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* Posts by Shady

158 posts • joined 11 Apr 2008

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Samsung files patent for ear-mounted Google Glass competitor

Shady

So after Glassholes we now have

Eartards?

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BEHOLD the HOLY GRAIL of TECH: The REVERSIBLE USB plug

Shady

Now if we can just rid the world of....

... 3 pin power supplies where the captive cable comes out of the top of the plug instead of the bottom.

And hang, draw, quarter and piss on the graves of the motherf*king w*nkstains who thought that was a great design.

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ITU given keys to autonomous car standards process

Shady
Black Helicopters

Re: It's not their party

I don't know - on UK roads approximately 1 death for every two million miles driven doesn't sound that bad - unless you end up being that "1".

On seconds thoughts, I'm currently covering 30,000 miles per year, so I'm odds on to kill someone (possibly myself) with 20 odd years of driving behind me and 30 ahead of me.

Yeah, you're right.

(That's an Air Ambulance, BTW)

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Women! You too can be 'cool' and 'fun' if you work in tech!

Shady

Sorry petal...

... the cool and fun bit bolted a while back.

You should've been quicker, luv.

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Hey, MoJ, we're not your Buddi: Brit firm abandons 'frustrating' crim-tagging contract

Shady

£1 billion for tags?

It would be cheaper to just stick the bad guys in the slammer.

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Mac Pro fanbois can rack 'em and stack 'em like real sysadmins

Shady
Trollface

"I'll admit I'm not much of an Apple fan and try not to bash, but seriously what's the point of this? What advantage does this give you over 6U of boxes?"

A free ad in El Reg?

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Play.com tech titan snaps up 'VoIP-tastic WhatsApp' firm Viber

Shady

Absolutely. Play used to be my 100% exclusive go-to place for CD's, games & DVD's. Since Rakuten took over and turned it Yet Another Marketplace I've bought one single solitary item from them - and only because I failed to find it anywhere else. (a very particular edition of the Likely Lads, if you must know).

Over the years I've placed approximately £6,000 of orders on Play.com before Rakuten screwed it up - most of that money is now going to Amazon and Apple (eww), as much as I hate to admit it.

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Baby's got the bends: LG's D958 G Flex Android smartie

Shady

Re: Does it come in a range of bendiness?

I no longer fancy the thought of buying an ex-demo for a few quid cheaper

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EE rolls out Brightbox fix... but it WON'T stop packet sniffers, DNS meddlers – infosec bod

Shady

Fantastic

Can they now rollout working 4G? Seeing as I'm paying for that and despite living in Nottingham and working in Sheffield (both 4G cities), haven't actually seen a 4G signal in 8 months.

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Virgin Media's flaky broadband network turns Bolton off

Shady

Re: Borged by Liberty

With my service it's the audio on CTV channels. And it whenever it drops out, it is coincidently *always* during an important part of the dialogue.

And as for On-Demand?

Browse films.

Pick a film

Pay for film

Only *then* do I get the message "On demand is unavailable - oversubscribed" (or some such - and I'm the only person on the street with VM)

Then I have to phone VM and ask for my money back, because they've already added it to the bill.

"But you can watch the film anytime in the next 48 hours" they reply,

Then I want to sigh down the phone. "you fucking worthless cretin - do you not understand the concept of 'on-demand?' Do you not understand that I've opened a bottle of wine, sat down with the missus, the kid has gone to sleep at a reasonable hour for the first time in a fucking month and I won't get this opportunity again for another month? Why can't your piece of shit set-top box just not tell me I can't watch a film BEFORE you've fucking billed me for it?"

But I bite my tongue because I'm far too reasonable for my own blood pressure, and ask again nicely

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Shady

Should have purchased...

... the reliability bolt-on...

Sorry

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Think British weather is bad? It's nothing to this WOBBLY ALIEN planet

Shady

Whereas our weather...

...currently resembles that of LV-426

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Apple seeks patent for mood-sensing technology

Shady
Trollface

How apple engineers plan to implement

if(device.rebrander == brands.apple)

{

mood = "sense of overwhelming superiority, joy, and happiness approaching sexual nirvana"

}

else

{

mood = "sexually inadequate, anorak wearing loser with nasal hair and BO"

}

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Microsoft yanks Surface 2 DIM SCREEN of DEATH fix in update snafu

Shady
Megaphone

With Surfaces potentially going under Christmas trees this season....

"I TOLD YOU I WANTED AN IPAD!!!!!!" WAH!!!!!!

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Google Glass pics will BAFFLE admirers: Nudge nudge, WINK WINK

Shady

That's an awful lot of accidental purchases and lawsuits just waiting to happen

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Go on, buy Bitcoin. But DON'T say we didn't WARN YOU

Shady

It is panto season....

... oh yes they can! (but they shouldn't)

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Drobo tarts up storage boxen: Now they're APP SERVER platforms

Shady
Trollface

This advertorial....

...was bought to you by Drobo - proud sponsors of The Register

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What you need to know about moving to the Azure public cloud

Shady

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT MOVING TO THE AZURE PUBLIC CLOUD

Plan for downtime about once a week because of

1) DNS cockup*

2) Routing cockup*

3) SSL Certificate cockup*

* Delete as applicable. Or not.

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eBay head honcho: Amazon drone delivery plan is 'FANTASY'

Shady

At last...

... a retailer other than Amazon has managed to generate some free publicity...

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Blighty could put a (WO)MAN on MARS by 2040, says sci minister

Shady

Please!"

Let it be Harriet Harman!

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It's true, the START MENU is coming BACK to Windows 8, hiss sources

Shady

At this rate...

... Windows 8 will be *almost* as good as Windows 7 by 2025

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If you want an IT job you'll need more than a degree, say top techies

Shady

Re: Do I need to explain

They don't pay any VAT, just like any other business that is VAT registered (flat rate excepted) . They only pass on the VAT that we pay.

Employers contributions are almost negligible when the majority of the workforce are barely above the minimum wage (an employee has to work approximately 19 hours per week at the minimum wage before Employer contributions would kick in).

And they probably got a decent business rate concession from the local council in order to bring "jobs" to the local economy, and it wouldn't surprise me if they got a grant from local gov. to help with the cost of building the warehouse.

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4G networks are BIG TIME SUCK for us videogame-obsessed Brits

Shady

Be nice if I could even get 4G

I spend my time flitting between Nottingham and Sheffield. According to EE I have good 4G coverage, but according to me, I haven't even seen a 4G signal once in three months. Only the fact that I've been so overworked that I haven't had time to watch cat videos has stopped me from complaining about it.

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Lead ONTO your pencil: Bill Gates pours cash into graphene condoms

Shady

To paraphrase

The ability to hold back 640ml should be enough for anyone.

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Digital deviants: The many MAD COMPUTERS of Doctor Who

Shady

The Doctor needs the BOFH as a companion

Although who gets to be the Alpha Male in that partnership could lead to much hilarity

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Virgin Media only puts limited limits on its Unlimited service

Shady

Re: Why the hell...

I live on a new-build housing estate - and I live in the only household that has any VM subscriptions of any kind. It's like I've got the internet to myself.

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FoundationDB ACID-lovers price up NoSQL database

Shady
Paris Hilton

"the company is not quite sure what will happen when the database goes over 100TB in size" - dammit, I'm not risking my porn stash with that thing then.

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Weary quid-a-day nosh hack fears colonal mass ejection

Shady
Facepalm

Re: I predict

You utter knob - my check-in buddy just had to perform the hind-lick maneouvre on me after I snorted my cornflakes.

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Oi, Microsoft, where's my effin' toolbar gone?

Shady
Windows

Non-spoonerism?

My son is terrified of the Four Foot Snake living inside my PC

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Twin brothers nabbed for scrap over sex with 'shared' girlfriend

Shady
Stop

Re: IT angle?

Or overflow?

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Help-desk hell

Shady
FAIL

It's this big

My brother was trying to copy a file onto a floppy disk on my old Amiga, and came to me because it wouldn't work.

"Well, how big is the file?" I asked

"About this big" he replied in all seriousness, holding up thumb and forefinger.

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Google expects Apple to block its not crap iOS maps app

Shady
Unhappy

Re: If Apple don't

Because this just does not work as well as a native app. My wife was pissed when IOS6 removed the native youtube app (I "accidentally" installed IOS6) - as being visually impaired she uses voiceover to set the ipad up for our son, who is autistic and has dyspraxia - and he can't cope with the web-shortcut approach either. Both general usability and voiceover are just that bit shitter on websites than on a well written native app. One family, two edge cases, but not insignificant ones. Personally, as someone with neither dyspraxia, autism or visual impairment, I think IOS6 is shit compared to IOS5, as soon as I can be arsed I will roll it back.

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Microsoft Surface popped open, poked, prodded

Shady
Megaphone

WTF is Mauve?

Pale Violet with a Trace of Mauve - seriously - WTF? Is this Woman's Own? Knitting Monthly? Real men - even IT "men" - don't do "Pale Violet with a Trace of Mauve". Everything is red, orange, yellow, green, blue or purple. Or brown (as in alert), Violet we can just about comprehend but not fucking Mauve. It's a made up colour for girls, like Cerise or Bisque (look - I'm married. My wife bandies these "colours" around *a lot* and expects me to know them too. I just nod and agree, otherwise I'll get angry, then she'll get angry and before you know it I'm sleeping on the couch - sorry, settee - again). If you have to give it a name call it Magenta - at least the printer guys will know what the fuck you are on about.

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Microsoft Halo 4 launch countdown continues as game leaks online

Shady
Trollface

Gah!!

Two discs? They could at least have offered an HD-DVD version....

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That horrendous iPhone empurplement - you're holding it wrong

Shady
Joke

It's not a fault...

... it's Instagram, implemented in hardware so it can't be switched off

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Apple drones reject American drone-strike tracker app

Shady
Mushroom

Apple first complained his app, Drones+, wasn't useful

From the first firm to approve a fart app on a smart phone

<-- what happens when you light one of my farts

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Windows 8: Microsoft's tablet-desktop still painful to swallow

Shady

Re: 438 per cent better, but that is for drawing rectangles

Yes, - but are they rectangles with rounded corners?

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Scribe's mobe, MacBook pwned after hacker 'fast-talked Apple support'

Shady
Windows

RE: @"Apple had not returned a request for comment at the time of publication. ®"

It's part of El Reg's page template

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Microsoft launches its own 'so.cl' network

Shady

Re: so.cl???

I read it as an abbreviation of "so-called" network

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'Dated and cheesy' Aero ripped from Windows 8

Shady
Coat

Don't worry about it

Someone will publish an aero overlay, sooner or later. I'm off to buy a few shares in Stardock

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Crooks sell skint fanbois potatoes instead of iPhones

Shady
Joke

Because they're cheap as chips? Sorry.

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NAO: 1 in 5 of Whitehall's mega projects at risk of failure

Shady
Coffee/keyboard

Re: I'll be shocked

Could be that the other four projects have already failed. Semantically, their statement would still be correct and free of lies.

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Hanging's too good for 'em - so what do you suggest?

Shady

Re: Prison 101

I've been married twenty years so I'm something of an expert. And my wife doesn't know "Shady" is my pseudonym so there's no risk of bodily harm

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Shady
Stop

Make them code...

...a "Jurassic Park" scale application in Visual Studio 11 Beta. For added cruelty, display a picture on their desk of what Visual Studio used to look like before metro.

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Shady
Pint

Re: Prison 101

We'll see you locked up with Jo Brand then

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Japanese bank palms off customers with biometric ATMs

Shady
Joke

Could be worse

Might have used a Kinect to identify you. "Dance like a bell-end to confirm your identity. Wave arms frantically if you want £10. Do a jig for £20"

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Sweden: talk, text and drive? OK

Shady
Joke

They all drives Saab's and Volvo's...

...so no one will get hurt anyway

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Coders' 'lives sucked out' by black-and-white Visual Studio 11

Shady
Pint

Re: wussies

Carry on using Vi then, Linus! (had one too many at lunch)

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Shady
Unhappy

When I tried the VS11 beta...

...I felt like I'd just upgraded from my Amstrad PCW 8256.

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