Posts by Jemma

Re: Hazard creation

No, no you're not..

You could say he was hoist on his own peturd..

Re: One evening about ten year ago...

I hope that's plastic cutlery there, metal is usually above their pay grade...

Re: Fiat 500

Where do I start.

They eat brake pads, discs, and lines as if they're finest caviar.

The interior is extremely unsafe if you are basically over 5ft - I really want to have both knees amputated in a crash.. Not to mention if you are in the back in an accident you are basically a corpse if it burns. Which means the kiddies in the back will be the equivalent of a hog roast before the emergency services have found their keys. And my 4 door Wolseley is, and I quote, "dangerous". I'd like to introduce you to a fantastic new feature - we at BMC call them back doors.

The engines are fairly flaky, especially the MultiAirLeaks (from head and intake gaskets). You can guarantee that the owners have not the slightest clue about oils so just pick up 20w50 and go with it (which to paraphrase Robin Williams is "great when you're in a landcrab, but not so great when you've got VVTi") or (and my neighbour actually killed one doing this) top it up to the valve gear.

Amazingly for a FIAT however, they don't appear to rust.

They ride like a Bedford truck circa 1938 and the convertible is apparently worse..

But what makes me want to commit violent murder every time I see one is the turdulicious pastiche of a real classic burbling around the place with an owner who thinks they're the bees bollocks because they bought (or even worse, deliberately leased) the automotive equivalent of an iPhone that's just been run over by an M1 Abrams.

And THEN they turn up their nose at a proper classic, even the original 500 for being old fashioned (did you actually *look* at your car) and polluting! - or play the "Let's test the Wolseley brakes" game by pulling out 2 feet in front of me on a 50mph road. God alone knows what would happen if I hit one at speed in the 'crab, it'd probably go straight through.

But worst of all, even than the Italian kretinwagen, is the Mini. You know the one - the tribute that's bigger than my Wolseley and bigger than an SWB landrover. It's like a 30st tranny truck driver doing a cover version of Dolores O'Riorden in a PVC sheath dress and fuck-me-heels (I've actually experienced this, don't ask, but the counselling is going well). Poor Alec Issigonis must be spinning in his grave fast enough to light the whole of the Midlands..

It's not optional at all, it should be written into the manuals as a general principle with the fireman's equivalent of the Blue Max awarded once you've destroyed 20.

Mini Clubfoots and C*ntryman score double points.

The Fiat 500 triple - 4 points if you manage to improve the gene pool at the same time.

The cretin who ok'd the new 500 for production should have been indicted for cruel and unusual punishment under Human Rights.

Funny, that's never what my ex girlfriend used them for..

Re: I read that as:

Depends if he realises that the mike is still on... British politicians and generals have quite the record for diving in with both feet when they think something is in private.

Then you have people like Enoch "I'm really lucky Sam Vimes isn't real" Powell - a walking argument for violent revolution.

Re: Wasn't the Ottoman empire allied with Germany in WWI?

And while we're on the subject. If the cretins at the admiralty had followed Churchills plans as written - not let the Frogs get involved it wouldn't have been an almighty balls up. It was the French who forced the straits before the landings and therefore gave the Germans and the Turks a heads up as to what was going to happen.

At which point every tube* and machine gun within 150 miles and every Turk, German and anyone else who fancied a punt at the British and French et al were sitting there waiting and gave the allies a right royal pasting.

If there had been one attack only it's likely to have succeeded - and guess who it was who diverted all the blame to Churchill - the very French twerp who'd forced the straits prematurely.

* Artillerymans slang for an artillery gun.

Re: Naming things

could always informally nickname it "the Y Shaped Coffin" after mademoiselle "if it moves" Markle.

They're trying to link her to Jack the Ripper (Holmes) - actually a chap named Frederick Bailey Deeming. Ironic really given the two of them.

Re: Wasn't the Ottoman empire allied with Germany in WWI?

No, at least they weren't until the RN nicked said superdreadnought, that had been paid for by public donations in the Ottoman Empire and was a pretty useful piece of kit by all accounts.. naming her HMS Erin.

That and the Germans turning up in the Dardanelles and turning over two cruisers to the Turks kinda put the boot into Anglo-Turkic diplomacy. The Goeben lasted as an operational capital ship from 1912 until 20 December 1950 and survived until 1973.

Kind of reminds me of a certain scene in Indiana Jones.. to paraphrase..

"10 11in guns, 2 Parsons Turbines, and a top speed of 25kts - and we even like the colour..."

Up until the Erin debacle the Turks had been British allies.

Re: Dear France

Not really, because at the time Normandy was not part of France, it had been ceded to the Normans due to the habit of the French running away (hence the old joke about the French Crossbow - never fired, dropped once). It didn't become so until much later. Even then if I remember it right it had and still had until recently an unusual level of autonomy.

First rule of the Eskimos

"We can always beat the French"

The situation was nasty - involving hpv and familial abuse and that was by no means the worst of it. My rule of thumb is if you've a body part and it can get cancer - you are NEVER too young to get cancer in it. That's the excuse they gave her - you can't have cancer you're too young.

If your girls are offered the vaccine I'd suggest they take it. Personally I'd make it mandatory. It took my partner almost a decade to die, some of it stuck in a hospital bed to the point if I showed her pictures of my parents garden or just pictures around the area she'd be in floods of tears.

Unexplained weight loss, tiredness, back pain, bloating or fainting are signs and if doctors dismiss you get a second, third, fourth opinion..

In teens you have very very little time to act because the sky high hormone levels overdrive the tumour - so what might take 10-15 years in an adult woman takes 10-15 months in a teenage girl.

I've had another idea for said commentard involving testicles - pinky mice and my friendly but always hungry Western Hognose snakes. They're generally adorable little snakes that pretend to be rattlesnakes - but don't get between them and food, they're aggressive feeders and they chew a venom into the food which causes swelling in humans... Cue testicles that could have been used at Trafalgar in the 6 pounders (about apple sized) and (from my experience of finger and hand bites) swell up to the hardness of wood... Not that I'm vicious or anything...

I'm not going to comment on this any more because it's starting to stress me. But just be aware that the symptoms of cancer in teenagers can be diffuse and difficult to pin down, and the No Hope Service are not necessarily your friend in this situation.

Re: So manslaughter is OK

Technically... Possibly.

The important part is "were going to anyway".

If it was a situation where the cancer had already staged and spread *and would have been in that condition* when the screening session was missed then probably it would be impossible to prove that a detection at a late stage and treatment would have resulted in a cure... Therefore you really couldn't argue manslaughter, at best medical negligence.

However. If the cancer would have been detected before staging or very early I or II (for example in a very aggressive cancer like my partners (although that was also to do with her age)) and there is a reasonable chance that a cure could have been effected if it had been caught in time then manslaughter *could* be argued since, as I understand it, manslaughter means you either accidentally caused or *contributed to* by material actions or in this case inaction the death of the individual concerned - although whether it'd succeed is another matter.

The problem is that it would be what lawyers call a "technically interesting" case which to quote the great Sam Vimes (I believe) is lawyerese for "$600 a day plus overtime, and it'll take months".

Re: The real question is...

Thanks Richard,

I still really haven't recovered from what happened to her, still so very angry about how badly she was mistreated and abused, and the waste of it all. 10 years this September. I wouldn't trust the NHS as far as Prof. Hawking could throw them.

I hope your wife recovers well, there are some herbal preparations that can help with nausea but you need to check them with the consultant - a good one for bruising is Arnica which is readily available (reduces bruising in general and after surgery). I think she's very lucky to have found a good consultant who's inclined to do a proper job..

Ironically I got told for nine MONTHS I didn't have cancer, paid privately, and the dermatologist took less than 3 minutes to refer me to surgery. I've had abuse from my GP surgery for having the affrontery to get a second opinion and to be in charge of my own medication (for what would probably be called a co-morbidity (certainly would be if I went to Saudi)) to the point I changed surgeries and then after the second BCC showed up they cut it out and promptly lost the biopsy accidenteliberately.

Certain people are about to find they're in the process of being sued.

To top it all off I get told categorically, by an experienced GP, that BC Carcinoma CANNOT spread - 3 minutes on Google states a 1% metastatic rate - favourites being lung and brain... That GP has at least 25 years experience..

Re: The real question is...

I, Misogynist(ic wanker)

Try and understand this concept - false positives just cause worry and stress.

false negatives cause dead teens and women - including my ex partner who was effectively given a death sentence at 14 because the NHS flat out refused to test her for the cancer she actually had.

BUT THERE IS NO FSCKING WAY you can spin this criminally negligent incompetence as any form of positive outcome.

Even had I not lost a partner to cancer and had my own run in with it (a lot less serious thankfully) I'd happily beat your skull in with a claw hammer just for having the gall to write that comment.

You should be so very happy I'm not responsible for your upcoming prostate exam because it'd involve sandpaper and a dab of jalapeño, and that'd be the fun part of the experience!

Re: Got my first 2 dating matches this morning

I didn't know he was Scottish...

Re: Fuckety bye...

I remember him, wasn't he The Man Who Went Up An Alley and Came Down a Hooker - or am I thinking about someone else?

I never saw the attraction myself - he started off looking like an anorexic bloodhound and now he looks like a bloodhound that was an unlucky extra on 28 days later. Some people improve with age, some just age. There was never much to be going on with.

Re: You must have missed the shadow home secretary then

You might have heard of the "Daystrom Effect"? An extremely talented young person who turns into a dribbling imbecile after too long achieving absolutely nothing. Sound familiar?

Named for a certain Richard "I'm not nuts!" Daystrom and collaborator and co-dribbling nut job, the M-5 Multitronic Unit.

... And send my regards to Prime Minister Dunsel...

But this can't happen soon enough.

Theresa May: "I'm the Prime Minister..."

Dalek (bored): "Yes, we know..."

Re: Either a liar or incompent

To quote pTerry..

"Fate is not always careful where she sticks her finger..."

They'd still be machine gunning single mums if they could actually find any married ones.

Re: "In the world of technology policy, Rudd will be remembered"

Cock flavoured lollipop...

Thanks - now I have images, really bad images, that need counselling. Involving politicians down the ages.. Widdecombe, Heath, Abbott.

Good ole Gove blowing the Horn of Gondor...

That doesn't need brain bleach - it needs molecular acid - in Carboys.

Re: Rudd: You've been played

It's lucky no one's found a Ted Heath memoir ala Flashman..

Working title would be: I, Kiddiefiddler.

Try selling *that* to Penguin Classics.

Odd that the bloke who put us into the EU (for which we are forever grateful) has suddenly been whitewashed (or something white at least) from history..

Or possibly not.

If there is a hell he's probably famous down there - f*cked kids *and* an entire country and got away with both. Just think - if the police had arrested him in 81 we wouldn't have had The Permed Avenger & Underpants Boy - so probably no Bliar.. No Brown, Cameron and May.. The UK would be a very different place. Especially Rochdale.

Re: Rudd

And to ride the analogy until it falls apart we've even got a "still not king" guy (Aragorn) - although for some reason he goes by Charles these days..

Lotr secret diaries - very worth a visit.

Incidentally I can't say as I'd pick Louis Arthur Charles as auspicious names for royal spawn.

Louis : Louis "da boom" Mountbatten

Louis "the decapitated" (French revolution)

Louis the Fat

Arthur Arthur (the dead and probably imaginary) Pendragon

Arthur (the dead cos I went swimming in an open sewer (the Thames) Tudor

Charles: Charles I Stuart (decapitated)

Charles II Stuart (mercury poisoning - possible syphilis)

Charles III Stuart (drank himself to death, another still not king guy)

Charles the fat/bald/simple (holy Roman emperors)

Charles V Habsburg "the inbred" (see above)

And finally our own Charles the Irrelevant.

Not exactly auspicious stars for that collection of names.

Re: Rudd

The horrible image that brings up is who or what is his "precious". I wouldn't bend over too often Theresa if I were you..

"One Ringpiece to bring them all,

And in the darkness bind them"

Still even that's better than Gove doing the "pervy hobbit fancier" thing, although Sam'll kill him if he tries anything..

Re: Would love to see the look...

The sad thing is the Maxi you drove might well have been in fine form, the gearboxes were "all like that sir". They had a remote cable change (which is still pretty dismal in my Accent) but in those it could have been classified as cruel and unusual punishment. I can double decluch but the trick I use on the 1/2 gate is to flick into neutral - which makes it smoother (ie it'll find 2nd) - and my cars fitted with the later rod change box.

But if you want terrifying you can still get a supercharger kit for the Landcrab 1800 engine (it's basically the MGB motor) that'll give you at least 120hp.. 50% over stock..

Apparently there's only 8 '71 18/85 cars on the road.

If you haven't found it already, have a look at www.aronline.co.uk. I think they've a new article on the Special Products Maxi - kinda what you'd get if the BMW M-series engineers got let loose on a Maxi..