* Posts by Red Bren

1298 posts • joined 17 Oct 2007

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HAM IN SPAAAAAACE! ISS astronaut contacted by Gloucestershire bloke in garden shed

Red Bren
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Boffin

Space Lettuce?

I'm not setting foot off this planet until the boffins invent Space Bacon!

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Buffoon in 999 call: 'Cat ate my bacon and I want to press charges'

Red Bren
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Trollface

@ launcap Re: Too polite

"Can't decide whether this is satire, trolling or dumbness.."

Maybe a bit of all three? I did google before posting and found opinion to be divided* on the subject. Some results suggested cats can eat pork while others claimed it would cause them problems such as irritable bowel syndrome. My favourite theory was that pork tastes too much like human flesh and the manufacturers don't want cats to get a taste for it...

* A bit like global warming. So I stuck to my original preconceptions...

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Red Bren
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Re: Too polite

They should have told him to report it to the RSPCA. Cats can't digest pork, which is why you never see pork flavoured cat food. So this is an animal welfare issue...

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UK.gov wants to stop teenagers looking at tits online. No, really

Red Bren
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Coat

Nob gags or political commentary?

Don't know if I should be worried that my nob joke has had more upvotes than my scathing political insights on the subject...

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Red Bren
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"It keeps popping up, and feels ickier and ickier each time, and more desperate"

But enough about your penis, what do you think of this policy?

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Red Bren
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Childcatcher

Safer places for children

Here are some other places that Cameron could make safer for children:

Roads

Theme Parks

Building Sites

The Houses of Parliament

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A third of workers admit they'd leak sensitive biz data for peanuts

Red Bren
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Re: A simple patch

Morals don't pay the mortgage and you can't eat Ethics. If some spiv can tempt your staff to jeopardise their employment, perhaps the spiv values your data and employees more than you?

My behaviour is modified by money; That's why I work.

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US State of Georgia sues 'terrorist' for publishing its own laws ... on the internet

Red Bren
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Re: A bit harsh on fools and dopes who do coke ........

Political commentary AMFM? Have you been upgrading your AI?

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Red Bren
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Black Helicopters

Annotations for terrorism laws

A terrorist is any person who causes embarrassment to the state

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SPLAT! STAR THWACKED, GUTS flung into space at 15 per cent of LIGHTSPEED

Red Bren
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Pint

Re: Disappointed

Thanks for the explanation. I knew I hadn't drunk enough for the comments to not make sense...

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Beaten blokes HATE the women who frag them in online games

Red Bren
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FAIL

in the dim distant past

When I used to play online ganes I would often use a female avatar as I found it easier to blag free stuff from male players. It went slightly wrong once when I tried flirting with another female player. "You're a bloke in RL, aren't you! Well so am I!" was the response.

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High Court smacks down 'emergency' UK spy bill as UNLAWFUL

Red Bren
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Unhappy

Re: I've always wondered about RIPA/DRIPA

"The official secrets act would be strong enough to tell the police to go pound sand..."

So the Official Secrets act means officials can have secrets, but DRIPA means that the public cannot.

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Red Bren
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Big Brother

Rinse and repeat

"Emergency" legislation to legitimise illegal state surveillance has been deemed illegal. So we can expect more "emergency" legislation just before the deadline to try and legitimise it again. Rinse and repeat, but in the meantime the state continues to spy on you.

The court should have demanded immediate compliance until proper legislation was in place, with Home Secretary Theresa May and Chief Constables facing jail time for contempt of court in the event of non-compliance.

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Google robo-car in rear-end smash – but cack-handed human blamed

Red Bren
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Terminator

As this is Google...

Are the Google cars recording every interaction they have with other vehicles? Every failure to indicate, every red light jumped, etc? How long before you can google the registration of the arsehole who cut you up this morning, find out where they tend to be a given time and go offer them some helpful driving advice? How long before Google cars will adapt their driving style based on the history they have collected for the registration plates of the surrounding vehicles? How long before they start taking revenge...

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The Great Barrier Relief – Inside London's heavy metal and concrete defence act

Red Bren
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Re: Manual operation?

"how many puny humans are needed to open or close each gate?"

Just the one, if it's Chuck Norris, but don't call him puny...

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On yer bike: Hammerhead satnav for cyclists – just don't look down

Red Bren
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Re: Rules are for you too.

In my neck of the woods you get 2 or 3 motorist jumping the red light with every change. That's pretty much 100% offending rate. I've even had impatient arseholes behind me sounding their horns when I've stopped at the red that they were planning to jump after me!

So, one anecdote all.

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Red Bren
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Re: Rules are for you too.

Because no motorist has ever jumped a red light or pedestrian crossing. No pededtrian has ever stepped into the street without looking.

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Oxford Uni unearths 800-year-old document to seize domain names

Red Bren
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Paris Hilton

Re: I read it as oxfordcollegegirl.com

You might have discovered a brief but lucrative business opportunity, unless I register it first...

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Smart Meter biz case still there, insists tragically optimistic UK govt

Red Bren
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Pint

Re: @Red Bren Smart meters in "dumb"

Thanks for taking the time to compose such a detailed response. It seems BG have installed the L&G E110 which does indeed appear to be a "dumb" meter.

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Red Bren
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Terminator

@Ledswinger: Smart meters in "dumb"

British Gas recently replaced my mechanical meter with a digital one. I repeatedly refused to accept a smart meter so they fitted a "dumb" one; it even described it as such in the work sheet they left me. Is there any way of telling if I've been duped with a dormant smart meter that could get reanimated at a later date?

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Mars rover Opportunity shuns dodgy flash chips, relies on RAM

Red Bren
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Headmaster

Martian Winter

"The next few months should be good times for Opportunity, because Mars' winter has come to an end."

Alternatively, these could be very bad times if Mars has suffered the loss of an entire hemisphere!

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iPhone case uses phone's OWN SIGNAL to charge it (forever, presumably)

Red Bren
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Joke

I have created such an encryption scheme, but the decryption key is exactly the same size as the original file...

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Boffin: Will I soon be able to CLONE a WOOLLY MAMMOTH? YES. Should I? Hell NO

Red Bren
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Re: PULL THE LEVEL IGOR! WUH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA!!!!

Upvote for the Igor icon!

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Sky bangs on Ofcom's door – demands BT competition probe

Red Bren
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Re: Pension costs

BT has a pension deficit of £7Bn, but made a profit last year of £3.17Bn. Perhaps it should live within its means and pay off some debts?

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Red Bren
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Pirate

Breaking up is never easy

When the wholesale arm of a company sells a service that is consumed by the retail arm and its competitors, there's a disincentive to price the service competitively, because the losses of the retail arm are recouped by the wholesale arm, while the competition (and new entrants in particular) are priced out.

So BT should be broken up. Without the disincentive, Openreach will push its service to as many takers as it can, to maximise its ROI, while BT Retail will have to compete on price and customer service, instead of having relying on holding a virtual monopoly.

And Sky should be broken up for the same reason. It has a long track record of using exclusive content to attract punters to its platform, or overcharging other platform operators to show its channels. Split Sky into a content arm and a platform arm, and the content will be pushed to the widest possible audience, while the platform arm will have to innovate to differentiate itself from BT and VM.

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Chair legs it from UK govt smart meter installation programme

Red Bren
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Flame

Re: The benefit is to the electricity company

"There will be some 'green' types who will assiduously study their smart meter and end up doing the laundry at 3am"

They will be wasting their time if they do. When my supplier tried to push a smart meter on me, I asked if there would be a price difference between peak and non-peak periods (like a more fine-grained Economy 7) but was told no, the unit price was the same no matter what time of day you were using it.

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Red Bren
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Pirate

Re: Correction

Or to look at it another way, "As we know from bitter experience, big businesses are not good at big projects, but CEOs know how to hide bad news just long enough for their share options and huge pension entitlements to mature. Then they disappear into the (tax haven) sunset before the truth is uncovered and the company collapses, or gets a state bailout.

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MILLIONS of broadband punters aren't getting it fast enough – Which?

Red Bren
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Holmes

> And herein lies the problem. The speed you see on the headline is UP TO - that's UP TO, not "You'll get this speed". When people begin to understand what "up to" means, then people will quit moaning.

No herein lies the problem. The amount you see on the bill is the headline price - not UP TO this price. When BT et al start billing customers for the service actually delivered, rather than headline price for a fraction of the headline speed, then people will quit moaning.

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Climate change alarmism is a religious belief – it's official

Red Bren
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Re: Read the whole thing

> Having made the whole planet reformatting a bit of it isn't much of an ask is it.

Didn't he do some kind of wipe and refresh using 40 days and nights of rain, with a couple of backup copies of his favourite things in a waterproof container?

I'm going to start quoting Eddie Izzard again...

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Config file wipe blunder caused deadly Airbus A400M crash – claim

Red Bren
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> magnitude 7 or larger earthquakes tend to occur the same week as a large aircraft crash

It's God punishing us for our lack of air worthiness

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Swordfish fatally stabs man after man stabs, fatally, swordfish

Red Bren
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Holmes

Re: GOOD

"Llanes ran the charter boat to feed his family."

How much difference in profit is there between

"Take a trip on my boat to see the exotic fish."

and

"Take a trip on my boat to kill the exotic fish!!!"

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The 'echo chamber' effect misleading people on climate change

Red Bren
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All lies and jest

Paul Simon summed it up perfectly - "Still a man hears what he wants to hear and disregards the rest."

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Creationist: The Flintstones was an accurate portrayal of Dino-human coexistence

Red Bren
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Re: Hmm...

"There’s a huge hole in the whole Flood drama, because anything that could float or swim got away scot-free, and it was the idea to wipe out everything, He didn’t say, “I will kill everything, except the floating ones and the swimming ones, who will get out due to a loophole." - Eddie Izzard, Glorious.

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Heroic German rozzers rescue innocent lamb from sordid brothel

Red Bren
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Re: ...started drinking from a bottle.

Reminds me of Mitchell & Webb's Vet sketch

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Massive police 'heavy equipment' robot drags out suspect who hid inside television

Red Bren
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Re: I am now authorised to use lethal force @Jimmy2Cows

"Can you say "over-reaction"

And if they hadn't, the robot would have got taken out, just 2 days before its retirement.

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Scot Nationalists' march on Westminster may be GOOD for UK IT

Red Bren
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Re: Leaving the EU

"all those in a position to influence the decision, from the EU President downwards, agree that a newly independent Scotland would have to reapply to join the EU"

But that was on the basis of Scotland seceding from the UK and its treaty obligations. In the event of the English voting "out" in an EU referendum and the Scots, Welsh and Irish voting "in", England could effectively have to secede from the UK while Scotland, Wales and NI would inherit the EU membership?

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Lies, damn lies and election polls: Why GE2015 pundits fluffed the numbers so badly

Red Bren
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Re: a 48 year-old writes

"the UK has a tendency towards Conservative government"

Is this just a reflection of human selfishness, or getting more right wing as you get older? You start off young and poor so you vote Labour, but once you start climbing the economic ladder, you don't want to pay to support the less fortunate below you so you vote Tory?

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Mildly successful flying car crashes - in mildly successful test flight

Red Bren
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Mushroom

@Shaun 2

"Combined with some explosive blots to rid the weight of the wings/engine/luggage, then maybe?"

Who would be in charge of jettisoning the wings/engines/luggage? The pilot and copilot may agree that the aircraft is doomed and press the emergency button, but what about the orphanage/kitten sanctuary/financial services hub* in the path of the flaming debris? Will the button refuse to operate over populated areas? A doomed pilot may still have enough control to heroically ditch the aircraft where it will minimize ground casualties, but given an escape route, may decide to save themselves! (Apologies, I'm doing pilots an incredible dis-service to make my point)

* People have different priorities for completing "Won't someone think of the...?"

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Round Two in Sky vs Skype trademark scrap goes to Murdoch's men

Red Bren
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Trollface

Hoist by their own petard?

I'm sure I remember reading a similar article back in 2004.

Wouldn't it be ironic if that case was quoted as precedent.

Isn't it about time we stopped companies from trademarking common nouns?

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Good luck displacing Windows 7, Microsoft, it's still growing

Red Bren
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Gimp

Re: You listening Microsoft?

New PCs will come with some hardware that old versions of Windows won't support. Or the latest version of your business critical app will only work with the latest version of Windows. Or the fix for some newly discovered exploit that's been a ticking timebomb in the code base since 3.11 is not going to get back-ported to XP.

You're on the upgrade treadmill and you're going to get milked.

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Tesla reveals Powerwall battery packs for homes, Powerpacks for cities

Red Bren
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Re: Much needed publicity for energy storage at last!

"we can all put the kettle on and have a cup of tea when Eastenders finishes"

Then the solution is to ban Eastenders.

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Apple Watch HATES tattoos: Inky pink sinks rinky-dink sensor

Red Bren
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Gimp

I'm going to get a tattoo of an Apple Watch on my wrist.

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MAYHEM in ORBIT: Russian cargo pod spins OUT OF CONTROL

Red Bren
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Headmaster

Re: Proof reading?

"Mercian?"

Do the people of Tamworth spell things differently?

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Red Bren
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Alien

In space, no one can hear you scream

Due to the deafening sound of rumbling tummies!

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Surveillance, broadband, zero hours: Tech policy in a UK hung Parliament

Red Bren
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Re: Zero-hour is an arbitrary limit

There's no need to ban zero-hours contracts, just enact a law that all overtime (the hours worked over your contracted hours) must be paid at double the hourly rate. If you're on a zero hours contract, you're going to be earning at least double the minimum wage rate.

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Yay, we're all European (Irish) now on Twitter (except Americans)

Red Bren
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Mushroom

Dr No!

"Yay, we're all European (Irish) now"

Rev Ian Paisley must be spinning in his grave!

Unless he was cremated.

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Red Bren
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Big Brother

Re: I feel safer now

And GCHQ have absolutely no experience of tapping communications to the Irish Republic...

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Struggling through the Crystal Maze in our hunt for a spare CAT5

Red Bren
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FAIL

Why is it

In every office I've worked, each desk has 3 or 4 network ports, but on average only 1 in 5 actually works?

To get a network port enabled, first the (outsourced) local support engineer has to trace the cable back to the cabinet to ensure it's plugged in. Then the (outsourced to a different provider) network engineer has to enable the connection. Each step has its own 7 working day SLA and costs £££ so people just bring in their own hubs.

When the company decided to install IP telephones, they got a nasty shock when they discovered how many desks didn't have a network connection and hadn't budgeted for the extra work. You could tell the project manager didn't believe us when we told him we all used wifi.

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Red Bren
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Mushroom

AI law enforcement

"Once AI starts enforcing everything, we will be doomed."

Try getting an AI to fathom the contradictions of the legal system and you're going to be facing a HAL style nervous breakdown, followed by a Skynet judgement day.

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To defend offshore finance bods looting developing countries of their tax cash

Red Bren
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Pint

Re: To put it simply....

@Ossi

"Only if you assume that output is fixed and, well, it isn't."

But Ossi, you're assuming that demand is not fixed, when for a given price point, it likely is. If you start producing too many widgets, you're going to saturate your market and drive your price down, so you produce the same number of widgets, using less staff. More people chasing fewer jobs drives wages down, but less money in the workers pockets means less customers with the money to buy your widgets.

So there's no point investing money in anything, ever!

Hmm, I assure you, this holiday drinking hasn't intaired my impellect *hic*

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