Re: Why are so many celebrities depressed and/or suicidal??
"The whole point is, dear chum, that it's irrational. That's the point. That's why it's a mental illness, and not just a dour attitude ;-)"
Perfectly said. The saddest, bitterest thing about depression is how much it makes us lie to ourselves. I remember having nightmares (and staying in an abusive marriage) for those very reasons you've said, I'll end up alone in a bedsit, trying to cling onto some sense of value by the "successful image" projected around me and each moment getting more bitter and twisted inside that everything screamed "what a fake you are" and "if only they knew how you really were". Success was the antithesis of happiness, it's what I beat myself with to tell myself how shit I really was.
You know what? The bedsit isn't so bad, the being alone not so terrible. Dark days yes but there is a certain "screw you" you can develop to that black dog when it lies to you and whispers in your ears at night, I've beaten you down before and I can do it again, and when I do it's not all so terrible and all the little good moments can be enjoyed.
The funny thing is, I remember those dark nights and the thoughts going round in circles (and those who say drugs don't fix things, they don't, but they can sure as hell help stop that eternal cycling round and around in a spiral til your head wants to explode so you can try to appreciate things again rather than being exhausted constantly with the fight) and the one thing I remember most would be waking up in the morning and not being able to relate to them or explain them or verbalize them or really be able to comprehend how bad it had felt. It felt like another person, til the next evening or night. In the end I took to writing a blog whilst I had those feelings, incoherent screams as they were and took that to the doctor and let them read it as I was too good at hiding how it felt even from myself, from intellectualizing and making it an interesting topic of conversation but not about me.
I hope you find your place to enjoy those little inconsequential moments soon and the dark nights don't swallow them up for much longer. It's those stupid little things that make you smile in the day that make life.