal Von Krakenfart

Ruinair

Any truth in the rumor that Michael O'Dreary wants to employ him in customer relations?

Microsoft cries foul on Yahoo!-Google Japan deal

Field Marshal Von Krakenfart
Gates Horns

well Dah!!!

Of course MickySoft are objecting to a Yahoo!-Google monopoly, MickeySoft thinks it has the monopoly on monopolies.

UK supermarket starts contactless payments

Field Marshal Von Krakenfart
FAIL

Chip & PIN _is_ secure

It's all the other stuff, ATMs, swipe readers, POS machines etc. that aren't......

http://www.theregister.co.uk/2010/02/12/chip_pin_security_unpicked/

http://www.theregister.co.uk/2009/06/03/atm_trojans/

http://www.theregister.co.uk/2008/10/10/organized_crime_doctors_chip_and_pin_machines/

Field Marshal Von Krakenfart
FAIL

Ha!

Its worse than that....

"Hi, this is my wifes card, is it OK if I use it"

"Yeah; sure; as long as you have the PIN"

And that was in places I'd never shopped in before!!!!!!! Security my arse...

Boffins authenticate Apple 'Antennagate'

Field Marshal Von Krakenfart
Jobs Horns

physics # ↑

No need to change the laws of physics, just create iPhysics (and patent it)

IBM employee sparks massive bank outage

Field Marshal Von Krakenfart

the IBM field circus

Well, this what happens when you give an important support contract to a company who's CEO only aim is to boost his own earning by increasing the company share price, when sales are falling, by buying your own stock and sacking trained and experienced personnel.

I too have seen the IBM field circus fuck up and bend a pin on a chip after 'servicing' the mainframe and as a result the machine could not do simple maths.

Another place I worked in used to get a significant portion of their hard ware from Amdahl, just to remind big blue that there were alternatives....

Microsoft drops Win7 deadline for XP and Vista holdouts

Field Marshal Von Krakenfart
Paris Hilton

most successful operating system ever - questions

"The message was that Windows 7 is Microsoft's most successful operating system ever"

In what context?

Does that mean the earlier version of windoze were not a success?

The least number of bugs on release?

The biggest number of re-used lines of code?

The biggest profit margin?

Paris, who also likes success, and I'm sure cess likes it as well

Pa

Apple patent seeks to reinvent retail

Field Marshal Von Krakenfart

Great Idea...

I think this is a fantastic idea and I really do hope that crApple get this patent. on a "System and method for providing content associated with a product or service", which they will probably be call the iSmpcapos service (pronounced I-swamp-crap-os) or spam as most normal people call it.

Look at the advantages of crApple getting this patent, their lawyers will spend all their time suing spammers and won't be able to take out any more stupid patents.

Simples

NSA setting up secret 'Perfect Citizen' spy system

Field Marshal Von Krakenfart
Black Helicopters

Wrong!!!!

It's not a public network, it is in fact a private network.

Well the ownership of it is in private hands, but then that is the American dream, it doesn’t matter how you make your money as long as you make lots of it. Hence the private network industry is contracted to support public/military functionally.

This keeps everybody happy:-

The grubermant are happy because they can claim they are protection the public finances by getting a service for the lowest cost bidder.

The civil servants are happy because the running of public services is now somebody elses problem leaving then free to concentrate on career advancement.

The military leaders are happy because when they retire they can get jobs in the thankful private sector.

The spy’s are happy because they have an excuse to spy on the citizens and boost their own budgets thereby proving their usefulness. After all, the biggest treat to their existence is not foreign terrorists/freedom fighters but senate oversight committee.

The terrorists/freedom fighters are happy because the military are using commercial equipment to communicate with their spy planes and the signal is easily intercepted

The unmarried mothers, whose boy friend lost his legs in Iraq and can’t work has to take a job as a cleaner that require her to take a job as a cleaner in a location that is 2 hours away on a bus or else she will loose her welfare entitlements is not too happy, but the people she is working for are as the yare getting a cheap house cleaner, and they are also paid up members of the republican/democrat parties.

Meanwhile in other news, L.A. and New York are tuned into prison camps for people with unpatriotic thoughts. I can’t wait for Snake Plissken to EMP the whole place.

Wikileaks US Army mole Manning charged

Field Marshal Von Krakenfart
Black Helicopters

War Crimes

You forget...

History is written by the victors....

China hits back at EC dumping probe

Field Marshal Von Krakenfart

absurdly cheap prices for modems

Where, where, where...... Oh hang on I get it now, not retail prices.

US authorities shutdown websites accused of movie piracy

Field Marshal Von Krakenfart
Terminator

Interesting statistics.

The court PDF contains interesting statistics.

“The American motion picture and television industries employ approximately 2.4 million people, to whom the industries pay over $140 billion in wages yearly. “

That’s an average salary of 58,333, given the high salaries that some of the high rollers earn, the average salary in the motion picture and television industries must be fairly shit. This explains the quality of some of the ‘merkin TV and films I’ve had the misfortune to see recently.

“The U.S. economy loses an estimated $25.6 billion per year, and an estimated 375,000 jobs per year, to criminal copyright infringement.”

That’s 6,667 per job!!! FFS that not a job that slavery!!!!

Maybe these people can't afford to buy their own product. I’m beginning to see a pattern.

Airline passenger videos Atlanta maggot horror

Field Marshal Von Krakenfart

Icon usage

Why did you use the joke alert icon??????

Russian spy ring bust uncovers tech toolkit

Field Marshal Von Krakenfart
Big Brother

Put the witch on the ducking stool

I was listening to this on the car radio (broadcast by a commercial radio station, nothing sinister) going home yesterday and they had this snippet from Chapman’s arraignment.

She had been give a fake passport by an FBI undercover agent, and told to deliver the passport to somebody; instead she went to the police and handed over the passport to the police.

This, the prosecution claimed, was proof she was a spy, as she only handed over the passport to the police to try and prove she was not a spy. Presumably if she had delivered the passport to where she was supposed to deliver it would have also proved she was a spy.

BB would be proud of logic like that

Of course the other shocking news to come out of this story is that someone exaggerated their work experience on their CV (resume to 'merkins).

Romford coppers try to stopper young snapper

Field Marshal Von Krakenfart
Big Brother

Draining resources that could be better spent.

Yeah, there called cops, and they should be out preventing real crime instead of wasting public money on these stupid exercises.

Still, it’s a lot easier to apply the jackboot to a 16 year old kid for taking photographs instead for chasing bag snatchers & shop lifters; after all they are real criminals and might fight back. The kid wasn’t wearing a loud shirt in built up area, was he?

Bono doubles down on Facebook

Field Marshal Von Krakenfart
Thumb Down

Bollocks!!

It’s a matter of context, Bono complains about the Irish government not giving enough money to the third world and fist chance they get U2 move their copyright holding operation to Holland because they can pay less tax on it.

The only good thing about Bono hurting his back is that it will be a while before he can climb up his own arse again….. Well maybe not.

More iPhone 4 angst: fanbois howl over head sensor

Field Marshal Von Krakenfart
Paris Hilton

Head Sensor

What, 71 posts about a "head Sensor" and not a single mention of our favourite head sensor, Mizz Paris.

May I be the first etc.

UK arms industry 'same as striking coal miners' - Army head

Field Marshal Von Krakenfart

Churchill Vs Mad Maggie

Not a valid comparison, Churchill, to a certain extent inherited the war, Maggie had a chance to talk her way out of the war, UN sanctions, etc. but chose to go to war to bolster popular support for her government in order to help win the 1983 general election, just as the Argentinean junta invaded the Falklands to bolster their own popularity having destroyed their own economy. Funny how the UK didn’t start fighting then Argentina invaded Corbeta Uruguay in 1976.

And there’s the question of whether the Argentineans were invading or simply re-occupying the islands.

Re “These bastards got what they deserved” and others, if that is truly a criteria for war can you tell me when/if Burma, Indonesia, North Korea, Iran are going to get “what they deserve”? How about Turkey? I don’t remember the UK or the USA rushing off to invade Turkey and trying to liberate Crete when Turkey invaded.

Whatever about the pros and cons of the sinking of the Belgrano, the battle of Leyte Gulf and other in 1942 and 1943 showed what the likely result of any battleship versus aircraft engagement was going to be. One of the propaganda stories about the Falklands was the Argentineans were using old WWII bonds that failed to detonate, in reality that they were dropping modern Mk81 & Mk82 low drag bombs that didn’t have enough time to fuse fully or else they passed straight through the soft aluminum parts of the destroyers. If all the bombs that struck British destroyers had detonated then the outcome may have been different.

It’s also interesting to note the effort required to bomb Stanley airport with the “we don’t need a conventional bomber” Vulcan, were these Vulcan not on the edge of retirement at that point, I think some of them were mothballed and had to be stripped for parts to fly the Vulcan missions. That I think says more about procurement policy and perceived enemies than anything else.

Field Marshal Von Krakenfart
FAIL

Lowest Bidder

Not only does Canada have a military, but, like Britain, it also once had a innovative aircraft industry that produced ground breaking designs like the Avro Canada CF-105 Arrow, however nowadays the Canadian air force files McDonnell-Douglas F-18s.

Britain‘s aerospace industry also produced the innovative (for its time) Saunders-Roe SR.177; however the project failed when Germany instead “decided” to buy Lockheed F-104s, helped by some ‘sales incentives’ from Lockheed.

Other examples come to mind, such as the advanced high performing TSR-2 that was controversially cancelled in favour of the General Dynamics F-111

I’m beginning to see a pattern….

More alarmingly, do you want military electronics supplied by the cheapest bidder who may be the enemy in the future? Did nobody watch Battlestar Galactica?

Gunner: Commander we’re been laser designated, bearing 062…

Tank Commander: Roger, enemy tank, bearing 062, moving left to right, ENGAGE!!!

Gunner: Sorry Sir, everything’s stopped worki..... hisssssss <transmission ends>

Horse-headed human trots through Street View

Field Marshal Von Krakenfart
Coat

Somebody has to say it

Sorry I've never heard of Eric Whiskey, I've even googled for it and I can't find it.

Gee Sarah, did you have to read this as well...

Dyson Air Multiplier desktop cooler

Field Marshal Von Krakenfart
Paris Hilton

WTF!!!!!!

This in inovation???????? Prior art, the Air Multiplier™ is just a simple venturi air mover, I was using these 30 years ago to ventilate confined spaces of hazardous fumes.

Paris, who also knows how to blow things.

Google to relieve AdSense webpage drag

Field Marshal Von Krakenfart
Flame

@Ragarath

My Computer, my bandwidth, and my money that pays for both. If anybody else wants to use either they can either pay me to use them otherwise they can just fuck off.