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* Posts by Elmer Phud

3217 posts • joined 3 Mar 2008

Canonical kills free Ubuntu CD program

Elmer Phud
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Downloads

Recently had someone moaning about how long it would take after clicking on the 'download' button. "23 fucking days!" was the wail.

15 minutes later I gave him a CD with the ISO he wanted - "Use the torrent, Luke".

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Elmer Phud
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Torrents make life easy

as title

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Photoshopped image scam used in rogue Facebook app trap

Elmer Phud
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Happy

and

and those who never seem to have any problems with using Facebook, despite all the warnings of doom and gloom.

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French mayor busts overly busty bust

Elmer Phud
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Naked Lady

Near me there is a statue of a lady that has a proper title - not sure if anyone knows what it's really called -- but for as long as I remember it's been known as 'the naked lady'. The bus drivers all seem to know it as that, the locals call it that and no-one gets upset.

Anyway - I reckon a statue of a well-developed lady is far, far better than one of some bloody army bloke that sent tens of thousands of soldier to a pointless death.

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Australians can’t read or count

Elmer Phud
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GIGO

"“People experience difficulties, or make mistakes, reading and following instructions, communicating reliably via email, or interpreting graphs and charts.”"

That's not people being 'inadequate', it's reaction to yet another pointless and meaningless email or chart or graph sent round by people who don't bloody understand it themselves.

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Australia, give up your fixed broadband!

Elmer Phud
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FAIL

Don't shoot the messenger

Didn't quite read that all the way though did we? Missed the 'Sincerely, Malcolm Turnbull, Minister Opposition Spokesman for Communications and Broadband' bit.

The author is taking the piss, there is a tiny-weeny-ikkle bit of sacrcasm there.

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The Osborne 1: 30 years old this month

Elmer Phud
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portable - just about

The advert shows a lady trying to walk with the thing as she leave the office.

It seems she is leaning over a fair bit as she carries the thing. What isn't shown is the grimace on her face from the strain of lifting it.

Good job it didn't have batteries. I've got a bag for an old Zenith 'laptop' - years newer than the Osborne. The Zenith had a horseshoe shaped battery that was about half the physical size of the whole thing and about 80% of the weight. I think it was termed 'luggable', rather than 'portable'.

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Vanilla Ice to tackle panto Captain Hook

Elmer Phud
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Coat

Standard Panto

"Your singing career - it's behind you!"

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James Cameron to amp up Avatar frame rate

Elmer Phud
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Headmaster

almost

wouldn't it be more like

" ITS DANCS WIT SMURFS LOLZ LOOSERS!"

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Elmer Phud
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Headmaster

"added sense of reality"

It's too bloody real already for some.

The only real 'blue people' are not the Smurfs, not the Naavi but the Nac McFeegles.

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RM revenue declines in face of UK.gov slash fest

Elmer Phud
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FAIL

Pay Cut?

I think you know that's highly unlikely.

'aliging our cost base' usually means sackings and more out-sourcing.

Yup, I'll go for the 'Fail' as well

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Stop sexing up IT and give Civil Servants Macs, says gov tech boss

Elmer Phud
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OSX?

No worries, they'll run WindowsME

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Elmer Phud
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IT Angle

Macs are cheaper?

Blimey, can he get me one, too.

And do they really need Macs to do thier work? Which would you prefer to steal on a train?

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Game stocks shops with Tesco 3DS consoles

Elmer Phud
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Corner shop

My local corner shop usually has single items on sale marked 'multipack only' but I guess once Tesco has sold the item it's down to the corner shop to do as they please.

Mind you, the veg and bread at the corner shop is cheaper than Tesco.

Game also had shop personnel pre-ordering 3DS as they were given unrealistic shop targets to meet. The shop managers were also screwed over and had to resort to such tactics.

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Corporate hospitality is OK, says new Bribery Act guidance

Elmer Phud
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Corporate Hostility

It's the Corporate Hospitality bollocks that has ruined many events as they are paying top money and usually the big sponsors for the event - whether it's music or sporting or whatever.

Uninterested arseholes fill the 'executive' or 'VIP' areas that take prominent position while those who actually wanted to attend and paid thier own money are treated like shit.

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Elmer Phud
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Bung Bunga?

as title

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Coalition to float prototype for single government web domain

Elmer Phud
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IT Angle

Simplified??

"At the time Fox said that the team running the Directgov website should be a "citizens' champion with sharp teeth" and added that government portals should be simplified to help cut costs."

Have a look at the flagship EasyCouncil and try and make sense of 'simplified' - it seems to mean 'so simple there's bugger al there'

www.barnet.gov.uk

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Labour MP debuts fondleslab-assisted Parliament oratory

Elmer Phud
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Coat

I know it's not Friday yet but . . .

"fondleslabian"

and

"Members should be allowed to use electronic hand-held devices for any purpose when in the chamber whilst not speaking"

childish, purile,infantile -- yup 'Fnar, fnar'

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Council loses £2.5m claim against Big Blue

Elmer Phud
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FAIL

Ah, experts

"The judge found that Southwark had chosen the software without even writing down any requirements it wanted IBM to follow"

Bean counters at it again?

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Comodo-gate hacker brags about forged certificate exploit

Elmer Phud
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You what?

Stirrng up trouble? - this is now Gategategate.

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The Professionals set to abseil into cinema

Elmer Phud
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Bullshitters

was the name of the Comic Strip version.

Lots of car and boxes action - and the homo-erotic stuff that was always boiling underneath.

Bogie and Foyle, in action , in underpants.

Also don't miss 'Detectives on the edge of a nervous breakdown' it has all the favourite telly cops.

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MoJ goes cloudy

Elmer Phud
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FAIL

Fail?

"Accenture."

nuff said

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120 Underground Wi-Fi hotspots will erupt in 2012

Elmer Phud
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Headmaster

Mind the Gap

as title

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Fukushima scaremongers becoming increasingly desperate

Elmer Phud
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WTF?

And yet

And yet the Japanese government are filling thier trousers as they become ust a tad desparate about the situation.

I've got updates coming from all sides and so far it tells me absolutley nothing except they are shitting themselves - still.

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Elmer Phud
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Alert

It's not Lewis's denials that scare me but . .

. . the lack of actual information from the Japanese government. They keep not saying anything and keep chucking more resources at it. They say there are possible cracks, empty cooling pools, trying different tactics etc. yet apparently all is fine and dandy.

It's the loud 'Nothing to worry about, nothing to see, move along please' that scares the shit out of me.

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Nintendo 3DS

Elmer Phud
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Boffin

Another Wii?

So far, the Wii doesn't seem to have been surpassed in as much as the newer techs need a lot of space to be able to use them. The big bonus of the Wii is that you don't usually have to get up off your seat and look like a twat swatting imaginary flies.

Anyway - spare a thought for those like my daughter who works at Game -- today she will be faced with all sorts of muppets - and is not allowed to say to the 'But I can get it cheaper at Amazon' for the 50th time "Well, fuck off to Amazon then, arsehole, what are you doing here?"

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Acer locates 'missing' tablet strategy

Elmer Phud
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Boffin

Nipple mouse?

We never used to call them 'nipple mouse' - always called them something that ladies usually say men can never find.

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Ubuntu board rejects slippery Flash installs

Elmer Phud
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Boffin

The great unwashed

As someone who just about has a vague grasp of how the various Penguis O/S's work I guess I'm included in the 'unwashed'. A couple of days back I was also an 'expert' while someone else was installng Ubuntu for the first time - he'd heard it was the mutt's nuts from several people and was building a new machine.

He was expecting a 'windows' sort of experience where you just bung the disc in, install then go for all the updates. I got him through that bit but then it came to 'Where's all the stuff I usually see?' and I was faced with carefully trying to explain that it's sort of all there or available and that he has to learn a similar but altogether different O/S and that a lot of the terminology is different as well.

"No, it's not all 'fucking useless', it's different"

I got YouTube working for him.

I also had to explain that a Windows installer for a programme is unlikely to work as it can't find windows and that all the fancy stuff that comes with the motherboard also only works in Windows. And that Ubuntu isn't 'shit' just because manufacturers tend to aim for the market that brings in the most money.

They really do 'just want it to work' but are not happy with learning new names for just about everything they were familiar with before. (they includes me at times).

Oh, the poor sod also tried downloading the ISO directly and was faced with a download suggested to be several days. I went a little bit further down the screen and found the route to the Torrent file. Not long after that I gave him a Cd with the ISO on it. If Canonlcal want folks to use Ubuntu maybe it would help if the link to the Torrent was a bit more prominent.

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Apple bashes 'gay cure' app

Elmer Phud
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Thumb Down

Would that be . . .

. . The Russian Orthodox, the Greek Orthodox, the Coptics or one of the newer mobs like the Catholics?

Or do you mean the ones that promote 'Christianity or else your are dead'?

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Spurned nonagenarian lets rip with semi-automatic

Elmer Phud
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Cosmo The Fairly Accurate Knifethrower's Mum?

"A 92-year-old Florida woman refused a kiss by her 53-year-old neighbour responded by pumping four rounds from a semi-automatic pistol into his house."

'He aimed for her sister and missed'

http://www.last.fm/music/Les+Barker/_/Cosmo,+The+Fairly+Accurate+Knife-Thrower

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Elmer Phud
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Pint

Get orf my Manor!

Hell's Grannies (and much of the early Pythion stuff ) was shot local to me.

The pub with the 'nudge, nudge' sketch was one of the best music venues in London and was closed by the greedybastard 'brewing' company.

After a few drinks it was also common to find us climbing the gutter, barely hanging on to cracks in the pavement.

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Judge to music industry: 'Worth trillions? Forget it'

Elmer Phud
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You What?

This is record companies we're talking about - do you think the musicians who spent hours producing the 'product' would get anything? If the companies got even a few million they would give it to themselves as bonuses for having done so well.

It's been show over and over again that the music companies just want musicians as prostitutes "More product, now! Fuck any thoughts you had of 'art' - where's my next car? where's my new house, where's my kilo of coke?"

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Channel Islands VAT loophole shut, petrol prices cut

Elmer Phud
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You sure about that?

Given what I know about private schools and that 'free schools' do not require quailfied teachers this is shitting on the people who are qualified.

It also concerns me a lot that these ' teachers' can teach anything they bloody like, don't have the same checks made aganst them and are a law unto themselves.

Don't mention OFSTED - they have had thier teeth pulled, they now will leave schools alone that are marked as 'satisfactory' as they don't have the staff anymore.

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Elmer Phud
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Jeremy C

I remember Jeremy Clarkson - more than once - wondering why anyone would buy a BMW 4X4 as they were useless at everything and drank petrol in order to do it.

But I don't expect BMW 4X4 owners to beleive that Clarkson could offer such blasphemies (Clarkson regularly mentions how much fuel there things consume and he's not praising them)

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Out of shape? Not had sex for years? Watch out

Elmer Phud
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Paris Hilton

Coming and going?

"I've been with 1000's of men,

again and again,

they promise the moon,

they always coming and going,

going and coming,

and always too soon! "

No Paris here - just Lilly von Shtupp

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Fake Japan blackout alerts cloak Flash malware

Elmer Phud
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IT Angle

Oh, come on

Are you seriously suggesting that this sort of thing wasn't expected?

It's business as usual and you know it so what's the big fuss this time?

"Oh, they are preying on the unfortunate" Well, bugger me, it's not as if it's anything new, it's been going on for centuries in one form or another.

Don't complain -educate!

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Osborne promises 'Budget for growth'

Elmer Phud
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WTF?

Ahem

That bloke Major - remember him, Johnny Underpants? - left the country in such a piss-poor state it took a long time to start to recover. And as it was beginning to recover -- the Tories came back to screw us over again.

In the meantime - you Tory trolls ough to know better -- we know that when Boy-George says 'Budget for growth' he means we will all be dropped in horse shit apart from his mates --again.

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Brian May stands up for Welsh badgers

Elmer Phud
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Badgers

Meanwhile . . .

. . .in other parts of the world cattle are being given medication that is lethal to the vultures that are necessary to clear up dead animals.

But it's O.K. as it doesn't harm the ikkle cows.

Remove one vital link in the recycling chain and it all stops working.

When you keep cattle penned up all winter and drugged up to the big lovely eyeballs it's no surprise that other infections pass easily.

Still no real evidence that badgers actually cause the problems.

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South West Trains puts squeeze on commuters

Elmer Phud
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FAIL

No, Minister

"Transport Minister Theresa Villiers agreed to meet Mordaunt to discuss the matter further"

And offer up some platitudes, say it's nothing to do with her - it's the train company - and then fuck off in a car.

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USB key to 4,000 vulnerable people's front doors lost

Elmer Phud
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Happy

Aaargh

"It's in a file format made by our application that we can't open except with that app"

Oh, an Excel sheet then?

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Beeb reworks Wuthering Frikkin' Heights

Elmer Phud
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Can't wait . . .

. . for the remixed Kate Bush song.

"Heathcliff, it's me, Kathy - where the fuck have you been!"

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BA jihadist relied on Jesus-era encryption

Elmer Phud
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Boffin

Oh, they tried

"Despite urging by the Yemen-based al Qaida leader Anwar Al Anlaki, Karim also rejected the use of a sophisticated code program called "Mujhaddin Secrets", which implements all the AES candidate cyphers, "because 'kaffirs', or non-believers, know about it so it must be less secure"."

If they had had employed methods that the infidels are used to they might well have gotten away with it. But, with the typical 'wisdom' shown by hard-core beleivers they came up with a huge fail.

There is a highly technical solution but the twats though they were better.

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Elmer Phud
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Fair enough

Word and Powerpoint - there's no way I could stumble upon any hidden code in them - they don't exist on my machine.

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Play.com spam points to malware downloads

Elmer Phud
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Acrobat?

Ah well, those of us who won't touch Acrobat with someone elses barge-pole would have just ignored yet another 'update now' message.

And those who do need to use thier own shedule for updates (sunday mornings is quite good while recovering from saturdays) or use something like Secunia.

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Canonical's Dell and Lenovo love lets Ubuntu down

Elmer Phud
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Boffin

Nail -- head

" . . .but the point is that the average user doesn't care. They just want something that works, and the iPhone/iPad have now set a new standard in "just works" simplicity."

Yup, sounds like me - and most that I know.

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Cray to build huge, grunting 20-petaflop 'Titan' for US gov labs

Elmer Phud
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yeah but . . .

. . . Flash still freezes

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BAA outhouses 200 IT workers over to Capgemini

Elmer Phud
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FAIL

"Offered"?

The usual 'offer' no doubt.

'You can move or you might get laid off. When you move it'll be shite and still no actual job security but it won't be us that gets rid of you'

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Osborne urged to end islands VAT-holiday by small-biz group

Elmer Phud
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Happy

Or

"Beware of the flowers 'cos they're sure gonna get you, yeah!"

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Firefox 4 gets yet another final test build release

Elmer Phud
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Second go

The first one greeted me with the 'sorry we couldn't re-conect your session' (or whatever it says) each time I fired it up.

Second one has cleared it up.

So far -- seems O.K. and I've put the tabs back underneath the address bar.

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Fukushima: Situation improving all the time

Elmer Phud
Silver badge

Not yet?

I'm not entirely sure it's time for those fighting the fires to remove the bike-clips from thier trousers yet. It seems to have been a really close thing between cooling the reactors and them getting a bit too warm.

We've not been told what's actually going on - been told 'it's steam' when the news vids showed smoke.

Also not yet had any info as to how much damage has been caused to those who managed to connect the power back up again or those who were fighting the fires at close quarters.

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