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* Posts by El

104 posts • joined 24 Jul 2008

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Hard luck lads, todger size DOES matter: Official

El
Paris Hilton

Really?

They didn't provide evidence that ALL women find larger penises more attractive. They found evidence that a small group of Australian women do. I believe these are the same women that are statistically most likely to sleep with a bloke on the first date, too. Perhaps the results would be different with a more prudish sample group.

I'll admit that the results of this study likely actually DO apply to Paris Hilton...

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Curiosity's MYSTERY MARS find: NASA reveals THE TRUTH

El
Happy

Re: We Found Life!

Mmmm.... tasty!

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El
Thumb Up

I'm pretty sure they will conclude they found an authentic Martian sex stone... in other words, just another fucking rock!

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Wind power: Even worse than you thought

El

Could work in some situations

One of the windiest spots in the US, the Columbia Gorge, also happens to have a hydroelectric dam in the middle of it. Wind would make an excellent supplement to hydro if used to pump water from downstream back to up above the hydroelectric dam. Wind in conjunction with gas or coal fired plants doesn't help that much, because it does nothing to reduce the required peak capacity of the fossil fueled generators.

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Sex Party's down-under struggles with dominant Catholic priests

El
Jobs Halo

Touche

In the context of criticizing the Catholic church, the term "buggering" does seem much more appropriate, doesn't it?

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Natty Narwhal with Unity: Worst Ubuntu beta ever

El
Joke

Natty Narwhale already?!?

Did I miss the Masturbating Monkey release???

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Middle England chokes on Nice Baps

El
Paris Hilton

Ok

Here in the states, nobody seems to object to a burger chain calling themselves "In-n-out Burger", even despite most people's penchant for modifying the bumper stickers they give out to read "In-n-out Urge".

Paris 'cause whenever I see her I get an urge for a... burger?

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Apple's 'App Store trademark': A farce of Jobsian proportions

El
WTF?

I'm rushing to trademark the term "Crap Store"

But I'm afraid Apple will claim prior use!

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Sexy eco-bulb wins Design of the Year

El
Thumb Down

I wonder what the losers looked like?

Epic design fail, especially for lamps in which the shade clips onto the (round) bulb! Yes, like most CF bulbs, it wont fit into any of the fixtures in my house.

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Bloke with hammer fixes London's Olympic clock

El
Paris Hilton

While we're at it

Can they add a counter for counting up the cock-ups 'til opening day? I think 5 digits should suffice...

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Lady Gaga puts the squeeze on breast milk ice cream

El
Paris Hilton

It takes two to tangle

When one vapid twat sues another vapid twat, only the lawyers win. Grab a seat and pass the popcorn...

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El
Paris Hilton

Correct

Add HIV to the list of diseases that can be transmitted via breast milk. Of course, since human breast milk is quite expensive and hard to come by, I suspect this ice cream shop is simply lying about one of the main ingredients used...

Would you consume anything that came out of Paris's nipples?

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NASA scientist spies extraterrestrial life

El
Paris Hilton

Another possibility

These meteorites could have originated from the Earth itself, having been kicked up in a huge impact a billion years ago, e.g. the impact that theoretically created the moon.

Paris because she's an expert on huge impacts...

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Man found guilty of battery after ejaculating in co-worker's drink

El
Paris Hilton

"I think about my wife..."

If you're thinking about your wife when you get off, you might as well be doing it with your wife? Don't most men wank precisely because they DON'T want to think about their wife while getting off? Sure, he's just trying to preserve his marriage, bit I'd say run, don't walk, away from this lying wanker.

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Conviction overturned for abuse images bought from bookshop

El

Turn about is fair play

So sue the bitch for filing a false police report!

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NO-SH*T CURE FOR BALDNESS discovered by accident

El
Paris Hilton

Let's focus on the important things!

A cure for baldness is finally here? Can a pill to give me a bigger todger be far behind?

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El
Jobs Halo

Translation

Don not underestimate the purchasing power of men trying to get laid!

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Post-a-puppy woman hit with cruelty charges

El
Unhappy

Air Freighting dogs

Dogs shipped via airlines do get special handling, but cost $400 to $500. There was a case recently where someone shipped a furless cat in midwinter which contracted hypothermia and died due to the baggage workers taking to long to unload it from the plane. Being put into a cargo hold is a VERY traumatic experience for a pet.

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El

Not perfectly "safe".

There is generally a 5% to 10% fatality rate in shipping chicks. In fact, I think some chick hatcheries ship extra in each box to compensate for this.

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Photo loss blogger to Flickr: You're f*cking kidding

El
Paris Hilton

Idiots

Only a complete moron would believe anything that a marketing person says!

Paris 'cause her only talent is marketing herself.

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Passenger cleared after TSA checkpoint stare-down

El
Unhappy

Precisely the problem

For citizens, ignorance of the law is no excuse. Unfortunately, for police ignorance of the law IS a perfectly valid excuse! What incentive then to the police have to actually know the laws they are sworn to enforce?

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ACS:Law turns back on file-sharer court case

El

Bad analogy

As the owner of a registered vehicle, you can be reasonably expected to know who else was driving it. As the owner of an open wireless router, you have no way of knowing who else might be using it. I'm not sure it's ever been tested in court, but I believe the "I had an open wireless connection and I have no idea who downloaded that porn" is a valid affirmative defense.

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Scotland bans smut. What smut? Won't say

El
Paris Hilton

But...

Some people get turned on by flogging... will pictures of him being publicly flogged also be considered "extreme porn"? I'm pretty sure it wouldn't be consensual...

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Shaun the Sheep shorts to lure kids to Nintendo 3DS

El

Dollars, not pounds

It's being released in the states on March 27 for 249.99 USD, so unless the exchange rates have changed recently, £250 sounds a little steep.

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El
FAIL

On the bus?

Where exactly are they going to find a WiFi connection to stream video over whilst riding the bus?

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Shocked mum muzzles foul-mouthed toy mutt

El
Unhappy

Not the first time

I swear my daughter's Zhu Zhu pet says "Fuck you!", but it's kinda hard to prove...

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Yorks cops bust Bradford guinea pig farm

El
Pint

Check you assumptions

Jared Loughner smoked a lot of dope. I'm not sure the amount of deaths indirectly attributed to marijuana use can be assumed to be exactly zero. I also have personal experience from riding with stoned drivers that it makes them worse drivers while simultaneously convincing them that they are driving really well -- but then I suspect alcohol does that as well.

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El
Flame

Tempest in a teapot

Marijuana is worse for you per weight of substance smoked. In evaluating the health risks, it is generally assumed that pot smokers consume only a small fraction of the amount of burning weeds that tobacco smokers consume. If a pot smoker tried to keep up with a fag smoker on a puff-for-puff basis, they'd soon bear a striking resemblance to Ozzy Osborne.

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Windows 7 Phone glitch spews phantom data

El
Gates Halo

El

Wasn't NetBEUI originally designed by IBM as it's PC LAN protocol? I don't believe Microsoft should take all the credit for that monstrosity.

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DUI suspect was watching porn DVD

El
Happy

We have new winner

Never before in history has anyone been more deserving of the title "wanker" than this bloke!

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Google revives ‘network computer’ with dual-OS assault on MS

El

X terminals were poorly conceived

X made the client/server split in the wrong place, requiring all mouse input to go round trip to the server and back before giving feedback to the user. Ever try to draw something with that model on a slow network? Even dumb terminals/thin clients need to be able to perform programmed functionality locally.

If you're going to count AT&T Blit terminals as "Thin Clients", you might as well also include the venerable IBM 3270 terminals in that category as well.

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El
Heart

Why google

Users want to surf the web for porn without malicious software getting onto their machine. Windows can't handle that requirement because it is susceptible to attack, and IOS can't handle because it is controlled by a control freak who doesn't want his perfect product sullied by the availability of porn. That leaves google which may be able to deliver what users want. Whether or not they will be successful remains to be seen, but I think they have had a good track record in implementing new technologies so far (although Android has matured too slowly for my tastes.)

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El
FAIL

Proof that half the "user base" are complete idiots

"52 per cent of the total base really wanted a tablet running a Microsoft OS"

Microsoft OSes, and the applications that run on them, are designed for a WIMP (Window, Icon, Menu, Pointing device) interface. They are virtually impossible to use on a touchscreen device without a keyboard. So half the users don't get the fact that all their favorite apps are going to have to have the user interface completely redesigned anyway, thus there is zero benefit to their tablet running Windows!

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Apple patents glasses-free, multi-viewer 3D

El
Paris Hilton

Right

So it's good only for porn, then? Exactly what I would expect from Apple...

(But seriously, what are the limits on the number of people whose heads can be individually tracked and provided with unique stereoscopic images?)

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Playboy centrefold freaks out at 10,000 feet

El
Alien

Nightmare at 20,000 Feet

No, she saw a gremlin on the wing and was just going out to shoo it away!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nightmare_at_20,000_Feet

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El
Paris Hilton

I know!

It's hard to believe she passed all the intelligence tests necessary to become a centerfold! Oh, wait...

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US government recruits Paris Hilton

El
Paris Hilton

Word problem

Which has had more men in it, Paris Hilton or the Hilton in Paris?

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El
IT Angle

Average Americans

"The story claims the intent was to claim the Three Stooges represented typical life in America."

Wait... they don't?

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El
Paris Hilton

Not all airheads are blond

Kim Kardashian is living proof that brunettes can be airheads too!

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Now SEC piles into HP bribery probe

El
Unhappy

Great

8 million?!? Further evidence that I'm in the wrong line of work! How do I get a transfer to the procurement department?

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Cops cuff armed white supremacist in banana costume

El
Coat

Or as they call this in the States...

Just another normal Tuesday afternoon!

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PA school district avoids charges over webcam spy scandal

El
Unhappy

Unequal justice

My daughter got her pencil confiscated from her by her school bus driver when she was trying to do homework on the bus because "she might hurt someone with it". Later, the boy she was forced to sit next to was threatening to stab her with a nail-clipper, and the bus driver didn't care. Of course, the boys who were threatening her were white and she is black, but that doesn't mean there were any different standards of conduct depending on race...

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El
Unhappy

They can't

What makes you think they trusted them before? What alternative do they have? Homeschooling is only an option if one or more parents don't work for a living, and private schools cost a minimum of $10,000 per year in the states. If you don't send your kid to school, you go to jail. We never trusted them to begin with, but we simply have no choice but to continue to allow them to mistreat our children.

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El
Unhappy

Yep

That's how the US school system works: as long as you claim you're not a perv, you're allowed to do anything you want. It is only if you admit that you like looking at pictures of teens in various states of undress that you get into trouble. No, really, in any case of an accusation of inappropriate conduct by a school employee they simply take the employee's word for it that they did nothing wrong.

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Verizon demos 1Gbps over existing fiber network

El
Unhappy

Too little too late

Verizon already sold most of their land lines (including FiOS in many states) to Frontier. Why are they announcing this now?

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iPhone users get more sex than Android fans

El
Paris Hilton

Wrong conclusion

All this study really shows is that iPhone users are more enthusiastic imbibers down at the pub...

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El
Paris Hilton

Please go on

And how often is your spouse getting it, if you don't mind my asking?

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Women, gorillas likelier to have sex with men wearing red

El
Paris Hilton

No blokes

I think the tight red dress only works if you're female... of course, I could be completely misunderstanding the preferences of the Reg staff.

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Gizmodo editor reunited with seized goods

El

"Go Yankees" or "Yankees go home"?

My favorite Berra-ism has always been "Nobody goes there anymore; it's too crowded."

Are you rooting for the New York Yankees, or for 'Merkins in general?

For all you English non-baseball fans, Baseball is just like Cricket, except the games are a lot shorter 'cause the use a lot more steroids....

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Life on Earth gets wiped out every 27 million years, say boffins

El
Happy

Alternative explanation

The marker that scientists use to date fossils (Carbon 14 dating) follows a 27 million year cycle.

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