* Posts by Mongo

457 posts • joined 26 Apr 2009

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BuzzFeed: We don't pull 'articles' due to advertiser pressure VERY OFTEN

Mongo
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Ten bullshit excuses for editorial interventions you won't believe!

This one weird climbdown gave a Buzzfeed editor the world's biggest shit-eating grin!

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Apple will cut down 36,000 acres of forest in 'conservation scheme'

Mongo
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And if Tim Cook abandons capitalism to live naked in a cave

El Reg will castigate him for depriving bears of potential hibernating habitat...

Yes, there is NO activity without some deleterious side-effects. Including breathing. Even when done solely through the mouth.

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KABOOM! Billionaire fingers dud valve in ROCKET WIBBLE PRANG BLAST

Mongo
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Promising...but it still leaves the rocket 200 miles from where you really wanted it. So give the giant robot arm a whiffle bat (so as not to hurt the rocket) and clout it back to the launch pad (probably need a jumbo bouncy castle ready to land on: for the prototype could use lots of firemen holding a big sheet between them) The parts you need are probably all in the Acme catalog.

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Mongo
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Now put on your Michael Bay specs...

"Faster, godammit! What, call that a fireball!? And how long was that cut, what like 8, 9 seconds? Well get to the editing desk, we'll cut away to the chick three times, last time running in slowmo with the explosions. Yeah, there's a chick. Yeah, explosions plural, one per rocket. Oh you ARE kiddin' me now, just one rocket?

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So why exactly does almost ALL tech live in Silicon Valley?

Mongo
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>> I miss the cherries, plums, apricots, peaches,

Ah, the glory days of tech when every second computer had a fruity name (my school couldn't afford Apricots or Apple IIs, only the Franklin Ace knock-offs: sounding completely inedible they deservedly fell from grace)

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ICANN banked $60m from dot-word auctions. Just what exactly is it going to spend it all on?

Mongo
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Actually the first $10M has already been spent

Retaining FIFA board and Olympic Committee members to advise on best practice for fiscal transparency and tendering processes.

Presuming a successful knowledge transfer, the remaining funds will be found to actually have been a misreported accounting error, and in fact it will prove urgently necessary to hike .com fees.

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Scouts' downed Compass database won't be back 'til autumn

Mongo
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issues were around "potential access"...no one has hacked or broken into the system

I imagine this means that there's no evidence of intrusion: given issues about "potential access" then even if access is fully logged these records would have to be cross-checked somehow ("Scoutmaster Biggins, where were you on the night of the 17th? Logged in and downloading contact addresses?"). It's possible of course that the system is designed with multiple audit trails & so on, but if it was carefully designed and implemented they wouldn't be in the current pickle anyway.

Kudos though for reacting promptly and prudently, and discussing it frankly: many a professional organisation could do worse than go and get badges in a System Fuckup Postmortems and Avoiding the Streisand Effect

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Conservative manifesto: 5G, 'near universal' broadband and free mobes for PC Dixon

Mongo
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Re: tech centre of Europe

Actually they already have done this: self-agrandising wankery on a computer surely counts as "tech" to the policy wonk mind, and the lovely photo here of the lovely Dave quite near a laptop fully delivers the GDA dose of wankery.

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Bloke hits armadillo AND mother-in-law with single 9mm round

Mongo
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[sound effect: ricochet. Sound effect: body dropping to sand]

[LUKE's grin slowly fades as he lowers the pistol]

LUKE: uh...Uncle Owen? ... Aunt Beya??

[LUKE raises communicator to mouth]

LUKE: Uncle Ben! I do want to join the Rebellion! Right now!

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Seriously, stop claiming your two-buck photo app can detect cancer

Mongo
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Land o'Goshen! That seems to be a real photo!

Or at least Bridgeman are cheerfully selling it as a 1940s advert litho:

http://www.bridgemanimages.com/en-GB/asset/375525/american-school-20th-century/advertisement-for-snake-oil-1940s-litho

1940s seems rather too late: decades after boring regulations started insisting that active ingredients be present and even coincide somewhat with the label. So perhaps the full page would reveal it as a callback to the dark past, e.g. "No more 'Snake Oil' cures for mothers' little woes, thanks to Science and all-new cherry-zest Thalidomide!"?

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Woeful groans over Game of Thrones' spill on piracy sites

Mongo
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"Me? Couldn't care less - I'd rather..."

My favourite kind of topic! Can I just add that GoT is boring pablum for the masses, that I have NO IDEA AT ALL who Taylor Swift might be, that I wouldn't have a Facebook account if you paid me, that Charlie Chaplin was quite inferior to Husum d'Archiac, that...

...wait! WAIT! I haven't finished boring you yet!

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Twitter yanks firehose from DataSift, other resellers

Mongo
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"build solutions around Twitter data"

If Twitter was the solution, just what was the problem? And can I catch it from dirty toilet seats?

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Struggling through the Crystal Maze in our hunt for a spare CAT5

Mongo
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half-full-glass possibility: I used to work with Dabsy

half-empty-glass possibility: all corporate workplaces are equally fucked-up

It's the second one, ain't it? The doomed Doomed DOOMED one?

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Microsoft Lumia 640, 640XL: They're NOT the same, mmmkay?

Mongo
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So MS got perpeptual rights to Nokia's fucked-up numbering "schemes"?

I'd assumed they only had a three-year licence, as they did for the name "Nokia". They must have negotiated very hard to get the Finns to give up this piece of their corporate DNA, the ability to utterly bamboozle customers trying to guess whether a phone represents an upgrade, downgrade, or just the Infinite Improbability drive being switched on...

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Bad news everyone: Cybercrime is getting even easier

Mongo
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lunchtime!?

"...my pert & mouthwateringly succulent cul, tenderly shaved then drizzled with molasses dijon and accompanied by your choice of snowpeas or fava beans"

That put the nom-nom-nom back in your om?

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In the time it takes you to watch The Hangover, AT&T will pay a $25m fine for privacy scandal

Mongo
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revenue != profit

it's scabby "The Sun" journalism to conflate these ideas: I can't buy lunch with my gross pay cheque and AT&T has to pay the fine from their nett income (unless fines are deductible, etc)

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Do androids dream of herding electric sheep?

Mongo
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cart before horse

invent the robomouse first, then deploy the catdroids. of course it'll take a while before we get to the whole "The old female cyborg who swallowed a digi-fly"

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Astronomers battle plague of BLADE-WIELDING ROBOTS

Mongo
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Re: Methanol

It's a tough crowd - give them irony, they demand satire. Treat them to a bon mot, see it spurned for lacking badinage...

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Mongo
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Re: Methanol

EXACTLY! Never was there a clearer case of "give an inch and take a mile" - these unworldly boffins, emboldened as they are by draining the public funding teat of its vital essence, now want to deny us all the fundamental right to an immaculate lawn at the least possible effort! I put it to you, not even in Soviet Russia was this specific blatant denial of human rights attempted!

And why? So we can "better understand" the cosmos!? It's high time we stopped just looking at the laws of physics and started changing them.

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Frayed British Airways plays down mega hack attack on frequent flyer accounts

Mongo
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"verboten"

now then...now then! Don't you come on all strong on this 'ere UK website with those saucy, exotic, international-language-of-love swarthy-organ-grinder foreign-johnny johnny-donning phrases, or I'll have to dose myself with a cold shower & some liver salts

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Helium-filled drive tech floats to top of HGST heap

Mongo
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Re: Yeah helium, great

Foil coated balloons (specifically made for helium filling and so far less pervious than standard rubber ones) steadily lose both buoyancy and volume across several weeks before entering an apparently endless half-sized afterlife (observations terminated after some months when child finally persuaded that balloon had joined choir invisible). Interestingly the foil is only a little elastic at the outset and rapidly becomes flaccidso most of the helium loss occurs at atmospheric pressure rather than being "squeezed out" by the taut rubber membrane. So from this I guess that the contents is roughly half He and half dull (air? nitrogen), i.e. indeed only half a metric crapton of new-fangled HDD per wedding.

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Mongo
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Re: Yeah helium, great

We surely don't want to run out of helium but you might want to check your target: wild-ass-guess says one helium party balloon has the same He gas content as 100+ drives (since most of interior volume is platters, heads, etc), and the average wedding party around here seems to release a couple of dozen balloons, symbolising aspirations or somesuch. So that's a few thousand drives worth, each of which will probably be longer-lived than the average marriage ;-)

Maybe Tim Worstall will drop in and tell us what the real He reserves & resources are like.

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Marathon race ace FOUND ON MARS – NASA boffins overjoyed

Mongo
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ROTM: little blighters can even run a marathon faster than me

And it's arguably better looking too. My only hope is that (like the Culture Minds) the machines keep around because the random crap I do is kind of cute.

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Microsoft enlists web security pariah Adobe to help build Internet Explorer-killer Spartan

Mongo
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So the Spartans have invited the Trojans around to advise on the decor?

"It's alright lads, they're just going to show us the newest UI thinking for decorative sculptures - it seems horses are very big this season. Boy do I feel sorry for our competitors - someone is in for a very big surprise!"

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Post-pub nosh neckfiller: Chana masala

Mongo
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Broad beans!

You just spoke to my inner child - and now my inner child is crying and wants the horrible man to go away and never say that again. A neuron not triggered for 25 years just leapt up with the memory of leathery skin like a small and flattish Alien egg, only with the lurking surprise being the floury slightly sour taste within (a surprise transformed to weary familiarity across summer since the the damned plant was as fecund as E. coli)

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Mongo
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tinned chickpeas FTW

Else it has to be a very well organised hangover, involving washing & soaking them the night before, cooking forever, etc. Or driving a pressure cooker while still probably legally intoxicated: endless possibilities for mayhem when an impatient drunk engineer with vague memories of James Watt's glorious place in history is let loose in the kitchen.

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Guardian: 'Oil reserves will soon be worth NOTHING!' (A bit like their stock tips, really)

Mongo
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Re: The main point of the petition isn't economics, it's ethical

Then don't attempt to underpin the ethical argument with economics, since that certainly risks the argument being fought (as in these comments) and possibly there lost on the minor grounds of economics.

This is analogous to the common point that it is false and dangerous to defend homosexuality on grounds of it being an involuntary orientation rather than a choice: because this admits the possibility that it might be "cured" (gene manipulation, etc). If there is a moral point then don't stand it upon an unrelated base.

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Mongo
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Re: There will be a need for Carbon stuff in the Economy

Pre-cooked hydrocarbons will indeed be in use for a long while; the future world where it's cheaper to synthesise all molecules from scratch feels closer to Banks' "Culture" than to us. But the Guardian's argument that a big price correction could result isn't on those grounds daffy: a rapid halving of demand would be very bad news for OPEC & friends.

But of course it won't be that rapid and betting on this as an investment strategy is betting that you the newspaper reader are smarter & better-informed than the oil companies, who of course are already spreading their bets into other energy products, etc.

It's almost mythic to believe that BP & co are so wedded to their dark satanic wells that they won't aggressively reorient their businesses with the winds of change, be those winds economic, technical, or regulatory. It makes for a nice morality play to regard them as Mordor but really they're more like the firm in "Point Blank": thoroughly amoral but also pragmatic.

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Battle for control of Earth's unconnected souls moves to SPAAAACE

Mongo
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does IridiumNEXT still have bling?

I get a kick out of the Jove's Maglight effect of Iridium flares, the way a mote in the sky zaps me at exactly the scheduled time (in my dreams meteor showers also have such reliable payoffs)

http://www.heavens-above.com/iridiumhelp.aspx

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Mongo
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and even further along the emotional register...

(Prof. Timothy Fielding): I'm sorry, I'm sorry! Can I put this into some sort of perspective? When I caught Gerald in '68 he was completely wild.

(Gerald, the Gorilla): Wild? I was absolutely livid!

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BBC gives naked computers to kids (hmm, code for something?)

Mongo
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well you know what they say...

a million adolescents here, a million there, pretty soon you're talking serious smut-filter subversion

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Boffins brew up FIRST CUPPA in SPAAACE using wireless energy (well, sort of)

Mongo
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energy for cloud-cuckoo land

For space solar to make sense either atmospheric attenuation of solar energy would have to be enormous (so that one orbiting panel replaces one thousand on earth) or it has to be supplementary, i.e. after carpeting the Sahara with panels still more power is needed (and then the energy yield still has to exceed the input of getting them into orbit and maintaining them there. In fact attenuation isn't that bad (skim read of wikipedia suggests 50-75%) and short of a space elevator or nanomachines processing captured asteroids directly into panels I doubt they can be built in an energy-profitable way (and that's completely disregarding other costs)

So fine research, keep it up - but stop justifying it as "gonna make peace with Greenpeace"

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Timeout, Time Lords: ICANN says there is only one kind of doctor

Mongo
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is .twat reserved for ICANN?

or is it .another-avoidable-debacle?

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Fizzy bubbles at the ready: Dot-com celebrates 30th birthday

Mongo
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Re: Symbolics!

interesting speculation, that somewhat-open-source would have starved the FOSS movement of oxygen. It does seem a "curiously recurring [cultural] template", that we need the brink of catastrophe to make us notice what we're losing and have already lost - in companies this manifests itself as ceasing to innovate until it's often fatally late, in NZ environmentalism it took the loggers going into the last remaining virgin forest to get a critical mass of conservation, in general our horizons are biased to the short term

(and people aren't wearing enough hats...)

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SpaceX to deliver Bigelow blow-up job to ISS astronauts

Mongo
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At last I can explain the ISS to my children

"See that bright light moving above us? It's a bouncy castle in space!"

(next step, checking C&A for spacesuits in children's sizes, then waiting for a 2-for-1 deal and hoping that they have some decent colours left)

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Yay! Wearables! It's the future! Uh-oh! I'm going to be sick

Mongo
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"Tron, Dick or Florian"

Joy! I do hope Mr Dabbs high-fived his-sweaty-flabby-XXL-self when he coined that one

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Telly chef Jamie Oliver in embarrassing infection double shocker

Mongo
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bet 'Umble Pie is off the menu

Have to pray their ideas on food hygiene are a bit more advanced than on digital hygiene, since they define success as "victim didn't manage to prove it was our fault":

"We have had only a handful of comments from users over the last couple of days, and no-one has reported any serious issues."

Just how many sites do I visit in a day? And how long would it take me to figure out which one dunnit? And I guess I'll be complaining via an online form - once I've regained enough control. And I'll bet that if I do all that the result will be an "apologise for any inconvenience" wave-off

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'Get your privacy policy down to one page': AVG CEO throws glove down

Mongo
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Re: “Get your privacy policy down to one page in a language that everybody understands"

and none of that "this document is subject to revision without notice; the version in effect can be found at http://now.we/ve.got.you.by.the.balls " shit that tries to conflate "contract" with "blind man's buff"

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Grab your pitchforks: Ubuntu to switch to systemd on Monday

Mongo
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Re: Cue...

I'm gonna rage-quit in style: torrenting "Win ME" right now. Once those old-skool installer splash billboards start popping up I can relax a little, put a rant about "Lucas just raped my childhood" on my GeoCities site, and start planning my millennium party (obviously NOT inviting anyone who looks bored when I re-re-reiterate that it's on December 31 2000 because there was no "A.D. 0"...)

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Calling a friend? Listen to an advert. You lucky, lucky thing

Mongo
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so which network feels it can afford to lose 200m subscribers?

it'll make Ratner envious

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Accused Silk Road boss's lawyer insists he was just a fall guy

Mongo
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Effective "a big boy did it and ran away" defenses require...

...some decent evidence of big boy involvement. Otherwise we may as well say Russell's teapot did it ("go on, PROVE it didn't...")

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Nice SECURITY, 'Lizard Squad'. Your DDoS-for-hire service LEAKS

Mongo
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Re: Will the list be published?

Sure to be - the world is full of knave loops: this diagram shows the eternal circle of backstabbers (and just how far ahead it gets them)

Escher did that from intuition alone, but with this data set perhaps we can arrive at a rigorous algebra of bastardry: if A shits on B and B shits on C then can we say A shits transitively on C? And then work towards the minimal spanning tree of scumbags?

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Is is a Bird? Is it a Plane? NO! LOOK OUT it's an ASTEROID!

Mongo
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Bah!

Having shivered my butt off too many times in hope of a meteor display to rival the great shower of 1833 and generally been rewarded with "several per hour!" or "observers in clear sky locations had multiple orgasms" (then went blind...), now I refuse to get out of bed for anything that I can't see through the front door spyhole (of my basement flat...)

(to be fair one Perseid shower did have a dawn fireball with a visible smoke trail but my idea of a meteor radiant is roughly what Han Solo sees when jumping to light speed)

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Warning: Using encrypted email in Spain? Do not pass go, go directly to jail

Mongo
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> nail her

Harumph! Sir, in my day that would have been deemed fraternizing with the enemy.

--- Disgusted,

Tunbridge Wells

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Mongo
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> Navajo

I'm sorry, but I regret to say that I do not personally know a single Navajo who is working on the side of the angels. Not one single individual. And while I would normally hesitate to extrapolate from personal experiences I think in these uniquely perilous times (for when else in recorded history have we faced such dangerous threats?) we cannot waste time collecting further evidence or following antiquated ideas of personal liberty and justice.

Thanks to your useful description ("nobody understands what they are saying") I'm now ready to make a citizen's arrest of the very next Navajo I meet: probably Ms Kowalski, the blonde barista at my local Starbucks.

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NSA: SO SORRY we backed that borked crypto even after you spotted the backdoor

Mongo
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Ok, he's a liar. And that's part of his job.

But here he seems like an incompetent liar - are we meant to think that he thinks he's sold this version?

"whoopsie, it was flawed and even though we hire more mathematicians than anyone else and pay well to get the best ones and historically have been years ahead of the disclosed state-of-the-art and were part of the committee discussing the flaws we somehow didn't notice them, our bad..." (blushes winsomely)

Presuming not, what's the real message being sold? We're not so ominous really, look how we do pratfalls like your drunk uncle? Ok, here's your excuse and no we *don't* give a shit because prior experience shows it doesn't matter what we say, the Admin/Congress won't reign us in?

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Stop viewing Facebook at work says Facebook at work on Facebook at Work

Mongo
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The future is so bright it makes me cry

"Update: Mongo just ran unit tests successfully!"

-- Boss and 3 others like this

Mongo got the "Template Metaprogram cross-compilation achievement"

-- Alexander Andrescu likes this

"WARNING! Norman has just gone postal"

-- Be the first of your friends to like this!

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Professor's BEAGLE lost for 10 years FOUND ON MARS

Mongo
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Re: 10 years

Yep, a child of the days of "Cool Britannia", with its Damien Hurst spot painting to calibrate the camera and the "Blur" sample to, uh, annoy the locals? And somewhere in the background is Blair explaining why invading Iraq is the right thing to do...

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Comet Lovejoy's greenish glow visible with naked eye this weekend

Mongo
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> much better view of it with a telescope or good pair of binoculars.

or an ACME grand piano hanging from a rope above the other end of the see-saw that Mr Coyote recommends for all your leaping-5km-in-the-air needs (he does it catch road runners, I'll need to do it to get above the cloud deck)

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LICK THAT ATM: Diebold and Corning debug displays

Mongo
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Since it's Diebold

perhaps they'd consider spending more time worrying about the bugs in their software and less on the ones on the screen?

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