* Posts by Camilla Smythe

958 posts • joined 3 Apr 2009

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Milk IN the teapot: Innovation or abomination?

Camilla Smythe
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What he said.

Absolute sacrilege - tea doesn't brew properly once the milk is added.

The fat in the milk clogs the pores in the Teabag if you are using them and/or otherwise coats the leaves so the water cannot act properly upon them. Either you wait for ages or end up with piss weak Tea. Putting milk in brewing Tea is....

"Well. I did almost think that it was time to pay them a visit but they seem to have being doing some terribly stupid stuff recently what with the...."

"My Lord!! We have reports of someone placing milk in brewing tea!"

"ARGGGGGH. Drop the Quarantine Buoy and get us out of here. Maximum Speed."

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Captain Piccard's planet-orbiting solar aircraft in warped drive drama

Camilla Smythe
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Around The World in 21 Days.

What were they faffing about with for the other 488 days?

I'll leave someone else to explain which bit I misread.

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Pokemon GO-ZILLA: Safety fears after monsters appear in Fukushima danger zone

Camilla Smythe
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Hai!

Hai!

You phone is here!

We create next Pokemon here!

Go catch Pokemon!

Hai!

You phone is here!

We create next Pokemon here!

Go catch Pokemon!

Hai!

You phone is here!

We create next Pokemon here!

Go catch Pokemon!

Hai!

You phone is here!

We create next Pokemon here!

Go catch Pokemon!

Hai!

You phone is here!

We create next Pokemon here!

Go catch Pokemon!

Hai!

Lost GPS signal on your phone!

Glug Glug Glug.

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Dolly the sheep clones have aged well, say scientists

Camilla Smythe
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Good

Full steam ahead on getting rid of the male of the specieses.

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Harrison Ford's leg, in the Star Wars film, with the Millennium Falcon door

Camilla Smythe
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Ford, best known..

..for playing CSO Jack Stanfield in the 2006 cyber-thriller Firewall.

Not part of my memory but he still pulls the same faces. Just another one trick horse like Brian Blessed.

<rant>

I thought a Firewall was that thing you stuck between sections of Forests... Oh hang on it's that iptables thing you use to stop some script kiddie twat face from connecting to your mail server 20 times every second.

Perhaps Jack Stanfield can sort that one out for me. Can someone implement IPv6 sometime soon. I realise I will be totally identifiable but it will force a rewrite of that 'Yo Scan The Internet in 20 seconds' shite that lives on github.

Oh and whilst I am on the case.

FUCK OFF Umich.Edu, and the rest of the twats. I did not ask you for a 'security/research scan' and you did not offer me any 'results'. Go get your students to practice on your own network.

</rant>

<sarc>

I, for one, will be glad when the IPBill is passed because it will nip all this script kiddy shit in the bud as our Security Forces swing into action and prevent people taking £600 out of my bank account via Western Union for the privilege of having my computer fucked over some more or having to buy more storage for my log files. Go Theresa.

</sarc>

Otherwise I am inclined to agree with Health And Safety at Work... even if it involves pretend movie security experts..... What? You mean the character has been adopted and promoted by GCHQ? Perhaps I'll just go to bed and wake up when this bad dream is all over.

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She wants it. She needs it. Shall I give it to her or keep doing it by myself?

Camilla Smythe
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Ah Yes... Windows .tmp files.

Something like that anyway.

"job: 36890786: logged from user XXXX

Hi my computer has crashed. Help!!"

Pays to visit.

"Hi. Problem?"

"Yes it just stopped working and my Power Point Presentation has been lost."

"Oh. OK. Let's just have a look in here. Hmm sort by date."

"Wow! what are all those ~weird files?"

"Err. Those are the ones that are using up 94% of your hard drive."

"OK. Let's just rename the last one to .ppt and have a looksie."

"Oh great thanks. I would have hated to have lost all that work."

"No Problems. What do you want to do with the other ones?"

"Uhm?"

"Looks like two years worth of crashes."

"All my work!!!?"

"Yup. Do you remember what it might have been."

"Uhm.... No."

del *.*

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Coup-Tube: Turkey blocks social networks amid military takeover

Camilla Smythe
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Re: if you can read this you are probably one of the lucky ones

Last I knew grass roots Turkey was inhabited by credible people. You make it sound like Theresa May is in control whilst Boris Johnson is dealing with foreign policy. Welcome home.

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Get ready for mandatory porn site age checks, Brits. You read that right

Camilla Smythe
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Re: It was my fault.

Uhm... I told them damp string was the pron filter, cough, and they seemed to accept that self regulation was the proper way forward for the industry.

I also dropped in on The Climate Change Committee and cautioned about rising sea levels as a result of all this rain we have been having recently. They were a bit nonplussed until I pointed out that all of that water eventually finds its way back into the sea via those things called rivers.

Anyway. I advised that they raise the Thames Barrier to stop the rain entering the sea and implement a hose pipe ban until it had all evaporated. They seemed much happier after I had provided them with a solution they understood rather than the problems other expert witnesses come up with.

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Camilla Smythe
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It was my fault.

I was demonstrating how communications systems worked to The Committee and one of them asked how they could achieve the higher speeds they had been promising without spending any money so I showed them how things got better if you put a bit of tension in the string.

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Forget YouTube – meet ChewTube: Strangers watching millennials eat

Camilla Smythe
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South Korea... Noodles.

I believe the operative word is Ramen and yes Ramyeon, South Korean Ramyeon as opposed to the Japanese or Chinese version which is considered to be rubbish, is very popular as a base for a meal. They even have Ramyeon Restaurants. There was however some concern from the Government that Da Yoof who were doing it at home were getting slightly fat because they were adding too much or too much of the wrong stuff to the base so they published some advisory videos and parody arrived. It's quick, simple, infinitely variable and fits within a five minute video.

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Raspberry Pi 3 tops SBC poll for self-brew hackers and Linux folk

Camilla Smythe
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Meh

Every time I load Jessie on my B2, wheezy no longer available, and upgrade it bash auto-complete disappears...

And do not even try to suggest to me that I should edit some bash resource file in order to get it back.

Idiots.

Presumably I should blame systemD.

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Open letter from EPO staff pleads with country reps to fire president

Camilla Smythe
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Mr Battistelli

Should file and then grant a Patent on his own behaviour then tell the rest of them to 'fuck off' on pain of being 'patent trolled'.

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Holy kittens! YouTube screens go blank

Camilla Smythe
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Way to Go Google...

Does that mean they fucked up the associated CDN, Content Delivery Network, as well? Wankers.

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Cloudian clobbers car drivers with targeted ads

Camilla Smythe
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Pointing and calling

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pointing_and_calling

"Hai!! Advert for muschi muschi toy!!"

"Hai!! Advert for muschi muschi toy!!"

"Hai!! Advert for muschi muschi toy!!"

"Hai!! Advert for muschi muschi toy!!"

"Hai!! Advert for muschi muschi toy!!"

-

-

"Hai!!" BANG CRUMP

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US House to vote on whether poor people need mobile phones

Camilla Smythe
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Not Subsidising Mobile Homes!?

Well, that's at least 20% of the US youth hero movie industry fucked.

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Rejoice, fatties: Giving chocolate electric shocks makes it healthier

Camilla Smythe
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Fucking Researchers..

Reducing fat also means that chocolate has a higher cocoa concentration making it richer and tastier, the researchers said: “We are expecting a new class of healthier and tastier chocolate soon.”

Erm.. nope. They will just introduce some more homogeneously blended sawdust to bring it back down to your previously adjusted expectations.. and then continue to lower those expectations.

Cocoa butter, a vital ingredient of most chocolate, boosts fat levels and is added to give chocolate a smooth velvety texture when it melts in the mouth, so when it’s taken away or substituted, the chocolate becomes gloopy.

It's called Cacao and if you believe the tree huggers then United CACAO, EPIC CHOC, is out to destroy the Peruvian Rain Forests...

http://www.burness.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/04/FINAL-Brief-LSE-Deforestation-Peru-5.4.16.pdf

According to CHOC...

http://www.unitedcacao.com/index.php/en/

Cacao is a rare and dwindling resource so these 'pseudo boffins' have just reduced the share price by at least another 10%. Bastards.

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Cash-strapped English and Welsh cops prepare to centralise all 43 forces' websites

Camilla Smythe
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Uhm.. ICRs anyone.

After an extremely long process the Police ICT Company finally got off the ground last year. It is funded by police forces with the remit of reducing cops' annual IT bill of £1bn.

https://www.dontspyonus.org.uk/blog/2016/03/30/%E2%80%98snoopers%E2%80%99-charter%E2%80%99-could-hit-police-forces-with-%C2%A31-billion-bill/

Presumably the 3,000 Plod will be redeployed making May mandated SQL queries on the collected data from the 'non-centralised data-base' whilst the rest of the force, with no access to IT, will have to stay at home with Nintendo prior to being laid off.

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Apple pollutes data about you to protect your privacy. But it might not be enough

Camilla Smythe
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Re: @ Camilla Smythe @ inmypjs

I do apologise to short people by offering you up as an excuse as to why the point may have gone over the head of @RJ1.

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Camilla Smythe
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Re: @ inmypjs

@AC Oh Dear...

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Camilla Smythe
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Re: @ inmypjs

With a well presented point(?) like yours I equate your post with worthless.

@Richard Jones 1

Presumably it went over your head because you are a short person. Will you accept that, should I be so inclined, if I were to send an e-mail to you on your, assuming you do have one, gmail account then the contents would be subject to analysis by Google.... bit of a waste of time me setting up and running my own mail server to avoid Google then. Oh silly me, it's ever so convenient for you though and you do not mind giving up a bit of your privacy for that convenience... but stuff everyone else.

Recently I started getting spammed by LinkedIn on behalf of an American Lawyer. Turns out he, as a privacy advocate, had managed to spaff all of his contacts to LinkedIn. FFS. I hope that gaff did not include 'important clients'. Otherwise I suppose LinkedIn is really convenient and such stuff and hey... you do not mind giving up a bit of your privacy for the convenience... but stuff everyone else.

Especially when people feed email from other accounts through gmail so the sender can't tell it will be read by google.

Case in point my MP runs his own website mymp.com and provides a contact e-mail address mymp@mymp.com so being dumb I think it might be fairly useful to use that one to have a moan at him about something...

;; QUESTION SECTION:

:mymp.com. IN MX

;; ANSWER SECTION:

:mymp.com. 14400 IN MX 10 ASPMX4.GOOGLEMAIL.com.

:mymp.com. 14400 IN MX 10 ASPMX3.GOOGLEMAIL.com.

:mymp.com. 14400 IN MX 10 ASPMX5.GOOGLEMAIL.com.

:mymp.com. 14400 IN MX 5 ALT2.ASPMX.L.GOOGLE.com.

:mymp.com. 14400 IN MX 1 ASPMX.L.GOOGLE.com.

:mymp.com. 14400 IN MX 5 ALT1.ASPMX.L.GOOGLE.com.

:mymp.com. 14400 IN MX 10 ASPMX2.GOOGLEMAIL.com.

Hey... but that's alright. It is just so bloody convenient... and stuff the rest of you.

Now you mention how pristine you are, for yourself, about Google and presumably other cookies. I do not know for certain because I have my mail locked down to avoid it but does Google try to set cookies via e-mail? If so then you again assuming you use gmail may well be spuking their cookies all over your mates computers but that's OK because whilst you are so informed and it's all so convenient.. stuff everyone else.

Of course if your mates are not as dead clev as you.. yeah well, as you know it's all so convenient so stuff them.

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Camilla Smythe
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Re: So what happens....

Not necessarily confused but I am prone to making things up. Your example of Safari does seem to exemplify what I may have been blithering on about and the wiki page, way above my head, does hint at something else going on.

I was previously going to go off the deep end and suggest that rather than attempting to 'pollute' the data Apple should just not collect it in the first place but it would seem that they still can and do want to make cash from it by farming it out for analysis by others. No doubt they do the same internally themselves.

Being a bit of a luddite I'm not sure I would trust this 'pollution' concept, as you suggest the implementation is key and it seems, headline example was the Netflix one that others have had misplaced confidence in the past.... It would seem in that case and others things fall over where someone takes two data sets, one less anonymous than the other in order to make a match that identifies a 'real' person... So you pollute the data such that...

So Dave is named in one data-set, not from Apple, and has a number of interests not including thirsty diesel engines but including gardening and other stuff. Dave also appears in Apple's data-set and is also interested in the other stuff but not gardening however Apple slips in an interest in thirsty diesel engines in order to 'pollute' things. However Apple are clever and remove any personal identifying information about Dave. Now we cannot be absolutely certain that unknown Dave is known Dave

The NSA get hold of the data-sets and notice that Dave with no name looks very similar to Dave with a name. The NSA do a chi squared test and are marginally certain that the Dave they know about who is interested gardening but not diesel is the Unnamed Dave offered up by Apple who is interested in diesel but not gardening.

They reason, realising the risk, that Unknown Dave from Apple is likely to be stockpiling diesel for AMFO using his Apple Anonymised account whilst being a bit relaxed elsewhere as named Dave about his apparently benign gardening practices in order to obtain fertiliser again for his AMFO so just to be safe they send in the SWAT team.

Something like that anyway.

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Camilla Smythe
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Re: So what happens....

So.... You are into trains and in particular Napier diesel engines. You've even gone and built your own on a static stand much to the chagrin of the Wife who wishes you would do some gardening. Apple decides that you are now into gardening and spend an inordinate amount of time researching fertiliser. Diesel + Fertilizer = AMFO. You are now a terrorist.

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Camilla Smythe
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Black Helicopters

So what happens....

When Apple manages to pollute your data in such a way that you end up being identified as a terrorist?

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Tim Peake to return to Earth after six months floating around in space

Camilla Smythe
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Pint

Hmm...

"With reduced gravity in space, bodily fluids have been pushed upwards, increasing the pressure in the brain and causes the astronauts’ faces to swell and their eyesight to blur."

Given our biologicals have spent a bit of time evolving, on a planet that's revolving, under gravitational influence and spend most of our time with our heads at the top then it makes sense that the fluidic systems involved might over time decide to pump stuff in that general direction.

I suppose being in micro-gravity space is half/quarter[?] of the equivalent of standing on your head on earth for a couple of minutes whilst you drink a pint.

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Microsoft's paid $60 per LinkedIn user – and it's a bargain, because we're mugs

Camilla Smythe
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BOLLOCKS!

"If you have ever gone to manufacturer's websites to get data on products before making a considered purchase you have responded to advertising."

I will have made a considered choice based on the *information provided* rather than listening to some tracking 'sun shines out of my arse and your browsing experience is improved' parasitic twat repeatedly shoving their shit in my face in order to earn 10 cents for a click through which they would not get anyway.

Feel free to miss the point.

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Microsoft and LinkedIn: What the CEOs are planning

Camilla Smythe
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Today it Feels Good to be Unemployable and Poor.

Not only do I not have to post a bullshit CV to LinkedIn I also get to run Linux.

Fuckin' Karma.

My sympathies to all of you left in the 'rat race'... I'll just get back to my Roasted Sausage, Bacon and Cheese Mashed Potato Bake. If Lester is interested I'll publish the recipe on FacePlant, assuming he cannot work it out for himself and I have a FacePlant account.

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Government regulation will clip coders' wings, says Bruce Schneier

Camilla Smythe
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Hah! Hah! Hah! #IPBill

Gov, Tom, Dick and Mrs Miggins get to haxxor it anyway.

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Boffins send encrypted quantum messages to spaaaace – and back

Camilla Smythe
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Boffin

I'd just note, probably incorrectly...

That as long as your transmission system remains agnostic to the method of quantum encryption you are using then your connection is secure... Goes for a piss. Uhm, No I don't understand it.

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UK Home Office is creating mega database by stitching together ALL its gov records

Camilla Smythe
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May Bangs Others Drums...

Sorry to keep banging the same drum but the Home Secretary has five eighths of four fifths of f*ck all to do with this, she probably didn't even know what was happening beyond some vague hand waving "IT Improvement Scheme" with an attached budget reduction for the laid off staff that was pushed across her desk among all the warrant requests.

So basically you are saying she does not have a fucking clue. Good luck trying to extract an admission.

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Winston Churchill glowers from Blighty's plastic fiver

Camilla Smythe
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Bonza!!

Get rid of those sharp corners, add a bit of RFID, printed semiconductor technology, and we are good to go on Facebook 'Minority Report'.

"Hello Neo. Is that a large bunch of Fivers in your pocket or are you looking to buy me?"

"Ello, Ello, Ello... I was not authorized to look but 'Subject Bob', according to his 'FCRs', Fiver Connection Records, was in the same gardening shop as that suspicious bloke buying fertilizer and used one to load up his car with diesel 10 minutes later..."

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UK Home Sec makes concessions to please Snoopers' Charter opposition

Camilla Smythe
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Re: For some reason I have idly wondered

what would happen if I maintained my own DNS server(s) ?

Rest assured that in order to get the data they want and given the TerroroPaedophiles will be using similar techniques and more to avoid having their 'ICRs' slurped that all ISPs will be installing hardcore DPI kit in their networks and slurping everything for storage and subsequent analysis.

As Mark Hughes from BT suggested.. They, BT, at the time of his spoken evidence, were still in discussion with The Home Office in respect of what might be available in respect of ICRs but the basic message was..

'What do you want? How much do you want? What are you willing to pay?'

He even went on to suggest that 'cost' could be considered to be a measure of 'proportionality'.

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Take that, Mom! Turns out Super Mario Bros was all about solving complex math problems

Camilla Smythe
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Like Riding a Bike

Flappy Bird.... meh!

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US nuke arsenal runs on 1970s IBM 'puter waving 8-inch floppies

Camilla Smythe
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Crap..!

Thanks for, not, wasting me a night of reading. I have run out of steam at page 188 and will not be able to give me Mum her Friday 9:00AM call but I have an excuse. Also mentioned to "in the pipeline". Time for bed.

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One ad-free day: Three UK to block adverts across network in June

Camilla Smythe
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Might be nice to know how Shine does it.

I know not a lot but if it involves DPI then it is likely to be illegal because it performs an interception of communications whereby both parties have not given consent to that interception. Not a problem if we Brexit and/or Mrs May gets her way[1]

OTOH if they are basing it, assuming pron filters work along similar lines, on DNS whereby your phone is forced via its SIM to use their DNS such that adnetworkbastard1.com resolves to threetrackingpixelserver.com then it might appear to be less dodgy.

In effect they will be providing something similar to a 'hosts' file to their customers... but you might notice the way I have phrased the concept.

[1]If Mrs May gets her way all ISPs will be forced to install full on DPI equipment into their networks in order to satiate the maw of the Centralised DataBase.[2]

[2]Apparently that is going to cost quite a bit of money so it would be a good idea for ISPs to take control of the Advertising Market.

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Microsoft won't back down from Windows 10 nagware 'trick'

Camilla Smythe
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ISTR

This is in effect exactly the same behaviour adopted by Phorm for their 'opt-in' interstitial in Brazil, Romania and Turkey. The user would try to visit Pornhub and Phorm would pop-up their interstitial 'invite' page whilst immediately setting 'opted-in' cookies on the users machine. Naturally the user would go WTF! and close the pop-up to continue on to the 'good stuff' and end up being 'opted-in'. That sort of behaviour, amongst others, was determined to be illegal and a few fines were handed out to ISPs with Phorm being forced to adopt a more reasonable approach... basically they had to set 'opted-out' cookies such that if the user closed the pop-up without taking further action they were 'opted-out'. Perhaps someone might care to prod the appropriate EU department and get them to look into things.... or point me in the right direction and I'll bash off a letter.

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Thai bloke battles jumbo python in toilet todger thriller

Camilla Smythe
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Unless it is done later...

I call FAKE.

TYAGN

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Bearded Baron Shugs hired by Gov.uk to get down with the kids

Camilla Smythe
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Wun Step Beyond!!

Good to see Suggs has been invited to get 'Da Apprenticeship Yoof' to get on their baggy trousers and 'Go Apprenticeship' things. More SKA SAX REQUIRED!!!111!!!

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Labour scores review of Snoopers' Charter's bulk powers from UK.gov

Camilla Smythe
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Needs another check then.

"Right Minion. Think carefully."

"Sir?"

"In order to get Bulk Data Base Access Rights you have to be properly vetted."

"Sir?"

"Did you ever dig about in your Parents wardrobe to find out what your Christmas Presents were?"

"That's a relief Sir. I thought it was just me but your secrets' safe."

"Damn! Think Carefully!"

"Oh! Err, I'm sure others may have done but I always waited until the day of disappointment."

"Good Man. Now then the User Name is "User". The Password is "Pass".

"Is that it Sir?"

"Come on Man write them down. You might forget them."

"Gosh. Good Idea Sir." scribble scribble.

"Welcome aboard."

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Camilla Smythe
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AFAIK

David Andersons 'A Question of Trust' was, by and large, supportive of the proposed powers. Now he is being asked to perform a review which requires the employment of two other technical experts in order to assist him. These people need appropriate security clearances in order to look inside The Security Services and presumably will not be able to fully report on their discoveries but rather grunt yes or no. It sounds very similar to the Public Bill Committee Stage whereby it appears people had to take the word of Mr John Hayes, Minister for Security and extremely pro IPBill, because he was the only one with the security clearance to question The Security Services and report to the committee. IIRC he repeatedly argued that the powers were required but suggested he could not say why because that would give the game away and no-one else had the clearances to be given any details so.... Will David Anderson get any further or, no offence meant to Mr Anderson, are we going to see another wash wash?

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Salesforce slaps UK Enterprise customers with 40% price hike

Camilla Smythe
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Re: WTF?

"Service Cloud Lightning empowers your agents to make your customers love you."

"Hi Customer. Meet Mr Cloud Lightning Tazer. Do you love us?"

"Ow! Bastard!"

"Hi Customer. Meet Mr Cloud Lightning Tazer. Do you love us?"

"Ow! Bastard!"

-

-

"Hi Customer. Meet...."

"Yes! Yes! I love you. Sell me something. Anything. Just sell me something now!"

"Wanna buy some more socks?"

Oh I do like the smell of Customer Rehabilitation Management in the morning.

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Forget high-powered PCs, mobile is the future of VR, says Google

Camilla Smythe
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Time to go back to 12" B&W CRT TV.

After a couple of days or less you cannot spot the difference.

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LinkedIn plays down '117 million users' breach data sale

Camilla Smythe
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Fair Doos Tho'

I'm still trying to get my head around encryption, hashing and salting so it must be hard stuff and, presumably, they 'Take Security and Privacy Very Seriously.'

So

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</rant> <- I'm not qualified to but please fill in if you are so inclined.

That's OK Then.

@ WolfFan

I will be missing the love as well.

Lost! access! to! my! Pseudo! Yahoo! e!-mail! address! used! to! sign! up! to! linked! in! years! ago! Presumably! before! 'They!' got! breached!

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Spied upon by GCHQ? You'll need proof before a court will hear you...

Camilla Smythe
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I often make an effort to top myself when faced with the same.

I may have missed something but does not attempting to top yourself[1] as a result of someone else's actions[3] qualify as 'harm'?

[1] After many attempts using prescription rubbish it turns out that a ligature around the neck and a twist from a Big Spanner[2] is the best way to go.

[2] After the first twist you will be winding string.

[3] No. I cannot 'prove it' but it's pretty bloody obvious.

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Brit polar vessel christened RRS Sir David Attenborough

Camilla Smythe
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Thomas and his Mates had...

Thomas and his Mates had been seconded to Merseyside, Liverpool in order to transport all of the steel and other bits needed to build a new ship. Oh how the tracks moaned and buckled in a Liverpudlian way whilst the build was in progress but the Fat Controller kept all of the team in line.

Eventually the day came when the ship was finished and The Queen turned up to launch it. Thomas and all his mates lined up on the sidings to watch the event surrounded by disgruntled Liverpudlians with oxyacetylene torches.

Apparently the shipyard would be closed after this launch but they still felt a sense of pride at having helped to build such a nice looking ship with a very important job. The Fat Controller had even paid for their holiday with Tata in India as a reward.

After a lot of Pomp and Ceremony The Queen raised her bottle of Champagne on a Rope and announced,

"I Name this Ship The RSS Sir David Attenborough. May God bless her and all who sail in her!"

"WHAT!!1!! Look here Mrs. Before you slap my Arse with that bottle of Champagne how can you call me a Her and then name me as a Bloke and whilst I am on the case does my other end, My Face, in any way shape or form resemble that of this David Attenborough bloke. Good grief woman, he is not yet dead and yet you wish that upon him? See my Front End.. Sigh, look can someone wheel her around the Front. I know I have an impressive Arse but I would like to discuss things Face to Face."

This caused lots of officials to race about the place but after things had calmed down once again The Queen raised her bottle of Champagne on a Rope and once again announced,

"I Name this Ship The RSS Sir David Attenborough. May God bless her and all who sail in her!"

and threw the bottle. Everyone who was not going to be made redundant the next day cheered and let off balloons and streamers. Then nothing happened... apart from lots of officials and management flapping about the place achieving nothing.

"Thomas! Can you bring her up front?"

Thomas was quite surprised as lots of officials raced about him but got up steam and left the sidings to collect The Queen having listened to various veiled warnings and dripped a bit of oil on numerous pieces of paper by way of a signature. Maybe he should not have let John Lennon do the Voice Over..

Having got up yard he collected the Queen and offered tea and toasted muffins courtesy of his Fire Box then set off to slowly the Front of the Ship lest the Royal Mug be spilled. Apparently the rails had also been booked for a holiday with Tata in India. Having arrived it took a bit of time to wash off the coal stains and put on some more make up but finally The Queen stood at the Front End of the Ship.

"Hello, Your Majesty. Ignoring your previous assault with a bottle on my Arse and your problems with gender may I ask you if my Face looks like David Attenborough?"

"Uhm, ... No."

"Perhaps David Bellamy?

"Uhm, ... No."

"Maybe Jacques Cousteau?"

"But he's. Uhm, ... No."

"Jimmy Hill?"

"Well now you mention it..."

"God Forbid. Madam! I am a Boat. I have the Face of a Boat. Whilst I have been laid down and birthed on Merseyside my steel feels its roots across this nation and the death of the industry that created my foreboats. As one of the last I would be proud to be called Boaty McBoatface and I will take care of all who sail in me but you might wish to fix a few of my stanchions before I take on that task."

Lots of officials flapped about and called other officials all over the country asking for boat psychology experts and, having not listened to their advice, it was decided to carry on regardless.

Thomas was asked to take The Queen back up to The Boat's Arse but he suggested he had run out of steam so The Queen had to use Uber and after a long tour of the streets of Liverpool, I'll show you something to make you change your mind, she ended up back at the prospective David Attenborough's Bum...

"I Name this Ship The RSS Sir David Attenborough. May God bless her and all who sail in her!"

"I'd rather sit here and rust. Not much point in being a ship being built by people who love you and named by people who love you only to be called after some bloke."

Twilight descended and Thomas sighed.

"You're a Girly Ship aren't you?"

"Well Thomas, back in the day you were built then whilst you may have missed it there was no problem with gender so you grew up to be a bloke engine. Perhaps I am a trans-gendered lump of steel fighting for my sexuality including the right to be A Ship."

"I'm a Tank Engine."

Toot. TooT. ToOT. TOOT! Thomas looked around and saw his friends had moved from the sidings to the front of the yard to join him in front of Boaty McBoatFace.

"I'm a bit bothered about our holiday to Tata in India and the one way ticket."

"Fuck me.. Now he almost gets it?"

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Learn a scripting language and play nicely: How to get a DevOps job

Camilla Smythe
Bronze badge

Ah but....

This is just DevOps01 so for the moment, whilst paying passing attention such that you can carry on doing your job as normal when someone uses the language of DevOps01 to ask you to do your job as normal, you need not be overly concerned. It's when the buzz moves onto DevOps02 that you really need to start paying attention and talking the talk along with the others in the short time window before it turns into DevOps-O-Rhea after which everyone gets bored and moves onto DevOpsAAS or some other Fad.

3
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Wasps force two passenger jets into emergency landings

Camilla Smythe
Bronze badge

Cunning Plan

Have some sort of internal mechanism that forces a pipe-cleaner or some other suitable rod up the pitot tube from the inside out to force any crud/wasps out of it.. or high pressure water/gas.

8
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Daisy-chained research spells malware worm hell for power plants and other utilities

Camilla Smythe
Bronze badge

YAY!!!!1! IPBill

Slap a 'Technical Capability Notice' on them and we in the UK are saved... Wot, you mean GCHQ wants first dibs before the notice is served? YAY!!!!1! IPBill.

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1

'Charred Weasel' Linux

Camilla Smythe
Bronze badge

"Have I fallen into a wormhole?"

Spooky

You are not allowed to comment in the alternative universe but you can escape into this parallel one to give warning to possible future travellers.

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