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* Posts by Alistair Dabbs

439 posts • joined 19 May 2009

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Oh God the RUBBER on my SHAFT has gone wrong and is STICKING to things

Alistair Dabbs
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>>P.S. Tim Cook is a cold hearted bastard for foisting that crap on us

>>So is U2...

And they're both Ireland-based tax dodgers, so it's trebles all round.

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Alistair Dabbs
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Project managers

My experience of project managers has been generally good, so perhaps I'm lucky.

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Alistair Dabbs
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>> double entendres about my shaft

I have been known to use the tip of my shaft to pick food out of my teeth.

Coincidentally, I have chronic neck pain.

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The Apple Watch and CROTCH RUBBING. How are they related?

Alistair Dabbs
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Re: Traci?

I only gave her as an example because that's the only pornstar I could name from the 1980s, and THAT'S only because I found out when she had a small part in 'Cry Baby'.

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Alistair Dabbs
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Re: Phone Cameras...

And to be fair, I hadn't shaved for a couple of days, I hadn't brushed what's left of my hair, let alone gelled it, and the photos were taken in my kitchen at 4.30am. You may have noticed that I'm still wearing pyjamas.

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Alistair Dabbs
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Re: Watch the whole two hour Apple event

>> how very mildly amusing

I absolutely MUST print that endorsement on the back of my book.

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Alistair Dabbs
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Re: Phone Cameras...

Ah now there is a journalistic tradition for outdated byline photos to which I am simply adhering out of professional conformity.

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Alistair Dabbs
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Re: Half Man Half Biscuit

In an alternative world, Apple could have done this by mistake, inviting U2 to perform but accidentally releasing HMHB's 'Achtung Bono' album to the world.

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Alistair Dabbs
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Re: At least on the bright side

First world problems, quite: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bwvlbJ0h35A

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Alistair Dabbs
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Re: This article was published because WHY?

It was published with the sole intention of annoying YOU, Derek. Just you, no-one else. Feel free to come back any time and read it again if you wish to be annoyed further.

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Alistair Dabbs
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Re: U2

No, The Joshua Tree wasn't an album. It was a multimedia marketing exercise in taking money off Americans, with its silly cowboy hats and radio-friendly pop-rock.

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IT jargon is absolutely REAMED with sexual double-entendres

Alistair Dabbs
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Re: Firmware

She giggles when you're writing firmware, or when you're writing "firmware". Only, the first doesn't seem very funny.

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Alistair Dabbs
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Re: SCSI port...

My worry is that she may have been saying "scuzzy", which gives the expression an entirely different emphasis.

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Alistair Dabbs
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Re: Weak

No, no, you haven't got the hang of this. You're supposed to say that X minutes of your life was wasted reading the column and that you want cash recompense. Join the queue, pal.

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Alistair Dabbs
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Re: Alistair Dabbs

>> the Will Self of the IT world

Except much shorter, poorer and less likely to get published in New Statesman or The Guardian. I know this because I tried.

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Alistair Dabbs
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Re: re: Blind spot is another metaphor

Love the pedantry and all that, but I am compelled to retort. I said that my use of the expression "blind spot" in its context was a metaphor AND that my retinas were OK. I never wrote that my retinas lacked actual, non-metaphoric blind spots.

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Alistair Dabbs
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Re: Pegging order?

>> illuminate them to the receiver's perspective

The receiver? Illuminate? Are we talking about a light-up telephone here?

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Alistair Dabbs
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Re: Pegging order?

Pecking, exactly. Is 'pecking' another sexual euphemism?

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Alistair Dabbs
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Re: Everything is an innuendo

And yet it was Watson who moved out of Baker Street and got married. I surmise that Holmes never outgrew the innocent follies of youth.

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Weekend reads: Colorless Tsukuru, Kool Korea and strange encounters with IKEA wardrobes

Alistair Dabbs
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Re: Murakami does chic-lit

My favourite is 'Hard Boiled Wonderland and the End of the World' but I agree that 'Wind Up Bird Chronicle' would be a good place to start because it's at least based in reality. I was told to start with one of the short-story collections 'After the Quake' but I found it rather dull, as are all the others, compared to his novels.

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Alistair Dabbs
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Murakami does chic-lit

Colorless Tsukuru Tazaki was a big disappointment. I prefer it when Murakami does surrealist adventure. This book was more like a Danielle Steel romance. While this is probably akin to his early works such as Sputnik Sweetheart, I will think twice before rushing to buy "the latest Murakami" again.

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If you think 3D printing is just firing blanks, just you wait

Alistair Dabbs
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personal computer in their home

Ah now this gets to the crux of the matter and one of the themes of this week's column.

Did any home in the 1970s and early 80s have any use for a personal computer? Hey, I'd have loved an Intel i7 ultrabook connected to the Internet by IEEE 802.11n in 1980 ... but you know what? All they had were BBC Micros and ZX Spectrums, which were of NO use to the average home, unless you include being able to play a version of Pong as "useful".

So my observation is that I'm sick of people telling me how orgasmic 3D printing is when it isn't... yet. Sure, I could let the market decide, which is another way of saying: "Don't tell anyone how crap the products are at the moment! Let them spend their money based on wild rumour and misleading PR and then find out for themselves!" It's an interesting approach but not one that I subscribe to.

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Alistair Dabbs
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Imagine if you could print the kits

If you could print the kits, why not just print the finished object? In fact, why not print the finished object inside a sealed box, stick it on top of a wardrobe and have done with it?

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Alistair Dabbs
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Re: "Fuck yeah!"

Never question irony.

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Alistair Dabbs
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Re: Something for the weekend?

>> The weekend is almost over sir

I am aware of this. We may change the name of this column to: "Something That No-one Will Read, Sir?"

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Best shot: Coffee - how do you brew?

Alistair Dabbs
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Aeropress = increase "length and girth"

That photo of Aeropress looks a bit familiar. Didn't they advertise in Razzle and Fiesta?

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I’ve never paid for it in my life... we are talking Wi-Fi, right?

Alistair Dabbs
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Re: Free WiFi is not a right

Yes, it must be difficult for a hotel charging £150 per night for a boxroom and no breakfast to scrape a profit if they gave away the WiFi for nothing, especially considering how much the hotel itself contributes to the upkeep of the Net.

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Alistair Dabbs
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Re: "stupid fucking idiot dipshit wanky cock-sucking Will.I.Am"

I am (slowly) compiling my first hundred SFTWS columns for publishing in book form, and I am in the process of inserting footnotes that reveal every instance in which my references to Will.I.Am were expunged.

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Alistair Dabbs
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Re: !not

Try saying it out loud.

- Alistair "Dr Seuss" Dabbs

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Roll up for El Reg's 3G/4G MONOPOLY DATA PUB CRAWL

Alistair Dabbs
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Do not pass Go

Which jail did you choose to test from?

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The Register to boldly go where no Vulture has gone before: The WEEKEND

Alistair Dabbs
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phwoar

Did we just call Tim Worstall "buff"?

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You'll find Yoda at the back of every IT conference

Alistair Dabbs
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Re: HA!

You're not the one who keeps getting her kit off, are you?

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Alistair Dabbs
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Re: Summoner's Tale

It may be "proper" but it is still "questionable". In terms of grammatical pedantry, "Ten Summoner's Tales" is correct. It is, however, questionable: despite being attractively concise in its three words, "Ten Summoner's Tales" is an awkward way of both (1) declaring that there is such a thing as a Summoner's Tale and (2) that there are ten of them.

It is also grammatically correct to walk into a cafe and order "one eggs and bacon" once you have established that "eggs and bacon" refers a named item on the menu rather than, oh I dunno, simply some eggs and bacon on a plate, but I would argue that the grammar, although explicable, is questionable.

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Alistair Dabbs
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Re: Ten Summoner’s Tales

The one thing that a pun is supposed to do is sound like another word. Sting's pun doesn't even have the same number of syllables.

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Alistair Dabbs
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Re: Looks like Google Translate wouldn't make a good heckler

Calling out "Boll. Oh-see-kay-ess." doesn't come close.

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Why do Reg readers deserve the big bucks? Here's why...

Alistair Dabbs
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Booze?

Hey Dom, I'll come along if there's booze.

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Nuts to your poncey hipster coffees, I want a TESLA ELECTRO-CAFE

Alistair Dabbs
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Re: more proof of the decline of the West

Soya? Bah! We should drink REAL coffee made without milk. Or sugar. Or coffee.

Sofa? Bah! We should sit on REAL chairs made of raw oak with upturned nails on the seat.

Matress? Bah! We should sleep in a REAL bed made of a paper bag in t' middle o' road.

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Alistair Dabbs
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Re: Espresso

Yawn. I used to work with someone who used to tell me that the pizzas I liked weren't "real pizzas". Who gives a flying fuck? I'll eat what I like. I'll drink what I like.

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Alistair Dabbs
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Re: If you want a proper coffee

Why grind it up and pressurise water through it? I prefer my coffee as raw beans. Unroasted. Before they've even grown. Etc...

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Alistair Dabbs
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Re: Black coffee

To be fair, one BOFH is worth four SFTWS.

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Alistair Dabbs
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Re: or you could go even more downmarket...

Ah, now that's because Birmingham rocks big time. Seriously.

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Alistair Dabbs
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Re: 2014

Mine's a scotch. If you're getting them in, that is.

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The Register is HIRING technology hacks for the WORLD

Alistair Dabbs
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Re: A tabloid journalist for El Reg with Fluency in English eh

A pedant writes...

'Tabloid' is not a paper size but the style of writing, even though people assume it's the other way around.

An annoying pedant adds...

'Tabloid' was a word invented to describe Alfred Harmsworth's original Daily Mail with its mix of stories, topics and pictures on each page. In serious papers, you'll have entire sections devoted to politics or international affairs. In a tabloid, you can have a political story, a weather forecast, a piece of PR shit about a celebrity and a bunch of news-in-brief stories about pets all on the same page.

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Nice computers don’t need to go to the toilet, says Barclays

Alistair Dabbs
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Re: Starbucks

I suppose I could always try the Bart Simpson approach: "My name is Hugh Janus" etc.

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Alistair Dabbs
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Re: Errrr?

Reg subs startle easily? Surely you jest. Hard as effing nails, they are.

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Alistair Dabbs
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Re: don't forget train ticket barriers....

I have an unfortunate tendency to kick the barriers if they're playing up. A man in a hi-viz jacket tried to admonish me on one such occasion, but when I began ranting about how I pay X-hundreds of pounds a month for my travel pass only to have the fucking thing slam in my face, he sort of hummed and nodded as he let me through.

On the London Underground, the barriers frequently open for you and then almost immediately close as you're about halfway through. One of these slammed with such unexpected force that it caught my hand carrying my Oyster card and snapped the card in two. They had to drag me away from kicking the shit out of the thing.

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Alistair Dabbs
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Re: Starbucks

Why not? It's my name. Although, I suppose in the case of Starbucks, it isn't.

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Alistair Dabbs
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Terminator quotes

So, how many Terminator quotes did you spot?

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Alistair Dabbs
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Re: Your name on the coffee 'cup'

If ever there was a photo I wish I had snapped on impulse, it was in a Costa when a Spanish barista came on-shift and signed in to the till, which then flashed up the message: "You are being served by Jesus."

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Alistair Dabbs
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>> did you make it to your user group meetup

Yes, thank you. Fortunately, nobody in the user group knows I write this column.

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