Feeds

* Posts by Code Monkey

1558 posts • joined 16 Oct 2008

BOOGIE BALLMER: Steve Dirty Dances at tearful Microsoft leaving do

Code Monkey
Pint

So long Ballmer. You were tremendous fun. [raises imaginary beer]

1
1

'Bet Lynch' types BANNED from zoo for upsetting not-so-wildlife

Code Monkey
Mushroom

Just open the cages

Let these fools take their own chances. It's a dog* eat dog** world.

* lion

** sartorially-challenged onesie bastard

12
0

Michael Gove: C'mon kids, quit sexting – send love poems instead

Code Monkey
Windows

Re: Mary had a little lamb, and it was always gruntin'...

Ha!

I shall add poetry to the very long of things not to attempt on a Monday.

0
0
Code Monkey

Roses are red

Voilets are blue

I'm often blunt

Gove is <redacted>

2
0

E-book him! Entire Judge Dredd back catalogue gets iDevice treatment

Code Monkey

By Grudd that looks a good deal

1
0

Microsoft's swipe'n'swirl pic passwords LESS secure than PINs, warn researchers

Code Monkey
Windows

Re: Also

Yes. The unlock pattern for my phone becomes very obvious if I've eaten crisps.

2
0

Have you tried turning it off and on again - oh, you did: IT Crowd RETURNS

Code Monkey

Re: We need more documentaries like this

No need for anonymous cowering, there. At least 90% of the people in this industry have worked with (or are) folks like that.

15
0

BBC releases MYSTERY RIDDLE poster for Doctor Who anniversary episode

Code Monkey
Alien

Auntie: happy birthday Dr Who! We've got you this

Dr Who: [unwraps] oh, overkill. You shouldn't have. No, really you shouldn't have.

0
2

Tell me why I don't like Moon days: Bob Geldof heads into SPAAACE

Code Monkey

"He is constantly in our faces about giving money to charity"

Churlish much? I've not heard Bob say much about charity since Live8. Hardly "constantly in our faces".

If someone offers you a trip to space, you take it.

5
2

400 million Chinese people can't speak Chinese: Official

Code Monkey

Re: So how does this compare...

As the number of Chinese wot can't speak Chinese (~400m) is greater than the total number of USians (~300m), therefore it is greater than the number of USians wot can't English talk proper.

We (I) need an anti-joke chicken icon

2
0

Boffinry breakthrough OF THE DECADE: Teens 'influenced' by friends

Code Monkey
Holmes

Splendid boffinry

Perhaps the boffins can now turn their attention to where bears make stool.

1
0

WIN a RockBLOCK Iridium satellite comms module

Code Monkey

FLAPS

Flying LOHAN Aeroplane Protection System

1
0

Facebook strips away a bit more of your privacy – but won't say why

Code Monkey
Mushroom

Shit off Zuck

... is my considered response.

18
0

Meet the world's one-of-a-kind ENORMO barge-bowling bridge of Falkirk

Code Monkey
Pint

An utterly sensible solution that looks utterly bonkers. Goodonyers Scottish canal boffins.

20
0

'Symbolic' Grauniad drive-smash was not just a storage fail

Code Monkey
Big Brother

Stupidity? Malice? Both?

I really can't work out whether this is stupidity malice, or both. I suspect the former.

0
0

Windows NT: Remember Microsoft's almost perfect 20-year-old?

Code Monkey

Ah NT4.0. I ran it for years after its official end of life and it never went wrong. Never.

2
0

Boffin blends benevolent beer

Code Monkey
Pint

Aussie pish

An Australian wants us to trust him to add things to a beer that won't ruin the taste? In the case of Aussie pish he's probably right.

3
1

AREA 51 - THE TRUTH by the CIA: Official dossier blows lid off US secrets

Code Monkey
Alien

It shows how tragic these UFO fantasists are. Whatever you think about its purpose, the SR-71 is a marvel of human engineering. That people can't appreciate what we're capable of without having to imagine little grey men is sad.

34
3

AOL boss: Soz about that 'Abel, you're fired!' Patch showdown

Code Monkey

No such thing as bad publicity?

I mean, who knew AOL still existed?

6
0

Norway BANS Apple from Oslo's skies: No aerial Maps app snaps allowed

Code Monkey

Silly Norwegian government

This is a perfectly sensible decision ... if you ignore Streetview.

8
0

Jurors start stretch in the cooler for Facebooking, Googling the accused

Code Monkey
Thumb Down

Being a juror is a serious business. You're asked to decide on something that could lead to someone doing a lot of time - or that an innocent person be punished and the guilty go free.

Don't talk about the case (on or offline), don't Google the defendants, etc. These rules might seem harsh but they're clear enough. Don't piss about.

63
1

IT Crowd thesp eyes giant hot-air-filled FLYING SCROTUM

Code Monkey
Coat

Re: Fire up the pun-o-tron

I fear you'll attract a load of old bollocks here.

0
0

Burger-rage horse dumps on McDonald's: Rider saddled with fat fine

Code Monkey
Trollface

Re: It's not all that bad

Fresher than their usual burgers, then.

0
0

PHWOAR! Huh! What is it good for? Absolutely nothing, Prime Minister

Code Monkey
Childcatcher

You seem to be suggesting that parents take responsibility for their children. That's not the 21st century way!

33
0

Secret ROYAL BABY birth VIDEO leaked! (And other malware scams)

Code Monkey
Windows

Hmm

If my Twitter's anything to go by, they're really overestimating people's interest in the lizard-baby.

1
0

WAR ON PORN: UK flicks switch on 'I am a pervert' web filters

Code Monkey
Gimp

Pointless

A very quick look at my browsing history will tell you all you need to know about my desire to watch mucky films online.

3
0

Beijing fanboi in coma after iPhone 4 shock treatment

Code Monkey
Joke

Re: Hmmm

The later incident was a genuine charger.

... or at least that's what the bloke down the market said.

4
0

Tablets? Check. Mobes? Check. What's next, Apple? Fondlable CARS

Code Monkey
Stop

Re: An anternative?

Ford and MS? Getting up half an hour early after Patch Tuesday so my Fiesta can install 16 updates?

Oh gawds no!

2
0

Tweet like escaping Hell depends on it, Twitter Catholics told

Code Monkey

How many for rumpo with a choirboy?

Asking for a friend.

1
1

Unreal: Epic’s would-be Doom... er... Quake killer

Code Monkey
Windows

This - though for me Unreal came at the time I was falling out of love with computer games. Quake II was the last game I ever finished.

0
0

Man sues Apple for allowing him to become addicted to PORN

Code Monkey
Gimp

Re: Does this excuse still work?

"It was not my fault its the (insert anything WEALTHY here)"

FTFY

3
0

Microsoft: Still using Office installed on a PC? Gosh, you squares

Code Monkey
Windows

The old rule

"Wait for at least one Service Pack" still applies, I reckon.

6
0

Run for your (private) lives! Facebook's creepy Graph Search is upon us

Code Monkey
Gimp

Ooh creepy

I'm tempted to rejoin FB to have a nosey

0
0

Twitter to let ad pals TRACK COOKIES on micro-blogging site

Code Monkey
Mushroom

If this is the start of some Facebook-style privacy snafu I will ragequit.

0
0

Space miners reach funding goal for telescope

Code Monkey
Facepalm

[sigh]

South Sea bubble, Tulip bubble, boo.com, Facebook IPO. No matter how much we try and idiot-proof things they keep making better idiots.

0
0

Facebook restricts ads running next to dodgy posts

Code Monkey

Re: Maybe

I don't do Facebook but if I did, I'd have Shyte Brook as my hometown.

http://maps.geotastic.org/vaguely-rude-places/index.php?id=153

0
0

Chinese 'nauts return to Earth after vigorous space coupling

Code Monkey
Happy

I thought the code for astro-rumpy was "the 200 mile high club".

1
0

Saucy selfie app Snapchat hits $800m valuation as VCs chuck cash around

Code Monkey
Windows

$800m for a load of pictures of winkles? The world's gone mad!

3
0

Tearing a strip off Microsoft's Brazilian: That's no way to attract mates

Code Monkey
Headmaster

"Amazon flows into Brazil"

Not really - it's more than Amazon drains Brazil into the ocean.

I'm not entirely sure where that metaphor is going but it's certainly not where Microsoft thinks it's going.

6
0

El Reg rocket squad poised to select Ultimate Cuppa teabag

Code Monkey
Unhappy

Re: Yorkshire Gold!

Coming from the wetter side of the Pennines it pains me to agree with you but, yes, Yorkshire tea is the best.

0
0

Boffins find evidence Atlantic Ocean has started closing

Code Monkey

@ I ain't Spartacus

Secondly if the Gorringe subduction zone becomes as famous as the San Andreas fault, then poets and songwriters will now have something to rhyme with Orange.

Not only does it rhyme with "Orange" but Gorringe Bank has massive rhyming slang potential as well.

1
0

When to say those three little words: 'I am quitting'

Code Monkey
Windows

Three words?

"Why don't you stick this fookin job up your moron fookin ass you dormant bastard?" > 3 words

1
1

Help! I’m trapped inside the Chamber of Hollers

Code Monkey
Windows

Sounds like you need to take a lead from this organ's own BOFH. Just remember to hang on to the roll of carpet after you take it up ...

6
0

So, who ought to be the next Doctor Who? It's up to YOU...

Code Monkey
Windows

Re: It'd be nice

I'm waiting for someone to blame Microsoft.

3
0

Big Brother? Social networks are far worse, says Estonian president

Code Monkey

Re: Shops

I'm sure there are many folks who twit/status update the amount of bog paper they use.

0
2

Who should play the next Doctor? Nominations needed!

Code Monkey
Black Helicopters

Re: If Eadon...

That would make sense. Have you ever seen Windows ME climbing stairs?

No, nor me.

3
0
Code Monkey

Paterson Joseph

Paterson Joseph - with a scarf, bag of jelly babies and a smart lass in tow.

1
0

Internet pioneer Vint Cerf predicts the future, fears Word-DOCALYPSE

Code Monkey

Most of the Word documents I produce are complete shite anyway. Lack of backward compatibilty is sparing future generations some tremendous dullardery.

10
1

Hitchhikers' Guide was WRONG, Earth is not in a galactic backwater

Code Monkey
Alien

I'm not convinced

It sounds like we're in the low-rent shithole between 2 genuinely nice areas.

4
0

Doctor Who? 12th incarnation sought after Matt Smith quits

Code Monkey
Windows

I prefer Doctor Who with more scarves and less shouting.

18
0