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* Posts by Code Monkey

1553 posts • joined 16 Oct 2008

Dolphin Browser HD

Code Monkey
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Text-jiggling

The lack of text-jiggling is a deal-breaker for me but it looks like one to follow closely...

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Facebook growth slows in stalkerbase heartlands

Code Monkey
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They're welcome to look at my profile

All it revels is a love of taking the piss

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Code Monkey
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FAIL

Going public in 2012

Just before the exodus really gains momentum. Only a fool would touch FB with actual money.

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Living, biological raygun produced in lab

Code Monkey
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Excellent stuff!

Excellent stuff! I'll have a gross. Send them immediately to the shark tank in my hollowed out volcano.

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Sky combines, revamps internet telly services

Code Monkey
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Devil

Very interesting, but...

That little glimpse of the future makes Sky suddenly look a lot more interesting. Not interesting enough to change my mind on "Murdoch is an evil, evil bast and won't be getting any of my money".

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Top telly tech fails to drive new set sales

Code Monkey
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It's all cobblers anyway

It doesn't matter how much you spend on a telly when the overwhelming majority of content is utter arsewater.

Is LED backlighting ever going to make My Family funny? Is 3-D going to stop you wanting to smash things as soon as Adrian Chiles opens his stupid mouth? Is internet connectivitiy going to allow you to download a less smug Simon Cowell?

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Apple 'spaceship' awaits landing clearance in Cupertino

Code Monkey
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Boffin

"The last thing we want is for anyone to get hurt,"

Anyone outside of Chinese labour camp-style factories anyway.

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Hannspree Hannspad 10.1in Android tablet

Code Monkey
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Price

£250 for a decent performer is about the point where I am interested.

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Survey scammers target Doctor Who fans

Code Monkey
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Heh, no

Not new but still saddened by what I (sometimes) read.

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Code Monkey
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Or...

You could just wait a day or two. Surely there must be something else to fill the void til a new Doctor Who arrives?

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Francis Maude goes back 110 years for cybersecurity strategy

Code Monkey
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Facepalm

Nice analogy

And eventually his intereference will lead to the UK having little stake left in the industry. What a complete tool

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Barnsley clamps down on foul-mouthed fu*king locals

Code Monkey
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Well done plod.

Those arrest quotas won't fill themselves and this is far easier than investigating burglaries.

Welcome to the Big Society everyone!

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Canadian prof: Wikipedia makes kids study harder

Code Monkey
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Hmmm

Very demotivating for the students who will watch their hard work turn to the usual semi-literate wikibollocks in a matter of weeks but full marks for creative lesson-planning.

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El Reg pays by phone – mmmm, free cookies!

Code Monkey
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Stop

Insecure

A tiny big of convenience in return for making my mobile much more attractive to muggers. I won't use it.

Now will anyone help me smash this loom?

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Daleks given a well-earned break

Code Monkey
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Coffee/keyboard

Re: "WON'T SOMEONE THINK OF THE CHILDRENNNNNNN!"

Did you write that in a Dalek voice? I read it in one. Well done sir or madam

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Code Monkey
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Old Monsters

Or them parrots in string vests. They were good.

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Code Monkey
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Trollface

Poor Daleks

Though retirement is a step up from that stupid, stupid, stupid redesign they had.

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Stealth hovercraft armada poised to invade South Korea

Code Monkey
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@Captainhook

Do you work for SCO perchance?

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Reg hack applauds asinine augmentation

Code Monkey
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Trollface

Nice ass!

Or should it be asset?

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Microsoft shareholder calls for Ballmer's head

Code Monkey
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MS - Ballmer

MS shareholder is right, though the industry will miss his apelike slapstick buffoonery

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HTC Wildfire S Android smartphone

Code Monkey
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I like it

This is the sort of thing I'll be looking for at upgrade time. I like my Desire but it's just too thirsty and, well, too big. When the Desire was being fixed I realised how much I missed having a small phone.

HTC seem keen on refreshing their handsets reguarly so with a year or so to run I'll be looking at the next revision.

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Ofnuke: UK is not Japan

Code Monkey
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"doesn't experience Force 9 earthquakes"

This is a very important point that the more shrill parts of the media (and some that should know better) have chosen to ignore.

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Judgment Day prophet resets doomsday clock

Code Monkey
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Alert

What he says on 22nd

"My bad everyone. It turns out it was all a load of Bronze-age superstition that some of us all took a bit too seriously. Now how about we all stop blowing each other up over who's invisible friend is best and just - y'know - get on."

Well I can dream, can't I?

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Code Monkey
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That book

There's something in that book about it being easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven. It doesn't stop these bastards lining their pockets.

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Service Birmingham offshores IT jobs

Code Monkey
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Grenade

"It won't have any effect on customer-facing roles,"

Thanks, Capita spokewonk, that makes it so much easier to swallow. The fact that it'll be server admins losing their jobs and the council's servers being administered from several timezones away.

Great move, Capita. Time to break out the bubbly, toot and hookers!

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El Reg iPhone app rated a flaccid 12+

Code Monkey
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Do the apps get comments?

We can always help drive up the rating. You shitters.

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Remastered 4K, 3D Titanic steams towards cinemas

Code Monkey
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Woo-hoo!

I'll go along, see if they miss the iceberg this time!

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Ricoh reveals paper-bright colour e-paper

Code Monkey
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CMYK

It makes perfect sense for this type of display. Hopefully some Ricoh boffins are enjoying a big pay rise for this one.

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German salesmen rewarded with meticulously organised orgy

Code Monkey
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Not just you*

I'm a broad-minded chap but I find the whole business of hookers sordid and, well, sad.

* aka me too, I know

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Apple to support reps: Don't confirm Mac infections

Code Monkey
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Jobs Horns

"Until Apple figures out how to get around that weakness..."

Surely "Until Apple figures out how to MAKE MONEY OUT OF that weakness, then you'll have this issue."

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PS3s overheat after firmware update

Code Monkey
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Re: People use PS3s for gaming now?

I hear some people do. Crazy!

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Code Monkey
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Blimey

Sony aren't content with going to the toilet with their trousers still up just once are they?

Still, cheers for the warning. As my PS3's little but an iPlayer watcher now I'm in no rush to upgrade anyway. Good luck to those of you that use it for games!

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PARIS team to tackle the ultimate post-pint snack

Code Monkey
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Pie barm

Now you're talking!

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Welshman attempts to board train with pony

Code Monkey
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Welsh Bernie Eccleston

He likes em tall.

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Code Monkey
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Coat

I've always said our trains are a bit pony

Mine's the one with Dick van Dyke's Bumper Guide to Cockney Slang in the pocket.

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Schmidt: Android will bring DEMOCRACY to the WORLD

Code Monkey
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Gnonsense

Gnonsense if you ask me. Improved clock speeds are the friend of the dictactor and revolutionary alike.

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LinkedIn thinks it's worth $4bn on eve of IPO

Code Monkey
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Just Bubble numbers?

Yes

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Gates defends Ballmer's Skype gamble

Code Monkey
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$8.5bn

I just dowloaded it from their website. For free. Silly, silly Ballmer.

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Facebook planking game claims its first victim

Code Monkey
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One less idiot

To quote (possibly misquote) Bill Hicks "We lost an idiot. The world just got lighter."

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Boy George plonks tech centre onto Silicon Roundabout

Code Monkey
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Re: 3 cheers

Yeah. I loved Nathan Barley, too.

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Three to supply UK Chromebooks' 3G access

Code Monkey
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Wifi only

In which case you might as well spend £350 on a netbook. Or am I missing something?

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Google lobbying to make driverless cars legal in Nevada

Code Monkey
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Stop

No witnesses?

If I were offing some Vegas type and dumping him in a freshly-dug hole in the Nevada desert, the last thing I'd want is to arrive in a Googlecar.

You might *think* you'd wiped the car's history...

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Facebook pulls plugs on Mark Zuckerberg’s Facebook profile

Code Monkey
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Headmaster

Beginning?

I agree with the overwhelming majority of your post. It's just the word "beginning" I object to.

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Slovakian cannibal's dinner calls in cops

Code Monkey
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Joke

Pigs

I always like it when the pigs show up for breakfast.

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Plague of US preachers falsely claim to be Navy SEALs

Code Monkey
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"Just needs his ass spanked"

How refreshing to hear of an American capable of resolving something without getting the lawyers involved.

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Steven Moffat fumes over Doctor Who plot leak

Code Monkey
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"I just hope that guy never watches my show again"

Don't tempt me.

Make no mistake the leaker's a complete tool but, IMO, this series has been a bit bobbins so far.

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Code Monkey
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Series so far

First two were far too complicated. I really couldn't be arsed. Far too much shouting in the 3rd. Well there are a few gaps I can fill in the Tom Baker collection. Much better!

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Nude gardener's arse hauled into court

Code Monkey
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Pint

@Intractable Potsherd

Thank you. Every day's a school day

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Code Monkey
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Coffee/keyboard

Engorged hampton

I've no idea what an engorged hampton is and will just have to (try not to) imagine until I can get off the work network to Google it. Meanwhile, please send a fresh keyboard to my office forthwith.

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Code Monkey
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Coat

Or to turn it around...

I was naked in my hotel room and the maid walked in. Eventually.

Mine's the flasher's mack

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