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* Posts by Ketlan

258 posts • joined 29 Jan 2008

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'MYSTERIOUS PYRAMID STRUCTURE' found on COMET beyond Mars: Landing planned

Ketlan
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Devil

What?

Sorry, but how the fuck is that pyramid-shaped???

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One million people have bonked on London public transport

Ketlan
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Devil

Bonkers

I bonked on London Transport and British Rail many times with various partners when I was considerably younger, long before Oyster Cards and mobile phones existed. Though we called it a bunk-up in those days. Close, I guess.

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George Clooney, WikiLeaks' lawyer wife hand out burner phones to wedding guests

Ketlan
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Meh

Gawd

Yawn, sorry...

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Virgin Media blocks 'wankers' from permissible passwords

Ketlan
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Happy

Oo-er missus...

I wonder if Scunthorpe is acceptable as a password.

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You, El Reg and a doctor walk into a Monopoly Pubcrawl chinwag

Ketlan
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Happy

So, a jew, a muslim and a giraffe entered a pub...

"You, El Reg and a doctor walk into a Monopoly Pubcrawl chinwag"

I'm Jewish. Can I be included in this joke.

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Reg man looks through a Glass, darkly: Google's toy ploy or killer tech specs?

Ketlan
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Thumb Down

Non-optional spannerisation...

"Put the shades on and you'll look less of a spanner"

Nah, sorry. You'll still look like a complete spanner.

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The Register to boldly go where no Vulture has gone before: The WEEKEND

Ketlan
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Happy

Loadsa pussies

'On the internet there are certain things you can be pretty sure of. Nubile young women lusting after you probably aren't (any of those things); free stuff almost certainly isn't free, and may not even be stuff...'

I'm surprised you didn't mention cats.

Splendid news, chaps.

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Time to move away from Windows 7 ... whoa, whoa, who said anything about Windows 8?

Ketlan
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Facepalm

Deaf to users...

'Of course, if MS don't start listening to their customers soon then that could be the best thing that has ever happened to linux.'

MS has never listened to their customers. If they had, Windows would have been on XP version 93 by now. I'd guess that 90-95% of users are only on Windows 8/8.1 because they bought a desktop or laptop with it already installed, not through choice. The MS plan of forcing users to incessantly upgrade is simply not working.

And, like it or not, Linux will not be the beneficiary. If that was the case, the Linux percentage would have hit 95% when Vista appeared and was revealed as the disaster that it was. If Linux couldn't take over then, it never will.

Yeah, I know. Linux-head downvotes...

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Chomp that sausage: Brits just LOVE scoffing a Full Monty

Ketlan
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Angel

Yum...

I'm hungry now.

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Newly spawned Dixons Carphone leaps onto LSE as £12bn sales org

Ketlan
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Happy

Dix R'Us

"Dix Warehouse"

Oh, how I wish that were true.

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Reg Latin scholars scrap over LOHAN's stirring motto

Ketlan
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Happy

I can't believe I enjoyed reading that. There must be something wrong with me.

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You! Pirate! Stop pirating, or we shall admonish you politely. Repeatedly, if necessary

Ketlan
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Pirate

Smelly pirates ahoy...

"And we shall go about telling people you smell."

Actually, that'd probably work a lot better than the current crappy plan.

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Ketlan
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Pirate

Eek!

Ohmigod, they're going to tell me off - in writing! That'll stop me and the rest of the world. Aaarrr, Jim lad, etc...

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True fact: Your CAT wees ... like a racehorse

Ketlan
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Devil

Mogpiss Monday Blues

'True fact: Your CAT wees for as long as you do'

Except when it's a neighbour's cat and it's pissing all over my garden (and don't even get me started on cat's crapping everywhere).

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Creepy battery-operated TEDDY BEAR SEX TOY. Sadly, this is for real

Ketlan
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Happy

Slurp this...

I've been told I look a bit like a teddy bear. Sorted. No batteries required either.

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Labour vows: We'll pause one-dole-to-rule-them-all for drastic fix-up if elected in 2015

Ketlan
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Flame

About bloody time!

'The Labour Party has promised to put the brakes on the deeply troubled Universal Credit system for three months...'

It's about time Labour got off its communal arse and announced that it will kick UC into touch permanently, along with that moronic liar Iain Duncan Smith.

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DAMN you El Reg, CALL ME A BOFFIN, demands enraged boffin

Ketlan
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Happy

My naughty Aunt M

My very naughty Aunt M was shagging the science master at the posh school they both worked at when I was a mere sprog. Said master wore a white coat in the lab so Auntie M could have been said to have been boffing the boffin, the bad girl.

Still better than muffin the mule though!

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WANTED: New head of crashingly expensive, error-prone and frankly cursed one-dole-to-rule-them-all system

Ketlan
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FAIL

Election ahoy!

'The Register asked the DWP why it needed 12 months to seek out Shiplee's successor.'

Because if they moved any faster they'd run the risk of trying to get the whole UC disaster up and running while trawling for votes. This way, win or lose, UC is a non-issue for the time being. Politics at its most cynical though par for the course for IDS and the rest of this bunch of arse dildoes.

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Winklevoss twins eye up NASDAQ: Publicly traded Bitcoin fund... what could go wrong?

Ketlan
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Facepalm

Oh, dear me...

Winkdex? Seriously? That certainly adds gravitas.

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Iran brands Facebook boss Zuckerberg an 'American Zionist', bans WhatsApp

Ketlan
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Devil

What a shame

'Iran brands Facebook boss Zuckerberg an 'American Zionist''

What a shame If they'd just called him a 'complete wanker', we could all have agreed.

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Tesco to tout its own smartphone – now THAT'S an unexpected item in the bagging area

Ketlan
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Meh

Wotta bargain!

'Tesco to flog its own smartphone'

Can we get two for the price of one?

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McAfee chap is back in crypto-wrap chat app back flap

Ketlan
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Facepalm

Gawd...

'He's baaaaack'

Oh, ffs...

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Who's top Microsoft shareholder? Uh oh, it's STEVE BALLMER

Ketlan
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Devil

Sweaty Betty Ballmer

You'd've thought with a zillion dollars tucked away, Ballmer could afford a decent anti-perspirant.

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Comcast and EA said to be planning streaming games service

Ketlan
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Unhappy

EA...oh dear

Any partnership with EA is, in my opinion, doomed to failure. Look at the recent Sims fiasco and the constant disaster that is Need For Speed World.

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Google Glass teardown puts rock-bottom price on hardware

Ketlan
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Cheap as chips

'A teardown report on Google Glass is raising eyebrows over suggestions that the augmented reality headset costs as little as $80 to produce.'

Is anybody surprised?

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Behold! World's smallest 3D-printer pen Lix artists into shape – literally

Ketlan
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Meh

Fab. Er...

These look really good and I'm sure are terribly exciting for a lot of people but I'm really struggling to think of a sensible use for them.

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10 PRINT "Happy 50th Birthday, BASIC" : GOTO 10

Ketlan
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Happy

Bring Back Basic

"I remember coding in Locomotive BASIC on the Amstrad CPC 464"

Me, too. Surprisingly, it was a lot of fun. :-)

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Bankrupt Bitcoin bunker blender begins: MtGox admin starts liquefaction

Ketlan
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Devil

Missing bitdosh

"But where's the missing 650k-ish BTC?"

I'd check under the Winkelvoss' mattress.

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Och aye! It's the Loch Ness Monster – but only Apple fanbois can see it

Ketlan
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Facepalm

S'obvious, innit

It's perfectly obvious to the meanest intelligence (mine); it's Bigfoot having a swim.

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Over half of software developers think they'll be millionaires – study

Ketlan
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Devil

Bonkers McAfee

"The other half want to be like John McAfee."

What, a complete nutjob?

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QUIDOCALYPSE: Blighty braces for £100 MILLION cost of new £1 coin

Ketlan
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Unhappy

Re: Deal With It!

I've got twenty of these saved wit Mt Gox. Er...

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Virtual reality? Two can play THAT GAME, says Sony: New headset revealed for the PS4

Ketlan
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Re: Hmmm...

"Perhaps I'm taking your comment too seriously but you do realise that the sword isn't real?"

That'd be even more fun! :-) No, I was thinking more along the lines of an unlucky punch decking someone coming in to see what all the noise was about.

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Ketlan
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Devil

Hmmm...

“Morpheus will reproduce the player’s hands and sword within the game so the player feels like they are physically fighting off enemies with their sword in the virtual world.”

So your partner, who has just walked into the living room, just happens to momentarily occupy the real space that is currently virtually-filled by some zombie/robot/gangster who is trying to kill you in-game...

I wonder how long it'll be before the accused in a murder trial comes up with 'I was only playing Zombie Apocalypse 9, m'lord'.

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Help a hack: What's in your ultimate Windows XP migration toolkit?

Ketlan
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Thumb Up

Useful stuff

"WSUS Offline is pretty useful. It allows you to make an ISO full of Microsoft updates that you can then install on a bunch of machines without them all fighting to download the updates several times over."

Excellent. Have an upvote. :-)

"A Linux USB stick"

And a downvote for you for trying to score a cheap point inappropriately.

Well done, El Reg. A fine and worthy project.

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NASA: Earth JUST dodged comms-killing SOLAR BLAST in 2012

Ketlan
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Alert

Whoa!

Bleeding pigs, that was close!

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Facebook security chief: We're not encrypting everything between our data centers just yet

Ketlan
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WTF?

It's not spying if it's information-gathering

"...Sullivan's boss made an angry call to the White House to complain about intelligence agents using Facebook as a conduit for spying on people."

Irony, hypocrisy or just taking the piss?

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Tiny heat-sucker helps keep Moore's Law going

Ketlan
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Devil

Graphene, is there anything it can't do?

Can it make a decent cup of tea?

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WhatsApp chats not as secret as you think

Ketlan
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Pffft...

I'd never even heard of WhatsApp before Zuckerberg threw his money at it, so I neither knew nor cared how secure (or otherwise) it was. Strangely enough, now it's part of the Facebook empire, I REALLY don't give a shit.

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Fanbois SQUEAL as DNS snafu knocks out iTunes website

Ketlan
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Meh

Meh

"Apple suffered a rare outage last night which knocked iCloud, iTunes and several other fruity websites off the internet."

Oh dear, how sad, don't care.

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You thought it was dead – but Flappy Bird may return: Millions prepare to poke own eyes out

Ketlan
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Devil

Not again...

"with the addition of warnings to stop players being consumed by it"

The sub-heading got it right - 'get a life'.

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NZ bloke's drunken poker bet ends in 99-letter name

Ketlan
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Happy

Worra laff

Bizarre that Talula Does The Hula is deeply frowned upon (I thought it was quite sweet) while Number 16 Bus Shelter is approved. It's a very peculiar world.

Mind you, this is from someone who named his youngest son Henry William Twelve Minutes (perfectly legally in the UK) in celebration of the twelve minutes it took from waters breaking to birth.

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Academic blames US for tech titans' tax dodge

Ketlan
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Flame

That's capitalism

It's no good blaming a single country - the fault lies squarely with capitalism as a system. Get rid of that or at the least make it harder for capitalism's worst excesses to damage economies or blight the lives of the people who actually do all the work, and we might end up with a world worth living in.

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Boffins build bendy screen using LEDs just THREE atoms thick

Ketlan
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Fair enough

That makes more sense. Thanks for the explanation.

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Ketlan
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Facepalm

I don't get it...

"How DUMB are you???"

How RUDE are you???

"'flat' paper is 3D close up!"

And still quite a lot of atoms thick. Now have a very close look at something consisting of no atoms at all and tell me THAT'S 3D.

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Ketlan
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Devil

What?

"It makes them very short 3D objects unless they are either no atoms wide or no atoms deep."

Surely that'd make them non-existent.

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Florida bloke cuffed for pit bull shag outrage

Ketlan
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Devil

Eek!

Marsonek doesn't look bonkers at all, does he.

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Show more CANADIAN-MADE PORN, insists Canadian government

Ketlan
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Devil

Weird smut, please.

South Park to the rescue!

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Twin GEEKS: NASA studies identical brothers – one on Earth, one IN SPAAAACE

Ketlan
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Devil

Metabolomics?

"metabolomics"

Turn your head to the left and cough, please.

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'Mommy got me an UltraVibe Pleasure 2000 for Xmas!' South Park: Stick of Truth

Ketlan
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Devil

Re: Girls

"Just saying, but it would have been nice to play a girl as I am like, you know, a fucking girl."

Sorry, what's a girl?

That's a geeky joke, by the way, just in case some miserable fucker doesn't get it.

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