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* Posts by Oliver Mayes

411 posts • joined 19 Nov 2008

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Gulf spill to annihilate all earthlings, says seer

Oliver Mayes

Woah there

This is no place for reasoned, informed debate. This is the internet, kindly leave your facts at the door and allow the nutjobs to say their piece.

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Consumer Reports: 'We were wrong about the iPhone 4'

Oliver Mayes

@ J 3

"I believe the Patrician's name is spelled Vetinari, and I shudder just to think of what he might do with such exclusive tape."

He wouldn't do anything, he'd just casually leave a roll sitting on his desk when you turned up for a meeting with him and let you imagine the worst yourself.

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Martha Lane Fox to clone 10m copies of self

Oliver Mayes
FAIL

I love how...

...page 58 has a quote about web accessibility and supporting people with visual impairments, and the text is in pale pink on a white background.

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Fanbois love sex toys: Official

Oliver Mayes

Same here

Win 7 on home pc, Ubuntu on work pc, iPhone (3Gs, I'm not too far gone yet) in pocket. Or... Windows in the bedroom, Linux in the office and Apple when out in public.

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Lindsay Lohan goes down for 90 days

Oliver Mayes

Uh...

The Uk gubbermint already puts electronic tags on certain offenders to monitor their location remotely. These anklets do the same thing but record the level of alcohol in the wearers skin and sweat.

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Revealed: Government blows thousands on iPhone apps

Oliver Mayes
Coat

I know it's extremely childish

But I can't help sniggering at the thought of an instructional video of how to lubricate your grease nipples.

I know, I know, I'm off to grow up a bit.

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Colombian cops seize cocaine World Cup

Oliver Mayes
Boffin

Also

One popular theory is that the real 'gold' trophy is mostly hollow, as if it was solid gold then it would be impossible to lift one handed, let alone hold up in the air and wave it around as the winners generally do.

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Apple support-drone scripts leaked

Oliver Mayes

hmm

My 3GS is the same, I never noticed that before. 5 bars drops to 1 when i hold it then goes right back to 5 as soon as i let go. How did I never notice this before?

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Council of Europe condemns teen-bothering Mosquito

Oliver Mayes
Megaphone

Doesn't break any laws?

So I'm free to wander the streets at all hours blasting people randomly with an air horn am I? If playing loud annoying noises at one group of people is legal then surely it's legal to do it at anyone?

I'm 25 and I can hear these things clearly, at best it's a breach of the peace, and at worst it's unprovoked assault.

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Production problems push back white iPhone 4 release

Oliver Mayes

Simple

They've got to make a black one and give it a REALLY good clean. They must have run out of cloths.

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Dixons renames itself Dixons

Oliver Mayes

Is it just me?

Or do marketing phrases like 'reflect the resurgence of the company' make anyone else gag slightly?

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Women reveal all for X-rayted pin-up calendar

Oliver Mayes

Where's the NSFW label?

You can see her coxyx!

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US attacks Europe's perv-scanners

Oliver Mayes

Never underestimate...

...the the perviness of the human race. You can almost guarantee that if something exists then someone, somewhere gets off on it. In fact a lot of people enjoy stuff that doesn't exist. A fetish for nude images of random anonymous people sounds pretty vanilla compared to some of the things I've heard about since joining the net back in the 90s.

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Bloke threatens BT with giant plywood cheque

Oliver Mayes

Perhaps...

Perhaps sue them for harassing him with debt collection agencies when he has already paid them in full but they refuse to accept the perfectly valid payment?

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Lords: Analogue radio must die

Oliver Mayes

Fantastic

"To go back on this policy now would risk turning confusion into an utter shambles"

Translation: "We were wrong, but changing our minds now would make us look like we don't know what we're talking about. So we're going to carry on regardless and you will fall into line."

I've got a DAB alarm clock which constantly loses reception and it's time signal and as soon as it wears out (I give it another few months at most) I'll be going back to a good old FM radio. The stereo in my car is also FM and works fine, if I switch that one to DAB it'll be pretty much unusable with the crappy signal strength around here.

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NFC breathes new life into tombstones

Oliver Mayes

Useful icons?

Judging by the example one shown in the pic, John Doe was a family man living in the US, who carried a shield, either spent most of his time leaning forwards at an improbable angle or once put his foot through a staircase. He also apparently banged wooden stakes into things with his bare fists? and, had some form of nuclear-based super powers?

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Police arrest MD of dowsing-rod 'bomb detector' firm

Oliver Mayes
Unhappy

You may laugh...

...at how backwards this seems, but when you consider that UK police forces hire psychics to assist with murder cases it just leaves you with vague feeling of depression at the state of the world.

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German dentists develop 'painless' plasma tooth-blaster

Oliver Mayes

I think that's just a scapegoat

They'll always give a convenient figure like 99.99% so that when it inevitably misses a few they can just say "Well, that's the .01% that it can't kill." thereby avoiding the inevitable lawsuits that would result from a claim of 100% removal.

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Air France offers two-seat deal for fatties

Oliver Mayes

Simple way to decide who pays extra

You just have two doorways leading onto the plane, a narrow one and a double-door jobbie. If you can't fit through the narrow one without touching the sides then you pay the extra for the second seat and go through the other door.

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Bonuses all round for failing Border Agency

Oliver Mayes
Joke

A simple solution

We just need to instigate some sort of system where all citizens are issued with some form of identification, say a card of some sort. That will prove who you are and that you have a right to be here.

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Snoop Dogg pimps self out on TomTom

Oliver Mayes

For my money

I'd rather have Captain Kirk, bring on the Shat-Nav!

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Isle of Man plays catch-up on extreme porn law

Oliver Mayes

Yet another reason

To avoid the place. Though to be honest those bloody three-legged monster things that apparently roll around the countryside there were enough to scare me away in the first place.

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Data collector charged $275,000 for leaking personal data

Oliver Mayes

Correct me if I'm wrong

But the system that was disabled was used to detect "unauthorised access", but the crims used stolen credentials to access the database. How would it then have known that those authorised credentials were being used by unauthorised persons?

Doesn't this mean that even if this mysterious system hadn't been disabled that it wouldn't have helped in this case?

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E-Wolf unveils extreme sports e-car

Oliver Mayes

"make it sound like an ice-cream truck or Fiat Panda"

I'd rather have one that sounds like a steam train, with a matching steam-whistle horn.

Just to confuse and/or terrify anyone approaching from the other direction in a dark tunnel.

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Olympic builders hit with biometrics - local residents next?

Oliver Mayes
Big Brother

They public might be more forgiving...

...if they didn't spend so much time coming up with ridiculous and meaningless drivel disguised as an explanation.

"The health and safety of the workforce and people living around the park is our number one priority which is underpinned by robust and proportionate security measures we have put in place."

To me, that just sounds like a default press release written by a marketing department where they just fill in the blanks to apply it to whatever project is in question. What has any of this got to do with 'Health and Safety'?

The phrase 'Doubleplusgood Duckspeak Comrade' springs inexorably to mind.

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New antimatter atomsmashers 'may destroy themselves'

Oliver Mayes
Boffin

Forget Antimatter...

Wake me when they start using these things for playing conkers, then I'll be satisfied.

Goggles, obviously.

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Nation's moral guardians snap over 'shag bands'

Oliver Mayes

Two points...

Firstly, I remember these things being around when I was back at school in the late 90s, has it really taken this long for the sensationalists to notice?

Secondly, has anyone considered that these children are just lying about what they're doing? How many teenagers claim to have had sex when they're just trying to sound big in front of their friends?

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3-tonne robot flying saucer offered to world's militaries

Oliver Mayes
Joke

May I be the first to say...

Wankel rotary engine, is just funny in any context. Thank you Felix Wankel.

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Pesticides fingered in UK honeybee wipeout

Oliver Mayes
Happy

Neonicotinoid?

Isn't that a brand of Nicotine gum? If not then it should be. "Cigarettes? Neonicotinoid can help you avoid."

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Scientology seeks to squash anonymity

Oliver Mayes

Are they a religion?

Is Scientology classed as a religion in Australia? In France I believe it's recognised as a cult by the government, and Germany classes it as a business.

They might want to souble check that if they seek to "make it illegal to incite hatred against religious groups"

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What US Homeland Security collects about you

Oliver Mayes

Experiences of Merka

Flew into LAX and spent a full three and a half hours queuing up to be photographed, fingerprinted and interviewed by three separate Mexicans. Amusingly, the friend I was travelling with misheard the question "What do you do for a living?" and answered "Uh, yes?" but still got waved through.

During that time we were subjected to 6 sniffer dog searches which uncovered not one, not two, but three apples being illegally brought into the country by my fellow passengers (Two of which were leftovers from the in flight meal). I now have a mental image of the security staff piling up all of the confiscated fruit out back somewhere and destroying it in a controlled explosion.

When I came to leave again i sat in the terminal waiting and had one of their heavily armed stormtroopers come up behind me and look over my shoulder at what I was reading, a Readers Digest, not exactly a threat to democracy. I also bought two tins of Jelly Belly jelly beans from the airport and had to open the shrink wrap and show the contents of the tins to the staff as they claimed the tins were 'Impervious to X-Rays'.

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UK population to abandon Midlands

Oliver Mayes

Why do people keep saying that?

The Midlands is not 'oop north', we're in the middle. The clue's in the name.

Also, I work in an office and a pay cut of £6,900 would put me dangerously close to 4 figures. Plus, health insurance and company cars? Which office was this survey done in? I'm apparently working in the wrong one

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Tourist magnet blows off Speedo-wearing men

Oliver Mayes

Simple solution

The rides already have signs stating how tall you have to be to get on, they just need to have narrow gates leading into the park. If you're too big to fit through the gates then you shouldn't be wearing a swimming costume in public.

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High Court shields database state from blame

Oliver Mayes
Big Brother

Not really a problem

This will only affect you if our almighty database wielding overlords make a mistake, and as we all know, they are the very acme of flawlessness.

In cases like this where there is a discrepancy between The Database(tm) and reality then reality must therefore be in breach of the law and will be corrected immediately (or as soon as is convenient for the overlords).

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Tory landslide inevitable - maybe

Oliver Mayes

Does it really matter?

Regardless of who wins, the wrong lizard will still get in.

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Electropulse weapon fear spreads to UK politicos

Oliver Mayes

@The Metal Cod

Yes, EMP devices are real. In this case the EMP pulse is just a by-product of a nuclear explosion. I'm don't think that pure EMP devices are in general use yet, mainly because in order to shield something from EMP you just need to put a bit of shielding around it so it's not really very effective.

All major government and military facilities are already EMP shielded to ensure they can't be disabled in the event of an attack. Even if an EMP were to be used in a developed country only the most delicate electronics would be permanently damaged, given time everything else would just come back up again once they'd had a chance to recover.

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Too-tall terror snapper stopped by cops again

Oliver Mayes

Knowing your rights is one thing

But it's not much use in cases like this where they arrest you first then decide what they arrested you for afterwards, whilst apparently being under no obligation to actually tell you what they came up with. I was under the impression that there was some legal recourse for being wrongfully arrested, or does that only apply if they can't come up with a reason afterwards?

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Jupiter takes a serious knock

Oliver Mayes
Alien

Come on people

It's obviously just a monolith going about it's everyday business.

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Google not liable for defamatory search snippets

This post has been deleted by a moderator

Ukraine slaps ban on all porn

Oliver Mayes

A possible solution

"pursuing no other goal" is apparently one criteria of what determines something to be porn. So if the plumber actually fixes the broken dishwasher and maybe gives some advice on how to avoid it breaking down again then the material must not be porn then. Right?

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Software firm goes after Google for internet invisibility cloak

Oliver Mayes

I might be missing something here...

...but since when did Google have a legal obligation to provide free advertising and contact listings for every company in existence? Surely if they remove a company from THEIR search engine then that's their right. If you're not paying Google anything then what right do you have to demand that they link to you?

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Panasonic patches cameras to block rivals' batteries

Oliver Mayes

In a perfect world

"if a third-party battery is used and it does fail the way Panasonic describes, that's a matter for the user and the battery maker, not Panasonic's responsibility." would be very accurate.

However, we live in a world where if you break a fingernail trying to open a battery compartment you can sue the manufacturer for the 'psychological trauma' you suffer as a result.

There is undoubtedly a financial benefit to them from doing this, but there is still a valid excuse for them trying to protect themselves from lawsuits. After all, if one of these third party batteries did catch fire and destroy the camera, how could they prove reliably (and in a way understandable to a judge) that the battery was third party and not one of theirs?

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'Bionic ear' can detect Wi-Fi, FM,GPS signals simultaneously

Oliver Mayes
Happy

Spelling?

radiob

the human hear

electromagneticn

typicsal

Long day is it?

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McAfee downplays service pack fail

Oliver Mayes
Linux

"tagged windows system files as malware"

<insert obligatory 'just doing its job' comment here>

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'D'oh!' tops fave kids' TV catchphrase poll

Oliver Mayes

@Brand Hilton

Here in the UK back in the 90's 'Ninja' was considered too violent an image for a kids show, so it was changed to 'Hero' for that particular cartoon series. It's back to Ninja in the more recent ones though.

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DHS to field Star Trek 'Tricorder' medscanner

Oliver Mayes

This is all well and good,

but does it make the right bleeping/whirring noises?

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Wolfram Alpha - a new kind of Fail

Oliver Mayes

Doesn't work for me

I wasn't able to find anything that it did understand other than simple dates or names, but it still scores over Cuil by not serving me actual Nazi propaganda if I search for Pingu.

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Banned US shock-jock demands Clinton intervention

Oliver Mayes

OK, two things I can see here

1) His 'right to free speech' is not being infringed, just his right to enter a particular country. As far as I can tell there are no plans to hunt him down and shut him up, he's just not welcome over here. Surely it's up to our government (corrupt and flawed as it is) to decide this, not the US?

2) They're citing international regulations that protect individuals' human rights, exactly the same regulations that the US ignores whenever it feels like it (Guantanamo anyone?), now they want to hide behind those same regulations?

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Archaeologists unearth oldest known 3D pornography

Oliver Mayes

Woman?

Looks more like a big bloke with a tiny head carrying a giant parsnip to me.

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Gov 'smart meter' plans: Sky box in charge of your house

Oliver Mayes
Joke

Next wave of trojans

"able to switch between suppliers by simply pressing a button - or perhaps under the control of a simple home computer program".

Then the scum start writing trojans that switch you to a premium rate supplier to make themselves loads of money. A bit like the old premium-rate diallers that circulated back in the 90s.

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