255 posts • joined 29 Jan 2008
I wonder if Scunthorpe is acceptable as a password.
So, a jew, a muslim and a giraffe entered a pub...
"You, El Reg and a doctor walk into a Monopoly Pubcrawl chinwag"
I'm Jewish. Can I be included in this joke.
"Put the shades on and you'll look less of a spanner"
Nah, sorry. You'll still look like a complete spanner.
'On the internet there are certain things you can be pretty sure of. Nubile young women lusting after you probably aren't (any of those things); free stuff almost certainly isn't free, and may not even be stuff...'
I'm surprised you didn't mention cats.
Splendid news, chaps.
Deaf to users...
'Of course, if MS don't start listening to their customers soon then that could be the best thing that has ever happened to linux.'
MS has never listened to their customers. If they had, Windows would have been on XP version 93 by now. I'd guess that 90-95% of users are only on Windows 8/8.1 because they bought a desktop or laptop with it already installed, not through choice. The MS plan of forcing users to incessantly upgrade is simply not working.
And, like it or not, Linux will not be the beneficiary. If that was the case, the Linux percentage would have hit 95% when Vista appeared and was revealed as the disaster that it was. If Linux couldn't take over then, it never will.
Yeah, I know. Linux-head downvotes...
I'm hungry now.
Oh, how I wish that were true.
I can't believe I enjoyed reading that. There must be something wrong with me.
Smelly pirates ahoy...
"And we shall go about telling people you smell."
Actually, that'd probably work a lot better than the current crappy plan.
Ohmigod, they're going to tell me off - in writing! That'll stop me and the rest of the world. Aaarrr, Jim lad, etc...
Mogpiss Monday Blues
'True fact: Your CAT wees for as long as you do'
Except when it's a neighbour's cat and it's pissing all over my garden (and don't even get me started on cat's crapping everywhere).
I've been told I look a bit like a teddy bear. Sorted. No batteries required either.
About bloody time!
'The Labour Party has promised to put the brakes on the deeply troubled Universal Credit system for three months...'
It's about time Labour got off its communal arse and announced that it will kick UC into touch permanently, along with that moronic liar Iain Duncan Smith.
My naughty Aunt M
My very naughty Aunt M was shagging the science master at the posh school they both worked at when I was a mere sprog. Said master wore a white coat in the lab so Auntie M could have been said to have been boffing the boffin, the bad girl.
Still better than muffin the mule though!
WANTED: New head of crashingly expensive, error-prone and frankly cursed one-dole-to-rule-them-all system
'The Register asked the DWP why it needed 12 months to seek out Shiplee's successor.'
Because if they moved any faster they'd run the risk of trying to get the whole UC disaster up and running while trawling for votes. This way, win or lose, UC is a non-issue for the time being. Politics at its most cynical though par for the course for IDS and the rest of this bunch of arse dildoes.
Oh, dear me...
Winkdex? Seriously? That certainly adds gravitas.
What a shame
'Iran brands Facebook boss Zuckerberg an 'American Zionist''
What a shame If they'd just called him a 'complete wanker', we could all have agreed.
'Tesco to flog its own smartphone'
Can we get two for the price of one?
Sweaty Betty Ballmer
You'd've thought with a zillion dollars tucked away, Ballmer could afford a decent anti-perspirant.
Any partnership with EA is, in my opinion, doomed to failure. Look at the recent Sims fiasco and the constant disaster that is Need For Speed World.
Cheap as chips
'A teardown report on Google Glass is raising eyebrows over suggestions that the augmented reality headset costs as little as $80 to produce.'
Is anybody surprised?
These look really good and I'm sure are terribly exciting for a lot of people but I'm really struggling to think of a sensible use for them.
Bring Back Basic
"I remember coding in Locomotive BASIC on the Amstrad CPC 464"
Me, too. Surprisingly, it was a lot of fun. :-)
"But where's the missing 650k-ish BTC?"
I'd check under the Winkelvoss' mattress.
It's perfectly obvious to the meanest intelligence (mine); it's Bigfoot having a swim.
"The other half want to be like John McAfee."
What, a complete nutjob?
Re: Deal With It!
I've got twenty of these saved wit Mt Gox. Er...
"Perhaps I'm taking your comment too seriously but you do realise that the sword isn't real?"
That'd be even more fun! :-) No, I was thinking more along the lines of an unlucky punch decking someone coming in to see what all the noise was about.
“Morpheus will reproduce the player’s hands and sword within the game so the player feels like they are physically fighting off enemies with their sword in the virtual world.”
So your partner, who has just walked into the living room, just happens to momentarily occupy the real space that is currently virtually-filled by some zombie/robot/gangster who is trying to kill you in-game...
I wonder how long it'll be before the accused in a murder trial comes up with 'I was only playing Zombie Apocalypse 9, m'lord'.
"WSUS Offline is pretty useful. It allows you to make an ISO full of Microsoft updates that you can then install on a bunch of machines without them all fighting to download the updates several times over."
Excellent. Have an upvote. :-)
"A Linux USB stick"
And a downvote for you for trying to score a cheap point inappropriately.
Well done, El Reg. A fine and worthy project.
Bleeding pigs, that was close!
It's not spying if it's information-gathering
"...Sullivan's boss made an angry call to the White House to complain about intelligence agents using Facebook as a conduit for spying on people."
Irony, hypocrisy or just taking the piss?
Graphene, is there anything it can't do?
Can it make a decent cup of tea?
I'd never even heard of WhatsApp before Zuckerberg threw his money at it, so I neither knew nor cared how secure (or otherwise) it was. Strangely enough, now it's part of the Facebook empire, I REALLY don't give a shit.
"Apple suffered a rare outage last night which knocked iCloud, iTunes and several other fruity websites off the internet."
Oh dear, how sad, don't care.
"with the addition of warnings to stop players being consumed by it"
The sub-heading got it right - 'get a life'.
Bizarre that Talula Does The Hula is deeply frowned upon (I thought it was quite sweet) while Number 16 Bus Shelter is approved. It's a very peculiar world.
Mind you, this is from someone who named his youngest son Henry William Twelve Minutes (perfectly legally in the UK) in celebration of the twelve minutes it took from waters breaking to birth.
It's no good blaming a single country - the fault lies squarely with capitalism as a system. Get rid of that or at the least make it harder for capitalism's worst excesses to damage economies or blight the lives of the people who actually do all the work, and we might end up with a world worth living in.
That makes more sense. Thanks for the explanation.
I don't get it...
"How DUMB are you???"
How RUDE are you???
"'flat' paper is 3D close up!"
And still quite a lot of atoms thick. Now have a very close look at something consisting of no atoms at all and tell me THAT'S 3D.
"It makes them very short 3D objects unless they are either no atoms wide or no atoms deep."
Surely that'd make them non-existent.
Marsonek doesn't look bonkers at all, does he.
Weird smut, please.
South Park to the rescue!
Turn your head to the left and cough, please.
"Just saying, but it would have been nice to play a girl as I am like, you know, a fucking girl."
Sorry, what's a girl?
That's a geeky joke, by the way, just in case some miserable fucker doesn't get it.
Re: PC version not censored
Looking forward to this SO much - but people need to know about the censoring. More info here: http://www.theguardian.com/technology/2014/mar/05/south-park-stick-of-truth-game-censored-europe
No Maplins within walking distance but...
"And where does the average slipper-and-cardigan home computer owner find matrix board, resistors and the like in the mid-1990s?"
Tandy (Radio Shack). I managed one of their stores for three ghastly years and while they may be the shittiest of companies from the point of view of the employee, for a geek/nerd they were the resistor/capacitor/componentofyourchoice wet dream. Even now, donkey's years after I left that shit-ridden company, I find it hard to resist (hah - geddit?) going in and rummaging through the bubblepacks of goodies while drooling and fondling everything in sight*.
*I appreciate that this makes me sound a bit weird but fuck you, I don't care.
Hands off the bollocks!
"Roll up, roll up for the Commentards' Ball"
You leave my fucking balls alone!
Can't be there. I'm tucked away in the dark and damp North West. But have a great time and several beers on me, you lucky bastards!
- Infosec geniuses hack a Canon PRINTER and install DOOM
- Feature Be your own Big Brother: Monitoring your manor, the easy way
- Boffins say they've got Lithium batteries the wrong way around
- In a spin: Samsung accuses LG exec of washing machine SABOTAGE
- Phones 4u slips into administration after EE cuts ties with Brit mobe retailer