* Posts by Anonymous Custard

1143 posts • joined 25 Jul 2008

Cortana threatens to blow away ESC key

Anonymous Custard
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Mushroom

Not to mention HP, who decided it would be great for users to put another row of keys down the left hand side of the keyboard for quick access to things like calculator, print and a whole host of other stuff that we don't need keys for.

And to top it off they put the print one beside the left hand shift key, so at least 4 times out of 5 when I'm typing on the wife's HP laptop and I want something in upper case, I almost end up printing the damn document out instead (or occasionally do so, if I'm not quick enough to catch it)...

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LOHAN'S PRATCHETT mission set to soar Saturday

Anonymous Custard
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Joke

There was, but he heard about the mission and ran away...

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Anonymous Custard
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God(s) Speed...

And may you have a potent voyage!

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Microsoft picks up shotgun, walks 'Modern apps' behind the shed

Anonymous Custard
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Re: Modern Applications

Maybe some manager in Microsoft told his team that he wanted bigger numbers for modern apps, and they misunderstood him?

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It's 2015 and hackers can hijack your Windows PC if you watch a web video

Anonymous Custard
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Re: Wot, no video?

And crafted specially along the lines of MS15-057?

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Did you almost prang a 737 jet with a drone over Dallas? The FAA would like a word

Anonymous Custard
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Mushroom

Re: You don't understand...

Nah, taken to a suitable test rig and made to watch whilst their drone is fed into the engine to show exactly what happens. And then pushed in after it, for being a gormless twat.

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Power your temperature sensor with this BONKERS router hack

Anonymous Custard
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Re: Cow Fart Powered Cars Anyone?

Or even more friendly, the Poo Powered Bus (and no, it is actually real, albeit not quite as "directly" powered as the pictures on it suggest).

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Anonymous Custard
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Mushroom

Re: Energy Efficiency

Or just pop your IoT shit into either of the above containers, take it to the nearest electrical recycling point and dump it there and be done with it?

Either that or along with this go out and buy a nice hefty club to fend off all your pissed-off neighbours whose wifi no longer works as it's suddenly flooded by all your noise.

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The watts in a box that kept West London's lights on

Anonymous Custard
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Re: Solution? RBMPG (Rodentia Based Micro Power Generation)

Good excuse for putting in a brand new company gym, with loads of excerise bikes and such subtly connected to a few dynamos?

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BOFH: Step into my office. Now take a deep breath

Anonymous Custard
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Re: Superb

Amen to that - too late for a cuppa and just slightly too early for a beer (although it is a nice sunny day outside, so maybe...).

Filled that awkward Friday afternoon gap nicely :)

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NASA shock: Flying saucer predicted over Hawaii on Wednesday

Anonymous Custard
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Re: Typical (Not really!)

And I think you mean "Elmer Phud", not Pontius Pilate.

Nah, Bob's on the money - just ask his mate Biggus Dickus.

For a wascally wabbit, you need a shotgun, not a wocket. We save those for chasing Woadwunners.

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Anonymous Custard
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Re: LOHAN on steroids

And of course don't have the FAA dicking them about and delaying everything...

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Anonymous Custard
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Joke

Splat?

Personally I still think it looks like a massive custard pie...

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Spaniards get that cinking feeling

Anonymous Custard
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Headmaster

Siesting and sofing

Come on, we have to reimport those two back into English usage over here too...

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One USB plug to rule them all? That's sensible, but no...

Anonymous Custard
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Headmaster

As the old saying goes...

The joy of standards are that there are so many to choose from...

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Chinese bloke escapes execution for Forbidden City nude photo shoot

Anonymous Custard
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Childcatcher

Re: Disgusting!

Not to mention her ankles - what would Queen Victoria think?

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Fanbois designing Windows 10 – where's it going to end?

Anonymous Custard
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A novel idea?

How about just making it user configurable and let us have the choice for how we want our own desktops? Even down to the manga wallpaper... :)

Or is too much choice deemed even worse than enforced choice for the poor guys who have to use the product?

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Intel adopts 40Gb per SECOND USB-C plug for Thunderbolt 3.0

Anonymous Custard
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Joke

Re: Over 4000?!

iWatch 2.0 with USB-C / Thunderbolt port?

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Anonymous Custard
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$$$$$$$$$$$

And of course the key question is how much are they going to sting people for the cabling etc, compared to the cost of standard USB C cabling or other competitor options like AMD's Lightning Bolt?

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LOHAN team preps PRATCHETT mission

Anonymous Custard
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Indeed, or at least paint it lilac and christen the box itself "Potent Voyager".

Anyway congrats to Alex, and pints all round to the team.

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ZX Spectrum 'Hobbit' revival sparks developer dispute

Anonymous Custard
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Big Brother

I just wonder..

are the pale bulbous eyes watching over them?

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NASA plots interplanetary cubesat swarms

Anonymous Custard
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Alien

Expect the unexpected?

https://youtu.be/giks4YQDMU0

Gerry Anderson got prophetic again 30-something years ago. If a martian space-witch turns up as part of the project, be very afraid (or send for Sergeant Major Zero ).

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Google DOG WHISTLING fails to send URLs across the room

Anonymous Custard
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Full circle?

So we've gone full circle now and are back to computing accompanied to tones similar to an acoustic coupler modem or a ZX Spectrum loading a game from tape?

Somehow nostalgia ain't what it used to be...

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Doom is BOOM! BOOM! BACK!

Anonymous Custard
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I see your shotgun, and raise you a chainsaw

...what looks to be a Super Shotgun, the weapon of choice for the artistic Doom player

Nah, the choice was always the chainsaw...

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Anonymous Custard
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Especially when coupled with IDKFA

Just says it all that I can remember both codes off the top of my head after 20-something years...

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ATTACK of the DINKY DRONES! US military creates ROBOTIC CARRIER PIGEON

Anonymous Custard
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Re: IP over Avian Carriers

I was thinking something similar - this could be the modern miltary update of the well-known but often underestimated mythological transfer rate of a car with a boot full of hard drives or similar media...

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Drone penetrates Virgin's shapely space arse

Anonymous Custard
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Joke

Re: Lady parts

Sounds like Miss Piggy...

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Anonymous Custard
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Joke

Re: Wedding pics

Would make a novel change from a toaster or set of towels I suppose.

Not sure the Bride may approve though, although would probably get the Groom's vote...

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BOFH: Getting to the brown, nutty heart of the water cooler matter

Anonymous Custard
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Re: Sir

Indeed, even brought to mind the classic spy spoof on the subject as well...

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Anonymous Custard
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And on a Friday afternoon too, perfect to keep you going until beer o'clock on POETS day.

All is right with the world for once...

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BUZZKILL. Honeybees are dying in DROVES - and here's a reason why

Anonymous Custard
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Headmaster

Simon uses bees to make cosmetics.

Simon uses bees to make cosmetics.

Wouldn't "bee sourced products" or suchlike be more accurate (as indeed it's how he puts it on his website)?

You make it sound like he's mashing up the bees themselves as ingredients to make his lotions and potions...

Still a worrying trend overall though, whichever way you look at it.

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Massive police 'heavy equipment' robot drags out suspect who hid inside television

Anonymous Custard
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Joke

This story was brought to you by...

I just love the sponsorship tagline I randomly got at the bottom of that story. It was beautifully appropriate that a piece about a guy being collared whilst hidden inside an old TV and then outed by a robot and stun grenades was underscored by the sponsor tagline:

"Sponsored: Flash storage for dummies"

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BILLION YEAR SECRETS of baking hellworld Mercury UNLOCKED by NASA probe crash

Anonymous Custard
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Boffin

Re: Yet another stunning achievement...

They regularly seem to be able to make these probes last far longer than envisaged.

Ah yes, they just engage the Scotty Principle.

To quote Star Trek III:

James T. Kirk: How much refit time before we can take her out again?

Montgomery Scott: Eight weeks, sir -- [Kirk opens his mouth] -- but ye don't have eight weeks, so I'll do it for ye in two.

James T. Kirk: Mr. Scott. Have you always multiplied your repair estimates by a factor of four?

Montgomery Scott: Certainly, sir. How else can I keep my reputation as a miracle worker?

James T. Kirk: [over the intercom] Your reputation is secure, Scotty.

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Extreme community policing: West Virginia crook pepper-sprays HIMSELF mid-robbery

Anonymous Custard
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Joke

Re: Full camo?

And then afterwards gone rollerblading, hang gliding or any number of other activities that they apparently let you do...

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Traumatised Reg SPB team barely survives movie unwatchablathon

Anonymous Custard
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Personally I found that having read the book before hand just made the film appear even more shite, and got it turned off and something better put on after about 10 minutes or so...

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Anonymous Custard
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Headmaster

Re: Needs more Cloverfield

Alright, one for Lester to consider and throw open to the commentards. How about we dream (if that's the right word) up the ultimate in fantasy "so bad they're terrible" movies? With categories like:

Leading Man

Leading Lady

Director

Supporting cast (human or otherwise)

Plot points/cliches/twists that must be included

Soundtrack (with extra points for cheesy but in-theme songs to include)

With extra credit for taking source material (books, real life events etc) that were good, respected and/or well known and then screwing them up by relocating them elsewhere or somehow similarly feeding them through a mincer...

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Anonymous Custard
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Re: Needs more Cloverfield

And at what point to we tell him that they're considering making a 5th one...?

One other question for debate - how bad would a film be which co-stars Ben Affleck and Shia LaBeouf?

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Why should I learn by ORAL tradition? Where's the DOCUMENTATION?

Anonymous Custard
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Re: Definition of " Expert" in any subject...

No, that's the definition of "Experienced".

The definition of "Expert" is someone who has learned from watching other people making all the mistakes.

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Anonymous Custard
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Re: Sorry if it's an obvious question, but...

Sounds very much like the "document management" system that our HR hive foisted on we humble minions a couple of years back. That said we kinda got our own back, as it seems that the HR drones are the only ones who know how to work the damn thing (they were the only ones in the office long enough to seemingly be worth training on it, the rest of us being too busy actually working and earning the company income) and can find anything. So if we lesser beings want something we now always just ring or email them and ask them to get it for us (and if it's something actually useful we of course then store it locally for easy re-use, thus defeating the whole point of the original system).

It's always fun to hear their wailing and gnashing of teeth when they moan about having to do it, even when we point out to them that it's the most time-efficient way of tackling the damn system by a factor of about 10x. But of course actually getting a system that works (and can intuitively be worked without similar rune-chanting to the article one) seems to be beyond them.

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Round Two in Sky vs Skype trademark scrap goes to Murdoch's men

Anonymous Custard
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Joke

Re: It appears (thanks to Apple)

He's probably running to catch the Clapham Omnibus...

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Anonymous Custard
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Re: Ask the person on the Clapham omnibus?

I shall await the legal papers, and defend my dessert-based monicker until at least lunchtime, or I get bored or something good comes on the TV ;)

But in the meantime, have an upvote too...

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Anonymous Custard
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Unfortunately it's going the other way - Lync is (or was) going to become Skype for Business...

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Anonymous Custard
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Re: I can't believe (well I can), but all the same...

True, but given the fees and salaries that are also involved, you do have to wonder in the end who comes out the winner in the end (unfortunately it isn't people like us).

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Anonymous Custard
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Re: Ask the person on the Clapham omnibus?

Since when does that matter to a lawyer on the make?

And who're you calling a coward?

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Anonymous Custard
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Re: Ask the person on the Clapham omnibus?

For their next trick, they're probably going to be targetting purveyors of large open metal building waste disposal units and those who sell playground rope-based toys enjoyed mainly by young girls, not to mention anyone caught selling shell-shaped prawn cocktail flavoured snacks.

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Anonymous Custard
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Joke

Rename?

Well they could always rename it Onepe to match OneDrive, or perhaps even something different like, oh I dunno, Lync? ;)

And the end line that "...calls to Skype ... were not returned" raised a much needed chuckle here at the end of a post-bank holiday catchup day.

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UK exam board wants kids to be able to Google answers

Anonymous Custard
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Re: Speaking as a parent....

Just remember, these are the people who may end up choosing your nursing home later on...

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Anonymous Custard
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Re: Google Translate

It would be interesting to know if doing so would actually allow a pass, given some of the weird and wonderful outpourings that can come from there (albeit more usually with Japanese or German original text, but sometimes French too).

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Anonymous Custard
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Headmaster

Plagarism?

So at what point do the answers stop being valid and start being just plagarised?

Or can you just write on your paper "See Wikipedia for details"? (although I admit there's a risk of not getting an actual correct answer in that case).

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Your new car will dob you in to the cops if you crash, decrees EU

Anonymous Custard
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Re: How many new cars don't have airbags in Europe?

I must admit I'm struggling to think of any make/model of brand new car today which doesn't have at least a drivers air bag of some sort as standard.

Can anybody shed light on such a vehicle on-sale in Europe today? Apparently they're only recommended in Europe (link) but are mandatory in the USA

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