* Posts by Code Monkey

1573 posts • joined 16 Oct 2008

Facebook restricts ads running next to dodgy posts

Code Monkey

Re: Maybe

I don't do Facebook but if I did, I'd have Shyte Brook as my hometown.

http://maps.geotastic.org/vaguely-rude-places/index.php?id=153

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Chinese 'nauts return to Earth after vigorous space coupling

Code Monkey
Happy

I thought the code for astro-rumpy was "the 200 mile high club".

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Saucy selfie app Snapchat hits $800m valuation as VCs chuck cash around

Code Monkey
Windows

$800m for a load of pictures of winkles? The world's gone mad!

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Tearing a strip off Microsoft's Brazilian: That's no way to attract mates

Code Monkey
Headmaster

"Amazon flows into Brazil"

Not really - it's more than Amazon drains Brazil into the ocean.

I'm not entirely sure where that metaphor is going but it's certainly not where Microsoft thinks it's going.

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El Reg rocket squad poised to select Ultimate Cuppa teabag

Code Monkey
Unhappy

Re: Yorkshire Gold!

Coming from the wetter side of the Pennines it pains me to agree with you but, yes, Yorkshire tea is the best.

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Boffins find evidence Atlantic Ocean has started closing

Code Monkey

@ I ain't Spartacus

Secondly if the Gorringe subduction zone becomes as famous as the San Andreas fault, then poets and songwriters will now have something to rhyme with Orange.

Not only does it rhyme with "Orange" but Gorringe Bank has massive rhyming slang potential as well.

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When to say those three little words: 'I am quitting'

Code Monkey
Windows

Three words?

"Why don't you stick this fookin job up your moron fookin ass you dormant bastard?" > 3 words

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Help! I’m trapped inside the Chamber of Hollers

Code Monkey
Windows

Sounds like you need to take a lead from this organ's own BOFH. Just remember to hang on to the roll of carpet after you take it up ...

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So, who ought to be the next Doctor Who? It's up to YOU...

Code Monkey
Windows

Re: It'd be nice

I'm waiting for someone to blame Microsoft.

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Big Brother? Social networks are far worse, says Estonian president

Code Monkey

Re: Shops

I'm sure there are many folks who twit/status update the amount of bog paper they use.

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Who should play the next Doctor? Nominations needed!

Code Monkey
Black Helicopters

Re: If Eadon...

That would make sense. Have you ever seen Windows ME climbing stairs?

No, nor me.

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Code Monkey

Paterson Joseph

Paterson Joseph - with a scarf, bag of jelly babies and a smart lass in tow.

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Internet pioneer Vint Cerf predicts the future, fears Word-DOCALYPSE

Code Monkey

Most of the Word documents I produce are complete shite anyway. Lack of backward compatibilty is sparing future generations some tremendous dullardery.

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Hitchhikers' Guide was WRONG, Earth is not in a galactic backwater

Code Monkey
Alien

I'm not convinced

It sounds like we're in the low-rent shithole between 2 genuinely nice areas.

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Doctor Who? 12th incarnation sought after Matt Smith quits

Code Monkey
Windows

I prefer Doctor Who with more scarves and less shouting.

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'Catastrophic failure' of 3D-printed gun in Oz Police test

Code Monkey
Joke

Re: (Streisland Effect && Do NOT press ME!) {GOTO FAIL;}

Sort of a self-service version of Saudi justice: crims blow their own hands off.

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Code Monkey

Re: The Liberator - a bargain

Expecially if you've not paid the £50 dead cat surcharge.

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FLABBER-JASTED: It's 'jif', NOT '.gif', says man who should know

Code Monkey
Windows

"Sequel" every time - unless referring to "Microsoft Squeal Server".

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Code Monkey
Joke

Re: nah mate

"Just asked our graphics guy and he's as 'American' as they come. He said jif... Only Europeans say gif according to him. He could have already read the story though. Hard to trust those graphics guys."

But Americans pronounce "autumn" as "fall".

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Code Monkey

Re: Acronymity...

I tried Joojling it but it wasn't clear.

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Soylent Corporation prepares to DEFEAT FOOD

Code Monkey

Re: Well, maybe it is made from people...

Mmmm. Crowd sauce is the tastiest sauce.

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It! Started! With! A! GIF!... Yahoo! Actually! Buys! Tumblr! for! $1bn!

Code Monkey
Unhappy

Oh dear. I quite liked Tumblr. Now I'll have to start calling it New Flickr.

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UK.gov STILL wants to tout pupil data – don't use the word 'product'

Code Monkey
Childcatcher

Unbelievable

There really is nothing these slimy little shites won't do for a few quid is there?

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Boffins find world's oldest virgin water trapped in Earth's crust

Code Monkey

Re: Freeze it

Each to their own. You can keep your ice but I'll take mine with a splash of 1.5 billion year vintage water.

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Life on Mars means subsisting on grim diet of turd-garden spinach

Code Monkey
Pint

Re: Desire for a brand new combine harvester

Indeed. My interpratation was that the protagonist already has a combine harvester and was boasting of it in an attempt to get into ladies' pants

<- imagine that's a cider. Ooooh-arrr!

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Drone to deliver beer-as-a-service

Code Monkey
Meh

Re: As a guy who once was paid good money to jump out of perfectly good airplanes ...

While I doubt the cans will be jumping from the heights you once did I share your doubts about their accuracy.

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Google's Page, LG boss's SECRET confab sparks Nexus 5 rumour

Code Monkey

"Unlike the Nexus 4 there are no buttons on the front of the device"

There are no buttons on the front of the Nexus 4. Or at least there are no buttons on the front of my Nexus 4.

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Science of the lambs: Boffins grow GLOW-IN-THE-DARK sheep

Code Monkey
Pint

Re: Roast Lamb

The lamb from my local kebab shop does that already

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Code Monkey
Mushroom

Impressive bofinry but where's my flying car, damnit?

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How long will it take Facebook Home to hit 1bn downloads? 76 years

Code Monkey
Trollface

If FB's Android app hasn't improved since I last used it, a goatse launcher would be most apt.

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Ten Windows 8 Ultrabooks

Code Monkey

Fiestas and marketing wonks

If you're looking for a review of the new Fiesta on [well known car review magazine site], it's listed under the "Supermini" category, which is close.

Bastard marketing wonks.

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Ready for the car 2.0? Nvidia preps UPGRADABLE car system

Code Monkey
Thumb Down

No

"Updating dashboard software now, please pull over during the update."

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Dark matter researchers think they've got a signal

Code Monkey
Pint

"What next?"

Pub

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Hardware hacker unifies 15 retro consoles in format frenzy

Code Monkey
Joke

And people complain about the original PS3 being big. Sheesh!

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LOHAN chap to launch Raspberry Pi eye in the sky

Code Monkey
Coat

All hail ...

... the Pimonaut

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Citi to file claim with Nasdaq over Facebook IPOcalypse

Code Monkey

The value of investments can go down as well as up.

Caveat emptor.

Etc.

Do these things not apply to big banks?

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Take a deep breath: No NORKS panic for ICT supply chain … yet

Code Monkey
Pint

Relax

They couldn't organise a nuke in a dictatorship.

They might as well divide the warhead between 20 000 schoolboy catapults.

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Bitcoin exchange: Greedy traders to blame for DDoS attack

Code Monkey
Windows

I've invested in magic beans - which are entirely resistant to DDoS. Yeah take that Bitcoin!

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Bitcoin briefly soars to record $147 high, driven by Cyprus bank flap

Code Monkey

"Can you walk into a Tescos, Asda, Lidl or Aldis and pick-up some Milk and a Head of Lettuce with a Gold bar or a Picasso?"

No but you can be confident the gold bar and Picasso will be worth something in 5 years time.

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Code Monkey

One simply sells them to a fool. Finding that fool ought to be depressingly easy.

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Provider of FIFA goal line tech chosen, tracks ball in space and time

Code Monkey

"Jimmy hat icon please." Re: Pfft

Would that be in the Scottish sense or the Tribe Called Quest sense?

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Facebook prepares to dominate Android

Code Monkey
Windows

Re: I Be Afraid.

If it's anything like the Faceshite app on my old HTC phone, you'll be jailbreaking it to uninstall.

Unless this was an April Fools story, I've really no idea any more.

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Man's 'I own half of Facebook' claim branded 'fabrication' by judge

Code Monkey

"I own half of Future MySpace"

If the case had dragged on for a couple more years, Zuck could've just given him 50p and called it quits.

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Roomba dust-bust bot bods one step closer to ROBOBUTLERS

Code Monkey
Terminator

Re: Needs to be housewife proof

You could probably have that kind of thing installed as an add-on module, if you really want it.

And thus the future unfolds with a whole new category of things-that-A&E-staff-get-to-laugh-about.

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Code Monkey
Terminator

Re: This is a *huge* step forward.

I reckon, ironing would be *the* killer app that gets robo-assistance into so many homes.

Skynet at the cost of never ironing again? It's food for thought, admit it.

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Reg man goes time travelling at iconic observatory

Code Monkey

Re: North-West not North Midlands

There are no hard and fast rules, but my opinion is that the north west begins at Crewe - so Jodrell Bank is definitely just over the border.

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Bitcoin prices spike on Euro woes

Code Monkey

Good grief

Is this like that graph you see where lottery spending rockets the closer you get to the redundancy date?

It'd be better "investing" in the 3:05 at Newmarket than Bitcoin.

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Twitter patents sending messages, promises not to sue everyone

Code Monkey
Stop

Prior art

Usenet

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UK's 'Nobel prize for engineering' given to 'inventors of the interwebs'

Code Monkey
Joke

Bang up to date, then. Next year I'm backing James Hargreaves for the Spinning Jenny

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Are your servers PETS or CATTLE?

Code Monkey
Windows

Pet? Cattel? Contraptions, more like.

Ours are mostly held together with string and gaffer tape. "Contraptions" is the word I'd use.

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