48 posts • joined 5 Mar 2008
In other - completely unconnected - news...
Prince William is advertising for a new press officer
The Font of Champions
They don't make machine guns...
...just the bullets with your name on.
As fatwahs go...
...this is the kind of thing we should all be getting behind.
Can they do something about Mick Hucknall next?
...but thanks to El Reg, Bellend Blatter lives on.
Sam Fox Strip Poker, BBC Model B
Excuse: I was sixteen.
I'm beginning to see the benefit...
...of bringing a large shovel and a coule of sacks of quicklime to meetings in order to get things moving. Does this make me a bad person?
Ah, America, where you end up in court over $4.95
High speed broadband for the Olympics
Oh, how we laughed down in Dorset when we heard the plans to install high speed broadband for the Olympic Yachting in Weymouth & Portland.
Yes, we're going to be wired in with something faster than the bits of old string and old coat hangers we've got at the moment. But as soon as the circus leaves, they're rolling it all up and taking it back to That London.
Cheers for that, Sebby.
Trousers = slightly browned
This from my Twitter stream:
Coincidence? I THINK NOT
Zombie BOFH neeeds braaaaaaainssssssss
I take there will be similar fury...
...at the dreadful Keith Chegwin gag underneath as well.
As a former national awards judge
It is my sad duty to report that these things aren't as straightforward as BofH thinks.
In short: All the judges get together for a meeting, then the sponsors decide who wins. THE END.
BofH: Final Destination
Right from the first paragraph I knew poor, dead Graham would end the tale as a red, sticky, still-twitching pile of dismembered body parts, barely identifiable as human amid the metallic carnage.
The joy was in the journey.
Sorry, I haven't put anybody off their lunch, have I?
Not just London
I live just a brisk boat ride across the harbour from the Weymouth & Portland sailing academy where the 2012 sailing events are to be held.
If a fat lummox like me can row a boat - what about highly-trained terrists? This can only lead to one thing: absolutely nothing.
Cyxymu is a (bad) Latinised rendering of the Cyrillic word Sukhumi, the capital of Abkhazia.
This is clearly Tharg the Mighty winding up a Rigellian Hotshot, as ane fule kno.
It's all a bet...
... by the Freemason Illuminati elite to get a home secretary that is worse than the one before.
Take a look at the recent list of incumbants if you don't believe me:
Next in line for the job is a Hostess Trolley from the John Lewis list
Thank you for the diagnosis
I knew there had to be an explanation for all those users I killed.
Said too much...
Thank God you're back
Just popping out to bump off the 'Dull, dull, dull' crowd.
Pickaxe handle. Tin bath. Sack of quicklime.
For the love of God
Q E D
Paintballs in the freezer
Why, why, WHY have I never thought of this?
It's always worthwhile...
...to sabotage meetings that turn into Buzzword Bingo hell.
I once got away with "Let's hammer these ideas into the ground and see if the nice dog pisses on them" with only minor injuries.
I used "My homework's in the dog" only last week and got away with it.
I am 42.
Further studies reveal...
...that the Fuhrer was NOT a Benny tied to a tree, but he did have "Skill".
Meat is murder.
Tasty, tasty murder
Life imitates art
I have recently found out that I am (genuinely) on Tier Two in our organisation's catering scheme of things.
That's Tier Two out of seven. It's tramp vomit, but they rinse it under a tap first.
Hopefully, he was bitten by a mosquito
...So future civilisations may clone him in years to come.
Yeah, first class ticket to Hell, please.
There was an ill-informed scare about CRT radiation in our office many years ago. The result of this was a handful of end users buying protective glasses (at twenty-five notes a shot) from a dodgy mail order company that made them look like they had insects' eyes.
Like this: http://tinyurl.com/twatspex
A stunning victory for the IT department.
I've got an old lock-up if that's any use
It's where I keep my old tin bath and catering-sized sacks of quick-lime, because YOU NEVER KNOW.
And they'd never, ever misuse it
...Like, say, use anti-terrorism laws to seize the assets of a friendly nation.
Poor Jim the Boss
Satire, old bean, is something you either have or don't have. Guess which category you fall under?
W T and indeed F
If it wasn't already, online tat bazaar eBay is now officially the YES! Car Credit fo the internet.
Ah, happy days...
...changing folder names for laughs and blaming a virus.
"But why is my folder now called 'Vinegar Tits'?"
"Who can tell how these people work"
I hereby volunteer...
... to take over the Flashman series before anybody else gets the chance to bugger it up.
"Done, but with errors on page"
Right, that's my jetpack sorted
Where's my monkey butler?
Echoing earlier posters...
...there are so many lorries on the M27 which have come up from the docks, you've got no problem hiding behind one as you go past the cameras. Unfortunately, as all three lanes are filled with either lorries or holidaymakers up from the New Forest, it is impossible to do any faster than 45 mph and prove Clarkson right or wrong.
Doomed to failure
1. Capture US soldiers
2. Confiscate their tags, place in iron-clad, booby-trapped bunker and await rescue party
I see your Love and Monsters
...and raise you "Fear Her".
Paris, cos I fear her an' all.
A work of genius, sir.
Them's were the days...
Of course, we had a Honeywell DPS4, and disc crashes were particularly violent decapitating-the-cleaners stuff of legend.
As ane fule kno
...calling somebody "dumb" is abuse and does not constitute libel.
You might have thought somebody in the publishing business would have known that.
After referring to The Register style guide...
Don't you mean "Online tat merchants eBay"?
As a freelance writer...
...I've always offered to turn the scammers' copy into plain English in return for a percentage. Strangely, nobody's ever taken up my offer.
My finest hour...
... was not achieving --- E L I T E --- status (which I managed on no less than three occasions), but hacking Samantha Fox Strip Poker so I could get to the money shot without all that boring gambling business.
Those were the days, and far from being educational, the Beeb was entirely responsible for failing my A-levels in 1984. And again in 1985.
My Shatner's Bassoon needs its daily fix.
- Vid Hubble 'scope scans 200,000-ton CHUNKY CRUMBLE ENIGMA
- Bugger the jetpack, where's my 21st-century Psion?
- Google offers up its own Googlers in cloud channel chumship trawl
- Interview Global Warming IS REAL, argues sceptic mathematician - it just isn't THERMAGEDDON
- Apple to grieving sons: NO, you cannot have access to your dead mum's iPad