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* Posts by xyz

475 posts • joined 7 Dec 2007

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Yes, but what are your plans if a DRAGON attacks?

xyz

I think it's best to err on the side of caution...

...and keep asking "dumb" questions. I know of one government dept that did something so unbelievable that you would imagine it was an urban myth. I can't even mention it, but it was a pant wetter. Official bodies are usually only a few committee meetings away from circling the drain of chaos and sometimes they plop in before they realise it.

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Assange™: Hey world, I'M STILL HERE, ignore that Snowden guy

xyz

"Hello, Snowden, Assange here, got other dirt on the Brits?"

"I'm thinking of taking a holiday 'soon' and I need a nice ass shafter bit o' info on Cameron and his mates that'll stop plod lifting me....what's that? No I don't fancy Ebola.,. thanks anyway."

If Julian of Knightsbridge is about to stride out of his diplomatic hostel, he must be in possession of a hefty piece of leverage. Bets please!

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Microsoft cries UNINSTALL in the wake of Blue Screens of Death™

xyz

Re: Ahh.So this explains

Had one too....Mind you I did think it was MS's way of making go get a win 8 jobby.

P.S. Jobby means a shite in Scotland.

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Giving your old Tesco Hudl to Auntie June? READ THIS FIRST

xyz

we had a similar problem with an old Kindle...

...that had been in the bath once too often. The only thing we could do with it was use an angle grinder and a lump hammer. Happy days.

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Gov.uk's broadband boast: Superfast fibre piped to 1 million Brits

xyz

and....

...having poked around my GF's BT router this morning trying to un-hotspot her, I noted that 3rd party targeted advertising (oh my not Phorm again) is enabled by default. Ergo, the faster they can lob this stinking pile o'shite out there the faster they can clog the thing up with 3rd party targeted advertising (for your comfort and security obviously). Being cynical, nice bit of cash in that, plus as it's based around your browsing habits, I presume GCHQ, mumsnet.gov.uk and FACT will be a few of the "advertisers" interested in what you've been peeking at. No wonder BT keeps getting all those lovely contracts.

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BT FON fail: Telco CHARGES customers for FREE Wi-Fi usage

xyz

mmmmm

My countryside dwelling GF was just gnawing my scroat savagely the other week after having received a "you've nearly used up all your bandwidth" email from BT and I was swearing blind that I was using my 3 data connection (13MB) and had never touched her achingly slow wireless BT POS. (3MB) Now I know.

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Brits STUNG for up to £625 when they try to cancel broadband

xyz

Re: BT

Quick question for BT users here in respect of this sign up for free BT sport . I can't quite reconcile the fact that they want you to watch sport but have a 10GB monthly usage cap.. I know when I watch an F1 stream of a race (non BT) it chomps through over a gig, so does this mean that when you try to footy up, BT are lying in wait with excess charges? Just askin'

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Leaked Windows Phone 8.1 Update specs tease details of Nokia's next mobes

xyz

Please please please

Can we get a kill switch for that bloody bing button, an audio control that's not tied to ring volume and a way to stop texts etc showing up on top of the lockscreen....that's all I really want, then they can whizzbang the thingumybob via an LTI GD diaphragm or whatever. Note to MS, no one cares about techno gubbins anymore...they expect all that to be in there but not talked about. What users do care about is that most of Bing's use statistics seem to be generated by people hitting that bloody button by accident, that you want to turn your ring volume down but not your music volume and that you don't want your missus seeing texts from your mistress when the phone is locked.( or at anytime really)

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Adam Afriyie MP: Smart meters are NOT so smart

xyz

WTF.... I thought this was a joke until I got half way down the article....and this is the sort of twat that is running the country? I kept waiting for phrases like and "soon our boffins expect to come up with marvellous new devices called horseless carriages...spiffing." Jesus...unfuckingbelievable. How old are these people?

Then I realised it was a joke...PHEW!!!

Please tell me this is a joke..please

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Verizon to limit unlimited 4G plans

xyz

well...

The NSA isn't going to be happy with that! Think of all that lost intelligence if they start throttling (sic) Bin DownThePub and his mates.

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Feel free to BONK on the TUBE, says Transport for London

xyz

So...

What TfL has done here is taken something the majority of consumers do more than once a day and offered an alternative, easier and a cost effective way to do it,” said Miles Quitmann, MD of mobile payments company Proxama

...prices will come down...naw, didn't think so. Also, I can see people getting into debt over this as a lot of people don't pay off their cards at the end of the month and that "extra" £35 quid per week or whatever gives them itchy fingers on a hot Friday evening.

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Home Office threw £347m in the bin on failed asylum processing IT project

xyz

IT System Procurement...Civil Service Guidelines

1) You don't have to know anything about what your are managing, you only need to know how to manage.

2) Any functional spec for a civil service project must comprise umpteen pages of what management information is required out of the system. The spec for how to get info into the system is must state "does minion stuff."

3) Always build 3 systems at the same time. A) The management one that management wants. B) The guerilla one the staff hack together so they can actually work and C) The pipe dream system that IT wants 'cos it has CV friendly buzzwords and BIG METAL

4) When failure is immenent, take 3A and 3B and integrate into 3C.

5) When 4 fails get Francis Maude in 'cos his guys are "hip and modern."

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PROOF the Apple iPhone 6 rumor mill hype-gasm has reached its logical conclusion

xyz

It lights up so muggers can clearly see you coming...oh and for the "colours" mob, the colour will be the sweet light of God ( or Jobs if he's taken over heaven already)

Sent from my kitchen

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PICS: Nokia Lumia 930 – We reveal its ONE unique selling point

xyz

well apart from that bloody Bing button

I love my 925 and can't think of a "missing" app problem I've had, so if you're worried about getting a 930 then don't. If I want to Android up I tether my tablet to the phone and if I want a laugh I go watch my GF throwing her company given iPhone 5S against a wall.

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ALIEN BODY FOUND ON MARS: Curiosity rover snaps extraterrestrial

xyz

Oi! careful with the headlines

Arken over at ATS will probably have a heart attack (or orgasm or both) when he reads the above

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UK Parliament rubber-stamps EMERGENCY data grab 'n' keep bill

xyz

You've got to ask yourself...

what exactly is the deep pile of cack that they're trying to cover over? Nope I don't know either, but it must be a belter, because someone high up has gone "shit, shit, fuckity shit" and it's all hands to the pumps.

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NASA: ALIENS and NEW EARTHS will be ours inside 20 years

xyz

Not...

..if the neocon fundementalists of the USofA have anything to say about it they won't. Doesn't Nasa know the earth is only 5000 years old and was built by GOD for Texans?

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Do YOU work at Microsoft? Um. Are you SURE about that?

xyz

ATTENSHUN!

All those who think the start button is old fashioned take one step forward.

[sound of machine guns being cocked]

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Phab-u-less: Huge MONSTER iPhone 6 not due until 2015 – claim

xyz

but shirley...

...we'll need the fashion industry to come up with iKecks first so you can slip your iKidYouNot into the pockets...maybe that's what the delay is? Mind you it'll probably end up being be just a normal iphone that comes with a wearable "smart" magnifying glass..... otherwise know as a monocle.

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UK gov rushes through emergency law on data retention

xyz

First person on the dangerous persons' list

willl be that Tom Watson fella then.

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WinPhone iView app flap: Microsoft to pull 'unauthorised' app... coded by STAFFER

xyz

Erm...

If you're on all you can eat data, there's a free TV app in win store that lets you watch live TV from umpteen countries (well there's about a 90 sec delay), so no need for any catch up malarkey. There's an android version of this too. No names but it's a belter esp. for viewing F1 without becoming a Murdochian or like I'm doing, watching Spanish TV in order to help me learn Spanish.

Les fanbois of the Jade(d) Garden are certainly missing out these days being stuck in 2007 and all.

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'BIGGEST BIRD EVER': 21-foot ripsaw-beaked flying HORROR

xyz

Re: Terror Bird

>is "Horror Bird" taken too or still available?

That's reserved for Steph from BBC Breakfast

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UK mobile sales in the toilet: Down by FIVE MILLION this year

xyz

when...

...I can sit and watch F1 (Ok in Russian or German sans the "believe in better" bunch) live, get 4G at 37Mb sec, tether everything I've got, have built in satnav, take good pix, do all that email and text stuff and still be able to call my mum when I have to for no cost apart from earache, all for £28 a month inc the Nokia 925 that houses all this, in the words of the immortal Pot Noodle ads, "why try harder?"

The vast majority of users are Wayne and Waynetta Slob wanting to OMG with their friends and not Easy-Peasy Salami composing a new dirge in the back of a cab, so who really needs new shit every 4th quarter?

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Use Tor or 'extremist' Tails Linux? Congrats, you're on an NSA list

xyz

Forgive my ignorance but...

how is it that if you buy something online, the arm of your government involved, in this case the taxman, determines that your physical location determines the taxes you pay rather than where the servers are, but when you are doing something else online, another arm of your government, in this case the men in black, determines it's where the servers are and not your phyisical location that's the key point. Apart from the fact that governments are lying, greedy bastards can someone please make up their minds which way they want it round please?

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Got Windows 8.1 Update yet? Get ready for YET ANOTHER ONE – rumor

xyz

Considering...

...that all developers wander about intoning "Ye must decouple, ye must decouple" how hard could it be to have Windows 8 "I'm thick, live in 1998 and run my monitor in 640x480 resolution," Windows 8 XP," "Windows 8 (7)" and "Windows 8 Hipster" interfaces? Given the time it's going to take to get Windows 8 "right" it would have been quicker.

And as for the cloud, given the "it's great" BS, I still can't believe that the only thing not connected to it is the black box of MH370, which would be more useful than putting the crash recording mechansim inside the thing that is to crash..

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Microsoft slaps LTE mobe broadband into Surface 2 slabs (Yeah, take that, iPad)

xyz

Hepl! Hepl!

Can someone help me out here...I'm typing this on my 3.5 y.o old Win 7 laptop that cost me £350 that is wirelessly "tethered" to my Nokia 925 WinPho as is my Android tablet. I'm getting 10Megs+ download and 2.5Megs upload, on an all you can eat data mobile broadband plan, with thousands of times more minutes and texts per month than I have friends to use them on....for £28 a month. Office is on my laptop, Office is on my phone, I can develop using VS and cruise StackOverflow on the laptop whilst watching Top Gear on the phone whilst looking at Pr0n on the tablet and if anyone ever phones me I can answer them. And if I wanted, I could do all this in Tesco's car park or on a beach.

So what is the key concept issue here that I'm missing that requires me to anti up the best part of a grand for this?

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Ballmer: 'Microsoft would have a stronger position if I could redo the last TEN YEARS'

xyz

I remember...

...sitting on a train in 2000 with my iPaq taped to my Nokia 8850, connected by infra red, not even with 2G, checking my email, looking at web sites and thinking, this is going to be great. Yup, Ballmer really humped the bunk.

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Official FACT: Gadgets are giving YOU a wrinkly 'Tech Neck'

xyz

The rise of the 2 chins techy

I've been wondering for ages when this was going to get noticed. Once you start seeing people with a neck paunch due to their phone, you just see them everywhere. In a few years everyone's face is going to look like Jabba the Hutt's.

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Who OWNS data generated by 'connected cars' sensor slurpers?

xyz

err...

...why don't they just put a port in the car where you can plug your phone into? That way, the phone's SIM can be the user identifier and the data owned by that user. No phone in the jack then the data defaults to the manufacturer. Can I have those lawyers' squizzillion dollars please?

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Google admits 'garbage in, garbage out' translation problem

xyz

IIRC

>This post-modern problem means that Google's machines may be training themselves on data >generated by Google's machines...

When we tried feeding cows and pigs to cows and pigs we ended up with mad cow disease and foot and mouth, so by about half past eleven tomorrow Google could be exhibiting some very twitchy Skynet type behaviour otherwise known as having gone Ballmer.

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BT fattens up its sales thanks to hearty fibre+footy diet

xyz

I've decided...

...to stop giving BT around £25 pcm for crap , Zen £25 pcm for crap and Vodafone £15 pcm for crap and just go with a £28 pcm tethered contract with Three, which may also turn out to be crap, but at least it'll be cheaper crap and I won't have to ask my neighbours to switch off their Xmas lights or new DVD player to see if that sorts my problems, or waste my time playing BT call out poker every 6 months or so because their green cabinet is stuffed again. It's 2014 not 1994 and time for BT to die.

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Eurocops want to build remote car-stopper, shared sensor network

xyz

Well, Police, Camera, Action is going to be crap after this.

No more Sheriff Wyle E. Coyote doing a "pit" on some MF in his pick up, who's just shot his bitch and has run out of his driving whisky...or the Road Wars mob chasing some scroat blasting a nicked red Mini Metro 'round Slough (other shitholes are available).... Who is going to buy video of cops pressing a switch?

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Obama reveals tiny NSA reforms ... aka reforming your view of the NSA

xyz

In a nutshell

you are all free and if you think you're not...we're watching.

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iPhone fanbois outsmart fandroids in totally reliable test of brain power

xyz

err....

>iPhone owners are also more likely to travel abroad and have a higher opinion of themselves.

Does that mean Thailand and up their own asses?

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How the NSA hacks PCs, phones, routers, hard disks 'at speed of light': Spy tech catalog leaks

xyz

Re: So..

Yup, I'm off as well. I don't like where this is all going so, in a few months I'll be a techless, bearded, hillside dweller in another country with a pack of dogs, a rifle and a bad attitude to strangers. Basically like one of those 'mercan survival nutters... who knew they were right all along!!

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Snowden to warn Brits on Xmas telly: Your children will NEVER have privacy

xyz

Re: Yawn

My ground rule regarding all this is ...How far would Nelson Mandela have got if he kicked off now? Nuff said.

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BT tweaks WORDING of sex-ed web block after complaints

xyz

Re: Govt does not get technology?

Just to clarify the Govt's position:

The internet is a new type of telly (ntot) with lots of channels that you can watch using your phone line. It's all a bit chaotic, so we're working with our major ntot providers to streamline the whole thing so the consumer gets only world class programming. Some of these channels appear to be foreign and may even come from Bulgaria, so we've decided that the ntot providers will each provide a weekly magazine, listing what's on which channel and will weed out those forgeign channels that only clutter the schedules up. This makes things much simpler and will ensure that you, the customer, only get the best ntot programmes for your enjoyment.

Pip pip!

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Feuding fanbois in a flap over piracy haven in new iOS 7 jailbreak tool

xyz

Re: "There post also describes a dispute"

Deer Sirs...

They're not spelling mistakes. Crap english is how you tell it's malware. As a non Apple-teeny, this all just feels like handbags at dawn stuff.

Warm appreciations

etc

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Australia rebukes Apple for 'false or misleading representations'

xyz

Yup, I've been on the receiving end of Apple's warranty policy

Bought 1 Apple product and never again. I now automatically associate Apple with a second hand car lot and just imagine some Arthur Daley type in a T shirt trying to flog me a polished turd.

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Ten top tech toys to interface with a techie’s Christmas stocking

xyz

well, it's better than last years list that...

..only had stuff you could buy if you'd just trousered the contents of the Bank of England.

Smartwatch....really?

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Sky broadband goes TITSUP ALL DAY, thwarts Brits' Xmas web shopping

xyz

Re: BT Slow As Well!

I'm with Zen (running through BT) and my broadband has been all over the shop for weeks now. It's like every request is being read before it's sent on and any protocol that's not http is dying on its ass. I'm in Lewisham. Do you think Dave went to China to thank them for installing the Great Firewall o' Blighty?

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GOV.UK's criminal record check IT job blow: Home Office snubs new design

xyz

Popcorn.... we need lots of popcorn

First rule of manderinism: if we're paying for it, you're not getting the credit for it. Now that La MiLF de Soho has flounced off, expect fireworks. It'll be like a sack of rabid rats going at it hammer and tongs.

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Microsoft researchers build 'smart bra' to stop women's stress eating

xyz

Using an El Regism..

it should be called the Redmond Airbag.Mind you V1.0 will probably hang off her ears with a plank of wood holding her chest up, for V2.0 they'll introduce a cushion for the plank and V3.0 will be virtualised and stuck in the cloud so you can access your virtual bra anyplace. Then Apple will create a patent for the iCup with rounded corners and a shiny casing. The first iCup will only have 1 cup, so that's there's a clear upgrade path to the next version. Meanwhile the Linux guys will still be researching what a woman is, and trying to draw up a use case so they can understand the problem whilst Android releases Jubbly Bean....

I must get a life

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Women crap at parking: Official

xyz

According to my GF..

....an image of my brain wouldn't have any lines on it at all and justshow an inactive grey walmut....well until she wants plasterboard up, or the car fixed or one of the other thousand odd jobs that's on her clipboard o' doom.

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The only way is Office: UK Parliament to migrate to Microsoft cloud

xyz

I still find it hilarious that the FCO...

offers IL2 and IL3 cloud services in a very secure data centre (somewhere in darkest Engerland near the M1, just north of Newport Pagnell and left a bit) and no other dept appears willing to buy from them. Joined up warfare. I've just have an image of 2 male bonobo dept heads penis fencing.

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UK.gov's web filtering mission creep: Now it plans to block 'extremist' websites

xyz

Re: Well

I've already seen what happens within govt...there's a site I use and went on for a mo via an internet machine whilst waiting for a report. The site discusses "speeding" issues. It was blocked as a site of "criminal activity." So not only was it blocked but I'm recorded as trying to access a "criminals'" site. In 10 years time, they'll probably end up with a white list of sites you can access (BBC, mumsnet) and you have to submit a request to direct.gov for access to anything else. For your own security and safety obviously.

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Last 7m non-digital Brits are OUT OF LUCK: I'm OFF, says Baroness Fox

xyz

Re: That ID scheme cracks me up.

Oh I can tell you've been there. I think she's found out what the rest of us have. Dealing with IT change in govt means fighting everyone, all the time and getting nowhere. Everyone else has generations of "how to fuck you over" training to rely on, BFFs that scratch each other's backs, an unlimited supply of elephant traps and a retirement date to allow new blood in to carry the group c***ism on forever...

...and you don't. To anyone thinking of applying for or considering Dave's request to come on this job...do yourself a favour...don't.

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Microsoft Surface slabs borked by heat-induced DIM SCREEN OF DEATH

xyz

Re: Microsoft FAIL

whilst I agree with most of...

Do yourselves a favor: cancel the entire product line, shut down Vista RT and Vista Phone, and use your developers' time to de-ribbonize everything.

However, not all of us want to buy our kit and s/ware from the Gattaca Walled Garden of Purity or the GoogleMart Advertorium. Hopefully at MS any future cock ups will be referred to as "doing a Ballmer" and we can get some proper business functionality out of them.

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BT performs INSOURCERY on outsourced staffers to secure cash savings

xyz

BTFS

Shouldn't that be BTFFS

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Looks like Google may ask you to PAY for YouTube music - report

xyz

Google translate....

"We’re always working on new and better ways for people to enjoy YouTube content across all screens, and on giving partners more opportunities to reach their fans."

AKA Punters, get yer teets out, you're gonna get milked.

Oi, whilst we're at it, can El Reg get rid of those MS Dynamics ads...they are bloody annoying.

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