* Posts by Code Monkey

1575 posts • joined 16 Oct 2008

Big stink over Malawi farting ban

Code Monkey
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Glad I'm not Malawian(?)

Having just chowed down on a big plate of veg samosas I'm grateful to live in a country with freedom of, er, gas.

First they came for the flatulent...

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PSP playing boy plunges onto railway

Code Monkey

The child is an idiot

For once I don't blame the parents.

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Scanner snares senior servant

Code Monkey

Architectural Ironmongery

And there's the real reason he was sacked, for not claiming he was searching for architectural ironmongery.

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Post-a-puppy woman hit with cruelty charges

Code Monkey
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Yes

Via airmail, of course

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UK's Supreme Court greenlights Twitter usage

Code Monkey
Stop

How about

They all put their fncking phones down and take court cases seriously?

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Official: PhD in 'Essential Oils' or 'Natural Toiletries' = 'a Scientist'

Code Monkey
Pint

Wow

So... when I was down the pub on Saturday I was being a Beer Scientist? Actually with over 20 years research I'd be overqualified in the Essential Oils sector.

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UK probes ebook pricing

Code Monkey

Charge them (almost) full whack

While the material and distribution costs are negligible, the authors still have to be paid. Your typical eBook price complaint completely devalues the months of work represented by a good book (or the days of work represented by a Dan Brown novel).

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Facebook plugs gnarly authentication flaw

Code Monkey

They're asking for it

With all that code kncoking around inviting people to "Like" pages on 3rd party sites. Personally I'd rather they allowed me to switch that shite off because I'm never going to use it.

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Gates: Killing the internet is easy

Code Monkey
Gates Horns

Yes Bill

Most of us remember Slammer

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Motorola Defy Android smartphone

Code Monkey
Thumb Up

Good review. Phone looks good, too

That ticks quite a lot of my boxes (can take a knock, small-for-a-smartphone size, call quality, battery life), enough to forgive the less than bleeding edge OS. Certainly more boxes than my Desire.

Hopefully an updated Defy 2 will be available at upgrade time.

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Indonesian pop star jailed over sex videos

Code Monkey

@AC You could always ignore it

It is possible to escape the whole shitepile of celebutard gossip. Honestly.

You don't have to read the red tops. You can watch Channel Four news instead of Channel Five. Then maybe you won't find the need to anonymously post angry messages to the Internet.

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Archos 101 8GB Android tablet

Code Monkey
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"the only tablet now on sale that I would actually spend my own hard-earned on"

I'm still not ready to part with my hard-earned on a tablet but this is the most tempting fondle-slab I've seen so far. And unlike almost every other vendor, Archos have been making this sort of thing for years.

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Firm offers punter prints pronto

Code Monkey
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Such outrageous vanity!

I'm tempted...

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In defence of Comic Sans

Code Monkey

Whereas...

Whereas complaining on the Internet is a good use of anyone's time.

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Ten... wireless keyboards

Code Monkey

Your review

Your review focusses more on aesthetics and noise than how they feel when typing. Personally I'm not arsed what the thing looks like, nor whether my colleagues can make phonecalls when I'm typing (frankly if they can't, so much the better). What I am concerned with is can I still use my hands after a marathon of bodging code.

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Facebook launches location-tracking Places Deals

Code Monkey
Grenade

Who would want this?

Click here to be bombarded with spam every time you walk past a Starbucks.

Thank $DEITY my Android's fixed and I can sign up tonight!

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MSI Windows webpad goes on sale

Code Monkey
Thumb Down

No thanks

I can wedge doors open for a lot less than £500 plus virus scanner.

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Gatwick Airport security swoops on 3-inch rifle

Code Monkey

They used to

Til people had trouble flying with them...

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Code Monkey

Jobsworth Morons

It's easy to point, roll your eyes and call them jobsworth morons, and you'd be right of course.

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O2 to upgrade southern UK network

Code Monkey

That's nice

Any chance of putting some 2G coverage in the North while you're at it? O2 coverage is bobbins near my folks.

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Gov unveils plans to reduce employment tribunal claims

Code Monkey
Flame

Anyone remember voting for this?

Given that employees typically move on after 2 years, this has killed the right to claim unfair dismissal for most people. Throw in a fee and we're completely fucked.

(I'm not typical, mind, I've been code monkeying here a dashed long time.)

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Hubble squints at most distant galaxy

Code Monkey
Happy

That's why...

That's why they're NASA and your kids aren't. Me? I can't find my arse with both hands most mornings.

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Cameroonians cleared in 'surreal' dyed banknote scam

Code Monkey

I always thought...

I always thought you can't trust Cameron.

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Blackadder style chemists transform gold into purest ... purple

Code Monkey

Boffins

On the subject of boffins, on the bench for West Ham last night was one Ruud Boffin. What a tremendous loss for science.

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HP Palm tablet specs outed

Code Monkey
Troll

If I were in the market for another gadget

I'd buy this rather than join Jobs' circus of controlfreakery

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Intel sings duet with Black Eyed Pea will.i.am

Code Monkey

Hip hop names

A sure way to come across as a complete bell.e.nd

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Bookshop swaps Kindles for real books

Code Monkey

HIs business is under threat.

It's a dumb stunt but his business is under threat. The market for stores other than Amazon selling Kindle books is pretty much zero. Amazon's already killed off countless bookshops and the Kindle will account for a lot of those remanining.

I'm also sad to say I rarely buy books other than from Amazon and plan to get a Kindle once my "to read" pile's a bit less brutal. Sorry bookshops, I liked you but you can't compete.

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Motorists' e-car interest revs up

Code Monkey

Press one if your car is on fire

If that's the case, better hope their call centre is in the UK

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Ten... fitness gadgets

Code Monkey

Revomaze

By crikey that looks fun. Cheers Reg!

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Microsoft Windows guru turns to cybercrime (fiction)

Code Monkey
Joke

And if anyone knows about poor security...

...it's an ex-Windows "guru"

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End of the line for ID cards

Code Monkey

Passport?

Is it just me that uses my passport for internal flights (despite the 10 year old photo that looks nothing like me)

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Duke Nukem Forever release date revealed

Code Monkey

It's Friday

Duke Nukem Forever release date. Yeah nice try Reg. Pull the other one, it's got an Amiga on it.

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Bogus Kama Sutra presentation opens your backdoor to hackers

Code Monkey
Coat

Open this file...

...and your're fooked.

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Archeologists toast world's oldest wine press

Code Monkey

Ritual

It's Archaeologist for "we don't know what it's for"

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Yorks cops bust Bradford guinea pig farm

Code Monkey

Why take her out of work?

They only suspect she's growing weed. She's not likely to do a runner so why subject her to the embarrassment of showing up at her place of work?

Stupid, stupid plod.

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Italian bloke sneezes out .22 bullet

Code Monkey

Hit by a stray round

Holy fuck! Clearly my New Years are lightweight

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NASA trumpets rocky exoplanet find

Code Monkey
Headmaster

"bone-fide"

Oh good Lord!

Still, well done on finding the planet, NASA

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Ptable: It’s all about the interface

Code Monkey

Pah

Not a path on the Periodic Tablecloth of Swearing

http://shop.moderntoss.com/?q=periodic+tablecloth

(I've nothing to do with Modern Toss, I just appreciate a good swear.)

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Google battles Derby cops over access to Street View data

Code Monkey

Aaaaand normality is restored

After defending plod over retaining 999 caller data I'm back to thinking they're a bunch of arrogant shitebags who think they're above the law.

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Runaway hydroponic fungus attacks real-world Starship Voyager

Code Monkey

Ex-wife

Figures

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Fit your old MacBook Air with turbo flash, bitchslap the new ones

Code Monkey

I believe them

In these days of uberfast processors and mahoosive wads of RAM, disk IO has long been the bottleneck. Those of you crazy enough to splash out on x.0 Apple kit could do worse than voiding your warranties on this.

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iPhone-wielding chumps rush to give data to phish sites

Code Monkey
Happy

Correlation

So there's a correlation between people who pay £70 a month for a mobile phone and people who trustingly give their details to criminals? Goodness me.

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Called 999 recently? They've got your number

Code Monkey

CRB Check

I do have to be CRB checked for work. That I dialled 999 (for a genuine crime) in recent years isn't recorded.

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Investors fight to buy secret special-offer Facebook equity

Code Monkey

If anyone missed the Facebook boat

I've some prime swamp real estate they can invest in.

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Windows Phone 7 to get cut'n'paste shortly, says Ballmer

Code Monkey

Just like the iPhone

OI BALLMER! JOBS HAS JUMPED OFF A CLIFF!

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Spam volumes shrink over festive season

Code Monkey

Maybe

They all got each other AVG for Christmas (and now their PCs are too slow to send any spam).

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Samsung shows off tablet-cum-netbook convertible

Code Monkey

Pretty, but...

"plus a proprietary port into which you can hook a selection of USB and HDMI adaptors"

These are portable machines. Their poor users shouldn't have to schlep adaptors around just to use USB peripherals.

Manufacturers, why do you do this? CEO's son just finished his undergraduate engineering project?

USB ain't broke!

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Microsoft embraces ARM with Windows 8

Code Monkey
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I don't want ARM Windows, but...

If this prompts a few manufacturers to produce some cheap ARM-based consumer PC hardware then I'm very interested.

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Doctor Who to marry Doctor Who's daughter

Code Monkey

Dalek

You! Will! Love! Honour! And! Obeyyyyyy!

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US gov funds censorship-busting tech alternatives to Wikileaks

Code Monkey

Wow

After a couple of weeks' laziness and limited IT press I'm not ready for such irony. I'm off for a lie down.

God bless the land of the free.

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