* Posts by Sarah Balfour

303 posts • joined 14 Apr 2007

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Why OH WHY did Blighty privatise EVERYTHING?

Sarah Balfour
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You fucking WHAT…?!

Virgin/CrossCountry (I know they're separate entities now but, as far as I'm concerned, they're one and the same) ranks alongside SE Rail as the WORST operator in the country. They NEVER lay on enough carriages and, several times, I've gone to find my reserved seats - only to find them already taken by people who've been given the SAME reserved seats! In fact, I've learnt that the only way to get a seat on a Virgin/CC train is to traipse up and down the aisles looking for reserved seats that haven't been taken up. I've had to stand all the way from Brum to Edinburgh Waverley. More than fucking once, and anyone tells me they've had one run to schedule, far as I'm concerned they're telling porkies. Three carriages for a cross-country journey is 50% fewer then there ought to be, in my opinion.

Oh and the bogs never work - or, if they ARE working, well you wouldn't want to use 'em anyway… one of those Brum to Edinburgh journeys didn't have ANY functioning kazis (and by 'any' I mean 'one', coz that's all there was). Well, let's put it this way, summer wasn't the only thing that was high…

Fuck knows what would happen if there was ever a fire - most trains I've been on have been so crammed that following safe evacuation procedure would have been impossible. Don't even want to think about it…

FGW and TransPennine are the best for service, though Chiltern's improved immeasurably.

Okay, rant over - Virgin/CC STINKS (and not just coz of the state of the facility).

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Who wants a classic ThinkPad with whizzy new hardware? Lenovo would just love to know

Sarah Balfour
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Re: I'm gonna get flamed for this...

"There's a reason Apple are No1…". Yes, love, it's called "advertising". Advertising to those who value style over substance and/or who have access to Daddy's gold MasterCard.

Being number 1 doesn't automatically mean you're any good - the 'music' charts are proof of that.

Have another down-vote for being a snivelling little whiny bitch.

Oh and don't let the name fool ya, I ain't female. Nor male. And I don't give a flying pig's posterior what ANYONE thinks of that!

Need 'whiny bitch' icon.

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So much for rainbows, Zuck: Facebook staff still overwhelmingly male and white

Sarah Balfour
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Here in Blighty, there seems to be another worrying trend - regional discrimination.

Seems that however well-qualified (in every sense) you are for a position, if you tick 1 - or more - of the following boxes, you'll be passed over:

Comprehensive school education

'Annoying' accent (Brummie and Scouse are considered the most annoying, apparently)

Working-class background

However, if you've a Home Counties RP accent, a grammar or public school education and are (upper) middle-class, then you're more likely to be hired, regardless of qualifications.

This seems to be especially true in the financial sector, particularly in the City, which could be why the banks went into meltdown - a load of posh twats who didn't have the first fucking clue what they were doing (whilst siphoning off funds on the side).

It's been going on for decades really (yes, before anyone says anything, I realise this post probably doesn't make much sense but, even though it's cooler today, I'm still suffering a particularly bad case of Troll Brain - I'm dreading Wednesday, it's rumoured it's gonna hit 32°, anything over 22 and I'm dead. I'm fully expecting my brain to literally melt and dribble out my ears…).

SJ tired. SJ sleep now.

So much for the Classless Society, eh…?

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Wake up, sheeple! If you ask Siri about 9/11 it will rat you out to the police!

Sarah Balfour
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There IS one thing I'd like to ask America…

WTF are you the only country on the planet to still use Fahrenheit…?! Oh and if you could make your imperial units the same as everyone else's imperial units, that'd be great…

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Sarah Balfour
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There are some nutters out there…

came across a guy on Twitter who fervently believes that…

NASA stole Noah's Ark under the cover of chemtrails because the U.S. Government didn't want the world finding out that it knew the location of Nibiru. Noah's Ark also had summat to do with 11/9, but I forget what.

Tinfoil straight jacket anyone…?

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Sarah Balfour
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There are 3 down-votes now - what the fuck else COULD it be…?! Morons.

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FLICK my FLINT and SNIFF my TREE on the streets of Naples

Sarah Balfour
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Re: Street vendors ...

ODWR:

http://wiki.lspace.org/mediawiki/Cut-Me-Own-Throat_Dibbler

As I'm shocked he's not been mentioned yet…

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Innocent Spaniards roasted by experimental napalm mead

Sarah Balfour
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Re: thats not a drink, its a sauce

Sounds more like Scumble to me

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Disk is dead, screeches Violin – and here's how it might happen

Sarah Balfour
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Initialisms, NOT acronyms…

…unless it can be pronounced as a word, it's NOT an acronym.

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Japanese female fish in sperm-producing strangeness

Sarah Balfour
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No. What you're referring to is sequential hermaphroditism where an organism, in this case a fish, is born one sex, and may change sex as the need arises usually, as you say, from female to male. This usually occurs in species where the two sexes are vastly different in appearance, with the female being much smaller and duller-coloured than the male. If the male should die, then the female will take on the physical appearance of the male and court just like any other male of that species. It's also a survival tactic, as males remain reproductively active far longer than females.

Oh fuck it, here's the wiki link! I'm too fucking splatted. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sequential_hermaphroditism

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Oh, shoppin’ HELL: I’m in the supermarket of the DAMNED

Sarah Balfour
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late to the party as always - but this is necessary…

http://youtu.be/Jf97Tshk0-c

He did canvas totes with 'Unexpected Item' on, but I went and feckin' lost mine!

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Is that a graphics driver on your shop's register – or a RAM-slurping bank card thief?

Sarah Balfour
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Re: So use ApplePay

Any mention of self-service checkouts anywhere, and posting this becomes obligatory

http://youtu.be/Jf97Tshk0-c

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WikiLeaks offers $100k for copies of the Trans-Pacific Partnership – big biz's secret govt pact

Sarah Balfour
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Re: Why is there an AC trying to derail the comments?

Genius…?! Hardly. Just your bog-standard, Teabagger-type fucktard. Move along, nothing to see here…

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Mac bug makes rootkit injection as easy as falling asleep

Sarah Balfour
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Easy as falling asleep…?

I'm an insomniac.

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It's not over 'til Saturn's spongy moon sings: Cassini probe set for final Hyperion fly-by

Sarah Balfour
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Re: Altogether now...

We get one in the loft every other year or so, the fuckers enter through a crack just above my bedroom window, and said windows, which are the originals, provide them with a steady supply of building material (they've destroyed the bottom of the middle frame.

Just over 4 years ago, my folks decided to extend the kitchen, knock down the old 'garage' (we called it a garage, though it wasn't the car-housing kind, more of a shed really), and create a proper utility room, plus replacing the garage with what they now call The Potting Shed). I have a very extreme reaction to wasp stings - not life-threateningly extreme, but when I'm stung the affected area takes WEEKS to return to normal.

Asked Dad to get Simon (their builder) to get one of his guys to fill in the crack. He wouldn't because "I can't see anything". Couple of years later, they pissed off to South Africa for a month, and I awoke one morning to a swarm on the landing. Thankfully, the time of year meant they were dying off, but I still had to call one of his golf mates (a Rentokil contractor) to deal with 'em.

A nest SANS wasps is, I'm sure you'll agree, a thing of immense beauty.

He's STILL not dealt with the crack, and I've heard buzzing up there…

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The rare metals debate: Only trace elements of sanity found

Sarah Balfour
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Baconium

when a Baconium mine is discovered, this will make sense. Tim, I'm sure you're a wonderful example of Homo sapiens, but your columns go right over my head, I'm afraid.

Still, bacon… Praise The Lard! All Hail The Divine Swine!

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Hardcore creationist finds 60-million-year-old fossils in backyard ... 'No, it hasn’t changed my mind about the Bible'

Sarah Balfour
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Facepalm

Re: Creation

That's always been my reaction when some fundie-creatard type demands I prove their God doesn't exist; if they want me to believe in their God, all they need do is take a selfie with him/her/it. Then I'll believe.

By the way, if you think YECs are insane, you've not met the Flat Young Earth geocentric creatards. I came across one on Twitter a while back that truly believed that monkey-faced orchids proved that animals came from plants.

The delicious irony was that one of these was Japanese.

Is there ANY way we can stop the morons from breeding…?! And then dump 'em on a remote island far away from anywhere they can do any (more) damage.

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Taming the Thames – The place that plugged London's Great Stink

Sarah Balfour
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Re: If only

Not forgetting Celine Dion.

Actually, let's just forget Celine Dion…

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Google's Cardboard 2.0 virtual reality device is a triumph for humanity, said no one sane, ever

Sarah Balfour
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All a bit Blue Peter, innit…?

"Today, we'll be showing you how to make your very own virtual reality headset. You'll need an empty cereal box, a 2p coin, a pen or pencil, double-sided sticky-tape, a craft knife, a couple of convex lenses, and Daddy's smartphone…"

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Google spins up 'FREE, unlimited' cloud photo storage 4 years before ad giant nixes it

Sarah Balfour
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Re: @ diodesign Nonplussed

Barmy, Lynn, Norfolk…? http://www.comedy.co.uk/guide/tv/im_alan_partridge/characters/

Methinks you meant 'balmy'…

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Beware Red Hat interviews: You'll pay for coffee, lunch and fuel

Sarah Balfour
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At the point he'd claimed to have forgotten his wallet, I'd have said "What a coincidence, so have I!", turned round and walked out. I'd not want to be employed by a company which saw me as easily exploitable.

Seems the thinking was, "If this guy's desperate enough for the job, he'll do anything".

I've never had a job.

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Windows and OS X are malware, claims Richard Stallman

Sarah Balfour
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Oi!

My grandad was a Dick!

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Sarah Balfour
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Online Indy's catching it up…

…not that I read it that much, but there was an article the other day where the authoring hack believed Reagan to have been president in 1961. In her defence, she DID look all of about 20, but there's not really any excuse for that kind of appallingly obvious error these days, is there (and, yes, she really DID mean 1961…).

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Putting your schlong into the reel-to-reel tape machine is a bad idea

Sarah Balfour
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Re: Either you photoshopped your current profile photo

So, when do ya officially turn into a reet miserable old bugger; obviously, being a Yorkshireman, you've been one since ya were spawned (hey, I'm from Sheffjeld, I can gat away with it - just…), but officially…?

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Milking cow shot dead by police 'while trying to escape'

Sarah Balfour
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Re: More senseless police violence

Oh burger off!

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Welsh police force fined £160,000 after losing sensitive video interview

Sarah Balfour
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Re: 2 copies

If they're identical, by definition you can only have a single original, anything after that's a copy!

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Reach for the popcorn: Obama opens personal presidential Twitter account

Sarah Balfour
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Re: POTUS

Actually, he's only the 43rd - Grover Cleveland server two unique terms.

Reg, I'm still waiting on that 'irritating pedant' icon.

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Time to get your babble on: Microsoft opens Skype Translator Preview to all comers

Sarah Balfour
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German is probably the worst…

As I MAY have mentioned before, I'm trying - and failing - to improve my German. The problem with Germans is that they tend to make things up as the go along, and it's basically the linguistic version of Lego (or perhaps Sticklebricks would be more accurate). Don't have a word for summat, just stick a couple together.

This means that many compound words, whilst being perfectly meaningful to a German are completely nonsensical to an English speaker, as the can only be translated as their constituent parts which, often, bear no relation to the meaning of the whole.

But, ironically, German can also be beautifully succinct; I love the word 'übermorgen' - literally, as you can probably guess 'over morning', which is German for 'the day after tomorrow' (for those not too au fait (oops! Gone French now!) there's no specific word in German for 'tomorrow'; guess they decided, with typical German efficiency that, as tomorrow never comes, they may as well just reuse 'morgen').

I'm not interested in SPEAKING German - fuck, I'm not particularly interested in speaking ENGLISH - but I'd love to improve my comprehension (66% of the bands I listen to write partly - or wholly - in German (even many of the ones who aren't from a German-speaking country)) and writing.

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GCHQ puts out open recruitment call for 'white hat' hackers

Sarah Balfour
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Re: Wages

You REALLY think the Tories are gonna pay a decent wage…?! What planet have you just beamed down from…?!

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Sarah Balfour
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Re: Wanted

"Morally flexible"…?! I'd have thought "those with morals/a conscience need not apply" was more accurate…

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Spotify springs bloody leak as losses grow to $197m – report

Sarah Balfour
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There's a reason I let my Spotify sub lapse…

…but, when I endeavour to explain it, no fucker understands, so I don't.

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SOD TABLETS, if you want to get anything done travelling get a ... yes, a LAPTOP

Sarah Balfour
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Unhappy

Re: Apple Crap again....

I tried Android, I really did, but I found it very frustrating. Don't ask me why, I just did. Guess it's what you're used to; I'd had iPods for years (I'm autistic, music is honestly the single most important thing in my life - how fucking pathetic is THAT…?!) and, as there's never been a 'Droid-based 'iPod', I'm a tad stuck.

I don't WANT a phone. Hate the fucking things. Fucking TERRIFIED of 'em.

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Sarah Balfour
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Re: The last thing I want to see

I, too, must profess to being double-top+ and with full literary faculties.

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Theresa May: Right, THIS time we're getting the Snoopers' Charter in

Sarah Balfour
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Re: now they have a "mandate to govern".

It wasn't PR up for debate, dumdumhead, it was AV, a system just as undemocratic as FPTP in my book. That's why I voted 'No'.

Anyway, it's a moot point, there are two issues that we'll NEVER be offered referenda on whilst we've a Tory government, one is PR, the other is the abolition of the monarchy.

Until this country becomes a republic, true democracy simply isn't possible, call me a 'tinfoil-hatted nutter', a 'swivel-eyed loon', whatever you like (I've had all that - and worse - on Twitter all day) but I can't understand WHY folk simply don't get that democracies DON'T have unelected heads of state and, if they manage to grasp THAT concept, I get "well it's only symbolic" - is it…? I mean is it, really…? If people REALLY believe that Betty and her tribe of inbreds have absolutely no influence on government WHATSOEVER, they need to stop/start taking the pills. Why was Chaz so chummy with Jimmy…? There've been paedophile allegations hanging over Bucky Pally almost as long as Savile was kiddie-fiddling, plus the allegations levelled at senior Tories. I know Chaz isn't exactly the full sovereign (in any sense, and something I HOPE he'll never get to be in the £1m hat sense), but I can't believe that he didn't know what Savile was up to - you can't be bezzie mates with someone and not know - is that why JS was gonged…? Or was that Maggie's decision alone…? They weren't exactly enemies, either.

If that makes me a fully-paid-up member of the David Icke fan club, then so be it - these days, I'm honestly past caring…

No party - nor indie - wants to address the issues I care about anyway (although there was that 'Cannabis Is Safer Than Alcohol' dude in Thurrock).

Rant over.

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Sarah Balfour
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Re: It's almost like...

Iceland or Finland. The Pirate Party now the majority party in the former, and the latter is regularly touted as the happiest country on Earth, and Helsinki the city with the happiest population. In fact, the more I read about Finland, the more I warm to it.

Too parky…? The criterion was no WARMER than Britain, you didn't say owt about COLDER.

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Crowdfunded ZX Spectrum revival just days from shipment

Sarah Balfour
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The Hobbit…?!

I NEVER finished that! Probably just extremely thick, but I NEVER fathomed what "A window is no obstacle to a thief with friends" meant (and why the fuck, over 30 years later, can I STILL recall that verbatim (at least I think it's verbatim…)…?!). Even reread the book, didn't help dumdum here…

I must have tried every verb-noun combo I could think of. Still couldn't escape.

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Shields up! Shields up! ASTRONAUTS flying to MARS will arrive BRAIN DAMAGED, boffins claim

Sarah Balfour
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Re: How to fix your Mars mission in 2 easy steps

As would I - but then I'm not a woman (nor a man). Please ignore the obvious gender of my name, it's meaningless. It's only there because I can't think of anything better.

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Sarah Balfour
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Re: Not really equivalent

The logical conclusion, therefore, being that the first colonists on Mars would have to be Clangers - right…?

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Apple in rinky-dink ink stink wristjob admission: Watch IS affected by TATTOOS

Sarah Balfour
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Correction

Dorset Knob, if you please.

SJ's filthy mind strikes again (from Wikipedia)

A Dorset knob throwing competition is held in the Dorset village of Cattistock every year on the first Sunday in May. The festival also includes such events as a knob and spoon race, knob darts, knob painting and guess the weight of the knob. The record throw of 29.4 metres (96 ft) was set in 2012.*

Wikipedia articles aren't supposed to make you PMSL - that's what Uncyclopedia's for.

*yes I know it's Wikipedia, but it's 100% true.

From the Beeb, on this year's festivities:.http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-dorset-32549090 - it's an innuendo writer's wet dream.

Evidently, the reporter isn't from - and has probably never been to - Dorset.

Happy Knob Day.

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What is Apple's idiot tax on Watch these days? 'About $265 or 80%'

Sarah Balfour
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Re: Oh God, more oxygen for IHS

Idiot. Seriously, though, I always thought it stood for 'innovative' or 'innovation', neither of which are even remotely applicable now.

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The Apple Watch: THROBBING STRAP-ON with a knurled knob

Sarah Balfour
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I notice

that the wrist wearing the job also has the adornments that no sane person over the age of about 25 would wear, so I'm assuming Adam is a greenhorn. He'll learn. What am I saying…?! I never have.

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Sarah Balfour
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Re: I don't get it

RELAXING…?! Not the way my dad and his mates play it ain't! Eventually someone's gonna get clobbered to death with a four wood and buried in a bunker - they're all 70+ now, so it's the usual arguments.

People have been shot for slow play in the States, y'know* - you don't fuck with golfers.

*my mum has a pen-friend in AZ, and an argument over slow play at her hubby's club turned nasty when a one of the agitators pulled out a pistol and shot the other in both legs.

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Sarah Balfour
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FAIL

Re: "objectively gorgeous"

Down-voted, as evidently you've as much knowledge of the meaning of 'tautology' as the person to whom you're responding does of 'oxymoron'.

Tautology = denoting the same - "beautifully gorgeous" would be tautology. Other examples would be 'Gorilla gorilla' the Western Gorilla, and 'Gorilla gorilla gorilla', the Western Lowland Gorilla, although these are more accurately, and correctly, called 'tautonyms'.

Oxymoron = juxtaposition of contradictory words, for example 'creation science'. Oxymoron itself, Late Latin via Ancient Greek, means 'keen-dull' or 'sharp-stupid', making it an oxymoron.

I've responded to 4 threads this morning - and all I've done is be pedantic. Maybe that's all I'm good for…

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Sarah Balfour
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Re: Health is touted as the Watch’s killer app

What's that about never a truer word than is spoken in jest…? It isn't, seriously. The Second Law of Thermodynamics doesn't apply to Homo sapiens, and overdoing things - cardio I'm referring to here - will cause the catabolism of lean muscle, rather than flab, because muscle is more readily turned into an energy source, a process known as 'gluconeogenesis', this happens with all forms of protein, not just your own muscle (which is technically meat, after all…).

However, if you restrict the carbs you eat, and switch your diet from high-carb to high-fat, you can 'reset' your body to burning fat as fuel, rather than glucose, thus forcing it to burn your own fuel reserves.

Doing it the NHS way, eating a LFHC diet and slogging it out at the gym, or on the street, all you're doing is 'burning' off what you've eaten, thus causing a massive drop in blood-sugar, which causes the release of both grehlin (the 'hunger hormone') and insulin (the 'body-fat creation' hormone as it should more accurately be termed). Chronic cardio also causes the release of cortisol (which I'm sure most know as 'the stress hormone') and, because cortisol has no way of knowing what the stressor is, it covers all eventualities - one of those being famine, and so eating after you've been to the gym will cause most of the carbs you've eaten to be converted to body fat. This is the reason why LFHC diets fail 100% of the time (it's IMPOSSIBLE to drop body fat eating LFHC because you're replenishing it the whole time; you may lose WEIGHT, but most of that will be catabolised muscle).

Eating LCHF breaks the chain as fat doesn't cause insulin release. No insulin release = no storage.

Over 24 stone says I'm not talking out my arse. Did it the NHS way, shot from 24 stone to 32. Did it the right way, dropped from 32 to 7.5. Like I've said before, obesity is a food intolerance. Thing is, nobody believes me because the notion of a high-fat diet being even remotely healthy is lunacy.

Sadly, the flab-bags I REALLY wanted to lose are still there, stubbornly attached to my chest. Losing weight unfortunately DOES NOT cause boob-loss. Moob loss is a different matter.

As I can't afford surgery, guess I'm stuck with the useless sacks of shit. Perhaps I could offer them to Katie Price as 'natural silicone'.

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Eco-loons hack Thirty Meter Telescope website to help the 'natives'

Sarah Balfour
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Re: What do ecoloons and ISIS have in common?

Drop dead, you ignorant fucktard! What about the rights of First Nations…?

Evidently, the bitter irony of the fact that, in order to search for life on other planets, we feel the need to destroy much of what remains on this, is lost on everyone but myself and the Spaniel.

If a telescope the size of 4.5 footie pitches is REALLY necessary, go build it in the desert, surely with the advancements in tech we've got now, keeping sand out the workings should be trivial.

If it's 'hippy' to want to protect what unspoilt ecosystems remain for future generations, and to treat indigenous and First Nations' people with respect, dignity and equality, then I'm guilty as charged - and fucking proud of it!

Pave paradise and put up a 100ft telescope…?! Fuck off!

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Surgery-bot can be hacked to HACK YOU TO PIECES

Sarah Balfour
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Re: a doctor writes

Downvoted for incorrect use of 'acronym' - that's an initialism.

Acronym: derived from the Greek 'Akron' - tip, summit, peak and 'nym'.

Fuck not given if this gets a down-vote.

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Acer: 'We will be the last man standing in the PC industry'

Sarah Balfour
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Pirate

Re: Free upgrade

Acer'll upgrade me…?! Could use an update, definitely need more RAM, and a new CPU wouldn't go amiss, either.

I'm old. In less than 3 weeks' time, I'll be another year closer to ancient.

The only living being that gives a shit is the cat from number 40 - and that's only coz I made the fatal mistake of giving him some chicken once.

Cats. They're mercenary little shits, but… actually, but nothing, they're just mercenary little shits.

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Apple Watch RIPPED APART, its GUTS EXPOSED to hungry Vultures

Sarah Balfour
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there needs to be a 'filthy mind' icon (although I expect I'd be the only one using it)

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Apple Watch shipments: Pick a number, double it. Hey, it worked for them

Sarah Balfour
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Re: What is the Nerdyist watch, ever?

We weren't allowed watches at school, because jewellery of any type was banned (unless it was a crucifix).

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Digital killed the radio star: Norway names FM switchoff date

Sarah Balfour
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Feck!

An article about Norway, and things which are easing to be and I can't fathom out how to bring parrots into the conversation.

I'm slacking.

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