Surely the fact that this is a worry for "A leading Scottish churchman" tells us something about the Scotch.

No Englishman ever found a "lady chimp" attractive.

P.S. I choose the Bill Gates icon, but the Reg really needs an icon of Steve Ballmer these days. First off, he is the CEO now. And, secondly, who could be more appropriate as an icon for this story than "Monkey Boy"?