* Posts by Elmer Phud

3818 posts • joined 3 Mar 2008

Unions call for strike action over 'unusable' Universal Credit IT

Elmer Phud
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Re: byline

I think it's more like your second suggestion -- only it's a lot riper than that.

You couldn't even make a curry with it!

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ALIEN SLIME SHOCKER: Approaching comet probably NOT inhabited, say boffins

Elmer Phud
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Re: Alien vs

Just 'Borg' will do . . .

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Elmer Phud
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Re: "however, boffins involved in the Rosetta probe have dismissed the suggestions."

"capable of taking over the minds of the first people to encounter "

Already done -- that's why there was that fast retraction.

Scientists alway suffer first -- but there ought to be a plucky kid/woman/dog that will save us.

(if the bacteria get to the back of my cooker there will be one hell of a fight against the current occupants)

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Elmer Phud
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Yup, another bit of proof of the global conspiracy -- it's alien tech they have found and are keeping it from us!

(sorry, couldn't be arsed to put to all in caps)

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BPI fiddles with music consumption figures while revenues burn

Elmer Phud
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Familiar?

Using the same calculations to re-score the 'unemployed' lists?

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Look! Up in the sky! Five Brit satellites on one Indian rocket!

Elmer Phud
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Re: The natural result of abandoning a space program

Nah, not Europe.

Crapita already has the contract

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Hacking Team hacked: Spyware source code torrent blurts govt customers

Elmer Phud
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Re: "claiming to only deal with ethical governments"

depends what your ethics are, I guess.

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Google's Cardboard cutout VR headgear given away GRATIS by OnePlus ... SELLS OUT

Elmer Phud
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Well . . .

it's not the sort of thing you'd find on the back of a cereal packet is it?

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Let me PLUG that up there, love. It’s perfectly standaAAARGH!

Elmer Phud
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Years ago (back before Ms windows and even MS DOS) I was intalling phones in the Xerox building in London.

In the secretary's office was this black and white screen with icons on it.

'Wossat?' says I

"Oh, it lets me print this document at any printer in any office, anywhere."

and yes, with a little bit of work she could indeed send the document around the world to the printer next door.

(It was a little bit slower with everything on private circuits in them days of steam-driven relays)

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Elmer Phud
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Re: Spurs

", and risk setting fire to yourself by having to reach over said blazing pan to switch it off"

Hah, it's now half melted . . .

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Will rising CO2 damage the world's oceans? NOT SO MUCH – new boffinry

Elmer Phud
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Re: Proof of evolution on the back of beer mat....

It's just that we seem to think - as I guess all species do - that we are 'special'. But most mammalian mobs don't really last that long, 2-3 million years or so then it's back to the soup.

Maybe David Ike is right - them lizards have been around for a while . . .

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Elmer Phud
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"composition will be 50-50 between middle management & politicians,"

I think that's a natural entropic state -- not one caused by DNA

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Elmer Phud
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" What's the Brit equivalent of "step up to the plate?" "

I say, pull your socks up, old chap!

In reality it has become a joke - when it's used in Cricket, Football, Auto-Sport etc - but far, far worse was on yet another tedious cookery programme where the dancer host (ffs!) used it as a catchphrase.

We do have many phrases to use instead of one from macho rounders.

'Git yer bleedin' finger aht!' is rather popular.

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German army fights underground Nazi war machine hidden in Kiel pensioner's cellar

Elmer Phud
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Re: sadly let down

Or 'Tanks for the memories'?

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Looking forward to getting Windows 10 the day it ships? Yeah, about that...

Elmer Phud
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Ferfuksache

It's not as if M.S. haven't told everybidy already that the date is the STAR T of the roll-out.

I doubt is even they have the server and bandwidth capacity to roll it out in one day.

Cue the 'Took hours', 'why haven't I got it yet' 'M$ is shit as mine wasn't first' and "M$ has killed the internet" comments around the world. later on this month.

Some of us may prefer to defer it for a while until W10 SP2 comes out. (or whatever they will call it -- W10.2?)

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Chair legs it from UK govt smart meter installation programme

Elmer Phud
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Re: the chair left the post

The ambiguity is in the box -- Python reference from years before the fillums.

There was once 'ElPeas'.

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Elmer Phud
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Re: F*%&wits

While there is a paid post to inhabit, there will be people to sit in it.

Who says it has anything to do with the devices?

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Rise of the Machines: ROBOT KILLS MAN at Volkswagen plant

Elmer Phud
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Cobblers

So many -- 'Ooh you lot are tasteless' drivel -- this is nothing more than the standard 'bloke goes in to tiger's cage' sort of thing.

As for the 'maybe, maybe, maybe' about safety procedures -- who the F opens a tigers cage without knowing the bugger is locked up?

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‘Clandestines' prompt British border blockade in France

Elmer Phud
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How long before that measure is to small and needs widening a bit?

And after that - how far will it go?

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SEX-starved worm can GIVE HEAD to ITSELF to reproduce

Elmer Phud
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Finally . .

. . . fuckwit

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BBC (sort of) sorry for Grant Shapps Wikipedia smear reportage

Elmer Phud
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There's a Shapps in the kitchen . . .

.. what am I gonna do?

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Giant FLYING SPACE ROCKS could KILL US ALL, warns Brian May

Elmer Phud
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Re: A mercy killing

The rock can't arrive quick enough if another one of those Queen things is imminent

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Universal Credit white elephant needs 'urgent breakthrough' says MP

Elmer Phud
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If they're gonna piss money away, the Greeks could do with some.

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Hated Care.data scheme now 'unachievable', howls UK.gov watchdog

Elmer Phud
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I.D.S will call it an unprecedented success.

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Flushed with success: No bog standard Canadian goldfish these

Elmer Phud
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Diversify!

Goldfish onnastick!

Or Innabun!

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Google to take another shot at a free Wi-Fi business

Elmer Phud
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But they can't be Eeeeeeeville - they give us Chrome for free! (and now 'Chrome Krunch', a copy of Chrome with every packet of Cornflakes - well, feck it -- it comes with everything fekking else!)

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Post Office launches mobe service for aged greybeards

Elmer Phud
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Still not sure it's worth it.

I tend to use texts more than anything else apart from when I can slurp some wireless.

As an old bugger my habits are not that of permanent connection - apart from at home.

The phone gets used more for the calendar, memos, clock functions, noise level meter, signal generator, frequency analyser and others -- a box of toys that fits in my pocket.

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Elmer Phud
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Re: TV remotes won't make calls?

Oi!

I have a little rack to bung remotes in to.

It's the youngster that abandon remotes to the stygian depths of the sofa.

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FLICK my FLINT and SNIFF my TREE on the streets of Naples

Elmer Phud
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And to think we only have to put up with countless faces on the telly asking if we've got 'pee pee eye'.

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Only good thing about Twitter CEO storm: 140 character limit gone

Elmer Phud
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Removing character limit

Do we really need another Facebook?

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LOHAN'S PRATCHETT mission set to soar Saturday

Elmer Phud
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Presumably there will be a Playmobil character dressed as Rincewind.

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Nobel bro-ffin: 'Girls in the lab fall in love with me ... then start crying'

Elmer Phud
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Happy

"I truly believe Women should be treated as if they are equal."

No wonder you went AC

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Paper driving licence death day: DVLA website is still TITSUP

Elmer Phud
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Standard Gubermint website

"We have saved a fortune by introducing this central point by which everyone can easily access thier details. As a result, further savings have been made by reconfiguring our personnell numbers"

"Due to unforseen* circumstances this site is currrently unavailable - as we have also binned all those who would have been on phones and screens, tough shit.

We have now given it all to Capita to run and are drying our hands having just washed them of any possible connection to the shit you are currently in."

[Coming soon, more systems to alienate and consfuse]

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'Stolen' art found on nearby shelf. Police keep looking anyway

Elmer Phud
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Traditional index system

"The library has no central inventory list of what it owns, and there is no catalogue of each item. "

'Ask Old Joe, he knows where everything is'

"Can't, he was seen as being an unproductive operative . . ."

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FLYING SAUCER crashes into Pacific off Hawaii - NASA

Elmer Phud
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Re: Seven Is A Lucky Number - And Thus A Key To Success!

"The number seven has many mystic properties" Why?

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Armchair cyber-army vandalizes Uncle Sam's Army.mil website

Elmer Phud
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Facepalm

Re: Nice.....

" Sorry, a computer posting or hack isn't going to win any wars, kids."

Hmm, it sure puts the wind up the supposedly impregnable US military.

For a nation that dictates other countries security checks to have YET ANOTHER site even breifly mucked about with is like some unidentified person leaving a turn in the middle of the carpet in Buck House.

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Chips can kill: Official

Elmer Phud
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And lumps of it can disrupt shipping!

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Elmer Phud
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Re: Rubbish

Sslad --hmmm, sounds a bit Russian to me . . .

Beetroot, radish, carrots, 'red' cabbage -- nasty commie plot

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Elmer Phud
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Re: Eat healthily,

Nah, 'quality' usually means 'bloody expensive'.

Many prefer to get out of thier faces then a decent fry-up.

I could live a 'clean' life but I'd be an even sadder bugger than now.

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Elmer Phud
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Re: I believe the bacon...

Maybe it's 'cos the ones that mother gives you don't do anything at all.

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Elmer Phud
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Trollface

Interfering EU officials!

I refuse to heed calls that will mean me giving up the Chip Butty.

(here follows the basis of a standrd KipperRant)

Bloody EUSSR telling us what we can and can't do . . . (repeat until energy death of universe)

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Festival tech: Charge your mobe while you queue for a pee

Elmer Phud
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Knife fail

No corkscrew, no tweezers.

bah

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Half a billion for BLOODY BIG telescope in Chile

Elmer Phud
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"“we can see smaller things, further away than ever before”,"

Right you are, Ted.

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Chinese bloke escapes execution for Forbidden City nude photo shoot

Elmer Phud
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Re: re. NSFW link

Nooooo!

Not TnA -- it's Artistic!

(best one is the pic of a painting of George Washington -- I can't get over GW having a huge camel-toe and the most impressive thing in the painting is the horse's arse)

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Tossed all your snaps into the new Google Photos? You read the terms, right? ... RIGHT?

Elmer Phud
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WTF?

Sooooo . . . . what's new?

Does anyone read the T&C's on any photo site?

Have people not yet grasped that 'free' often comes with sub-clauses?

You bung stuff on a someone's server and they have a price for the priviledge.

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High-flying LOHAN fan raises ale-filled tankard

Elmer Phud
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"There is a single sample left-handed version, which is now dispensing liquid refreshment to El Reg's Drew Cullen, who is of a sinister persuasion:"

Call us 'sinister' if you like -- but just remember who gets asked to open jars.

It may be a bit gauche but there y'go.

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BRAIN STORM: Nine mislaid cerebra found near railway line in New York

Elmer Phud
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So, which city will have the next body part appearing?

We've had a heart left in San Francisco and now brains in New York.

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Sex disease surge in US state partly blamed on hook-up apps

Elmer Phud
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Re: Just an idea ......

Net Nanny Nookie -- a slip between the sheets of the A/V and you've got a virus.

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The 'echo chamber' effect misleading people on climate change

Elmer Phud
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To Boff or not to Boff

"We have not used the word "boffin" in this article as the researchers involved - sociologists, and as such from the soft-studies sector - do not qualify for that noble appellation."

Thank you for keeping in mind that to be a Boffin you need a pipe and they not only billow out clouds of poisonous smoke but also indicate the user to be a slave of Big Tobacco.

(not sure if there are enough CAPS used for it to be seen as THE TRUTH[tm])

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Elmer Phud
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Re: Echo Chamber

These users tend to choose what they see in front of them.

You still get to see stuff sent by others to you but those are there to be argued over.

I 'follow' Britain Furst and don't feel that Britain First have influenced me (other than firming up my belief they are useless tools of the highest order)

Oh, you also used 'dumbing down' -- now, what influenced you to use that phrase, where did you get it from?

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