* Posts by Alistair Dabbs

769 posts • joined 19 May 2009

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Rampant robot tries to rip my clothes off

Alistair Dabbs
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Re: Bah!

Sorry about the boring video. It was the music I wanted readers to enjoy but people will insist on having something to look at.

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How IT are you? Find out now in our HILARIOUS quiz!

Alistair Dabbs
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Re: I worked with your old man at Leeds

Thanks, David. I'm afraid my father is in a care home with advanced dementia. Not the man he was.

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Alistair Dabbs
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Re: Help ma' Boab

Do I detect a PWEI reference?

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Alistair Dabbs
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Re: A 2000 AD (OK, Starlord too) reference

I got to shake hands with the great Pat Mills last week. Top bloke.

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I am sending pouting selfies to a robot. Its AI is well buff

Alistair Dabbs
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Re: You clean up nice!!

It's an old photo. I'm much flabbier now - more like Roger Moore. With a bit of Roger Rabbit.

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Field technicians want to grab my tool and probe my things

Alistair Dabbs
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Re: An innocent explanation

I hope you realise I make all of this up. I don't even work in computing. I live in the countryside and grow parsnips for a living. My real name is Doris.

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Alistair Dabbs
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Re: An innocent explanation

I don't have any IoT devices. I was imagining a future in which I might have some, possibly whether I want them or not.

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Which keys should I press to enable the CockUp feature?

Alistair Dabbs
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Re: ¿Puzzled?

The failed Google stunt today also highlights the problem I raised the other week about positioning dangerous buttons too close to everyday buttons in the UI. If you're going to add a "Make me look like a flighty, sackable twerp" button to your email system for a laugh, it's probably best not placed adjacent to the Send button.

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Alistair Dabbs
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Re: ¿Puzzled?

Here we go again. 15 minutes. Why is it that the "I've wasted X minutes of my life" crowd are such slow readers?

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Let’s re-invent small phones! Small screens! And rubber buttons!

Alistair Dabbs
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Re: On remote controls...

What does the Guide button do? Arrange for a Girl Scout to come round and sell you cookies?

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Alistair Dabbs
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Re: Small != Small

(Sighs at having to explain everything) Yes, of course it's intended as an insult. Good spot. I wonder if anyone else noticed it. Honest enough for you now?

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Electronic Superhighway 2016-1966 – a retro: Texts, ar*se and ASCII rolls

Alistair Dabbs
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But is it art?

I hear similar things about Pizza Hut: "It's not authentic pizza, etc". I don't really care whether it's authentic or proper or otherwise approved by a committee of categorisation. A spinning LED ring that reads "LOADING..." on a continuous loop for hours might not seem like art but it is funny and means something.

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Web ads are reading my keystrokes and I can’t even spel propperlie

Alistair Dabbs
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Re: Private Eye

>> Half Man Half Biscuit

At the funeral, they could play God Gave Us Life.

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Alistair Dabbs
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Re: Very good, Mr D

>> Marcus Brigstocke

He was good as King Arthur when they brought Spamalot to Bromley.

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You say I mustn’t write down my password? Let me make a note of that

Alistair Dabbs
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Re: XKCD

Not really. The first time I read the word "cockwomble" was when it was used to describe Kanye West.

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Everything bad in the world can be traced to crap Wi-Fi

Alistair Dabbs
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Re: Wi-fi kills Google Maps on Android

Remind me to tell you about my experience with the satnav in Audi's car of the year...

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Alistair Dabbs
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>> Relying on wifi and cloud to do presentation things in a live environment?

Well no, this is my point. Even if all the documents are right there on your hard drive, the software required to open them - say Adobe PDF Reader or MS Office - tries to go online anyway.

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Alistair Dabbs
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Re: Icon says it all

WiFi's pretty good. It's just implemented inadequately everywhere except in one's own home.

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My devil-possessed smartphone tried to emasculate me

Alistair Dabbs
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Re: As for the RAZR..

The Motorola software was bad, certainly, but it was poor on all mobiles at the time with the exception of the mighty Nokia. My Razr enjoyed a second life when passed to my daughter but she had to (reluctantly) give it up when she needed a tri-band device for a Japan trip. It would still be in use today if the catch on the battery compartment hadn't snapped off.

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The paperless office? Don’t talk sheet

Alistair Dabbs
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Re: This column has only one purpose:

This is the first time I've heard Jaz's hair being referred to as a "dead animal".

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Alistair Dabbs
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Re: Airlines can stick paperless tickets up their respective

Ryanair has a smartphone app for check-in, boarding passes, etc. The problem isn't specifically Ryanair, it's whether the risky-dink airports it flies to have enough money to buy a barcode reader.

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Alistair Dabbs
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Re: so long as you look like you belong

So you are suggesting that, on arrival at security, I remove my jacket and take out my lunchbox? I will try this next week at the House of Commons.

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Alistair Dabbs
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Digital signatures

Reading these comments, I was reminded of an occasion when Adobe asked me to sign a legal agreement which they emailed to me. I duly added my digital signature using Acrobat and emailed it back.

Without a beat, I received a reply from Adobe to say they were unable to accept digitally signed PDFs and would I please print it out, sign it with a real pen and post the sheets of paper back to them.

Talk about a lack of faith in your own product... except I think it had more to do with the US legal system still lingering in the 18th century (guns! guns! guns!) than Adobe itself not trusting users to work with digital sigs.

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Send tortuous stand-up ‘nine-thirty’ meetings back to the dark ages

Alistair Dabbs
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I can forgive Martin Rushent for "Dare" because of the wonderful pair of albums he produced for Pete Shelley at around the same time.

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Alistair Dabbs
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Re: You should have a meeting to discuss the number of meetings.

I wondered this about project management software developers. They must have project management software to manage their project management software. And if GitHub doesn't wirk, do you report it on GitHub? Do Jira testers record issues about Jira in Jira?

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Who would code a self-destruct feature into their own web browser? Oh, hello, Apple

Alistair Dabbs
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Re: French slang?

"Zizzi" is what children say. "Bite" is the vulgar version once a French child has been upgraded to adult.

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Alistair Dabbs
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Re: come on now Mr Dabbs

You use Apple Mail? What, are you insane???

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'Printer Ready'. Er… you actually want to print? What, right now?

Alistair Dabbs
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Re: I actually manage a printer hotline.

Don't stop there! Tell us more.

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Alistair Dabbs
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Re: adobe reader

Speaking from personal experience, the genuinely nice people who work at Adobe simply won't be told. Any attempt to point out the ridiculousness of its application UIs is regarded as negative feedback and summarily dismissed. Any attempt to draw attention to the many, regular and frankly immense failings of its cloud-based systems is treated by them as the product of irrational hostility and, again, dismissed.

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AI no longer needs to fake it. Just don't try talking to your robots

Alistair Dabbs
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Re: WTF?!

Even less intelligence is required to design a commentard trolling program!

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Five technologies you shouldn't bother looking out for in 2016

Alistair Dabbs
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Re: 4G

Readers may be pleased to learn that yesterday I upgraded my SIM to support 4G. I thoroughly enjoyed my 4G experience, all 2 minutes of it, before it fell back to 3G. I have not seen "4G" next to the signal bars ever since.

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Alistair Dabbs
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Re: From Hamlet

The passage you quote demonstrates how Hamlet is losing his paranoid marbles at this point. "Methinks" is a different way of writing "I think" while under the wholly false impression that it makes one sound clever. Clearly youthinks otherwise. What do theythinks?

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Alistair Dabbs
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Re: FaceWatch

Upvoted for the Mean Machine reference.

"Gonna go up to 3 on ya. Oh, it's dropped down to 2G... Edge... GPRS... tin cans with string... stories swapped over a campfire... etc"

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Alistair Dabbs
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Re: Lazy journalism methinks

I am lazy and I am a journalist, so you are right on both counts. However, you used the word "methinks", which immediately devalues anything you might say. Avoid this word in future.

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Alistair Dabbs
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Re: Five technologies you shouldn't bother looking out for in 2016

I was going to write about 10 technologies but I got bored after writing the first five.

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Smartphone hard, dudes, like it’s the end of the world!

Alistair Dabbs
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Re: Best article ever.

An increase in readership will improve my chances of survival here on The Reg, so a bit of social media sharing by readers will help...

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Alistair Dabbs
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Re: impressive memory!

Beg your pardon, I didn't realise anyone still put phone numbers on their SIM, other than my Mum.

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If it still works six months from now, count yourself lucky

Alistair Dabbs
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Re: Apple accredited journalist

That would be nice if it was true. The reason I say what I like about my computer kit is that I pay for it.

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Alistair Dabbs
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Update on that Microsoft Surface Pro

Last night, my incorrectly assembled colleague messaged an update:

"So...Microsoft took my new surface in for repairs, found the problem unfixable and sent me a second hand scratched and creaky "refurbished" replacement."

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Alistair Dabbs
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Re: bit ranty

Ah, I see you're new here. It works like this: I have nothing original or interesting to say. If you're looking for a point to SFTWS, you've missed the point.

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Alistair Dabbs
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Re: Shame on you Mr Dabbs

Naturally, I took these PCs to my local Recycling Centre after removing the components I could re-use. I am under no illusion that someone with a screwdriver then picked apart the rest and carefully melted it all down for re-use. It will have ended up in landfill somewhere, possibly in the ocean, possibly in Italy or China. If it makes you feel happier to believe that they didn't end up as landfill, please go ahead.

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JD Wetherspoon: A 'hacker' nicks 650,000 pub-goers' data

Alistair Dabbs
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Happy hour

The hacker only wanted 325,000 records but there was a two-for-one offer.

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So why exactly are IT investors so utterly clueless?

Alistair Dabbs
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Re: Bottoms

snigger

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Alistair Dabbs
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Re: chav relatives and visitors

No surprise there. While my wife spent the day in hospital after giving birth to our daughter the night before, the boyfriend of another woman in the same maternity ward came to visit, sat down and promptly lit up a cigarette. He was genuinely shocked when told that smoking wasn't permitted in a hospital ward at all, let alone two feet from his own newborn baby.

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IT pros are a bunch of wedding and funeral-dodging sickos

Alistair Dabbs
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Mystical creatures

I had a colleague who was small and skinny, who wouldn't bother to speak to the users but simply turn up and immediately crawl around under their desks to sort out cabling, etc. Users would refer to him as "the computer goblin".

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Love your IoT gadget but could you keep the noise down?

Alistair Dabbs
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Re: Aggh!

Remember you'll need to change the order of the tracks on the CD version to match the original (and best) running order of the vinyl album.

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Alistair Dabbs
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Re: Xmas gift

You thought of your boss when I wrote "Anal Sex"?

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Alistair Dabbs
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Re: TGIF

Runaway's just a rip-off of 2000AD's Sam Slade, with all the jokes stripped out and a moustache pasted on.

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Let's get to the bottom of in-app purchases that go titsup

Alistair Dabbs
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Re: Formica

>> Ra Ra Rasputin

Can I be the first to comment that it was shame how he carried on? Thank you.

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Alistair Dabbs
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Re: Curiously, I am unable to play Dabbsy's supplied videos...

All three are share links to YouTube. Online movie streaming really is crap, isn't it?

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