* Posts by Bob Gulien

31 posts • joined 27 Feb 2007

Microsoft wants someone to turn Xbox into Xphone

Bob Gulien
Terminator

isn't that going backwards...

Mobile phones getting lighter and MS wants us to heave a Xbox to our ears?

Something wrong with this Steve B.

When his medicine runs out, he pumps out these memo's. Sweating, because he has got to hurry, he hears the nurse coming already.

Then the nurse comes in with his medicine and she's sees it's too late again.

Oh and fine folks at El Reg: Happy NY and try to make an icon with Steve B.

Gates is sooo 2009!!

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Dirty, dirty PCs: The X-rated picture guide

Bob Gulien
Happy

The last...

are obviously a setup. The mice look too good.

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Freecom Hard Drive XS

Bob Gulien
Thumb Up

@handle

I have the 1.5Tb version. There is no fan and no, it's not running hot. Also there is absolutely no noise.

I have to hold my hand on the disk to feel it working. The rubber damping the noise as well.

It's running at a adequate speed on my Mac, but my LaCie firewire 800 is obviously a lot faster.

I use the Freecom as a Time Machine backup repository, and for that task it is fast enough. Recommended!

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Apple, Microsoft sued over iPod, Zune controls

Bob Gulien
Headmaster

Curious how all these lawsuits end?

Is there a place where one can look how all these lawsuits pan out?

All we get to know is, that there is another lawsuit, but almost never how it ends.

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Microsoft stores to get in Apple's face this autumn

Bob Gulien

Nice test, but...

I really don't know what MS has to show in a retail setting. Maybe a cooperation with hardware partners.

I have seen the late San Francisco store and I found it wanting.

But if you've been to an Apple store, you'll know it's hard to beat as an shopping experience and setting their store next to an Apple store is inviting comparisons and I don't know if it will be favourable for MS.

I think it will be a lemon, just like the Dell store in Manhattan.

I don't know why MS bothers. It's always miles behind Apple, so why do this?

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Ballmer gets tough with girly Microsoft partners

Bob Gulien

2 OS'ses

"Last time I checked, you don't need two client operating systems"

How about Win and WinMob then, Mr. B.

And te last time he ridiculed something, it went and bit him in the arse!

Iphone, remember!

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Brit firm stops anti-tank warheads with cloth

Bob Gulien

@So we are basically fitting tanks with Kilts!

yes, you can choose your own tartan.

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Plod called in on MPs' expenses leak

Bob Gulien
Thumb Down

of course

The ministers named in today's expenses stories have all denied wrongdoing. ®

Of course you do.

It's your god given prerogative to f#*k the taxpayer!!

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Mayor Boris backs McKinnon in extradition fight

Bob Gulien
Thumb Up

Good show, Boris

Ejits, those Americans

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SCO auctions Unix and mobile assets to continue fight

Bob Gulien
Thumb Up

I know a buyer

IBM

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Perv Oz burglar pumps and dumps Jungle Jane

Bob Gulien
IT Angle

Another look at Jungle Jane

http://www.bigskyballoons.com/images/Balloons/Jungle_jane.jpg

He's got taste.

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Intel accused of stealing chip virtualization, violating God's law

Bob Gulien
Happy

Why is this guy in prison?

Got too much time on his hands.

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Catholic priests cane YouTube over blasphemous vids

Bob Gulien

Pat Condell

They managed to ban Pat Condell...

http://www.patcondell.net/index.html

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Memo to US Secret Service: Net proxy may pinpoint Palin email hackers

Bob Gulien
Jobs Halo

Is this Webster....

SHOUTING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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US judge says University can ignore Christian course credits

Bob Gulien
Alert

religeous education

Religeous education is child abuse forced upon the children by their parents.

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Too much money? Bling your iPhone with the $1000 app

Bob Gulien
IT Angle

If you realy want something....

that does nothing, then look here:

http://www.bernardbelanger.com/computing/NaDa/index.php

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Bob Gulien
Jobs Halo

What about the support....

Is that v 1.0 or should we wait for the sp1

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Wünderbra! German policewomen take 'Action Brassiere'

Bob Gulien
Happy

Perfect job for me....

"3,000 female cops have been issued with three apiece and are obliged to wear them on duty"

Who is going to check this?

Sounds the perfect job for me.

Now where is my CV?

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Microsoft Mojave 'outs' secret Vista lovers

Bob Gulien
IT Angle

Numbers

If you have an Enterprise Agreement with Microsoft, you pay for a number of licenses in your company.

If you buy PC's there is already a license on it (OEM-license).

So on every PC there's 2 licenses.

Is that taken into account?

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Welsh Darth Vader dodges jail

Bob Gulien
Coat

@Home truths

"Sure we can all enjoy movies for their entertainment value, but to start a frickin church based on a bunch of movies is ludicrous, naive and plain stupid (quick thought, does that make George Lucas their god?)"

Scientology anyone!!

Mine's the Tom Cruise jacket

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Unicaresoft loses MSNLock case against Microsoft

Bob Gulien
Paris Hilton

@counting the days

They tried to get "Windows" as a brandname years ago.

They failed.

@Dutch version: Van Dale is a dictionary in it's own right and not a version of the OED.

Maybe the author wanted to compare it to something similar in English.

PH - 'cause she has both in her library

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Texas man tries to cash $360bn cheque

Bob Gulien
Coat

With that amount...

You don't have to start a record company. Just buy Universal and maybe if you have something left, buy Apple for the distribution via Itunes.

Just checking for loose change in my coat!!

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Load of Microsoft software falls off back of lorry

Bob Gulien
Go

Re: By the Way

Or this:

A consignment of Single Malt Scotch Whisky, destined for the UK Christmas market has been stolen from an independent haulier in Hertfordshire, England.

More than 10,000 bottles of Bowmore Islay Single Malt Scotch Whisky with a retail value of almost £300,000 were taken in the incident which happened around midday on Tuesday the 4 December.

The haul included various expressions of Bowmore, from 12 years old through to 25 years old.

Now that is a loss to all, not the Microshit stuff

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M&S flogs lingerie model with 'durable hardwood feet'

Bob Gulien
Heart

Isn't this a bit like pimping?

We will contact you personally to arrange a delivery date, once your order is ready

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Dutch fire up petrol-pumping robot

Bob Gulien
Go

@BUT

Turn your car around....

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Dutch gov blows open standards raspberry at Microsoft

Bob Gulien
Jobs Halo

@ Webster Phreaky

Anything wrong with EMACS and vi?

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Microsoft folds-in Multimap for '$50m'

Bob Gulien
Go

Maybe the MultiMap routes are shorter

Remeber from last year. The only route between 2 Swedish cities (70k as the crow flies) was via Newcastle, according to MS.

Maybe Multmap has shorter routes.

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BOFH: Xmas party: Get a wriggle on

Bob Gulien

Next installment

Wednesday

8:30 am

Irate user calls to say chipset has nothing to do with fonts on form.

Tell them Of course, they should have been checking "Bitset," not

"chipset." Sheepish user apologizes and hangs up.

9:10am

Support manager, with foot in cast, returns to office. Schedules

10:00am meeting with me. User calls and wants to talk to support

manager about terrible help at support desk. Tell them manager about

to go into meeting. Sometimes life hands you material...

10:00 am

Call Louie in janitorial services to cover for me. Go to support

manager's office. He says he can't dismiss me but can suggest several

lateral career moves. Most involve farm implements in third-world

countries with moderate to heavy political turmoil. By and by, I ask

if he's aware of new bug which takes full-text indexed random e-mail

databases and puts all references to furry handcuffs and Bambi Boomer

in Marketing on the corporate Web page. Meeting is adjourned as he

reaches for keyboard, Web browser, and Tums.

10:30 am

Tell Louie he's doing great job. Offer to show him mainframe

corporate PBX system sometime.

11:00 am

Lunch.

4:55 pm

Return from lunch.

5:00 pm

Shift change; Going home.

Thursday

8:00 am

New guy ("Marvin") started today. "Nice plaids" I offer. Show him

server room, wiring closet, and technical library. Set him up with

IBM PC-XT. Tell him to quit whining, Notes runs the same in both

monochrome and color.

8:45 am

New guy's PC finishes booting up. Tell him I'll create new ID for

him. Set minimum password length to 64. Go grab smoke.

9:30 am

Introduce Louie the custodian to Marvin. "Nice plaids" Louie

comments. Is this guy great or what?!

11:00 am

Beat Louie in dominos game. Louie leaves. Fish spare dominos out of

sleeves ("Always have backups"). User calls, says Accounting server

is down. Untie Ethernet cable from radio antenna (better reception)

and plug back into hub. Tell user to try again. Another happy

customer!

11:55 am

Brief Marvin on Corporate Policy 98.022.01:

"Whereas all new employee beginning on days ending in 'Y' shall enjoy

all proper aspects with said corporation, said employee is obligated

to provide sustenance and relief to senior technical analyst on

shift."

Marvin doubts. I point to "Corporate Policy" database (a fine piece

of work, if I say so myself!). "Remember, that's DOUBLE pepperoni and

NO peppers!" I yell to Marvin as he steps over open floor tile to get

to exit door.

1:00 pm

Oooooh! Pizza makes me so sleepy...

4:30 pm

Wake from refreshing nap. Catch Marvin scanning want ads.

5:00 pm

Shift change. Flick HR's server off and on several times (just

testing the On/Off button...). See ya tomorrow.

Friday

8:00 am

Night shift still trying to replace power supply in HR server. Told

them it worked fine before I left.

9:00 am

Marvin still not here. Decide I might start answering these calls

myself. Unforward phones from Mailroom.

9:02 am

Yep. A user call. Users in Des Moines can't replicate. Me and the

Oiuji board determine it's sunspots. Tell them to call

Telecommunications.

9:30 am

Good God, another user! They're like ants. Says he's in San Diego

and can't replicate with Des Moines. Tell him it's sunspots, but with

a two-hour difference. Suggest he reset the time on the server back

two hours.

10:17 am

Pensacola calls. Says they can't route mail to San Diego. Tell them

to set server ahead three hours.

11:00 am

E-mail from corporate says for everybody to quit resetting the time on

their servers. I change the date stamp and forward it to Milwaukee.

11:20 am

Finish @CoffeeMake macro. Put phone back on hook.

11:23 am

Milwaukee calls, asks what day it is.

11:25 am

Support manager stops by to say Marvin called in to quit. "So hard to

get good help..." I respond. Support manager says he has appointment

with orthopedic doctor this afternoon, and asks if I mind sitting in

on the weekly department head meeting for him. "No problem!"

11:30 am

Call Louie and tell him opportunity knocks and he's invited to a

meeting this afternoon. "Yeah, sure. You can bring your snuff" I

tell him.

12:00 am

Lunch.

1:00 pm

Start full backups on UNIX server. Route them to device NULL to make

them fast.

1:03 pm

Full weekly backups done. Man, I love modern technology!

2:30 pm

Look in support manager's contact management database. Cancel 2:45pm

appointment for him. He really should be at home resting, you know.

2:39 pm

New user calls. Says want to learn how to create a connection

document. Tell them to run connection document utility CTRL-ALT-DEL.

Says PC rebooted. Tell them to call microsupport.

2:50 pm

Support manager calls to say mixup at doctor's office means

appointment cancelled. Says he's just going to go on home. Ask him

if he's seen corporate Web page lately.

3:00 pm

Another (novice) user calls. Says periodic macro not working.

Suggest they place @DeleteDocument at end of formula. Promise to send

them document addendum which says so.

4:00 pm

Finish changing foreground color in all documents to white. Also set

point size to "2" in help databases.

4:30 pm

User calls to say they can't see anything in documents. Tell them to

go to view, do a "Edit -- Select All", hit delete key, and then

refresh. Promise to send them document addendum which says so.

4:45 pm

Another user calls. Says they can't read help documents. Tell them

I'll fix it. Hang up. Change font to Wingdings.

4:58 pm

Plug coffee maker into Ethernet hub to see what happens. Not (too)

much.

5:00 pm

Night shift shows up. Tell that the hub is acting funny and to have a

good weekend.

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Bob Gulien

This is the mother of all BOFH's

This is a nice one too (and old):

Tech Support Diary!

A Week in the Life of the Notes Support Person from Hell

Monday

8:05am

User called to say they forgot password. Told them to use password

retrieval utility called FDISK. Blissfully ignorant, they thank me

and hang up. God, we let the people vote and drive, too?

8:12am

Accounting called to say they couldn't access expense reports

database. Gave them Standard Sys Admin Answer #112, "Well, it works

for me." Let them rant and rave while I unplugged my coffeemaker from

the UPS and plugged their server back in. Suggested they try it

again. One more happy customer...

8:14 am

User from 8:05 call said they received error message "Error accessing

Drive 0." Told them it was an OS problem. Transferred them to

microsupport.

11:00 am

Relatively quiet for last few hours. Decide to plug support phone

back in so I can call my girlfriend. Says parents are coming into

town this weekend. Put her on hold and transferred her to janitorial

closet down in basement. What is she thinking? The "Myst" and "Doom"

nationals are this weekend!

11:34 am

Another user calls (do they ever learn?). Says they want ACL changed

on HR performance review database so that nobody but HR can access

database. Tell them no problem. Hang up. Change ACL. Add @MailSend

so performance reviews are sent to */US.

12:00 pm

Lunch

3:30 pm

Return from lunch.

3:55 pm

Wake up from nap. Bad dream makes me cranky. Bounce servers for no

reason. Return to napping.

4:23 pm

Yet another user calls. Wants to know how to change fonts on form.

Ask them what chip set they're using. Tell them to call back when

they find out.

4:55 pm

Decide to run "Create Save/Replication Conflicts" macro so next shift

has something to do.

Tuesday

8:30 am

Finish reading support log from last night. Sounded busy. Terrible

time with Save/Replication conflicts.

9:00 am

Support manager arrives. Wants to discuss my attitude. Click on

PhoneNotes SmartIcon. "Love to, but kinda busy. Put something in the

calendar database!" I yell as I grab for the support lines, which

have (mysteriously) lit up. Walks away grumbling.

9:35 pm

Team leader from R&D needs ID for new employee. Tell them they need

form J-19R=9C9\\DARR\K1. Say they never heard of such a form. Tell

them it's in the SPECIAL FORMS database. Say they never heard of such

a database. Transfer them to janitorial closet in basement.

10:00 am

Perky sounding intern from R&D calls and says she needs new ID. Tell

her I need employee number, department name, manager name, and marital

status. Run @DbLookup against state parole board database, Centers for

Disease Control database, and my Oprah Winfrey database. No hits.

Tell her ID will be ready tonight. Drawing from the lessons learned

in last week's "Reengineering for Customer Partnership," I offer to

personally deliver ID to her apartment.

10:07 am

Janitor stops by to say he keeps getting strange calls in basement.

Offer to train him on Notes. Begin now. Let him watch console while

I grab a smoke.

1:00 pm

Return from smoking break. Janitor says phones kept ringing, so he

transferred them to cafeteria lady. I like this guy.

1:05 pm

Big commotion! Support manager falls in hole left where I pulled

floor tiles outside his office door. Stress to him importance of not

running in computer room, even if I do yell "Omigod -- Fire!"

1:15 pm

Development Standards Committee calls and complains about umlauts in

form names. Apologizing for the inconvenience, I tell them I will fix

it. Hang up and run global search/replace using gaks.

1:20 pm

Mary Hairnet from cafeteria calls. Says she keeps getting calls for

"Notice Loads" or "NoLoad Goats," she's not sure, couldn't here over

industrial-grade blender. Tell her it was probably "Lettuce Nodes."

Maybe the food distributor with a new product? She thinks about it

and hangs up.

2:00 pm

Legal secretary calls and says she lost password. Ask her to check in

her purse, floor of car, and on bathroom counter. Tell her it

probably fell out of back of machine. Suggest she put duct tape over

all the airvents she can find on the PC. Grudgingly offer to create

new ID for her while she does that.

2:49 pm

Janitor comes back. Wants more lessons. I take off rest of day.

next installment see below

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Galileo pork punchup takes unexpected twist

Bob Gulien
Alien

It will end like this...

There will be 27 fully staffed groundstations, one in every country of the EC, and fully paid by the EC, but only one will be working. Which one is Top Secret, because if it ever comes out, 26 national prides will be hurt.

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Iran launches space rocket

Bob Gulien

So what....

I don't want to take anything away from the Glorious Iranian Spaceshot, but after seeing 2 blokes do the same on Top Gear with a Reliant Robin, it takes away somewhat of the magnitude of this newsitem.

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