* Posts by Tim Jenkins

278 posts • joined 30 Oct 2007

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Friends, Canadians, countrymen: Would you buy a GOLD PLATED BlackBerry Passport?

Tim Jenkins

Re: Nice try...

Mr Ratner undersold his products. I've been wearing one of his infamous 99p 'gold' earrings ("...cheaper than an M&S prawn sandwich but probably wouldn't last as long...") through the side of my nose since the late 1980s, and it's yet to turn green and/or fall off. Neither, last time I checked, has my nose.

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YouTube flushes Flash for future flicks

Tim Jenkins

Re: What's new?

And many of those sites helpfully offer you new versions of Flash to download and install before you can watch, just to be sure it works. Or so I'm told. By a friend. Obviously.

(Mind you, it's getting quite hard to see anything past all of these extra browser toolbars and full-screen pop-ups, so I could be mistaken)

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Google Translate MEAT GRINDER turns gay into 'faggot', 'poof', 'queen'

Tim Jenkins

Does it turn

'coloured' into 'cringing apology'?

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Is it humanly possible to watch Gigli and Battlefield Earth back-to-back?

Tim Jenkins

Re: I always

I always felt 'Sex Lives of the Potato Men' was deliberately misunderstood by the critics, largely due to Johnny Vegas taking the lead role. The same film starring Timothy Spall and with a Mike Leigh directors credit would have been hailed as a Palme d'Or candidate for being a "brave and gritty representation of underclass Britain", or some such tosh...

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Tim Jenkins

Re: Dumb lists

Brando and that butter. The horror, the horror....

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Tim Jenkins

Re: Hmmmm...

"...landing under the White Cliffs of Dover*..."

*actually filmed at the Seven Sisters cliffs in Sussex, which Wikipedia notes a being "a stand-in for the more famous White Cliffs of Dover, since they are relatively free of anachronistic modern development and are also allowed to erode naturally". The film makers probably wanted to imply that they were part of the well-known Nottinghamshire coastline...

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Tim Jenkins

Re: Hmmmm...

Ah, yes, Prince of Thieves. Where the opening montage has them landing under the White Cliffs of Dover, announcing that they will be in Nottingham by nightfall (170 miles), and then travelling there via a slight detour of 120 miles further north to Hadrian's Wall. Outstanding!

(but totally redeemed by Alan Rickman, of course. There must be a 'Costner-free' edit around somewhere...)

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UK Scouts database 'flaws' raise concerns

Tim Jenkins

Re: Define Accessible...

"...some people have logins who shouldn't have...."

and some people are scout leaders who shouldn't be.

(although my own unfortunate experiences were as a cadet with the St John Ambulance back in the 80s, which seemed to attract an even weirder bunch of 'leaders' than the Scouts did. Something to do with the black paramilitary uniform with silver Maltese Crosses, and the regular bandaging and CPR practice, perhaps. Yuch.)

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DANGER: Is that 'hot babe' on Skype a sextortionist?

Tim Jenkins

"...police, who are working a theory that a gang might be involved..."

Just not the kind of "gang" the 'victims' were hoping for, presumably...

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Professor's BEAGLE lost for 10 years FOUND ON MARS

Tim Jenkins

Made me think of the opening sequence of "The Martian Chronicles" (1980), where the camera pulls back to reveal the city just out of sight of Viking 1. Still haunts me, that image...

(about 2m 15s into https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AWen9WZhztU , and try not to be watching it 4 1/2 hours later)

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Tesla S P85+: Smiling all the way to the next charging point

Tim Jenkins

giant Scalextric tracks

"...stick a couple of metal brushes on the bottom of the car..."

Bit of a pain having to stop every few miles to clear off the cat fur and stray pubes, though...

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The weirdly-synched life of the Google Nest household

Tim Jenkins

"Fuckign Technology is amazing"

and can be replicated by most keen amateurs in 6-9 months by applying more Fuckign (assuming compatible and opposite gametes)

Sadly, then takes 15-25 years to mature into useful next-generation technology, if you're lucky....

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You're late, Falcon 9: Look what you've done to NASA’s DSCOVR launch!

Tim Jenkins

Re: between 15 and 60 minutes warning ... to do what, exactly?

Well, yes, but what I'm intrigued by is HOW? It seems like rather short notice to shield all those transformers, particularly after having to fill out the 'working at heights' Risk Assessment form for each pole...

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Tim Jenkins

"...this will provide between 15 and 60 minutes warning before the particles reach us..."

Which is time to do what, exactly; don pointy tinfoil hats?

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US Navy's LASER CANNON WARSHIP: USS Ponce sent to Gulf

Tim Jenkins

Re: It was named after the explorer Juan Ponce de León

Presumably Leon was his 'friend' ; )

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Cloud Printing from a Chromebook: We try it out on 8 inkjet all-in-ones

Tim Jenkins

Re: How did this become a thing?

...a great replacement for a simple ethernet/usb cable...

No way; I paid PC World £19.99 each for my 'network cable with gold-plated connections' and my 'high speed printer lead', and I'm damn well going to get my money's worth...

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Assange's WikiLeaks: Give generously this Xmas – for STATUE of our DEAR LEADER

Tim Jenkins

My Lord, I have a cunning plan

Commission statue of JA, bring statue to embassy for photo opp, leave statue in embassy, remove bronze-painted JA under noses of SC&O19, ship to Ecuador in big packing case...

Might not work so well at USDB Leavenworth, but we could give it a go.

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The Great Unwatched: BBC hails glorious digital future for Three

Tim Jenkins

Re: Tristram.

I will happily listen to (and pay for) any number of "documentaries about moss" on Radio 4, preferably presented by Michael Portillo, Lord Bragg or Baron Winston. I'll even listen to Melanie Phillips complaining that it was anti-semitic...

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Tim Jenkins

Obital eccentricity centered on Inverness-shire, traced to underground source

"...publishing an animated interview with the mother of a victim of a domestic abuse straight after 'Murdered By My Boyfriend'..."

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_Reith,_1st_Baron_Reith

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Oi, UK.gov. WHERE'S THE DETAIL on your Google Tax?

Tim Jenkins

"...having the potential to unlock "radical" change...."

Presumably the 'radical change' being which model of luxury SUV your average 'tax barrister' will be able to drive to their place in the Cotswolds once the court cases start arriving...

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#Gamergate folk load flamethrower, roast own feet over GTA V 'ban'

Tim Jenkins

Re: Sigh.

So what was it that made us do that, then? I'm guessing subliminal messages in Blue Peter...

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UK slaps 25 per cent 'Google Tax' on tech multinationals

Tim Jenkins

Re: So its not VAT

Hmmmmmm; do I upvote for a cunning pun, or downvote for implied misogyny ?

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Brit smut slingers shafted by UK censors' stiff new stance

Tim Jenkins

"Mummy, what's fisting ?"

"It's what Daddy does on Saturdays, down by the lake, with the other men in big rubber boots"

Oh, no, wait....

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FBI warns of disk NUKE malware after Sony Pictures megahack

Tim Jenkins

...making a fresh leap forward on all fronts...

Meanwhile, Rodong Sinmun has a splendid picture of E̶r̶i̶c̶ ̶C̶a̶r̶t̶m̶a̶n̶ Kim Jong Un (possibly raising his own 'fierce wind') on its front page today (http://www.rodong.rep.kp/en/), but sadly returns zero results on searching for 'Sony'...

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EVIL US web giants shield TERRORISTS? Evil SPIES in net freedom CRUSH PLOT?

Tim Jenkins

Terrorist / Freedom Fighter?

I'm sure Uncle Vlad would be delighted to find out who chatters on FB from a Russian I.P. about his little incursion into Ukraine, just so his chaps can pay them a visit and make sure they are not planning anything naughty, like disagreeing with it in any way. Likewise the Chinese and those misguided HK democracy activists, Free Tibet campaigners or followers of religious 'cults'. Then there's the current Thai regime and the rabble-rousers making dangerous gestures from a bad sci-fi movie, various Gulf States regarding the promotion of womens rights and religious tolerance, the caring and sharing rulers of assorted 'stans and anyone they're not actually related to, geriatric kleptocracies across Africa and local LGBT campaigners....

All those potential 'terrorists'; it's going to get busy out there....

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Blade Runner sequel might actually be good. Harrison Ford is in it

Tim Jenkins

"....Ms.Young's current appearance...."

Not half bad, IMHO

http://www.zimbio.com/photos/Sean+Young/Jug+Face+Portraits+2013+Sundance+Film+Festival/D_UDelfcbrX

(and how could I have forgotten that she was in 'Dune' too? Oh, yeah, right...)

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Assange™ slumps back on Ecuador's sofa after detention appeal binned

Tim Jenkins

"...the really dangerous people on the streets..."

such as the poor sods in SC&O19 who have spent the past couple of years polishing their G36s and staring at that monstrosity of a building:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Embassy_of_Ecuador,_London#mediaviewer/File:Ecuadors_London_embassy_-_September_26,_2012.jpg

I mean, those twirly bits on the balconies are going to start looking like eyes after a while...

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Useless 'computer engineer' Barbie FIRED in three-way fsck row

Tim Jenkins

Re: MEN!

A quick visit to her brothers Action Man / GI Joe collection and voila, Peshmerga Barbie

http://www.theguardian.com/world/gallery/2014/oct/09/kurdish-peshmerga-fighters-women-on-the-frontline-in-pictures

(Showed my daugher those pictures and she cheered; I must be doing something right...)

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You'll go APE for our new Gorilla Glass 4, Corning reckons

Tim Jenkins

A random sampling* at our school gate would suggest that a combination of Iceland-mum curves, over-optimism about jean sizes, and Samsung devices stored in back pockets is a significant factor too...

(*carried out purely in the name of science, of course)

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Britain's HUMAN DNA-strewing Moon mission rakes in £200k

Tim Jenkins

stiff "lunar littering" fine

Not to mention the possible repercussions if Small Clanger were to get his little pink knitted paws on all that human cloning material…

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Mozilla SELLS FIREFOX MOBILES ... in Greece

Tim Jenkins

Fixed that for you

Mozilla ATTEMPTS TO SELL FIREFOX MOBILES ... in Greece

First sale yet to be confirmed.

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UK PM Cameron says Internet must not 'be an ungoverned space'

Tim Jenkins

"We take orders from the Queen of Australia"

So what are Dame Edna's views on the Qur'anic justification for jihad and the establishment of the Worldwide Caliphate?

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Moshi Monsters' daddy Mind Candy: Falling sales, £2.2m loss...

Tim Jenkins

"...nothing for the early users who grew up..."

Yup - both of ours had subscriptions for a while, but now one is surgically attached to her smartphone and the other is on Minecraft (or rather watching other people play Minecraft on YouTube, which is apparently just the same, duh, Dad). Not a word of protest when I cancelled the recurring payments, which, to be fair, Mind Candy does make very easy. Now, if only I could get back those AOL ones...

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Hey, Apple! We can land a probe on a comet, but we can't have a 12.9in iPad 'until mid-2015'?

Tim Jenkins

"...a picture of a rainbow apple logo close up..."

There hasn't been a rainbow on the Apple since the return of Steve J and the start of the iMac era, more than 15 years ago. Do try to keep up ; )

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Is your kid ADDICTED to web porn? Twitter? Hint: Don't blame the internet

Tim Jenkins

"I also don't see any involvement of the internet"

Mobile communication, particularly via cellphone, but extending into other devices, IS heavily implicated in Rotherham and other recent cases, though. The ability of the groomers to reach into the childrens lives at any time of day or night using the handset they have given them has become a significant controlling influence which wouldn't have been possible in previous generations, limited as they were to a single (and probably monitored) landline in a care home or other institution.

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All but full-fat MS Office to be had on iPads, Droidenslabben for NOWT

Tim Jenkins

"they're not old enough to grow beards"

Quite a high proportion of them aren't entirely equipped to grow beards at any stage; something to do with x's and y's, from what I dimly remember about O-level Biology (always got that bit confused with Algebra, which could explain my dire Maths A-level result). Does that mean they don't ever get to use Linux, even if it came in pink?

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Boxing clever? Amazon Fire TV is SO CLOSE to being excellent

Tim Jenkins

Re: WiFi?

I suspect it's not just the thick walls that attenuate wifi; after encountering several otherwise inexplicable not-spots inside modern or recently converted buildings, I'm wondering if the increasing presence of metallised film on higher u-value plasterboard, and/or those foil coated bubble-wrap insulation blankets that get nailgunned into thinner internal stud-wall voids are having an effect too.

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Million Mask March: Anonymous' London Guy Fawkes protest a damp squib

Tim Jenkins

" Socialist Worker placards, Palestine flags and weed-smoking trustafarians"

You left out the inevitable group of short-haired chaps in black hoodies and shiny boots who, shortly before starting the ritual kicking-in of the window of the Mc Ds opposite Horse Guards, are usually to be found clustered around an older guy with the unusual nickname of 'Sergeant '...

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Tim Jenkins

"bored youth knocking over bins and squaring up to the Old Bill"

And receiving a very restrained (and possibly quite sensible) response, judging from those pics and the Buzzfeed movies and comparing with similar events in my own misspent youth. No armoured robocops visible (just a few helmeted serials in hi-vis), no drawn batons, no blinders (sorry 'torches'), no face-flattening round shields, no kettling for an hour or five. Maybe the Met is over-budget for clubbing hysterical Italian LSE 'anarchists' by this point in the year....

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Antares apocalypse: Orbital points finger at turbopump FAIL

Tim Jenkins

Re: "the Antares rocket was detonated by the range safety officer"

Might have done. I did miss some of it while in the queue for the hotdogs ; )

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Tim Jenkins

"the Antares rocket was detonated by the range safety officer"

And to think our local fireworks display was boasting about the £2,500 they spent last night.

Mind you, their wizz-bangs lasted longer. And with more colours. And they had those cool ones that whistle as they spiral, which was more than that Antares did...

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BBC clamps down on ILLICIT iPlayer watchers

Tim Jenkins

Re: Smart TVs too

My supposedly 'smart' Toshiba (about a year old, though admittedly end-of-line at the time) which was sold with BBC/iPlayer logos plastered all over its box, stickers and paperwork, now seems unable to digest the new iPlayer format using its inbuilt app, and just hangs on its loading page. No sign of a firmware update on the manufacturers support website, and given their past record, I don't particularly hold much hope for one. Doesn't exactly inspire confidence in iPlayer-on-a-device. Interestingly, both Netflix and Youtube HAVE managed to maintain compatibility with this model despite significant revisions to their own offerings.

Happily, it's only just occurred to me that the Sky+ HD box has an iPlayer client, which I've never got around to firing up...

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Samsung launches 'perfect pair' of skinny mid-range phones

Tim Jenkins

Re: Serious omission there

I think that might be considered 'hands free mode', assuming your Honourable Member is in a sufficient state of arousal.

Don't even want to think what a 'Palm Selfie' is...

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Apple CEO Tim Cook: My well-known gayness is 'a gift from GOD'

Tim Jenkins

Re: I felt a great disturbance in the Force

Srsly? With their gold 5S units snugly encased in tight black leather? Camper than a field full of tents at a Scout jamboree...

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BAE points electromagnetic projectile at US Army

Tim Jenkins

"What's not to like?"

Germany winning on penalties. That's what...

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How to hit the top of Google's rankings: 'Use a new dot-thing gTLD'

Tim Jenkins

Re: $$$

Just speed up the inevitable and feed the root servers a dictionary or ten*, then allow every word in any language as a TLD. What could possibly go(dot)wrong?

I love that (dot)wang is now available as a gTLD (fnarr, fnarr), and the rest of the list (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_Internet_top-level_domains#ICANN-era_generic_top-level_domains) has some other 'interesting' ones, apparently:

"The .ROCKS new generic top-level domain... is designed to channel the enthusiasm of millennial-generation youth. Individuals, bands, and youth-oriented businesses will all want to jump on board. .ROCKS is so widely applicable that it can truly be all things to all people. Geologists, of course, will be likely to register domains like igneous.ROCKS." (sic) (http://www.uniteddomains.com)

*I know it doesn't really work like that. Probably.

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Microsoft promises Windows 10 will mean two-factor auth for all

Tim Jenkins

Re: I worry when I see...

On the plus side, baked-in encryption would annoy the cr*p out of governments, polices forces and security agencies worldwide

(oh, wait, it won't, because it will be backdoored sooner than you can say RIPA ; )

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Disaster roster: OMG, are YOU SAFE? I dunno. Check Facebook

Tim Jenkins

Re: Here's a Thought

Presumably when you've finished twitching under a few tons of rubble (or the zombie horde has started to feed), your pulse-metering smartwatch will obligingly communicate with your FaceBurk App, updating your status to 'Deceased'...

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Moto 360: Neat gizmo – if you're a rich nerd

Tim Jenkins

Re: Just needs

Ah; attach a bit of sponge and use it to polish the car, you mean?

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