* Posts by Camilla Smythe

503 posts • joined 3 Apr 2009

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The Shock of the New: The Register redesign update 4

Camilla Smythe

How long....

Is it going to take you to put it back to how it was before whilst hoping people do not notice?

2
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Vulture 2 design hero describes epic 'hobby' project

Camilla Smythe

Arghhhh "The Engineer"

That structure is invested with 'double helices'.. !!£$%*&"!!!!11

2
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Sick of the 'criminal' lies about pie? Lobby the government HERE

Camilla Smythe

All Your Base Are Belong To Us.

I will just go stroke my white fluffy one.

0
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Penguin porn? NO! Linux folk in #LCA2015 standoff

Camilla Smythe

Re: Surely...

If the penguin is a gentleman, the lady will come first....

Fantasy is...

You cum together.

Reality is...

The Lady has multiple cums then claims thirst, rolls over and keeps you awake on the wet patch with her impression of a road drill until the wet patch dries out and then shunts you into the corner of the bed and robs the quilt.

YMMV

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Twitter co-founder: 'I don’t give a SHIT if Instagram has more people looking at pretty pics'

Camilla Smythe

No Doubt I Missed This...

http://i.imgur.com/2Zvqo7h.png

Muh-Huh.. Click

http://i.imgur.com/jhFmC8a.png

Uhm-Kay,....

Is this bad doo-doos?

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El Reg Redesign - leave your comment here.

Camilla Smythe
Coat

I'll check back later --> Mine protects me from Pron

ITMT the rest of you might wish to visit..

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/home/index.html

To view the future of El Reg.

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Camilla Smythe
Black Helicopters

Did Murdock... Icon --->

Spring the GeoCities wing from the Asylum during his latest escape?

3
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Google kills CAPTCHAs: Are we human or are we spammer?

Camilla Smythe

Hmmmm...

http://xkcd.com/1444/

6
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MEPs want 'unbiased search', whatever that is – they're not sure either

Camilla Smythe

Meh..

https://www.google.co.uk/search?hl=en-GB&source=hp&q=Vibrator+Motor&btnG=Google+Search&gbv=1

NO!!!1!!! I want to repair my Dildo. ARGHH ARGHH ARGHH.

Oh, perhaps someone else got more targeted results. Blush.

0
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Star Wars: Episode VII trailer lands. You call that a lightsaber? THIS is a lightsaber

Camilla Smythe

Re: People are griping about the practicality of a "light sabre"?

Apparently, sometime in the past, the BA got equipped with shit rifles.

http://www.theguardian.com/uk/2002/oct/10/military.jamesmeek

Presumably they have similar issues in fantasy land and this time 'The Dark Side' engineered 'The Light Sabre of Imposed Choice'.

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Camilla Smythe

Re: OMG... A little restraint please...

"FFS, this is a teaser for a movie that's still in production and won't be released for another year!!! I've read so much anti-this and anti-that about this title already and it's not even finished. FFS please stop this BS speculation. When the flick is finally released then everyone can express their opinions. Until then, naysayers please SHUT THE FUCK UP!"

Ah. I see your point.

What you are saying is they have run out of ideas so they are floating rubbish in the hope of crowd sourcing criticism in order to make things better.

Presumably this works if everyone chooses to STFU and let them get on with it.

15
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Camilla Smythe

All Videos Appear to be The Same

Is the glimpsed species good at sucking knob? Perhaps it evolved from the fleshlight.

As an aside I have to agree the new light sabre appears to be a bit of rubbish. Not being up to steam on Samurai stuff but it does seem waving it about will end up with severed wrists and trying to chop someone's head off will lose you your legs, at the torso if your opponent is short.

Perhaps it comes with sensors that switch off the useless bits when they are about to chop you up. Perhaps all will become clear in the fight choreography.

In respect of the robot.. Segway.

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Mysterious BEAM outside London Googleplex ZAPPED

Camilla Smythe

Wuh...!?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Q2OodKbztc

Assuming the 'video' is a screenshot of the bloke who is having his hair go all 'spikey' due to static charge why is the commentator flicking his arrow thing about background objects such as the roof of a car parked to the rear left and what might be the porch above a door entrance behind the bloke?

2
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El Reg reanimates Cash'n'Carrion merchandising tentacle

Camilla Smythe

Bike Pron

http://cdn.shopify.com/s/files/1/0551/7621/products/Flask2.png?v=1415964935

Don't suppose that would fit the bottle cage of a push bike.. And while I'm at it,

http://cdn.shopify.com/s/files/1/0551/7621/products/torch2.png?v=1416218981

Any specs, lifetime for rechargeable batteries and possible flash modes. Also any mounting hardware for handlebars and have you got similar in red for the rear?

0
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You'll go APE for our new Gorilla Glass 4, Corning reckons

Camilla Smythe

Fnarr Fnarr

To make the glass so strong the Corning team drew inspiration from 17th Century Dutch glassmakers who discovered a technique for making super-strong glass called Dutch Tears, or Prince Rupert's Drops.

Tears and a Prince Albert come to ming [SIC]

2
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Gartner mages: And the Enterprise Archiving Magic Quadrant top spot goes to...

Camilla Smythe

As an aside

Has anyone demonstrated that a Gartner Quadrant is worth the paper it is Quartered On beyond Self Procreation?

2
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It's space WAR: Comet launches fireballs at space-invading EARTH

Camilla Smythe

Meh..

The local council switches off the local street lights so the robbers can rob stuff but we can gaze better into the dark but the weather man taketh it away with his clouds and fog and shit.

No doubt in the cold light of tomorrow, when the sun wakes up.. but not for Phil, I shall put a foot out of the bed and be welcomed to the intense cold of a clear sky.. or fog.

Perhaps I should press 9 next time someone autodials me and suggests .gov is going to pay for my solar panels.

Is Jonathan Livingstone Perseid still about?

Don't bother waking me up. I have a cat for that one.

0
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Facebook, working on Facebook at Work, works on Facebook. At Work

Camilla Smythe

No Doubt..

You will have to link your 'Facebook Account' to your 'Facebook At Work' account and be invited to upload all the contact details from your address book so your 'friends' will be invited to join as well and you will be automatically 'friended' with hrdepartment@yourcompany.com and yourboss@yourcompany.com along with possiblesuppliers@someothercompanies.com

3
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Philae healthier... beams CHEESE: Proud ESA shows off FIRST COMET SURFACE PIC

Camilla Smythe

Re: You should have linked the hi-res

Hmm.. Thanks for the Hi-Res. Notice to the bottom right there appears to have been something similar to a surface melt that might have re-frozen.... and there appears to be a bit of string poking out of it that is also coated in whatever melted.

Soup Dragon indeed..

Blue String Pudding!!!

Comets are made of Blue String Pudding!!!!!1!!

They are the interplanetary equivalent of frozen home deliveries for Clangers.

Another great day as Science answers the mysteries of the Universe.

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Yoiks. I dragged that one into Gimp. Cropped to the relevant area and selected the 'colourise' tool, first time I have ever used it, and the default settings came up with this,

http://i.imgur.com/WTT78u0.png

Proof positive if it were needed.

1
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This 125mph train is fitted with LASERS. Sadly no sharks, though

Camilla Smythe

Wuh!!?

This 125mph train is fitted with LASERS.

http://i.imgur.com/IuVtfSV.png

Oh.. silly me. That's Zuck standing on the platform pointing to the 125mph train fitted with lasers, to his right. Not Zuck being a 125mph train or fitted with lasers...

Either that or he is not very good at Charades.

0
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Mystery Google barges TORPEDOED by US govt: Showrooms declared death traps

Camilla Smythe

Presumably

This was part of the whatever % free time the Chocolate Factory gives to its Choclateers in an effort to stuff Ferrero Rocher, who are responsible for Nutella but do not make Hershey Bars. Deep fried Mars Bars and where Pop Stars might put them, deep fried or otherwise... ERM.

I think you will find that Google has "Fuck You Money", "Stuff You Money", "Don't Care Money", "Not Bothered Money", "Loads'a Money", bosh bosh, and spare left over for the Lobbyists, Lawyers and Politicians.

Obviously all paid for by 'you'... AKA "All Your Money".

"I know what you're thinking: "Did he fire six shots or only five?" Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement, I've kinda lost track myself. But being this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, and would blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself one question: 'Do I feel lucky?' Well, do ya, punk?"

..and "Money Left Over", although the magazine will not be as questionably empty and self reloads by 'crossing the streams'.

Egon Spengler: There's something very important I forgot to tell you.

Venkman: What?

Spengler: Don't cross the streams.

Venkman: Why?

Spengler: It would be bad.

Venkman: I'm fuzzy on the whole good/bad thing. What do you mean, "bad"?

Spengler: Try to imagine all of your money getting sucked out of your wallet and used against you.

Stantz: Total wallet suckage with repercussions?.

Venkman: Right. That's bad. Okay. All right. Important safety tip. Thanks, Egon.

Stantz: Whoa! Does that include my Moths?

Venkman: Egon?

Spengler: And the wallet.

Stantz: What else?

Spengler: Everything.

Venkman: Who else knows about this Egon?

Spengler: Only me. I did a search on Google.

Stantz: Venkman: Oh Crap!!

0
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LOHAN test flight: Results in from Oz jury

Camilla Smythe

Re: Zeners

<bullshit mode on>

Point taken re EMI however it can be controlled/ameliorated. Just a matter of knowing what you are doing rather than, tongue in cheek, slapping things together on S-DEC and watching them blow up..

http://www.theregister.co.uk/2014/09/16/vulture_2_power_podule_servo_test/

http://www.castlecreations.com/products/ccbec.html

You will find that most avionics kit is stuffed full of SMPS and indeed El-Reg are using the above to buck things down from a higher input voltage by putting their batteries in series. Of course I do not know what Castle have Created but I might assume a bit of blue heat shrink and potting compound does not look like a solution to EMI.

One thing I do know is that a 'raw' buck converter hammers the input source with a square wave current draw unless you provide further input filtering...

http://regmedia.co.uk/2014/09/02/cc_bec_big.jpg

That will be the capacitor on the input side. Mr wet finger would probably conclude it is 'just enough' to get away with things.

which knobs on your loop compensation so you may as well put the batteries in parallel and use a boost converter with low input ripple current to generate the higher output voltage prior to bucking it down and independently redistributing it according to requirements.

<bullshit mode fully on>

Batteries are happier in parallel. Synchronous buck will return/recover power back to the input boost stage output which will/should take care of any load dump from the inductiveness of the servos... assuming that is a problem.

<missing closing tag>

<missing closing tag>

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Camilla Smythe
Boffin

Re: Zeners

"You may need to consider something a little more sophisticated..."

Amen.

Probably not enough time for the sub-space jockeys but it might be interesting from a general perspective to do something for the 'collective community' which might avoid the "Ooops bugger, let's put a 'battery eliminator' in there. Oooops bugger." mentality.

I might mention that the graphs as presented make no sense to me and otherwise power processing is *hard*.

I would be inclined to implement a parallel low voltage battery pack, with sufficient voltage on the ground, to start up a..

http://www.ti.com/lit/an/slua149/slua149.pdf

UCC3803

UCC1803 for MIL SPEC

and implement a boost converter which will be 'gentle' on the batteries in terms of ripple current and once started will keep itself supplied from the output via devious means even if the batteries drop below UVLO.

Having boosted up to a 'suitable' voltage, 24V?, with your, dirt slow control loop, boost converter into a storage capacitor you then use, monster fast control loop, generic multiple synchronous buck converters to deliver the power at the required voltages elsewhere.

The output capacitors, assuming you use the right ones, will sniff at the spikes and should your load decide to take a dump it will be returned back to the boost converters output capacitor and recycled elsewhere.

Just burbling.

1
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Google hopes to cure its 'flu sneezes

Camilla Smythe

Re: Planet Appears to have Wobbled Again

"Not even with honey..."

Maybe Google can ask someone to spend a bit of their spare 'Google Time' putting that one in the sachet for suitable reconstitution during the 'add boiled water' phase.

It was a silly thought.

"Hi, you might like to consider the problem of LemSip not including Honey for your next 'freetime project'"

"Brin! Yeah Brin! I'll Hadoop it Right Away. Might Need Some More Big Data."

In news elsewhere please visit an NHS, or related, website and note that Google *is* *on* **LarryPage** and has still not cured influenza.

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Camilla Smythe

Planet Appears to have Wobbled Again

Is this Google's Giggle to a, cold, Northern Hemisphere response or does Flu break out *all over* the World about this time of year and if it does why?

Apparently Google has *Big Data* but are incapable of doing much with it beyond advertising LemSip.

Oh... That will be it. Google also wants access to my medical records... to recommend Blackberry Flavour LemSip.

Fuck Off.

2
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ROGUE SAIL BOAT blocks SPACE STATION PODULE blastoff

Camilla Smythe

Hmm...

Does Elon Musk own a Yacht?

20
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AndroidScript returns to Google Play Store: Ad giant YIELDS TO THE MIGHT OF EL REG

Camilla Smythe
Thumb Up

Re: new names:

Have an up-vote for STEMscript. I would suggest great minds think alike but you might become extremely worried.

3
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ROBOT TROUSER SNAKE stiffens to master slippery mounds

Camilla Smythe

It strikes me..

Looking at the picture of the mechanical/robot snake that what is happening is the lower point of contact of the top bend is pushing the sand back to form a hump and support forward motion whilst the upper point of contact of the bottom bend is holding the sand forming that hump in place keeping it stable in excess of what would be 'close to the angle of maximum slope stability' to enable the overall solution to work at that angle. I might speculate that a sidewinder in motion can traverse a slope that is greater than one it might be able to remain stationary on.

0
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Apple's iPhone 6 can REVERSE BALDNESS (and cause it, too)

Camilla Smythe

Stiffness

I would hazard a guess that these baldies if not truly bald actually have very short hair around their ears or a very short hair cut overall. As a result the hair is stiff and able to penetrate any gap in order to get caught and pulled out. Of course this does not detract from the fact that the problem did not exist before and therefore it is a design fault by Apple and they should be lambasted for it. I believe Mr Jobs had a short haircut so this would not have happened if he was still about. Could be time for a new style rubber bumper that covers the gap.

1
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SHELLSHOCKED: Fortune 1000 outfits Bash out batches of patches

Camilla Smythe

Fortune 1000 overlords SHELLSHOCKED into Bash patch batch

Meh..? Obviously I am dumb but doesn't 'update manager', or some other bit of tut, moan at people to update bits such as this or is the article suggesting 'Fortune 1000 Overlords' ignore such advice until they crap a load of someone else's money over to crooks, themselves, and then pay themselves bigger bonuses?

2
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Spies, avert eyes! Tim Berners-Lee demands a UK digital bill of rights

Camilla Smythe

Meanwhile..

On another Planet, in another Sol type system in another Galaxy far far far away.

"Five minutes of data collected."

"Run the predictor."

"Already have."

"And?"

"Intelligence but perverted again."

"Chances of recovery?"

"Insignificant within their time scale."

"Chances of recovery with intervention?"

"Insignificant."

"Sigh. Move on to the next target."

4
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US team claims PARIS paper plane launch crown

Camilla Smythe

Re: /me

Hmm.. something like a B52 launching an X15... but sort of in reverse? Sling the paper plane under rocket powered one and cut it free when the rocket powered one has finished its launch/boost phase to maximum altitude.

1
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iPhone 6: The final straw for Android makers eaten alive by the data parasite?

Camilla Smythe
Coat

Fucking PhoneTard Wars

Mine will be the one that connects via the 'land line' and has its ring switched off.

0
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Edge Research Lab to tackle chilly LOHAN's final test flight

Camilla Smythe

Re: Stuff a couple o' these in there

Apparently beer works whereas coffee does not.

2
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Camilla Smythe

Re: Mumble

Please do let me know how it goes with more coffee.

If it still does not make sense after more coffee then I assume we can conclude that more coffee is not the solution to the sense you were seeking in the first place.

Or perhaps my logic is flawed.

1
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Camilla Smythe

Mumble

http://www.energizer.com/batteries/performance-lithium/ultimate-lithium/Pages/aa.aspx

http://www.google.com/search?q=-40%C2%B0F

IIRC El Reg published an article about someone discussing -40F as being -40C and having to check themselves.

Have Energizer got a dirtydatashitsheet that details performance down at that temperature and 10 degrees below?

IIRC Arrhenius, may not apply, says 10 degrees halves performance.

Or.... Will Energizer get involved and help out with a solution, and perhaps a bit of cash, cough cough?

http://www.energizer.com/batteries/performance-lithium/ultimate-lithium/Pages/ultimate-lithium-partners.aspx

Hmm, no mention of the Rabbit Dildo.

Errr... Elsewhere it would seem you have a battery pack on the main launch platform to keep the rocket motor toasty. Floating a misshaped turd and going bang for buck/weight is there not some chymical method of keeping the internals warm?

Mumble. I believe it is some sort of two part goo that gets hot when you mix it. Not sure about how long it lasts.

Don't forget 'conformal coating'.

Blah Blah Blah.

0
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Leak of '5 MEELLLION Gmail passwords' creates security flap

Camilla Smythe

Re: Not my GMail password

Silly as it may seem, and I am not known to be particularly intelligent, I would assume that Google does not 'know' the passwords... salted cashews and such stuff. If they did download the file then in order to check for compromised accounts they would have to use the information to see if they could log in to the accounts and that might put them on the wrong side of the law. Of course assuming these are accounts that Google regularly sniffs the data from to spaff adverts at people then things possibly become even sillier. Anyway, as suggested, they might find themselves charged with doing something nefarious. Errr, pass the paracetamol.

3
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Forget silly privacy worries - help biometrics firms make MILLIONS

Camilla Smythe

Re: Will any of us still be alive in the year 2313?

Bit of a typo. The author obviously meant 2112.

"What can this strange device be?

When I touch it I get adverts for stuff I bought yesterday...."

ETC

7
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China: You, Microsoft. Office-Windows 'compatibility'. You have 20 days to explain

Camilla Smythe

Interesting..

Anyone for Phorm?

http://biggercapital.squarespace.com/biggercapital-investment/2014/8/22/phorm-investment-thesis.html

Like 'Sure, Right.'

The Chinese are going to let Phorm install DPI kit with Phorm Written and Maintained Software in their networks in order to intercept communications.

Damn these genetically modified orange, purple and pink striped flying elephants. I will have to get my XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXL large butterfly net out again.

1
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What do you mean, I have to POST a PHYSICAL CHEQUE to get my gun licence?

Camilla Smythe

Oooh Goody..

Presumably the new site will be implemented with HTTPS and include Google Analytics along with a plethora of other trackers including but not exclusive FaceAche, Twatter and Gibber + buttons.. Plus people will get the opportunity to pay via EBAY PayPal and comment on the service via Disqus. Thus gifting all data about Fire Arm owners in the UK to the US Whilst improving your Fire Arm Browsing experience. Complaints will be ignored until you moan on Twatter and then any issues raised will be ignored. The associated site will not be targeted for SQL injection or other attacks by 'subversives' in search of easily liftable weaponry and munitions and when 'the database' gets powned the ICO will descend on them like flies on shit because it means they can look good by fining The Taxpayer.. again..

9
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Britain's housing crisis: What are we going to do about it?

Camilla Smythe

Solution

"The LA said that actually, as it was now part of the park and had no planning, it was only worth £50k. That £1.4m was the value of the chitty that enabled housing to be built on that sliver of land."

1) Take off and nuke London from Orbit.

2) Everyone left over apart from those involved in the 'collateral carnage' watches Emmerdale Instead.

3) Re-instate Chitty[s].

4) Profit.

8
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Siri: Helpful personal assistant or SERIAL APP KILLER?

Camilla Smythe
Gimp

Tell me I'm wrong

You are wrong.

I recently switched off my 'defences' in order to 'experiment' elsewhere and was 'targeted', presumably for advertising.

Within an instant all my searches turned to someone else's incorrect guesses as to what I might be looking for.

WHAT THE FUCKING SHIT ARE YOU FUCKING BLITHERING ON ABOUT!!!1!!!

Normal service was resumed having switched my defences back on with a clean browser restart.

0
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End of buttons? Apple looks to patent animating iPhone sidewalls

Camilla Smythe

Fuck Off!!

"The *documents* submitted by the company to the US Patent and Trademark Office (USPTO) describe a device which uses a flexible screen capable of being bent around the corners of the casing."

http://appft.uspto.gov/netacgi/nph-Parser?Sect1=PTO2&Sect2=HITOFF&p=1&u=%2Fnetahtml%2FPTO%2Fsearch-bool.html&r=1&f=G&l=50&co1=AND&d=PG01&s1=20140240289&OS=20140240289&RS=20140240289

I mean.. there might be some 'sensible' Americans about on Reg but Apple and the American Patent System goes beyond the pale.

Patents are not a pre-emptive guess or 'what if wet' dream based on what you think others might be working on and possibly vaguely realising or stuff that is already known. It should be 'provable and likely to be deliverable tech' by yourselves.

United States Patent Application 20140078240290

"We envisage a nuclear fusion machine for an initial trip to Alpha Centauri based on guesses about what everyone else is doing extrapolated to their possible success in order to sue them in a USofA court some time in the future because we did fuck all but they stole our dreams off of us.

Our invention will now be described with reference to Figure 1)

Figure 1) demonstrates a nuclear fusion machine with curved corners, in this case provisioned as a propulsion device for an initial trip to Alpha Centauri. a), haptics b), oled displays and c).1-4), leds are curved around the corners. We will work out how to do that shit once someone else implements it.

Figure 2) demonstrates some other made up bollocks we dreamed up and will rely on someone else implementing it first because it seems possible they might do so and then we can rape them in a US court.

Figure 3) demonstrates some other made up bollocks we dreamed up and will rely on someone else implementing it first because it seems possible they might do so and then we can rape them in a US court.

Figure 4) demonstrates some other made up bollocks we dreamed up and will rely on someone else implementing it first because it seems possible they might do so and then we can rape them in a US court.

-

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Figure n) demonstrates some other made up bollocks we dreamed up and will rely on someone else implementing it first because it seems possible they might do so and then we can rape them in a US court.

As will be apparent to 'those skilled in the art' your arse is now ours in respect of Nuclear Fusion Machines for an initial trip to Alpha Centauri and Kettles including other Nuclear Fusion stuff plus all other tech or normal daily stuff already in existence or you may be thinking about improving and anything else.

All Prior Art, and everything else prior and in the future, is ours.. Sucks to be you"

Meanwhile 'American Chopper' is having a Barney over how to bend Ghost Riders latest set of 'down pipes'..

"No Seriously Man. You have to let me weld them from square steel sections with square corners."

"No Shit! Why have I got these pipe benders!?

"Sir, you really need to trust me on this one."

"Get out of here. You Are Fired."

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"Hello.. Is my Motorcycle finished?"

"Just fitting the last piece Mr Ghost Rider."

"Hello.. You have been served."

"What The Fuck! is this Mr Suit?"

"I would advise you take legal advice in respect of my client's previous claim of all things curved. This Motorcycle is now Impounded."

"It's my Motorcycle!"

"Perhaps you should take legal advice as well Sir."

"It's my Motorcycle. Bought and paid for. Look into my eyes."

-

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"Oh My God! You just Killed Ghost Rider!!1!!"

3
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LOHAN wrapped in vinyl as Kickstarter campaign hits £18,000!

Camilla Smythe

Uhm..

"Handily for us and *Virgin Galactic*, Spaceport America in New Mexico has the permissions for rocket operations, so we're packing up the Vulture 2 and heading west."

Might not the bearded one punt a few coppers in your direction or free flights and transport of equipment?

4
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Our LOHAN spaceplane ballocket Kickstarter climbs through £8000

Camilla Smythe

Dangerous..

I'm surprised the Cuerpo Nacional de Policía did not wander up and say '"'ello, 'ello, 'ello" and drag your Begging Boffin off to the cells for vagrancy and a quiet rubber truncheoning.

1
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LOHAN gets laughing gear round promotional mug

Camilla Smythe

Re: Looking good

@Ralph B

Assuming Mr Haines has been used as the template to 're-circle the circle' you should be good to go, I humbly apologise.

In respect of an implied, my interpretation, suggestion elsewhere regarding pregnant ladies although that might have been my own illusion, presumably the logo will be subject to relocation and re-cicularisation in order to cover the nascent ballocketnauts bump.

Of course given women come with two jubs, and I realise blokes have two as well but err... There is the opportunity to include both EU and USA logos in the appropriate positions with the required re-circulisation, and three to accommodate pregnant ladies.

Of course given the introduction of ladies to the equation of Lohan Haute Couture a restriction to Small, Medium, Fat Bastard and Extra Fat Bastard might introduce unsolvable mathematical equations to the impossible solution.

Extra Research via online lingerie catalogues might be required.

I am surprised I have, as yet, made no spellling mistakes. Oh silly me, spurl checker not switched on. I shall now write a stiff letter to the OED to get them to sort their act out.

2
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Uber and Lyft sitting in a tree, 'c-a-n-c-e-l-l-i-n-g each other's rides'

Camilla Smythe

Buggered By Boris

I might have thought it was his problem to sort this out with more bikes. Is this why he is attempting to abdicate to Parliament?

Still I suppose having zombie cab drivers in London is not much of a problem given they will only be transporting London Zombies.

I now see the reasoning behind 'Perimter M25'.

0
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Dolby Atmos is coming home and it sounds amazing

Camilla Smythe

Welcome to the Matmos

Jane will come for you in full 3D sound via the orgasmotron. People with artex ceilings need not apply.

For sale via e-bay. Nascent Alien. Life insurance not included. No returns. Starting bid 99p, no reserve. Free local collection. Carefully packaged in dog.

Server not found 512K error.

4
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Adam Afriyie MP: Smart meters are NOT so smart

Camilla Smythe

A mistake had been made at a subsidiary of MiniPlenty

MiniPower had elected to install the wrong sort of metering devices and could no longer 'load balance' matters. This of course in 'real terms' as applied to others would not matter. The concern, if there would have been one in one respect, is that people might notice having their usage of power rescheduled at such a large scale. People 'expected' their, luke warm, Victory Coffee at certain times during the day, give or take. Of course the later arrival of left shoes in respect of ordering the right assuming either arrived in the first place was not of much concern. This time shoe delivery would be suspended for all. Even the TeleScreens stopped working. More importantly The Ministries, without power, ceased to function.

"Winston."

Winston turned to see a man he did not recognise. Short, large head with a Vapid Smile dressed in a manner that suggested someone from a higher party echelon.

"Yes?"

"We have a special job for you."

"Nothing seems to be working at the moment Sir."

"Yes, we know but you are highly recommended so we can work around that and get you up and running on this station."

The Vapid Smile handed over a large envelope.

"We need it in about an hour Winston. People need to know the truth here. I know we can trust you."

He paused and placed a box on Winstons desk then left.

Winston opened the envelope. A history of someone called Adam Afriyie. Someone who needed to become an unperson.

Winston looked at the box. It was wrapped in cellophane, black and proudly announced JSP 10 in Gold lettering.

Winston set to work under the failing emergency lighting. Within the prescibed hour he was finished and then the lights failed. He fell asleep and was woken again three hours later.

"Report Citizen!"

Startled but looking left and right all the other stations were in darkness. He spoke into the microphone to deliver his report of 'the truth'. Adam Afriyie, and others, became unpersons.

He looked at the JSP box.

"Want one?"

"Are they real Sir?"

"Yes, but you do not really want one... not after... Look, I've got a torch with some batteries in it. Let's get you out of the building so you can walk yourself home. Apparently there is smoglight outside.

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Fridge hacked. Car hacked. Next up, your LIGHT BULBS

Camilla Smythe

How many...

mumble mumble mumble does it take to hack a light bulb?

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