433 posts • joined Friday 7th December 2007 06:37 GMT
Using an El Regism..
it should be called the Redmond Airbag.Mind you V1.0 will probably hang off her ears with a plank of wood holding her chest up, for V2.0 they'll introduce a cushion for the plank and V3.0 will be virtualised and stuck in the cloud so you can access your virtual bra anyplace. Then Apple will create a patent for the iCup with rounded corners and a shiny casing. The first iCup will only have 1 cup, so that's there's a clear upgrade path to the next version. Meanwhile the Linux guys will still be researching what a woman is, and trying to draw up a use case so they can understand the problem whilst Android releases Jubbly Bean....
I must get a life
According to my GF..
....an image of my brain wouldn't have any lines on it at all and justshow an inactive grey walmut....well until she wants plasterboard up, or the car fixed or one of the other thousand odd jobs that's on her clipboard o' doom.
I still find it hilarious that the FCO...
offers IL2 and IL3 cloud services in a very secure data centre (somewhere in darkest Engerland near the M1, just north of Newport Pagnell and left a bit) and no other dept appears willing to buy from them. Joined up warfare. I've just have an image of 2 male bonobo dept heads penis fencing.
I've already seen what happens within govt...there's a site I use and went on for a mo via an internet machine whilst waiting for a report. The site discusses "speeding" issues. It was blocked as a site of "criminal activity." So not only was it blocked but I'm recorded as trying to access a "criminals'" site. In 10 years time, they'll probably end up with a white list of sites you can access (BBC, mumsnet) and you have to submit a request to direct.gov for access to anything else. For your own security and safety obviously.
Re: That ID scheme cracks me up.
Oh I can tell you've been there. I think she's found out what the rest of us have. Dealing with IT change in govt means fighting everyone, all the time and getting nowhere. Everyone else has generations of "how to fuck you over" training to rely on, BFFs that scratch each other's backs, an unlimited supply of elephant traps and a retirement date to allow new blood in to carry the group c***ism on forever...
...and you don't. To anyone thinking of applying for or considering Dave's request to come on this job...do yourself a favour...don't.
Re: Microsoft FAIL
whilst I agree with most of...
Do yourselves a favor: cancel the entire product line, shut down Vista RT and Vista Phone, and use your developers' time to de-ribbonize everything.
However, not all of us want to buy our kit and s/ware from the Gattaca Walled Garden of Purity or the GoogleMart Advertorium. Hopefully at MS any future cock ups will be referred to as "doing a Ballmer" and we can get some proper business functionality out of them.
Shouldn't that be BTFFS
"We’re always working on new and better ways for people to enjoy YouTube content across all screens, and on giving partners more opportunities to reach their fans."
AKA Punters, get yer teets out, you're gonna get milked.
Oi, whilst we're at it, can El Reg get rid of those MS Dynamics ads...they are bloody annoying.
And just after the IE jail bait heroine too...
...is there some mustachioed 1970s perv running in MS's marketing dept? Milky, milky laydees...BBrrr.
Things you wish you didn't know
It is distinguished by relatively long legs, pink lips, dark face and tail-tuft through adulthood, and parted long hair on its head.
she has a clitoris that is "three times bigger than the human equivalent, and visible enough to waggle unmistakably as she walks
Female bonobos rub their clitorises together rapidly for ten to twenty seconds, and this behavior, "which may be repeated in rapid succession, is usually accompanied by grinding, shrieking, and clitoral engorgement
two bonobo males hang from a tree limb face-to-face while penis fencing
Thank you Wikipedia...sort of like Clacton on a Friday night then
...Match looks at profile pictures before it lets them go live on site, because they won't accept all pictures. I understand (from a friend *cough*) that beNaughty does too and won't approve pictures that appear to be too good to be true, no matter how much trout or min is on display. The problem then is with nicked pix off facebook et al, so I presume the majority of people save the pic and do a Google image search to see if it's a knock off or a real person's profile If Match does look at pics (which they do because I've had a few refused) then a quick Google would save them from all this, but as stated it cuts down the scammer take. They're going down (and not in a good way)
iEar, iEye, iLol
This is like being seduced by an accountant. Much as iLoathed SJ, at least he was a showman.
SHOCK! BBC type discovers what real work is
I think the best thing to do now is get Amazon in to manage the BBC...then the licence fee would be about £2.30
From the country that brought you....
involuntary conversion (plane crash)
negative patient outcome (death)
wooden inter-dental stimulators (toothpick)
and I once had an HP "go getter" (who was in full ass covering mode) ask me for the "delta on the server variance." I made her say it twice before I answered "I have no idea what you mean" and waited until she translated her BS into plain English..."which servers are aren't reporting?"
Sky Pr0n HD @ £50 pcm
Re: I think Target knows what it is doing
I'm from the year 2013 and I use a thing called the internet to do all my shopping as it saves all that tedious mucking about having to rub shoulders with the masses (fragant though fanbois probably are) and someone turns up on my door with said purchases...You shoud try it, it's really easy.
Re: Why always so wrong
DAM...This has been driving me nuts for ages. Forget what "shape" the electron has, it's the fact that it has any "shape" at all that's the problem. The optimal solution is for internally dimensionless point particles and you would think that they would surround the "cock up" that is our type of matter so providing some sort of fuzzy coating around the volume that we define as an electron (and so giving it "shape"), but that leads to a massive asymmetry as these point particles wouldn't have an anti side. IMHO obviously
As with F1, you do know there are numerous streams (HD,SD and flash) on the internet where you can watch your favourite sport live and for nada without having to pay the BT or Sky shilling?
she's wearing panties...I've checked the video (twice)
Now I just feel dirty...suppose I'd better "Teresa May" myself in. Can anyone at El Reg check with Redmond to see how old she is before we all get into trouble?
3 barges or 3 arks???
> Google would back up the internet on the two barges, as well as an even creepier third one
Is the B "barge" where they are going to stick all the Facebook and Twitter stuff?
Pretty handy when there's a earthquake though...
I wonder if the NSA has given them a heads up on a San Francisco HAARP test
Don't mess with the only constant in IT
SysAdmins always go bald (and a bit portly) and developers always go grey.. They're like team colours so you know that if you see a grey haired bloke touching a server or a bald bloke writing a "web site" there is going to be trouble. Demarcation mate!
I've heard jack sh*t out of this bunch since they told me I was affected.
Their spin department seems to be more effective at blagging journos than their "do stuff" department is at helping their customers.
Re: Mixed signals regarding privacy
The key word missing here is trust. She trusted him and he trusted her, so they shot a video for their own fun. We've all done it. Then Master Bates here gets the hump and uploads it, so it'll be on the internet way after they are both dead and buried for her next boyfriend, husband, children, grandchildren etc to see. So when you're bleating on about this always remember...would you like to see your granny from 40 years ago taking one on the chin (or whatever they were doing)?
Cannot say more...must wash brain out to get rid of the memory
Never have I heard so much cack...one miniute he's got the crown jewels, stuffed the US of A, taken down blighty single handed, the next he's got nothing, he's a jerk and now we're about to be given the "story" (coming in a week or 2 I presume) that as his behaviour was noticed 4 years ago, so he's been drip fed crap ever since and didn't have anything in the first place apart from some ludicrous NSA internet sniffing programme made up story.
Look, it works like this...everything is compartmentalised, no one outside a compartment knows anything, not even that the compantment exists. This includes sys admins etc. as there are no "god" accounts, or special privilages to tech support...nothing. There are audit trails of all actions and no network back ups of anything remotely "interesting." Take a tape drive, mobile, thumb drive or anything electrical into any of these places and you get the heave even if you did manage to find an unlocked netwrok or USD port. So either the NSA is completely incompetent regarding security or Snowden is Neo off the Matrix, because someone screwed up big time and their initials are N.S.A
I presume someone above will have said similar....
In a nutshell, you're thinking in yesterday. You should be providing data driven web services (written in anything you feel like against any database you fancy) returning jSon (or XML or even bog standard html if you're all in the same domain) and your clients can really be any device (subject to security yada yada etc) calling those services via Ajax or whatever. The old idea of the client server PC is long long dead.
You end up with 2 tiers...the client (whatever it is) and the web service heads.
The web service heads can have multiple tiers or layers underneath, but none of this has anything to do with the client side.
new man in job tries to put the willies up punters.
First rule of sales...if you can't convince the punter that he's gagging for your product, make him terrified of not having it. If you don't give me all your freedoms to protect, the bogeyman/criminal/ALIEN!/paedo/terrorist/dodgy bloke at no94/anyone with a hint of a tan.....
will KILL YOU ALL!!!!
I had to buy a font from Adobe a few months back. At the time I thought their whole online purchasing "system" was a joke from the mid 1990s and hey guess what...it is. I am now in receipt of an Adobe "Dear John" email. The "you're shafted" email only mentions checking your credit card statements, there's nothing about the "complimentary" ass saving checks that the press seems to have been spun.
First and last time I go near that bunch of twats
>>Does anyone make a laptop for work?
They all do...thing is it's just not cool to say so. The end result of needing a laptop for work in these tablet trendy times is what my GF ends up doing...1 laptop (because she's a proper business person who needs to type stuff and do all that other business stuff). 1 iPhone (because they took away her Blackberry because it wasn't cool enough), 1 Samsung Galaxy tablet (because a client's app only works on Android) and 1 Kindle Fire HD (because she reads books at night...I know, I know, I've explained all that) and she still carries enough paper to rebuild half the Amazon in her laptop bag.
I only read the article because I thought it said "a whiff of B&Q about it".....bugger!
That Steve Job's was good though....
...he could have had iphones painted with shit (the iPhone Mocha) and they would have still sold...
Just replace the word "NSA" with "Google"
The only real difference is that one bunch wants to show you ads whilst the other wants to nail your ass
Have they not just intercepted your communications?
I'd inPhorm on them!
I'm surprised no one has thought of...
...iPhones with Burberry plaid covers...Chav On!
Re: 25 Year IT Career and this still happens
~> no they'd set a committee and appoint paper, string, box and pen guardians. Then they'd worry about the health and safety implications of paper cuts and people strangling themselves on string, so they'd set a committee to over see all that. Then they'd set up a paper, string, box and pen integration steering committee that the paper, pen, box and string guardians would report to.. At no point would they grasp that the paper, pen, string and boxes were meant to represent anything. After 15 years the head of the steering committee would get a knighthood.
no shit sherlock
>>that customer satisfaction with Level 3 was at an all-time low.
In my humble experience, I haven't the words to even come close explaining what a complete bunch of aaarrggghh, arrrgh, bite knuckles, froth, froth, chewing paint of walls now, tossers this lot are.
What's not to like about this!
Phone pay plus sound like some dodgy tradesman trying to tell a punter that it's too difficult and it should be left to professionals. You can almost feel their asses puckering at the thought of world+dog doing this. Very, very funny and I wish I'd thought this up.
Re: Still need them here.
>>Still need them here.
>>Cannot mention my organisation, but we certainly still need PC's.
>>In fact just last month i ordered 6,100 PC's from HP, so i must be HP's best friend right now. :-)
Still need them here.
Cannot mention my organisation, but we certainly still need PCs.
In fact just last month i ordered 6,100 PCs from HP, so i must be HP's best friend right now. :-)
Do the new PCs come with a grammar checker?
Re: Surely it's becoming apparent
wot he said above...also, JDX below, if they need to print a coupon (probably a boarding pass) or type a letter (probably their CV) they do that at their place of work. The gen pop only used computers because it was the only way to do the above stuff and now they don't need it. My GF can send naughty pix of herself in her car from a layby at 06:00 without the need for anything more than a Samsung phone and she can describe (type) what she wants me to do to said object in the photo all without farting about with a trackpad
things must be getting tough at Chargealot...
....next thing we'll probably hear is that the shinynauts have the brilliant idea of giving iPhones swappable covers. Oh... and is this JDX bloke some sort of anti-Eadon?
I was just about to don my tinfoil hat when I saw your post
>>2 billion transistors are set aside to power the NSA compressed audio, video and data streams - direct from your house. Nowhere to hide, gamers
Or how to get the public to pay for a massive planetary wide distributed computer for the NSA. No wonder MS wanted it connected to the internet at all times.
Re: "You've had your debate. There's no need to write any more.”
Basically dear chappies, democracy is over, everyone back to feudalism. I think the tipping point has been reached where "they" can just go "we've got you by the scroat" and don't really care about putting a public spin on anything anymore. The problem with a internationally connected world is that the man with the biggest fuck-off internationally connected data centre is king.
I wondered why the ads had changed
and were using that random pensioner instead of BW.. I'm still trying to work out why the girl (best facial expression on telly ever) goes off with him. Weird. Are they saying that if you complain about speed, you get a member of female staff to play with? Brings a whole new meaning to the word "Buffering"
Re: Nail hit on the head
>>IMHO, the only safe secure email provider is one that has absolutely NO and I mean NO connections to any entity in the USA.
Oh you mean Apple! (tax avoidance joke! I'll get me....)
Sounds like my ex girlfriend is on the loose again
She has form for this sort of thing.
having been involved in this sort of malarkey....
....given the actual grunt needed to get this stuff to fly, I would imagine that the percentages (given they will be spun for public consumption) are based on their current ability and not their current desire.
Also there needs to be a shedload of collusion between the NSA and those with the raw data (MS, Google, world+dog inc.) otherwise what you end up with is data noise that'll take forever to filter.
At the end of the day and after all this new "reasonable" cobblers to try and blag their way out of this, you haven't a cat in hell's chance of finding out what the true SP is, so take precautions.
yeah...piss off a Snowden and he effs off to Russia. Piss off HAL and he'll make sure Russia comes to you.
On a lighter note, I'm sure when HAL gets the hump, it'll all be terribly efficient.
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