* Posts by Dr Patrick J R Harkin

745 posts • joined 22 Jan 2008

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Reports: First death from meteorite impact recorded in India

Dr Patrick J R Harkin

"This is President Obama calling from the White House."

Mr Willis, your government needs your skills for a very important assignment.

What? No, of course I know that was a movie and we haven't got the technology to do anything about the planet killer headed our way. I need you to appear in some TV footage which makes it look like we do. We're calling it Project Apollo Eleven Part 2...

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Face, meet book: Zuckerberg plans to dabble in AI this year

Dr Patrick J R Harkin

He wants to create Jarvis?

He has SEEN Age of Ultron, hasn't he?

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Periodic table enjoys elemental engorgement

Dr Patrick J R Harkin

Bollocks.

I'm going to have to buy a new shower curtain. http://www.lightinthebox.com/periodic-table-of-elements-shower-curtain_p1359738.html

I assume the 91% price cut is due to this model now being obsolete.

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Brit filmmaker plans 10hr+ Paint Drying epic

Dr Patrick J R Harkin

He won't need to reshoot any footage to make it longer.

Just stick in some slow motion sequences.

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NASA palms off blunder-bot Valkyrie for top US universities to fix

Dr Patrick J R Harkin

They've sent Valkyrie to university?

Well, if it can fall over and flail around on the ground while being unable to get up, it'll fit right in with our freshers.

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Apple's Watch charging pad proves Cupertino still screwing buyers

Dr Patrick J R Harkin

This is just Step 1.

In Step 2, you will need to have special Apple-manufactured iElectricity, made of iElectrons with rounded corners.

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'I posted winning race ticket in Facebook selfie ... and someone stole it!'

Dr Patrick J R Harkin

Re: Obviously intelligence is not involved in either betting or boasting.

"Yes, I know that's an overly complicated and tech-heavy solution to a problem that could just be avoided with some care, but hey, that's why I read the Reg."

On The Reg, NO solution is overly complicated or tech heavy!

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WIN a 6TB Western Digital Black hard drive with El Reg

Dr Patrick J R Harkin

Laptops are so passe. I've got a toplap.

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LASER RAZOR blunted by KickStarter ban

Dr Patrick J R Harkin

Re: Load of bollocks

"handle be made to look like a shark."

I hadn't thought of that.

Now I want one. No, now I MUST HAVE ONE! Even if it costs a meeelion dollars!

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Feds want a phone smart enough to burn itself if it falls into the wrong hands

Dr Patrick J R Harkin

The answerhone message on this has got to be...

"Good morning, Mr. Phelps..."

I got the 7-series box set for my birthday last week and it got me thinking. At the start of each episode (OK, most episodes. Pedants.), Jim goes to a new location, trades code phrases and picks up his mission outline.

But how did he know where to go? They must have contacted him beforehand with the location and password - which was presumably passed on at a secret location after he gave the password which they got to him by...

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WIN a 6TB Western Digital Black hard drive with El Reg

Dr Patrick J R Harkin

Water into wine? Walk on water? Raise the dead? How zeroeth century. Watch this. I can do a three finger salute WITH TWO FINGERS!

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Pope Francis' first act in America: Halt iPhone 6S, 6S Plus deliveries

Dr Patrick J R Harkin

Pope delayes iPhone?

Then patently it is not the Jesus Phone. It is the Antiphone. As foretold in the Phone Book, Chapter 555 (The area code of the Beast)

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WIN a 6TB Western Digital Black hard drive with El Reg

Dr Patrick J R Harkin

Shhhs, Sergei, this technique work for Ewoks in documentary we saw.

Soon, Confused Brian robot no more. Cannot stand his stupid voice.

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Apple recalling iPhone 6 Pluses to correct their iSight

Dr Patrick J R Harkin

So the way I discover that my camera takes blurred pictures...

...is to check the serial number? Wouldn't looking at the pictures be enough?

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Capita: Listen up redundo staff, we know you're leaving but...

Dr Patrick J R Harkin
Pirate

Invited to write the SOPs for training my replacement?

Dear gods, that's an opportunity I couldn't resist.

"But, boss, it says in the SOP we encrypt all invoice numbers and amounts with this one-time pad before entering them into the accounts software for security..."

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Testing times as NASA rattles Mississippi with mighty motor burn

Dr Patrick J R Harkin

"See http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/science/science-news/11805987/Inflatable-space-elevator-invented-by-scientists.htm"

I knew they were remaking Thunderbirds with CGI actors and real sets but I didn't realise the sets were going to be full-scale. Let me guess - the tower springs a leak and the blast of expelled air blows the World President's jet off course into the jungle while the tower looks like it'll fall on Lady Penelope who is trapped in her car and Scott has to prioritise personal feelings against civic duty?

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It's incredibly easy to bump someone off online, and here's how to do it – infosec bod

Dr Patrick J R Harkin

To be a funeral director...

"in Colorado anyone can be a funeral director, in Nevada you need to pay $345 and take an exam, and in California you need an arts degree."

I feel faintly insulted that my science degree in genetics doesn't allow me to dispose of bodies in California. Neither does my medical degree, though it does let me generate them.

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Lottery chief resigns as winning combo numbers appear on screen BEFORE being drawn

Dr Patrick J R Harkin

I'm sure it was fumble fingers plus coincidence.

If you had the degree of control over the lottery needed to fake the machine ball pick (which, if it's to look like the real machine, is Mission Impossible level gadgetry) surely it's easier to enter a winning ticket in the database of entries retrospectively?

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Voyager's Golden Record now free to download

Dr Patrick J R Harkin

There are some great sounds on there.

My favourite is "Dear Aliens, have you mistakenly been sold Payment Protection Insurance?"

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NASA briefing in HOURS: 'We are upon the CUSP of finding ANOTHER EARTH'

Dr Patrick J R Harkin

I've seen that film.

It seems attractive at first, but it NEVER ends well.

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Robot surgeons kill 144 patients, hurt 1,391, malfunction 8,061 times

Dr Patrick J R Harkin

Re: Wot?

"Sparks burning the patient? Mad." Not TOO mad - surgical diathermy is (vast oversimplification) a deliberate burn intended either to cauterise or cut. I was once on the receiving end of some (non-surgical) low-frequency diathermy when the machine caught fire...

I smiled at the machines powering down until I remembered that it's not unknown for human surgeons to power down (permanently) during operations.

These figures are really interesting but I don't know with what to compare them.

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Australia to run first robo-car trials in sleepy Adelaide

Dr Patrick J R Harkin

It's not really a fair trial though, is it?

Avoiding obstacles isn't hard if there's nothing to hit.

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Why the BBC is stuffing free Micro:bit computers into schoolkids' satchels

Dr Patrick J R Harkin

Microsoft Word

The early DOS version of Word was... an education. It made me the man I am today - grey-haired, balding and easily startled.

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Dr Patrick J R Harkin
Coat

" I wrote my PhD Thesis on an Archimedes..."

Did you have the external drive enclosures, or did you have very small handwriting?

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LG's six-sided battery to take smart watches into new timezones

Dr Patrick J R Harkin

Watches are round, batteries are square...

Watches are round because of the rotating hand display; there's no mechanical or aesthetic need for something worn on the wrist to be circular. A screen based watch has no real need to be round. So - are hexagonal batteries a solution looking for a problem?

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How swearing at your coworker via WhatsApp could cost you $68,000

Dr Patrick J R Harkin

Re: Work in a third world backward nation...

I thought 1st world = Mercury, 2nd world = Venus and 3rd world = us.

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Testing Windows 10 on Surface 3: Perfect combo or buggy embuggerance?

Dr Patrick J R Harkin

Re: Weather chart

I am adopting the phrase "Amber alert" to mean "Management have just made a decision which will drive us all to drink". I expect it to get a lot of use.

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Les unsporting gits! French spies BUGGED Concorde passengers

Dr Patrick J R Harkin

Not an ideal eavesdropping environment....

I wonder if they got any useful recordings.

"We're aiming for the French vote."

"Sorry? You're claiming a trench coat? Why? I though it would be the oil."

"Tea tree oil? I suppose we could deal with that. In exchange for lumber?"

"You want to change to the Humber? OK, I think we could do that."

And repeat until the drinks trolley comes by again...

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But ... but iOS 9 could BLOCK my Ad-Block, dev squeals

Dr Patrick J R Harkin

"either the best possible landscape for Safari extensions, or the worst"

So either it'll make things better or it'll make them worse.

It's for seasoned analysis that this that I read El Reg...

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Camgirls, crypto currency and beer: The Register tours the Dark Net

Dr Patrick J R Harkin
Coat

Good talk

Sadly, my computer only seems to connect to the dork web...

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KA-BOOM! Russian rocket EXPLODES over Siberia minutes after lift-off

Dr Patrick J R Harkin

That launch setup

It really looks like something out of a Gerry Anderson show! (apart from Fireball XL5, obviously.)

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Apple Watch rationing caused by the MOON GOAT, not quality

Dr Patrick J R Harkin

Lunar holiday affected production?

Just how long was this holiday?

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NASA's Messenger craft SMASHES into Mercury: See ya later, alien crater

Dr Patrick J R Harkin

Dear engineers,

The Mercury Messenger probe lasted years beyond expected life span.

The Mars Opportunity Rover has gone 40 times over it's expected lifespan.

Why does my phone become obsolete every 12 months????

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Geneva boffins make light work of random numbers

Dr Patrick J R Harkin

Hmmm.

Not.

A.

Word.

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NASA 'UFO' pops a leak, lands in outback Australia

Dr Patrick J R Harkin
Joke

"for safety, issued flight termination commands"

I believe the assembler opcode is BalloonAcquireNearestGround.

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Short circuit at Large Hadron Collider slows return to matter-mauling

Dr Patrick J R Harkin

So, the fix plan it:

1. Blow down it and see if it comes out the end

2. Give it a bit of a thump and see if that sorts it out.

You can see why Sheldon is dismissive of engineers...

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Fanbois: We paid $2000 for full satisfaction but now we have SPREADING STAINS

Dr Patrick J R Harkin

I was very careful cleaning my laptop.

I used the delicate spin cycle and a non-bio detergent and everything...

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Cisco posts kit to empty houses to dodge NSA chop shops

Dr Patrick J R Harkin

I've read about routers with backdoors installed but...

I was never sure how to pronounce Huawei -so it's "sis-ko", is it?

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RIP Leonard Nimoy: He lived long and prospered

Dr Patrick J R Harkin

Can I just decloak my real age here...

...by saying I remember him best for the Mission Impossible TV series?

I can't quite accept that he's dead. They tried to fool us once before but he came back. So I'm still hoping...

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NERDGASM as Apple announces 'special event'

Dr Patrick J R Harkin

I think I know what it'll be.

It'll be official Apple money, the iDollar, which you'll be able to exchange for Apple products just like other dollars, only much, much better in a way which no-one can quite define and which will need a different shape of wallet for charging.

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Europol shuts down darn RAMNIT botnet

Dr Patrick J R Harkin

Wow.

Something interesting has happened in Hampshire.

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UN negotiations menaced by THOUSANDS of TOPLESS LADIES with MAYONNAISE

Dr Patrick J R Harkin

Topless protestors - OK, I understand.

But mayonnaise? Any suggest why mayonnaise, rather than ketchup, mustard, remoullade, brown sauce, salad cream, Or is it a translation error and one of the topless women was called May O'Naise?

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KUSHINIKIZA! Google Translate SAVES BABY in Irish roadside birth

Dr Patrick J R Harkin
Coat

So....

Trained ambulance crew needed Google translate support to assist a woman to do something she could have done without any help whatsoever.

Or perhaps a few rounds of Charades should form part of all paramedic training?

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ATTENTION SETI scientists! It's TOO LATE: ALIENS will ATTACK in 2049

Dr Patrick J R Harkin

We'll be perfectly safe...

...as long as the transmission includes an entire series of Celebrity Big Brother. "Xzyygj! Place ZZ9/ZAlpha under quarantine immediately. We cannot risk this terrible plague escaping into the rest of the galaxy!"

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Boffins grasp Big Knob, get ready to go ALL THE WAY at the LHC proton-punisher

Dr Patrick J R Harkin

"Turning off the LHC has enabled up to find Higgs Boson" says scientist.

"It had become lodged behind one of the magnets and we had to move a couple of filing cabinets to get to it. We couldn't do that until we had the keys and Dave from maintenance (who has the keys) accidentally got stuck tin the tunnel when we turned it on last time. He's been living on sandwiches and soda from the vending machines and the radiation hasn't affected him at all, except he can now see through time and teleport."

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Think you’re hard? Check out the frozen Panasonic CF-54 Toughbook

Dr Patrick J R Harkin

Drop height test is 75cm?

If you are going to drop a laptop, surely it's likely to be from higher than that? Doesn't this rating say "Will survive a hazard to which it's never going to be expose"? Perhaps we can have magic-proofing as a new component of tests in future: "The new Acesung X65 continued to function despite being exposed to a full strength Expeliamus spell and Ebola virus applied directly into to the USB3 port.."

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Watch: China has made an internet censorship THEME SONG

Dr Patrick J R Harkin

Re: Yes, fine, but what we all want to know is...

"Does it scan?"

More to the point - will it blend?

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HELP! Windows Phone update 8.1 broke my Lumia

Dr Patrick J R Harkin

Re: Just for the record: My iPhone 6+ still working fine

Ditto my InterQuartz IQ10. It's a great phone though few apps run on it and the cord is a bit sort for my liking but it gets me through the day. No battery problems either.

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Forget robo-butlers – ROBO-MAIDS! New hotel staffed by slave-droids

Dr Patrick J R Harkin

"Open the mini-bar door, please, Hal."

"I'm sorry Dave, I can't do that. You're smart-watch says you've had enough and anyway the NFC reader in the wardrobe says you've no credit left on your card."

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Lost SPACECRAFT believed FOUND ON COMET

Dr Patrick J R Harkin

Re: BORING: "Yes, we are pointing out that “GIF” is pronounced “jif”. Again."

I pronounce it gif. But then I'm gust a jeek.

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