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* Posts by Tim Jenkins

252 posts • joined 30 Oct 2007

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Assange™ slumps back on Ecuador's sofa after detention appeal binned

Tim Jenkins

"...the really dangerous people on the streets..."

such as the poor sods in SC&O19 who have spent the past couple of years polishing their G36s and staring at that monstrosity of a building:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Embassy_of_Ecuador,_London#mediaviewer/File:Ecuadors_London_embassy_-_September_26,_2012.jpg

I mean, those twirly bits on the balconies are going to start looking like eyes after a while...

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Useless 'computer engineer' Barbie FIRED in three-way fsck row

Tim Jenkins

Re: MEN!

A quick visit to her brothers Action Man / GI Joe collection and voila, Peshmerga Barbie

http://www.theguardian.com/world/gallery/2014/oct/09/kurdish-peshmerga-fighters-women-on-the-frontline-in-pictures

(Showed my daugher those pictures and she cheered; I must be doing something right...)

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You'll go APE for our new Gorilla Glass 4, Corning reckons

Tim Jenkins

A random sampling* at our school gate would suggest that a combination of Iceland-mum curves, over-optimism about jean sizes, and Samsung devices stored in back pockets is a significant factor too...

(*carried out purely in the name of science, of course)

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Britain's HUMAN DNA-strewing Moon mission rakes in £200k

Tim Jenkins

stiff "lunar littering" fine

Not to mention the possible repercussions if Small Clanger were to get his little pink knitted paws on all that human cloning material…

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Mozilla SELLS FIREFOX MOBILES ... in Greece

Tim Jenkins

Fixed that for you

Mozilla ATTEMPTS TO SELL FIREFOX MOBILES ... in Greece

First sale yet to be confirmed.

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UK PM Cameron says Internet must not 'be an ungoverned space'

Tim Jenkins

"We take orders from the Queen of Australia"

So what are Dame Edna's views on the Qur'anic justification for jihad and the establishment of the Worldwide Caliphate?

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Moshi Monsters' daddy Mind Candy: Falling sales, £2.2m loss...

Tim Jenkins

"...nothing for the early users who grew up..."

Yup - both of ours had subscriptions for a while, but now one is surgically attached to her smartphone and the other is on Minecraft (or rather watching other people play Minecraft on YouTube, which is apparently just the same, duh, Dad). Not a word of protest when I cancelled the recurring payments, which, to be fair, Mind Candy does make very easy. Now, if only I could get back those AOL ones...

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Hey, Apple! We can land a probe on a comet, but we can't have a 12.9in iPad 'until mid-2015'?

Tim Jenkins

"...a picture of a rainbow apple logo close up..."

There hasn't been a rainbow on the Apple since the return of Steve J and the start of the iMac era, more than 15 years ago. Do try to keep up ; )

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Is your kid ADDICTED to web porn? Twitter? Hint: Don't blame the internet

Tim Jenkins

"I also don't see any involvement of the internet"

Mobile communication, particularly via cellphone, but extending into other devices, IS heavily implicated in Rotherham and other recent cases, though. The ability of the groomers to reach into the childrens lives at any time of day or night using the handset they have given them has become a significant controlling influence which wouldn't have been possible in previous generations, limited as they were to a single (and probably monitored) landline in a care home or other institution.

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All but full-fat MS Office to be had on iPads, Droidenslabben for NOWT

Tim Jenkins

"they're not old enough to grow beards"

Quite a high proportion of them aren't entirely equipped to grow beards at any stage; something to do with x's and y's, from what I dimly remember about O-level Biology (always got that bit confused with Algebra, which could explain my dire Maths A-level result). Does that mean they don't ever get to use Linux, even if it came in pink?

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Boxing clever? Amazon Fire TV is SO CLOSE to being excellent

Tim Jenkins

Re: WiFi?

I suspect it's not just the thick walls that attenuate wifi; after encountering several otherwise inexplicable not-spots inside modern or recently converted buildings, I'm wondering if the increasing presence of metallised film on higher u-value plasterboard, and/or those foil coated bubble-wrap insulation blankets that get nailgunned into thinner internal stud-wall voids are having an effect too.

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Million Mask March: Anonymous' London Guy Fawkes protest a damp squib

Tim Jenkins

" Socialist Worker placards, Palestine flags and weed-smoking trustafarians"

You left out the inevitable group of short-haired chaps in black hoodies and shiny boots who, shortly before starting the ritual kicking-in of the window of the Mc Ds opposite Horse Guards, are usually to be found clustered around an older guy with the unusual nickname of 'Sergeant '...

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Tim Jenkins

"bored youth knocking over bins and squaring up to the Old Bill"

And receiving a very restrained (and possibly quite sensible) response, judging from those pics and the Buzzfeed movies and comparing with similar events in my own misspent youth. No armoured robocops visible (just a few helmeted serials in hi-vis), no drawn batons, no blinders (sorry 'torches'), no face-flattening round shields, no kettling for an hour or five. Maybe the Met is over-budget for clubbing hysterical Italian LSE 'anarchists' by this point in the year....

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Antares apocalypse: Orbital points finger at turbopump FAIL

Tim Jenkins

Re: "the Antares rocket was detonated by the range safety officer"

Might have done. I did miss some of it while in the queue for the hotdogs ; )

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Tim Jenkins

"the Antares rocket was detonated by the range safety officer"

And to think our local fireworks display was boasting about the £2,500 they spent last night.

Mind you, their wizz-bangs lasted longer. And with more colours. And they had those cool ones that whistle as they spiral, which was more than that Antares did...

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BBC clamps down on ILLICIT iPlayer watchers

Tim Jenkins

Re: Smart TVs too

My supposedly 'smart' Toshiba (about a year old, though admittedly end-of-line at the time) which was sold with BBC/iPlayer logos plastered all over its box, stickers and paperwork, now seems unable to digest the new iPlayer format using its inbuilt app, and just hangs on its loading page. No sign of a firmware update on the manufacturers support website, and given their past record, I don't particularly hold much hope for one. Doesn't exactly inspire confidence in iPlayer-on-a-device. Interestingly, both Netflix and Youtube HAVE managed to maintain compatibility with this model despite significant revisions to their own offerings.

Happily, it's only just occurred to me that the Sky+ HD box has an iPlayer client, which I've never got around to firing up...

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Samsung launches 'perfect pair' of skinny mid-range phones

Tim Jenkins

Re: Serious omission there

I think that might be considered 'hands free mode', assuming your Honourable Member is in a sufficient state of arousal.

Don't even want to think what a 'Palm Selfie' is...

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Apple CEO Tim Cook: My well-known gayness is 'a gift from GOD'

Tim Jenkins

Re: I felt a great disturbance in the Force

Srsly? With their gold 5S units snugly encased in tight black leather? Camper than a field full of tents at a Scout jamboree...

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BAE points electromagnetic projectile at US Army

Tim Jenkins

"What's not to like?"

Germany winning on penalties. That's what...

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How to hit the top of Google's rankings: 'Use a new dot-thing gTLD'

Tim Jenkins

Re: $$$

Just speed up the inevitable and feed the root servers a dictionary or ten*, then allow every word in any language as a TLD. What could possibly go(dot)wrong?

I love that (dot)wang is now available as a gTLD (fnarr, fnarr), and the rest of the list (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_Internet_top-level_domains#ICANN-era_generic_top-level_domains) has some other 'interesting' ones, apparently:

"The .ROCKS new generic top-level domain... is designed to channel the enthusiasm of millennial-generation youth. Individuals, bands, and youth-oriented businesses will all want to jump on board. .ROCKS is so widely applicable that it can truly be all things to all people. Geologists, of course, will be likely to register domains like igneous.ROCKS." (sic) (http://www.uniteddomains.com)

*I know it doesn't really work like that. Probably.

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Microsoft promises Windows 10 will mean two-factor auth for all

Tim Jenkins

Re: I worry when I see...

On the plus side, baked-in encryption would annoy the cr*p out of governments, polices forces and security agencies worldwide

(oh, wait, it won't, because it will be backdoored sooner than you can say RIPA ; )

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Disaster roster: OMG, are YOU SAFE? I dunno. Check Facebook

Tim Jenkins

Re: Here's a Thought

Presumably when you've finished twitching under a few tons of rubble (or the zombie horde has started to feed), your pulse-metering smartwatch will obligingly communicate with your FaceBurk App, updating your status to 'Deceased'...

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Moto 360: Neat gizmo – if you're a rich nerd

Tim Jenkins

Re: Just needs

Ah; attach a bit of sponge and use it to polish the car, you mean?

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Isis Wallet, NOT an Islamist militant group, reborn as Softcard

Tim Jenkins

Re: "In a bid to distance itself from a violent Islamist militant group..."

I refer you to the following:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/americas/61579.stm

"...a retired naval pilot from Nipomo in California is being accused of the greatest feat of global manipulation ever. And all because his name is Al Nino... "

(love the 1998-vintage web page too ; )

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A-level results: Before you smile at that jump-for-joy snap...

Tim Jenkins

Re: Maybe...

Just an ability to communicate would be nice, preferably in full, coherent sentences without a rising inflection. Also, how about learning the difference in style, grammar and format between a business-related email and a text to a mate?

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Scotland's BIG question: Will independence cost me my broadband?

Tim Jenkins

Re: You must be joking

And the Sons bring the bonus of having a commander who can go from blonde and gorgeous to dark and bristly without anyone noticing.. . </nerd>

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Tim Jenkins

Re: Realism

Ah; the Salmond effect: as long as Alex repeats the magic mantra "everyone in the newly formed country will be able to get broadband" enough times, it will become true, along with keeping the Pound and the Queen (although I'm happy to concede on that last one, as long as they promise not to let any Windsors stray south of Balmoral ever again).

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You didn't get the MeMO? Asus Pad 7 Android tab is ... not bad

Tim Jenkins

Re: Intel Android

Netflix works fine on my Atom-chipped San Diego phone running ICS, but the iPlayer client still doesn't (some issue between 'droid on Atom and the underlying BBC media database thingy, apparently). Even Chrome was broken for ages on Android-Atom, then fixed, and now works OK except that the latest update from the Play store won't install (again). Some popular games also aren't compatible with this hardware/OS combination (Minion Rush, for example), and neither was Firefox last time I tried it. Hopefully as more Atom devices appear with Android on board, developers will start testing on them too.

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Dungeons & Dragons relaunches with 'freemium' version 5.0

Tim Jenkins

Re: starter pack

Just moving house and found mine, unopened, in the Basic box set, 'cos I splashed out on a set of 'jewel' dice when I bought it in about '82. The crayon's gone a bit flaky, though...

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Brit celebs' homes VANISH from Google's Street View

Tim Jenkins

Re: But, but, but...

Ooooh; I see what you mean. So the headline should really be 'Google Streetview Reveals Top-Secret Ferrari Cloaking Technology'. Cool.

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Tim Jenkins

Re: Remember.....

Wouldn't fancy standing opposite the blurry one in Connaught Square with a camera for too long; probably asking for an invitation to discuss the finer points of the rights of the citizen in a democracy, while undergoing a cavity search...

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Royal Navy parks 470 double-decker buses on Queen Elizabeth

Tim Jenkins

Re: Bust-up

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/New_Routemaster puts the cost of a new RouteMaster (aka 'Boris Bus') as £354,000, so those 470 units would come in at about £170 million (assuming no discount for bulk).

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-26124894 gives the cost of an F35 at around £60m per plane (£150m+ if you allocate infrastructure, training, support etc.)

So, somewhere between 1 and 3 strike jets, or 470 buses. Now there's a strategic decision worth pondering, particularly if we could have ex-Gurkhas as conductors and Boris himself driving the lead vehicle through the gates of Kabul...

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El Reg is looking for a new London sub-editor

Tim Jenkins

Re: Sir

'Moonbat' lives in mid-Wales (I see him at our school gate every so often), so if he's getting paid at a London rate, he's doing OK ; )

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Facebook goes TITSUP across WORLD! Who will look at your cousin's baby NOW?

Tim Jenkins

Got to be fixed by 15:15

or the mums at our school gate won't know what to think...

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Women are too expensive to draw and code – Ubisoft

Tim Jenkins

Re: So which is it?

And £9.99 for the version with clothing that amounts to more than a bikini...

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TweetDeck XSS flap: Miscreants flash their naughty bits at users

Tim Jenkins

Re: This was bound to crop up eventually

In that case, 'doom' needs an SI unit. Can I suggest that from now on all degrees of doomedness be expressed in fractions or multiples of the size of wails?

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Texan parks quadcopter atop Dallas Cowboys stadium

Tim Jenkins

In our next bulletin: Dallas PD call a news conference to point out that this copter 'could*' have been carrying a dirty bomb / mujahedin / anthrax-infected-gerbil and start lobbying for their APCs to be equipped with SAMs (or at least quad .50s in a pintle mount).

* i.e. couldn't, but never mind. Well, perhaps the gerbil...

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US bloke raises $250k to build robo-masturbation device

Tim Jenkins

Re: Small, Medium, or Large?

Finally; a genuine use for all that Yahoo IM traffic which the NSA recorded...

("In one six-month period in 2008 alone, the agency collected webcam imagery – including substantial quantities of sexually explicit communications – from more than 1.8 million Yahoo user accounts globally" http://www.theguardian.com/world/2014/feb/27/gchq-nsa-webcam-images-internet-yahoo)

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JJ Abrams and Star Wars: I've got a bad feeling about this

Tim Jenkins

Re: Yes, let's not

"You could at least be sure that Han shot first with Quentin at the helm"

Han would have execute(d) every motherf*cking last one of (them), accompanied by The Shangri-Las singing 'Leader of the Pack"....

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UK's pirate-nagging VCAP scheme WON'T have penalties – report

Tim Jenkins

Re: Sort out the pricing...

"took me a couple of months to watch them all"

Took me most of Season 1 on Netflix to work out that each episode was less than 50 minutes long when watched that way, as each 'hour' of 'real time' action in the TV broadcast included the advert breaks. Weirdly, I felt kind of cheated; it meant there were 4 hours we didn't get to see, presumably when JB got to shit and shower (but never shave)...

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Microsoft's Windows 8.1 updates also tweak Windows Server 2012

Tim Jenkins

Re: Don't need to reboot each time

"Such a simple addition should cause less confusion to new Windows Server 2012 users"

TBH, if your sysadmin can't find the way to restart or shut the thing down, however well hidden, then perhaps they're not the ideal person for that particular role. Maybe something like inventorising the office paperclip supplies...

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When ZOMBIES attack: DDoS traffic triples as 20Gbps becomes the new normal

Tim Jenkins

Re: Why Iran?

Presumably because Iran has been under trade embargo of varying degree, particularly relating to US companies, since the Islamic Revolution of 1979, and so any Microsoft OS located there is likely to be of somewhat dubious origin.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/U.S._sanctions_against_Iran

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NSA's TURBINE robot can pump 'malware into MILLIONS of PCs'

Tim Jenkins

Re: I invite the US and the other 5 eyes partners...

"My religion consists of the 4-B's... Babes, Beaches, Beer, and BBQ"

Your interrogation regime* will therefore consist of Ann Widdecombe in a micro-bikini, serving you warm Kaliber lager and cold Linda MacCartney sausages on a replica of Blackpool seafront in November.

* Illegally renditioned UK citizens only. Feel free to substitute other methods where culturally appropriate.

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UK spies on MILLIONS of Yahoo! webcams, ogles sex vids - report

Tim Jenkins

Re: Translation:

"Hey, lookee here! Tits!!!!"

Nope; that's not the body part(s) in question; they deemed it to be 'undesirable nudity', remember?

On the other hand*, research into penile recognition technology should now get an unexpected infusion of Government cash (and another use for those airport full-body scanners too)

*or in the other hand. YMMV.

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This tool demands access to YOUR ENTIRE DIGITAL LIFE. Is it from GCHQ? No - it's by IKEA

Tim Jenkins

The IKEA 'Splosh': now available with 4 or 6 drawers in a range of colours

I get all my kitchen design inspiration from the web, as they are frequently the location for video entertainment which highlights the importance of sturdy worktops, robust cupboard handles and wipe-clean surfaces.

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Why 2014 might just be the year of the Google Chromebook

Tim Jenkins

"There were some great netbooks out there"

'Great' can be anything that meets your perceived needs for an acceptable price. My wifes requirements for web access, email and a little light Office on the sofa while watching TV are adequately met by her Asus netbook running Win 7 Starter, particularly after I'd cracked it open and installed a non-netbook-spec extra gig of RAM. My 'needs', on the other had, are fulfilled by the quad-core monster upstairs with SLI GPUs and screen the size of a barn, 'cos some of those zombies have really small heads...

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Mosquitoes, Comets and Vampires: The de Havilland Museum

Tim Jenkins

Re: The Mossie

"the Mosquito's greatest asset was it's wooden airframe that gave it lightness and subsequent speed advantage over all metal designs"

Perhaps not so good in some other theatres though; my grandfather, who was a photographer with an RAF recon unit in Burma, had a lovely story about two Mossies arriving there, only to be eaten by the local insects before they could be suitably housed...

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BT network-level STOCKINGs-n-suspenders KILLER arrives in time for Xmas

Tim Jenkins

Re: "strict", "moderate" and "light".

"All I want for Christmas is a VPN connection outside of blighty"

Mine costs under $3 pcm, now I've paid for a year in advance, and as a bonus I can switch to US Netflix and carry on enjoying My Name is Earl from a portable device while the Wii keeps feeding the kids iPlayer habit...

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Chester Cathedral smites net in Wi-Fi SMUT OUTRAGE

Tim Jenkins

That's most of the History curriculum b*ggered, then...

Example from https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/national-curriculum-in-england-history-programmes-of-study/national-curriculum-in-england-history-programmes-of-study

*the development of Church, state and society in Britain 1509-1745*

Renaissance and Reformation in Europe

the English Reformation and Counter-Reformation (Henry VIII to Mary I)

the Elizabethan religious settlement and conflict with Catholics (including Scotland, Spain and Ireland)

the first colony in America and first contact with India

the causes and events of the civil wars throughout Britain

the Interregnum (including Cromwell in Ireland)

the Restoration, ‘Glorious Revolution’ and power of Parliament

the Act of Union of 1707, the Hanoverian succession and the Jacobite rebellions of 1715 and 1745

Try researching that lot with the filters for weaponry, racially insensitive language, political bias, religious intolerance and sexual misconduct switched on...

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