* Posts by Elmer Phud

3623 posts • joined 3 Mar 2008

GSMA: Er, sorry about that MWC brothel ad with our logo

Elmer Phud
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That's just the adverts -- you may find that you get slightly over-ripe friut instead.

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Shove off, ugly folk, says site for people who love themselves

Elmer Phud
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Self lovers

So, yet another site for solipsistic wankers.

Must be soooo hard taking money from them folks

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Virtual reality WHIPLASH CHAIR in shutdown scare

Elmer Phud
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Re: Bussines edition…?

In adhering to the standard business model, the decison will be made higher up, the execution of the idea and any attributable blame will go to an underling.

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UK spaceport, phase two: Now where do we PUT the bleeding thing?

Elmer Phud
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S'obvious, innit?

Does Boris the unfeasably useless Johnson know about this?

The (insert lastest 'friend of Boris' here) Spaceport with a feking 'Mayor of London' poster all over it as of he actually had anything to do with it.

He would promise it will all be privately funded and 'somehow' need huge wedges of public funds to complete and run it.

Though the temptation to strap him to a launch vehicle would be hard to resist.

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Botched NBN installs leave folks with no internet, or recourse

Elmer Phud
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And folks moan about BT over here . . .

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Ford to save you from BIKE FITNESS HORROR

Elmer Phud
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Re: The old adage

Or - 10% of the original bike cost?

Tesco? When doing Dr Bikes I've condemned brand new Toys R Us flatpackshite.

'Take it back, you cannot used it as a BMX with the brake cable wrapped round the forks, or gears that don't work. Get yer money back and go to a BIKE SHOP not a 'Shop that sells bikes' "

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Elmer Phud
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Re: Weak article

"The point of an e-bike is not to go faster than a normal bike, it's to be less tiring."

I can only assume you've not seen the shots of the off-road bike that can do 45kph +

Or that my mates new leccy hub thingy gives him 15mph up Muswell Hill?

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Elmer Phud
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Re: Ford: Any gearing you want, as long as it's fixed

"Rohloff"

or the Sheldon bike with three at the front, ten at the back and a 14 speed Rohloff in the hub -- you do it 'cos you can.

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Elmer Phud
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Re: all the wheels?

"It's a bike and at the push of a button it folds into a transit van, with the back wheels removed*"

Well, yes.

That was my first thought.

But being all eco an all that stuff, shirley a brick of compressed paper or passing dolphin or similar?

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Unity, Mozilla team up to bring PEW! PEW! PEW! to browsers, too

Elmer Phud
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Coat

Pew! Pew!

And Cuthbert, Dibble and Grubb?

yes, coat

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'Fry-OS 8' iPhone BLEW UP MY PANTS wails roasted Johnson

Elmer Phud
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Re: "instead of putting it in my pocket, I put it in the seat next to me"

"Not sure whether that says more about the apple demographic "

Fibber -- you know damned well that an iDIOT and his phone can never be parted.

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Is light a wave or a particle? Beaming boffins prove it's BOTH

Elmer Phud
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"On the reaction of a wire-restrained aardvark when irritated with a frikkin' shark-controlled laser pointer."

Erm, you do know that Apple are after $200mil for you using that quote?

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Forget 1,000 lashes for Facebook posts, Saudis now want to behead blogger Raif Badawi

Elmer Phud
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But . . .

But we love Saudis, they are our mates, they buy loads of 'civil disturbance control' stuff from us and Boris Johnson lives up thier collective arses.

What's not to like?

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Elmer Phud
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"Lists are bad m'kay, just don't do it. It always ends badly."

hadaway an shite?

No.

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Tinder Plus charges oldies MORE to ogle young hotties' pics

Elmer Phud
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In my prime?

So, should I wish to use Tinder to locate someone for potential rumpuy-pumpy I'll have to pay top whack.

That's me fucked --or not.

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SpaceX lofts two all-electric ion-drive comsats to Clarke orbit

Elmer Phud
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"So I'll see your Petersen and raise your Kochanski."

Maybe but 'Read the Instructions' is pure Ian M. Banks.

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At night, scary wildlife comes out to play in the chemical factory

Elmer Phud
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""I now take bread with me on site," he told us."

Why?

Take a bloody baseball bat !

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I, ROBOT ~ YOU, MORON. How else will automated news work?

Elmer Phud
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Robo-Journo? Easy

If that pile of poo known as 'Wordle' is used to collect the most significant words and phrases used on newsgroups and the like, then takes a selection of the most frequent, it should be relatively simple to connect the words and phrases together in a load of blather that resembles red-top 'reporting'.

Oh, hang on.

'populist' soundbites used to construct 'news' items.

that'd be Faux News, the Scum or the Fail.

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NO ONE is making money from YouTube, even Google – report

Elmer Phud
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Re: "Child-friendly advertising?!?"

Depends whether it is 'toys' or merely merch.

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BOFH in mugnificent return to Cash'n'Carrion

Elmer Phud
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Pint?

" What do you mean...

... it doesn't contain a full pint?"

Is that one of 'our' pints?

Sounds supiciously like one of 'thiers'.

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Firefox 36 swats bugs, adds HTTP2 and gets certifiably serious

Elmer Phud
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Re: Have they stopped

"No they haven't My leap from 34.0.5 to 36.0 last night broke the search box.

It used to be you select the search engine you want to use and that applies in all windows until changed."

Oddly enough, I did an update on a Vista machine yesterday (ancient battered lappy that is just a toolbox) and today on a W8 lappy.

The Vista one screwed over the search box yet the W8 one is fine (maybe they fixed it)

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EU's zombie data-grab plan climbs out of coffin

Elmer Phud
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Useless tools

When the hammers available to do a job are ignored or not used properly, there is no point in going and buying bigger sledgehammers -- what's needed is to use the stuff already in the toolbox.

Or at least open the toolbox and have a look before buggering off to B&Q for more shiny-shiny

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Who uses the Universal Credit system? ALMOST NOBODY, says report

Elmer Phud
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Re: I struggle to know how seriously to take this...

" All projects are justified by future benefits and all phased implementations start with small user numbers and then aim to snowball into greater volume."

But that's in the REAL world, not that driven by politicians who all want everyne to smell where they have been pissing on lampposts.

Try putting it in perspective - politicians are like Upper Mangement. They have a shelf life of apparently a few years, the forst part is taken up with making as big a name for themselves as possible and the other two thirds is all about advertising yourself for the days to come.

'future benefits' -- please, my sides hurt.

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US trade bods: No, your iPhone can't detect CANCER

Elmer Phud
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WTF?

Minor slap

A proper slap-down is required for these who prey on the weak and ill-informed.

Yes, there is an an element of 'stupid fucks get what they deserve' but many are just people scared shitless by the 'alternative nasty BigPharma' crooks and aresholes with websites advertising 'symposiums' and 'workshops' and other wonderful ways to PWN the desperate.

(see also 'super-diet' twonks)

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Windows 10 to give passwords the finger and dangle dongles

Elmer Phud
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Danglies

I have enough trouble with house keys, car keys and memory sticks -- my pockets can't take another lump.

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UK.gov can't get farmers onto its Verify service – even to claim subsidies

Elmer Phud
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Happy

Re: Slow connection

This is an HM.GOV project -- what do you think?

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Virgin Media to splurge BEELLIONS on UK network infrastructure expansion

Elmer Phud
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"It also claimed that its private network investment would create 6,000 jobs over the next five years and boost the UK's economy by £8bn."

(Victor Meldrew moment)

If, that is, they can stop half the dosh disappearing to HSBC Switzerland.

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Evolve: A shoot-em-up full of scary monsters and super creeps

Elmer Phud
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Medic Class

She should have a woman's beard!

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ATTENTION SETI scientists! It's TOO LATE: ALIENS will ATTACK in 2049

Elmer Phud
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aaaakkk! AAaakkkkk!

What we don't want is to upset our neighbours.

"Oi, you! Turn that fucking noise down. We have a 2 earth-centuries sleep/wake cycle and we're trying to get some shut eye.

If you don't you will be the green and blue ball heading to the big orange pocket."

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Gullible Apple users targeted by bogus order cancellation scam

Elmer Phud
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Grandma

" bad grammar in the spam email"

as if that's going to put off those who play fast and lose with the internet.

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FOCUS! 7680 x 4320 notebook and fondleslab screens are coming

Elmer Phud
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Re: 8k on a laptop?

But at 8k it's better for seeing the cock clearly.

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Elmer Phud
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Re: An 8K fondleslab?

"although when Apple do release it 3 years later,"

as in 'it's been around a while and had the corners knocked off of it'?

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Elmer Phud
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Re: An 8K fondleslab?

"Very, very, very tiny writing that you have to then zoom back to bigger sizes in order to be able to read."

Ah, thanks.

Modelled on the T&C on most contracts then.

(will it also be in light green?)

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Facebook bug could have ERASED the ENTIRE WORLD

Elmer Phud
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And?

Do people only store pics on FB and nowhere else?

Do they think they own them?

Would the servers of the world fall over when the missing cat pics and selfies are uploaded again?

Good grief.

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Reg hacks (and rest of 'Frisco) in LinkedIn measles contagion scare

Elmer Phud
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"Obviously we were dying in our thou... hang on no we weren't."

That's because our mums were exposing us to it at an early age.

And popping off the local clinic to get us jabs.

Unfortunately, it is not possible to vacccinate kids with crystals, incense or 'super-foods'.

Our mums were sensible - -far too many have now fallen for the Autism crap and are now happy to expose pregant women.

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Capita gobbles up more public sector pie

Elmer Phud
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As regards being 'Spawn of the Devil' I think Capita is on track to overtake Google.

I'm witnessing the 'changeover' from my Local Authority to Crapita -- it is a long and painful process and so far has 'advisors' with no bloody worthwhile advice.

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Swedish National Font marches to the sound of whalesong

Elmer Phud
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Re: I am amused

I was waiting to see if someone else had got ther first.

Ta.

(there seem to be some Brits about who welcomed the massacre)

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Capita lands spot on mega £5bn NHS commissioning deal

Elmer Phud
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Re: I forget

"only the names were change to protect the . . ."

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Elmer Phud
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Re: And they wonder why people don't bother voting

There's a difference between Tories who want to flog it all off and UKIP who want to flog off most of it and eager for TTIP?

Really? A difference?

One is a shitty stick and the other a stick with shit on.

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Brit boffins want £50 million to launch exoplanet observatory

Elmer Phud
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How much?

Think what could be funded if they dropped that stupid idea for a train-set.

(I wonder what the latest idea of the costings is now? £80bn?)

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Basic minimum income is a BRILLIANT idea. Small problem: it doesn't work as planned

Elmer Phud
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Re: @JS001 The devil is in the details

" And then tax luxury, not labour not essentials.."

That was the original idea of V.A.T. - but now?

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Calling a friend? Listen to an advert. You lucky, lucky thing

Elmer Phud
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Re: Marketing types....

" as to actually believe that the world is anxiously waiting for your next fart - brain or otherwise."

Otherwise --- they don't wan't people engaging thier brains - brains = poor sales.

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Hey biz – cut fraud with digital ID verification. Yes, like Verify – Maude

Elmer Phud
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Flame

Fraud?

How about some work to recover the unpaid tax from your mates first instead of building smokescreens?

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Major US news organisations to develop ROBOT JOURNALISTS

Elmer Phud
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Journo Bots?

Can we have some programmed in the journalistic style of H.S.T.?

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Elmer Phud
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Re: Ethics Chip?

Most of the tabloid stuff appears to be aimed at the average Ethics resident.

Goes down well in Basildon.

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Assange's cop chaperones have cost £10 MEEELLION to date

Elmer Phud
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Re: i cant beleive

"Out of interest, do we have anyone in our embassies we shouldn't?"

Maybe not embassies but we did keep a dodgy South American bloke in his plane at Northolt for some time.

Mind you, that was more down to the public demanding to know why the little shit was here in the first place. Heavy demands for his arrest while the goverment did a Spike Milligan impresssion:

"What are we going to do now?, what are we going to do now?"

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Elmer Phud
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Re: Why does it cost so much per day

"Is it because occasionally there's a big kerfuffle outside that requires lots of plods "

No.

When was there last a 'big kerfuffle'?

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WHERE'S WALLY? He's in this algorithm, says developer

Elmer Phud
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WTF?

"Olson was quick to acknowledge that his time and capabilities could have been applied to more pressing endeavours."

'more pressing'?

Bloody hell, people get awards for such work.

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Forget robo-butlers – ROBO-MAIDS! New hotel staffed by slave-droids

Elmer Phud
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Re: Don't do it!!!!

Cancun -- humans are cheaper.

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Elmer Phud
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Re: "access their rooms using a facial recognition system"

"Interesting. I thought facial recog systems were not very accurate. If this actually works, it will prove that FRSs can indeed be useful."

Does FRS work if you're outside your room and you are desperate for a dump?

Shirley all that gurning while trying not to Kak yer Keks would cause problems.

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