a browser that crashes all the time, eats all my memory, and just generally plain sucks (Firefox)
Have you tried disabling all your extensions and plugins in Firefox and noting how crashy it is then? Badly written extensions are often the culprits. If it's stable then add the extensions back in one at a time to see which is/are causing issues. I've seen installations that have 50+ extensions installed. To be frank, that's just asking for problems.
Firefox never crashes here on any platform.