Feeds

* Posts by John Colman

38 posts • joined 26 Nov 2008

OWN GOAL! 100s of websites blocked after UK Premier League drops ball

John Colman
Trollface

To be fair, if you're in a pub in Woking, you've probably earned it

7
0

Irish gov refuses to haul Google, Apple into MPs' tax inquiry

John Colman

I wonder...

Is a Double Irish Dutch sandwich available from Starbucks?

7
0

Hey fanboi, is that an EXPLODING BATTERY in your MacBook Pro?

John Colman
Black Helicopters

Re: Not MacBook Pros, not Apple batteries.

I believe that this is a conspiracy by the Obama administration who are causing he batteries to burst thus ruining a perfectly good Chinese company while boosting Apple's sales of branded products...

Actually, in reality, this kind of thing happens all the time, just look at the Dreamliner

3
1

Reg hack prepares to live off wondergloop Soylent

John Colman
Go

The big 3

There are 3 important tests that you need to do to verify this as a food substitute:

1) Does it have the same effect as a kebab after a night of booze?

2) Does it have the same effect as a bacon sarnie the morning after a night of booze?

3) Can you have it for lunch at your desk without looking like a plonker?

One more thing to watch out for, the after effects of an all Soylent diet. There's no polite way to put this, but how horrific is it on the way out?

27
0

You've seen the Large Hadron Collider. Now comes the HUGE Hadron Collider

John Colman
Joke

Re: HHC?

I think Timmy Mallet named it best:

Itty bitty hitty splitty, Speedy uppy piece of kit-ty

That they build in the land of Japan

6
0

Fear the Embarrassing Bodies webcam

John Colman
Trollface

Re: It's like rubber necking...

Please refer to Bill Gates and Eric Schmidt with issues around morality

0
0

Gay marriage? We'll put a stop to that 'human BUG', says Nintendo

John Colman
Flame

Re: Same Sex Marrage

The same Tory party who have been pushing for equal rights and leader who vocally supports gay marriage? Go back to the Daily Mail, sir.

2
1

Senators: You - Cook. Apple guy. Get in here and bring your tax books

John Colman
Mushroom

Armchair politicians - a meta-comment

With all political articles, there is a tendency among the commenters to put forward their best solution. Of course, none of these will be taken on board, this is the comments on el reg, not a parliamentary petition or US senate round-table.

I, for one, would suggest that instead of beating our chests in a news forum, we instead send our opinion to our MPs. With enough letters on the same topic, even the laziest of MPs will want this discussion in parliament. An open, no holds barred ruck in commons is the only thing that will resolve this, but nobody seems willing to step up to the plate.

1
1

Builder-in-a-hole outrage sparks Special Projects Bureau safety probe

John Colman
Headmaster

Re: Excellent!

Well, technically it is... They were killed, they are under, "underkill"!

1
0

US Ambassador plays Game of Thrones with pirates

John Colman
Stop

Re: A Lannister always pays his debts

Spoiler alert!!!

0
4

Movie bosses demand Google take down takedown notices

John Colman
Pint

Streisand meets Inception

So now, having first drawn attention to the dodgy links, "Big Media", to borrow an Americanism, are now drawing attention to the links to the dodgy links. Next we'll see them fire a broadside against the blogs that cover the story for pointing out the existence of the links to the dodgy links, thus drawing attention to the links to the links to the dodgy links...

Barbara Streisand would be proud!

19
0

Bacon sarnies can kill: Official

John Colman
Joke

In homage to those across the pond

With all of the research into the negative effects of processed meat, it will not be long before our government tries to pass harmful legislature to interfere with my right to eat what I want. We must take a stand now, or we will lose this freedom. Once we lose the right to eat bacon, they'll be coming after our right to eat cake and eventually our right to drink fizzy drinks.

If I cannot eat bacon, I cannot make my family happy. We will not be protected from the smugness of those who eat bacon illegally. We will be at risk of seeing calm and collected, level headed immigrants with their bacon cravings satisfied, taking all of our jobs. We will see a sharp increase in violent crime as people go to extremes to fund their black market bacon purchases.

No, we must protect our freedoms. Join the NRA (National Rasher Association) and we can make a stand against our nanny state government. Because bacon doesn't kill people, people (chefs) kill people!

3
1

Farewell, Reg: This hack is hanging up her Apple jacket

John Colman
Pint

No, thank you

I, for one, would like to thank you for providing such a great service to us readers. You have both entertained and informed us in what could be considered to be tech's most headline-worthy year.

I wish you all the best for the future.

1
1

Wi-Fi hotspots, phone masts: Prepare to be assimilated by O2's Borg

John Colman

Re: Interesting idea....

From what I have read here, it seems as though it is the hotspot itself that would kill the connection after interrogating the handset, so nothing to worry about there.

My concern lies in the fact that each cell site will be using a fair chunk of data to establish the "best" connection that it could, potentially, bump up the data usage and/or eat away at my battery.

0
0

Tennessee bloke quits job over satanic wage slip

John Colman
Pint

And a phobia of that...

... is Hexakosioihexekontahexaphobiaphobia

AKA common sense

0
0

O2 refuses to deny plans to offload home broadband product

John Colman
Flame

Disaster

This is a disaster for me. O2 are the only broadband provider that I can find that offers good service, good speeds and a static IP without a business line.

Oh well, time to start the expenses claim for a business line

0
0

Google, Amazon, Starbucks are 'immoral' and 'ridiculous' over UK tax

John Colman
Happy

Re: It's Political Grandstanding, that's all

You're right, it is grandstanding. It is a selfish attempt to show that the government is being tough on this issue.

But it is also the government trying to be tough on this issue. By calling in the big firms and identifying their practices, the MPs can then start to close the loopholes starting with the biggest ones through proper legislation.

Also, by slamming the big firms first, it sends a message to people lower down the chain that this is wrong, the government will be fixing it and you should start playing ball before you get caught out.

Finally, the court of public opinion plays a big role in our producing our legislation.

So far, Google are the only ones who get the message. Their practices are still shady, but at least they are honest about them and willing to work with the UK government. Amazon and Starbucks are digging their own grave.

<===== Seriously El Reg, no icon for a sensible debate?

4
1

America mounts attempt to top the Register's world record spaceflight

John Colman
Joke

Re: snub at el-reg?

I can see the headlines now:

"British plane shoots down US experimental aircraft over US soil."

"US president Barack Obama authorises US Navy Seal assoult on 10 Downing Street"

"The bodies of David Cameron and Nick Clegg buried at sea from the deck of the aircraft carrier USS George HW Bush"

"Lester Haines wins sweeping landslide victory at the general election"

Too far?

3
0

Retina Display detachment

John Colman
Meh

Re: "He really ought to have torrented some films before catching his flight"

And in doing so can pay the £4.25/MB of sketchy roaming data as he flies high above the USA's Eastern seaboard...

2
0

Phone maker punts AA-powered blower

John Colman
Alert

Talk time

Ok, calculations are a little rough but:

GSM transmitter at 2W

1.5V Duracell Ultra AA battery has approx 2300mAh

2W / 1.5V = 1.333A or 1333mA

2300 mAh / 1333 mA = 1.73 hours or 103 mins

So, talk time with a £1 duracell ultra is about an hour and a half

Notes:

Other batteries are available

This is based on the low end of the Duracell Ultra specification

Price is based on the last pack I bought (4 for £4)

0
0

IDC: Google needs DEEP tablet price slash to crack Apple

John Colman
WTF?

A good bread knife

Try these, i have them myself

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Twin-Towers-Trading-Worlds-Sharpest/dp/B000Y2XPMO

As far as "something useful" is concerned, I too cannot see the point of a tablet with "apps", epecially over a fully fledged windows laptop with better for not a lot more...

0
0

Paris Hilton tweets armed intruder drama

John Colman
Alert

Eh?

No comments about her chiropractor looking after her from behind?

0
0

'Norfolk Broads Idiot' nailed on YouTube

John Colman
Dead Vulture

Lucky guy!

He is extremely lucky he wasn't killed. With the speed that the boat was running, the prop would have literally shredded him...

0
0

Vodafone builds community, sharing via email oops

John Colman
FAIL

Total lies...

This is not a one off! Vodafne does this all the time to it's partner channel... I now have the email address for almost every billing team that deals with Vodafone (including O2 and BT)... This list gets updated and re-sent in the "To" field every month!

0
0

Germans resist Street View invasion of privacy

John Colman
Alert

Welcome

To the United Stated of Google.

New citizens must be aware that you have no right to privacy and everything you do will be monitored so that we can improve our invasive technologies for the purpose of selling ads.

So please, enjoy your stay. Feel free to break any international laws that you please, but make sure you click the ads.

0
0

Amazon UK kicks off low-end price scuffle with iTunes

John Colman
Pirate

3 words

The Pirate Bay

0
0

ID and Passport Service brings in ad men

John Colman
Paris Hilton

Monkey Dust?

Much like the fictional "Labia" corp in the BBC's Monkey Dust... Complete with the top man on the job of finding the new name...

"Security?"

"Protection?"

"SNAPSHOT!"

But I think the rebrand will be to:

"Paris Hilton" - Even she can't keep her personal details and private movies private, so what chance do the government have?

0
0

Pirate Bay rejects law-breaking claims

John Colman
Unhappy

Down again

Pirate bay is down again... Dammit!

0
0

Man arrested in Indymedia animal extremism probe

John Colman
Flame

Do unto others...

...As you would have them do unto you (Quote by some old messiah)

Surely the two posters would be rather miffed if their details were posted on the internet. Name, address, phone number, the location of their dead relatives' graves, etc. Flaming is just about acceptable, but what these guys have done is endagered human life and promoted human suffering.

Time for Karma/Poetic Justice... Post their details on the BBC homepage, the Sky News ticker and the Countryside Alliance forum. See how they like it

0
0

McKinnon lawyers push for UK trial

John Colman
Alien

Keep him here

And while he's inside, put his skills to use teaching other inmates some basic IT skills as part of their rehabilitation... Then, once he's released, give him a job as a consultant hacking into UK systems for naff all money... Recovered costs much???

0
0

Seagate dishes up 1TB drive, looks ahead to 2TB

John Colman
Alert

But think of the flip side!!!

At this rate we'll soon be able to have a database detailing every UK call and email stored in a data centre the size of Jacqui Smith's brain...

0
0

HMRC gets it wrong on one in ten personal records

John Colman
Alert

Ex-HMRC employee

If it's the central system that's wrong, then this will actually affect every record... All of the various utilities and applications take the address, name, NINO, DOB, title and gender (plus deceased status) from one central system. Any changes to these entries will flow to another area of HMRC overnight (tax credits to income tax, Self assessment etc)... The most worrying problem is the number of entries marked as deceased on this system, i used to get at least 1 call every month (income tax) asking me to mark the taxpayer as alive again after they received a "Sorry your [insert relation] has died" form for themselves...

0
0

Microsoft heralds 'record' prison terms for Chinese pirates

John Colman
Alert

$2bn?

I find it hard to trust the microsoft figures here... I mean, come on, they released Vista, can they ever be trusted again???

0
0

Man faces $52k bill after voicemail breach

John Colman
Alert

Warning

I feel a bit sorry for this guy. Security issues aside, almost every telecomms billing system on the market has a "high spend" feature so it stands to reason that his provider would have known something was wrong. If they sold him this feature when he joined them, then he shouldn't have to pay...

0
0

IT departments VAT-whacked

John Colman
Alert

This is painful

Telecomms billing... Ouch... Credits to customers? Calls processed late? My department is in meltdown!!!

0
0

HMRC estimates its IT project costs

John Colman
Coat

Former employee

A lot of these projects are needed. The tax office (PAYE) is still running on a CLI system that was built in the early 80s. There is so much data there that the system can't keep up at all and has to be taken down for maintenence as often as once a month. There has been a project to upgrade this system since the turn of the millenium, but HMRC are nowhere near completion, so instead they paid for 2 more IT projects to fill the gap...

Don't you feel a little bit better now you know where all your hard earned money is going? (And thanks for paying my salary for 2 years)

0
0