* Posts by Nigel Brown

221 posts • joined 29 Jul 2006

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Mastercard facial recog-ware will unlock your money using SELFIES

Nigel Brown

Checks article date for April 1st date tag....

Nope, not a joke.

Stop the world, I want to get off.

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Costa Coffee Club members wake up and smell the data breach

Nigel Brown

Re: Not that bothered

Ask the 1.4 billion Facebook users, of whom probably 1.3 billion give accurate details.

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Google wants Marvin the Paranoid Android's personality in the cloud

Nigel Brown

Well, if you call it a robot.

It's more like an electronic sulking machine.

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Ford: Our latest car gizmo will CHOKE OFF your FUEL if you're speeding

Nigel Brown

Re: My wife's car has automatic headlights.

Wrong.

Sidelights are in the main useless, being like a glow-worm in a jam jar on a lot of cars. There is no excuse for not using dipped headlights if you want to be seen. Things have moved on, you don't 'save the battery' by using sidelights instead of headlights!

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Hello? Police? Yes, I'm a car and my idiot driver's crashed me

Nigel Brown

How severe does the 'crash' need to be..

...before the system alerts the blues & twos brigades? Pretty sure they'll be less than impressed if they're called out to every minor shunt or bollard bump.

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My self-driving cars may lead to human driver ban, says Tesla's Musk

Nigel Brown

This just in

http://www.delphi.com/delphi-drive

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Nigel Brown

Re: Not a problem solved

Self drive is a solution looking for a problem.

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Nigel Brown

Re: Am I the only one...

What happens when it encounters something that it hasn't been programmed to recognise and avoid? Hopefully it will default to 'get-the-hell-out-of-the-way' mode, but given the number of patches that software requires to 'fix' all the undocumented features , that's not a given.

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Nigel Brown

Am I the only one...

I am deeply, deeply uneasy about this. I know driving standards are pretty poor, but I still don't trust a 'puter to do it instead of a human.

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Facebook unveils P2P moola-to-mates payment feature

Nigel Brown

If any of my friends need money..

..they can bloody well come and ask me to my face!

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Shove off, ugly folk, says site for people who love themselves

Nigel Brown

What was it they used to say?

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder?

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Nokia boss smashes net neutrality activists

Nigel Brown

Not *really* sure

that I want an internet connected car doing the driving for me.

"Before I apply the brakes, please watch this safety video. Video can be skipped in 5 seconds....."

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Porn on Blogger – Google takes stiff action

Nigel Brown

The job is rated at £125 a week

Not a lot but it's all I can afford to pay.

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ATTENTION SETI scientists! It's TOO LATE: ALIENS will ATTACK in 2049

Nigel Brown

Mostly harmless

Apart from those who despise everyone but themselves.

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UN negotiations menaced by THOUSANDS of TOPLESS LADIES with MAYONNAISE

Nigel Brown

Mayonnaise?

What's wrong with the much more palatable crème fraiche?

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CAR? Check. DRIVER? Nope. OK, let's go, says British govt

Nigel Brown

Welcome to Johnnycabs

Douglas Quaid: Where am I?

Johnnycab: You're in a Johnnycab.

Douglas Quaid: I mean, what am I doing here?

Johnnycab: I'm sorry. Would you please rephrase the question?

Douglas Quaid: How did I get in this taxi?

Johnnycab: The door opened. You got in.

[Johnnycab rolls his eyes]

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Post-pub nosh neckfiller: 1.5 MILLION SCOVILLE masala omelette

Nigel Brown

Only half the story

What about the following morning, shall we tactfully call it the 'exit plan'?

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Quantum computing is so powerful it takes two years to understand what happened

Nigel Brown

So what is it? *

I'm afraid you lost me halfway through the opening sentence!

*It's a big swirly orange thing in space!

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Hawking: RISE of the MACHINES could DESTROY HUMANITY

Nigel Brown

AI doesn't worry me..

...it's Natural Stupidity that will be the downfall of the human race.

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Online tat bazaar eBay collapses in UK

Nigel Brown

El Reg hacks need to actually *look* at the modern fleabay

Most sellers now are businesses, the sellers of 'second hand crap' have faded into a minority, driven out by scamming buyers, the lack of ability to leave negative feedback about a bad buyer, and the decision to charge the seller a %age of the postal charges.

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Apple Watch will CONQUER smartwatch world – analysts

Nigel Brown

I have a perfectly functional watch

I also have a smartphone with a large screen. At my age I need bigger screens not ruddy smaller.

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Google extends app refund window to two hours

Nigel Brown

Refund?

I only ever opt for the free apps anyway. If there's a feature I want that's only in the paid for version then I usually seek out another freebie that gives me that feature. Guess I'm just ludicrously tight, or is it too many years of freetarderyness© :)

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eBay, Facebook, Tumblr ALL go TITSUP in me-too MULTI-FAIL

Nigel Brown

Can someone please explain to a non techy bod like me

What exactly is involved in server maintenance? Oil and filters and re-gap the plugs?

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CNN 'tech analyst' on NAKED CELEBS: WHO IS this mystery '4chan' PERSON?

Nigel Brown

What does CNN stand for?

I'm guessing it's Cartoon Network (something)

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6 Obvious Reasons Why Facebook Will Ban This Article (Thank God)

Nigel Brown

Re: Ads as Articles

Best plug-in I've ever installed.

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Video of US journalist 'beheading' pulled from social media

Nigel Brown

Nice 180 degree turn from Facebook

They used to leave these things up, trot out some corporate guff about right to know, public awareness etc. Perhaps now they are starting to listen to their outraged products they'll start to respond about requests to take down the child and animal abuse pages, videos, etc.

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Microsoft: Just what the world needs – a $25 Nokia dumbphone

Nigel Brown

Re: Motorcyclists have a perfect use for this phone.

Bugger, missed that bit. :(

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Nigel Brown

Motorcyclists have a perfect use for this phone.

Squirreled away under the seat, on silent, you have a perfect tracker should your expensive motorcycle be stolen. People have been touting this idea for some time, using an old forgotten phone from the back of the drawer.

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SOULLESS machine-intelligence ROBOT cars to hit Blighty in 2015

Nigel Brown
Joke

I have had an epiphany.

I used to shudder at the thought of these things beetling about unattended, but then I realised that at last, German car manufacturers will be able to ensure that their indicators do actually get used.

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Too rich for an iPhone 6? How about a gold-plated Brikk?

Nigel Brown

An awful lot of money to play Candy Crush.....

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Facebook: Want to stay in touch? Then it's Messenger or NOTHING

Nigel Brown

I junked the app months ago.

Just using the web browser now. If they remove that option then hell, I can always wait until I get home to find out my friends highest score on the latest faddy game, or see a photo of their lunch......

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HP settles suit with popstar Chubby Checker over todger tester app

Nigel Brown

Well I *was*..

...going to question if there really is a market for this app, but then I remembered about all the fart generator apps and decided not to ask.

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Klingon and Maori roar into 'mutt's nuts' dictionary

Nigel Brown
Joke

In Korea it translates as

Hors d'ouvres or dumplings :)

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Surprise! Google chairman blasts EU's privacy ruling

Nigel Brown

Other search engines are available....

...as my local BBC radio station keeps telling us.

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Selfies are so 2013. Get ready for DRONIES – the next hipster-cam-gasm

Nigel Brown

Re: What do I think of it?

I really wish I could upvote this more than once.

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Candy Crush King sees IPO go sour as stock price heads south

Nigel Brown

Re: Send in the clones

That game is on mobile devices already.

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Nigel Brown

Send in the clones

Am I correct in assuming that all their games are a rip off of Bejewelled, just with different graphics?

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The TRUTH about LEAKY, STALKING, SPYING smartphone applications

Nigel Brown

Re: As a windows phone owner

Because windows doesn't have any dodgy applications does it............

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Prince sues 22 music file-sharers for ONE MEEELLION dollars each

Nigel Brown

Pompous prat

That's all.

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Candy Crush dev stuffs EU 'candy' trademark down gob

Nigel Brown

Getting a little big for their boots with only one (admittedly very) successful game behind them aren't they?

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Boffins: Antarctic glacier in irreversible decline, will raise sea levels by 1cm

Nigel Brown

Ice Ice Baby

Is this the same ice that keeps trapping research boats?

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Latest global menace: ELECTROPULSE NORKS, apparently

Nigel Brown

They are developing, hey?

And if your aunt develops balls, she'll become your uncle.

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Google 'fesses up: Yup, we're KILLING OFF IE9 support for Gmail, Apps

Nigel Brown

IE9?

That we should be so lucky, we're still stuck with IE8.

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Big Beardie's watching: Alan Sugar robots spy on Tesco petrol queue

Nigel Brown

Re: Motorcycle Helmets

No, but you could wear a burkha.

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Nigel Brown

Re: Tesco, stock your shelves

Dont forget to put the points on your Clubcard so Tesco know what products to push at you.

See where your plan to knobble the cameras falls down?

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Japanese boffins unveil INVINCIBLE robot rock, paper, scissors 'bot

Nigel Brown

Meanwhile

People dying from a multitude of diseases look on in wonder.............

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Blighty's telcos set to CHOKE off another fistful of piracy gateways

Nigel Brown

Its down to personal choice

but my favourite torrent search engine is Google............

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Baldness fix from foreskin follicles

Nigel Brown

Damn

Beat me to the dickhead pun :)

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Bonking boffins say bacon biters won't breed

Nigel Brown

Well at my age

The last thing I'm concerned about is semen quality, so shove another couple of rashers under the grill for me.

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A14 to become UK's first internet-connected ROAD

Nigel Brown

It will also be handy for

online payment of the compulsory toll on the stretch round Huntingdon. The old section of the A14 is to be demolished, so you'll have no choice.

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