* Posts by Alistair Dabbs

800 posts • joined 19 May 2009

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My headset is reading my mind and talking behind my back

Alistair Dabbs
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Re: Actually, Dabbsey hasn't lost a bit of weight

Would you rather I reported my progressive fat loss in terms of specific density?

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Alistair Dabbs
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Re: Not "fat-burning" per se

It's not my description, it's theirs. Go to their website and see for yourself.

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The curious case of a wearables cynic and his enduring fat bastardry

Alistair Dabbs
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Re: On the air?

It claims to tally how many steps you climb through the day. I don't think it's necessary to leave the ground without the assistance of stairs.

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Alistair Dabbs
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Re: Well, Alistair,

I'd buy my tech gear at Primark if they sold it.

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Alistair Dabbs
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Re: Fat chance

There are loads of 28in waist trousers and skinny fittings at Top Man. Jeans, chinos, whatever.

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Alistair Dabbs
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Re: To acquire fitness, you have to pickup heavy shit

My regime is not limited to putting on a Fitbit and smiling inwardly. I didn't want to bore you all further with my fitness regime, this not being a Daily Mail "I used to be a fat c*nt" article.

I go to my local gym for cardio and do a lot more walking generally. The boss at my gym, an ex-army beefcake with shoulder muscles the size of footballs, is now nagging me to increase my weight-training so that I don't end up scrawny.

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Render crashing PCs back to their component silicon: They deserve it

Alistair Dabbs
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Re: Windows getting its own back on you?

Her naughty computer is a Mac. Linux is out of the question due to compatibility issues with the Word and Excel files she is sent. Don't tell me there are Word-compatible applications on Linux - I've head it all before, they are not fully compatible. They send the formatting crazy, reflow the text, tear tables apart and balk at docx files.

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The return of (drone) robot wars: Beware of low-flying freezers

Alistair Dabbs
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Re: Deliver by underground conveyor

I take it you are not aware that London's three big Royal Mail sorting offices were connected by a private underground railway. Royal Mail stopped using it when they decided to make its delivery service shit, and I hear that the new owners when the business got sold off (on the cheap) did not even realise they had bought a secret underground railway along with the buildings.

There was talk a couple of years ago about opening it up as a tourist attraction but I haven't heard anything since.

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She wants it. She needs it. Shall I give it to her or keep doing it by myself?

Alistair Dabbs
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Re: Reading this leaves me with one simple question...

I didn't know which files she wanted to restore. Neither did she, as the story recounts. Or wasn't that bit obvious enough?

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Alistair Dabbs
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Re: Sham about the image

It's not a sham, it's a real image. I picked it because its underlying references to a publishing office, a man and a woman talking to each other, being in the past, and of course because it's Friday. It's not supposed to be an illustration of the actual events related in my story, which BTW isn't a true one anyway.

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Gaming apps, mugging and bad case of bruised Pokéballs

Alistair Dabbs
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Re: Journalism?

It's not journalism, it's a weekly column in which I talk bollocks in order to provoke readers into commenting. It seems to be working.

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Alistair Dabbs
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Re: What's wrong with cartoons?

Indeed. I wrote the sleeve notes for 40 "classic" anime titles republished by Manga Entertainment. It meant I had to watch Urotsukidoji a few more times...

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You can’t sit there, my IoT desk tells me

Alistair Dabbs
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Re: Ouch

Id like to keep the keyboard close but then I'd have to stretch out for the mouse, which causes more trouble with the old carpel tunnels.

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Alistair Dabbs
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Re: @AN I know that feeling well...

>> Imagine if your work buddies hacked your desk? Not cool!

This really isn't a laughing matter, you know.

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Alistair Dabbs
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Re: Daruma

Well spotted. My wish was too ambitious, I fear, and he will remain squinting forever. Or should I apply some Tippex and start again, do you think?

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A trip to the Twilight Zone with a support guy called Iron Maiden

Alistair Dabbs
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Re: "Electing the European Commission may not be a plebiscite"

>> fu*k off Mr Dabbs

He's an angry elf.

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Alistair Dabbs
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Re: Not sure it's your brain Dabsy

I am a little dyslexic but thankfully I know how to spell "lose".

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I want to learn about gamification but all I see is same-ification

Alistair Dabbs
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>> lack of women in programming

I wasn't aware that I made any statement implying bias or suggesting positive discrimination as a solution. You imagined it in your angry head.

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Should we teach our kids how to program humanity out of existence?

Alistair Dabbs
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Barista spelling

I'm not talking about writing "Claire" instead of "Clare". I would simply like to state "Alistair" and not have the barista write "Alice".

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Lester Haines: RIP

Alistair Dabbs
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Upsetting

I hardly know what to say. He felt like part of the family.

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In-flight movies via BYOD? Just what I always wan... argh no we’re all going to die!

Alistair Dabbs
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Re: "never fails to amaze and appall"

This word can be spelt with one L or two. Choosing the spelling that does not happen to be your favourite doesn't mean it's wrong.

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Being an IT trainer is like performing the bullet-catching trick

Alistair Dabbs
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Re: AND a better picture...

I'm disappointed no-one recognised the photo. It's Chung Ling Soo, the world-famous conjuror, who died on a London stage in 1918 while performing the notorious bullet-catching trick. He was an enigma: it turned out he wasn't Chinese at all but an American who maintained his pseudo Chinese disguise on and off-stage for years. The Christian Bale & Hugh Jackman movie "The Prestige" includes a sequence based on him.

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Alistair Dabbs
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Re: Footwear

It was a spoof pisstake on Disturbed.

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Alistair Dabbs
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Re: Footwear

You might like this.

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Ooh missus, get a grip on my notifications

Alistair Dabbs
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Re: "My problem is with predictive text, "

You are a good judge of character because the Renault Scenic is the car I drive. Luckily for me, it is 17 years old, starts with a key and it's only inhibitor is the weediness of the engine itself.

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Alistair Dabbs
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Re: Bah!

Mine starts with a strip: I peel it off and find it's already sticky. Then it's just a matter of ensuring the head is applied the right way up.

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Alistair Dabbs
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Re: Ali, eh?

I could always run for London mayor.

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You can always rely on the Ancient Ones to cock things up

Alistair Dabbs
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Re: Wait, what!?

It was an easy password to remember since there was no minimum character number requirement on that system. It had three letters.

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Alistair Dabbs
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Re: Blood Sacrifice

I have a cousin who, when he was a designer at The Times, would come home each day with an ink smear across his forehead. He couldn't explain where it came from as he generally didn't visit the presses.

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Alistair Dabbs
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Re: Reference to Thoth coupled with a previous reference to Aleister Crowley

Not the sort of thing I'd admt to or deny.

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Alistair Dabbs
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Re: Music

And Penny Dreadful. Come to think of it, I've been watching the 1970s comedy series Porridge and there's no theme tune.

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Rampant robot tries to rip my clothes off

Alistair Dabbs
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Re: Bah!

Sorry about the boring video. It was the music I wanted readers to enjoy but people will insist on having something to look at.

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How IT are you? Find out now in our HILARIOUS quiz!

Alistair Dabbs
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Re: I worked with your old man at Leeds

Thanks, David. I'm afraid my father is in a care home with advanced dementia. Not the man he was.

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Alistair Dabbs
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Re: Help ma' Boab

Do I detect a PWEI reference?

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Alistair Dabbs
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Re: A 2000 AD (OK, Starlord too) reference

I got to shake hands with the great Pat Mills last week. Top bloke.

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I am sending pouting selfies to a robot. Its AI is well buff

Alistair Dabbs
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Re: You clean up nice!!

It's an old photo. I'm much flabbier now - more like Roger Moore. With a bit of Roger Rabbit.

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Field technicians want to grab my tool and probe my things

Alistair Dabbs
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Re: An innocent explanation

I hope you realise I make all of this up. I don't even work in computing. I live in the countryside and grow parsnips for a living. My real name is Doris.

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Alistair Dabbs
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Re: An innocent explanation

I don't have any IoT devices. I was imagining a future in which I might have some, possibly whether I want them or not.

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Which keys should I press to enable the CockUp feature?

Alistair Dabbs
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Re: ¿Puzzled?

The failed Google stunt today also highlights the problem I raised the other week about positioning dangerous buttons too close to everyday buttons in the UI. If you're going to add a "Make me look like a flighty, sackable twerp" button to your email system for a laugh, it's probably best not placed adjacent to the Send button.

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Alistair Dabbs
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Re: ¿Puzzled?

Here we go again. 15 minutes. Why is it that the "I've wasted X minutes of my life" crowd are such slow readers?

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Let’s re-invent small phones! Small screens! And rubber buttons!

Alistair Dabbs
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Re: On remote controls...

What does the Guide button do? Arrange for a Girl Scout to come round and sell you cookies?

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Alistair Dabbs
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Re: Small != Small

(Sighs at having to explain everything) Yes, of course it's intended as an insult. Good spot. I wonder if anyone else noticed it. Honest enough for you now?

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Electronic Superhighway 2016-1966 – a retro: Texts, ar*se and ASCII rolls

Alistair Dabbs
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But is it art?

I hear similar things about Pizza Hut: "It's not authentic pizza, etc". I don't really care whether it's authentic or proper or otherwise approved by a committee of categorisation. A spinning LED ring that reads "LOADING..." on a continuous loop for hours might not seem like art but it is funny and means something.

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Web ads are reading my keystrokes and I can’t even spel propperlie

Alistair Dabbs
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Re: Private Eye

>> Half Man Half Biscuit

At the funeral, they could play God Gave Us Life.

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Alistair Dabbs
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Re: Very good, Mr D

>> Marcus Brigstocke

He was good as King Arthur when they brought Spamalot to Bromley.

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You say I mustn’t write down my password? Let me make a note of that

Alistair Dabbs
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Re: XKCD

Not really. The first time I read the word "cockwomble" was when it was used to describe Kanye West.

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Everything bad in the world can be traced to crap Wi-Fi

Alistair Dabbs
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Re: Wi-fi kills Google Maps on Android

Remind me to tell you about my experience with the satnav in Audi's car of the year...

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Alistair Dabbs
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>> Relying on wifi and cloud to do presentation things in a live environment?

Well no, this is my point. Even if all the documents are right there on your hard drive, the software required to open them - say Adobe PDF Reader or MS Office - tries to go online anyway.

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Alistair Dabbs
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Re: Icon says it all

WiFi's pretty good. It's just implemented inadequately everywhere except in one's own home.

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My devil-possessed smartphone tried to emasculate me

Alistair Dabbs
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Re: As for the RAZR..

The Motorola software was bad, certainly, but it was poor on all mobiles at the time with the exception of the mighty Nokia. My Razr enjoyed a second life when passed to my daughter but she had to (reluctantly) give it up when she needed a tri-band device for a Japan trip. It would still be in use today if the catch on the battery compartment hadn't snapped off.

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