* Posts by Simon Millard

45 posts • joined 11 Apr 2007

Blake's Seven Returns

Simon Millard

Re-defining the everyday object

I am a bit of a blakes 7 fan and have all of the episodes.

I just love the way they give fancy names: A graphite writing stick? A pencil

In once episode, they tried to make a drill futuristic by putting some chevron tape on the chuck so when it rotated, it made a pretty pattern.

Bless

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Jokes of no more than 2 lines

Simon Millard
Coat

Festive

Doctor, Doctor, I've got a mince pie stuck in my bum.

No worry's, I've got some cream for that.

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Tea deathmatch?

Simon Millard

Re: Tea deathmatch?

You cant beat a good strong cup of Yorkshire Team.

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FAIL - the most incompetent IT pros

Simon Millard

Cream Cake Anyone

Back in the days of old, I did some works experience in a City Councils computer ops suite. It was my first experience of an air conditioned envrionment.

A week into this placement, one of the secretaries was arranging a farewell party and though as it was nice and cool.

Does anyone remember removable disk pack? This lady decided to plonk a gateux on top of one of these units without realising exactly why there is air conditioning. The gateux decided to "dissolve" all over the drive unit. What a mess.

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Space: 1999 returning to TV?

Simon Millard
Facepalm

Id's

I could never work out why they needed photo id's - especially Maya!

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BT Tower falls over, crushes X Factor hopefuls

Simon Millard

Andrew Lloyd-Webber has written a musical about Frankie Coke-Coza. It's called Superstar - Jesus Christ!

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So, what's the best sci-fi film never made?

Simon Millard
Alien

It's has to be..

Fobidden Planet - and don't call me Shirley!

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Spurned nonagenarian lets rip with semi-automatic

Simon Millard

noo....

She's got a moustache........

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Council busts breast milk ice cream parlour

Simon Millard
Black Helicopters

Cows Milk Screening

Cow's milk is tested as part of the milking process. If there are signs of infection or blood in the milk, then it is automatically dumped.

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Doctor Who co-star Nicholas Courtney dies at 81

Simon Millard
Grenade

Brigadier Quotes

Mordred: My Mother will destroy you!

Brigadier: Just between you and me, Mordred, I'm getting a little tired of hearing about your mother

Brigadier Lethbridge-Stewart: Not this time, Doctor. Armour-Piercing, solid core with a Teflon coating; go through a Dalek.

The Doctor: A non-stick bullet.

Brigadier Lethbridge-Stewart: UNIT's been very busy, Doctor. We've also got high-explosive rounds for Yeti's and very efficient armour-piercing rounds for robots. And we've even got gold-tipped bullets for you-know-what.

The Doctor: No silver?

Brigadier Lethbridge-Stewart: Silver bullets?

The Doctor: Well, you never know...

Brigadier Lethbridge-Stewart: Sergeant, Have we any Silver Bullets?

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Cobol cabal will take over THE WORLD Australia

Simon Millard
Headmaster

Ah yes, I remember it well

I loved COBOL coding. Could never remember how to spell Enviroment - sorry environment division the first time round and could work out why it would compile.

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DEC founder Ken Olsen is dead

Simon Millard
Go

Tape Towers

Anyone remember upgrading MicroVax's with a tower of TK50 tapes?

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Apple eyes kill switch for jailbroken iPhones

Simon Millard

Apple doing a Microsoft

Isn't Apple doing the same as microsoft did with Internet Explorer?

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UK.gov pledges licence fee 'rethink' over heavy catch-up use

Simon Millard

Let me get this straight..

You need to have a TV licence to watch live tv. But...people are moving to watching catchup TV which doesn't need a licence. The powers that be have realised that their income stream is drying out. Now they are thinking of licencing any form of streaming video?

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NHS spunks £7.5k on porn room

Simon Millard
Coat

Question?

Do they have lino or carpet on the floor?

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Simon Millard
Black Helicopters

euwww

I suppose after a few punters have been through the cubicles, it would be hard to open the mags.

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Lindsay Lohan: The interactive court drama

Simon Millard
Paris Hilton

It's making my cry..

.. with tears of laughter!!

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Gov hits brakes on vetting scheme

Simon Millard
FAIL

Only useful...

...if a person has been caught.

If you don't get caught, you won't be reported on.

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Quit Facebook Day flops

Simon Millard
Unhappy

Where's my invite

I didn't get a facebook invite to this

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Ticket site sorry for pisspoor password wrong

Simon Millard
Happy

Thank You

This story brightened up my day.

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Jobcentre ejects Jedi Knight

Simon Millard
Joke

Perhaps he should..

use the force to find a job.

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NASA finds cocaine in Space Shuttle hangar

Simon Millard
Alien

It's a

Cheaper way of getting into orbit!

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Serial slurry fetish man jailed again

Simon Millard
Boffin

Prints

Living in the locality to the farm, it was quite funny to hear, but not for the land owner, that a water trough was filled with manure. The farmer found both buttock and hand prints as well as numerous discarded tissues.

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Barclays computers suffer Monday morning meltdown

Simon Millard
Grenade

Retail vs Business

Being an ex-Barclays IT Guy, I was told, on numerous occasion, that Bracleys aren't that interested in the retail side of banking. Private, Business and International were the money makers.

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Doctor Who fans name best episode ever

Simon Millard

E-Space Trilogy

Just bought and watched the E-Space Trilogy. Full Circle was interesting, the deciders reminded me of some of the managers I work with. State of Decay was a bit lame. I first heard this on Audio Tape and was much scarier. Warriors Gate had an awful lot of bad acting and maniacal laughing in it.

People also need to remember that at the time time of broadcast, the TV SFx were cutting egde. Dr Who was the first TV serial to use CSO and boy, was some of it crap - Underworld in particular.

I'm glad that Talons is in the top 10 as it is my favourite, but the Key to Time Saga was an excellent season.

People also have to remember that Dr. Who has been going on for 46 years, not 4.

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It shouldn't happen to a vetting database

Simon Millard
FAIL

Not worth The Paper their Printed On

There are a couple of problems with CRB's and Vetting lists.

1. Like MOT's they only give a statement of the data for the day the search/recording is carried out.

2. If you've been naughty, but haven't been caught, nothing will show.

I'm a scout leader and have to renew my E-CRB every 5 years.

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Barclays to lay off more tech staff

Simon Millard

Bunch of Clowns

I used to work for "Barclays Technical Services" and I had two managers! One to manage my workload and the other for *cough* pastoral care - wtf!

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Darth Vader tops movie misquote poll

Simon Millard
Flame

Steenken Badges

I thought this was from Blazing Saddles?

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Brit, French nuke subs collide - fail to 'see' each other

Simon Millard

It's obvious

The English were sailing on the left. The French were sailing on the right. They were bound to hit each other.

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M42 closed by marshmallows and beer

Simon Millard
Happy

Hmmmm

A police spokesman said "Yum Yum"

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BOFH: The paperless cafeteria

Simon Millard
Black Helicopters

ooh

Should have replaced the loo rolls with sandpaper so the bean counters can take the rough with the smooth!

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Concrete-jet 'printers' to build houses, Moonbases in hours

Simon Millard
Happy

Refilling

And when it runs out of concrete, it'll be cheaper to buy a new printer

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Portsmouth Historic Dockyard: Further poster outrage

Simon Millard

Captain Pugwash

It's Roger the Cabin Boy - ooh!

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BBC to 'reimagine' The Thirty-nine Steps

Simon Millard

Donuts?

Don't forget the version with Robert Donat. And I'm sure there was a fourth.

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Cornish lingo gets standard written form

Simon Millard

proper job

Send them all to Porthemmet

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BOFH: The PFY's comeuppance

Simon Millard
Flame

Fssttt

I nearly fell of my chair laughing

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NHS IT four years late and over budget

Simon Millard

Choose & Book....

only works on Internet Explorer v6

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Richard Branson dupes entire wireless industry with Google on Mars gag

Simon Millard
Coat

The Restaurant at the End of the Universe

Perhaps this will be the infamous B Ark.

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BBC Micro creators meet to TRACE machine's legacy

Simon Millard
Coat

Hacking the User Port

In 1984, whilst attending Portsmouth ITeC, I built an interface to connect a BBC to a Commodore PET - how sad is that.

It worked though and allowed me to print from the BBC to the printer attached to the PET via the IEEE-488 bus. Crikey, how the memories flood back.

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Clarkson's 'steal my ID' stunt backfires

Simon Millard
Joke

Pillock!

A sort code and account number is not enough. Add the name and address and Robert's your mothers brother!

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Apple targeted in DRM monopoly suit (again)

Simon Millard
Thumb Down

Why bother?

If she wanted to play Microsoft format media files then why didn't she buy a better "mp3" player? Not one that would only work with one type of media file.

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BOFH: Spreading the festive cheer

Simon Millard

Recycle for Christmas

Love the chocolate topping. We have a christmas card that is stuck on our wall. We just cross out Christmas in Happy Christmas and substitute our own holiday season. A perpetual celebration card for want of a better term!

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Remembering the Commodore PET 2001

Simon Millard
Thumb Up

Those were the days

I learnt to program in Basic and Comal on one of these beauties when I did my YTS at Portsmouth ITeC.

It had a IEEE488 bus with 5¼" disk drive.

I wrote a snazzy, text graphical, fruit machine simulator with it

Tho' if you hit return at the READY. form, it did throw a "Can't read Y." error message.

Class!

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BOFH: Computer room deluge

Simon Millard

I've had the waders out

In the computer room at a certain Portsmouth Hospital, the engineers had contrived to put the overflow pipe from the air handling units at an angle - upwards.

I may be known a miracle worker, but even I can't get water to flow up-hill.

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Boy Scouts to model for UK ID checks

Simon Millard

Scouts and change of appointment

Most of the recent cases of abuse are by those people who have got valid CRB's but have not been caught.

If I change my role, current a Beaver Scout Leader to, for example, a Cub Scout Leader, then, not only will I need to apply for a new warrant, I would also need to be re-CRB'd.

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