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* Posts by Mark Lockwood

75 posts • joined 8 Aug 2006

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Dell intros restyled biz laptops

Mark Lockwood
FAIL

Biz?

Anyone who orders a business laptop in beige needs a good talking to with a cattle prod

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Vote, vote, vote for Barbie the computer engineer

Mark Lockwood
Coat

No need for a title

Surely we need a BOFH Barbie, complete with cattle prod

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Fifty Strikes and… we'll tell your Mum

Mark Lockwood

The problem with Lib Dem election promises

Is that they are more like election dreams.

They may as well say they'll give each voter a free unicorn once they get elected for all the good it will do them.

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The return of the Psion-sized PC

Mark Lockwood
Go

That's not a Psion rip off

It's a Toshiba Libretto. Takes me back to the 90's though. Happy days

http://www.squit.co.uk/computers/photos/libretto.jpg

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Designers detail the cars of 2030

Mark Lockwood
FAIL

Oi, Car Designers

Where's my flying car? And where's my flying car icon gone?

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Melting ice sheets create new carbon sink, say boffins

Mark Lockwood
Boffin

Universial Scientific Measures

Good to see that we are still using Wales as the size of things as it is clearly a convenient measure. But how many times will 12.8 megatonnes of carbon fit into Wembley stadium, and how many Routemaster buses will create such an amount. Inquisitive minds demand to know

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UK telly in coke blizzard shock

Mark Lockwood
Troll

It's clearly a new phenomenon

This never went on 20 years ago. Things like Jamie and his Magic Torch and Chorlton and the Wheelies were obviously created by someone with a sober head

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Wikileaks publishes BNP 'member list' (again)

Mark Lockwood
Badgers

Shamlessly stolen from The Now Show

Showing national distaste for the BNP is getting us now where, no body likes them and they don't care and all that.

What we need to do is all join the BNP, vote Sir Trevor McDonald in as leader and change their name to something silly like Badgers, Not Potatoes.

That'd shut them up

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Italian Job sat nav driver cops £900 fine

Mark Lockwood
Flame

This doesn't surprise me

He's a BMW driver. I have it on good authority that the next versions of the 5 series will come without an indicator control, as they are never used in the current models

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T-Orange: How it's going to work

Mark Lockwood
FAIL

37% of the market

Unless they pay some serious bungs, there's not a snowballs chance that this will get through the Monopoly & Merger Commission.

Slow news day

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Labour calls for free Wi-Fi on trains

Mark Lockwood
Troll

Innovative Ideas

I have one for them. How about a clean, reliable service that doesn't cost the earth.

Until then, I'll stick to the car, thanks

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Lightning-gun tech 'approaching weaponisation'

Mark Lockwood
Boffin

I hear SkyNet calling

Linking this to the "Scientists ponder rules and ethics of robo helpers" story - http://www.theregister.co.uk/2009/08/20/royal_academy_of_engineering_autonomous_systems_report_09/ - once our new metallic friends work out that we have a ray gun that will render them inoperable, isn't it just possible they will see us as a threat, and develop human-destroying machines to protect themselves.

Sounds a worryingly familiar scenario

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US women protest for the right to bare

Mark Lockwood

And where

Is the Friday Playmobil coverage of this?

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Scientists ponder rules and ethics of robo helpers

Mark Lockwood
Terminator

20 seconds to comply

Wasn't this the basis for the plot of Robocop?

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Aussie Sex Party bursts upon political stage

Mark Lockwood
Joke

@Mike

You don't want them, you'll go blind....

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El Reg to launch space paper plane

Mark Lockwood
Go

Name

How about "Where's My Flying Car"

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Cameron condemns Tweeters as tw*ts

Mark Lockwood
Happy

@ElNumbre

ElNumbre, there is a massive difference between Twitter and ElReg comments. Here on the comments page, it's not my time I'm wasting, it's my company's :)

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Kingston's thumb drive is tiny Tardis

Mark Lockwood
Joke

@TeeCee

I used to dream of having a 256Mb stick...

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BT brings jobs back from India

Mark Lockwood
Badgers

Cash & Carrion

Can we request a "My job came back from India, but due to the economic climate, I'm retraining as a plasterer" T shirt please

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BOFH: A spot of bother

Mark Lockwood
Grenade

Grrr

You owe my company ANOTHER new keyboard

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An American Werewolf returns to London

Mark Lockwood
FAIL

Slaughtered Lamb

Guaranteed this will be moved to become a trendy wine bar fill of bowler hatted blokes in Barnsley.

Never mind Jenny Agutter, where will they get a car that can go from London to the Moors faster than the original MG?

Remember the Alamo...

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Summer debut for Judge Dredd computer smart-rifle

Mark Lockwood
Joke

ntended to let soldiers shoot at and hit enemies hiding around corners?

Great, now you don't even have to be in the line of sight to be hit by friendly-fire...

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Will CA's stringent roadmap come back to haunt it?

Mark Lockwood
Coat

To be fair

If you have to use Arcserve, you're already very unlucky. It being version 13 probably won't make your life any worse

Mine's the one with the DLT drive parts in the pockets.

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BBC botnet investigation turns hacks into hackers

Mark Lockwood
Coat

Points of View

Why oh why oh why must the BBC continually change my computer background. Surly they have more important things to do, like send a load of Z Listers half way round the world to climb a hill or something

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Sofia Dark Knight Englundh protests footie chant slur

Mark Lockwood
Joke

Danish?

The lady doth protest too much, methinks

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Intel dubs 2009 'The Year of 10Gb Ethernet'

Mark Lockwood
Coat

Huh?

I thought it was the year of the Ox?

Can you pass me the one with the spring rolls in the pocket, ta

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Brit nuke subs exposed on Google Earth

Mark Lockwood
Black Helicopters

Not only are these available on Google Earth

... but any would be terrorists could get the information for an Ordnance Survey Map and a London A to Z, and could do for the past 30 years or so.

For the love of God, will someone please think of our children, and children's children.

That is all.

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Ryanair may charge cattle to use the bog

Mark Lockwood
Flame

Bah

So not only do I have to pay for their God-awful food, I now have to pay to get rid of it?

I paid 99p for this ticket, give me the respect I deserve....

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BOFH: Aspie no questions

Mark Lockwood
IT Angle

Aspergers

It's nice to have a name to this horrible affliction

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Brit, French nuke subs collide - fail to 'see' each other

Mark Lockwood
Black Helicopters

This reminds me of

The old urban myth of the US Battleship and the lighthouse - http://www.truthorfiction.com/rumors/l/lighthouseandaircraftcarrier.htm

Nice to see that Entente Cordial is still holding strong

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Brits find accommodation a little uncomfortable

Mark Lockwood
Coat

I think we should fight against these spelling fascists

Follow me, comrades, dyslexic IT workers of the world untie

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Competition regulator kyboshes Project Kangaroo

Mark Lockwood
Thumb Down

Precedent

I recall being told a story about how some Scottish students came up with the idea of an "online bookshop" back in the days of Netscape and dial-up 'tinternet.

They built a front end, and asked various governing bodies to help with funding. They were told it would be against competition law and would be unfair to physical bookshops.

Then some American's registered the domain Amazon.com....

Those who forget the lessons of history are doomed to repeat them

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Father of Playmobil dies at 79

Mark Lockwood

When and where?

I would like to request a full reconstruction of the funeral.

That is all

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TV's digital dividend could be superfast broadband

Mark Lockwood

High speed wireless data services

That sounds like just what I would want

Unfortunately, prefixing it with BT means I won't

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Librarians redubbed 'audience development officers'

Mark Lockwood
Coat

Ooook

Mines the one with orange hair on it....

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Firm touts bendy, wearable OLED screen

Mark Lockwood
Boffin

Ergonomic design

Wow, that circuit board wrist strap looks so comfortable....

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Attack of the quarter-ton, 'fridge-sized' killer jellyfish

Mark Lockwood

I for one

would like to welcome our new, tentacle clad overlords.

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Atari promises it won't suck this time

Mark Lockwood

Old school

Forget Star Trek, we want Dungeon Master updated properly.

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Mobe firm gives birth to pair of kid tracking phones

Mark Lockwood
Coat

I'm not afraid of Bill Ray

Mobe? I thought we'd banished that word. I suppose you wrote that article on your lappy....

Mines the one with the Nelly the Elephant logo on the lapels

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Beatles game is go

Mark Lockwood
Coat

Peace and love

What's the secret button combo to refuse to sign the high score leader board. Inquisitive minds have a right to know...

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Touchscreen robo-pharmacist calls for more CCTV snooping

Mark Lockwood
Coat

Ladies smellies?

In Streatham?

Have the local bobbies questioned Naomi Campbell?

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Vodafone emboldened by Orange's BlackBerry Bold woes

Mark Lockwood
Joke

Amazing?

"That in this day and age a phone can be released to market that actually just doesn't work is amazing"

Really?

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Virgin Media network downed by scouse power outage

Mark Lockwood

Power outages

We've had outages in our Birmingham, Abingdon and Glasgow offices today. Has someone at the National Grid run out of 50p's?

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Holy f**k, Microsoft covers up ‘undesired’ words

Mark Lockwood
Gates Horns

Undesired words?

Goggle

Apple

Anti-trust commission

Feel free to add to the list....

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Apple to 'ditch' Intel for Nvidia in standard MacBooks

Mark Lockwood
Jobs Horns

Mac Hackers

Presumerbly this story is linked with this - http://www.theregister.co.uk/2008/10/10/graphics_card_wireless_hacking/

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US boffins: Laptops will be as hot as the Sun by 2030

Mark Lockwood
Flame

If your laptop's running that hot

Your fan's broken

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David Blaine tw*tdangle ends in controversy

Mark Lockwood

I wonder why he doesn't do his cunning stunts in the UK any more...

It still makes me smile, the image of the burger van positioned directly under him for 44 days. Genius

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LHC downed until after Xmas - Boo

Mark Lockwood
Boffin

In a quote from the boffins...

They said, "There have been speculations that the Universe is not in its most stable configuration, and that perturbations caused by the LHC could tip it into a more stable state, called a vacuum bubble, in which we could not exist, unless one of the magnets goes titsup, in which case you can wave Mont Blanc goodbye"

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China to combine four ships to form space station

Mark Lockwood

Music

What they need is some catchy music for the live stream of the initial launch and dock. I wonder if Brian May and Eddie Van Halen are available - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pjijteu0gcQ

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US military offered flying hover car bike

Mark Lockwood
Alien

Rebrand

Just call it a speeder and be done with it.

Oh, and where's my flying car icon?

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