* Posts by Elmer Phud

3941 posts • joined 3 Mar 2008

Google bods reform DEMOCRACY in coconut or vitamin water quandry

Elmer Phud
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Water v''s Water

A vote over snakeoil -- ffs!

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Canned laughter for Canadians selling cans of air at $15 a pop

Elmer Phud
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Re: Is it April the 1st?

and not from one's derri-air?

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Jailbreaking pirates popped in world's largest iCloud raid – 225,000 accounts hit

Elmer Phud
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Re: But but but....

AC, you have done the rant already

#iTwat - as youngsters would say these days.

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Met Police to slash hundreds of IT jobs, hands £216m outsourcing gig to Steria

Elmer Phud
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IDS

It sounds like another It Delivers Shit scheme.

Bung in 'computers as per the movies, they will analyise all daat, instantly, and promptly pinpoint the perps.

Then it's just a case of sending a car round and the villains will meekly agreee to a trip to the nearest mega-nick (see under 'North London' and 'how the fuck do I get to Colindale') for processing.

As the 'computers' do all the work there is no longer any need for investigative policing, just send out a plastic.

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Elmer Phud
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Re: "outside of the London area".

Birmingham?

Isn't it stuffed full of Mooselimbs demanding your passport as soonas you get off the train?

Shirley we woudn't give our British (with full Pub Landlord expression) data to those who will send it straight to Putin who sends it on to Syria?

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Rosetta probe spots Comet 67P being buzzed by boulder

Elmer Phud
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Ah, Bless

It's got a little friend

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Verizon wants to smartify old cars

Elmer Phud
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Re: Smartify?

It's a last gasp attempt to get Smart car drivers to try annd emulate the name of thier vehicle rather than become the opposite as soon as the door is closed and the blinkers set in place.

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You're hosting Uncle Sam's files in the cloud. You get hacked. This is what happens next

Elmer Phud
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But . . .

I thought that our data was/is also US gubbermint data.

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Perhaps the AIpocalypse ISN'T imminent – if Google Translate is anything to go by, that is

Elmer Phud
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AI or MInd?

I suspect that Google Translate is actually one of the Cultures' ships taking the piss.

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Motorola monsters Apple's swipe-to-unlock patent in German court

Elmer Phud
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Re: Well done that Kraut

Kraut?

Jerrry?

That's ssooooo last century

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Spanking Spam King: Sanford Wallace faces jail for Facebook flood

Elmer Phud
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Re: What? Is he still around?

Why kill him?

Why not sign him up to every spam-bot going?

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3D-printed robot hand grabs Dyson award for UK

Elmer Phud
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" My aim is for Open Bionics to disrupt the prosthetics industry by offering affordable prosthetics for all.”

Nuff said!

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Swiss watch: Cuckoo-clock cops threaten Win 10 whup-ass can pop

Elmer Phud
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Switzerland?

The land of open and clear audit trails to simple corporate enterprises?

Demanding 'openness'?

A taxing problem

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What's Russia smoking? Kremlin bans Wikipedia for dopey article

Elmer Phud
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Re: Putin wants a return to USSR, doessn't he?

I ought to add that the first bit about 'luring the unsuspecting' dates back to at least the 1950's here in Blighted.

Remove 'homosexual' and swap for 'Chinese', 'Indian' or 'Negro' to suit decade or add others for the full Daily Mail experience.

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Elmer Phud
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Re: Putin wants a return to USSR, doessn't he?

It is well known that homosexuals use cannabis to lure straight men and boys in to drug dens where they are instantly addicted and then raped continuously by depraved animals.

That the homophobic misogynistic thugs are fuelled up with crap booze and even nastier speed is not an issue.

But at least the women can be turend by just raping them.

No, not a return to USSR -- this is a rightwing bastards dream.

Putin and the G.O.P are fuck-buddies.

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Elmer Phud
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Crowd Control

Vodka, only Vodka

We cannot allow anyone to think, they must be addicted to alcohol or we are doomed.

Only drones allowed.

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Carders fleece $4.2 million from Victoria's MyKi transport agency

Elmer Phud
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Re: The Law of Unintended Consequences

Meanwhile, in that London we have already seen the withdrawal of the ability to pay by cash.

The world is NOT my Oyster, despite the useless floppy Johnson's attempts to keep it all anti-personal.

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FBI probed SciFi author Ray Bradbury for plot to glum-down America

Elmer Phud
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FBI sponsored?

On the other hand we had people like Niven and Pournelle busy stoking the McCarthyism fire with book after book about invading aliens and 'ordinary Americans' taking up the struggle and winning.

Thankfully we also had Kurt Vonnegut.

(Meanwhile Phil Farmer just wanted big tits in everything and Ron Hubbard had even huger tits in his books.)

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BT commences trials of copper-to-the-home G.fast broadband tech

Elmer Phud
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Don't blame the workers . . . .

some time back I worked on 'broadband repair. In its infancy we could use standard line test gear to check the cable and spot potential isssues.

After a while we were told that it was now automated and we were not allowed to 'interpret' the results -- if it came back as 'O.K.' then we passsed it and sent the job on.

This was despite glaring errors in things like capacitance, S/N readings etc.etc. where, once looked at as a whole it was easy to spot things like a dodgy joint --- to the extent of ringing customers and asking them if the line worked better when the weather was dry or damp.

Due to our wanting to sort out the issue and get engineers sent to exactly the right place it meant we were overbooking our time on the job -- basically refused to pass it on in the 'proper' time allowed.

But no, severely castigated (our line manager also getting in shit for backing us up) and told to follow orders, eventually told not to contact customers direct but put it in the notes (which no fucker ever read as the game became 'pass the parcel').

All we wanted was a decent service but as everything (ie. bonuses) were/are based on not having parts of the job fail in specific work queues we got constantly shat on by middle-fucking management.

Eventually they removed our direct access to the test gear - though we could see results in the job notes -- and were told NEVER to look at the test results and diagnose, if the test said 'O.K. then it was 'O.K.'.

Now every company is using the same test methods and 'diagnosis' and 'get rid of the job ASAP'.

Admittedly though, BT learnt from Tiscali who would take a job and pass it to us without even a cursory glance as thier time limits seemed to be maybe ten minutes in thier job queues before it failed -- and if anyone remembers thier 'cornflake packet' modems you'd know why, they caused more faults than anything esle for a while.

There still are people who want to sort out things for the customer -- but they are not allowed to. Some of us enventually got pissed off and took the money. (after our Helldesk went to Mumbai and then returned home again).

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Elmer Phud
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Re: Here I am promised "60-70" getting 20-30...

Seen this before many times.

BT provide the original cable distribution, based on projected planning by local authority etc.

More stuff is built but no-one wants to pay for upgraded local distribution -- certainly not the developers who just build and bugger off.

I put a line in to a flat in St Albans, next to the exchange. But there is no handy local distribution so the feed comes from over the road via several hundred metres of re-jigging.

Sure isn't BT 'fault' -- they provided the original but if developers are not prepared to include extra cable infrastucture why should BT (or any other provider) foot the bill?.

Me?

I see a Virgin cab and piping on my side of the road but LLU doesn't work the other way so I'm FTTC then U/G then O/H.

A bit of reciprocal LLU would work wonders.

(though it seems that only the BT cabs are left locked and secure)

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Shadow minister for Fun calls for Openreach separation

Elmer Phud
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Father Bryant-Ted

"He doesn't have a view on the governance of the separated Openreach. He told The Register: "I'm happy to leave the precise structure of Openreach to BT."

Down with that sort of thing!

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Samsung smart fridge leaves Gmail logins open to attack

Elmer Phud
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Re: But...

Most of the posts have not been anything like a luddite tizzy.

You may have mistaken 'taking the piss' for something else.

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Elmer Phud
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Coat

Re: re Why?

You could make a fortune selling them things.

Wipe the opposition off the market -- yes, a fridge magnate!

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Elmer Phud
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Re: IoT crazy

Nah, the fridge will have an argument with the freezer as the freezer has stuff that could be transferred to the fridge. The overall Menu Planner says it want's something else from the freezer, not the fridge.

There has been a query from elsewhere as to whether any meal may induce the need for more toliet paper.

The cupboards are keeping quiet -- this is a white on white goods thing.

The car is sulking as it's just a glorified shopping trolley.

Progress.

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Hacker slaps Dolphin, Mercury browsers, squirts zero day

Elmer Phud
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" and Chrome clocks some five billion installs"

As in ''Wot's this that has arrived oin my machine? I only wanted a small, free programme"

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High-heeled hacker builds pen-test kit into her skyscraper shoes

Elmer Phud
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Silicon Valley

"Edit: Normally I have to sort though about 50% identical replies to my posts on Reddit. For those flexing their fingers and getting ready to give me a hard time: Yes, they are fake. Yes, I feature them prominently and deliberately in everything I do. No, most of my projects do not have all that much technical merit- they are 90% silicone and 10% silicon ;-) No, if you point out the absolutely obvious no one will think you are insightful, edgy or cool. They will think you are 12. "

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Elmer Phud
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D.I.Y.?

No need, yer average techies would be fighting each other to do what she asks them to.

She knows that the Bulgarian Airbags are a distraction and a useful part of her hacking kit.

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Auto erotica bonk shocker: ja das ist gut, say 56% of Germans

Elmer Phud
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Lay by

VW campervan.

Park, close curtains, pull out bed - afterwards there's a kettle handy for a cuppa.

Did have a coverted passenger ambulance once, with mirror film on the side and rear windows.

It can be off-puttng when you get a passer-by stopping to groom thier hair while busy.

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EU clears UK to give £50m to SABRE space launcher engine

Elmer Phud
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Re: We should dedicate 0.5% of GDP to be spent on things that are:

"Johnson is notorious for his complete inability to produce anything according to specification or common sense, or (sometimes) even the laws of physics. This fact never stopped him from trying, however. He is also known as Bloody Stupid "It Might Look A Bit Messy Now But Just You Come Back In Five Hundred Years' Time" Johnson and Bloody Stupid "Look, The Plans Were The Right Way Round When I Drew Them" Johnson.

Johnson was not incompetent, far from it; indeed in many ways he was a kind of genius. Pratchett suggests on numerous occasions that he possessed a kind of "inverse genius"; as far from incompetence as genius but in the opposite direction. Certainly no one else could produce an explosive mixture from nothing more than common sand and water, or create a triangle with three right angles. "

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Costa Rican authorities detain drug-smuggling pigeon

Elmer Phud
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The drugs were just a distraction, there's good eatin' on one of them.

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Use QuickTime … and become part of the collective

Elmer Phud
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VLC

tha's all

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Two weeks of Windows 10: Just how is Microsoft doing?

Elmer Phud
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Re: Total fail from my perspective.

I remember that message from a mates laptop that refused to update but kept trying to upate.

I think I just ran the reg cleaner in CCleaner a couple of times and it sorted it.

If in doubt -try a hammer.

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Labour Party website DDoS'd by ruly democratic mob

Elmer Phud
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Re: it may backfire?

Odd that, it seems that they contribute more to the economy than the locals, they also are less likely to be unemployed.

So are they lazy shits or are they taking our jobs?

Make yer mind up.

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Spanish developers strike gold with ‘Mr Mayor’ dodgy dealings gaming app

Elmer Phud
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Re: Pardon me?

I know someone who is Canarian.

They reckon the only reason Guernica got bombed and not Tenerife was that the Stukas couldn't get that far.

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Hackers hid Carphone Warehouse breach with DDoS smokescreen – report

Elmer Phud
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Old trick

Keep the man behind the counter busy while yer mate is pocketing sweets (apparently)

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Queensland boffins ponder Scramjet satellite launch plan

Elmer Phud
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Re: Out of curiosity ...

Wearing my tin-foil hat, I'd say that SCRAM is very tempting to those who want to flog missiles to us for 'protection'.

If they could get Mach24 then who needs explosives -- the kinetic will do rather nicely

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Foxconn to build 1,500-acre, US$5billion complex in India

Elmer Phud
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They are learning from us

Sometime back, us Brits got fed up with trying to make the whole of China into opium addicts and moved operations in to India.

Maybe the Chinese labour force is becoming too expensive and Foxconn needs cheaper peeps.

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Facebook unleashes mighty data trove to learn how you laugh

Elmer Phud
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Silence is golden

There are others who will not use any of the above -- as they expect people not to need prompting.

Also the lack of indication that something is supposed to be humerous drags the 'TLDR' trolls out -- the ones who can only read two words before giving up and commenting --those who are still baffled when they get a reply that says 'Irony is not just for taking creases out of shirts'.

(Most trolls are really easy to troll -- a good troll is one that takes a while for the penny to drop.)

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Windows 10 climbs to 3.55 per cent market share, Win 8.1 dips

Elmer Phud
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And?

Over time, as the roll-out continues, there will be far more running W10.

Can someone tell me what these figures are supposed to mean as I don't see any point in them.

Other, that is, for folks to become soothsayers and mediums - prediciting the future from a tiny bit of inconsequential bit of data.

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Audi RS3: Keep running up that hill, with no problems

Elmer Phud
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Re: Dear 6x7=42

It was always that the question was wrong -- not the answer.

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All hail Ikabai-Sital! Destroyer of worlds and mender of toilets

Elmer Phud
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Re: Useless Experts

The plunger --

A small investment gains a set of drain rods including a big plunger thing.

We are blessed to have Tolouse (not such a great trek each time) but the most comfy seat is also the one that blocks easiest.

All it takes is one decent shove on the stick and I am a smug git as I've just saved more than it would cost to get an 'expert' out. As for the rest of the drain rods --occasionally, someone in the flats next door manages to flush a nappy or an entire box of wipes and the shared 3 metre deep manhole begins to fill. No need for a powerflush as once the water is released it's a bugger of a job(bie) to stop the rods being sucked in to the main.

That's another £200 saved.

(as a young lad working as a labourer at a builders, I'd get given the task of finding which of several manholes was the main blockage -- usually just aftera proper fry-up breakfast. It stood me in good stead later on as changing nappies never seemd as bad as people made it out to be)

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Tobacco field bacteria offers hope for buzz-kill smoking therapy

Elmer Phud
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Re: Its already here

But isn't vaping just pandering to the nicotine addiction and also the physical/ritual addiction too?

It's almost as if people don't like to use the word 'addict'.

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AIDS? Ebola? Nah – ELECTRO SMOG is our 'biggest problem', says Noel Edmonds

Elmer Phud
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EMPpad

For that Extended Menstrual Phlow.

(does it have round edges?)

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Elmer Phud
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Re: Magnets...

"I think F**king Magnets would be painful."

I have magnets from old speakers --they have a hole in the middle.

I reckon could market them as sperm enhancers -- fucking magnets could make a lot of money in the Woo marketplace.

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Elmer Phud
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Re: Doesn't have all the dots on his dice.

" an idiot and his money are soon parted...."

Ah yes, that little exercise just off thr A30 . . .

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Elmer Phud
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"Even Brian's not that daft. Probably."

Too late, we have a health minister who 'knows' homeopaathy 'works' and a recent announcement that MORE of OUR money will be put towards NHS and empty water.

We is well buggered!

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Elmer Phud
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Re: He's possibly right about Ebola

EBola isn't a proper disease - it only seems to affect Africans.

Well, that's what I read in the first offering of testicles.

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Elmer Phud
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Re: Go now, please.

A massive and universal -- twat.

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Elmer Phud
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Re: Is this a preview of a new series of Brass Eye?

Electrosmug git?

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And so it begins... Cleaning up HMRC's £10.7bn Aspire mess

Elmer Phud
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Now we realise why Osborne needs to apply the thumbscrews - he already knows how much dosh has been or is about to be pissed away.

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