22 posts • joined Friday 6th February 2009 14:44 GMT
What's in a name??
What the article fails to address is that only last week, in order to boost their dwindling circulation the management of The Beaver held a 'blue sky' think session in a bid to boost profitability by creating a name that best portrayed the image of the organisation as well as appealing to a wider reader base. After discounting all 'beaver' orientated titles, such as 'The Splt Beaver', the group eventually came up with a title which has resulted in a surge in readership.....'THE MONTHLY QUIM'.
Should have gone for the water melon
Apparently and not I hasten to add through experience, a hollowed out water melon has often been favoured over steel pipe. You see steel pipe, especially pipe that has been cut is liable to contain swarf, which as any shagger of engineering and construction components will tell you can result in terrible splinters, which, unless stainless steel can become infected very quickly. A water melon on the other hand, notwithstanding the significant risk of seeds becoming lodged in your John Thomas has the added bonus of giving the shagger the ability of inviting his friends to join in...at the same time merely by creating another passage and 'diving on in'.
This mutual approach to the shagging of inanimate objects also has the benefits of making A&E related stories all the more plausible, in that if three guys arrive in the waiting room and stick to the same story.........'we were practicing our new dance routine when suddenly we were set upon by a nympho melon' the staff are bound to believe it. Have any more readers got any similar views.......I heard that a pound of sausage, when brought up to room temperature has often been used at parties.......not that I have had experience of such things!!
The missing link
Apparently, and acording to reliable sources the story doesn't end there. Apparently during the journey to the hospital, the ambulance drove over a large pot hole in the road resulting in the dismembered member leaving the hand of the paramedic, flying out of he ambulance window and hitting the windscreen of the car behind. The driver, shocked at seeing this, turned to his passenger and shouted: 'GOD DID YOU SEE THE SZE OF THE COCK ON THAT FLY!?'.......ARP ARP
It did me no harm!
What's the problem?
I underwent surgery to look like Michael Jackson, I'm playing the O2 arena for 27 nights in a row later this year!.......this is it....it really is it.....no, no you don't understand....this is it!
It was nothing!
This is typical from a society that has a 'downer' on the vacuum loving populis. Obviously the hoover can't talk, if it could I'm sure that it could confirm that it is of the correct age and consented to the act and if it weren't for its incarceration would have probably taken itself around the back to 'do the deed'.
Although I'm not into stuffing my dyson I do have a very good hoover friend by the name of Henry. He has been in a loving and stable relationship with his partner Dirk for over 4 years and have been lobbying glasgow City Council to recognise that they should be allowed a civil ceremony to cement their love for each other. Glasgow predictably decliened even to respond not only in terms of the ceremony, but social services refused the unhappy couple the right to adopt children........disgusting. Undetered by this vacuphobic victimisation Henry and Dirk have anounced their plans to stage this year's suction pride parade on Clapham Common, where flat, upright, industrial and domestic hoovers can get together with their human partners and celebrate their very existence......... Whoever decided to paint faces on the front of vacuum cleaners has a lot to answer for!
Its full of mystical energy
A anyoneinitiated to The Ancient Order of Baton Le Beuf will tell you the phallus is in complete allignment with a significant lay line which on the eve of the oncoming Age Of Aquarias it will/should, if my notes are correct ejaculate to the nearest church spire..........The truth is out there?
Reminds me of the time when I was involved in a sudo sado massacistic scenario involving sticky tape, post it notes and one of those dispsable dust masks which, as any beard toting woman will tell you never quite eliminate the risk of asbestos exposure!
Its not just bovines!
Anyone who's been into Barnsley's famous 'trotters a-go-go' will note the random configurations displayed by the cows on the dance floor. I'm not usually prone to masogonistic diatribe, however if you have been there you will understand my sentiment
Stealth and Safety!
What's the difference between a lawyer and a plaice?
One's a scum sucking bottom dweller, the other one's a fish!
You have to watch this health and safety, it creeps up on you. As a health and safety consultant I have undertaken a risk assessment on behalf of London Underground.
1. Hazards - Noise, people (some of them cokernies) Trains, electric, those little black mice that entertain the folks waiting for delayed trains.......erm chance of getting a boner while crushed up against a blonde nimphette dressed in a red leather toga during rush hour
2. Risk - A lawyer/solicitor spotting any of the above - or a stealth and safety anorak spotting one of the above and passing this information to the aforementioned.
3. Persons at risk - who gives a shit about anybody else anyway? - no fucker on the tube!
4. Risk Factor - Off the dial
5. Controls to adopt. in order to avoid having anything to do with lawyers et all Take a bike.....oh no traffic/falling off...........bus.....no the muslims might blow it up.......walk.......muggers........astral plane.......now you are just being stupid.........Oh bollocks to this I'm moving to Shropshire!!!!
An issue missing from the article is The welsh assembly Government's(WAG) insistance on bees being bilingual. It is well documented that bees from different areas have specific dialects according to their region of residence.
Welsh hives, in accordance with a WAG directive ensure that the education of all pupae and young drones is delivered through the medium of Welsh thereby ensuring the continuity of the language. Furthermore worker bees are expected to erect billingual signs on discovery of a rich seam of pollen to assist their workmates.
A recent job vacancy posted on WAG's website read 'Wanted - mime artist to entertain the llandewi brefi bee swarm. The ability to speak Welsh is essential for this post' (nuff said)
No big deal?
A friend recently had his name changed by deed-pole having had to suffer the humiliation for 38 years of being called John Shit. He complianed for years how the name was the subject of ridicule all through his school/college days and how he has struggled to get anybody to take him seriously.
He can now put his problems behind him having changed his name to.....Alexandros Shit!
take a leaf out of the professor's book
The need for penis extension has taken an altogether different 'slant' following research undertaken by eminant scientist at the University of Accrington. The breakthrough came during a DIY (not in the way that you think) session at the home of Proffessor Arnold Eckinthwaite. While applying some renovating plaster to the window reveal in his conservatory, his wife Ting Lee Foo-Eckinthwaite accidentaly slipped with a tray of black pudding tempura becoming impailed over the professor's plastering hawk. Had the plaster not been so well set the breakthrough may not have happened, however the entire contents of the board was deposited in the lining of Lee Fook's 'front bottom', reducing the internal circumference by 25% and the overall length of the 'furry love tube' by a wopping 20 cms.
Now I know you are going to say....oh no another woman hater saying that if a woman can't be satisfied she should by a street bollard....no on the contrary.
The couple toiled in vain to remove all of the plaster, which was 'super cured' as a result of contact with body fluids and thought that on the whole (no pun intended) they had suceeded. However, it wasn't until the next session of nookie, when the professor's manhood became trapped in the drastically reduced circumference that the discovery was made.
In order to free himself 'the prof' had to tie (using chemical anchors) the bed to the masonry wall of the bedroom, Lee Fook to the bed head and with the aid of crampons march backwards using a handy anvil as ballast. Finally after about 30 metres the profs manhood freed itself, severely grazing the prof's chin and spraying plaster based shrapnel through windows and into a nearby stable.
The prof's 'mutton dagger', after the initial swelling had diminished had reched an impressive 15 metres in length, but a dissapointing 5mm in girth. But the prof, forever the optimist stated 'This discovery could benefit the whole of human-kind not only in termsof penis length, but in cost savings in the purchase of luxury items such as SWING BALL.
BNP & Poles
as an ardent monitor of the BNP activities I can also disclose that, on more than one occassion I have witnessed (all be it covertly, disguised as a bull dog) senior BNP members attending Polish oriented entertainment in the form of POLE DANCING.
Aparrently, during a recent visit to his favourite 'watering hole' the aptly named Vladimir & Firkin a senior BNP official noted a tatoo on the inner thigh of his favourite dancer - Natasha Koplenskinoff. The tatoo read 'slippery ven vet', which as any fluent Polish speaker will tell you roughly translates into; God bless the motherland, Warsaw general hospital and the Polish deli on Oldham out-door market.
When challenged the official stated 'its not that we are against Polish people persay it's just that, well....you know - hey look at that really interesting thing over there!'
i can only thank you for re-uniting me with my Spaniel 'Flopsy' who I lost recently at the M74 services in Hamilton. It was pure fluke that my son spotted the spaniels nose protruding out of the lady's top, who, incidently it turned out to be a distant relative of Cloella Deville the notorious dalmation executioner. The good news is that Flopsy is now home and once we have weaned him off milk should make a full recovery.
Thanks once again!
I hear that the old 'trumpet' is now so cheap that the more 'switch on' members of the Welsh Philarmonic have now actually started to use 'hooter' for cleaning the valves on....you guessed it - their trumpets! This has however caused some problems during performances which all stems from what has become affectionately known as 'trumpet blow back', which occurs quite frequently on most brass instruments. Basically musicians, on occassion suck instead of blow, which deposits (over the course of a performance) a micro thin layer of 'jazz dust' on the mucous membrane of the victim, causing problems with timing, sweating and irritability. Recently during a performance of 'Dylan Thomas - man, legend, crap poet' perfomed in the Llandewi Brefi Village Hall, a fight broke out between the lead cornet player and the second baritone, when, due to the impact of 'gac inhalation' the cornet player started playing that famous U-Roy classic 'Me Woman aint got no rizlas' in the middle of the national anthem.
Has anybody else got some 'chortle - worthy' anecdotes?
Yellow - oh we are are we?
Let's not pussy foot around the issue, it's because of the septics (and their kind) that i have to:
(1) Stand outside the pub for a fag while the womens institute play volley ball in the pub cresh.
(2) Listen to my kids end their sentences an octave above when they started speaking.
(3) Be concerned with the Pitt, Jolie, Aniston love triangle.
(4) Not be concerned that American football is just an excuse for grown men to dress up as tampons.
(5) Be impressed when a wrangler wearing in-bred lasoos a 6 month old calf with a broken leg, while onlookers cry at the site of a parachutist entering the rodeo arena while playing 'the star spangled banner on a nose flute.
If you are so hard, Mr. Yankee Doodle Dandy, get over here with your mates for a proper rumble (thats another thing the 'let's get ready to rumble' debarcle before a boxing match........Remeber the Lewis, Tison fight?) Incidentaly, if you would be so kind as to leave that very large weapon at home and read up on the Queensbury Rules on the flight over..........that's of course if there are any flights coming out of America as they tend to be grounded if a wasp enters the departure lounge!..........Oh yes - 9-11, don't you mean 11 -09 or are you too soft to even put your day before your month?
If you are after my contact details they are - Carol Thatcher, BBC House, London, Blighty
Garden of Eden
I was dumbfounded to see my back garden featured in Lester Hanes's article. For your information El Presidente and Paris were invited guests, unlike the Jehovas who constantly trespass, bothering my pet grizzly and flogging 'knocked off'' apples, more often than not dressed in national costume. Now don't get me wrong, I like being disturbed while in the bath like 'the next man', its just they bring their lions into my garden and to be blunt the lion excrement is frightening away the squirrels. (my wife encourages the squirrels due to some strange obsession with gypsy inspired violin music?) Does anybody know of any sprays (that can be bought in industrial quantities) which may help me, if not eradicate, control what is becoming an epidemic in my garden. Obviously I need to stay within Eurpoean Legislation, so napalm or agent orange may be off the menu .
Incidentely, could anybody confirm whether there is any truth in the rumour that Jehovas are responsible for bovine TB? (and where I could get some information on culling)
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