* Posts by Jonathan Schwatrz

10 posts • joined 31 Oct 2008

Declassified documents show NSA staff abused tapping, misled courts

Jonathan Schwatrz

Testing

Test.

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Sun: Q4 sales to drop by a third, sees deeper losses

Jonathan Schwatrz
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RE: RE: Intelligent responses

Dear Unworthies,

I would just like to say that I fully support Ms Bees graceful and intelligent foray into selective censorship. SUN under My Inspired Leadership has often used such measures to squash similar attempts at blaspemous thoughts in My Crusade to spread The Sunshine. Soon I will start the Conversion of our new recruits at Oracle so that they too can share in the Wonder of My Sunshine!

Blessings (and $millions) be upon Me,

Jonathan Schwartz - that's GOD to you!

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Sun's Amber Road traffic picks up

Jonathan Schwatrz
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I AM GOD!

Peasants!

I am OUTRAGED that one of the Faithful should mention God and NOT state that I am The Only God! Know that Amber Road is a success that will grow and grow purely because I GAVE BIRTH TO IT in a miracle of Immaculate Conception. Pay no heed to the rumours that Fallen Angel McNealy was the Father and I played Mommie. Since I have taken it upon Myself to take the reformed sinner Larry Ellison under My Guidance, so he can turn his faltering company around and make it the outstanding success that I have made Sun, soon the whole World will have an Amber Road system, three Rock servers, and unlimited MySQL licences, and that's just in the bedroom! As soon as I have indoctrinated Saint Larry in the correct way to run a software business, and as soon as he has grown a fittingly similar ponytail, I will send him out to do My Bidding! Rise up, Sunshiners, your time is now! Now kiss my feet in reverance or burn in RHell.

Yours bombasticly,

Jonathan I Schwartz.

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DellHPSunIBM unmoved by Cisco blades

Jonathan Schwatrz
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I do have all the answers!

Why is time being wasted on this upstart "networking" company? Only My SUN can provide The True Path to Computing Happiness! What would this... - Pisco? - know about computing? After all, everyone knows the computer is the network... or was it the network is the computer? Anyway, as long as it's a SUN server it is both a computer and a network... and maybe a toaster too. And they all make great coffee, virtual coffee... because SUN made Java, the island. Or was it code? Who cares! Just buy SUN, especially our blade servers.... Or you could buy those nice ProLiant blades now I jave Blessed them with Solaris. Anyway, back to work, peons, I have a tennis match with Jake! And he better let me win again.....

You may kiss My Heinie,

Yahdah, yahdah, yahdah,

Yours Overlordingly,

Jonathan I Schwartz

(that's GOD to you!).

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Chipzilla sits on its Tukwila

Jonathan Schwatrz
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RE: re: matt and bill

Dear plebs,

Once again it pains Me that I have to take time out from My Work To Make The World A Better Place to explain to you undeserving cretins that My Acolytes must not be mocked! Bill is one of the Chosen, he has seen The Light and the greatness of My Ponytail. From now on you will accept all his utterrences as though they are My Own! Well, actually they are My Own seeing as he has had the unneccessary ability of objective thought removed to allow him to understand My Plan. Nevertheless, just accept My Word that all Sun servers are infintaley superior, much cheaper and make cinnamon toast, and that Solaris is The One True OS that leads to Salvation! Forget this foolish prattle of benchmarking, shoot-outs and comparisons, they are the talk of The Devils hp and IBM! Now, get on with My Bidding.

Yours Heavenly,

Jonathon I Schwartz.

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Sun and open-source events changed as recession bites

Jonathan Schwatrz
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Silence, underlings!

<Snip>Sun's largest share holder - Southeastern Asset Management - has secured two new independent directors on Sun's board as part of a move to "realize the company's true economic value."<Snip>

I would just like to take time to inform you peons that have not yet grasped the Greatness of My Plan that my allowing Southeastern Asset Management the honour of contributing to My Company is being misconstrued by some less-knowledgeable journalists. I have indeed invited two of their number to join My Board in basking in My Proximity and the Splendour of My Ponytail. Said muck-raking wannabe-journos have spread vile lies and innuendo that SAM's statement of "realize the company's true economic value" is a prelude to an asset-stripping venture, which is plainly untrue as they - like everyone else given the Great Fortune to meet me - are in rightful and respectful awe of my every utterence.

Bow down before Me, dogs!

Yours Greatly,

Jonathan I Schwartz.

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Sun trumpets radically simple open storage boxes

Jonathan Schwatrz
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RE: Bill

As a Sunshiner you should know better than to compare our Objects Of Heveanly Conputing to lesser vendors' "kit". You should know that a 2TB 7110 at $10,995 is expensive when compared to a 2TB HP DL160 G5 Storage Server which is £1995 list price in the UK as customers will then fail to realise that our Object of Heavenly Computing comes with my blessing, compared to the HP system coming with the Devil's Windows Storage Server 2003 x64 Edition OS. Customers should not be fooled into thinking they can also use the DL160 with other standard Windows applications when our OOHC is an appliance only (even if they were blessed with Solaris skills), much like those heretical NetApp systems we deigned to borrow WAFL from to use in our Holy ZFS. Instead, should a customer ask why Sun OOHCs are so expensive and question their flexibility, you should simply raise an eyebrow disdainfully and remind them they are buying SALVATION!, not just a NAS.

Now, back to making me suitably rich, peon!

Yours divinely,

Jonathan I Schwartz.

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Is Sun taking open source a little too far?

Jonathan Schwatrz
Go

RE: A J Stiles

Thanks for your vote of blind obedience in my bold strategy to make no money from software by giving it away for free. Please ignore all those nasty Gartner magic quadrants for RDBMS and BI that never mention any Sun or MySQL products, and so what if they always have Microsoft and Oracle in the upper-right quadrants, who cares about an integrated solution when all I want to talk about is the base database product. And we don't talk to those Oracle guys anyway seeing as they won't give Solaris preference - something to do with shrinking market share, the heretics! Anyway, so what if customers actually prefer to pay for Oracle's or MS' database software rather than take ours for free, I'm sure that will change as the recession bites and they will be forced to use Solaris and MySQL. Oh, hold on a sec, we charge for the version of MySQL with the real tools needed. Maybe I'll have to start giving that away for free too.... You see, my "give software away for free" strategy is really a "generate more hardware and services revenue by giving away software" strategy, and when the recession bites we can expect people to take our free software and buy our expensive SPARC64 and Niagara servers. And if they don't have enough money for the SPARC stuff, then they can buy our x86 servers. Never mind the fact that the other top three vendors all ship much more x86 kit than we do, I'm sure they're just lying about their sales figures because they're jealous of my ponytail. And ignore the fact that we ship four times as many Linux x86 servers as Solaris x86 servers, that's just because our customers are too stupid to take free Solaris, but when The Great Realistaion dawns they will flock to worship at The Altar of Sun! Ha! You may prostrate yourself now.

The One (I'm the real One, Obama is just copying me),

Jonathan I Schwartz.

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Sun freshens Solaris 10 for new iron

Jonathan Schwatrz
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RE: amanfromMars

Hi, aman,

Please send me your CV, I predict a few vacancise will be opening up here at Sun soon, what with us having to let the whole chip dev team go. But we will have support for Intel's Nehelly- Newelly-... well, whatever it's called. Our tech guys have codenamed the new Intel stuff "The Only Viable Choice" for some reason, don't you just dig those crazy engineering minds? Anyway, I was very impressed with your eloquence and I'd love to see you head up our new Evangelising Depart- sorry, I meant to say Marketting Depratment. Anyway, drop me an email!

Hugs and kisses (well, virtual ones anyway, seeing as I don't physically interact with lesser beings, and virtualisation is the new Participation thing!),

Jonathan (still "God" to you even if I do give you a job).

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Sun doused with red ink in Q1

Jonathan Schwatrz
Pirate

RE: No worries JS.

Hi Matt. I've taken time off from being God in order to straighten out a few innaccuracies in your post. First of all, we don't sell that "open sauce" stuff you mentioned, in fact we don't sell any kind of condiment. We sell proprietary software with licence fees befitting my status as Computing God - except Solaris, of course, which no-one wants anymore so we have to give it away for free. I think you may be confused becasue we did try selling a kind of Linux a looooong time ago, but it was even more unpopular than Solaris, and by then our jealousy had led other Linux vendors such as Red Hat becoming upset both by our superiority, and by our constantly smiling to their faces but then telling all and sundry that their product was cr*p. So we left that Linux stuff to HP, who seemed quite happy to get down and dirty with all those nasty OSF commoner types. We also sell someone elses storage, some servers from some other people, and a few of our own designs from other companies we bought. Well, actually we sell a lot less of other peoples' stuff, but then red is my fave colour so that's just fine.

One of the occurences in my life you will hear me mention most often (and thrillingly told it is too, I must modestly admit) was when my heavenly invulnerability was confirmed by my surviving the Amtrack train crash in Chase, Maryland, back in 19BC (that's 19 years Before CEO, or 1987 in mere mortal terms). Ever since I have delighted in catastrophic crashes - well, like our share-price. In fact, it is this divine ability to recognise the holiness of an idea that has led me to push our market position downwards in the (righteous) belief that Steve Jobs (a lesser god) will see fit to ask us to merge our two companies so he can benefit from my Divine Leadership, and then we can proceed to bless the iPhone with Niagara and our customers will be able to make sixteen calls at a time (people do that, don't they?). Of course, we will still work on the Rock CPU, and when the time is right we may even release it if you peasants show correct deference.

Anyway, I hope this has cleared your mind and set you back on The Path To True Enlightenment (aka Solaris, Java, and MySQL), and there will be no more of this nonsense about "peon source" or whatever it was you were on about.

Yours Devinely,

Jonathan I Schawartz, CEO Sun (that's "God" to you).

PS: As my mother would say, "Sipia a Sunshiners!"

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