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* Posts by Oliver Mayes

411 posts • joined 19 Nov 2008

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Gordon Ramsay breaches f**king broadcasting code

Oliver Mayes

Have these berks never seen Gordon before?

Anyone who has ever heard of Gordon Ramsay knows that he swears a lot, it's his whole gimmick! It's like watching a porn film and complaining about the gratuitous nudity FFS.

If this is regarding the episode I think it is, then I'll admit that there was more swearing than usual. I even counted the expletives off on my fingers as the chef ranted to his manager for a couple of minutes. But if anything, I found it entertaining that he wasn't able to come up with anything coherent to say so just kept repeating himself over and over again while re-arranging the fucks and shits.

If you don't like swearing, then don't watch something that you already know will contain swearing. It's that simple.

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Swedish couple demand right to name baby 'Q'

Oliver Mayes
Thumb Up

@Doug Southworth

"IT Angle?"

Well, the Q from James Bond would be well worthy of a mention here, and I'm sure I'm not the only geek here who associates the letter Q with a character famously played by a certain Mr John de Lancie. If that isn't of interest to the IT community then I don't know what is.

(Thumbs up because it's the closest I can get to snapping my fingers.)

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Virgin Media pilots 200Mbit service

Oliver Mayes
Coat

Must... hold back... tirade...

*Deep breath, calm face on, grip edge of desk to prevent rage from surfacing, clear throat*

Ahem, I have their "up to 20Mb" service, and have never passed 16Mb (even that's just a brief spike at around 3AM every few weeks), my average is roughly 3-5Mb. They cannot deliver anywhere near the speeds they currently advertise. all of my attempts to discuss this with them result in me being put through to a call center in India where someone with no technical knowledge reads a script to me. Their 'automated support' line in all seriousness told me to "Turn your PC off for 10 minutes then turn it back on again, this will solve most poroblems", then it hung up on me!

The fact that they are constantly claiming to have faster and faster speeds is bull effluent of the highest degree. At what point is someone going to step in and give them (and preferably all other ISPs) a firm slap across the face and force them to actually live up to some of their promises?

Going away now, blood pressure is rising rapidly and I doubt I can contain the bile much longer. *Rage, taking over...*

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BT's great hole of Ilford still causing grief

Oliver Mayes

its machine hit "an uncharted obstruction" later identified as part of BT's network

Are we sure it wasn't one of its call centers that was hit? Last I heard they were both uncharted and extremely obstructive.

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Hackers pwn Macca site with banking malware

Oliver Mayes

@ Jolyon Ralph & Camilla Smythe

I think it's intentional, it's a sort of zen link. No href is needed because the information isn't found anywhere, it is found within yourself. Either that or someone missed it out, I don't really know.

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Google taps your IP address for Starbucks targeting

Oliver Mayes

@ Richard Hodgson

You're lucky that you've got the country right at least, a lot of our IPs seem to claim to be in Amsterdam lately.

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Brits build e-car friendly solar parking bay

Oliver Mayes

@ac 15:05

But that doesn't specify what that's from, i.e. per parking space/per pair of spaces (like the one in the picture). Plus, this won't be the only method of charging the cars up so it doesn't need to supply all of the annual power requirement.

At the very least, having a few hundred of these around the country would help to augment the power grid with some nice clean power.

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Cosmonaut bemoans ISS toilet row

Oliver Mayes

Anyone else...

...thinking about 2010? American and Russian astronauts on a join mission, forced to split up due to political issues back one Earth, sound familiar? The next thing we know we'll have a planet missing and an extra sun.

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Artist slices gadgets using CT scanner

Oliver Mayes
Joke

This must stop

Once non-techies start looking inside their gadgets they'll realise that they don't run on magic and blue smoke. We need to stop now this or all our jobs will be at risk.

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Police union leader calls for 'killer games' sales ban

Oliver Mayes
Thumb Down

He may have a point

After all, before computer games there wasn't any violent crime anywhere in the world.

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BT names first 29 exchanges for fibre rollout

Oliver Mayes

*yawn*

Breaking News, ISP announces that it's next broadband product will deliver the fastest speeds ever (subject to F.U.P., location, throttling, random whims).

In other news, catholic bear shits on the pope in some woods, or something like that.

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Card-sniffing trojans target Diebold ATM software

Oliver Mayes

Maybe I'm being naïve...

...but how exactly does this stuff get into the ATMs? If they have to connect to the net to communicate with the banks then they shouldn't be visible to anyone else, and I can't imagine someone physically opening up one to plug a USB stick in.

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Euro ion-rocket sat launch success

Oliver Mayes

Ironic

They build a highly advanced satellite with what must be the precursors to impulse engines, but then get scuppered by a dodgy door? Did they need to send someone down to the shops for a can of WD40 or something?

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Scottish Parliament pr0n law faces angry opposition

Oliver Mayes

Possible new genre

"so possibly jurors will be required to watch any prosecutions south of the border without sound."

Silent porn, cutting back and forth between the action and black and white cards with the speech on them like an old silent film. Might add a touch of class and/or nostalgia to the production.

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'Sunshade' global-cooling plan would ruin solar power

Oliver Mayes
Stop

Woah, hang on a second

Who exactly is planning to put this 'layer' into the atmosphere? Surely any such thing would need to be approved by the whole world before being deployed.

Is this something that's genuinely being developed or just a theory? If it's real then I personally would like to see some details before they potentially screw up my planet with it.

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Court rules airline secret security list is stupid

Oliver Mayes

Something similar happened to me

Trying to fly from LA to London, was pulled aside by security due to them seeing something they didn't like in my carry-on. Turned out to be a couple of tins of Jelly Belly jelly beans, according to them the tins were 'impervious to x-rays' and showed up as solid blocks on the scan. I had to remove the shrink wrap and open both tins up to prove to them that the contents of the two tins that I'd just bought from their duty free weren't actually dangerous (just tasty).

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Boffins build 'slow glass' light-trapping nanodoughnut

Oliver Mayes
Thumb Up

Sounds great

So how long til I can get all my house windows replaced with it? Nice daylight views visible during the night (although I suppose it'd look dark during the day, and anyone looking in through the windows would see the insides as they were x hours ago. Great for confusing my enemies.

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Royal Mail disses runaway post van man

Oliver Mayes
Unhappy

@ Neil Porter & Lee

I'm not dismissing what he did, he stopped the van and that's a good thing. But I just think It's really arrogant of him to then demand payment for something he did off his own back.

There's no evidence that there was anyone else around at the time so as far as we can tell from the facts we have, there was no immediate danger to anyone other than the possibility of property damage. (Which would be paid off by the RMs insurance)

He's clearly entitled to a thank-you from the Royal Mail and at most a commemorative stamp of him, but I don't see any reason to give him anything else.

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Oliver Mayes

He wrote to them?

He actually wrote to them asking for 'a reward or compensation'? If he had really done it out of concern for others he wouldn't care about getting money. This is just a case of someone trying to get money for nothing. Sure he probably helped by stopping the van but it's his own fault that he got hurt and I don't see any grounds for him to demand money for it.

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Metallica's Lars Ulrich illegally downloads own album

Oliver Mayes

It took him 30 minutes?

"We sat there and 30 minutes later I had ‘Death Magnetic’ in my computer. "

1 MP3 = 30 minutes? So with all that money he still has dial-up?

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Nude Apple iMac pics leaked to web

Oliver Mayes

re: duct tape

You're all wrong, it's iDuctTape. Does the same thing but costs twice as much and only sticks to 1/3 of the objects that the regular stuff does.

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Brit nuke subs exposed on Google Earth

Oliver Mayes
Black Helicopters

Bah

Everyone knows that all those buildings are mere holograms designed to draw attention away from our real armed forces. Secure in their distant hollowed-out mountain-top hideouts.

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Judge issues radioactive 'pr0n downloader' alert

Oliver Mayes
Joke

Captain Scarlet

I'm sure I remember an old episode of Captain Scarlet where Captain Black was accidentally irradiated and they used a special 'directional' geiger counter to track him. Surely someone somewhere must have invented one of these by now that we can use to find the guy.

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El Reg suffers identity crisis

Oliver Mayes

Wow

Phorm actually accused El Reg of being unethical. "Pot, kettle, black" doesn't even approach my feelings about that.

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Microsoft U-turns on overpaid redundo packages

Oliver Mayes
Gates Halo

More like

No-one agreed to give them the money back so rather than admit defeat M$ just claim that they've had a change of heart and want them to keep it. That's all, it was entirely their idea. Next we'll hear that the overpayment was intentional but someone in HR hadn't been told about it and raised all this commotion.

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Virgin Media boosts bottom tier broadband

Oliver Mayes

@Sooty

"why is it called medium if it's the smallest package they offer? Surely small would be a more appropriate name. Do they even know what medium means?"

They do, but small is not a good word to use in the world of marketing, it sounds much better and looks better on their sales blurb if you're buying their 'medium' service. That's all there is to it.

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Oliver Mayes
Thumb Down

As if

I'm already on "up to*" 20mb and I'm lucky if I see 4 Mb. It's all just a big marketing ploy, I doubt if any of these customers will see any noticeable performance increase from this.

*When the wind is blowing in the right direction, when Jupiter aligns with Mars, when hell freezes over and when I close my eyes and wish really hard.

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Hurlable 360° cam-grenades used by IDF in Gaza

Oliver Mayes
Joke

Better idea

Sell a public model with wifi, then you just lob it into some changing rooms and it automatically uploads the footage to youtube.

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What did you do on Emergency Services day?

Oliver Mayes

@everyone else referencing the IT crowd

Isn't it a little weird that I'd never even hear of this new emergency number until reading this, but can recite 0118 999 88199 9119 725 3 without hesitation (yes I did sing the little jingle in my head while typing that). Maybe the EU needs to consult the shows producers for tips.

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Brits find accommodation a little uncomfortable

Oliver Mayes

I find it amazing

that so many of our younger customer service automata don't know the difference between words such as 'are' and 'our' . I've seen dozens of emails being sent out to our customers containing phrases like "it dosnt look like thers a problem with your acount, but iv forwarded your query to the relivant person in acounts". I'm only 23 but even I think that the standards of schools must have slipped since my day.

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Joker must retire, insist Heath Ledger fans

Oliver Mayes
Thumb Down

Since when has that been reason enough to stop re-doing something?

Hollywood remakes everything sooner or later, even though it's almost universally acknowledged that remakes are inferior to the originals.

Personally I honestly don't think his version was as amazing as everyone seems to think. It was good, and I can't think of anything significantly bad about his performance but let's be honest, if he hadn't died he would have received nowhere near as much attention as this. He's just been sensationalised.

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Facebook turns pollster in search for cash

Oliver Mayes

How does this work?

They'll have to provide some form of reward to the users for filling out these surveys, otherwise the only way I can see people bothering to do them is if Facebook begin to block your account unless you fill out X surveys per week/month. I personally would leave in a flash if they try that, I don't actually get anything useful out of it at the moment beyond a bit on mindless trivia about what people I know happen to be doing at the moment.

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Gears of War grind to halt

Oliver Mayes

Give them a break

Firstly, it's not DRM, it's a security system that stops idiots from cheating in online games and ruining it for everyone else.

Secondly, it's just a mistake. They've admitted that they did something wrong and are working to fix it. It's not like they did it deliberately to annoy people, and I doubt that everyone here is a some sort of perfect being who has never made a mistake before.

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Germany announces ITER fusion-reactor supercomputer

Oliver Mayes
Coat

Alright, you caught me

Here I was hoping my GCSE physics would allow me to blag my way into people thinking I was a nuclear physicist. I've obviously got this wrong then, but despite pretty much all of my previous statements being wrong I still stand by the fact that I am right.

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Oliver Mayes

@ac 11:27

Actually, thermonuclear bombs rely on nuclear fission. That is, the breakdown of heavy elements (usually uranium) into lighter ones releasing large amounts of heat in the process. Requiring the heavy elements in the first place.

Fission is the other way around, more or less, and isn't quite the same as a bomb going off. Hopefully.

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Wrong kind of winter brings England to a halt

Oliver Mayes
Happy

Why's everyone so worried?

I love it when it's like this, there's so many people staying at home that the office is lovely and quiet. I had no problem driving in to work and it only took me an extra 5 mins.

Only real incident was when I was going along an un-gritted road. Limit was 30mph, I was in my Peugeot 307 doing about 10mph along with a few other careful drivers. Some 17yo in a 1.2 Fiesta with tinted windows, fake alloys and a fake chrome exhaust tried to overtake us all at what looked to be 40mph+. He didn't quite make it and just span around a few times when he tried to pull back onto the right side of the road again. Then he just sped off again once he'd stopped sliding. Lucky there wasn't anyone coming the other way really, that could have been messy.

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Subatomic nanoholograms smash 1-bit-per-atom barrier

Oliver Mayes
Joke

"We ended up with the smallest writing in history,"

That sensation you just felt ladies and gentlemen, was every lawyer and disclaimer-writer worldwide experiencing simultaneous orgasm.

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Street View vehicle kills Bambi

Oliver Mayes

Actually...

If you read the Google blog, they confirm that the deer survived and limped away under it's own power just after the pictures were taken.

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Vladimir Putin bitchslaps Dell-boy

Oliver Mayes
Coat

I am so sorry for this but...

In soviet Russia, economy broadens you!

OK, I'm leaving.

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Extreme pron vigilantes are after you

Oliver Mayes

Hmm, interesting

If they plan to hunt down torrents that are illegal so that they can monitor them, aren't they guilty of actively searching for and accessing the content in the first place?

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Boffin dubs global warming 'irreversible'

Oliver Mayes

"an irreversible change that will last for more than a thousand years."

"an irreversible change that will last for more than a thousand years."

Did they change the meaning of irreversible while I wasn't looking? I always thought that something irreversible could, you know, not be reversed. Will all irreversible things suddenly change back in a thousand years now?

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Linux to spend eternity in shadow of 'little blue E'

Oliver Mayes

Just another reason...

...to teach kids about different operating systems at school and college. My IT A level was done entirely in Word and Excel because that's what the teachers knew. If you questioned them about anything else you were just met with confusion.

If you start people early and show them multiple software packages and OSs then you can let them choose whichever they're most comfortable with and leave them to it. At least then you wouldn't end up with whole generations who know Windows and only Windows.

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Suffolk braces for 300mph winds

Oliver Mayes

Same here

As of Tuesday afternoon it was saying the same thing for here in Telford too, 300 - 400 mph winds for the next seven days. Except for between midnight and 3AM next Monday morning when they briefly drop to about 8mph.

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SA copper thieves bid for Darwin glory

Oliver Mayes

Not surprised

My father used to work as a commissioning engineer in all sorts of countries. He once installed a backup diesel power generator at a steel mill in Nigeria. When he got back home there was a message asking him to go out there again as it wasn't working. Turns out that within an hour of him finishing and leaving site the locals had smashed the doors in and stolen the whole generator and all the spare kit that had been left in the generator room.

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Conficker seizes city's hospital network

Oliver Mayes

Oh come on

Please leave poor MS alone. Windows may not be perfect but there's a reason it's used by so many people. That reason may be a combination of user stupidity and questionable business practices but that's beside the point in this case.

Windows update doesn't automatically reboot your PC when it needs to. Mine does nothing without asking permission first, both before downloading and before installing anything. It then asks me to confirm whether I want to reboot if necessary or postpone by X hours. This is a simple setting that anyone who can install windows can set.

This is clearly the fault of whomever maintains the PCs, for not setting them up correctly before putting them into use. This is then compounded by ignorant management making a stupid decision.

And before anyone starts, I'm not some windows zealot. I run Vista at home, Ubuntu at work and am currently listening to my iPod Touch so I'm about as unbiased as most people can get.

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Online campaign urges MPs to block secret expenses

Oliver Mayes

Hmm, lets see

Ask the MPs to vote on whether they can keep the details of all the tax payers money that they've spent on themselves? Can't imagine many of them voting No on this one.

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Church of Scientology seeks 'ban' against HIV+ protesters

Oliver Mayes

@Flugal

There is a way to cure Scientologists, it's called a Cluebat.

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Cows can't detect earthquakes: Official

Oliver Mayes
Coat

Next up...

...can geese predict stock market crashes?

Mines the one with the research grant in the pocket.

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Danish SWAT team surrounds PlayStation shoot-'em-up

Oliver Mayes
Go

Getting them early

If they're playing a violent game then it's obviously just a matter of time before they become real life killers and start shooting up their neighbours. It's a good thing the police got there first. </sarcasm>

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Wireless HDTV set for 2009

Oliver Mayes

Power?

So we'll need to have those wireless power mats built into our walls before this breakthrough will be of any real use then?

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