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* Posts by The elephant in the room

185 posts • joined 13 Feb 2008

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Man's future in space ... Barack Obama: Mars. Narendra Modi: Mars. Vladimir Putin: Er, Moon

The elephant in the room

Re: In Russia rockets land on you!

If there had been an indigenous population up there on that cold dry grey rock looking down at our warm wet blue one, they would have come to us.

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Apple Watch will CONQUER smartwatch world – analysts

The elephant in the room

Smartwatches the killer product for Vertu?

Analysts - what do they know? My own uninformed guess at an area with an opportunity for major growth is super-premium smartwatches: Super-premium phone handsets like Vertu's have so far remained a very niche market. High-end chronometers on the other hand have much more uptake - common even, if a £1000+ watch can be described as such. The sort of people who flaunt such timepieces are not likely to consign them to the sock drawer in favour of a mere Apple, Samsung, Motorola or LG, even if the smart functionality is of value to them. But there is an opportunity for a smartwatch that is elegant & opulent, is not technically or aesthetically compromised in any way by having to meet a mass-market price-point, has some 21st century functionality and reliability and is less derisibly nouveau riche than a Swarovski-encrusted platinum-plated phone.

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Samsung Gear S: Quick, LAUNCH IT – before Apple straps on iWatch

The elephant in the room

It's got to be a wind-up...

2 days of power for a watch was once OK, but they could be recharged in less than a minute with a bit of knob-twiddling. These smart watches look big enough to house a fairly substantial spring.

An LCD matrix or eink would surely extend the battery life. Or maybe a Swiss watchmaker will take some time out from making tasteless footballer bling and go completely steampunk with a micro-mechanical display!

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True fact: 1 in 4 Brits are now TERRORISTS

The elephant in the room

Re: ISIS

Islamic State is better because ISIS is not an anagram of "camel ass titi".

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Gigantic toothless 'DRAGONS' dominated Earth's early skies

The elephant in the room

Gigantic ancient toothless dragon?

Comedy dinosaur Les Dawson would have fashioned a mother-in-law joke from this! But the dinosaurs died out, and mothers-in-law evolved into yo mamas.

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Indian techies-in-training face down MAN-EATING LEOPARD - and WIN

The elephant in the room

There was also an elephant in the room...

...but nobody mentioned it.

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Report: American tech firms charge Britons a thumping nationality tax

The elephant in the room
Pirate

Overpriced software?

There's a crack for that.

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Elon Musk to fund Tesla museum with 'ONE MEEELLION DOLLARS'

The elephant in the room
Boffin

Re: Great Marketing

"Brand Synergy"

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The elephant in the room

Rattling the tin

Monochromatic troubadour Jack White must have a spare bob or two, and, apparently, his own Tesla coil. Fundrasers should perhaps call him next?

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Physicist proposes 1,000-foot state-sized walls to stop tornadoes

The elephant in the room

Ecological chaos!

Wont somebody think of the effect this will have on the butterfly attempting to flap its wings on the other side of the world?

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Microsoft tests HALF-INCH second screen to spur workplace play

The elephant in the room

Underpants gnome diversified business plan

Step 1: make millions of little screens

Step 2:

Step 3: Profit!

Sounds like a slightly less fun version of http://littleprinter.com/

Is this actually the result of a brainstorming session to think of a way of using excess stock of obsolete tiny screens?

But if it takes off and after years of development I suppose in some sci-fi-inspired future it may be commonplace for people to carry about wireless full-colour touch-sensetive screen gadgets for communication & time-wasting purposes.

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Toyota catches up to William Gibson with LED hood

The elephant in the room

As seen last year in London

I saw a Mini with LED screens all over it in London last year. Here it is:

"http://www.creativeguerrillamarketing.com/projection-mapping/mini-launches-worlds-first-hi-res-interactive-led-car-miniartbeat/"

Rather like the recent "Peak Beard" article, these cars are eyecatching when unique but when every chump in a traffic jam is lit up like a council house at Christmas the car that stands out will be the the one that isn't trying to stand out.

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Oh, wow. US Secret Service wants a Twitter sarcasm-spotter

The elephant in the room

Wayne's World-style proto-hastag detection?

Perhaps they dont realise that some people (i.e. evil-doers) can be sarcastic without overtly flagging it in the manner of "I think the NSA are guardians of liberty... NOT!"

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Google TOO WHITE and MALE, says HR boss, looking in mirror

The elephant in the room

Google too white for you pimps & hos? Try this:

http://www.blackle.com/

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Tech that we want (but they never seem to give us)

The elephant in the room

Without needing any new technological development

Central locking for your house

Phones & tablets with full-size standard ports & slots (easily accomadated in the extra thickness already agreed for a decent battery)

Desk phones that don't require a forgettable training a course to use despite having a millionth of the functionality of a smartphone requiring no training

A standard size or range of sizes for digital camera batteries

DAB radios that aren't f*****g ugly

Cars with scratch and dent-resistant self-coloured plastic bodywork

Ability to have a dark background in Outlook

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A first-world problem solved: Panoramic selfies, thanks to Huawei's Ascend P7

The elephant in the room
Joke

Re: FFS

Unless you have a phone branded "Smallcock" with a logo in the shape of a small cock pointing at your mouth.

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Teen girl arrested with 70-year-old man's four inch weapon inside her

The elephant in the room

With a suspicious camel toe

she shot herself in the foot!

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Brit game devs WILL get tax relief for, er, EastEnders Game and Legend of Slough

The elephant in the room

Point & click paedo hunt

beard <click>

beard <click>

taking a photo at a school play <click>

used to be on childrens tv <click>

dog collar <click>

gold shell suit <click>

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The elephant in the room

Daily Mail Reader blood pressure survival game

Guide a reactionary Middle Englander through a town centre full of imigrants on benefits, gay weddings, modern art, skateboarders, yoghurt bars, young people not looking where they are going while texting, young people playing loud music in Vauxhall Corsas, young people loitering in the park, young people wearing hoodies, young people pushing prams and so on, without their blood pressure rising to head-exploding levels. Collect beta-blockers and Franklin Mint china power-ups.

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Malaysia Airlines mystery: Click here for the TRUTH

The elephant in the room

So what is going on?

A vanished plane is the kind of story I look to The Register for to inform me about the arcane details of air traffic control transponders, black boxes, space & submarine monitoring capabilities etc.

How does one infer from the transmission that the satellite picked up that the search corridor is an arc stretching both north and south (geometry pedants you know what I mean) from the last known position?

Why is there a need to have the functionality to allow an identification beacon on a civil aircraft be switched off in flight?

Given that there is one known received transmission, can its timestamp be used to identify likely blips in backround static that other radio-frequency sensitive systems on the planet might have recorded, to enable even approximate triangulation?

Would a 777 crashing into the sea make a noise that could be recorded by submarine listening arrays like SOSUS? If so would the owner of the array consider it to be revealing too much information about their capabilities to mention it?

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Massive new AIRSHIP to enter commercial service at British dirigible base

The elephant in the room

Re: Hybrid helium - hydrogen?

How about helium-hot air, using the engine exhaust?

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Reports pump fuel into iCar gossip: Apple in 'talks' with Tesla

The elephant in the room

Triumph of the WiLL

The notion of an iCar reminds me of early 2000s' Japanese hipster omnibranding exercise WiLL:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/WiLL

Perusing the WiLL portfolio, perhaps we can also look forward to an iDrink and iSmell; perhaps even holidays in iBiza...

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Volunteers slam plans to turn Bletchley Park into 'geeky Disneyland'

The elephant in the room
Happy

Re: Whilst I want Bletchley to keep going

Hi, I'm Troy McClure; You may remember me from interactive exhibits such as "Electric Eeels - The Shocking Truth" and "Codfather - The Captain Birdseye Story"...

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Developers: Behold the bug NOBODY can fix

The elephant in the room
Happy

What's a fork bomb?

Sounsd like something Q would make.

Looking at the picture I thought it was supposed to be a row of smileys.

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RIP Comet ISON: ???-2013. We hardly knew ye

The elephant in the room
Mushroom

Re: Such a funeral pyre demands a soundtrack

eins

Hier kommt die Sonne

zwei

Hier kommt die Sonne

drei

Sie ist der hellste Stern von allen

vier

Hier kommt die Sonne

funf

Hier kommt die Sonne

sechs

Hier kommt die Sonne

sieben

Sie ist der hellste Stern von allen

acht, neun

Hier kommt die Sonne

Die Sonne scheint mir aus den Händen

kann verbrennen kann dich blenden

wenn sie aus den Fäusten bricht

legt sich heiss auf dein Gesicht

legt sich schmerzend auf die Brust

das Gleichgewicht wird zum Verlust

lässt dich hart zu Boden gehen

und die Welt zählt laut bis zehn

-Rammstein

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SCRUBBED: Technical oopsies halt SpaceX's bid for the Money Ring

The elephant in the room
Thumb Up

KSP

I'd not heard of KSP - looks like a great game! Thanks for the heads up.

https://kerbalspaceprogram.com/

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'MacGyver' geezer makes 'SHOTGUN, GRENADE' from airport shop tat

The elephant in the room

- a little plastic bag

made of highly enriched weapons-grade terrorthene, as opposed to chemically identical Patriot Polymer, which coincidentally you didnt pay the gangsters who run Luton Airport £1 for.

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Qatar whips covers off giant footballing vagina

The elephant in the room

Re: it doesn't look like a camel toe :(

Maybe French wrapper Christo could provide a lycra cover create that effect...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Christo_and_Jeanne-Claude

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RETRO-GASM: The Fuze electronics kit for the Raspberry Pi

The elephant in the room
Headmaster

Re: Sub standard

"DEF PROC"

That sparks a very faint glimmer of recognition in my mind - recognition of a term I had absolutely no idea the meaning of back then and am none the wiser now; though as a grown up would hazard a guess is an abbreviation for "define procedure" or "process". I'm probably wrong. Perhaps it is "cool public relations orange county". The problem was IT teaching back then fell to the maths teacher and basically (no pun intended) consisted of typing out code in a book. Or maybe the problem was just me. Either way, I rarely understood a line of it ; and being a slow and bad typer, the computer rarely understood me. To me it seemed unintuitive abbreviations of unintuitive words, and if the computer could understand weird obtuse stuff, why didnt they just make it understand words that were easy to understand? It really did seem that they had been deliberately designed to be as incomprehensible as possible. I think most of the class was the same, but a couple of kids just "got it" and raced a couple of books ahead of everyone else. Needless to say, I dont have anything to do with code as a grown-up. They are probably .com millionaires. I kind of like the idea of Raspberry Pis and similar as I love gadgets and Making, but unfortunately the memory of programming misery the first time around is still enough to keep me put off dipping a toe in the water at this stage. I'd like to think that the education system has had a lot more time to get to grips with teaching programming effectively; but to be honest I still think it is far far more important & useful to teach kids how to use web browsers & Office than how to code. There will always be a couple of adept kids honing their skillz in their bedrooms & after-school classes who will become the programmers of the future; but for the majority, knowing how to use software is more important to their career prospects than knowing how to make software. Probably the wrong place to air a view like that - but I come here mostly for EMP weapons, molten salt reactors and Playmobile reconstructions...

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McDonalds tells fatties to SUPERSIZE THEIR BRAINS

The elephant in the room
Childcatcher

In other news, Highbrow publisher to give away burgers:

The Emperor Penguin was quoted "Many of our readers are insufferable middle-class foodies. We are inviting them to challenge their preconceptions about dining and nutrition by offering an authentic taste of Urban Realism with vouchers for free Big Mac Meals".

The promotion has created a positive response on the publisher's website with one reader posting:

"I'd heard of McDonald's before but assumed it was Scottish food, and that a Big Mac would be an enormous pile of haggis and deep-fried Mars bars; so I was pleasantly surprised to find that it was a kind of American-style beef burger. I did ask for mine to be cooked "Saignant" which the chef apparently did not understand, but the service was remarkably fast. Some great calamity in the kitchen had resulted in a total lack of cutlery, but I noticed a rude-looking fellow so hungry that he was simply eating with his hands, and do you know what I gave it a go too, and I liked it so help me. And maybe I was just caught up in the sheer visceral authenticity of the moment, really living like some character in an Irvine Welsh novel, but the burger somehow seemed wholly more satisfying than my usual lunch of tofu & mixed leaves salad, so I felt compelled to leave a generous tip!"

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Brit inventor Dyson challenges EU ruling on his hoover's energy efficiency ratings

The elephant in the room

Re: A can of worms..

F*ck your hairy pussy!

Sorry, couldn't help myself.

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Stallman's GNU at 30: The hippie OS that foresaw the rise of Apple - and is now trying to take it on

The elephant in the room
Coat

I shot the last Stallman's Gnu in Rhodesia

There's my khaki jacket; I'm taking the pith helmet too.

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Iranian cyberwar chief shot dead. Revolutionary Guard: Assassination? Don't 'speculate'

The elephant in the room

It was probably just some kid

with a 3d printer. He was acting out the violence in video games. If only the government had a censorship ministry to block that sort of depravity, what a safe, happy, peaceful place Iran would be.

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Dixons preps home 3D printer for plastic-piping punters

The elephant in the room

An entire legion of my best troops...

What could really get the ball rolling is if Disney release the inevitable full cast of figures in Episodes 7, 8 & 9 as 3D models to print & paint. Possibly a "droid foundry" styled printer to make them with too. Because if they dont, it is a certainty that someone will scan the figures and upload to child-unsafe filesharing sites - better to experiment with nurturing a potentially huge new area of the toy market than inevitably fail to supress illegal downloads that cannot be ignored but would never fulfil their true potential.

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ATOM SMASHER ON A CHIP technology demonstrated

The elephant in the room
Boffin

Integrate with Google Glass and...

...X-ray spex!

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Penguins, I give you: The SOLAR-POWERED Ubuntu laptop

The elephant in the room
Boffin

Re: bad bad bad design!

You raise not only a good point, but also a startpoint for a nice hardware hack project for anyone with an old laptop and a solar panel, perhaps this £15 one http://www.maplin.co.uk/12v-4w-solar-briefcase-348061 from Maplin. To the Shed!

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Hackers induce 'CATASTROPHIC FAILURE' in mock oil well

The elephant in the room
Mushroom

Black Hat 2013 or Black Suit 1982

OK this isnt a fair comparison as deliberately writing spiked firmware is an entirely different kind of game, but the end result is the same:

"http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Siberian_pipeline_sabotage"

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May the fourths be with you: Muso John Williams returns to Star Wars

The elephant in the room

Episode 7: The Triumph of Hope over Experience

a working title?

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Indian military pondered attack on Venus and Jupiter

The elephant in the room
Boffin

Best to double-check - could be an Eastern twist on the classic Jerry trick...

Look out Sanjay! A flight of Charlies diving at us out of Venus! TAKATAKATAKATAKATAKATAKATAKA Aiiiiiiieeeeeeeeee!

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WAR ON PORN: UK flicks switch on 'I am a pervert' web filters

The elephant in the room

Missed opportunity

Given the way governments profit from other far more fatal dirty habits, how come they aren't working out how to tax porn rather than how to censor it?

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Rest your head against a train window, hear VOICES in your SKULL

The elephant in the room
Megaphone

A smashing idea

One of the many things that distress me about public transport is discovering that some unwashed prole has slouched their greasy locks against the window, leaving an unhygenic patch of soft focus in my view. If messages are to be pumped into the glass then let it be a drill sergeant bellowing "GET YOUR FILTHY HEAD OFF MY WINDOW YOU HORRIBLE LITTLE OIK!"

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Doctor Who? 12th incarnation sought after Matt Smith quits

The elephant in the room

Someone who can do action and philosophie...

Eric Cantona

- He's not speaking with a French accent - its a tenure-long glitch with the Tardis's translation maguffin

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Kettle 'which looks like HITLER' brews up sturm in a teacup

The elephant in the room

More kettles that dont look very much like people

Cartman:

http://bit.ly/18AZfRj

Kenny:

http://bit.ly/10Kgn1P

Neo:

http://bit.ly/10CcIGA

Jean-Luc Picard:

http://bit.ly/18ymbTO

Mr Potatohead:

http://bit.ly/16sjQKd

Time to get back to work...

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China's 'human flesh search' hunts down teen vandal

The elephant in the room

An amature effort

Google image search "Chephren Belzoni graffiti" to see how the pros do it.

When I visited Abu Simbel I found that somebody, presumably Victorian judging by the serif "typeface" they used, had already carved my initials!

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Boffins' invisible magnetic ring pieces: Next-gen mobe emitters

The elephant in the room
Trollface

Magnets?

How the fuck do they work?

I'm so 4 years ago.

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Lasers capture 3D images from a kilometre away

The elephant in the room

Streetview 2.0

Looks like those painstakingly modelled 3D buildings are about to be made obsolete!

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Rocket boffinry in pictures: Gulp the Devil's venom and light a match

The elephant in the room
Flame

Re: Obligatory

Despite absolutely not following that link Ignition seems to have fallen into my computer, and I see it has a foreword by some chap called Isaac Asimov!

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