* Posts by Aristotles slow and dimwitted horse

980 posts • joined 28 Sep 2007

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Pisspoor EE customer service earns it a cool £1 MILLION Ofcom fine

Aristotles slow and dimwitted horse

...

"He added that complaints to Ofcom about EE have fallen by 50 per cent in the past year."

That's because all of your customers have f**ked off to Vodafone and Three.

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David Beckham fakes bewilderment to flog mobiles to Yanks. Fakes?

Aristotles slow and dimwitted horse

If I was that rich...

I'd own everything including the internets, oceans, most of the people, buildings, and Gwyneth Paltrow.

I'd just get all of my slaves to do all that shopping and phoning stuff so I'm not surprised Becks isn't interested in the details.

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Angry Austrian takes a hit in David and Goliath Facebook battle

Aristotles slow and dimwitted horse

Rewrote it for you...

"However, the court ruled on Wednesday that it just couldn't be arsed to take the case seriously."

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UK.gov spaffed billions into IT projects at 'high risk of failure' last year

Aristotles slow and dimwitted horse

Eh?

"These are particularly challenging, typically requiring a complex business transformation process with IT, organisational, operational, and regulatory change being implemented simultaneously."

But these elements exist in every major programme I have ever delivered or worked on. None of those ever ended up in this shoddy state. What a fucking fiasco!

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Layoff-happy Capita charges staff to use cutlery in canteens

Aristotles slow and dimwitted horse

"value-added solutions?"

Is that how Capita refer to as basic canteen accoutrements?

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Warning flags were raised over GDS farm payments system – yet it still failed

Aristotles slow and dimwitted horse

Awesome quotage...

"Complexity had been one of the main issues"

"Getting used to working in an agile way"

Lol Kainos, just lol.

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Indiana Jones whips Bond in greatest movie character poll

Aristotles slow and dimwitted horse

What no...

Biggus Dickus.

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British banks consider emoji as password replacement

Aristotles slow and dimwitted horse

How does it work over the phone...

When I phone my bank, as part of the validation process they ask me to correctly state certain key characters of my password...

Bank : What is letter two of your password?

Me : Err.. it's kind of a sad Japanese looking girl with rosy cheeks and a tear in her eye.

Bank : And letter number seven?

Me : It's a happy looking dog.

Bank : No that's incorrect.

Me : A miserable cat?

Bank : No.

Me : A happy horse?

How novel.

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EU: Explain your tax affairs. Google, Amazon, Facebook: Mmm... nah

Aristotles slow and dimwitted horse

Whilst I'm sure they should attend...

They have no legal obligation to do so - as they are not breaking the law. Until Europe formally investigate and charge these companies with some form of tax crime - then its all hot air.

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Life in plastic, it's fantastic: Playmobil supremo dies at 81

Aristotles slow and dimwitted horse

When I was a kid...

One of my best friends dad was a salesman for Playmobil and his garage was literally stuffed to the rafters with the stuff. The scuba diver was always my favourite, thus mirroring my favourite pastime now I am (almost) all grown up.

Happy memories.

RIP Horst.

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NSA slapdown prompts Privacy Int'l to file new lawsuit against GCHQ

Aristotles slow and dimwitted horse

I have an idea...

Perhaps we could have, I dunno... an election or something? Then we (i.e. the concerned public) could force each party to ensure that any manifesto must have a core statement to ensure that these rogue state agancies are dealt with as per the will of the people? Plus a forced review of the foreign policies or something that make us a terrorist target in the first place?

Because it's our government right? And these wankers are supposed to manage the country on the mandate of the people right? And being informed on how your privacy is being eroded gradually by "your" government is a core concern of everyone right? Rather than just wanking off over internet porn and watching chat shows?

Oh...

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HP coughs up $100 MEEELLION to settle Autonomy lawsuit

Aristotles slow and dimwitted horse

I hate those f**king meerkats!!!!

"HP's insurance will pay $100m to a settlement fund."

I'm guessing that'll put a dent in their no-claims bonus?

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Mad Max: Fury Road – two hours of nonstop, utterly insane fantasy action

Aristotles slow and dimwitted horse

Just my $0.02 worth...

It's a great movie. But... it started too quickly and I spent the first 20 mins doing the "eh? what? errr... eh?" After that, it all kicked off and I didn't really care as overall it's a huge mad beautiful looking utterly bonkers mayhemic firecracker of a movie.

You could replace Tom Hardy with any generic male action lead and you wouldn't notice. They should have called it "Mad generic post apocalyptic bloke."

It's Charlize Therons movie. I love Charlize Theron.

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Stand-up and be counted²: Nerd is the funny word

Aristotles slow and dimwitted horse

Whatever happened to Demetri Martin?

That guy and his very funny and clever (mathematical) show had me in stitches. Not heard a lot from him recently.

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Voyager 2 'stopped' last week, and not just for maintenance

Aristotles slow and dimwitted horse

@ Pointless golden record

Just my view on things...

Chances of intelligent life finding it in the next 10,000 years? 100%

Already knowing we exist? 100%

Keeping us at arms length because they have better things to do? 100%

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ZX Spectrum 'Hobbit' revival sparks developer dispute

Aristotles slow and dimwitted horse

Melbourne House?

It's the best part of 30 years old... and still better than the shambles of the recent movies.

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Daisy Group offers to gobble Phoenix IT Group for £133m

Aristotles slow and dimwitted horse

Hopefully as part of the acquisition...

They'll sort out Phoenix's shambolic SCM and fulfillment processes.

I won't hold my breath though.

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NetApp consciously uncouples from 500+ staff

Aristotles slow and dimwitted horse
Thumb Up

Notwithstanding the article...

Nice picture of Gwyneth. It's brightened my day up no end.

Thanks Reg :-)

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100s of Virgin Media customers hit by handset repair glitch, telco admits

Aristotles slow and dimwitted horse

@ Lost all faith...

"They've been screwing my parents over for years but not letting them know they are on a crap, expensive service (been on them since the Telewest days)"

But do you and/or your parents not bear some of the responsibility of ensuring that they are on the best service plan for their needs on a regular basis, rather than naturally assuming that they are being, as you put it "screwed"?

By your measure I'm assuming your parents are the sort of people who simply accept the renewal costs as stated by their insurance providers rather than shopping about?

I have no sympathy.

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Aristotles slow and dimwitted horse

I know I'll get downvoted but...

On the other hand, I've only had two Virgin broadband outages in almost 3 years, and they've just put me onto a faster broadband only package - but for £12 per month less than I was paying.

So not all bad.

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Microsoft's certification exams: So easy, a child of six could pass them. Literally

Aristotles slow and dimwitted horse

I'm sure his parents must be very proud...

"Computer Business Review adds that the youngster scored 57 more points than the required 700 minimum needed to pass the exam simply by answering every question with a cross in every box marked "(D) None of the above"".

Another industry observer stated "The childs overall score is 756 points higher than the benchmark to join HPs professional services department."

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Witcher 3: Wild Hunt – a true monster in the making

Aristotles slow and dimwitted horse

@ Bernard M Orwell

Sure, but the truth and continued/ongoing advertising revenues rerely coincide.

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IBM trades cold comfort for hot air in Microsoft-AWS slugfest

Aristotles slow and dimwitted horse

It's all marketing bullshit.

Cloud vs Managed infrastructure / applications that IBM have been doing in their datacentres for years.

There is no difference other than the underlying platform is all ESX or VMware imaged so setup can be automated and scripted for reduced startup time, and that cross frame resources can be added or removed "on account" until requir...

... sorry, I caught myself not using marketing bullshit... of course I mean "be made elastic".

* Facepalm *

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Tesco tries to talk Tesco Mobile up from 'Value' to 'Finest' ahead of sale

Aristotles slow and dimwitted horse

@ Terry 6

I disagree. You are more than able to go and get a mobile and contract via Vodaphone or Three for example.

And no, I didn't miss the finer nuance of your post. You make it sound as though you are being held in stalag 14 - when in fact you are able to go and get a new contract with any number of new suppliers should you wish.

Alternatively you could fire off a complaint to Ofcom... let me know how that works out for you.

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Sprint and Verizon to pay $158 MILLION over bogus 'cramming' fees

Aristotles slow and dimwitted horse

@ ASDF

I share the sentiment of your comment, but would add that the CEO's of these giant telco's probabaly aren't even aware that their marketing and operations departments are running these types of "service" (read : scams).

I'd also posit that it is most likely that the pushing of these services is done complicitly on the back of a risk based business case which goes something like this:

Predicted earnings running scam = $200m

Risk assessment against being fined = - £100m

Scam profit / Ker'chiiing-ment = $100m

Good eh? The new business is all about the money. Fuck the ethics.

The telco cartel long ago realised that customers have a short memory. And when customers have a limited choice in other suppliers, and, when all of those alternatives (i.e. your cartel partners) are running the same scam - the risk of reputational damage means nothing

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EEeeeeek, complaints! Ofcom roasts BT-wannabe-spouse

Aristotles slow and dimwitted horse

Interesting...

I'm sure I saw an advert the on the TV other day suggesting that Plusnet was the UK's "favourite and least complained about" ISP.

Granted, it was a Plusnet advert.

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Traumatised Reg SPB team barely survives movie unwatchablathon

Aristotles slow and dimwitted horse

Based on an El Reg comment post earlier this week...

On Wednesday evening I did...

Maximum Overdrive

Killdozer

and then, just for luck, a classic from my childhood...

The Monolith Monsters

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Canada passes controversial spook-powers law

Aristotles slow and dimwitted horse

Makes you wonder eh?

First the US, then France, Germany, and now Canada...

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Microsoft Azure – or how to make the public cloud work for you

Aristotles slow and dimwitted horse

A foregone conclusion...

"As it turns out, making a workload elastic on Azure is so push-button simple that devoting an article to the topic borders on insulting the intelligence of the readership.."

*cough* *cough* Yeah, absolutely...

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HP lifts lid on Autonomy lawsuit claims, but Lynch cries BOLLOCKS

Aristotles slow and dimwitted horse
FAIL

Mike Lynch is quite correct when he refers to HP management as "inept".

Just my $0.02 - I have been in IT management now for the best part of around 25 years in various forms. In that time I have had the misfortune of having worked on multiple engagements where HP have been either a delivery partner, SI or "consultancy" in some area or another.

In each of these engagements, the HP management and quality of those personnel, the managers themselves, and/or the quality of the usual litany of subcontracted offshore 3rd parties (mostly often also owned by HP BTW) can only be described as inept. "Totally shit" would be a more flattering description if you were wondering about the hierarchy.

I have no doubt that HP have some good people (somewhere) but they certainly aren't in professional services management as far as I can tell, or in the "provision of good value for money" department.

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iPhone case uses phone's OWN SIGNAL to charge it (forever, presumably)

Aristotles slow and dimwitted horse

*cough* *cough* ahem!!!

"Vulture Central is quite sure that our readers will really get behind this device and not pooh-pooh the mobe-charging claims one bit. Right?"

Yeah, because we'd never do that...

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Round Two in Sky vs Skype trademark scrap goes to Murdoch's men

Aristotles slow and dimwitted horse

I can't believe (well I can), but all the same...

That grown-up "professional" people get out of bed in the morning and go to work to argue about this crap.

Whilst I may occasionally grumble about my job, it does make me thankful that at least I spend my work day doing something constructive.

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House of Cards UI central to Mozilla's plans for Firefox on tellies

Aristotles slow and dimwitted horse
Thumb Down

Alternatively...

I might just want to turn on the TV, have a quick flick through the guide, and pick what want to watch in a quick and efficient manner as possible.

Not have to navigate through a cumbersome menu structure just to do the basics.

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Strange alien-like life zones found beneath Antarctic glacier

Aristotles slow and dimwitted horse

Re: Science is hard

Indeed it is, and it's a moving target which makes it doubly difficult. Just when you get up to speed with all of the names and timelines of the "periods" and "epochs", you then have to get real to the fact that some of these "eras" actually have their own secondary eras, but that they are called the same as the preceeding era, but actually happened prior to the start of the next econtiguous era...

Take this one for example...

"the glacier sits atop a fjord-like valley that, as it filled with ice after the Miocene era Miocene era"

Brainfuck!!! :-$

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>Ring, ring< Hey Wall St. Yeah, it's Google. Yeah, bad news again, fellas

Aristotles slow and dimwitted horse

Yeah.. sorry folks...

We only made 10 gazillion dollars. It's just not enough is it.

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giffgaff riff-raff hacked off with lift-off of cash spaff

Aristotles slow and dimwitted horse

Excellent.

The perfect amount of information and abject sarcasm wrapped up in a bitesized news nugget.

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McLaren CIO putters sideways into Heathrow Airport

Aristotles slow and dimwitted horse

@ Little Mouse

Thanks, we all know that PR fluff != Reality.

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Aristotles slow and dimwitted horse

Worked for him at McLaren...

He's a really good guy and made the very best of it despite being hamstrung by the trainwreck of McLaren corporate.

If you read this - best of luck Stuart.

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Fed-up Colorado man takes 9mm PISTOL to vexing Dell PC

Aristotles slow and dimwitted horse

Err...

So he has the right to bear arms - but not to actually discharge them?

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Post Office denies IT blunders led to criminal charges against posties

Aristotles slow and dimwitted horse

Re : A Post Office spokesman said...

"Over the past three years there have been exhaustive investigations which have not found any evidence of systemic problems with the Horizon system."

By whom? The Post Office?

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The Internet of things is great until it blows up your house

Aristotles slow and dimwitted horse

I was going to write a reasoned detailed response...

But I can sum it up in 5 words:

What a load of old bollocks.

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Incomprehensible boffins bring quantum computers a step closer

Aristotles slow and dimwitted horse
Go

Incomprehensible?

It made perfect sense to me once I'd seen through the sciency fog and considered it in relation to 24 Olympic sized swimming pools, 4 London buses... and a set of Bulgarian airbags.

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Halifax's '24/7' online banking service is down YET AGAIN

Aristotles slow and dimwitted horse

Perhaps...

All of the staff at the Indian based SI that now supports the majority of the Halifax's IT estate got their location mixed up and were looking for the "on/reboot" button in Halifax, NS?

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Jailed Brit con phishes prison, gets bail

Aristotles slow and dimwitted horse
FAIL

It's no suprise the staff fell for it...

The only pay those G4 types by the hour.

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Home Office awards Raytheon £150m over e-borders cancellation

Aristotles slow and dimwitted horse
FAIL

Honestly...

Even as a work of fiction this utter farce would appear far-fetched.

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Google dangles $70m before new CFO to lure her from Wall Street

Aristotles slow and dimwitted horse

Wowsers. That's some package...

...a lady said to me the other day.

In other news that's a hell of an offer. Makes my day rate look miserable - and I bet I do the same hours as well.

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Labour has a pop at the government over missed GDS targets

Aristotles slow and dimwitted horse

RE : "Encountering serious IT problems."

Excuse me, but it is very rarely "IT" that is the problem on these large multi-year, multi-multi-million pound, 3rd party / SI party led programmes. The issue is normally that the fundamental prerequisites such as agreeing scope, putting in place the management controls, adequate requirements gathering and business analysis, and at least some modicum of level 1 design not having been completed and agreed before firing the gun on technical delivery - that is the issue.

It is usually "IT" that inherits the problem*.

Unfortunately, being "SI led" a lot of these big organisations get blinded by the benefits of the "agile method" - but get to hear none of the cons or prerequisites that still need to be in place to control it.

* - Thats's not to say IT are totally blameless all the time. I myself once tried to connect a PX11IES into a SUNZI RZ_11BXY before enabling the webmethods interface between R11a and the R/3 module. Boy that was a tough day. But we laughed... eventually.

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BT fined £800k over lax emergency text relay delay blunder

Aristotles slow and dimwitted horse

Perhaps the real reason was...

That BT couldn't hear them?

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Aged 18-24? Don't care about voting? Got a phone? Oh dear...

Aristotles slow and dimwitted horse

@ Dave30

I was going to make this point but you beat me to it. Have an upvote for your efforts.

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Attack of the Digital People: The BBC goes fully Bong

Aristotles slow and dimwitted horse

Excellent

It's exactly this kind of article that allows El Reg to win my lunchtime "browsing time".

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